Stath Lets Flats (2018) s01e06 Episode Script

1
You don't have any work coming up soon?
Antonia's son, Julian,
punched me in the face.
I just went into the toilet and Julian
was in there even doing drugs,
at the end of the day,
and that's said now.
- Sacked. Sacked.
- What do you mean sacked?
You fancyAl, innit?
I clocked you, I got you.
You fancy him.
This is my girlfriend, Tomoko.
Oh, you're OK, Sophie? Don't say that.
We could just look around
on our own.
Why are we waiting to be
shown around by some idiot?
Sorry, what are you doing?
I was just trying to get some excitement
in our lives with a spooky scare.
Sorry, I'm Stath, the letting agent
from Michael & Eagle Lettings.
Who are you,
coming out of nowhere?
Oh, lovely.
Let's get these lights on. Ah!
Ah, yes, the electric
actually runs on a meter,
er, so we don't like to top it up,
because we like it to be
a nice treat for you
to be the first person who gets to
turn the light on, if you rent the flat.
- So the lights don't work?
- Did I say that?
Unfortunately, there isn't actually
windows in this property,
but you can, erm If you just
touch this surface, very nicely,
you'll be able to see that
it's actually a very soft chair.
If you grasp hold of this,
I believe it to be a long stick.
No, that's a
It's a cupboard with red
I don't know why
I'm guessing the colour.
Huh?
How on earth did I get in there?
I thought I was in here with you.
Are you keen to take the property,
now that it definitely has windows?
I mean, yeah.
We were just saying
it's an all right price.
I think we're interested.
Yes!
Go on then, I'll take it.
Yes!
- Is it available now?
- Yes!
Sorry, that was just a question.
Oh, right, yeah, sorry.
Well, signed.
Welcome to the Michael & Eagle family.
Oh, speaking of family,
this is my sister, Sophie.
So, she's your sister now!
See you at Merry Christmas!
Oh, bless you.
Happy Christmas.
Yes, on your way for another day.
Lovely. Goodbye.
What?
Not on me, mate!
What you doing inside my own office?
What, you think 'cause
you just got fired from your office,
everyone's office is your office now?
It's not. This one is mine.
Are you or your dad free
for a bit of a chat?
- No.
- Oh, my God, Julian! Oh, that's mad.
I was just thinking about you, actually.
I was just talking to this landlord
called Jolyon,
and I was like, "Oh that's mad."
How can I help you today, my love?
Sorry, Karen, but I'm actually here
to speak with Stath.
- Oh. It's Carole.
- Sorry.
He called you Karen.
What?
I just come to see
if there was any spare work going?
Ha!
Oh, what?
Are you family? No.
God, are you even Greek?
Now what even are you? Scottish?
No I'm part French. Julian.
All right, look,
just, erm, calm down for a sec.
- Yeah?
- I am calm.
Yeah, just think about it, right.
I can bring all those contacts
from Smethwicks. Yeah, all of them.
No! Do you know what day it is today?
- Staff?
- Dad.
Bravo!
Next time, please sing it in Greek. Nah?
- No.
- I can't.
- Oh.
- Look over there.
Mm-hm.
- Is he getting the goal?
- Yeah, very much.
Fabulous.
- Can you read it for me?
- Oh. This side's from me.
"Dear Dad, happy birthday,
I love you so much.
"I'd go crazy if you died."
Oh, I didn't write my name.
But it's Sophie.
- Oh.
- Sorry.
- Bravo.
- Now mine.
Thank you, darling.
Thank you very much.
My one now.
"Dad, oh, my God,
we been through so much good times,
"I can't even believe you're my Dad.
"Are you retiring today? 'Cause you said
you would when you turn 70,
"'cause it would make me
so proud to take over as manager."
Can you cut my hair, please, Sophia?
Just a small one.
Dad.
Have you seen my sunglasses?
No, I've got mine. Cool.
I've told everyone to wear sunglasses
as a theme for the party.
Sorry, erm, in the card,
I asked about you retiring.
Did you hear that?
Yes, yes, I'm retiring.
No, I asked 'cause I wanna take over
from you, the business. Can I?
Stathis, I'm having my haircut.
What? Come on tell me now, please, man!
I've been working well hard.
I let a flat with the lights off! Dad!
Dad!
- Dad! Talk to me, man!
- Fine! Shut up!
Yes. Yes, you are taking over from me
as manager.
OK. Crumbs, man.
What, you're going?
- You're my family.
- Hmm.
The business is yours.
- But don't tell anyone.
- I won't.
I want to do it as a speech later, OK?
Yeah, thank you!
That's what I'm saying!
God, it's too much for my head,
I feel my head's gone big.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- What's that?
I feel like
I've been blessed by God!
- Is that Stath?
- Yeah.
He's bare excited
about his dad's birthday.
Good Good job everyone. Work it!
