St. Denis Medical (2024) s01e06 Episode Script
Ho-ho-hollo
1
[FESTIVE MUSIC]
Ho, ho, ho-llo.
It's Christmas Eve at Saint Denis,
and even in a hospital,
it's the best time of year.
Ooh, there's Santa!
Or, um, Mr. Holiday Man,
as we tell the
non-denominational patients.
Are you here to spread
some Christmas cheer?
No, I'm just waiting for a room.
Oh, are you are you OK?
Maybe I could just tell a doctor.
Well, maybe I am a doctor.
I'd rather just tell a male doctor.
[JOYCE SCOFFS]
Are you OK, Santa?
[BABBLES] Santa's fine. Ho, ho.
Just a little problem
with, uh, the North Pole.
OK, everybody, let's
go back to our seats.
Don't look back at Santa.
Don't look at him.
Don't look back at him.
Don't look back at Santa.
Oh, [BLEEP].
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
- [LAUGHS] All right.
- Watch out.
- I get it.
- [LAUGHTER]
Wow, the whole family's here.
[ALL CHUCKLE] What have we got?
Well, Mr. Klein came
in with some hip pain.
Ah, ah.
Sorry, Bob has hip pain.
We had a little back and
forth about that earlier.
And I asked her if I
could call her sweetheart,
but not in a gross way.
And weirdly, I was fine with that.
You are a braver man than I am, Bob.
How did you hurt the hip?
Pole vaulting.
No, come on, doc. I'm ancient.
The wind hit me weird
and I tripped over myself.
Like like this guy
seeing a bikini at the beach.
[ALEX AND RON CHUCKLE]
He clocked you, buddy.
I've never been to the beach.
How's your health otherwise?
Strong as an ox.
Dad.
He's had leukemia for about 16 months.
Strong as an ox with blood cancer.
An ox will work right up until it dies.
OK, well, we are going
to leave you guys to it,
and I'll be back to start
some tests, all right?
Looking forward to it, sweetheart.
[ALEX GIGGLES]
See, I don't mind that. Is that weird?
Well, we're not supposed
to have favorite patients,
but we do. [CHUCKLES]
- I almost don't want him to get better.
- [ALEX CHUCKLES]
The rest of my patients today are duds.
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, I love this one.
[IMITATES KLAXON] Pornography alert.
[JOYCE LAUGHS]
No, I'm sorry. That was inappropriate.
I know you're not watching
pornography in a group setting.
I just couldn't think
of anything else to say.
It's not pornography, is it?
It's just NurseTok, Joyce.
Videos from hospitals, nurses, doctors.
Portland General, bleh.
Oh, four million views. That's
eight million eyeballs.
Some people don't have two eyes.
So more like 7 1/2 million eyeballs?
OK, that seems low, Holly.
That seems really low.
Social media is here to stay.
I've always believed that.
That's why I run an Instagram
account for Saint Denis.
"To those who celebrate,
Happy Halloween."
But for Portland General to
generate that level of traffic,
I mean, a bigger presence
means more patients,
more clout, more dollars.
Right now, we only have 142 followers.
Oh, 141 followers.
Sanderson unfollowed.
I called his travel
charcuterie board a Lunchable.
He'll be back.
So I was gonna propose to my girlfriend.
Aw.
And I decided
to take the engagement ring
and put it around my penis.
Right.
OK.
But the ring is actually pretty big.
Yeah, it's much bigger than
anything you're imagining.
My fingers are huge.
He calls me carrot fingers.
Yeah, anyway, so the
ring is on my penis,
and I start thinking
about our life together,
and I get aroused.
It's actually really romantic.
The blood is trapped,
and the ring is very,
very tight, so just be prepared.
I've been here a while now,
so pretty much
everything's routine to me.
OK, right.
I see the ring you're talking about,
right there in the middle.
Dr. Schweitz, could you
jump in here really quick?
Sure.
All right, what seems to be the problem?
Oh, my God!
[GASPS] It looks like a penis.
- Is that your penis?
- Yeah.
Who did that to you?
Did you do this to him?
No, man!
Bob, you have such a loving family.
It must be so nice to have them
all come together like that.
I'm a lucky guy.
No. It's work, you know.
You put in the work and it's paying off.
- I admire you.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
- How about you guys?
You got any travel
plans for the holidays?
Oh, no, I just have, you know,
dinner with the whole family.
Although I would like to
put Tim's parents on a plane,
if you know what I mean. [CHUCKLES]
Uh, because they have
never been to the Caribbean,
and I would love to
give that to them, so.
Uh, Ron's going to Texas.
Actually, I'm staying home.
Got a bottle of Laphroaig
and a box of Christmas Crunch cereal,
so me and the captain about to partake.
It's [SIGHS]
You're making it feel sad. It's not sad.
My kids are grown now.
It's not like they're
gonna be running around
the Christmas tree
screaming over presents.
Presents.
I gotta get on that.
Oh, OK.
Why don't we do that thing
where everybody dances
and lip syncs to a song
like, "So You Had a Bad Day,"
but we make it about a good day?
[SCOFFS] A little first thought, right?
Uh-huh. Yeah, that was dumb.
Just reads as 2016.
Maybe even earlier, 2015.
I asked Serena to help me pump up
Saint Denis's social media presence,
and she jumped at the chance.
She said she couldn't
let me do it alone.
