Strangers with Candy (1999) s01e06 Episode Script

1
[SPRAY CAN HISSING]
[FOOTSTEPS RUNNING]
MARTIN LUTHER KING [ON VIDEO]:
I have a dream
That one day,
this nation will rise up
and live out the true
meaning of its creed.
We hold these truths
to be self-ev
A moving vision of the future
King's dream was of an America
without racism of any kind.
The tragedy, of course,
is that all this footage
is in black and white.
Imagine how powerful
it would have been in color.
Any questions?
What happened to
Martin Luther King?
I'm not sure.
[HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM]
My God
That's Jellineck!
Let's go!
Geoffrey, are you all right?
Did you do this,
Mr. Cotton?
No.
Did you see who did this?
Did you see who did this?!
No.
BLACKMAN: All right, gangway,
make room, clear a path!
Pick a side!
All right, everybody!
Back to class, mach schnell!
Nothing to see here that hasn't
already been seen!
You, come with me.
But I have Biology.
Your classes in biology have
been absolved for today.
Besides, evolution is a farce.
In my office!
Well, Mr. Cotton,
I'm all ears.
I was in the washroom,
and then I came out
and I saw the word.
Why were you in the bathroom?
I had to relieve myself.
Of what were you relieved?
I'm sorry?
When nature called,
who came a-knockin'?
Huh?
Number one or number two!?
Number two.
Oh, I see
And uh how would you
characterize the stool?
The stool?
Yes, the stool,
would you say it was firm,
would you say it was aggressive
or presumptuous?
Would you call it moody?
Tell me all about it!
Uhhh, I'm not sure.
I don't know.
You don't know, or you don't
want to remember?
Who wrote that word
on the wall?!
I'm not sure.
Perhaps you did it.
I didn't.
[CHUCKLING] You're a
worthy opponent, Mr. Cotton.
Clearly you've won the battle,
but the war is by no stretch
of the imagination over.
This is my school,
Ceci est mon école,
compredez vous?
Well you can go
for now.
Well, get out!
Name's Paul, right?
Paul Cotton?
Yeah.
You want a puff-more?
You smoke?
No.
Good for you.
So what did Principal Q-Ball
do to you, huh?
Did he work you over?
He asked me some questions.
Did ya talk?
Nn-no
You did the right thing.
Y'know, I've been there
and it ain't easy.
The man locks you in a tin box
under the punishing Florida sun
after cutting sugar cane
all day,
soaking in your own filth.
God, the smell was ridiculous!
But I never talked.
I told him I didn't know,
but he didn't believe me.
Oh, how many times have
I been punished
for things I said I didn't do
and they didn't believe me.
They punished you for
the things you didn't do?
Oh no, I did them.
But I said I didn't and
they punished me anyway.
How's it goin', Suzy?
Nice "camel toe."
[BELL RINGING]
Sorry I'm tardy
So I'm sure you are all
wondering how I'm doing
after the incident.
Well, I'm shaken and upset.
So if you would like to send
baskets or donations,
I've written my address
at the back of the class,
it's on an easel
But please
No Mylar balloons,
they never deflate,
and I just don't have the heart
to throw them away.
I don't
[TEARILY] Why don't we get our
sketch pads out and work on faces.
I'm going to run to
the little boys' room
and collect myself.
[WHISPERING]
Jerri, I'm worried,
everybody is going to think
I'm the racist.
I can tell you're not a racist,
and you know how?
Because I'm not a racist.
And that's all
that matters, Paul.
Alright?
What are you drawing?
It's a Chinaman.
The buck teeth make me
laugh, ha ha ha
"Mong chong, ting tong."
"Me rikee you Paul,
ha ha ha ha
"I'll press your
shirts later" ha ha
Have you seen
Principal Blackman?
Noblet, I'm happy you're here.
I'm raising quite a lather.
Nothing revitalizes the spirit
or removes the grit and grime
of a hard day of principaling
like steaming water
and a high lather.
What's happening with that
Cotton caper?
Nothing new, but I'm worried
about Geoffrey Jellineck.
Well, he'll be fine.
Goddammit, Onyx!
Are you listening to me?
A teacher is upset!
I'm sorry, I was insensitive.
I'll tell you what:
I'll call a friend of mine.
He used to be a grief counselor
for the school board.
Now he re-enacts crime scenes
for television.
Sounds like a good man.
Coach.
Onyx, Chuck.
Cherry.
Noblet
We will penetrate the darkness
surrounding this
mysterious enigma.
The harmony of this glorious
institution is at stake!
Get my back.
Ahh
Who used my walnut
and shiitake shampoo?
Don't look at me.