Let's get a lovely amount of work done
and then we can all chill down
at Dad's birthday drinks.
If you're good!
Hush your mouth, man.
Sorry about shouting just then,
I'm only telling you this, yeah,
'cause I know I can trust you.
Little secret.
But I think I'm gonna take over
from Dad as manager, one day.
Obviously. You're his son, innit?
Thank you, Dean. That means a lot.
Er, Marcus?
- Ah, Statho.
- Yeah.
Erm, I'm just telling everyone
- Um
- What?
Well, soon enough,
I'm gonna be the
- Ah! Sorry.
- What?
Ah, konnichiwa.
How was your day off?
How was the London Eye?
Yeah, it was good. Thanks, yeah.
I mean, I got my coat trapped
in the door of the pod, but it was
Michael & Eagle Lettings.
Sorry, I've just got to pee. Sorry.
I want to tell you, the thing is
- Sorry, Stath!
- What?
Oh, I haven't told you yet.
Do you work here?
I've never seen you before.
Bev.
Good to have you on the team, Bev.
You're so happy
she's here on holiday, innit?
Oh, yeah, that's cool, yeah.
I've lived by myself for so long,
it takes a bit of getting used to.
Like, I'm a kinda
"silence after 10:30 p.m. kinda guy,"
so she says something at 11:00
and I kinda tense up a bit.
Uh, yeah.
But there are ups too, though.
You know, she brought a water filter.
So the water's been incredible.
I knewyou'd be so happy
to have her here.
Oh! Oh, no,
I've got to get to theJobcentre now,
I've got to get
Try to get some acting work.
What was that?
Oh, shejust said that Marcus
is the funniest guy she's ever met,
and I was like, "I couldn't agree more."
- Grr.
- Oh.
- Hello.
- Hello!
Amazing.
Hmm. Uh, Tomoko'sjust asked,
"What are you up to now?
It'd be nice for us all to chat."
Oh! Erm
For the party!
Help yourself to that, Tototo.
I need to tell you my news.
You bloody ignored me earlier.
Right, look, Vasos's birthday drinks
doesn't start for another 20 minutes.
Let's make it count.
Excuse me, Carole, would you mind
if I had a quick private word
with you in the corner?
- It's not a corner.
- Well.
OK, look, I know we've got
our little history, OK?
- I'm still very raw about that.
- Shh.
But if I ever hear you
talk to my staff again like that,
I will get a bit of paper
and write "get out" on it,
and give you that bit of paper.
Well I'm not going to
take that bit of paper.
OK. You gonna talk to me
like that when I become manager?
Very smart and rudely?
Er, if there's a change in manager,
I imagine it'll be going my way,
so don't get too excited.
What a tremendous giggle, innit?
It's a family business, OK?
Michael & Eagle,
not Michael & Carole.
You seriously need to watch yourself,
because when I'm manager,
I will fire you within seconds.
Well, when I'm manager,
I'll fire you within seconds.
Minutes. No, seconds.
And you know what,
Dad did just make me manager, OK?
And you are fired. So get out.
- What?
- Sophie, tell her.
Dad just made him manager,
it's like a birthday thing.
Yeah, and as a birthday present to him,
I'm firing you.
You're fired.
Why are you firing Carole?
- Is Stath taking over?
- No.
- What? Yes, I am.
- No.
No more boss for you.
I'm taking it away.
What?
I'm sorry, happy birthday, yeah,
but your son is very, very shit.
And I'm sorry I had to say that.
Uh, yeah, shit. Good!
Dad. I'm sorry, please
Let's go somewhere quiet.
OK.
- This is the same.
- Yeah.
Vas, if you're retiring,
OK, I back myself,
I want to apply to take over.
I want an interview.
Er, apply to me, innit.
I'll put your application in a lake.
Right, how about this,
I hand my notice in then.
- Put that in your lake.
- Where is the lake?
No notice. No notice.
Interview, you can have an interview.
Let's do it now
before the party gets dancing.
No, no, no, she can't,
she'll get the job!
I get an interview too then, thank you,
'cause that's fair.
Just interview me
and then interview him.
No, she can't go in on her own!
She'll say manure about me!
Panagia mou!
I'll interviewyou at the same time.
Boom! Finished.
All right.
Come on, birthday boy,
let's get this party started!
Bev, up on your feet. Come on, Bev.
My cousin told me a joke in Greek,
it's about the Kardashians.
And it says that their bums is so big
that they don't even need a chair.
Oh, my
She loves it.
Basically, I would be
amazing at thisjob.
Er, no, you wouldn't,
she's lying in the interview.
- Red card. Beep!
- Sorry. No, I'm sorry, can I just
The reason why I want thisjob,
is because I am thisjob.
- Does that make sense?
- No.
I feel like everything in my life
has built up to this.