The best thing about
our social media presence
is that it barely exists.
But if Joyce is gonna start posting more
and then tagging me,
asking me to repost,
I cannot let her do this alone.
Or what if we do that thing
where everybody freezes?
We freeze,
and then the camera pans
around us like we're mannequins.
No? Little first thought?
But where's Mrs. Claus in
this twisted universe of yours?
We didn't really think
- about
- Oh, you didn't think?
She's only given thousands
of years to this man,
but you didn't think. OK.
Our ring cutter's broken,
but the hospital has access
to the fire department's.
Oh, thank God.
I was legitimately worried for you.
- [BRUCE CHUCKLES]
- But that one's also broken.
But there is a fire
department 80 miles away.
There you go.
But they're buried in a snowstorm.
- Oh, God.
- Hey, it's OK.
I'm not worried.
- Hey.
- Hey.
So I thought you were
flying down to Texas.
Something happen?
No, what I said was my family is going,
which includes my ex-wife.
Now, we really can't
be in the same county
at the same time.
Are you sure you're gonna be OK?
Are you serious?
I get time to relax, watch Christmas TV,
"Die Hard,"
and that channel with a burning log.
[CHUCKLES]
I can switch back and forth
as many times as I want.
"Die Hard," log. "Die Hard," log.
Hang on. Ron, this can't be right.
- Bob's lab results.
- Let's see.
Look at the blood work.
- Bob?
- Wait, I saw it first.
- Let me tell him.
- I'm the doctor.
- I have good news
- Your cancer's gone
I'm sorry. Whoo!
You're in shock,
but you have a clean bill of health.
It's a Christmas miracle. Yay!
What are the rules about
doctor-patient confidentiality?
Like, are you allowed to
tell my family about this?
No, not without your permission.
Great.
I don't give my permission.
And I've never had cancer.
Wait, you've never had cancer?
Not yet.
So you've just been lying to
your family this entire time?
Look, when your kids grow up,
they start to forget about you,
and that doesn't feel so good.
I mean, I didn't feel
good about all of this,
but now my family
visits me all the time,
and our relationship is
better than it's ever been.
This is the worst thing I
have ever seen on the job,
and I just helped a man
who had maggots coming out
of sores on his feet, OK?
You're worse than that!
Well, listen,
I'm not gonna tell my family
the truth, and you can't.
I'd hate to slap you
with a HIPAA violation.
- [SOFTLY] Oh, my God.
- My babies!
Hi, give Daddy a hug.
- I'm coming, Dad.
- Get over here.
Great to see you.
The doctors you meet at Saint Denis.
Orthopedics.
[DEEP VOICE] What up, bro?
I like fixing knees
and carving tight lines in powder.
[AS SELF] That's, uh,
snowboarding, not drugs.
Cardiologist.
[NASALLY VOICE] Hey, I don't
know much about snowboarding.
Less about snowboarding.
OK, Serena, now you're
just getting in my head.
Let me explore.
[SILLY VOICE] Uh, I'm a GI doctor.
And I think I'm God's gift to women.
I'm gonna take you out to dinner,
and I'm gonna tell you
I had an amazing time
and then never call you back
and then be weird to you at
work for the next 15 years.
And then one day I'm just
gonna show up married.
What is that?
[AS SELF] What is that?
Did you and Dr. Sullivan date?
[SCOFFS] Serena
I'm talking about
gastroenterologists in general.
[LAUGHING] OK?
This guy would rather lie to his family
than actually earn their love?
- It's sick.
- It is, but
Oh, come on. There's a but?
Well, your kids are
still in the magic years,
but eventually, they get older,
and they tend to lose interest in you.
And the way to get their
attention is by faking cancer?
- Come on.
- Well, I'm not defending him.
I'm just saying there's
two sides to every story.
I get that nurturing
closeness with family is hard.
OK, it takes effort.
I work all day, I go
home, I'm exhausted,
and I still find time to
talk about "Minecraft," OK?
So maybe if your family
isn't close, that's on you!
Or maybe your kids moved
to Austin for the food scene
and it's no one's fault.
Ron, no I
come I didn't mean you.
I'm talking about
like he, he's taking,
like, a sick shortcut to love.
I get it, but it doesn't matter.
We're not gonna tell the family.
It's not our job to cure being a jerk.
We're just gonna let it go.
Fine.
Medicine isn't just science.
Sometimes it's like jazz.
It's scary.
What? No, that's not
I mean you gotta improvise, right?
So let's get creative now.
Drain it with a big needle.
Juice it like a raisin, maybe.
Oh, my God.
Or we flatten it with some kind of vice.
Stretch it out, roll it thin.
- Yes.
- [SANTA GROANS]
Maybe you could
get the ring burning
hot so the metal expands.
Honey! Jesus!
Hold on. Wait, wait, wait. I like it.
It could scorch the penis, though.
Can't we just wait for the
ring cutter to get here?
Well, it might not come.
And if we wait, your
penis could turn septic.
The infection could kill you.
[SANTA GROANS] Hey, don't worry.
We'd amputate before it came to that.
I definitely do not want that.
OK, I will note that on your chart.
Yeah, but Dad, we got
Italian for you last night,
- and David's gluten-free.
- Oh.
David, you know, that diet
is totally unnecessary.
Just take the stairs or something.
I have celiac disease.
