Starlings (2012) s01e06 Episode Script

1 We only become parents five minutes ago.
Seems like only last week that Bell was eating soil and wearing a saucepan for a hat.
Why did Lisa Gumble tell the world he spent the night in her room? Because she's Lisa Gumble.
Mind the tools.
Are you sure we need all this stuff for a weekend? Yeah.
I don't care what you take, just hurry up and go.
Make sure you go easy on the clutch and just don't slam the doors, and, also, bring it back with a full tank of petrol.
That's all I ask, Fergie.
Alright, relax, Nervous Nellie.
I will bring her back exactly as I found her.
Oh, what is that? Dolphin.
Could be a porpoise.
We're going to an ancient forest, not Center Parcs.
We don't need all this stuff.
You're not taking anything? Everything is in my backpack.
Where's your sleeping bag? In there.
Where's your tent? In there.
And food? In the backpack.
That's the point of wild camping.
Be compact and take the absolute bare minimum to survive.
Oh, he's wearing a cravat.
Sorry I'm late, campers.
Had to go back for my pillow.
Y-You're bringing a pillow? I have to, don't I? Got this sciatic nerve thing.
It's memory foam, like they use on the space shuttle.
It remembers the contours of your neck.
The irony is, I nearly forgot it.
This is getting ridiculous now.
Let's get going.
Granddad! Yeah! Ohh! Morning, Dad.
Oh, morning.
Is it Is it time? Right.
Look after one another, and if you need anything, and I mean anything at all, do not call me or your mother.
Have a nice time.
And drive carefully Ohh! Oh, listen to this, Bell.
This sounds lovely.
"The full body clementine and sea kelp wrap.
" "Relax and rejuvenate your mind and soul for two unadulterated hours of" It's £165! Well, Reuben said he wanted to treat me.
I don't think I could relax knowing it cost that much.
nappy rash cream and ointment? Forget about all that for a couple of days.
From here on in it's all about jasmine oil and frangipani flowers and lavender-scented pillows.
I don't know why I'm doing that.
Come on, you two.
The sooner you get going the sooner you can relax and do whatever it is you're gonna do.
We're in separate rooms.
You do know you could've had the Balinese suite for the price of those two rooms.
And it's got a four-poster.
Yeah, I did originally book that one but Bell said it was inappropriate, and now we've got separate rooms.
We're not back together.
It's just a weekend away and we'll see how things go.
I know.
I know.
Oh, you do what you think is best.
I'm just saying it seems a bit silly, that's all.
It is a nice room.
I'm going to get my hair straightners.
They gone? They're packing up the car.
Great.
Then we get the house to ourselves.
For the whole weekend.
Have you seen my hair straightners, Mum? I think Charlie had them.
I'll get 'em.
Not trying to get rid of us, Dad? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, we are.
Have a lovely anniversary, Mum.
Thanks, Bell.
What have you got planned? He won't tell me.
Ooh.
There's your hair thingies.
Wave bye-bye to your mum, have a lovely couple of days.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do and I'll see you soon.
Bye.
And we are alone.
Right, is this where we're coming off? Hm? Is this where we're coming off now? What am I looking for? Look at the road we're on now and tell me which junction we need.
There's hundreds of roads, isn't there? Yes, yes, yes, there are.
But we're on the big blue one there.
Oh, right.
I've got it.
Thank you.
So.
We've just gone past junction 40.
Where does the next one take us? Port Talbot.
Aye? No.
No, no, no, you're on the wrong page there.
That's Wales.
We're in Yorkshire.
Loz? Yeah? Can you give your father a hand, please? Aye? Give him a hand.
Oh, right, yeah.
Sure.
Erm Right, what you wanna do is you wanna do a U-ey Right.
And go back over the Severn Bridge towards Bristol.
That's more money down the swanny.
You don't pay on the way out.
No, we don't have to go over any bridge.
We're not on that page.
We're on the A1M heading towards York.
Just give me the map, give me the map! Woe! Alright, alright.
"Regal otter climbs tree with intent.
" How many letters? Three.
It's B, something, L.
It can't be.
There is no word that's B, something, L.
What's the B from? "Cable car.
" That's definitely right.
What's the L from? "Litigation.
