Staged (2020) s01e06 Episode Script

Has it occurred to you
that she's read it
and hasn't got the heart
to tell you it's no good?
- Of course it has!
- Right.
Why would that not have occurred to me?
Just thought I'd check
I mean, that is the single thing
that is occurring to me repeatedly,
over and over again, of course.
Of course, of course.
- What do you miss?
- About the real world?
Yeah
Feedback from my wife.
Um Rehearsals, I suppose.
Film sets.
Oh! People bringing you
coffee every ten minutes.
- They have to be nice to you.
- Yeah.
It's, like, their job to
make sure you're OK.
Yeah.
"Would you like some thermals for today?
"You can slip a few on under
your costume, nobody'll know."
"Yes, I'm a bit cold."
"Yes, I know you are. Don't worry.
"I'll put some heat pads in your shoes."
"I need little warm hands and feet,
like a hedgehog!"
"Can we pop you over to make-up?
Can we pop you over to make-up?"
And then you go into make-up and it's
fucking disco!
- "All right?!"
- "Oh, is the music too loud?"
"No, it's fine, it's fine."
"Are you sure?! I can't hear you!
What did you say?
- "Is it too loud?!"
- "What?!"
Please can I have a professional
to sort this fucking hair out?
Oh, God!
Michael, I think I'm going to stop.
Uh Yeah, I should get going as well.
I mean stop doing the play.
I'm going to stop doing the play.
Why do you think that?
It's just a vibe, really.
With you?
With each other, and me.
Everything, really.
Worse than the argument?
At least with the argument,
it felt like they cared.
Now they're just not interested.
Is one worse than the other?
They're both pretty low.
But you think if one goes, the other
one's just going to follow?
Yeah, I think so.
Can we help them back in?
Yes, yes!
How?
- A whole new approach to rehearsals.
- We haven't done anything yet.
OK. Well, a fresh start.
Kick off from page one.
I suggested that,
actually, to them yesterday.
Great. What did they say?
Michael called me, um
"pusillanimous".
Ugh. What does that mean?
- I don't know. It's not good, is it?
- And what did David say?
- David nodded.
- To starting over?
Or at "pusillanimous".
- Janine, get my phone.
- Do you want your old phone?
- Right, there's just one thing
- new phone, or your secret phone?
Yeah, what's the thing?
- You can drop that tone, Janine.
- Is she all right?
- She missed her daughter's birthday.
- Why?
Fixing your mess.
What did she have to do?
Well, I had her driving flowers
and wine and cards
to David and Michael.
- Michael's in Wales.
- Yes, I know he is!
Is that even allowed?
You sound just like her.
Secret phone!
- Sorry, Janine!
- Pusillanimous prick.
Right, this is a long shot,
but there's an actor that I know
who owes me a favour.
Who? Who is it?
Oh, let's just hope
she honours her debts.
Wagwan?
Hello, trouble! How are you?
Go away.
No, darling. Not yet.
Listen, cast your mind back,
2015, St Petersburg.
Good God! You kiss your grandson
with that mouth?!
Do you know what this is about?
I do not.
Well, Jo's message was very mysterious.
It was.
- Did you get the flowers she sent?
- And the wine!
What wine?
Did I say wine?
No. Flowers. Yes, that's right.
Yeah, yeah. Very kind.
Yeah, lovely.
The woman who delivered mine
was a little short with me.
Yes! And her car was full of
"Happy 1st Birthday" balloons.
Probably does multiple deliveries
in a day.
I'm sure she's very efficient.
Can I tell you something
that I shouldn't tell you?
- I don't know. Should you?
- I don't know. Can I?
Well, I don't know now, do I?
- Georgia sent me your script.
- Really?
Yeah. She wanted to get
another opinion on it
before she spoke to you, but,
er she thinks it's incredible.
And what do you think?
Oh, fuck!
- Sorry!
- Sorry!
- Stop bleating, please.
- Sorry!
- Hello!
- I'll be with you in a second.
Jo says, "Flowers?"
- Yes, that's fine.
- And Champagne?
That's fine.
Oh, I hate this bloody machine.
Why can't we go back
to cups and strings?
I'm asking you, why can't we
go back to cups and strings?!
- Yes.
- Whatever you want.
David?
Sorry, I didn't realise
you were joining us.
Well, it would've somehow
lessened the impact, wouldn't it?
Yes, absolutely.
- You've grown your hair.
- Uh, extensions, actually.
Oh.
- And Michael.
- Judi.
Are those extensions too?
No, no, this, uh
this is all me.
Hm
Well, I've been talking
to your director.
- Simon?
- Yes. He's a lovely boy.
He's lovely, yeah.
- He's a tad ineffectual
- Ineffectual! Yes.