Oh, I keep forgetting, you know,
maybe because it's not as
dire as, you know, what I have.
He called me sweetheart.
And I liked it.
OK, rapid fire.
Wildest stories from the ER.
I drained an abscess that
smelled so bad I threw up.
Uh-oh, yuck alert.
Joyce, don't comment on things.
Then we'll put in a siren sound effect.
Dance floor, not cop car.
When a leg breaks completely backwards,
like a busted-up crab,
we call them crabbies.
What? These are human beings.
Joyce, stop commenting.
Dr. Andrews, come dish
on some wild stuff.
Oh, uh, a couple coming
back from their honeymoon
Mm, uh-oh.
They got T-boned by a transport truck,
rushed in, both circling the drain.
OK, that's enough.
They're both begging me to
save the other one's life.
My wife asked me why I've
got such a short fuse at home.
[RASPING] Well, I'll tell you why.
Bill, you know we're
trying to have fun here.
I know you can see that.
Not cool.
Oh.
[JOYCE PLAYFULLY SLAPS CAMERAMAN]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Oh, I'm I'm sorry.
I should have offered to
share half of that with you.
Do you want to split the chocolate?
First, I'm more of a vanilla guy.
And second
why are you doing this?
You have to realize
how messed up this is.
[SIGHS] Listen, I know.
It's it's crazy.
Did you say you were divorced?
We're talking about you.
Well, my wife was the glue of my family.
I mean, she planned
all the family trips,
she made all the
holidays special for us.
And when she passed away, my
my kids and I, we just
we didn't know how to
be around each other.
And the kids just kind of drifted away.
You have any idea what that's like?
I guess my kids are a little distant.
Now that they've moved away,
it's easier to let the
days get away from you.
The glue does fade.
So I get it.
Oh, and I do like the
chocolate side of the cookie.
I don't know why I lied about that.
Oh, my God.
It's fine, it's fine. I'm a pro.
Thank you.
[METALLIC CLANKING] Jesus.
Oh, I'm sorry, just a little
bigger than I was expecting,
but not a problem.
OK, let's do this.
[SANTA EXHALES DEEPLY]
[WHISPERING] It's OK, it's OK.
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
- Be gentle.
- Obviously, yeah.
OK, here's a day in the life of the ER.
[JOYCE CHUCKLES]
Oh, my God! What is that?
Jesus, Joyce, I almost
cut this guy's [BLEEP] off!
God damn it.
Hey, Serena.
Yeah, it's pretty good for a first try.
This was our 12th.
[SERENA SIGHS]
It'd be way easier if I
was doing this with you.
I could just boss you around.
What?
I mean, I would support you, obviously.
Want to trade?
You film with Joyce, and
I'll take the penis thing.
Nope. I'm emotionally invested.
It's all of our penis now.
[LAUGHS]
Yeah.
Oh, what? Now you're on his side?
No. His wife died.
And sometimes when you feel
your family drifting apart,
people do crazy things
to keep them together.
- OK.
- Trust me.
I wouldn't fake cancer, though.
Well, maybe you don't love your family
as much as other people do.
[SCOFFS]
And dad's mad that I
forgot his tiramisu.
Solid priorities.
Your dad's lucky to have you.
You're a good daughter.
I'm glad to make him comfortable.
Still, can't be easy, though, right?
No. Kind of have to put
your whole life on hold.
Mm.
But the time you spend
together is a gift.
Yeah, a gift that comes with work,
like a mop with a bow on it. [CHUCKLES]
Still, I'm sure your mom would be happy
knowing that you're all
together on Christmas.
She hates that we're here.
No, how do you know that?
She's texted me all day about it.
Not from heaven, I'm assuming.
Uh, no, from San Diego,
where she lives with a new husband
who doesn't cheat on
her with my golf coach.
- But what can I do? He's sick.
- Mm.
Yes, he is a very sick man.
- Mm-hmm.
- OK, thanks.
Bob's a liar.
We knew that all along.
Yeah, well, this time he lied to me.
It's one thing you do
that with your family,
but I'm an innocent bystander here.
So rigged a little mock-up here.
Fake patient, hot dog, washer.
Sometimes you gotta practice,
rehearse the thing until
you got it down cold.
- Like jazz.
- What? No. God.
Just hold the light on it, all right?
[SIGHS]
This would be a lot
better with a cadaver,
but the morgue guy was
pretty huffy about it.
Yeah, really shaken up by the request.
All right, here we go. [CLEARS THROAT]
[WHISPERING] Come on. Come on. Come on.
Yeah, all right! [LAUGHS]
Should we go for two in a row?
[SIGHS]
Hmm.
Yeah, not a great ratio.
Welcome to our pediatrics department,
where beautiful, heartwarming
things are always happening.
Joyce, we need something punchy, viral.
This is too soft.
He has a widdle bear.
Oh, come on.
Hi, there.
Who's this little friend?
I ate the pebbles in my fish tank.
Oh. But does your bear have a name?
I can't leave until all
the pebbles come out.
You're killing me,
kid. This is so boring.
[LAUGHTER]
What happened?
We turned on his cochlear implant.
He just heard my voice
for the first time.
[BLEEP].
Damn it!
Sorry, sorry. That pebble kid just
Little boy hearing his mama's
voice for the first time.
Would have been nice to
capture that, but did we?
No.
You were supposed to support me today.