" Let's do the Coffee Time one.
Yeah.
And here we are.
Wow.
It's beautiful, innit? A beautiful place for a beautiful lady.
Don't start that.
Sorry.
My God, you look beautiful.
I'm not too over-dressed for the middle of the day? Not at all.
That's just perfect.
Where are we going? Just give me one clue.
Please? OK.
This afternoon we are dining on the finest French cuisine at the most exclusive restaurant in town.
Where's that? Just follow the rose petals.
What rose petals? Don't.
OK.
Close your eyes.
Close.
And open.
Oh, Terry, this is amazing.
Have you done all this on your own? I had a little help from my friend Emmanuel.
Emmanuel? Who's Emmanuel? He's our personal chef for the afternoon.
Say hello, Emmanuel.
Bonjour, madame.
Oh, how lovely.
A chef comes into your house, uses your kitchen, cooks a fantastic meal.
How good is that? Really good.
What? Nothing.
What is it? Nothing.
It's just that I thought that we were gonna have the house to ourselves today.
You don't like it? No, no, it's lovely.
It's just a bit weird having a stranger in your kitchen using my ceramic rolling pin to tenderise meat.
Excuse me, sorry, would you mind not doing that? - That was a present from my mum.
- Pardon, madam.
You hate it, don't you? No, no.
If you do, you can tell me.
I won't mind.
Seriously.
I really hate it.
Right.
I'll get it.
Emmanuel? Sorry, chief, slight change of plan.
Nice one.
That is not going anywhere.
I didn't know it was gonna be muddy.
It's a dirt track.
I thought it'd be a good short cut.
You're not Henning Solberg.
It's an electrician's van, not a rally car.
Right.
What we gonna do? The camp's only up the road.
Leave it here and get it tomorrow morning.
We can't leave my dad's van here.
It might get looted.
We're in a forest.
Who's gonna loot it? Winnie The Pooh? Now get in the back of Rueben's van and grab onto something.
Whoa! What are you doing?! What's your room like? Come in, have a look.
Oh, this is nice.
All the antiques.
It's beautiful.
Are you on this floor? No, no, I'm in the new block.
It's about a 10-minute walk thatta way.
It's nice.
You booked any treatments yet? No, not yet.
I've booked a pedicure.
Then lymphatic drainage, dunno what that involves.
Then after that I've got two hours of "Pilates with Emma".
Right.
Er, you know they do these packages, where you can get four or five treatments for the one price.
Yeah, but it's not the real deal, is it? It's like the set menu at the Chinese.
There's always something nobody wants.
What are you gonna go for? Er, well, I thought I might have a mooch around and see what I fancy.
They do archery at the apple orchard, so I might give that a whirl.
There's bikes outside you can just use.
I might ride into the village.
Apparently there's a nice Norman church.
Why don't you have a massage? Yeah.
I don't really like strangers touching me, to be honest.
Well, why don't we meet in the restaurant later and have something to eat together? Yeah.
That'd be great.
Well, see you later.
Reuben? Yeah? Thanks.
You know, for all this.
It's really sweet.
Anyone else got a signal? I've got no bars.
Trying to get hold of Jan, see if she can tape Antiques Roadshow.
No, I didn't bring my phone, Granddad, because we're not here for that, are we? Right, firewood collection.
Who's coming? Gravy? I'm having lunch first.
Charlie? Can I just finish this? OK, OK, that's it.
All this stuff is going in the back of the van, excuse me, till we've sorted out the basics of a working camp.
Charlie, I want you to build a fire, and Gravy, you can dig the latrine.
You want me to dig a toilet? I want a 2ft hole, down wind, 20m away from camp.
Fill the bottom with small stones and fashion some sort of seat for comfort.
You want me to dig a toilet? We're only here for one night.
Loz, what are you filming? At the moment, you.
Yes, yes, I can see that.
Why? It's an idea for a short film I just had about how quickly a society can unravel when a group of people are placed in a harsh and unforgiving wilderness.
That's not happening here.
No, I know.
I might just film it anyway.
Are you coming with me to get firewood or not? Wouldn't miss it for the world.
Thank you.
I'll come too.
See if I can get a signal.
Charlie, keep building that fire.