Ehhh
Stop what you're doing!
I'm sorry?
Put the brush down!
Back away from the word, son.
Cleaning the wall isn't going
to make racism go away.
It's okay, I used to
be a grief counselor.
Look at the word.
How do you feel?
Uncomf disgusted?
Yeah, I understand.
That's okay.
What else?
Don't look at me,
look at the word.
Well, I'm late for my
angry?
Yeah, we all are.
It's an angry word.
But what you have to do
is you have to take that anger
and focus it back inside,
hold it there
and then never ever
tell anyone about it.
Okay?
Run along.
Percy, you got my call!
Onyx!
Ha ha ha
I came as soon as I got it.
I've seen the word.
I'm impressed.
Do we know who did it?
Well, we have a witness,
but he won't finger the culprit.
Hmmm, what about that
angry young native boy?
Orlando? He volunteered
to clean the wall.
Really?
They often return to
the scene of the crime.
Hmm, you're right.
How's the school taking it?
Any drama?
All you can eat.
Hey, Cotton Balls,
I hear you're
protecting a racist.
I'm not.
The only thing we hate
more than a racist is spics.
JERRI:
Derrick,
what are you and your
leather boys up to?
Hey, scrote
This doesn't concern you.
Hmm, that's funny.
Why does your finger
smell like his ass?
Troll, you're lucky
I had a heavy lunch,
otherwise, we'd be kicking the
hate out of your racist buddy.
Jerri, I've got to find out
who the bigot is.
Bigot?
Now, Paul, isn't that word
just as offensive
as what was sprayed
on the wall, hm?
A bigot is racist, Jerri.
Oh, right.
If I could just
concentrate on this,
I know I'd come up with a clue.
All you need
is some T.L.C.
And some vitamin "P".
What I'm trying to say,
Paul, is
I find you sexually attractive.
Jerri, everyone in school
I like the pole and the hole.
And right now I'm as moist
as a snack cake down there.
So why don't you come
to my crib after school
and I'll make your
pinky all stinky.
Would you like that?
You should stay away from
Paul Cotton, Jerri.
Why?
According to the vicious
rumors I started,
your new friend's a racist, huh?
Why would you say
something like that?
I don't know,
I guess I'm
Jealous?
I knew it.
Look, he's not a racist!
I don't even know if racism
exists anymore,
but I do know this:
You are very small.
You come from a country with a
brutal and unforgiving penal system
run by savage animals,
much like Brazil.
But you're my friend.
And even if I'm spending more
time with other people
it only means I'm spending
less time with you, alright?
Okay?
[CRUMPLES DOLLAR]
Okay, Jerri.
Hi.
My name is Percy Kittens,
and I'm a former
grief counselor.
Hello, Percy.
I'd like to ask you
a few questions,
but first, why don't you
tell me what you saw?
I think you're
pushing him too hard.
It's OK!
Now, Jeffery it's Geoffrey!
Look, you don't have to do this!
Maybe
You should leave.
Yeah, I think you should, too.
I was talking about you.
Please, Chuck, just go.
KITTENS:
Now go on
Uh, I was wearing a dago-tee
and um
This thin, cotton, blousy shirt
with an Indian pattern,
not [WHOOPING]
Kind of Indian, but
"ahh ahh ahh" kind of Indian.
And uh, I was walking
down the hallway
And I heard a sound,
a spray can sound
And the smell
That paint smell,
I can't get it out of my nose!
And I looked and
I saw the word
What did it say?
It said
ni ni ni nnn.
Stop it!
You're killing him!
Put away your claws, Kittens.
He's about blow!
I'm sorry!
Geoffrey!
No!
Those two are an odd pair.
Hmmm
I wonder what they're hiding?
What do you mean?
Recognize this color?
Huhhh
I recognize it.
Oh guy, please cut back
that wandering Jew,
it's taking over the whole yard.
Whoa!
Jerri, aren't you going
to introduce me
to your clumsy friend?
This is Paul Cotton, Mother.
Cotton, Cotton, Cotton
Why does that name offend me?
Oh yes
The graffiti.
Uh, it's a pleasure to
meet you, Mrs. Blank.
What do you mean by that, Paul?
I-I didn't mean anything.
Oh, then you're lying?
Nn-no.
I don't know
You don't know
whether you're lying
or whether I'm
a pleasure to meet?
Which is it?
I
Paul, I think you should leave.
I'm sorry, Jerri,
I don't want anyone
connected with that incident
in this house.
What are you talking about?
You are a notorious racist!
I have no problem with
the word itself, Jerri.
It's graffiti that offends me.
C'mon, Paul, let's go up
to my room.
All right, he can stay.