- And ambitious.
- Oh, absolutely.
A bit like a well-meaning moth
that keeps bumping
into the wrong light bulb.
He tells me you're not playing nicely.
Well it's been a tough few weeks.
- Is that right?
- Yeah, we've been through a lot.
- We've been rehearsing this play.
- So I've been told.
And you've fallen out of love with it?
Well, it's lost its lustre, yeah.
- Is it a comedy?
- No, it's Italian.
Oh, Italian?
- Any of you speak Italian?
- Yeah, Michael does.
Oh, do you, Michael?
I don't.
Well, perhaps you should have said no.
I suggested that.
Yeah, perhaps we should
I was torn too.
Yes. Well, it would have saved
a lot of trouble.
But you always say that
actors shouldn't say no,
because then people
will stop asking you.
Yes. Yes, I do say that.
- What, you don't mean it?
- Certainly not!
Oh.
Well, do you think people are
ever going to stop asking me?
- I suppose not.
- No.
No matter how often I say no,
they never do. They keep on and on.
"Do this." "Do that."
"Play a queen." "Play a spy."
"Play a cat."
Do you know how tiring it is
to be everyone's first choice
for every bloody role?
- I do.
- No, Michael, you don't.
No, no.
We're told in this industry
to expect rejection.
Now, some of us are fortunate
enough to reach the level
where we have to mete out the rejection.
That's not an easy
responsibility either.
Are you saying we should have said no?
I'm saying that the responsibility
of saying yes or no
lies squarely with you,
as does your behaviour afterwards.
You said yes.
- Yes.
- Yes.
Then stop fucking about.
We're actors. When we say yes,
we do the bloody job.
- You don't speak Italian?
- You think Simon's a lovely boy?
"No, this hair, it's all me."
- Well, it is!
- "It's all me!"
You are just jealous of my mane.
Trying to seduce the Dame.
Well, can you blame me?
You know, she's a national treasure.
I felt like a rabbit in the headlights.
Yeah. There is something ethereal
about her, isn't there?
Something otherworldly.
It's sort of like being consumed
by Angel Delight.
Which flavour of Angel Delight
are you imagining?
- Strawberry, of course.
- I'd have said butterscotch.
She's definitely hung up, hasn't she?
Well, I guess we should
do the bloody job, then.
I think we probably should, yeah.
Hey.
Thank you.
"I can't believe you found us."
"The family stare at the woman,
Christopher and his two girls
"caked in mud from days walking.
"Sarah has a cut on her face."
"Are you hurt, little girl?"
"I'll be fine."
"Where have you come from?"
"The girls look at Christopher.
"Tears begin to pool in his eyes."
"Over the mountains."
- "You have food?"
- "And water and a place to rest."
"We can rest! Dad, we can rest!"
"Her little sister begins to cry."
"Daddy."
"And his knees give in."
"He sinks to the floor, gathering
his daughters in his arms."
"Stay as long as you need."
"Oh, thank you."
"Somewhere, a dog barks."
Woof.
- "How did you find us?"
- "The man looks up,
"tears cutting rivers
through the dirt on his face."
"When I was young,
a circus passed through town.
"My father lifted me up
on his shoulders so I could see.
"I asked him how the elephants
found their way, and he told me
"they parade in single file,
"just holding the tail
of the elephant in front"
"..Until they get home."
"He looks to the horizon."
- Aw
- Aw
Very good.
- Still too pretentious?
- No!
No? Sure?
- Well, not in the right hands.
- Right.
- Thanks for reading in, Lucy.
- Oh, my pleasure.
And Anna and Georgia,
of course, obviously.
- And good work with those dogs, Simon!
- Thank you!
I mean, such variety!
- Yeah.
- Got any notes?
- Nothing.
- Come on!
- No!
- You must have something.
Uh
I loved how the daughter
rescues the father.
Oh!
That was actually Georgia's idea.
Oh, it's very moving.
And I loved the scene with the deer.
Yes! That one was Georgia, too,
actually.
The visual language was striking.
Thank you. I think Yeah, that was me.
What do the elephants symbolise?
The elephants
- Memory.
- Memory.
Did you write any of it, David?
I responded very well to notes.
- From a published novelist.
- From a published novelist, yeah.
Yeah. Could I be in the film
of your book instead, Georgia?
- No, no, no, no, no, no!
- Er, why not?!
Because if anyone does that,
it's going to be me.
- Why?
- Because I'm married to her!
What would happen to your film, then?
- Who'd look after the elephants?
- Fuck the elephants!
Ladies and gentlemen,
fuck the elephants!
Yep!
I miss elephants.
You miss elephants?
Yeah. David asked me earlier,
what do I miss?
And I miss elephants.
- You miss elephants?
- I do.
