Sunnyside (2015) s01e06 Episode Script

1 Man, this is a cool park.
Yeah, it's like a cool park, or whatever.
It's like a park, but cool.
Yeah, I don't even care, but it's like, a cool park.
Okay, nice.
Woah, that outfit just gave me pink eye.
- Oh, hey, open house today! - We're busy.
The house smells like cookies! Come on! That is not cool.
Super not cool.
She looks familiar.
She should.
She's famous.
And lame.
She's lame-ous.
Clint: 'Buy it.
Sell it.
Bernadette it.
' Ugh, that phrase is now inside me, like a brain tapeworm.
We need to do something or like move to a different park.
I'm gonna do something.
I'm gonna ask her to leave.
She can't be here with her slogans and smiling or whatever.
Hey, while you're out can you get me one of those Spinning wheels? Yeah.
Yeah.
Wow.
That was whatever.
Hello, Stella.
May I join you? Sorry, I'm waiting for a date.
How do you know my name? Tahdah! I'm your date.
God you're not an actor, are you? 'Cause I've dated actors, and you sound like an actor.
No.
No.
(laughing) I'm the Dark Lord of the Underworld.
So, what do you do? I'm a succubus.
Mhmmm.
Succubus.
Very cool! Very cool, mhmmm! Fascinating.
You must be excited to umm I do not know what a succubus is.
A succubus.
I steal men's essence by sleeping with them, leaving them hollowed husks of their former selves.
Okay, Succubus.
Got it, cool, very cool.
You work as a barrista? Yeah, for now, for now.
Just, you know, biding my time until I unleash my rain of hellfire.
Right So what kind of hellfire have you been raining these days? Oh man, what kind of hellfire have I not been raining, right? I think that's the real question.
It's just been hellfire, hellfire - So none, no hellfire? - Well, you know, not a ton.
I've been pretty busy with the old beach volleyball league.
I'm the treasurer, and I do some of the laundry.
You know what, this is not going super well, and I know that I don't die but life is too short.
It's been very nice meeting you Shayman.
Can I get a coffee? And this table needs a wipe.
It's your section, Shaytan.
You bus it.
(sigh) (dog barking) There she is, Baxter.
The little bitch who ruined your life.
Hey Viola.
You guys heading to the dog park? Well, funny you should ask, Peter.
No, no, we're not heading to the dog park.
Why's that funny? Because Baxter the second here, contracted genital herpes and we don't want to start an outbreak.
Isn't that funny? Ha ha ha ha.
I prefer knock-knock jokes.
Well I thought you'd think it was hilarious, since it was your dog that gave it to him! Daiquiri? Little Daiquiri.
The friendliest dog in the park.
Never sniffed a butt that she didn't like.
Are you slut shaming my dog? Daquiri, the Dog Navy's in port.
Why don't you go show them your hind quarters.
There's no such thing as a Dog Navy, okay? And you, madame, are a misogynist.
Oh! (dogs growling) Baxter the second, no! Daiquiri, no! - Haven't you learned your lesson? Oh! - No! They're really going at it Oh! - Oh! - Agh! It's too late! I guess it doesn't matter.
They both have it anyways.
Ah! You admit it! Okay fine, yes.
I guess I was in denial.
But my dog has herpes.
Well I'm sorry.
It's a terrible affliction.
I should know, because I myself, have it.
So do I.
What? - - What?! - Oh my god.
- Oh my god.
- - (overlapping murmurs) The Red Nose restaurant on main please.
Oh, hello, my friend! It is you! When was the last time we saw one another? I dunno, I take a lot of cabs, so It has been many weeks.
I was getting worried.
I was on vacation, so I thought, "What happened to my friend Keith?" How do you know my name? - I drive you all the time! - Oh.
It is on your credit card! My wife will be so happy you are okay Hmm, right.
So Big plans tonight? Not really.
Just having a few friends over.
When should we be there? You don't really want to come to my party.
(chuckles) Why would I not want to come to your party? Well you know it's just me and a bunch of close friends I've known for a while, so - I see.
- Yeah.
I am not close.
Excuse me.
- (speaking foreign language) - Ah, Fatima.
Yes.
- (foreign language speaking continues) - Yes, no.
- I have found him.
- You have found him, is he dead? - No, he is not dead.
- Oh, wonderful.
Oh, ho ho! - Only to me.
- What? (ended the call) That was my wife.
Listen, ummm Keith.
Keith? Hey, that's my name! You don't look like a Keith.
I changed it in tribute to you.
I also changed my son's name.
To Keith? To Hope Because I never gave up Hope.
Oh, listen, Keith, you know Why don't you, your wife and Hope Why don't you all come over, and we can get to know each other, huh? Really? Really.
We're all friends here, right? Yes, yes! We will be there! Great.
Friend! That will be fifteen dollars.
No friend discount? Pay and get out of my cab.