But leave the door open!
I hope nobody runs over
your bike, young lady.
Sorry about my stepmom.
She can be so over-protective
sometimes, you know?
My mom's the same way.
It's like living in a prison.
Minus the beatings
and the sodomy.
SARA: Jerri, what's
going on up there?
I don't hear any thinking!
Maybe we should just study.
Huh, it's not really what
I had in mind, but
All right, what's
the test on, again?
Chapters eight through twelve.
Say, let's quiz
each other on dates!
[SARCASTIC GASP]
Alright, here's
an easy one, 1776.
1776
Nothing registers.
Huh, 278?
Uh, you're really stumping me
Awww, sorry
Alright, 1812.
Nn-nope.
Jeez, I don't know any of these.
What happened in 1604?
I dunno, weren't we
just making these up?
I didn't lure you over here
to talk about some dates.
I wanted to show you this.
Hmm?
It's the Liberty Bell.
See the crack?
Solid brass.
C'mon, ring it.
[BELL TING-A-LINGING]
Uh, Jerri, this is moving
a little too fast for me.
C'mon, just
I never ever uh
Shhh, just relax.
What are you, 108 pounds?
Don't fight it!
It's for us.
Jerri, it was you!
What? No, I bought that
for my stepmother!
You only had me over here
to seduce me
so that I won't say it was you.
That's not true at all.
I care for you, Paul!
What are you
What are you writing?
G-spot
Gonads
Gooks!!
Good times
Goo good-bye!?
No!
Paul!
Mr. Cotton, I'd like you
to meet Mr. Kittens.
We believe you're
protecting someone.
Now, we admire your loyalty,
but we suspect your tenacity.
KITTENS: So I've put together
this teaching tool.
Paul, I'm hoping this
will show you
the serious nature
of this situation.
If it were up to me,
I'd beat it out of you.
Onyx, please.
I would.
I must have a hundred pounds
and sixteen inches on the boy.
Stick and move, stick and move.
Onyx, you're not helping.
Go ahead, coddle the boy.
Alright, look, you guys don't
need to show me anything,
I'm ready to
Uh-uh Mr. Cotton, please
we put a lot of work into this.
Check it out.
Didn't expect me, did ya?
Gotcha!
How's this taste?
[RADIO CHATTER]
Yes, I'm a black man, and yes,
I'm dressed like an astronaut.
That disturbs you, doesn't it?
Ha ha ha ha ha.
And I suppose a black woman
isn't supposed to be a doctor,
is that it?
What did you expect?
Something mo' like dis?
Educate yourself to
this reality!
Go on, tell me what else a black
man isn't supposed to be!
You need to face the fact
You are a racist.
A racist!
You, not me.
I'm not the racist, nor is
Mr. Kittens here.
Look, we know these images
are shocking,
but I'm not sure we want to
live in a country
where Principal Blackman can't
dress up like a giant squirrel.
You're a racist.
Where's my nut?
Yeah!
BLACKMAN:
Well, Mr. Cotton
Are you ready to spill the bean?
I believe the person
The person who spray-painted
Yes?
Out with it.
I
I guess I can't say for sure.
Maybe we should show him
the film again.
No, that's it!
You just found yourself
the proud papa
of a beautiful ten-pound
bouncing suspension.
Capiche amigo, hmm?
I got something to say!
I hope this has something to do
with the incident.
What incident?
The tragic, racist incident
that has shaken all our lives!
Oh that I did it.
Of course!
I should have known
he was covering for you.
Everybody in the school
knows that
Cotton has been reaping
the fruits of your loins!
He wasn't!
And he hasn't.
Why, Jerri?
Why did you write such
a hateful word on the wall?
I meant it I meant it
to be a parable?
You meant it to be a message
conveyed through
an allegorical narrative?
No a pun!
A pun, a play on words?
There's only one word,
how much play could there be?
Okay, all right
A riddle?
Oh, I like riddles.
But frankly I don't get it.
Neither do I.
BLACKMAN: Well, you
better solve it quickly.
Well, I guess and I'm just
stabbing in the dark here,
and I don't want this
to affect our relationship
But I don't like black people.
I'm so sorry, Paul.
I didn't mean to hurt you.
I really care for you.
I just find it odd
that such a racist
would care for
a person of color.
I don't.
I care for you.
Dring, dring, remember the bell?
Jerri, I'm a person of color.
[SNAP-SNAP]
What?
Well, how?
Both my parents are
people of color.
You see my skin is just
a recessive trait.
Oh, my God, I guess I do
like black people.
It just took a white one
to prove it to me.
Well, Jerri, I guess it was
a parable, after all.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Kittens, you're pretty good!