Switch (UK) (2012) s01e06 Episode Script

1 Oh Gracey! Are you all right? Are you safe?! Mum?! Promise you'll come home for Solstice.
I'll bring my coven.
Out of my fucking way.
Gerry's just gone.
How about we do a little truth switch on Gerry? We'll ask him if he likes you and then you know what's going on.
I'd love it if Grace and I could have, like, a fling.
Oh.
But I can't do that.
Why not? Because I fell in love with her last night.
You all right, Brighty? Does anyone know Where my Mum is? OK, I'm ready.
How are you two getting on? Do you wanna run through the checklist? Just back off with the checklist, yeah? Can someone else get that? If I have to speak to Grace's mum one more time this morning I'm gonna have a panic attack.
Hi, Gloria.
Mmm, witch's intuition.
No, I think Grace is still having sex - six! Rounds of toast! Set her up for the journey.
OK.
Will do.
Bye.
Right, we're leaving for Solstice in one hour.
If you're not at the door by ten, then you can make your own way there! Grace! They can wait ten more minutes.
She's such a tyrant! I'm gonna miss you.
It's only for one day.
Yeah, the longest day of the year.
One miserable, never-ending day filled with tears and suffering.
I thought you were going to see your mate Tom? That's what I'm on about, he's such an arsehole.
I could always cancel? Come with you.
Oh, no, don't do that.
You can't let your friend down.
What if he's all like, "Oi, Gerry, got a fucking bird, have you? You fucking big pussy! Under the thumb, mate, that's what you are.
" Tom's a Buddhist monk.
He doesn't really talk like that.
That's even worse! You can't let a Buddhist monk down! Yes, you can, that's the whole point of being mates with one.
I could strangle his nan and he'd probably still forgive me.
Erm Look, I lied.
We're not going to a festival.
The thing is, I haven't really told you about my upbringing.
My faith.
Er go on.
Don't freak out.
Say it.
I'm a witch.
Oh, thank fuck! I thought you were Catholic.
A witch? Cool, man.
I love goths.
I'm not a goth.
I'm like a proper Pagan witch.
Immense.
And I'm going home for Solstice.
Which is a very private and sacred - I have got to come.
Please! No.
No, you can't.
Solstice is very It's too soon.
I'm not proposing.
I just wanna meet your mum and dad.
Come on! It'll be a blast! 45 minutes! Look.
What's that supposed to be? It's not supposed to be anything.
It's a Solstice card for my mum.
Who's the freaky fat boy with the overbite? Me.
Oh, she'll love that, Han.
Please help me.
Gerry wants to come to Solstice.
And breathe.
What's the big deal? We're just getting to know each other.
This is way too soon for him to see me in a cloak waving a pail of water around a bonfire, and my mother is going to despise him.
Well just tell him he can't come.
I don't want to hurt his feelings.
Let's do a switch.
No.
Absolutely no way.
We've been together less than a month.
I'm not going to magic on him again.
It's exploitative, manipulative What's so funny? What's Gerry gonna think of your mum's naked Solstice dance? This is his T-shirt.
I need a switch to stop him coming and I need it pronto.
Let's move it! Now! Listen, about the Solstice thing.
No need for the 'thing', it's just 'Solstice'.
I don't call the biggest event in your calendar the 'Christmas thing'.
Call it what you like, I couldn't give a shit.
Well, yeah, I could.
Let me finish.
I shouldn't have tried to muscle in like that.
I'm not giving you any space.
I'm sorry.
I do want you to come but Maybe next year.
It's totally cool.
Come on! Oh, well this is typical.
Do you want a pair of tights, Stel? Why would I want a pair of tights? Isn't that what they do in tampon adverts? I feel terrible about Gerry.
Oh, Grace, it's one night, get over it! About the magic! You know, twice in less than a month.
What way's that to start a relationship? The best way? Who's Jack? Jack Jack.
First love Jack.
Oh, yeah.
You're still in touch with him? Not really but he wants to meet up with me at Solstice.
In the woods?! Oh, yeah! Once around the mulberry bush for old time's sake! Uh! Solstice is not about casual sex.
Says who? How much longer, Stel? My mum's probably making lunch, I don't wanna be late.
Yeah, cos she's mad on time-keeping, your mum, isn't she? Done.
Oh, come on! It's countryside, Stel, a different pace of life.
I have been to the countryside before.
Why are people paying? Right, four of you, is it? That'll be 50 quid each.
Any kids? Pets? Since when have you had to start paying to come to Solstice? Since now, love.
Now can I check your boot? What for? Only official Lower Sooth Solstice food and beverages allowed.
Which can be purchased from the refreshment area next to the corporate sponsorship field.
Corporate sponsorship? This is my home village.
I'm not gonna pay 50 quid to stay at my mum's house.
Well then, love, you're just gonna have to turn back around, aren't you? This is a joke! Come on girls, out of the car.
