Superior Donuts (2017) s01e06 Episode Script

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I signed up for this new app where I bid for odd jobs.
Yesterday a guy paid me 100 bucks to do his dishes.
(Laughter) Dude, that's a lot of money.
Right ? It was kind of weird that I couldn't wear my pants while I did it.
(Laughter) But you know the saying, The customer watching you from inside the closet "is always right" (Laughter) Morning, prisoners of enterprise! Morning, Lou! Got to use the bathroom? How did you know? You have a sixth sense? No, Lou, I was tipped off by my other five.
Uh, be my guest.
ARTHUR: Hey, hey! Where do you think you're going? That bathroom is for customers only.
Fine.
Luckily, there are no cameras in the Baskin-Robbins parking lot.
Come on, Arthur, have a heart.
Lou, wait! Hold on, buddy.
Look, here's a dollar.
Buy a donut.
Now you're a customer.
Now that I have a dollar, I feel more like a beer than a donut.
You guys sell beer? No, we don't sell beer! Get out of here! (Scoffs) Man, that was cold.
What? I don't want some bum using my bathroom.
Well, first of all, that bum has a name.
It's Trashcan Lou.
(Laughter) And I've known him my entire life.
And he deserves to be treated with some respect.
Look, I'm not running a homeless shelter here.
This is a business, kid.
Well, I think it's good business to be nice to people.
(Chuckles) Oh, I'm sorry, you're serious.
You know, if you weren't always pushing people out, you'd bring a lot more people in.
Mm, preach, brotha! (Laughter) I.
.
I apologize.
It was brother in my head.
Now, look, kid, you got to be tough sometimes.
You can't say yes to everybody.
Otherwise, they'll walk all over you.
Well, Arthur, you can't say no all the time either.
You know? It's like my Grandma Cici used to tell me, You attract more flies with honey.
And something about vinegar and bees.
I don't remember.
She had this little gray beard - I was mesmerized by it.
- You know you are so naive.
I mean, it's obvious you've never been a boss.
Well, I could be a boss.
(Laughs) Oh, I'm sorry, you're serious again.
Okay.
What, you don't think I'm boss material? No, it's not that.
I mean, you're a great employee.
You're just a little too Kind? Compassionate? Caring? Yeah, yeah, all that crap.
(Laughter) Those are qualities that would make me a good boss.
You know, if you let me run the shop just one day, - I could prove it to you.
- No, no.
It's not gonna happen.
Damn.
Arthur, what is the harm in giving Franco a shot? You hired him to ease your workload, didn't you? - Yeah.
- So let him.
How long's it been since you had a day off? I don't know.
I guess, uh, when Joanie died.
- That's been three years.
- Hmm.
You cannot make your whole life about work.
That's why you're such a grouch all the time.
(Chuckles) Look, I do not need a day off.
And I'm not a grouch.
I'm pleasant.
It's everybody else that sucks.
(Laughter) (Phone chimes) Oh! Here we go.
Let's see if they accepted my bid.
Yes! Guess who's gonna get paid 200 bucks to assemble a bookshelf.
Oh.
Does anybody have bike shorts and a nipple clamp? (Laughter) ARTHUR: Hey, I said no! Now get out of here! Now get out! But, mister, we just want to set up a table and sell our cookies.
Hey, can you read the sign? It says No solicitors.
I don't know what a solicitor is.
Now, look, you're cutting into my business.
Scram! (Laughter) I guess one day off couldn't hurt.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Don't play basketball with the donuts, Franco.
Oh, what's that? You're not here, Arthur? Then I guess I can.
He shoots! (Grunts) He burns himself.
Ah.
All right, that rule makes sense now.
(Grunts) (Door opens) My first customer! What a lovely establishment.
(Groans) You sell donuts here? Man, what are you doing? You said this would be your day off.
No, no, no, I know, and it's great.
You know, I usually get up at 4:00 in the morning, - come in here and make donuts.
- Mm-hmm.
Today I got up at 4:00 in the morning, I sat around in the dark for three hours, but here I am.
But you said you'd leave me alone.
No, I will, I will.
Today I'm just a regular customer off the street.
- Hmm? - All right.
- Here.
- Thank you.
