Sunnyside (2019) s01e06 Episode Script
Skirt-Skirt
1 [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Are you eating all my Halloween candy? Uh, no, because it's not candy.
I mean, raisins and dental floss? Are you trying to make us look bad? You know, the kids in the building think you're lame enough already.
How do you know what the kids think of me? 'Cause I gotta play Xbox with somebody and you still won't buy me one for some reason.
What are you doing tomorrow night, by the way? You just gonna sit around and rewatch "Downton Abbey"? No, and if I was, that would make sense, because it's a very rich universe.
Oh, and what are your plans? Hanging out with your douchebag crew and calling it a "boys night" because you're too afraid - to talk to women by yourself? - Hah! Joke's on you.
This year I am completely and totally alone.
Ever since my meltdown, nobody wants to have anything to do with me, not even the "Kings of Queens".
That's what me and my dudes used to call ourselves.
That's a terrible name and also a possible copyright violation.
- We used to crush Halloween.
- Come here and look at this.
This is us dressed as "Wall Street".
There's us dressed like "The Wolf of Wall Street".
[LAUGHS.]
Ha ha.
There's us dressed like "Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps".
I feel like you guys think you look cool, but you really just look like a bunch of bar mitzvah boys.
Uh, yeah, because we were men, and now it's all over.
You know, I used to be the cool City Council guy who knew everyone and could get into all the cool spots.
You know, I was on a first-name basis with the manager - at Chris Noth's cigar bar.
- Just awful.
Look, your old friends kinda sucked anyway.
I like your new friends.
Well, actually, I really like Griselda.
The rest I'm still figuring out.
Well, they're not really my friends.
They're my students, and as their teacher, can't really play favorites, although obviously mine's Griselda, too.
Look, if you miss your old friends, just call them and text them and see if they wanna hang out.
I mean, what's the worst that could happen? Oh, okay.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey, guys, will you please hang out with me? "I don't have any plans.
"I'm just living in my sister's apartment with a bunch of raisins and no Xbox".
It is kinda sad when you lay it all out like that.
I like it.
- [CELL PHONE TRILLING.]
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
Hey, Brayden.
It's Garrett.
Hey, can you ask your mom if I can come over and play? Well, finish your homework, then! [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
[FUNKY HORN MUSIC.]
I can't wait to serve on a jury one day.
Can you imagine holding someone's fate in your hands? I mean, you're basically a god.
"Lions, finish him".
What are you guys talking about? Oh, we're just talking about what we're gonna do after we get our citizenship.
Me, I can't wait to travel.
I'm gonna explore everything that the world has to offer.
Cabo, Cancún, Havasu, South Padre Island.
Daytona Beach.
Yeah, but most of those places are in the United States.
Well, my mom has Holiday Inn points, so my options are pretty limited.
But as soon as we get there, I'm gonna ditch her.
Look, guys, I wouldn't get too ahead of ourselves, okay? We're just getting started.
It's gonna take us a long time to get through that textbook, mostly because I dropped mine in a puddle and the pages are all stuck together.
- Good evening! - I want to suck your blood! Oh, no! Do not be alarmed! I'm not a servant of the night.
It's me, Hakim.
I'm so excited.
This is my first Halloween.
There's no Halloween in Ethiopia? Well, we have this tradition called Buhe.
Children go door to door, bang on some pots, and you have to give them some money.
My mom didn't want me to damage her pots so I just made sounds using my mouth.
- I received no money.
- Halloween is for kids.
I mean, you walk all over the neighborhood for a few pieces of candy? I like Christmas 'cause you get real presents and all you have to do is be a good boy for a whole year.
Well, I can't wait to do all the American Halloween traditions.
Oh, maybe we can bob for apples.
I've always dreamed of biting into an apple that six other people have put their mouth on.
Actually, I I have a better idea.
So, I mean, I wasn't planning on doing anything for Halloween this year.
My choice.
My life's not sad, but why don't we host a Halloween party - here at the bar? - Oh! Uh, can we pass out candy to trick-or-treaters? No, I'm talking about a real American adult Halloween party with drinking, sexy outfits, white people appropriating all kinds of culture.
Oh, I swear to God, if I see one more white Selena Wait, we're throwing a party? What's the theme? - Uh, Halloween? - Oh, God.
A party with no theme? It's like an orgy with no tarps; a wet, hot mess.
Okay, I guess we'll just have to come up with the theme.
Oh, as always.
Mm.
- Ready? - Mm-hmm.
[BOTH HUMMING.]
What are you guys doing? Oh, we're twins so we share a special psychic connection.
- Ask us anything.
- Okay uh, who's the greatest BOTH: Rihanna.
All right, I was gonna say thinker of the 20th century.
BOTH: Rihanna.
Let's do Halloween party themes on the count of three.
- One, two VSCO girl massacre.
- Robots in love.
That's never happened before.
Whatever, we'll just try that again.
[CHUCKLES.]
BOTH: John Travolta In "Hairspray!" When he said "Adele Dazeem" at the Oscars! - What is happening? - Something is very wrong.
We need help.
We need help! - No, no, no, no.
- Help! We don't need help.
We have this.
We have this, okay? One more time.
- One, two Hindenburg explosion.
- Rainbow sparkles.
Okay, whatever is happening, I think that we can all objectively agree that rainbow sparkles is the correct theme - for the Halloween party.
- [LAUGHS.]
I think objectively your wig's on too tight.
I am not having this discussion.
I am older by six seconds.
What I say goes.
You always do this, and technically I've lived longer because you're the one whose heart stopped during cryotherapy.
You were legally dead for two minutes.
No, no, no, I wasn't dead, okay? I saw Grandma.