Gravy.
Latrine! Put the camera away, Kubrick! Would you care for afternoon tea, sir? Yes.
That'd be lovely.
Milk, sir? Yeah.
Would you like me to put that on your room, sir, or would you rather pay now? I'll just pay now if that's OK.
How much is it? That's £18.
50, sir.
Yeah, just put it on the room.
Of course, sir.
Are you alright? Yeah, yeah.
Good.
Are you sure? Did the archery.
It was a bit weird.
I was the only one there.
Ended up talking to this old lady for half a hour, she thought I was a valet.
Kept asking me to bring her Bentley round the front.
Which I did in the end, just for a bit of peace and quiet.
How was your day? Fantastic.
That Pilates was incredible.
I feel about 14.
Look how straight my back is.
Look.
Emma said I was holding all my tension up here but not any more.
This place is amazing, Reuben.
That's great.
You look fantastic.
Thanks.
You should have a treatment.
It'll make you feel like a new man.
I dunno.
I'm alright here, thanks.
Right.
Get your robe on.
I'm booking us something now.
Together.
Really? Yeah.
You said the whole point of this weekend was to spend some time together.
What do you fancy? Navajo Head Rub? That's a bit pretentious.
I know what we'll do.
Right, that should be enough.
Let's head back.
Loz, are you ready? Yeah.
Good.
Cos that sun is on its way out and we don't want Where's he gone? Loz?! Yeah.
He's there.
Are you alright? Fine.
Bit of a divot there.
Agh.
Oh, no.
Oh.
I think I might've sprained my ankle.
Stop being such a drama queen.
Come on.
Let's head back to camp and sing some songs.
That way, isn't it? I thought it was that way.
Guys, guys, I think I can get us back to camp without getting lost.
This is The Love Police calling Janice Marie Starling upstairs to What are you doing, you idiot? Just get your sweet little cheeks up here.
Close your eyes.
Yeah, I know the drill.
And now you open them.
Oh, Terry.
Welcome to The Pleasure Suite.
This is perfect.
I thank you.
Happy anniversary.
Happy anniversary.
Oh, God! What is it? It's ice! It's freezing! Oh, God.
You're joking, is it? Feel it! Oh, my God.
I don't believe it.
The flamin' tank's playing up again.
Hang on, I can sort this.
Sorry, love, just give me two minutes.
What do you reckon, Gravy? Very meticulous.
Looks like an insect built it.
What are you doing? Keeping my eyes peeled.
For the monster.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Legend has it that round here they tried to create the ultimate fighting machine.
A kind of super soldier.
But it all blew up in their faces.
Well, go on then.
Tell me.
No, I don't want to scare you.
You won't scare me, Gravy.
During the Cold War, when Russia was still united under the flag of the Soviet Union, they established a secret base in these very woods.
The Russians did? Yup.
In Yorkshire? Carry on.
They conducted a series of top secret trials out here.
Took the DNA of their strongest fallen soldiers and injected it into the embryos of various wild animals.
What sort of animals? Wolves, bears kestrels.
Kestrels? What would be the point in a half-man, half-kestrel? That's exactly what they thought.
So, after the war was over, when the Iron Curtain fell, they just let them all go.
Back into the wild.
These biological obscenities, these insults to God.
That's when the stories began.
Stories? A forest ranger, pecked to death.
Witnesses say they saw a winged man hovering at the side of the M62 just outside Guisley.
And then, a year later, a dog walker went missing.
They found his Jack Russell in a crudely constructed nest the size of a child's paddling pool.
At least they think it was a Jack Russell.
It's hard to tell the breed when they're inside-out.
Alright then, stop it.
It's getting dark now.
I won't say another word.
What was that? Probably just the wind.
Or a bird.
Oh, yeah, good one.
Oh, what was that?! I dunno.
That weren't me this time, I swear.
- Don't mess about, Gravy! - I told ya! Get in the van! It's locked, it's locked! Ohhhh.
Fergie's got the keys! Get in the tent! Just get in the tent! I'm just checking that you're not falling asleep.
Um, I was.
Sorry.
How long does this last? An hour.
Oh, they've got a light.
Bell? Yeah.
Just saying, I found a light in mine.