Aren't you gonna charge me? It's your shop.
We never give away free donuts.
Fine.
89 cents, sir.
- All right, all right, that's better.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, I don't have any change.
- Um, but I'm good for it, right? - Yeah, it's - What did I just say?! - God.
We never give away free donuts! (Chuckles) Oh, this is gonna be such fun.
- Arthur? - Yeah.
I thought you were taking the day off.
Shouldn't you be at home with your hand in your pants watching The Real Somethings of Somewhere? He's checking up on me because he doesn't think I'm boss material.
Arthur, you don't need to do that.
He definitely isn't.
(Laughter) Why is Trashcan Lou pacing back and forth out there? He just tried to drop a deuce at my dry cleaners.
And I don't mean spend a two dollar bill.
(Chuckles) I love English.
So many ways to say poop.
This is ridiculous.
I-I got to let him in.
No, no, no, I told you yesterday, he wasn't allowed in the shop.
Well, there's a new sheriff in town, and I don't know anything about Westerns, so that's it.
Lou, get in here, buddy.
Uh, once again I find myself short on cash.
Would you be interested in a bag of teeth? (Laughter) Nah, I'm okay, man.
- Don't worry about it, just go.
- Thanks, Franco.
- You could take a page out of his book.
- Yeah, yeah.
I'm telling you, kid, you keep up that love thy neighbor B.
S.
and it's gonna bite you in the ass.
Oh, well, I'm just getting started, Arthur.
Starting today, running this place the Franco way.
- W-With kindness and compassion.
- Ugh.
I'm letting anyone use the bathroom, I'm giving the day-old donuts to the needy.
This place is gonna be a beacon in the neighborhood.
A beacon? So now you're Batman? Listen, man, I can't run the shop the way I want to with Arthur looking over my shoulder.
Well, I could take him out for the day.
- Really? - Sure.
Maybe he'll have some fun, realize what a burden this shop is, and then sell it to someone who could flip it for a sizable profit like, uh, I don't know, me? (Chuckles) I'm just kidding, I knew it was me, I was just yeah, okay.
Yeah Arthur, why are you wasting your day here? You could do anything.
I don't know, I'm just not used to taking a day off.
I don't even know what to do with myself.
Well, I have got the perfect thing.
My cousin, he just opened a day spa.
We go, have a massage, a steam, my treat.
(Chuckles) That, that doesn't sound so bad.
Are you serious? It sounds amazing.
Dude, go.
Go have fun.
All right, all right, what the hell? Hey, do they massage your feet, huh? I love a good foot massage.
Anything you want.
That poor masseuse.
Touching Arthur's feet is what they call a sad ending.
Well, now that he's gone, I can do things my way.
And you're already making a difference.
Look at the nice thing you did for Lou.
Oh, right, Lou.
Is he still in there? Yo! Lou? Hey, Lou, you okay? Why wouldn't I be? I live here now! (Laughter) This is nice, right? Yeah, it is.
I thought we were gonna be massaged by a woman.
(Laughter) I didn't want to tell you in front of her, but that was a woman.
Now just relax, let the heat and the steam release the toxins from your body.
It's what your people would call a shvitz.
Yeah.
I don't think I can enjoy the shvitz when I see your schvantz.
(Laughter) Arthur, just think, if you were to retire, you could be in here every day.
Just relaxing, not a care in the world.
Have you thought about it? Well, I guess I'll retire somewhere down the road.
How long do you think your road is? Retire? I don't even know how to fill one day.
Arthur, baby think about it.
This could be your life every day.
Come in here, you sweat with other men, maybe go to the market, you know, uh, handle some fruit you don't intend to buy, watch the pigeons fight, and then discotheque! How does that sound? Well, I guess the fruit thing sounds okay.
Oh, good, the platza.
Pl-Platza? Take it easy on him, it's his first time.
But for me, Vlad, as always, beat me like I owe you money.
(Arthur speaking indistinctly) Harder! - Harder! - Hey, hey! Come on, Lou.
Open the door.
I just want to talk.
Nope, I fell for that one over at Starbucks.
Well, maybe this will help.
Introducing Superior Donuts' first gender neutral bathroom.