And all you've done is roll the eyes.
- Ugh.
- Ah! Just like that.
I mean, every instinct you have
is, like, impressively the opposite
of what the internet likes.
I got it! I've got the solution.
Thinks he has a solution.
[BRUCE SIGHS]
Hmm?
Yes, it seems crazy.
But you know who else looked crazy?
A lot of famous people
who did some good stuff.
I'm at the forefront
of my field, obviously.
I'm a master with the scalpel,
but I'm also the
master of another blade.
Katana, or katana,
is a weapon and a practice
that has captured the
imagination of the world,
mostly guys, for centuries.
I'm also pretty handy with a crossbow,
but that wouldn't help here. [CHUCKLES]
Unless
ooh.
No.
A sword? Are you insane?
You're thinking chop. Mm-mm.
It'll be more of a delicate slice.
No, you're crazy!
Oh, come on.
Do you know how many famous
people did crazy things?
[BRUCE SIGHS]
I bet deep down inside, he feels guilty.
Well, hopefully that guilt
will at least lead to a
painful ulcer or something.
Hey, do you guys know where I can talk
to someone about billing?
Yeah, down the hall, left-hand side.
You're not paying for him, right?
No, dad's insurance
should cover most of it.
And then we'll use the
GoFundMe on the rest.
He's got a GoFundMe?
This guy.
Hey, Bob?
Quick chat before we send
you dancing out of here.
We need to talk other options.
What options?
Well, you're not gonna love them.
Dr. Bruce, wait!
We have a ring cutter. You
can stop the amputation.
[LAUGHING] Oh, my God.
Wait, that was on the table?
[SCOFFING] Yeah.
I mean, I said you weren't
gonna love the options.
It's a Christmas miracle.
Actually, while Bruce was
sharpening his sword
Honing his blade.
I checked in again
with the fire department
and convinced one of the firefighters
to brave the storm by himself.
The guy's a hero.
Yeah, Christmas miracle.
And it just goes to show
that most guys will go above and beyond
when their penis or another man's penis
- is on the line.
- Yeah.
Can we get Bob's family in here, please?
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
So Bob has something
he wants to tell you,
and it's something he really needs
to get off of his chest, so
Yeah, we threatened to
report him for GoFundMe fraud.
I don't have cancer.
Wait, are are you saying that
- I'm cancer-free.
- No.
- Daddy's cured.
- Come on. No.
- I can't believe it!
- It's a miracle.
Bob? Bob? Bob?
No. No, Bob.
Oh. Dr. Ron is right.
There's more.
I want to return the GoFundMe money.
I already spent a little bit of it,
but I think I can make a few
bets and make that part back.
OK, everyone, here is what's going on.
And and no more special treatment.
I want you all to live your own lives.
And I'm gonna put in
the effort on my part.
Because the truth
is the truth is that
I kind of like being around you guys.
- Dad, I'm so relieved.
- [LAUGHS]
Oh, Dad!
No, no. I'm sorry.
No, they
I'm I'm sorry.
We we have to leave.
Oh, no, you gotta celebrate with us.
Yeah.
Well, this is kind of a busy time
around here for us.
Listen, take care of each other.
And, Bob, do not waste this gift.
I won't.
Let's go.
- Everybody hug your grandpa.
- Bring it in, everybody.
- Grandpa's OK.
- Oh, my God.
Music!
[JACKIE WILSON'S "YOUR LOVE
KEEPS LIFTING ME HIGHER"]
Your love ♪
Lifting me higher ♪
Than I've ever been lifted before ♪
Things were tense.
We were creatively blocked.
But then Serena said that a lip sync
could have kind of an ironic,
normie cringe kind of vibe.
[LAUGHING] What do
words even mean anymore?
You know your love ♪
Your love keeps lifting me ♪
Keep on lifting ♪
I realized I was fighting with my boss,
so I thought it might be smart
just to go with Joyce's idea.
I said your love ♪
Your love keeps lifting me ♪
Keep on ♪
Your love keeps lifting me ♪
Lifting me higher and higher ♪
- Higher ♪
- You know your love ♪
Your love keeps lifting me ♪
- Keep on lifting me ♪
- That was kind of fun.
It's Christmas, so
Merry Christmas, Joyce.
Higher and higher ♪
- Higher ♪
- I said your love ♪
[SANTA GASPS]
Keep on ♪
Your love keep lifting me ♪
- Lifting me ♪
- Lifting me ♪
- [ELF LAUGHS]
- Higher and higher ♪
I said your love ♪
Your love keeps lifting me ♪
Keep on ♪
Your love keeps lifting me ♪
Lifting me higher and higher ♪
Higher ♪
All right ♪
[UPBEAT SOUL MUSIC]
Yes, I should have flown there.
Well, maybe I can visit soon.
What's that?
No, I'm not dying.
Funny you should ask, but
OK, look, I gotta go.
Love you, bud.
Hey, how's Michael?
Good.
Glad I called.
Good.
All right, I'll see you tomorrow.
Oh. You mean Thursday.
No, tomorrow.
Christmas dinner, my place.
Bring something expensive.
OK, twist my arm.
Don't be late.
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
OK.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
[SIGHS]
Oh, God.
[DUMMY HEAD CLATTERS]
That's OK, yeah.
That wasn't yeah.
[SPUTTERS]
Glad we didn't do that. All right.
