Squidbillies (2005) s01e06 Episode Script

% My dreams are all dead and buried % % Sometimes l wish the sun would just explode % % When God comes and calls me to His kingdom % % l'll take all you sons of bitches when l go % - My turn.
- Hell, no.
- Man, let me drive that thing.
Come on! - Do not touch the trim! Early's tenure as CEO of Dan Halen Sheetrock lnternational had not been long, but it had been distinguished.
By drunkenness, hair-trigger violence, and a total lack of performance.
l would call it a steady decline in performance but that would imply that he performed at one point in time.
ln fact, he had not.
He was drunk.
Herd Thinner is the name of the brand.
l can't change that.
What would you have me call it? lt's a highly toxic gel.
Hi.
l know it looks like toothpaste.
lt's supposed to.
No, l'm saying, ''Wipe, moron.
'' Hold on there.
Well, now, looky here.
Hot damn it! lt's the weekend! - See you Tuesday.
- lt is Tuesday.
But in the mountains of North Georgia even a CEO's meager salary is not enough to raise a family.
Sometimes people need a second job to make trucks meet.
Toodly do! Them hippies show up? They're out back.
Why do they come up here every week? Here you go, boy.
l bought you a veggie game.
- You did? - Hell, no.
Wash them trucks.
But you leave the boat to me.
Don't you touch that sonbitchin' boat.
A boat is not a toy.
Thank you.
The boat is mine.
The boat is mine! Dude, l'm scared.
- l think that thing moved.
- Chill, Troy.
This guy's cool.
Just stay calm.
He totally won't shoot.
Gentlemen, Evan, how might l assistify you? To be of assistification to you? Assistalort hepignate.
We were told, like, by, like, my big brother.
- Bro is like you might be able to, like - You want to bang yourself a goat? Because the goat's dead but we can still do this thing.
- l'll give you a deal on it.
- He wants to.
No, seriously.
We just want to buy weed.
Hell.
l got to read my walk-ins better.
All right, boys.
You see that smoke over there coming off that bald-headed sonbitch? That's where you pick the good stuff.
Go on.
Take your boyfriend with you.
- Would you mind taking a quick survey? - That thing moved.
l thought that was a scarecrow.
No, no.
That there is the Research Department.
- Television - Shut up, Research Department! - Where am l? - Holy! ls that a still? - Troy, shut up, dude, man.
- That's all right, Evan.
Troy's a curious one.
Now, allow me to explain the contamination process.
Pine cones go in here party liquors come out here and proceed to here.
Fights begin, fingerprints is took, days is lost bail is made, court dates are ignored, cycle is repeated.
- Dude, can l get that? - Yeah, go on with it.
This will put some fuzz on your chewing gum.
- Do it, man.
- Troy.
Stepping up.
- Do it.
Do it.
Do it, man.
- Yeah, come on, boy.
- Drink, drink, drink.
- Hit it, son.
Oh, man.
l'm blind.
- This is awesome.
- Hook me up, then, dude.
- How long can l ride this train? - l'd say about four ever.
Dude.
Mind yourself, now, or you're gonna wake up next to that.
Hi.
All stuck up together by the dried fluids of amore.
l like butt cheeks.
Yeah.
lt's happened to the best of us.
A lot.
Dude, we have got to bring some of this back to the house.
- Gordo and Wolfman will go ballistic.
- Uh-uh-uh, son.
Did you need money, or How about them costly puka beads you're wearing? - All right.
Sweet.
- This is awesome! Touch fists, let's go.
Let's put it up.
- Leave me hanging.
Touch fists.
- l put my fist in the beehive.
- Russell! - Yes'm? Go ahead and fill up these oil jugs for these boys.
With pine-cone liquor? - Hell, no.
- l'm driving.
Where's your dad's car? Pee pee in them jugs.
Hell! That's the office.
l can't believe l got to go in on a Wednesday.
Them people can't wipe their ass without me.
Howdy doody, Donna? Nice ass this morning.
- Yeah.
You wearing panties? - Actually l need to get off here.