And now it is my distinct honor to be the first person to use it.
Madame.
Nope.
Ladies only! Men are animals! You know, I could probably get that door open.
FRANCO: You know what? If Lou needs to get off the streets for a little bit, he can chill here.
It's the compassionate way, the Franco way.
Speaking of which, I saved our leftover donuts from yesterday.
I figured, instead of just throwing them out, we can give them to people in need.
And I call the box Donuts for the needy, not the greedy.
(Laughter) Oh.
Hey, Randy.
You look good.
MAYA: Yeah.
Why are you so dressed up? I'm here for a coffee date.
Nice! Where'd you meet him? Mm, back of my squad car.
(Chuckles) He's a criminal? No.
He's a suspect Big difference.
Ah.
That felt nice.
You know, just one good deed can make such a big difference.
Do I smell bacon? Or am I having the awesomest stroke of all time? No, I-I smell it, too.
(Sniffing) - (Sizzling) - Lou! Lou! What's all the hubbub? What the hell, man! Are you cooking bacon? How else am I gonna make a BLT? Okay.
You know what? These things happen.
Who doesn't love a good bathroom sandwich, all right? Nothing wrong with that.
(Smoke alarm beeping) (Alarm stops) Silver lining.
I didn't shower today.
Wow, that was a lot of water.
It's okay, it's okay.
This place needed a little shower, all right? So we'll clean up, and Arthur will never have to know.
Logan, is that the man who yelled at you? No, no, that was a 75-year-old white guy.
Um that's cool.
People confuse us all the time, so But look, uh, we're under new management now, and I'd love to make it up to you, so, uh, how would you like to sell your cookies in here? - (Gasps) Really? Thanks, mister.
- Yeah.
MAN: Hey, kid.
Are any of those cookies chocolate? Well, we have chocolate chip, chocolate swirl, chocolate chunk We get it you got a lot of cookies.
Damn.
Aw, I got to make more donuts, man.
Arthur's never gonna like the Franco way if I don't sell anything.
(Gasps) Arthur! Hey.
Why aren't you at the spa, man? Did everyone refuse to touch you? (Laughs) - No, it just wasn't for me.
- Oh! I thought I'd come back here and hang out with you guys, okay? Oh, well, r-remember, you know, our deal that you'd take a day off and I would run the shop? Right, fine, fine.
I'll just grab a cup of coffee.
No, no, no, no.
I'll I'll get the coffee, you just you just sit down and, uh, play-play with this.
Oh.
Wait, wait, what-what-what am I, four years old? (Chuckling) Okay, so, here's his coffee.
You think you can get a old man out of here? Uh, it's 4:00 in the afternoon.
Maybe I'll take him to dinner.
(Imitates engine) Arthur, what the hell? Ah, I guess that, uh, that spa just wasn't for me.
Just a bunch of naked, sweaty guys in oil.
Yeah, add a can of sangria, you just described my last trip to Lake Havasu.
I don't know what to do with myself.
Guess I'm just not a day-off kind of guy.
Oh, no, this is pathetic.
You have to have some fun today.
- (Sighs) - Didn't you and Joanie used to go bowling? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, we were in a league, yeah.
We called ourselves the Rolling Pins.
(Chuckles) Lost the championship to Those Douches.
(Chuckles) - A feminine hygiene company.
- Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Uh, well, why don't the two of us go bowling? Really? That's not exactly bowling attire.
Yeah, well, I had a date, but I'll cancel.
Never would have worked, anyway.
I'm a Gemini, he's an arsonist.
(Laughter) Hey, look, thanks for helping so much, y'all.
All right, I'm gonna check on the needy/greedy table.
(Screaming) (Pins clatter, fall) Ooh-ooh! Well, congratulations.
You want a cookie? Sure, if it's vegan.
What the hell happened to this place, huh? Hipsters, fancy beer, neon balls.
Arthur, what is wrong? I thought you liked bowling.
No, it's so different, you know? When I came here with Joanie, I mean, we didn't care about bowling.
It was great we just had a couple of beers and made fun of the other bowlers.
I remember one time we were bowling next to this church group, and Joanie she was so cute She just walked up and said, Hail, Satan! We had a couple of lanes all to ourselves the rest of the night.