[BELL CLANGS]
[FESTIVE MUSIC]
Ho, ho, ho-llo.
It's Christmas Eve at Saint Denis,
and even in a hospital,
it's the best time of year.
Ooh, there's Santa!
Or, um, Mr. Holiday Man,
as we tell the
non-denominational patients.
Are you here to spread
some Christmas cheer?
No, I'm just waiting for a room.
Oh, are you are you OK?
Maybe I could just tell a doctor.
Well, maybe I am a doctor.
I'd rather just tell a male doctor.
[JOYCE SCOFFS]
Are you OK, Santa?
[BABBLES] Santa's fine. Ho, ho.
Just a little problem
with, uh, the North Pole.
OK, everybody, let's
go back to our seats.
Don't look back at Santa.
Don't look at him.
Don't look back at him.
Don't look back at Santa.
Oh, [BLEEP].
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
- [LAUGHS] All right.
- Watch out.
- I get it.
- [LAUGHTER]
Wow, the whole family's here.
[ALL CHUCKLE] What have we got?
Well, Mr. Klein came
in with some hip pain.
Ah, ah.
Sorry, Bob has hip pain.
We had a little back and
forth about that earlier.
And I asked her if I
could call her sweetheart,
but not in a gross way.
And weirdly, I was fine with that.
You are a braver man than I am, Bob.
How did you hurt the hip?
Pole vaulting.
No, come on, doc. I'm ancient.
The wind hit me weird
and I tripped over myself.
Like like this guy
seeing a bikini at the beach.
[ALEX AND RON CHUCKLE]
He clocked you, buddy.
I've never been to the beach.
How's your health otherwise?
Strong as an ox.
Dad.
He's had leukemia for about 16 months.
Strong as an ox with blood cancer.
An ox will work right up until it dies.
OK, well, we are going
to leave you guys to it,
and I'll be back to start
some tests, all right?
Looking forward to it, sweetheart.
[ALEX GIGGLES]
See, I don't mind that. Is that weird?
Well, we're not supposed
to have favorite patients,
but we do. [CHUCKLES]
- I almost don't want him to get better.
- [ALEX CHUCKLES]
The rest of my patients today are duds.
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, I love this one.
[IMITATES KLAXON] Pornography alert.
[JOYCE LAUGHS]
No, I'm sorry. That was inappropriate.
I know you're not watching
pornography in a group setting.
I just couldn't think
of anything else to say.
It's not pornography, is it?
It's just NurseTok, Joyce.
Videos from hospitals, nurses, doctors.
Portland General, bleh.
Oh, four million views. That's
eight million eyeballs.
Some people don't have two eyes.
So more like 7 1/2 million eyeballs?
OK, that seems low, Holly.
That seems really low.
Social media is here to stay.
I've always believed that.
That's why I run an Instagram
account for Saint Denis.
"To those who celebrate,
Happy Halloween."
But for Portland General to
generate that level of traffic,
I mean, a bigger presence
means more patients,
more clout, more dollars.
Right now, we only have 142 followers.
Oh, 141 followers.
Sanderson unfollowed.
I called his travel
charcuterie board a Lunchable.
He'll be back.
So I was gonna propose to my girlfriend.
Aw.
And I decided
to take the engagement ring
and put it around my penis.
Right.
OK.
But the ring is actually pretty big.
Yeah, it's much bigger than
anything you're imagining.
My fingers are huge.
He calls me carrot fingers.
Yeah, anyway, so the
ring is on my penis,
and I start thinking
about our life together,
and I get aroused.
It's actually really romantic.
The blood is trapped,
and the ring is very,
very tight, so just be prepared.
I've been here a while now,
so pretty much
everything's routine to me.
OK, right.
I see the ring you're talking about,
right there in the middle.
Dr. Schweitz, could you
jump in here really quick?
Sure.
All right, what seems to be the problem?
Oh, my God!
[GASPS] It looks like a penis.
- Is that your penis?
- Yeah.
Who did that to you?
Did you do this to him?
No, man!
Bob, you have such a loving family.
It must be so nice to have them
all come together like that.
I'm a lucky guy.
No. It's work, you know.
You put in the work and it's paying off.
- I admire you.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
- How about you guys?
You got any travel
plans for the holidays?
Oh, no, I just have, you know,
dinner with the whole family.
Although I would like to
put Tim's parents on a plane,
if you know what I mean. [CHUCKLES]
Uh, because they have
never been to the Caribbean,
and I would love to
give that to them, so.
Uh, Ron's going to Texas.
Actually, I'm staying home.
Got a bottle of Laphroaig
and a box of Christmas Crunch cereal,
so me and the captain about to partake.
It's [SIGHS]
You're making it feel sad. It's not sad.
My kids are grown now.
It's not like they're
gonna be running around
the Christmas tree
screaming over presents.
Presents.
I gotta get on that.
Oh, OK.
Why don't we do that thing
where everybody dances
and lip syncs to a song
like, "So You Had a Bad Day,"
but we make it about a good day?
[SCOFFS] A little first thought, right?
Uh-huh. Yeah, that was dumb.
Just reads as 2016.
Maybe even earlier, 2015.
I asked Serena to help me pump up
Saint Denis's social media presence,
and she jumped at the chance.
She said she couldn't
let me do it alone.
The best thing about
our social media presence
is that it barely exists.