She said, "Welcome to Hell".
Okay, so it's decided.
Halloween party here at the bar tomorrow night.
Everybody go home and think about your costumes.
Class is canceled.
Actually, I wanted to ask a question about taxes.
I said class is canceled, Griselda.
- Damn.
- [HISSES.]
[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
[DOOR OPENING.]
Hey, Mal.
Great news.
You stopped using my razors to shave your back? Nope, better.
I decided to throw a sick Halloween party at the bar.
This is my way of showing the world that Garrett Modi is back, baby.
And I took your advice.
I invited my old crew, so if they show up, it means they were still my boys, and if not I guess I can just go back to making friends in my Uber pools.
Well, a party does sound kind of fun.
Yeah, I don't know if you're actually gonna like it.
It's gonna be a lot of people you don't know, so Oh, my God.
Are you seriously not gonna invite me? I'm cool.
Everyone in my crossword club agrees.
All right, I'll see if I can get you on the list, but it's gonna be a very cool party, - so don't embarrass me.
- [PHONE CHIMES.]
Oh, Brayden's done with dinner, and he ate all his vegetables.
It's go time! [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Hey, Pink Lady.
That's a rocking and rolling astronaut costume.
Who are you supposed to be? Buzz Aldrin? No, I'm that astronaut woman that put on a diaper and drove 900 miles just to kidnap - her ex-boyfriend's girlfriend.
- Allegedly.
Wait, so does that mean that under your costume - you're wearing - Yep.
At first it was a prop, but then I sneezed really hard and now it's not.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
Hey, Garrett.
Who are you dressed as? I'll give you a hint.
I used to play football but now my game is finance.
- Michael Vick? - Close.
- Try again.
- Tom Brady one year from now.
No.
Brett Favre from those boner commercials? Spencer Strasmore.
Oh, come on.
The Rock from "Ballers".
Isn't The Rock bald? Yeah, but all the bald caps they had at the store were white people skin.
Look, the whole point of Halloween for dudes is to pick a costume where you look cool in a suit.
Uh, who looks cooler than Danny Zuko? The guy can sing, he's the best hand jiver at Rydell High, and at the end of the movie he drives a car into the sun.
Huh, that is how "Grease" ended.
That's why they weren't in "Grease 2", - because they died! - Excuse me.
What is this doing on my side of the bar? It's there because I wanted to stop you from embarrassing yourself.
How are the decorations coming? Terrible.
Jun Ho is refusing to give up on his ridiculous Hindenburg idea.
Rainbow sparkles isn't an idea.
It's a friggin' cupcake, honey, and nobody's buying it.
Fine.
Brady, do you like rainbows? - What? - Great.
You're on my team.
Griselda, do you think it's bad when people burn alive? - Yes.
- Great.
Welcome to team Jun Ho.
Team Mei Lin is dead to us.
Guys, can we please try to have a fun Halloween? In the immortal words of Spencer Strasmore, "Let's ball".
Does he actually say that? I don't know.
Mallory won't spring for HBO.
- [HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING.]
- [CHEERING.]
- So, can you guess my costume? - Yes.
You're a pile of trash.
I'm Taco Belle.
Get it? Wow, did you eat all those tacos by yourself? Yeah, it's been kind of a rough week, but things are looking up.
I'm supposed to be eating a guy I matched with on Tinder.
He's dressed like a Chernobyl worker.
No way.
That's very original.
I guess that show did win a lot of Emmys.
So, did your friends text you back yet? No, they didn't, but you know what? It's cool.
At least I know where I stand.
I guess the name Garrett Modi doesn't mean anything anymore.
Well, look at it this way.
At least you're alone in a cheap suit with no friends.
Hey, comrade, you Todd? You like tacos? Hey, Garrett! I have a gift for you.
I carved our faces on this pumpkin.
It's my way of saying thank you for showing me a great Halloween.
Yeesh! Yeah, I left it out in the sun too long, but I did make some soup from the insides.
It was also bad.
Whoo! Skirt-skirt! - [LAUGHING.]
- I know that skirt! - It's the Kings of Queens! - Kevin James is here? No, man.
I invited my old crew.
You have a crew? I've never seen you hang out with anyone but us.
One time I saw you eating a sandwich on a bench by yourself.
I didn't say hi because you looked very sad.
Well, I was sad because of the sandwich.
My life rules.
What up, player? [ALL SHOUTING.]
[ALL LAUGHING.]
Wait, hold on.
Spencer Strasmore? Spencer Strasmore.
ALL: Spencer Strasmore! [ALL LAUGHING.]
Danny Zuko! - Yo, who's this dork? - This is Hakim.
Uh, he's one of my, uh, students.
Hakim, these are my friends.
This is Tanner, Chase, and Tanner C.
You're a teacher now? Sweet.
Do you get a gun? Garrett is the coolest teacher.
He taught us about the two-party system through the music of Miley Cyrus.
Republicans and Democrats you can vote either way Yay political parties in the USA Those aren't the words to the song.
Yeah, it was just a goof.
We were just kinda making fun of somebody who would do that.
- Who wants shots? - [ALL CHEERING.]
Yay! Who wants to go splitsies on mine? ALL: Kings of Queens! Whoo! - Ah! - Mm, poison! So, how do you guys know Garrett? Oh, man, these guys were the first people to ever donate to my political campaign.
You know, at first I said I wasn't gonna take money from big finance but then I was like, "What am I thinking? These guys have so much money.
- Give me it".
- Dude, money rocks, right? Yeah, man, Garrett's fundraisers were off the hook.
All of New York society was there.
Carmen Electra.
Stephen Baldwin.
William Hung.
Kate plus all her eight.