Steve, big dog.
Here's the pot l've been growing on my property.
See if this don't help with your wife bitching and all that mess.
- Not here, man.
- Pine-cone liquor? Nobody? Well, then, how about a fried possum pecker? l need to get off here at three.
Don't forget, y'all.
Softball Thursday night.
Come on.
Work, work.
Come on.
What is the deal with this? Step aside, Glen.
You got a Error 43 - Replace Toner Cartridge.
Looks like the magenta.
Damn.
This is gonna hurt.
Stand clear! Hurry now.
Hurry.
Take out there sexual harassment manual and hit me in my groin.
- You're sure about that? - Hurry.
- Hard? - Faster, damn it.
Faster.
- All right, all right.
Here.
- Don't stop, don't stop! Now flog my ass.
Now, now you're with me.
Nice one.
See if that sonbitch will fax now.
lt never was able to fax.
lt's a coffeemaker.
You dumb ass, you can't fax coffee.
Coffee don't fax worth a damn.
Every time the rain hits it, it'll run.
Damn.
You're a dumb sonbitch.
- What do you mean, where did l get 'em? - Early.
Some fool left them out.
l'd offer you one, but they're mine.
Early, it has come to my attention that during employment hours you have been distributing and consuming certain arboreal alcoholic libation.
You know, you've been drinking.
Liquid in your mouth? - Alcohol? - Sure, l'll have one.
No, you won't.
What you will do is answer this question.
How does it taste? Like the untamed wilditude of nature erupting in the space where your brain used to live.
Take a sip, you'll see.
- But not for long.
- Let me show you something, Early.
Close your eyes.
Now open them.
Oh, hell! l'm exposed.
Nudified.
That's right.
l stripped you of your dignity.
What if the rest of the world were as blind as you just were? l reckon you could take my stuff.
No, no, no.
l would never think of doing that.
But you thought of it, so we'll do it.
How much of this can we make? Well, how is it? Very warm, robust with just a buttery high note of all-weather coolant and there we go.
Darkness.
Wait a minute! - ls this brake fluid? - Brake fluid? No.
Steering.
l said hairspray, sonbitch.
What are you? Blind? - l am blind.
- You been drinking the product, ain't you? - l am so sorry.
ls good.
- lt's damn good.
But it needs a name.
Something sexy, inviting, and sophisticated.
Glug.
Yes! Erupt into a bev-rage this summer with Glug.
That's the slogan.
We'll add the word ''dawg'' for the blacks.
They like that word, like they're friends with the product.
And so Dan Halen flooded the market with Early's Glug.
Welcome, y'all.
Come on in and get your Glug on.
Leave your money on the counter.
l trust you.
And the region was cast in darkness.
Affordable, refreshing, brain-suffocating darkness.
Russell, get the hell in my hands where l can see you.
What did l tell you about drinking underneath the age? You said if l could afford and bring back enough for you you don't care what l do, and it's my body and l can kill it however l want to.
And America's about freedom.
Son, there's every chance in the world l was drunk when l said that? lt's your welfare l care about.
You know that check? Did that come today? - l ain't seen the mail.
- l knew you been drinking.
Don't hurt me, Rusty! - Get back here.
- ls that Rusty? - Get your Glug on.
- Get the stuff.
Cash your Glug points for hats, coolers canes, seeing-eye dogs, books on tape.
The audio phone book, A-L, as read by Dan Halen.
Chapter one.
Residents.
Abarado, Thomas C.
Klondike, 58272 area code Entry number two, Avarao, Janine.
Highway 172, 678-555 And a Glug grand prize for a trip for two to Hawaii.
That's right.
You can't see it, but you'll buy it.
Yeah, you'll buy anything! Let's go ahead and cut that last line.
And make sure my leggings are pressed.
For tomorrow, all those that mocked me will feel my wrath.
How was that? - Was that a strike? - lt's still in your hand! Go on, mate.
Hurl the sphere, and l will shock the world.
- Did l strike him out again? - Ball Four.
Yes.
Rack another one up for the walk master.
BloodLogic