Okay.
Agnes Farrari, city councillor.
Agnes Farrari, city councillor.
Did you know that "the man" wants to build a Super Jail which is gonna destroy all of Sunnyside? Sign my petition.
Sure.
Most of my crowd is against the Super Jail.
That's a consensus! Even the clowns are with me! I meant Vegans.
Ever since clowns moved into Sunnyside we've been treated as second class citizens.
In Etobicoke, where people are more sophisticated, clowns are appreciated.
I didn't mean to Screw your petition! At least the Super Jail isn't racist.
Oh no, that's not a consensus! This is! Agnes Farrari, city councillor.
We must save Sunnyside.
(gets surprised) Sandwich puppies? Welcome to Sandwich Puppies.
Can I take your order? Where are the puppies? What? Where are the puppies?! Yo bro, there's no puppies here.
Then why is this place called Sandwich puppies!? What? This place should be called Sandwich No Puppies! Because there are no puppies! Bro, there's no puppies here.
I know your type.
Yo, I I'm sorry but You like getting people all excited about one thing, then snatching it away from them! Saying things like "Ah, we're going to Disneyland," but it's actually your Grandma's house and you have to share a bed with her 'cause Dad moved back in! You make me sick! (yells) That hurt.
There aren't any puppies in here! Crap! This is like 'The Spaghetti Man' all over again.
Yeah! He was just a regular man! John John I just cleaned in there.
Would you mind sitting down to pee? There's a sweetie! (urinating) Oh, you can sit here.
What? Well, wouldn't you rather sit down? You look like you want to sit down.
Would you mind sitting down to pee? You look like you wanna sit down.
Wouldn't you rather sit down? There's a sweetie.
Officer Donna: You never learn, Spike.
Next time, don't sit to pee! Like our 'squat car'? Get it? Because you squat.
- (laughing) - There's a sweetie.
You okay, Honey? I stand for two things my rights and to pee, ya freak! - (laughs) - There's a sweetie.
- To pee, freak.
- Would you mind sitting down to pee? - There's a sweetie.
- Wouldn't you rather sit down? He's a lady, wee wee wee! He sits down to take a pee! (car honking) (tires screeching) (thump) Alicia: Well, here's Mr.
Sleepyhead! Time to get up, time to shake a leg.
Oh I forgot, you can't get up because your legs are broken.
My legs? The doctor said you'd be alright.
You just have to sit to do everything.
Everything! Like a girl! (laughing) No! Everyone on the floor! This is a robbery! Don't worry, nobody's gonna get hurt! What? Don't say that.
If nobody tries anything, then nobody gets hurt! Oh sorry.
If nobody tries anything, then nobody gets hurt.
Is that better, Calliope? You just used my name, you idiot! Anderson? This isn't going well, is it? No.
- Do you wanna just go? - Yeah.
We can probably catch that streetcar.
Ugh, barf.
Ugh, barf.
Barf, barf, barf.
What is she doing here again? I can hear her outfit from over here.
Oh, weird that she would be here.
It's not like I told her to meet me here.
Why would she be here? I'm gonna tell her that she can't be here.
I thought you just said she was barf times She is but Okay well while you're up can you get me one of those, umm Hand-crank ice cream makers? Yeah.
Yeah.
(panting) I don't understand.
What's happening? I know.
What am I doing? How am I supposed to marry up if I'm screwing down? I've never been so alive, so involved, so un-ironic.
It feels not cool.
But so cool.
This is wrong.
So very very (moans) Mmm this is really good.
This is the best steak sandwich I've ever had.
Here taste the chicken.
Mmm.
What are those spices? When you said you were taking me to a 'clown restaurant' I thought, I don't know It was gonna be like, all like hot dogs and like cotton candy, maybe like a big giant lollipop or something.
Honey, you sound like a bit of a bigot.
Oh no, I wasn't trying to be ignorant.
Okay.
Are you, uh are you enjoying your lunch? It's great.
Can I bring you anything else? Uhh, just some more water, please.
And I'd like to see the desert menu.
Of course.
Agnes Ferrari, city councillor, spear heading the fight against the Sunnyside Super Jail! Here have a button.
Buttons unite people and ideas.
Just like me.
Agnes Farrari, City Councillor.
(applause) Now hold on, Sister.
Who elected you to be all high and mighty? The citizens of Sunnyside.
Are you standing in support of me? City councillor huh? Well, I think a Mayor's a little more important than some 'councillor,' am I right? (applause) Sunnyside is a neighbourhood.
We don't have a Mayor.
Oh, really? Then why do I have this sash? (clapping) I think some people probably wanna hear what their Mayor has to say.
Am I right? (applause) I want to hear what the Mayor thinks.
Okay, alright.
A good politician publicly welcomes dissent, while working hard behind the scenes to stifle it.