But if Joyce is gonna start posting more
and then tagging me,
asking me to repost,
I cannot let her do this alone.
Or what if we do that thing
where everybody freezes?
We freeze,
and then the camera pans
around us like we're mannequins.
No? Little first thought?
But where's Mrs. Claus in
this twisted universe of yours?
We didn't really think
- about
- Oh, you didn't think?
She's only given thousands
of years to this man,
but you didn't think. OK.
Our ring cutter's broken,
but the hospital has access
to the fire department's.
Oh, thank God.
I was legitimately worried for you.
- [BRUCE CHUCKLES]
- But that one's also broken.
But there is a fire
department 80 miles away.
There you go.
But they're buried in a snowstorm.
- Oh, God.
- Hey, it's OK.
I'm not worried.
- Hey.
- Hey.
So I thought you were
flying down to Texas.
Something happen?
No, what I said was my family is going,
which includes my ex-wife.
Now, we really can't
be in the same county
at the same time.
Are you sure you're gonna be OK?
Are you serious?
I get time to relax, watch Christmas TV,
"Die Hard,"
and that channel with a burning log.
[CHUCKLES]
I can switch back and forth
as many times as I want.
"Die Hard," log. "Die Hard," log.
Hang on. Ron, this can't be right.
- Bob's lab results.
- Let's see.
Look at the blood work.
- Bob?
- Wait, I saw it first.
- Let me tell him.
- I'm the doctor.
- I have good news
- Your cancer's gone
I'm sorry. Whoo!
You're in shock,
but you have a clean bill of health.
It's a Christmas miracle. Yay!
What are the rules about
doctor-patient confidentiality?
Like, are you allowed to
tell my family about this?
No, not without your permission.
Great.
I don't give my permission.
And I've never had cancer.
Wait, you've never had cancer?
Not yet.
So you've just been lying to
your family this entire time?
Look, when your kids grow up,
they start to forget about you,
and that doesn't feel so good.
I mean, I didn't feel
good about all of this,
but now my family
visits me all the time,
and our relationship is
better than it's ever been.
This is the worst thing I
have ever seen on the job,
and I just helped a man
who had maggots coming out
of sores on his feet, OK?
You're worse than that!
Well, listen,
I'm not gonna tell my family
the truth, and you can't.
I'd hate to slap you
with a HIPAA violation.
- [SOFTLY] Oh, my God.
- My babies!
Hi, give Daddy a hug.
- I'm coming, Dad.
- Get over here.
Great to see you.
The doctors you meet at Saint Denis.
Orthopedics.
[DEEP VOICE] What up, bro?
I like fixing knees
and carving tight lines in powder.
[AS SELF] That's, uh,
snowboarding, not drugs.
Cardiologist.
[NASALLY VOICE] Hey, I don't
know much about snowboarding.
Less about snowboarding.
OK, Serena, now you're
just getting in my head.
Let me explore.
[SILLY VOICE] Uh, I'm a GI doctor.
And I think I'm God's gift to women.
I'm gonna take you out to dinner,
and I'm gonna tell you
I had an amazing time
and then never call you back
and then be weird to you at
work for the next 15 years.
And then one day I'm just
gonna show up married.
What is that?
[AS SELF] What is that?
Did you and Dr. Sullivan date?
[SCOFFS] Serena
I'm talking about
gastroenterologists in general.
[LAUGHING] OK?
This guy would rather lie to his family
than actually earn their love?
- It's sick.
- It is, but
Oh, come on. There's a but?
Well, your kids are
still in the magic years,
but eventually, they get older,
and they tend to lose interest in you.
And the way to get their
attention is by faking cancer?
- Come on.
- Well, I'm not defending him.
I'm just saying there's
two sides to every story.
I get that nurturing
closeness with family is hard.
OK, it takes effort.
I work all day, I go
home, I'm exhausted,
and I still find time to
talk about "Minecraft," OK?
So maybe if your family
isn't close, that's on you!
Or maybe your kids moved
to Austin for the food scene
and it's no one's fault.
Ron, no I
come I didn't mean you.
I'm talking about
like he, he's taking,
like, a sick shortcut to love.
I get it, but it doesn't matter.
We're not gonna tell the family.
It's not our job to cure being a jerk.
We're just gonna let it go.
Fine.
Medicine isn't just science.
Sometimes it's like jazz.
It's scary.
What? No, that's not
I mean you gotta improvise, right?
So let's get creative now.
Drain it with a big needle.
Juice it like a raisin, maybe.
Oh, my God.
Or we flatten it with some kind of vice.
Stretch it out, roll it thin.
- Yes.
- [SANTA GROANS]
Maybe you could
get the ring burning
hot so the metal expands.
Honey! Jesus!
Hold on. Wait, wait, wait. I like it.
It could scorch the penis, though.
Can't we just wait for the
ring cutter to get here?
Well, it might not come.
And if we wait, your
penis could turn septic.
The infection could kill you.
[SANTA GROANS] Hey, don't worry.
We'd amputate before it came to that.
I definitely do not want that.
OK, I will note that on your chart.
Yeah, but Dad, we got
Italian for you last night,
- and David's gluten-free.
- Oh.
David, you know, that diet
is totally unnecessary.
Just take the stairs or something.
I have celiac disease.
Oh, I keep forgetting, you know,
maybe because it's not as
dire as, you know, what I have.