Well, this guy still knows how to have a good time.
If we do a good job on our worksheets, he gives us a sticker.
Mine smelled like banana.
- [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
- Huh? So how have you guys been? Uh, yeah.
Good, man.
Look, sorry we've been AWOL.
We just knew you were going through some rough times.
Yeah, you know, we figured the best thing to do as bros was just leave you alone for four months.
- It's the least we could do.
- Um, yes.
It's the dude's code.
You remember when my wife left me for my karate instructor the day after my brother died? No, I don't remember that at all.
Exactly, 'cause I never told you.
You keep that stuff to yourself.
And no, I still haven't processed it, but I don't need to.
I'm just gonna keep punching mirrors in my bathroom 'cause I'm just a stupid yellow belt.
[POP MUSIC PLAYING.]
[WEEPING.]
More shots? [ALL CHEERING.]
[HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
Who are all these people? Get - Griselda, I want pancakes.
- Yeah, I'm kinda busy.
Okay, but when I would tell Mei Lin that I wanted pancakes, she'd make the pancake man appear, so make the pancake man appear.
It's very easy.
Just order some.
Order pancakes.
Pancake man, appear to me! Griselda, nothing's happening! Maybe it's time you learned a little independence.
Order your own food.
Maybe even cut it up yourself.
How would that even work? Fork.
Knife.
[GROANING.]
[GRUNTS.]
I feel insane.
[GROANS.]
I'm so stressed.
When I say I'm stressed, Jun Ho knows that means to sing me "Toxic" by Britney Spears.
Oh, I really don't wanna do that.
And do the dances and sing in Mandarin.
That's how Jun Ho does it.
- I I don't know Mandarin.
- That's not my problem! I feel like if I try, I'm gonna get in trouble.
Okay, what do you need right now, Brady? What is your deal? Do you need more pancakes? I'll order you more pancakes! Oh, my God! No, no, no, why do you keep ordering me pancakes? Where are these pancakes coming from? [GROANS.]
Hey, uh, it's getting late and pretty soon there won't be any trick-or-treaters out.
We still going to do that or Yeah, definitely.
Probably.
Maybe in a little while.
Oh, Hakim.
My bros just got here.
I thought they wanted nothing to do with me, but they're back.
I'm happy for you, although I'm not sure your friends like me that much.
Oh, come on, man.
They'll warm up to you, okay? I know they can seem a little intense, but they're actually really good guys.
Pretty sure Tanner is a manic depressive, - but, uh, okay.
- No, he's not.
Look, when he can get himself out of bed in the morning, he's really fun.
Why won't anybody dance with me? - See that? - Come on! The floor's open.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
I can't do it anymore.
Jun Ho is driving me crazy.
He wants me to harmonize with him on "Shallow", but he wants me to be Jackson Maine.
Obviously I'm Ally.
Obviously, and Mei Lin is out of control.
I have glitter in my butt.
They just need to talk to each other.
When you're family, you work these things out.
I still talk to my sister even though she keeps sending me Minions memes about Benghazi.
Okay, we need to get them back together and we need to get them talking, but before that, Mei Lin wants me to bring her the AllSpark from "Transformers".
That's not real, right? Whoo! This is the best night of my life! My friend, what you're experiencing right now is an up episode.
It's important to try to modulate your emotions.
All right, enough pre-gaming.
It's time to game game.
Let's get out of this dump.
Wait a second.
You guys wanna roll already? This party's just getting started.
He's right, and we still haven't bobbed for apples.
Between us, I put a peach in there as a surprise.
It's a trick and a treat.
Enough! This place got zero swag.
Remember when you got us onto Dennis Rodman's booze cruise? - [LAUGHS.]
- We partied for days.
- Where'd they let us off, again? - Oh, Pyongyang, North Korea.
Ha ha, yeah.
I had a lot of trouble connecting with the women there.
Yeah, we had a good time, but I don't know if all that stuff we did was healthy for me.
What? Cocaine is super healthy.
My doctor says my heart is, like, twice the size of a normal heart.
You can hear it without a stethoscope.
Dude, I thought Garrett Modi was back.
I mean, don't you wanna go back to the way things used to be? We could fund your campaign, you could get us unbanned from the Met Gala.
- Consider it.
- I don't know.
It's okay, Garrett.
Go ahead.
Are you sure? Man, Hakim, I know I promised you a really fun Halloween.
It's just this is the first time in a long time where I've actually felt like my old self, and if I do wanna get back into politics, those guys are my way in.
Well, I certainly can't offer you that.
Best I can do is some friendly conversation over boba.
I try not to drink it alone.
You gotta have a buddy if you start choking.
[LAUGHS.]
[POP MUSIC PLAYING.]
If you really want to go, you should go.
- Okay, thank you.
- Oh.
That was a pretty quick decision.
Kings, be right there! Hey, just keep an eye on Tanner.
He's in the middle of a psychotic episode.
Ah, that's just Tanner for you.
- Thanks, Hakim.
- I'm gonna climb a tree! Brady and I discussed it, and we agree.
You can't let some silly argument come between the two of you.
You guys are way too close to let this break you up.
I mean, you share blood.
Literally.
I've seen you share an IV bag.
We weren't sharing blood, okay? I needed to look thin for an event So I let Mei Lin hold some of my blood inside of her body temporarily.
Well, I don't need you anymore because I love Brady now, and I'm gonna hold his blood.
Brady, give me your blood.
BOTH: No, no, no, no, no! Okay, look.
Okay.
People fight.
It happens.
We never fought about anything, even when we were little kids and our dad got us a pony and we couldn't decide who got to ride it first.
Yeah, and then Dad said if we couldn't decide that he'd cut it in half.