So is that why you haven't taken any days off? Huh? 'Cause you don't have Joanie to hang out with? You know, when I'm at the shop, it's okay.
I mean, I'm busy, I like it.
But today, with all that time off, I mean, I I really felt her - not being here.
- Mm.
Yeah, I know you miss her.
I do, too.
But you've got to be open to starting a new chapter.
Yeah.
Maybe all you need is a little jump-start.
- Jump-start? - Mm-hmm.
Hey, bearded lady (Laughter) what's in the vape pen? Tobacco.
Seriously? You're wearing a Rasta beanie, and you smell like day three of Coachella.
Hand it over.
No.
Uh-huh.
I'm a cop.
Okay.
Now, I'm gonna go get myself a cheeseburger.
You make sure this doesn't fall into the wrong hands.
Yeah, I got it.
Ooh Hey, get me a cheeseburger, too, huh? And one of everything else.
- Here you go, Tush.
- Thank you.
(Scrambling, clattering) Oh, boy, I recognize that sound.
Those raccoons must have gone up the drainpipe and into your ceiling.
Wait! I'll handle it.
Those raccoons may run the streets, but you go up into a crawlspace, that's my natural habitat.
Damn, this day's been a disaster.
I've ruined more donuts than I've sold, and I'll be lucky if we break even.
Maybe it's just one of those days where people aren't - in the mood for something sweet.
- Yeah.
98, 99 Yes! 300! (Sarcastically): Yes! 300! I'm sorry, Logan.
I'm having a bad day.
Not anymore, here comes two more customers.
Okay.
(Clears throat) Welcome to Superior Donuts.
What can I get you? Oh, we're just here to see our friend.
He's having a housewarming party.
Fred, Doris.
Let me take your coats.
Arthur, perfect.
Hey, look, man, before you say anything, you were right.
I was nice to people, and now we got a bum in the bathroom, and we got raccoons in the ceiling.
And someone stole my take-a-penny, leave-a-penny dish.
You win.
You are so freakin' cute.
Oh.
- Arthur, are you high? - No.
Well, a little.
If anyone asks, he has restless-leg glaucoma.
(Giggles) Well, Randy and I had the best day, yeah.
- Oh.
- We went to the Field Museum, saw a movie.
We had deep-dish pizza.
Wherever we went, Oprah was there.
Definitely not Oprah.
- Lots of apologies.
- ARTHUR: Oh.
Well, you know what, I'm-I'm glad someone had a good day.
Oh, hey, come on, don't be so hard on yourself, kid.
Oh, it's actually great how much you care.
You're a leave-a-penny guy in a take-a-penny world.
You do not know what you're saying, man.
- You are blazed.
- Hey, come on, kid, no, we'd be a great team together, don't you think, huh? I'm the brains, you're the heart.
Thanks so much.
There are not a lot of places that would let her do this.
- Anytime.
- Hey, my company does this big breakfast meeting every week.
Could you handle a standing order of ten dozen donuts a week? (Gasps) Hmm? Yeah, we yes.
Hell yeah, absolutely.
Thanks very much.
- Thank you.
- Well, kid, I guess there must be something to the Franco way, huh? Yeah, but every now and then, you need a little bit of the Arthur way, too.
Excuse me.
Lou! You took advantage of me, man! That stops right now! I got a cop outside.
If you don't come out in 30 seconds, she's coming in after you.
Geez, Franco, you don't have to be such a hard-ass.
What did you do to him? I will send for my things.
You see that, kid? You should give yourself some credit.
You know what you're doing.
Yeah, I guess I do.
(Laughter) TUSH: I'm okay, this pipe broke my fall.
And my hopes of ever having children.
You all saw that, right? - (Together) Uh, no, uh-uh.
- We did not.
You know, Arthur, we should get you home.
(Giggling): Man, I am so lit! Morning.
I'll have a cold towel and a hot tea.
Uh-huh.
You still feeling it, Arthur? No, I'm just a little fuzzy.
But all in all, I think I did very well last night.
Oh, really? You ordered a pizza at a CVS.
And then you proposed to a police horse.
Please tell me you got that on camera.
Oh, I would never do that.
Check your e-mail.