Reuben, I'm just gonna close my eyes and not talk for a while.
Yeah, yeah, good idea.
We don't need to talk, do we? It's just nice to spend some time together.
Hmm Made you a brew.
Thanks, love.
I'll only be five more minutes, I promise.
Right, well, I'll just sit here and watch you work, you sexy man.
Talking of sexy, look what I found.
My old punk T-shirt.
Look at that.
You were a rubbish punk.
I didn't have time for all that anarchy and gobbing, did I? I was doing my apprenticeship.
I was more a part-time punk.
You were a part-time everything.
Look at your little Dexy's neckerchief.
Ohhh! Let's not go slamming my taste in music.
Oi, some of that album's better than the Specials' latest stuff.
You don't believe that for a second, do you? Nah.
Look at this.
What is that? Don't you remember this? You don't remember this? Should I? We went to that festival in Worcester in your dad's old van and we had to sleep in the back because we ran out petrol.
Oh, yeah.
Hmm, you wrapped your coat round me and nearly died of hyperthermia.
Mmm.
Romantic though, weren't it? We pulled into that field on the way home, didn't we? Watched the sun rise over the peaks.
And we made a little Gravy.
On this very rug.
He was conceived on that rug? Yeah.
We should burn that.
That was 1985 BC.
Before Children.
It's our anniversary.
Perhaps later on we could re-enact the impulsive events of that magical morning? I am not getting into the back of a van with you.
Oh.
Why not? I think we can do much better than that.
We're gonna run out of wood.
They'll be back.
And what if they're not? We've got no firewood, no torches and the sleeping bags and all the food are locked inside the van! Calm down, Gravy.
I don't think they're coming back, Charlie.
Don't be silly.
Fergie's with them.
Oh, that's alright, then.
Well, he's got his little survival bag, hasn't he? It's got everything in there, including a compass, so they're not gonna get lost, are they? It's in the van?! Yes.
We were only nipping out to get firewood, and that should've taken half an hour, max! Can we slow down a bit? I think my ankle's starting to swell up.
And I need to go to the toilet.
You've been three times already, what is wrong with you? I'm 71! So?! Look, none of this is gonna get us back to camp.
Now I remember this thing from when I was in the Cubs, about the moss on the side of trees.
What? It only grows on one side, doesn't it? The north side Tsk.
Or is it the south? Anyway, the sun rises in the East and sets in the West.
So all we have to do is go in the opposite direction to the moss and we'll be heading North Or is it West? Anyway, it doesn't matter.
Doesn't matter? Do you know, in a more unforgiving climate, the length of that speech alone could've killed us.
I was only trying to help.
Well, don't! Hold on.
I've got a compass on my phone.
What? Yeah, it's got a built-in compass.
Look! Hey-hey! Hey, it's working.
Now then, we are currently facing 329 degrees North by Northwest.
Genius.
So which direction's camp? It's I've got no idea.
HELP US!! Look, I know we said we wouldn't talk about it We're not going to.
OK.
But if we don't talk about it now, Bell, we never will.
We need to talk about what happened with Lisa Gumble.
I don't wanna hear her name.
Not tonight.
We're having a nice, relaxing weekend.
OK, OK.
But we do need to talk about that person and what happened, so what I'll do is not say her name but replace her name with another name so that we can talk about it.
Who's someone else you hate? Bono.
OK.
OK.
So, first up, I did not have sex with Bono.
I admit I was very drunk and I did end up back at Bono's flat with a few of his her friends.
And in my drunken state I let Bono kiss me, but it was just a peck.
I didn't want to, Bell, but Bono is a very persistent woman, you know that.
Nothing else happened that night.
I walked away, I promise you.
And everything she's said since then is a pack of lies.
I think I believe you.
You can.
Bono is such a bitch.
Do you wanna dance? Yeah, I do.
I mean, I trust you implicitly.
You're my wife and I love you, but I can't escape this feeling I'm gonna to walk into a branch.
Duck! Right.
Nearly there.
Where are you taking me? The Jarrow Marches were shorter than this.
Nearly there, nearly there.
Stop.
Right, are you ready? Yeah.
Happy anniversary.
Oh.
Look.
No.