Which we were happy about because I liked its big round back half and she liked its stupid face.
Okay.
That is horrifying, but you two were bound to get in an argument at some point, and the best way for two mature adults to solve a disagreement - is through - Dance battle.
- Winner takes all.
- All of what? I mean, I was gonna say sit and have a conversation.
No, let it happen.
I can't eat any more pancakes.
[TECHNO MUSIC.]
[CHEERING.]
Ooh I got you, I got you, I got you, I got you I got you - I'm so sorry.
- No, I'm so sorry! - I'm sorry! - No, no, I'm sorry! - I'm sorry! - I'm sorry, Mom! Oh, rainbows and sprinkles is such a good idea! - I love your body! - I never wanna fight again! They're related, right? [BOTH GASPING.]
[ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
Skirt-skirt! Gentlemen, it's time to swag up.
Ladies drink free tonight.
We gotta be on our A-game so that they decide to share with us.
[LAUGHS.]
- Ladies! - What was that? Nothing.
Sorry, I'm stupid.
Just to warn you guys, I might not be able to get us in.
Ever since the BQE thing, I kinda lost my shine.
Even Whoopi and Meghan agreed that I was a disgrace and they don't agree on anything.
Tyrus, what's up, man? How you been? [LAUGHS.]
Garrett Modi.
Long time, man.
You know what? - You know what, come on in.
- Really? - You're just gonna let us in? - Yeah.
You were always cool with me.
You know, treated me with respect, unlike other people that come in here every night.
My lips are sealed.
It's Honey Boo-Boo.
We knew you still had the hookup.
- Garrett Modi is back! - Yeah! Let's do it, man.
This is why we love hanging out with you.
You get us into all the clurbs.
Yeah, well, wait a second.
[TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING.]
Let's say I hadn't gotten us into the clurb.
Like, we'd still hang out, right? Like, I don't know, let's say we were, like, having a conversation over some boba, being each other's choking buddies.
We'd still be friends, yeah? Uh, I don't know.
Probably not.
Look, here's our deal, all right? You hook us up, okay? And then in turn we pop open the old checkbooks when you decide to run for office again, and we all get what we want.
Yeah, if I wanted to hang out with someone needy, I'd have a relationship with my kids.
Deadbeat life! Can we please go inside? I'm sobering up and I feel the darkness coming.
Come on, let's go.
You coming, dude? [HISSES.]
Psst! Hey, kid! You like candy? It's okay.
I'm a doctor! Hey! - Dude, what are you doing? - Oh, you're right.
I should have said, "It will be our little secret".
That would have made her feel safe.
I feel like this cannot be a cultural blind spot.
[GROANS.]
That's on me, though, okay? I shouldn't have bailed.
Hakim, I'm really sorry.
No, I get it.
You wanted to be with your friends.
Yeah, well, here's the thing, man.
I don't think those guys were ever really my friends.
We were just using each other.
I think I got so excited when I felt like I actually meant something again that I I didn't see that.
You do mean something.
Well, for now.
Thanks.
What are you talking about? Look, man, once you guys get your citizenship, I'm not gonna be able to offer you anything.
You're gonna abandon me just like they did.
Garrett, friendship isn't a transaction.
We don't like you because you have something to offer us.
And if I'm being perfectly honest, you barely have anything to offer us now.
You thought that Herbert Hoover was a vacuum salesman.
Okay, yeah, well, somebody told me that, and I believed them.
Sorry for being a good listener.
[LAUGHS.]
We're not just here because you have something to give us.
We like you.
We're not going anywhere.
Thanks.
And I actually think I do have something to offer you.
[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
Vroom, vroom! P-thunder coming through! Listen up, dolls and daddy-o's! Who's ready to jump and jive? Follow us for a peachy keen Halloween.
Hey, two Danny Zukos.
That sucks! Hang on one seconds.
I'm just looking up a little more 1950s slang.
Okay, got one.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
If you want to have a good time, why don't you come shimmy down my drain pipe? - No, that means sex.
- Yeah, gross.
[GROANS.]
All right, forget it.
Hey, everybody just come meet at Mallory's.
- Hakim - Sorry.
Sorry.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
Here you go, and not to worry.
There are no razor blades in these treats.
Why are you freaking out? I said there are no razor blades! [SIGHS.]
Brayden! What's up, bro? What's up? Raisins! Are you kidding me, man? Brayden, it wasn't my call.
It's all my sister.
- You know I'm cool.
- You're out of the crew.
Wait, what? Don't bother showing up for Monday's tournament.
Oh, Brayden, no! Hey! Brayden, no! Fine! Good luck with no mage, loser! [DOOR CLOSES.]
I couldn't have asked for a better ending to my very first American Halloween.
Thank you, Garrett.
Well, listen, man, I'm sorry that I almost screwed it up, but I promise next year I'll make it even better.
Oh, I already have a costume idea for us.
Haile Gebrselassie and Kenenisa Bekele.
Uh Only two of the greatest Ethiopian 10,000-meter runners in history! The girls will go wild.
Trust me on this one.
All right.
Whoa, that's a lot of cash.
I finally learned the secret to making great tips.
No bathroom break.
Wait, does that mean you're still wear - I changed it.
- Why? You're off the clock.
Don't knock it till you try it.
Attention, please.
We have finally come together as one.
It's true what they say.
There's no conflict that cannot be solved with sexy dancing.
We would like to introduce our new combined Halloween theme.
We like to call it BOTH: Glitter inferno! - [LOUD POP.]
- Oh! [GROANS.]
Now it's in my mouth! My butt and my mouth! - You're welcome.
- [GRUNTS.]
