Stripperella (2003) s01e06 Episode Script
Beauty and the Obese: Part 2
1
Lovely day for a computer crash.
If it can be controlled
by a computer,
it can be controlled
by me, queen clitoris!
Ooh, baby, look at her!
Whoa!
That was great, Erotica!
One time, back in my hometown
of Cameltoe, Missouri,
I was trying to dance
inside a giant glass of scotch,
but it was on the rocks, and
I slipped and hit my head!
Listen up, everybody,
I've got an announcement.
I just thought I'd tell you,
we're closing tomorrow,
for a private party.
It's a kids' party,
so you guys might wanna work
out some dance routines
that are a little
more family friendly.
Hey, it's not a kids' party!
It's a party for kid rock!
Kid rock?
Tumblin' tumbleweeds!
I love kid rock!
I can't believe
I'm gonna meet him!
Do you think he'll be with
Pam Anderson?
I really wanna meet her.
You know, a lot of people
say I look like her!
Oh, no, my belly
ring's vibrating!
I mean, I have to go.
My aunt is sick in the hospital.
Chief Stroganoff, what is it?
We've got a problem.
Time to utilize my
computer train-ing.
This job sucks.
Nothing exciting ever
happens here train!!
Hello, this is your friendly
neighborhood cyber-villain,
queen clitoris!
I hope you're
enjoying all this chaos,
because I'm just
getting started.
That is,
unless you meet my demands.
I want $1 million
in unmarked bills,
and I want another
million in marked bills.
Also, I would like some
yogurt, bug repellent,
a VCR, oh,
the new Mariah Carey CD,
some candles and a gift basket
from bed and bobble works,
and, oh, yes,
I would like all
these to be delivered to me
by the world's most passionate
Latin lover, Armando!
She's insane!
But she's got
great taste in men.
I'm Margo Van Winkle.
Coming up at
the top of the hour,
a dog that thinks it's a cat.
But, first, the entire world
is being held hostage
by cyber-villain queen clitoris.
She's demanded
that the world's
greatest lover, Armando,
deliver $2 million,
and some random assorted crap.
Until then,
all the world's computers
have been rendered useless.
Skip withers has more
on the story, skip?
So, I don't know whether
they're genital warts or
Skip!
We're on, thank you, Margo.
Armando's about to board
the plane,
let's hear what he has to say.
Armando must go to
queen clitoris.
If need be, I will make
mad, passionate love to her.
I will ravage her body
like a wild boar.
For I am
the world's greatest lover.
That is my gift, that
is my curse.
Well, there you have it.
It looks like the world will
once again be safe,
thanks to
brave Latin hunk, Armando.
We can't thank him enough,
and I mean this in a purely
heterosexual way,
when I say that tonight,
even I feel like making hot
sweaty man-love to Armando.
Has kid rock gotten here yet?
What time is he
supposed to be here?
Is the party still on?
Where's kid rock?
Relax!
I'm sure he'll be here soon!
Oh, I can't wait to meet him!
I hope Pam Anderson is with him.
I really wanna meet Pam.
Oh, man, oh, I gotta go!
My uncle is in the hospital.
I thought you said
your aunt's in the hospital.
She is uh, visiting my uncle.
Now, oh, don't let kid rock
leave before I get back!
Excuse me, this is
the "tender loins", right?
I'm supposed to be throwing
a party here?
Oh, hello, welcome!
You must be the proud parents.
Let me just go over a few rules.
This area here, off limits.
No running, no gum
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
rules, great, whatever.
Let's get this party started!
Take what you want,
just don't hurt me!
And, for the record,
your tips are appreciated, ohh.
Chief Stroganoff,
agent 69, reporting for duty.
Stripperella, would you like
something to drink?
This stuff is great.
Uh, sir, that's not really
a beverage, per se.
It's a laxative.
Right thank god
I'm wearing a diaper.
Let's get down to business.
Stripperella, I want you to go
after queen clitoris.
Special agent 14 is
on the computer right now,
trying to track her down.
Hi, Stripperella!
I'm having a hard
time finding clitoris.
She's very elusive.
You know, some men think that
clitoris doesn't even exist.
Well, what do we know about her?
We know that clitoris is
extremely sensitive.
That's why it's crucial
that clitoris is
not rubbed the wrong way.
And we know that she's
up to no good.
That's why we've
planted a wire on Armando.
We've replaced his left testicle
with a microphone.
Isn't that a little severe?
Couldn't you have just
replaced one of his buttons,
or a cuff link, perhaps?