He called me sweetheart.
And I liked it.
OK, rapid fire.
Wildest stories from the ER.
I drained an abscess that
smelled so bad I threw up.
Uh-oh, yuck alert.
Joyce, don't comment on things.
Then we'll put in a siren sound effect.
Dance floor, not cop car.
When a leg breaks completely backwards,
like a busted-up crab,
we call them crabbies.
What? These are human beings.
Joyce, stop commenting.
Dr. Andrews, come dish
on some wild stuff.
Oh, uh, a couple coming
back from their honeymoon
Mm, uh-oh.
They got T-boned by a transport truck,
rushed in, both circling the drain.
OK, that's enough.
They're both begging me to
save the other one's life.
My wife asked me why I've
got such a short fuse at home.
[RASPING] Well, I'll tell you why.
Bill, you know we're
trying to have fun here.
I know you can see that.
Not cool.
Oh.
[JOYCE PLAYFULLY SLAPS CAMERAMAN]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Oh, I'm I'm sorry.
I should have offered to
share half of that with you.
Do you want to split the chocolate?
First, I'm more of a vanilla guy.
And second
why are you doing this?
You have to realize
how messed up this is.
[SIGHS] Listen, I know.
It's it's crazy.
Did you say you were divorced?
We're talking about you.
Well, my wife was the glue of my family.
I mean, she planned
all the family trips,
she made all the
holidays special for us.
And when she passed away, my
my kids and I, we just
we didn't know how to
be around each other.
And the kids just kind of drifted away.
You have any idea what that's like?
I guess my kids are a little distant.
Now that they've moved away,
it's easier to let the
days get away from you.
The glue does fade.
So I get it.
Oh, and I do like the
chocolate side of the cookie.
I don't know why I lied about that.
Oh, my God.
It's fine, it's fine. I'm a pro.
Thank you.
[METALLIC CLANKING] Jesus.
Oh, I'm sorry, just a little
bigger than I was expecting,
but not a problem.
OK, let's do this.
[SANTA EXHALES DEEPLY]
[WHISPERING] It's OK, it's OK.
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
- Be gentle.
- Obviously, yeah.
OK, here's a day in the life of the ER.
[JOYCE CHUCKLES]
Oh, my God! What is that?
Jesus, Joyce, I almost
cut this guy's [BLEEP] off!
God damn it.
Hey, Serena.
Yeah, it's pretty good for a first try.
This was our 12th.
[SERENA SIGHS]
It'd be way easier if I
was doing this with you.
I could just boss you around.
What?
I mean, I would support you, obviously.
Want to trade?
You film with Joyce, and
I'll take the penis thing.
Nope. I'm emotionally invested.
It's all of our penis now.
[LAUGHS]
Yeah.
Oh, what? Now you're on his side?
No. His wife died.
And sometimes when you feel
your family drifting apart,
people do crazy things
to keep them together.
- OK.
- Trust me.
I wouldn't fake cancer, though.
Well, maybe you don't love your family
as much as other people do.
[SCOFFS]
And dad's mad that I
forgot his tiramisu.
Solid priorities.
Your dad's lucky to have you.
You're a good daughter.
I'm glad to make him comfortable.
Still, can't be easy, though, right?
No. Kind of have to put
your whole life on hold.
Mm.
But the time you spend
together is a gift.
Yeah, a gift that comes with work,
like a mop with a bow on it. [CHUCKLES]
Still, I'm sure your mom would be happy
knowing that you're all
together on Christmas.
She hates that we're here.
No, how do you know that?
She's texted me all day about it.
Not from heaven, I'm assuming.
Uh, no, from San Diego,
where she lives with a new husband
who doesn't cheat on
her with my golf coach.
- But what can I do? He's sick.
- Mm.
Yes, he is a very sick man.
- Mm-hmm.
- OK, thanks.
Bob's a liar.
We knew that all along.
Yeah, well, this time he lied to me.
It's one thing you do
that with your family,
but I'm an innocent bystander here.
So rigged a little mock-up here.
Fake patient, hot dog, washer.
Sometimes you gotta practice,
rehearse the thing until
you got it down cold.
- Like jazz.
- What? No. God.
Just hold the light on it, all right?
[SIGHS]
This would be a lot
better with a cadaver,
but the morgue guy was
pretty huffy about it.
Yeah, really shaken up by the request.
All right, here we go. [CLEARS THROAT]
[WHISPERING] Come on. Come on. Come on.
Yeah, all right! [LAUGHS]
Should we go for two in a row?
[SIGHS]
Hmm.
Yeah, not a great ratio.
Welcome to our pediatrics department,
where beautiful, heartwarming
things are always happening.
Joyce, we need something punchy, viral.
This is too soft.
He has a widdle bear.
Oh, come on.
Hi, there.
Who's this little friend?
I ate the pebbles in my fish tank.
Oh. But does your bear have a name?
I can't leave until all
the pebbles come out.
You're killing me,
kid. This is so boring.
[LAUGHTER]
What happened?
We turned on his cochlear implant.
He just heard my voice
for the first time.
[BLEEP].
Damn it!
Sorry, sorry. That pebble kid just
Little boy hearing his mama's
voice for the first time.
Would have been nice to
capture that, but did we?
No.
You were supposed to support me today.
And all you've done is roll the eyes.