[PANTHER SNARLS.]
[LASER PINGS.]
Are you eating all my Halloween candy? Uh, no, because it's not candy.
I mean, raisins and dental floss? Are you trying to make us look bad? You know, the kids in the building think you're lame enough already.
How do you know what the kids think of me? 'Cause I gotta play Xbox with somebody and you still won't buy me one for some reason.
What are you doing tomorrow night, by the way? You just gonna sit around and rewatch "Downton Abbey"? No, and if I was, that would make sense, because it's a very rich universe.
Oh, and what are your plans? Hanging out with your douchebag crew and calling it a "boys night" because you're too afraid - to talk to women by yourself? - Hah! Joke's on you.
This year I am completely and totally alone.
Ever since my meltdown, nobody wants to have anything to do with me, not even the "Kings of Queens".
That's what me and my dudes used to call ourselves.
That's a terrible name and also a possible copyright violation.
- We used to crush Halloween.
- Come here and look at this.
This is us dressed as "Wall Street".
There's us dressed like "The Wolf of Wall Street".
[LAUGHS.]
Ha ha.
There's us dressed like "Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps".
I feel like you guys think you look cool, but you really just look like a bunch of bar mitzvah boys.
Uh, yeah, because we were men, and now it's all over.
You know, I used to be the cool City Council guy who knew everyone and could get into all the cool spots.
You know, I was on a first-name basis with the manager - at Chris Noth's cigar bar.
- Just awful.
Look, your old friends kinda sucked anyway.
I like your new friends.
Well, actually, I really like Griselda.
The rest I'm still figuring out.
Well, they're not really my friends.
They're my students, and as their teacher, can't really play favorites, although obviously mine's Griselda, too.
Look, if you miss your old friends, just call them and text them and see if they wanna hang out.
I mean, what's the worst that could happen? Oh, okay.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey, guys, will you please hang out with me? "I don't have any plans.
"I'm just living in my sister's apartment with a bunch of raisins and no Xbox".
It is kinda sad when you lay it all out like that.
I like it.
- [CELL PHONE TRILLING.]
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
Hey, Brayden.
It's Garrett.
Hey, can you ask your mom if I can come over and play? Well, finish your homework, then! [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
[FUNKY HORN MUSIC.]
I can't wait to serve on a jury one day.
Can you imagine holding someone's fate in your hands? I mean, you're basically a god.
"Lions, finish him".
What are you guys talking about? Oh, we're just talking about what we're gonna do after we get our citizenship.
Me, I can't wait to travel.
I'm gonna explore everything that the world has to offer.
Cabo, Cancún, Havasu, South Padre Island.
Daytona Beach.
Yeah, but most of those places are in the United States.
Well, my mom has Holiday Inn points, so my options are pretty limited.
But as soon as we get there, I'm gonna ditch her.
Look, guys, I wouldn't get too ahead of ourselves, okay? We're just getting started.
It's gonna take us a long time to get through that textbook, mostly because I dropped mine in a puddle and the pages are all stuck together.
- Good evening! - I want to suck your blood! Oh, no! Do not be alarmed! I'm not a servant of the night.
It's me, Hakim.
I'm so excited.
This is my first Halloween.
There's no Halloween in Ethiopia? Well, we have this tradition called Buhe.
Children go door to door, bang on some pots, and you have to give them some money.
My mom didn't want me to damage her pots so I just made sounds using my mouth.
- I received no money.
- Halloween is for kids.
I mean, you walk all over the neighborhood for a few pieces of candy? I like Christmas 'cause you get real presents and all you have to do is be a good boy for a whole year.
Well, I can't wait to do all the American Halloween traditions.
Oh, maybe we can bob for apples.
I've always dreamed of biting into an apple that six other people have put their mouth on.
Actually, I I have a better idea.
So, I mean, I wasn't planning on doing anything for Halloween this year.
My choice.
My life's not sad, but why don't we host a Halloween party - here at the bar? - Oh! Uh, can we pass out candy to trick-or-treaters? No, I'm talking about a real American adult Halloween party with drinking, sexy outfits, white people appropriating all kinds of culture.
Oh, I swear to God, if I see one more white Selena Wait, we're throwing a party? What's the theme? - Uh, Halloween? - Oh, God.
A party with no theme? It's like an orgy with no tarps; a wet, hot mess.
Okay, I guess we'll just have to come up with the theme.
Oh, as always.
Mm.
- Ready? - Mm-hmm.
[BOTH HUMMING.]
What are you guys doing? Oh, we're twins so we share a special psychic connection.
- Ask us anything.
- Okay uh, who's the greatest BOTH: Rihanna.
All right, I was gonna say thinker of the 20th century.
BOTH: Rihanna.
Let's do Halloween party themes on the count of three.
- One, two VSCO girl massacre.
- Robots in love.
That's never happened before.
Whatever, we'll just try that again.
[CHUCKLES.]
BOTH: John Travolta In "Hairspray!" When he said "Adele Dazeem" at the Oscars! - What is happening? - Something is very wrong.
We need help.
We need help! - No, no, no, no.
- Help! We don't need help.
We have this.
We have this, okay? One more time.
- One, two Hindenburg explosion.
- Rainbow sparkles.
Okay, whatever is happening, I think that we can all objectively agree that rainbow sparkles is the correct theme - for the Halloween party.
- [LAUGHS.]
I think objectively your wig's on too tight.
I am not having this discussion.
I am older by six seconds.
What I say goes.
You always do this, and technically I've lived longer because you're the one whose heart stopped during cryotherapy.
You were legally dead for two minutes.
No, no, no, I wasn't dead, okay? I saw Grandma.
She said, "Welcome to Hell".