But we replaced his testicle.
Let's listen in.
I'm so glad we're
together, my love.
Oh, yes, my dear.
You are so
Beautiful?
Make love to me!
Make love to me!
Help me!
Now that we're together,
we don't need anyone else!
We could live on this
island forever!
Forever?
See, now, Armando has too much
love for just one woman.
But not if there was only one
woman left in the whole world.
Excuse me?
Well, now that I have you here,
I'm planning on blowing up
the rest of the world!
I've hacked into all
the government's computers,
and I control every nuclear
weapon in existence!
All I have to do
is push this button,
while holding down alt and F3
at the same time,
then, I just
left click on the mouse
Wait, don't click it!
I'm not gonna click it yet.
I'm waiting
until tomorrow night,
after the season
finale of sex and the city.
I have to see what happens,
I just love that show!
Did you see the episode
where the slutty one
showed her boobies?
Shut up and romance me!
Oh, no!
It sounds like she found
the testicular microphone!
Oh, I hope Armando is okay.
I'm more concerned
about the fate of the world.
We've got to do something!
I did it, I did it!
You identified her whereabouts?
You've pinpointed her location?
That's right, I fingered
clitoris!
She lives on a
bushy island down under.
We'll make arrangements
for you to leave
right away, Stripperella.
One thing you should know
about her island,
it's also inhabited
with giant crabs.
Oh, ew, god, I hate crabs!
As long as
queen clitoris is free,
we're all in great danger.
I'm in great danger.
You're in great danger.
People named Steve are
in great danger.
You know that little
handicapped man
who sells oranges
by the freeway off-ramp?
He's in great danger.
Jockeys, magicians
I get it, I get it.
They're in danger,
everyone's in danger.
What an idiot.
Ow!
Ow!
Quit it!
You quit it!
Quit it!
Oh, hi, Stripperella.
Hey, Stripperella.
Hal, Bernard, what do
you have for me today?
Perfume?
Oh, not just any perfume,
it's a freezing agent.
Anything you spray
it on will freeze instantly.
Plus, it smells great.
We like to call it "brr-fume"!
He likes to call it that,
I think puns are stupid.
Shut up!
You shut up!
Uh, guys, what else do you have?
These are nipple cutters.
They can cut through anything!
Glass, metal, plastic.
The nipple cutters also come
with this nipple sharpener,
and this instructional video.
They fit right over the nipples.
Here, let me
help you put them on.
That's not fair!
I get to put them on her!
You got to do Armando's
testicle microphone.
I didn't even wanna do that.
Fellas, I'll put these
on myself, okay?
Uh, all right.
Sure, whatever.
Hey, yo, kid rock!
I can't believe you're here.
Remember me?
Of course I remember you.
El Paso, 1998,
you were in row 6, seat 3.
You flashed me, then I met you
backstage.
We went out to
that great donut shop.
You bet me I couldn't eat 27
apple fritters, but I did.
I'll never forget that night.
Yeah!
I think you might be
the father of my child.
Hmm I don't
remember you.
Okay, this is not good,
I don't have much time.
Oh!
That's one of those giant crabs!
Ew, ooh, I hate crabs!
Oh!
I hate crabs!
And now, I have even less time
than when I said I don't have
much time.
Sorry to bother you
in the middle of your mission,
Stripperella,
but there's one minor
detail I forgot to tell you.
What is it, chief?
Well, rather than risk queen
clitoris blowing up the world,
we decided to go ahead and just
blow up her island first.
Anyway, instead of
having, say, 30 more minutes,
you have only 8 minutes to
rescue Armando,
capture queen clitoris,
and get off the island safely.
Oh, gotta run,
sex and the city is starting.
Well, good luck, Stripperella.
Armando, hurry up!
Sex and the city's starting,
and don't forget,
when it's over,
I'm gonna blow up the world!
How can I forget?
Honey, why do you want to
blow up the world?
My entire life, I've been
neglected and unfulfilled.
Until I've had my revenge,
I will not be UN-unfulfilled!
Or something like that.
Now, shh, the show's starting.
I gotta get in there
My nipple cutters!
The reason I love this show
is that I can see
a little of myself
in each of the characters!
I can see a little of myself
in each of
these characters, too,
if you know what I mean
Huh, huh?
I'm gonna lick you
once and for all, clitoris!
Who are you?
I'm Stripperella,
superhero-slash-secret agent.
Sorry, I've never heard of you.
Look, don't start with me!