Now this multinational corrections company that wants to build a Super Jail, has offered us all half value on our homes! (applause) Half the value!? You'd have to be a moron to take that deal! I've already taken that deal! Now this lady seems to be a 'your house is not half valuable' type, where as I'm a 'your house is half valuable' type! (applause) Now let me just say: this multi-national corrections company has not given me any cash or cocaine or a very nice boat.
But some of you were on that boat last night, and what a hell of a party! (cheering) No, well, listen to your City Councillor.
See how sharply dressed I am.
I took public speaking lessons! So anyway, Super Jail for Sunnyside.
Mayor Fred Out! (applause) Oh crap.
(keyboard clacking) Nobody move! This is a robbery! We are two completely different criminals from the ones you saw before, in no way related to those robbers.
Oh God.
Also, people will get hurt! See? (gunshot) (yell of pain) Now put the money in the bag! Go, go, go! Now! Question for you Yeah? Who do you think is gonna put the money in the bag? Hm? Eugene? The person that you just seriously injured? He's gonna put the money in the bag? - (yelling continues) - Ah man, it has got to be a Monday.
No.
Run for it.
Citizen down.
Possible homicide.
We need backup, ambulance and moist towelettes.
Lemon scented, dammit! I think he might be alive.
Sir! Sir, are you okay? Yeah I I think so.
Sir, did you see who did this to you? Yeah, I It all happened so fast.
I I didn't get a good look.
Dammit.
Now that was a movie.
Those singing cartoon hamsters were just adorable.
I didn't like it.
I loved it! Clint? Is that you? Stacey, hi.
Uh Is that a department store jacket? And is that a department store mannequin? What Yeah.
Stacey, you you don't understand it's I I'm being uh Ironic? Ironic? Clint.
Is this your ex-girlfriend? So bourgeois.
Sex is so obvious, right? Yeah.
For sure.
Sex is so weak! (bitter laughter) Well, then, you can stop having it.
This open house is off the market.
Wait! But I love you! Love? Gross.
Hey yesterday's news, do me a favour and don't blow back into the park.
'Cause it's legit cool without you.
What? Hey buddy, can I get you to sign this petition to destroy Sunnyside and put up a Super Jail, please? Sure.
Great, great.
Yo, you got any cocaine or? What? Nobody move, this is a robbery! What? You're supposed to be wearing the scarf.
Even better, I'm rocking it.
Here, let me help you with yours.
What? No! Just just No, leave it alone! Forget it.
This isn't working.
I give up.
You can't give up! If you don't get this money, then I have to get a job.
Please, please, don't make me get a job.
Here you go.
What's this? It's a sack full of money.
You guys are robbers, right? Are we? We sure are! We did it! We finally did it! We're like a regular Bonnie and Bonnie! (both laughing) You're under arrest.
Oh crap.
Wow.
You're still on Twitter? I don't get Twitter.
Big surprise.
You still use your phone as your phone.
Who is JudyRanch76? Oh, she's a lesbian from Denver.
She's hilarious.
She looks like a linebacker.
What a thick neck! Hmm? She sure tweets at you a lot.
Yeah, well she's got a little Twitter crush on me.
It's all very innocent.
"Your tweet say no, but your avatar says yes, oh baby, yes.
Hashtag girl on girl.
" What? She's just being funny.
Oh.
(laughing) Nothing's going to come of one stupid trip to meet up in Vegas tomorrow night.
Wait, Vegas, what do you mean? You know, just for the weekend.
And then what happens? Well, then I come right back home.
Either that or I fly to Colorado and live with Judy.
Don't make a big deal out of it.
You can't fly to Vegas to meet some giant woman.
We're married! You said it yourself, just you just don't get Twitter.
Oh (IM beep) Heh heh, Judy.
(all shouting) No clowns! No clowns! No clowns! What do we want? No clowns! When do we want it? No more clowns! Hi everybody! This is my protest.
Hey hey, ho ho.
The Super Jail, she stinks! Oh you got your finger way off the pulse lady! Turns out real people hate clowns.
Taking our jobs.
Terrorizing our kids with their buckets of confetti! This is not the issue that's gonna launch me into Federal politics.
Figures you'd be here, Agnes Farrari.
Oh! You recognized my name! My campaign penetrated you! (weird laugh) Get outta here, Clowny! - What are you and your friends? - Yeah!!! Go back to Belgium where you belong! - (angry cheers) - No! Listen everyone! It's wrong to hate people just because they are clowns.
Look at this woman.
She's a wife.
She's a mother.
She loves her children just as much as you love yours.
Look at this baby and tell me that he is any different from us! Thanks for the smooch toots! - Ohhh! - Crowd: Oh god! Agnes: Ugh.
Hey, is this Sunnyside? I'm here to tear it down and make way for the new Super Jail.
Oh, be my guest! There is nothing that I can do to save Sunnyside anymore! - Hey guys, our new Super Jail! - (all cheer)