Okay, so it's decided.
Halloween party here at the bar tomorrow night.
Everybody go home and think about your costumes.
Class is canceled.
Actually, I wanted to ask a question about taxes.
I said class is canceled, Griselda.
- Damn.
- [HISSES.]
[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
[DOOR OPENING.]
Hey, Mal.
Great news.
You stopped using my razors to shave your back? Nope, better.
I decided to throw a sick Halloween party at the bar.
This is my way of showing the world that Garrett Modi is back, baby.
And I took your advice.
I invited my old crew, so if they show up, it means they were still my boys, and if not I guess I can just go back to making friends in my Uber pools.
Well, a party does sound kind of fun.
Yeah, I don't know if you're actually gonna like it.
It's gonna be a lot of people you don't know, so Oh, my God.
Are you seriously not gonna invite me? I'm cool.
Everyone in my crossword club agrees.
All right, I'll see if I can get you on the list, but it's gonna be a very cool party, - so don't embarrass me.
- [PHONE CHIMES.]
Oh, Brayden's done with dinner, and he ate all his vegetables.
It's go time! [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Hey, Pink Lady.
That's a rocking and rolling astronaut costume.
Who are you supposed to be? Buzz Aldrin? No, I'm that astronaut woman that put on a diaper and drove 900 miles just to kidnap - her ex-boyfriend's girlfriend.
- Allegedly.
Wait, so does that mean that under your costume - you're wearing - Yep.
At first it was a prop, but then I sneezed really hard and now it's not.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
Hey, Garrett.
Who are you dressed as? I'll give you a hint.
I used to play football but now my game is finance.
- Michael Vick? - Close.
- Try again.
- Tom Brady one year from now.
No.
Brett Favre from those boner commercials? Spencer Strasmore.
Oh, come on.
The Rock from "Ballers".
Isn't The Rock bald? Yeah, but all the bald caps they had at the store were white people skin.
Look, the whole point of Halloween for dudes is to pick a costume where you look cool in a suit.
Uh, who looks cooler than Danny Zuko? The guy can sing, he's the best hand jiver at Rydell High, and at the end of the movie he drives a car into the sun.
Huh, that is how "Grease" ended.
That's why they weren't in "Grease 2", - because they died! - Excuse me.
What is this doing on my side of the bar? It's there because I wanted to stop you from embarrassing yourself.
How are the decorations coming? Terrible.
Jun Ho is refusing to give up on his ridiculous Hindenburg idea.
Rainbow sparkles isn't an idea.
It's a friggin' cupcake, honey, and nobody's buying it.
Fine.
Brady, do you like rainbows? - What? - Great.
You're on my team.
Griselda, do you think it's bad when people burn alive? - Yes.
- Great.
Welcome to team Jun Ho.
Team Mei Lin is dead to us.
Guys, can we please try to have a fun Halloween? In the immortal words of Spencer Strasmore, "Let's ball".
Does he actually say that? I don't know.
Mallory won't spring for HBO.
- [HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING.]
- [CHEERING.]
- So, can you guess my costume? - Yes.
You're a pile of trash.
I'm Taco Belle.
Get it? Wow, did you eat all those tacos by yourself? Yeah, it's been kind of a rough week, but things are looking up.
I'm supposed to be eating a guy I matched with on Tinder.
He's dressed like a Chernobyl worker.
No way.
That's very original.
I guess that show did win a lot of Emmys.
So, did your friends text you back yet? No, they didn't, but you know what? It's cool.
At least I know where I stand.
I guess the name Garrett Modi doesn't mean anything anymore.
Well, look at it this way.
At least you're alone in a cheap suit with no friends.
Hey, comrade, you Todd? You like tacos? Hey, Garrett! I have a gift for you.
I carved our faces on this pumpkin.
It's my way of saying thank you for showing me a great Halloween.
Yeesh! Yeah, I left it out in the sun too long, but I did make some soup from the insides.
It was also bad.
Whoo! Skirt-skirt! - [LAUGHING.]
- I know that skirt! - It's the Kings of Queens! - Kevin James is here? No, man.
I invited my old crew.
You have a crew? I've never seen you hang out with anyone but us.
One time I saw you eating a sandwich on a bench by yourself.
I didn't say hi because you looked very sad.
Well, I was sad because of the sandwich.
My life rules.
What up, player? [ALL SHOUTING.]
[ALL LAUGHING.]
Wait, hold on.
Spencer Strasmore? Spencer Strasmore.
ALL: Spencer Strasmore! [ALL LAUGHING.]
Danny Zuko! - Yo, who's this dork? - This is Hakim.
Uh, he's one of my, uh, students.
Hakim, these are my friends.
This is Tanner, Chase, and Tanner C.
You're a teacher now? Sweet.
Do you get a gun? Garrett is the coolest teacher.
He taught us about the two-party system through the music of Miley Cyrus.
Republicans and Democrats you can vote either way Yay political parties in the USA Those aren't the words to the song.
Yeah, it was just a goof.
We were just kinda making fun of somebody who would do that.
- Who wants shots? - [ALL CHEERING.]
Yay! Who wants to go splitsies on mine? ALL: Kings of Queens! Whoo! - Ah! - Mm, poison! So, how do you guys know Garrett? Oh, man, these guys were the first people to ever donate to my political campaign.
You know, at first I said I wasn't gonna take money from big finance but then I was like, "What am I thinking? These guys have so much money.
- Give me it".
- Dude, money rocks, right? Yeah, man, Garrett's fundraisers were off the hook.
All of New York society was there.
Carmen Electra.
Stephen Baldwin.
William Hung.
Kate plus all her eight.
Well, this guy still knows how to have a good time.