What, on a day-to-day basis?
No, not on a day-to-day basis, David.
But I thought about it,
and I would like to see an elephant.
I would like to see an elephant. Yeah.
Well, you've both survived
this long without one, so
That's true.
I miss hairdressers.
Ho-ho-ho!
What about you, Lucy?
Oh, God, I miss my own space.
Well
Simon?
Nothing. I am fine.
Really? Cos I
May I moot an idea?
No.
Oh, please! Let him moot.
Let him moot an idea.
May I put forth a moot?
Yes. He moots so beautifully!
I do. And I've missed mooting.
He's a master mooter.
Yeah. Master moot-ivator.
You really are! You moot-ivate me.
Thank you. If I may moot
2-4-6-8 moot away.
I moot that Simon misses
well-behaved actors.
Absolutely not.
Not even trying!
- Ah! You lie! You lie!
- Woohoo!
What was that?
- There's someone at the front door.
- Who is it?
I don't know. Uh Just
Just give me a sec.
- Rude at this hour.
- Mm.
What's the plan with the script, David?
Well, I'm sort of hoping
that Michael will do it.
Oh, amazing!
Although, apparently, he's attached
to Georgia's novel, so
Who's directing?
I don't know.
I might give it a go myself!
- Mm!
- Give it a go yourself?
Well, if you can do it, Simon
If I can do it, David
Who was it?
Uh, Hannah's son.
What did he say?
I don't know. I left Michael with him.
- Who's Hannah?
- Michael's neighbour.
She's OK.
Brilliant.
I mean, she was sick,
but the hospital did an amazing job.
That was her son.
She wanted me to know
that she was OK.
That she was OK. Oh, ho-ho! Ah
Excuse me. Excuse me.
- OK. We're going to leave you guys to it.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, we'll go too.
- Yeah. Lovely to see you all.
And you, Lucy.
Aw. She's lovely.
Yeah, she is. Yeah.
Um
We're rehearsing tomorrow?
I see no reason why not.
Michael and I are professionals.
When we say yes, we do the bloody job.
Great! Where from?
Have we done anything
with scene one yet?
No.
Maybe we should just
start with scene one.
Start from scene one. Page one?
- Very good. See you there.
- See you there!
God natt, sov got!
Ooh! What's that?
Goodnight and sleep well.
- In Welsh?
- No, in Swedish.
In Welsh, it's nos da a chysgwch yn dda.
Oh, God, you're impressive.
- Mm. That was all right.
- Mm
- You know what I miss?
- No! What do you miss?
You wearing a different top.
Oh, sorry.
And sleep.
- I'm going to bed.
- Na night.
Na night.
All right?
- Are you alone?
- Yeah.
I have so many notes on your script.
Oh, fuck off!
Well, what was it to begin with?
David Tennant, Michael Sheen.
- Well, that's absurd.
- That's what I said.
I mean, when in doubt,
it's alphabetical order!
That is not a fucking rule!
David John Tennant, you're going
the right way for a smacked bottom!
He's been like this
all the way through, Judi.
Now, Judi, its says here
your name came before Steve Coogan's
on Philomena.
- Yes.
- Before Billy Connolly on Mrs Brown.
Yes.
Well, they all come
before you alphabetically.
- They do.
- So why does your name come first?
I'm Judi Dench.
Um, what is the significance of "and"?
What do you mean?
"Gwyneth Paltrow, Joseph Fiennes,
"Geoffrey Rush and Judi Dench."
Well, there is something
to be said for magnanimity.
David Tennant
and
Michael Sheen.
Michael Sheen with David Tennant.
David Tennant minus Michael Sheen.
Michael Sheen, nevertheless,
David Tennant.
David Tennant, notwithstanding,
Michael Sheen.
David Tennant and Martin Sheen.
How about Judi Dench introduces
Michael Sheen and David Tennant?
- That sounds great, yeah.
- Yeah.
Hm!
I remember being in a scrap
about billing once.
How did you resolve it?
We had to recite the quality of mercy
from The Merchant Of Venice backwards.
The first one to get a word wrong
took an item of clothing off.
At the end, the person
left with no clothes on at all
got second billing.
And And who won?
Well, I did, of course,
but it was a close thing.
Oh, I bet.
Have you tried that?
Uh Well, David only ever
wears that bloody hoodie,
so, you know, it's not really fair.
Well, somebody should take
something off!
Anyway, your name will be twice on
the poster, David, cos you wrote it.
Well, yes. And I'm directing it,
actually. Any tips?
Well You could try
a good warm-up game.
- Really?
- Mm. It always goes well.
You know, who stole the cookie
from the cookie jar?
Michael stole the cookie
from the cookie jar!
David stole the cookie
from the cookie jar!