Ten years old,
started a tuck shop at school,
made a killing on pink shrimps.
Fourteen, rented out
my bedroom to tourists.
Eighteen years old, Richard Branson
of Virgin come to my college
and he said,
"Carole, I'm blown away byyou."
- What? Did you fart on him?
- Disgusting. Pathetic.
The point is, I wow people.
I'm popular, I'm hungry
Yeah, well then have some crisps
and go back to the
- Wait, where are you from?
- Woolwich.
Right. I rest my case.
Wait. What tourists
were visiting Woolwich?
Don't do so many interrupting.
Why do you want the job
if you're so smarty daisy?
Right.
I want thisjob, yeah,
and I'm right for thisjob, yeah,
'cause, yeah Sorry.
I want the job, yeah,
'cause, you know that phrase?
"He handed it on to his son,
and he handed it on to his son."
That is a nice phrase,
and it's true, innit?
Sorry, are you drawing me?
Erm, Vas, I've actually written
a couple of questions there,
which I think might
really help us shine.
Oh, my tisking hell.
"A salesperson would be
able to sell anything.
"Sell me the honey."
Ah, you want to buy my honey?
Oh, no. Uh
What, do you want me to buy his honey?
No, Stath, you are selling
the honey to Vas.
Why am I selling my dad his own honey?
Get real.
No. Right. Pretend it's not his honey.
OK, watch.
Sir, can I ask you what it is
you actually like about honey?
I like to have it, to eat.
Oh, well, this is lovely honey.
I'll buy it.
Oh, very clever.
Sophie, agabimou?
Is this your father's sunglasses party?
No, no. The grapes are over there.
This is my dad's friend Yiannis.
Hi, Al. I'm Al.
Is this your husband?
- Oh, no. I'm not married to him.
- No, no, no, no.
Al, can you help us with something.
Bless you, bestie.
All right, Yiannis,
there's grapes over there.
Al!
Here we are.
The prime minister's coming for tea.
Hi, guys.
Yes, who do you like working with more,
out of me and Carole?
That was not the question.
Let Vas ask the question.
It was the question I asked.
Sorry, Carole, what is it?
Right. OK. As our co-worker,
what do you see as mine and Stath's
key strengths and weaknesses?
Weaknesses.
I I don't think I can answer that.
- No, you should.
- You can.
Come on, little friend.
It's OK, Alastair, speak.
Well, Carole, obviously has
the highest success rate, work wise.
Um, I can't think of a weakness,
she's an amazing strong person.
Start with me, if possible.
And, erm, Stath I know very well,
and he's a good guy, and
Oh, my God! Thank you, man. Wow!
Christ, sorry.
And no weaknesses, he said.
Was gonna say, like Carole.
No. Not like me at all.
- Yeah, it was similar.
- I don't know what you heard.
I'm sorry, but who's closer to Al?
Who knows Al better?
Al, stand up for yourself!
I am standing up for myself!
I'm burning in the fire!
I'm standing in the middle
of the god-damn fire out there!
Sorry, my head.
Al, calm down, yeah?
Sorry, Tomokojust appeared
out of nowhere and
I got my coat stuck in the pod
of the London Eye, so
God, I forgot about that, I'm sorry.
I'm fine though, really.
I'm fine. I'm the best.
You're damn right you are.
You're better than
You're better than anyone.
And, if I become manager,
I'm gonna make you the top one
in the office. Honestly, I will.
It's great idea.
It's not a great idea. I'm sorry,
Al doesn't do anything, he'sjust there.
I'll just go outside.
Look, I'm sorry, we can't hire people
because they're there,
or we feel sorry for them.
I mean, look, Julian came in
this morning with his CV.
The man is a machine.
- It's not good to be a machine.
- Look, hear me out.
If we were to hire him as an agent
Don't start.
Don't bring his name up
in my Dad's office.
Right, look, I'm sorry,
but this is the problem.
You won't hireJulian,
because you don't like him as a person.
- Yeah.
- You don't give a shit about the work.
You're going to tell me
who I give my shits to now, Carole?
Am I stupid because I don't hire crooks?
Enough. No more interview.
No, all I'm saying is, he could
bring his clients over from Smethwicks.
Am I manager now? 'Cause she said that.
- That was quite bad, innit?
- No. No.
No one is the manager.
It is my birthday day,
and you are both acting like
you are the queen of a castle
and I'm the dirty arsehole.
- Happy birthday.
- Sorry, Vas.
I need to think. I don't know.
If I know later, I'll say.
If I don't say, I don't know.
Oh, I've been squishing on my glasses.
Oh, make a wish.
- Sophia, darling.
- Is Stath manager?
Get me some new glasses for my birthday.
Oh OK.
Sorry, I've got to go out. Sorry.
Sophie-san Uh, Sophie, um
We'd like to come too,
we'd like to get some fresh air.
Oh, erm Lovely.