That's about it for me.
I'm done.
Ohh.
You go on without me.
It's not Platoon.
Come on, we've got to keep going.
I'm with Dad.
I think we should just bed down for the night.
Right, I'll see if they've got any rooms then, shall I? Oh.
Hello, Mr and Mrs Owl.
So sorry to disturb you at this time of night but we wondered if you had a room for three weary travellers.
No? Mrs Hedgehog across the way? Thank you very much.
Fergie.
Hang on! Fergie! WHAT?! Stop it.
You're frightening me now.
Well, where then? Where do you suggest we bed down for the night?! What about there? You Mwah! 'What we gonna do? How d'you mean? They're obviously not coming back.
' There's three inches of water in this tent, that one's collapsed, and I haven't eaten in five hours.
We need to get in that van.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're right.
Right, if we can get something thin enough, then I reckon Can you reach them Jammie Dodgers? Seriously? What is this place? Dunno.
Looks like an old oast house or something.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, look, it's dry and it's keeping the wind out a bit.
So like Loz says, we should just bed down here until morning.
What time is it? Um, five past ten.
Oh, God.
Come on, let's just Oh.
Should we not all huddle together for warmth? No, it's not happening.
Dad? You wanna huddle up? Nope.
Right.
Night, Granddad.
Night, Loz.
Night.
Goodnight, lads.
Thanks for a smashing day out.
Right, well.
This is my room.
Yep.
Yes.
Thanks for walking me back.
My pleasure.
Tired now.
Yeah, me too.
Do you want to do something together again tomorrow? We could have a couple's massage, if you don't fancy one on your own? Couple's massage? Is that what we are, then? Night, Reuben.
Night, Bell.
See you at breakfast.
It's just as cold in here as it is outside.
That's cos the outside is now in here with us, thanks to you putting a log through the windscreen.
Just trying to keep us alive, Charlie.
Are you sure you've got enough room?! Yeah.
It's alright side to side but the leg room's virtually nonexistent.
Did you just kick something over? Dunno.
Probably.
Night, Gravy.
Night, Charlie.
I can hear your heart beating.
It sounds really strong.
It is strong.
Just because the band's playing out of time it doesn't mean that you can't dance to the music.
When's your next check-up? Booked in for a full service next month.
Good.
Cos if you ever die on me, Terry Starling, I will kill you.
Oh.
Didn't even flinch.
What's that? Mm.
What was what? Listen.
This is for your king, you treacherous dog! Excuse me? Standing down! Yeah? What's going on? It's the Battle of Bosely Meadow.
North Yorkshire Re-enactment Society.
Argh! I said "standing down"! Sorry, Geoff.
You don't hit a man with a bloody mace when he's standing down! Sorry, mate.
Argh! Aarrgh! Serves him right.
Idiot.
What are you doing in there? Are you the dwarves? No! Apologies, sire, we became lost as night fell and took shelter in your humble dwelling.
Right.
I wouldn't stay in there if I were you.
Once us lot are dead, these monsters here are gonna come and burn down this castle.
Thank you, my liege.
We shall make haste.
Can you stop doing that.
What? That! Aaaarrrrgh!! Morning sir.
Morning.
I've just been for a stroll through your lovely grounds.
Who's the bronze statue of in, the, um, the Garden of Acceptance? That's Oswald Mosley.
Is it? Yes.
He lived here for a while.
Before it was a spa, obviously.
Well, he he was keen on cleansing.
Hm.
I'd like to, er, book a couple's massage for after breakfast, please? Yes, certainly.
Would you like the Thai, the Shiatsu or the Romantic massage? The Romantic sounds good.
Bell? Yeah.
Am I supposed to be naked or should I have kept my pants on? Very funny.
Do you think anyone's coming? It's very quiet.
The lady said the girls should be a few minutes.
Maybe I should just come over there and give you a massage myself.
I might just let you.
Really? Oh, yeah.
This was a very good idea.
This was a very bad idea! Trust me, this is the way.
I can tell by the vegetation.
You told Gravy there weren't any rivers in this area.
This isn't a river, it's a stream, and it was not on my map.
It's alright.
It's making me want to go to the toilet, all this water.
There's a surprise.