If we do a good job on our worksheets, he gives us a sticker.
Mine smelled like banana.
- [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
- Huh? So how have you guys been? Uh, yeah.
Good, man.
Look, sorry we've been AWOL.
We just knew you were going through some rough times.
Yeah, you know, we figured the best thing to do as bros was just leave you alone for four months.
- It's the least we could do.
- Um, yes.
It's the dude's code.
You remember when my wife left me for my karate instructor the day after my brother died? No, I don't remember that at all.
Exactly, 'cause I never told you.
You keep that stuff to yourself.
And no, I still haven't processed it, but I don't need to.
I'm just gonna keep punching mirrors in my bathroom 'cause I'm just a stupid yellow belt.
[POP MUSIC PLAYING.]
[WEEPING.]
More shots? [ALL CHEERING.]
[HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
Who are all these people? Get - Griselda, I want pancakes.
- Yeah, I'm kinda busy.
Okay, but when I would tell Mei Lin that I wanted pancakes, she'd make the pancake man appear, so make the pancake man appear.
It's very easy.
Just order some.
Order pancakes.
Pancake man, appear to me! Griselda, nothing's happening! Maybe it's time you learned a little independence.
Order your own food.
Maybe even cut it up yourself.
How would that even work? Fork.
Knife.
[GROANING.]
[GRUNTS.]
I feel insane.
[GROANS.]
I'm so stressed.
When I say I'm stressed, Jun Ho knows that means to sing me "Toxic" by Britney Spears.
Oh, I really don't wanna do that.
And do the dances and sing in Mandarin.
That's how Jun Ho does it.
- I I don't know Mandarin.
- That's not my problem! I feel like if I try, I'm gonna get in trouble.
Okay, what do you need right now, Brady? What is your deal? Do you need more pancakes? I'll order you more pancakes! Oh, my God! No, no, no, why do you keep ordering me pancakes? Where are these pancakes coming from? [GROANS.]
Hey, uh, it's getting late and pretty soon there won't be any trick-or-treaters out.
We still going to do that or Yeah, definitely.
Probably.
Maybe in a little while.
Oh, Hakim.
My bros just got here.
I thought they wanted nothing to do with me, but they're back.
I'm happy for you, although I'm not sure your friends like me that much.
Oh, come on, man.
They'll warm up to you, okay? I know they can seem a little intense, but they're actually really good guys.
Pretty sure Tanner is a manic depressive, - but, uh, okay.
- No, he's not.
Look, when he can get himself out of bed in the morning, he's really fun.
Why won't anybody dance with me? - See that? - Come on! The floor's open.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
I can't do it anymore.
Jun Ho is driving me crazy.
He wants me to harmonize with him on "Shallow", but he wants me to be Jackson Maine.
Obviously I'm Ally.
Obviously, and Mei Lin is out of control.
I have glitter in my butt.
They just need to talk to each other.
When you're family, you work these things out.
I still talk to my sister even though she keeps sending me Minions memes about Benghazi.
Okay, we need to get them back together and we need to get them talking, but before that, Mei Lin wants me to bring her the AllSpark from "Transformers".
That's not real, right? Whoo! This is the best night of my life! My friend, what you're experiencing right now is an up episode.
It's important to try to modulate your emotions.
All right, enough pre-gaming.
It's time to game game.
Let's get out of this dump.
Wait a second.
You guys wanna roll already? This party's just getting started.
He's right, and we still haven't bobbed for apples.
Between us, I put a peach in there as a surprise.
It's a trick and a treat.
Enough! This place got zero swag.
Remember when you got us onto Dennis Rodman's booze cruise? - [LAUGHS.]
- We partied for days.
- Where'd they let us off, again? - Oh, Pyongyang, North Korea.
Ha ha, yeah.
I had a lot of trouble connecting with the women there.
Yeah, we had a good time, but I don't know if all that stuff we did was healthy for me.
What? Cocaine is super healthy.
My doctor says my heart is, like, twice the size of a normal heart.
You can hear it without a stethoscope.
Dude, I thought Garrett Modi was back.
I mean, don't you wanna go back to the way things used to be? We could fund your campaign, you could get us unbanned from the Met Gala.
- Consider it.
- I don't know.
It's okay, Garrett.
Go ahead.
Are you sure? Man, Hakim, I know I promised you a really fun Halloween.
It's just this is the first time in a long time where I've actually felt like my old self, and if I do wanna get back into politics, those guys are my way in.
Well, I certainly can't offer you that.
Best I can do is some friendly conversation over boba.
I try not to drink it alone.
You gotta have a buddy if you start choking.
[LAUGHS.]
[POP MUSIC PLAYING.]
If you really want to go, you should go.
- Okay, thank you.
- Oh.
That was a pretty quick decision.
Kings, be right there! Hey, just keep an eye on Tanner.
He's in the middle of a psychotic episode.
Ah, that's just Tanner for you.
- Thanks, Hakim.
- I'm gonna climb a tree! Brady and I discussed it, and we agree.
You can't let some silly argument come between the two of you.
You guys are way too close to let this break you up.
I mean, you share blood.
Literally.
I've seen you share an IV bag.
We weren't sharing blood, okay? I needed to look thin for an event So I let Mei Lin hold some of my blood inside of her body temporarily.
Well, I don't need you anymore because I love Brady now, and I'm gonna hold his blood.
Brady, give me your blood.
BOTH: No, no, no, no, no! Okay, look.
Okay.
People fight.
It happens.
We never fought about anything, even when we were little kids and our dad got us a pony and we couldn't decide who got to ride it first.
Yeah, and then Dad said if we couldn't decide that he'd cut it in half.