I just beat the heck out
of two giant crabs,
and I'm feeling pretty confident
that I can beat the heck
outta you, too.
You'll beat
the hell out of no one!
I said, "heck".
Either way, you're not doing it!
Ladies, please,
don't fight over me.
There is enough Armando
for both of you!
Hee-ya!
All I have to do is hit
a few buttons,
and it's the end of
the world as you know it!
Stupid mouse!
Come on, come to mama, ugh!
Oh, I can't drive a stick!
That's not a stick.
Come, baby, yes, come here
Stripperella, you saved my life.
To have been rescued
by such an exquisite woman
is an honor.
How can I repay you?
Oh, I'm sure we can
think of something.
We might be stuck in
this boat for a little while.
Whatever shall we do
to pass the time?
Stripperella, Armando
I rescued you!
Congratulations, you are saved!
Oh, good timing,
special agent 14.
No, it's not, that was
awful timing.
I know, I was being facetious.
I can't believe I missed
the party!
I'll never get to meet
kid rock and Pam Anderson!
It's not like they're just
gonna come walking back in
through that door.
Has anyone seen a monkey?
I think I left
my monkey in here.
You're kid rock
and Pam Anderson!
Oh, god, I wanted to
meet you so bad!
I thought I was gonna meet you,
but then I had to
miss the party,
so I didn't get to meet you,
but now I can't believe
I'm meeting you!
Wow, we can't
believe we're meeting you!
Erotica
Will you sign my CD?
You know, Pam,
a lot of people
tell me I look like you.
Hmm, I don't really see
a resemblance.
Me neither.
You know who I think
Pam looks like?
Stripperella.
Don't you think she looks
like stripperella?
If they ever make a
stripperella TV show,
they should totally get
Pam to play her.
Help!
Someone get this monkey
off my face!
Ah, there's the little fella.
Come here, Mr. Bojangles.
You know,
we only have this monkey
because we rescued it from
a college laboratory.
We're gonna return it
to the wild, because
All animals are meant
to roam free,
in their natural habitats.
It was very nice to meet you.
We'll see you
again next time, bye-bye.
Come back anytime!
No, no, don't come back!
No more private parties!
And especially,
no more filthy monkeys!
They're germ carrying,
disease ridden, and
Help, someone get
this monkey off my face!
Oh, monkeys are so cute.
Lovely day for a computer crash.
If it can be controlled
by a computer,
it can be controlled
by me, queen clitoris!
Ooh, baby, look at her!
Whoa!
That was great, Erotica!
One time, back in my hometown
of Cameltoe, Missouri,
I was trying to dance
inside a giant glass of scotch,
but it was on the rocks, and
I slipped and hit my head!
Listen up, everybody,
I've got an announcement.
I just thought I'd tell you,
we're closing tomorrow,
for a private party.
It's a kids' party,
so you guys might wanna work
out some dance routines
that are a little
more family friendly.
Hey, it's not a kids' party!
It's a party for kid rock!
Kid rock?
Tumblin' tumbleweeds!
I love kid rock!
I can't believe
I'm gonna meet him!
Do you think he'll be with
Pam Anderson?
I really wanna meet her.
You know, a lot of people
say I look like her!
Oh, no, my belly
ring's vibrating!
I mean, I have to go.
My aunt is sick in the hospital.
Chief Stroganoff, what is it?
We've got a problem.
Time to utilize my
computer train-ing.
This job sucks.
Nothing exciting ever
happens here train!!
Hello, this is your friendly
neighborhood cyber-villain,
queen clitoris!
I hope you're
enjoying all this chaos,
because I'm just
getting started.
That is,
unless you meet my demands.
I want $1 million
in unmarked bills,
and I want another
million in marked bills.
Also, I would like some
yogurt, bug repellent,
a VCR, oh,
the new Mariah Carey CD,
some candles and a gift basket
from bed and bobble works,
and, oh, yes,
I would like all
these to be delivered to me
by the world's most passionate
Latin lover, Armando!
She's insane!
But she's got
great taste in men.
I'm Margo Van Winkle.
Coming up at
the top of the hour,
a dog that thinks it's a cat.
But, first, the entire world
is being held hostage
by cyber-villain queen clitoris.
She's demanded
that the world's
greatest lover, Armando,
deliver $2 million,
and some random assorted crap.
Until then,
all the world's computers
have been rendered useless.
Skip withers has more
on the story, skip?
So, I don't know whether
they're genital warts or
Skip!
We're on, thank you, Margo.