- Ugh.
- Ah! Just like that.
I mean, every instinct you have
is, like, impressively the opposite
of what the internet likes.
I got it! I've got the solution.
Thinks he has a solution.
[BRUCE SIGHS]
Hmm?
Yes, it seems crazy.
But you know who else looked crazy?
A lot of famous people
who did some good stuff.
I'm at the forefront
of my field, obviously.
I'm a master with the scalpel,
but I'm also the
master of another blade.
Katana, or katana,
is a weapon and a practice
that has captured the
imagination of the world,
mostly guys, for centuries.
I'm also pretty handy with a crossbow,
but that wouldn't help here. [CHUCKLES]
Unless
ooh.
No.
A sword? Are you insane?
You're thinking chop. Mm-mm.
It'll be more of a delicate slice.
No, you're crazy!
Oh, come on.
Do you know how many famous
people did crazy things?
[BRUCE SIGHS]
I bet deep down inside, he feels guilty.
Well, hopefully that guilt
will at least lead to a
painful ulcer or something.
Hey, do you guys know where I can talk
to someone about billing?
Yeah, down the hall, left-hand side.
You're not paying for him, right?
No, dad's insurance
should cover most of it.
And then we'll use the
GoFundMe on the rest.
He's got a GoFundMe?
This guy.
Hey, Bob?
Quick chat before we send
you dancing out of here.
We need to talk other options.
What options?
Well, you're not gonna love them.
Dr. Bruce, wait!
We have a ring cutter. You
can stop the amputation.
[LAUGHING] Oh, my God.
Wait, that was on the table?
[SCOFFING] Yeah.
I mean, I said you weren't
gonna love the options.
It's a Christmas miracle.
Actually, while Bruce was
sharpening his sword
Honing his blade.
I checked in again
with the fire department
and convinced one of the firefighters
to brave the storm by himself.
The guy's a hero.
Yeah, Christmas miracle.
And it just goes to show
that most guys will go above and beyond
when their penis or another man's penis
- is on the line.
- Yeah.
Can we get Bob's family in here, please?
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
So Bob has something
he wants to tell you,
and it's something he really needs
to get off of his chest, so
Yeah, we threatened to
report him for GoFundMe fraud.
I don't have cancer.
Wait, are are you saying that
- I'm cancer-free.
- No.
- Daddy's cured.
- Come on. No.
- I can't believe it!
- It's a miracle.
Bob? Bob? Bob?
No. No, Bob.
Oh. Dr. Ron is right.
There's more.
I want to return the GoFundMe money.
I already spent a little bit of it,
but I think I can make a few
bets and make that part back.
OK, everyone, here is what's going on.
And and no more special treatment.
I want you all to live your own lives.
And I'm gonna put in
the effort on my part.
Because the truth
is the truth is that
I kind of like being around you guys.
- Dad, I'm so relieved.
- [LAUGHS]
Oh, Dad!
No, no. I'm sorry.
No, they
I'm I'm sorry.
We we have to leave.
Oh, no, you gotta celebrate with us.
Yeah.
Well, this is kind of a busy time
around here for us.
Listen, take care of each other.
And, Bob, do not waste this gift.
I won't.
Let's go.
- Everybody hug your grandpa.
- Bring it in, everybody.
- Grandpa's OK.
- Oh, my God.
Music!
[JACKIE WILSON'S "YOUR LOVE
KEEPS LIFTING ME HIGHER"]
Your love ♪
Lifting me higher ♪
Than I've ever been lifted before ♪
Things were tense.
We were creatively blocked.
But then Serena said that a lip sync
could have kind of an ironic,
normie cringe kind of vibe.
[LAUGHING] What do
words even mean anymore?
You know your love ♪
Your love keeps lifting me ♪
Keep on lifting ♪
I realized I was fighting with my boss,
so I thought it might be smart
just to go with Joyce's idea.
I said your love ♪
Your love keeps lifting me ♪
Keep on ♪
Your love keeps lifting me ♪
Lifting me higher and higher ♪
- Higher ♪
- You know your love ♪
Your love keeps lifting me ♪
- Keep on lifting me ♪
- That was kind of fun.
It's Christmas, so
Merry Christmas, Joyce.
Higher and higher ♪
- Higher ♪
- I said your love ♪
[SANTA GASPS]
Keep on ♪
Your love keep lifting me ♪
- Lifting me ♪
- Lifting me ♪
- [ELF LAUGHS]
- Higher and higher ♪
I said your love ♪
Your love keeps lifting me ♪
Keep on ♪
Your love keeps lifting me ♪
Lifting me higher and higher ♪
Higher ♪
All right ♪
[UPBEAT SOUL MUSIC]
Yes, I should have flown there.
Well, maybe I can visit soon.
What's that?
No, I'm not dying.
Funny you should ask, but
OK, look, I gotta go.
Love you, bud.
Hey, how's Michael?
Good.
Glad I called.
Good.
All right, I'll see you tomorrow.
Oh. You mean Thursday.
No, tomorrow.
Christmas dinner, my place.
Bring something expensive.
OK, twist my arm.
Don't be late.
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
OK.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
[SIGHS]
Oh, God.
[DUMMY HEAD CLATTERS]
That's OK, yeah.
That wasn't yeah.
[SPUTTERS]
Glad we didn't do that. All right.
[BELL CLANGS]