Which we were happy about because I liked its big round back half and she liked its stupid face.
Okay.
That is horrifying, but you two were bound to get in an argument at some point, and the best way for two mature adults to solve a disagreement - is through - Dance battle.
- Winner takes all.
- All of what? I mean, I was gonna say sit and have a conversation.
No, let it happen.
I can't eat any more pancakes.
[TECHNO MUSIC.]
[CHEERING.]
Ooh I got you, I got you, I got you, I got you I got you - I'm so sorry.
- No, I'm so sorry! - I'm sorry! - No, no, I'm sorry! - I'm sorry! - I'm sorry, Mom! Oh, rainbows and sprinkles is such a good idea! - I love your body! - I never wanna fight again! They're related, right? [BOTH GASPING.]
[ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
Skirt-skirt! Gentlemen, it's time to swag up.
Ladies drink free tonight.
We gotta be on our A-game so that they decide to share with us.
[LAUGHS.]
- Ladies! - What was that? Nothing.
Sorry, I'm stupid.
Just to warn you guys, I might not be able to get us in.
Ever since the BQE thing, I kinda lost my shine.
Even Whoopi and Meghan agreed that I was a disgrace and they don't agree on anything.
Tyrus, what's up, man? How you been? [LAUGHS.]
Garrett Modi.
Long time, man.
You know what? - You know what, come on in.
- Really? - You're just gonna let us in? - Yeah.
You were always cool with me.
You know, treated me with respect, unlike other people that come in here every night.
My lips are sealed.
It's Honey Boo-Boo.
We knew you still had the hookup.
- Garrett Modi is back! - Yeah! Let's do it, man.
This is why we love hanging out with you.
You get us into all the clurbs.
Yeah, well, wait a second.
[TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING.]
Let's say I hadn't gotten us into the clurb.
Like, we'd still hang out, right? Like, I don't know, let's say we were, like, having a conversation over some boba, being each other's choking buddies.
We'd still be friends, yeah? Uh, I don't know.
Probably not.
Look, here's our deal, all right? You hook us up, okay? And then in turn we pop open the old checkbooks when you decide to run for office again, and we all get what we want.
Yeah, if I wanted to hang out with someone needy, I'd have a relationship with my kids.
Deadbeat life! Can we please go inside? I'm sobering up and I feel the darkness coming.
Come on, let's go.
You coming, dude? [HISSES.]
Psst! Hey, kid! You like candy? It's okay.
I'm a doctor! Hey! - Dude, what are you doing? - Oh, you're right.
I should have said, "It will be our little secret".
That would have made her feel safe.
I feel like this cannot be a cultural blind spot.
[GROANS.]
That's on me, though, okay? I shouldn't have bailed.
Hakim, I'm really sorry.
No, I get it.
You wanted to be with your friends.
Yeah, well, here's the thing, man.
I don't think those guys were ever really my friends.
We were just using each other.
I think I got so excited when I felt like I actually meant something again that I I didn't see that.
You do mean something.
Well, for now.
Thanks.
What are you talking about? Look, man, once you guys get your citizenship, I'm not gonna be able to offer you anything.
You're gonna abandon me just like they did.
Garrett, friendship isn't a transaction.
We don't like you because you have something to offer us.
And if I'm being perfectly honest, you barely have anything to offer us now.
You thought that Herbert Hoover was a vacuum salesman.
Okay, yeah, well, somebody told me that, and I believed them.
Sorry for being a good listener.
[LAUGHS.]
We're not just here because you have something to give us.
We like you.
We're not going anywhere.
Thanks.
And I actually think I do have something to offer you.
[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
Vroom, vroom! P-thunder coming through! Listen up, dolls and daddy-o's! Who's ready to jump and jive? Follow us for a peachy keen Halloween.
Hey, two Danny Zukos.
That sucks! Hang on one seconds.
I'm just looking up a little more 1950s slang.
Okay, got one.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
If you want to have a good time, why don't you come shimmy down my drain pipe? - No, that means sex.
- Yeah, gross.
[GROANS.]
All right, forget it.
Hey, everybody just come meet at Mallory's.
- Hakim - Sorry.
Sorry.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
Here you go, and not to worry.
There are no razor blades in these treats.
Why are you freaking out? I said there are no razor blades! [SIGHS.]
Brayden! What's up, bro? What's up? Raisins! Are you kidding me, man? Brayden, it wasn't my call.
It's all my sister.
- You know I'm cool.
- You're out of the crew.
Wait, what? Don't bother showing up for Monday's tournament.
Oh, Brayden, no! Hey! Brayden, no! Fine! Good luck with no mage, loser! [DOOR CLOSES.]
I couldn't have asked for a better ending to my very first American Halloween.
Thank you, Garrett.
Well, listen, man, I'm sorry that I almost screwed it up, but I promise next year I'll make it even better.
Oh, I already have a costume idea for us.
Haile Gebrselassie and Kenenisa Bekele.
Uh Only two of the greatest Ethiopian 10,000-meter runners in history! The girls will go wild.
Trust me on this one.
All right.
Whoa, that's a lot of cash.
I finally learned the secret to making great tips.
No bathroom break.
Wait, does that mean you're still wear - I changed it.
- Why? You're off the clock.
Don't knock it till you try it.
Attention, please.
We have finally come together as one.
It's true what they say.
There's no conflict that cannot be solved with sexy dancing.
We would like to introduce our new combined Halloween theme.
We like to call it BOTH: Glitter inferno! - [LOUD POP.]
- Oh! [GROANS.]
Now it's in my mouth! My butt and my mouth! - You're welcome.
- [GRUNTS.]
[PANTHER SNARLS.]
[LASER PINGS.]