The way we were all standing, I thought
we were going to do a Greek dance.
We look so cool, innit?
Oh, yeah. God!
Like a pop group!
MichaeIJackson.
Or surfer dudes.
Imagine MichaeIJackson
surfing down a red carpet.
Sunglasses.
It's a difficult concept to grasp.
Erm, Tomoko
Tomoko wants me to ask
what's going on between us.
What did you say?
She wants to hear it from you.
Can you tell her,
I do really like him, Al, a lot,
and he's very nice to me,
but I don't want to have sex with him,
like, naked or anything.
Just friendships.
She's sorry
if it was embarrassing to ask.
No. It's lovely to ask.
How do you say lovely in Japan?
Utsukushi.
Oochy kutesy.
He's thinkin' he's gonna
make me manager,
but hejust needs
a bit more time to think.
I'm actually a very good
judge of character,
and there is no way
that you are getting that job.
I think you'd both be smashing.
Two very strong contenders, actually.
You knowyou'lljust be writing
paperwork all day if you get the job.
Why is that good?
Why? You know why it's good.
'Cause it's
It's cool. It's manager.
Oh!
Well, I'm manager of Michael & Eagle.
Excuse me, are you
the manager of Michael & Eagle?
- Yes, sir.
- No one gives a shit.
Manager of Michael & Eagle.
What does Michael & Eagle even mean?
Michael & Eagle?
Because my Dad had a friend
called Michael, and he had a dog.
Then why Eagle?
'Cause the dog was called Eagle.
Oh, has Dad called you?
Nah, I just saw,
he's coming back down the road.
- Stath
- Oh, my God, everyone hide. He's coming.
It's not a surprise party.
Hello.
Everybody, the birthday boy's here.
Raise your wine!
- Raise your wine!
- Vasos, this is Tomoko.
Sorry. Excuse me.
Stagi man, get out the way, he's my Dad.
Imagine if I got in your way
on your Dad's birthday.
Get out the way!
Dad? Dad!
Sorry, sorry, I want to do a present
for my Dad.
What are you doing in here?
Piss off, Scottish idiot.
- I'm half French, Stath.
- No, no! Not arguing now, thank you.
Thank you for my song, it was
What's he doing here?
- Please.
- What?
Right. Get out.
Er, thank you for all being here
to love me and have a fabulous time.
To be honest,
I'm not happy to be turning 70.
It's shit. I don't want it.
Yeah, but why is Julian here, though?
- Hush, baby. Hush, baby. Not now.
- Get out.
I've told some people
I'm going to retire.
I'm sorry,
I'm not going to retire any more.
What? Then why did I
bother singing a bloody song?
It's not a speech
if you keep interrupting,
it's just a loud chat!
I'm not retiring!
I am bringing someone on board
to manage alongside me.
- Is itJulian?
- Stathis
- Is itJulian?
- It is Julian.
Carole,
you make a nice point earlier.
I've spoken to him,
he has changed a lot.
He's going to bring us
a lot of business.
It's good for business,
it's good for family.
I'm doing it for you.
Ah, I haven't even had
a sip of champagne yet!
Basically,
this is all out of the blue for me.
Er, it's kinda like
you know.
Obviously, Vas, you and I have got to
have a chat, work out wagwan.
Uh, it's exciting, it feels fresh.
You know, it's a fresh start.
Feel free to call meJulian,
that'd be nice.
I'm thinking actually, Vas,
maybe some fridges there,
with some sparkling water.
Anyway, doesn't matter.
You know, maybe drop some dead wood.
Bring in some fresh wood!
Yeah, but basically, let's just start
letting some fucking flats, yeah!
But definitely drop some dead wood.
Where's Sophie?
Vasos, efcharistopoly,
which is Greek for thank you.
What is this?
Sophie!
Oh, OK, so my sister's
smoking herself to death now?
Do I even have a family
or something, whatever?
Why you being so dramatic for?
Huh?
This is the most necessary dramatic
of the century, man!
Did you see what happened in there?
No, you didn't.
I've got a Scottish boss now, OK?
He's gonna make my life
a hivving lell Hivving hell!
Shut up!
- Were you singing in there?
- Huh?
What you doing that for?
Singing a song for Dad.
What, was it shit?
Everyone's acting like I sang
a shit in their ear.
Well, it was well sad.
You should have done like
a happy-go-lucky one.
Or made something up.
Well, what? Like what?
You just make that up now?
I swear, damn, man,
my sister's gonna be famous.
You're dirty,
you were just throwing that up!
Oh, my God, that's the best song
I've ever heard.
- Aw.
- Serious.
You've always had
the gift of the song, innit?
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Back in the day.
Man, what was that one we used to do?
Love stress
- Stressed out life.
- Stressed out life!
Stressing.
Let's go inside.
Is there any grapes left?
Sorry!