Armando's about to board
the plane,
let's hear what he has to say.
Armando must go to
queen clitoris.
If need be, I will make
mad, passionate love to her.
I will ravage her body
like a wild boar.
For I am
the world's greatest lover.
That is my gift, that
is my curse.
Well, there you have it.
It looks like the world will
once again be safe,
thanks to
brave Latin hunk, Armando.
We can't thank him enough,
and I mean this in a purely
heterosexual way,
when I say that tonight,
even I feel like making hot
sweaty man-love to Armando.
Has kid rock gotten here yet?
What time is he
supposed to be here?
Is the party still on?
Where's kid rock?
Relax!
I'm sure he'll be here soon!
Oh, I can't wait to meet him!
I hope Pam Anderson is with him.
I really wanna meet Pam.
Oh, man, oh, I gotta go!
My uncle is in the hospital.
I thought you said
your aunt's in the hospital.
She is uh, visiting my uncle.
Now, oh, don't let kid rock
leave before I get back!
Excuse me, this is
the "tender loins", right?
I'm supposed to be throwing
a party here?
Oh, hello, welcome!
You must be the proud parents.
Let me just go over a few rules.
This area here, off limits.
No running, no gum
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
rules, great, whatever.
Let's get this party started!
Take what you want,
just don't hurt me!
And, for the record,
your tips are appreciated, ohh.
Chief Stroganoff,
agent 69, reporting for duty.
Stripperella, would you like
something to drink?
This stuff is great.
Uh, sir, that's not really
a beverage, per se.
It's a laxative.
Right thank god
I'm wearing a diaper.
Let's get down to business.
Stripperella, I want you to go
after queen clitoris.
Special agent 14 is
on the computer right now,
trying to track her down.
Hi, Stripperella!
I'm having a hard
time finding clitoris.
She's very elusive.
You know, some men think that
clitoris doesn't even exist.
Well, what do we know about her?
We know that clitoris is
extremely sensitive.
That's why it's crucial
that clitoris is
not rubbed the wrong way.
And we know that she's
up to no good.
That's why we've
planted a wire on Armando.
We've replaced his left testicle
with a microphone.
Isn't that a little severe?
Couldn't you have just
replaced one of his buttons,
or a cuff link, perhaps?
But we replaced his testicle.
Let's listen in.
I'm so glad we're
together, my love.
Oh, yes, my dear.
You are so
Beautiful?
Make love to me!
Make love to me!
Help me!
Now that we're together,
we don't need anyone else!
We could live on this
island forever!
Forever?
See, now, Armando has too much
love for just one woman.
But not if there was only one
woman left in the whole world.
Excuse me?
Well, now that I have you here,
I'm planning on blowing up
the rest of the world!
I've hacked into all
the government's computers,
and I control every nuclear
weapon in existence!
All I have to do
is push this button,
while holding down alt and F3
at the same time,
then, I just
left click on the mouse
Wait, don't click it!
I'm not gonna click it yet.
I'm waiting
until tomorrow night,
after the season
finale of sex and the city.
I have to see what happens,
I just love that show!
Did you see the episode
where the slutty one
showed her boobies?
Shut up and romance me!
Oh, no!
It sounds like she found
the testicular microphone!
Oh, I hope Armando is okay.
I'm more concerned
about the fate of the world.
We've got to do something!
I did it, I did it!
You identified her whereabouts?
You've pinpointed her location?
That's right, I fingered
clitoris!
She lives on a
bushy island down under.
We'll make arrangements
for you to leave
right away, Stripperella.
One thing you should know
about her island,
it's also inhabited
with giant crabs.
Oh, ew, god, I hate crabs!
As long as
queen clitoris is free,
we're all in great danger.
I'm in great danger.
You're in great danger.
People named Steve are
in great danger.
You know that little
handicapped man
who sells oranges
by the freeway off-ramp?
He's in great danger.
Jockeys, magicians
I get it, I get it.
They're in danger,
everyone's in danger.
What an idiot.
Ow!
Ow!
Quit it!
You quit it!
Quit it!
Oh, hi, Stripperella.
Hey, Stripperella.
Hal, Bernard, what do
you have for me today?
Perfume?
Oh, not just any perfume,
it's a freezing agent.
Anything you spray
it on will freeze instantly.
Plus, it smells great.
We like to call it "brr-fume"!
He likes to call it that,
I think puns are stupid.
Shut up!
You shut up!
Uh, guys, what else do you have?
These are nipple cutters.
They can cut through anything!
Glass, metal, plastic.