Granddad wants to go to the toilet.
Stop having a go at my dad.
You what? You've been at him all night.
This was all your idea, Fergie! You wanted to go wild camping miles from anywhere instead of just going to a normal campsite with organised facilities.
We would have gladly paid extra to go to a place with a shower block, or a clubhouse, or perhaps some nightly cabaret.
If there had been any entertainment, we'd have missed it anyway! Cos you'd have fallen down a hole and twisted your ankle! It's like going camping with a cartoon character! Oh, look, there's Terry's van.
You can thank me later.
Morning.
Oh, good morning, husband.
I've just been back to the house for a few bits.
Thought I'd bring you breakfast in bed.
Oh, thank you.
What time is it? Half eleven.
Is it? I haven't had a sleep like that for years.
It's all the fresh air.
Yeah, and it's so quiet out here.
Even quieter back at the house.
But they'll all be back home tonight.
Which means we've got the rest of the day to ourselves.
We should probably make the most of it.
About that.
I've been thinking.
Don't freak out, just gonna throw this out there.
What about if we stay here forever? Me Tarzan, you Jan.
Yeah, alright.
My word.
What's happened? Where is everyone? Look at me tent! Look at the van! Looks like a wild animal's been here.
A badger or something.
What, and climbed up on the bonnet and smashed in the windscreen with his soft nose? Well, a swan can break a man's arm, and I saw a gibbon take the sunroof off an Astra at a safari park once.
What's this got to do with anything? I'm just saying! Well, don't! Boys, you might wanna come and look at this.
Oh.
Yeah, yeah.
Aaaarrrgh!! Too bright! This girl has magic in her hands.
I've never felt this good in my life.
This is sensational.
Told you you'd like it.
Like it? I feel like I'm on another planet.
OK, guys, if you'd just like to roll over onto your backs.
Hello, Reuben.
Bono.
Oh, my God! Please, please, no.
Not this.
Get your hands off him! My hands? It's his hands you should be worried about, you pathetic cow! How can you afford to come here anyway? No, Bell, Bell, come on! Come on.
She's not worth it.
We're having a nice time aren't we? You're having a nice time, you mean! What was it you said about her having magical hands and taking you to another planet?! But I didn't know it was her, did I? Take me home.
Now! Well, she's mellowed.
What are you staring at? You.
You're gorgeous.
Yeah, proper George Clooney I am.
You are.
You're my big strong man.
D'you still think I'm beautiful? Um To be honest, can't really focus on you from this distance.
Not without my readers.
No.
Do you? Well, put it this way.
I came down the other day, you were grating that big lump of cheddar for my sandwiches.
You had that horrible blue nightie on, your hair was like Worzel Gummidge.
But I stood in that doorway and I watched you for a while.
You still managed to take my breath away.
Right.
Come on.
Oh, is this one of your fantasies? Come on.
Doing it in a bird hide? Come on.
You knew she was gonna be there, didn't you?! I bet you planned it all! Listen to how mad that sounds? I didn't even wanna have a massage.
It was your idea.
Just go, Reuben! I don't wanna look at your stupid face any more! I can't go anywhere cos I don't have my van.
There's your van.
Now go! What have you done to my van?! What's happened to my van? Fergie! Not now, Reuben.
I've had a very, very bad 26 hours.
What happened, Loz? I just wanna get my pillow and go home.
Granddad? What happened? Nothing.
It never happened.
Nothing happened.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no! Look at this.
What happened? Now you're upset? You care more about that van than you do about me! Somebody tell me what happened to my van! Don't look at me.
It's Fergie's fault.
My fault?! How is any of this my fault?! You threw a log through the window! Cos you left us out there to die! Well, not really die.
Shut up, Charlie, who's side are you on? Was sort of your fault.
It's not my fault! Jammie Dodger man there smashed the window! None of this is happening! Charlie, on your toes.
We're having Derby County trials tomorrow.
That's why I'm talking to Charlie.
She's gonna play for Derby County? Fancy a little trip to the theatre? I'm gonna stay here and get smashed.
I wish I could forgive him but I can't.
She is my new girlfriend.
You're just another item on her to-do list.
You're jealous.
What they don't know won't hurt 'em, eh, Tel?