The nipple cutters also come
with this nipple sharpener,
and this instructional video.
They fit right over the nipples.
Here, let me
help you put them on.
That's not fair!
I get to put them on her!
You got to do Armando's
testicle microphone.
I didn't even wanna do that.
Fellas, I'll put these
on myself, okay?
Uh, all right.
Sure, whatever.
Hey, yo, kid rock!
I can't believe you're here.
Remember me?
Of course I remember you.
El Paso, 1998,
you were in row 6, seat 3.
You flashed me, then I met you
backstage.
We went out to
that great donut shop.
You bet me I couldn't eat 27
apple fritters, but I did.
I'll never forget that night.
Yeah!
I think you might be
the father of my child.
Hmm I don't
remember you.
Okay, this is not good,
I don't have much time.
Oh!
That's one of those giant crabs!
Ew, ooh, I hate crabs!
Oh!
I hate crabs!
And now, I have even less time
than when I said I don't have
much time.
Sorry to bother you
in the middle of your mission,
Stripperella,
but there's one minor
detail I forgot to tell you.
What is it, chief?
Well, rather than risk queen
clitoris blowing up the world,
we decided to go ahead and just
blow up her island first.
Anyway, instead of
having, say, 30 more minutes,
you have only 8 minutes to
rescue Armando,
capture queen clitoris,
and get off the island safely.
Oh, gotta run,
sex and the city is starting.
Well, good luck, Stripperella.
Armando, hurry up!
Sex and the city's starting,
and don't forget,
when it's over,
I'm gonna blow up the world!
How can I forget?
Honey, why do you want to
blow up the world?
My entire life, I've been
neglected and unfulfilled.
Until I've had my revenge,
I will not be UN-unfulfilled!
Or something like that.
Now, shh, the show's starting.
I gotta get in there
My nipple cutters!
The reason I love this show
is that I can see
a little of myself
in each of the characters!
I can see a little of myself
in each of
these characters, too,
if you know what I mean
Huh, huh?
I'm gonna lick you
once and for all, clitoris!
Who are you?
I'm Stripperella,
superhero-slash-secret agent.
Sorry, I've never heard of you.
Look, don't start with me!
I just beat the heck out
of two giant crabs,
and I'm feeling pretty confident
that I can beat the heck
outta you, too.
You'll beat
the hell out of no one!
I said, "heck".
Either way, you're not doing it!
Ladies, please,
don't fight over me.
There is enough Armando
for both of you!
Hee-ya!
All I have to do is hit
a few buttons,
and it's the end of
the world as you know it!
Stupid mouse!
Come on, come to mama, ugh!
Oh, I can't drive a stick!
That's not a stick.
Come, baby, yes, come here
Stripperella, you saved my life.
To have been rescued
by such an exquisite woman
is an honor.
How can I repay you?
Oh, I'm sure we can
think of something.
We might be stuck in
this boat for a little while.
Whatever shall we do
to pass the time?
Stripperella, Armando
I rescued you!
Congratulations, you are saved!
Oh, good timing,
special agent 14.
No, it's not, that was
awful timing.
I know, I was being facetious.
I can't believe I missed
the party!
I'll never get to meet
kid rock and Pam Anderson!
It's not like they're just
gonna come walking back in
through that door.
Has anyone seen a monkey?
I think I left
my monkey in here.
You're kid rock
and Pam Anderson!
Oh, god, I wanted to
meet you so bad!
I thought I was gonna meet you,
but then I had to
miss the party,
so I didn't get to meet you,
but now I can't believe
I'm meeting you!
Wow, we can't
believe we're meeting you!
Erotica
Will you sign my CD?
You know, Pam,
a lot of people
tell me I look like you.
Hmm, I don't really see
a resemblance.
Me neither.
You know who I think
Pam looks like?
Stripperella.
Don't you think she looks
like stripperella?
If they ever make a
stripperella TV show,
they should totally get
Pam to play her.
Help!
Someone get this monkey
off my face!
Ah, there's the little fella.
Come here, Mr. Bojangles.
You know,
we only have this monkey
because we rescued it from
a college laboratory.
We're gonna return it
to the wild, because
All animals are meant
to roam free,
in their natural habitats.
It was very nice to meet you.
We'll see you
again next time, bye-bye.
Come back anytime!
No, no, don't come back!
No more private parties!
And especially,
no more filthy monkeys!
They're germ carrying,
disease ridden, and
Help, someone get
this monkey off my face!
Oh, monkeys are so cute.