We're not going anywhere.
It's an infringement of our rights.
Well tell her.
Is there a problem with the plebs, Henry? Yes, miss, they won't pay.
Gosh, then I'm afraid we've got rather a sitch on our hands.
What the fuck has it got to do with you? Heaps, actually.
This is my family's land.
So if you want stay on it, I suggest you cough up.
What kind of person profits from Solstice? The kind who has 42 rooms to heat and livestock to feed.
How is your mum? We take plastic.
Although there is un petit cout d'administration.
Dig deep, gals.
I'll be totes sad-face if you're not there later.
It's going to be extra spesh this year.
Oh, what a wanker.
I presume you'll be wanting to park an' all? 75 quid to park miles away from where we're staying? That's a bloody joke.
That's a joke, surely.
Ooh! Ooh! Thank the Sacred Spirit you're all here in one piece.
I thought something dreadful had happened.
Mum, what are you wearing? Mmm? Oh, yes, isn't it fabulous? Hafwen made it for me.
One in the eye for the Piermonts.
I'm sticking it to the man, girls.
By dressing as a squirrel? The red squirrel is an ancient symbol of righteousness and honour.
It's just my own personal little protest against capitalist greed ravaging our sacred community.
Get your official Solstice merchandise here.
T-shirts, mugs, mouse pads and coasters.
The Great Spirit is watching you, you fascist bastard! So, girls, back to my house for tea and biscuits? Come on.
Bloody hell.
Your father'll be so excited to see you.
You remember Jude and Stella, don't you, Dad? And, of course, you know Hannah.
He's been absolutely livid with the Piermonts, haven't you, Herbert? Should've seen him last night.
Raging, I thought he was going to have the doors off.
Took me hours to calm him down.
Thanks for putting me up, Gloria.
Oh, it's a pleasure! There's extra beds made up if Oh, thank you, but my mum's expecting us.
Thanks.
See you later.
Hand in the kitchen? Solstice, eh? Biscuit? Mum, we're here! My darling baby girl back home.
Prodigal daughter.
When was the last time you - I can't even Last Sunday.
Griselda's granddaughter's Christening.
Well come on, let's not split hairs.
I'm just grateful, that's all.
We mothers have to take any scraps we can get.
Any news? Come on, I know that glow.
Who is he? He's nobody.
I mean, there isn't anyone.
Honestly.
Hafwen's son Geoffrey's still single.
I'm not surprised.
You haven't seen him for years.
He's had a growth spurt and his skin's much clearer.
Mum, stop it.
Well at least stay open.
Let me introduce you.
Have a nice chat over a glass of mead.
He's a very interesting chap.
He's trained to become a blacksmith, did I tell you? It's a very old tradition.
OK.
Really? Yeah, whatever.
That's fine.
I'll go and call Hafwen! Straight to voice-mail.
Her battery must have gone.
Oh, she's probably doing her nut in now.
Car's broken down, battery's died.
Yeah.
I'll tell you one good thing about Gloria, she is shit hot at baking.
We weren't always on the road, you know? I was born in that cottage.
Aww, that's cute.
Mum couldn't keep up with the rent though, so the Piermonts booted us out.
Alexa loved that one.
Yeah.
She's probably laughing on the other side of her horsy face now, isn't she? Can't even keep a coven together for five minutes.
It was nice in here when I was a kid.
Really cosy, fairy lights, patchwork blankets.
Oh, it's nice now! Just a bit unloved, that's all.
What happened to you not putting any pressure on me? I know but I thought about - Hang, on can we slow down a sec? Ain't there more pressure by making some massive thing out of it? Come here.
I just wanna see where you're from, that's all.
No biggy.
I won't show you up, I promise.
It's a big deal, for me, bringing someone home.
Especially to Solstice.
I know that.
And my mum is quite She has very specific expectations of the sort of person I should be with.
Beard, sandals, bad breath? Basically.
And what about your expectations? Yeah, I know, it's pathetic.
I am glad you're here, but can we just ease you in gradually? And what does that involve? It involves you being on your best behaviour and sucking up massively to my mother without actually admitting that we're together.
A sort of pincer movement stealth attack.
Pincer movement, OK.
And actually hiding.
Camouflage, stealth, pincer.
Brilliant.
Or we can play er I spy? Gerry's arrived, which is brilliant, obviously.
Erm He's just gonna chill out in here for a bit, if that's OK? Where's your mum, Han? No hugging! It's fine, it's all fine.
Yeah, course it is.
We're gonna have the best Solstice ever! Erm am I OK sitting here by the window or do you want me completely out of sight? Would you mind? Where's Stel? I left her with my dad.
They're getting on really well, it's so cute.
Well it's been lovely catching up with you, Mr Watkins.
I might go and help the others now.
Lots to do.
OK, great.
Well, we'll continue this where we left off later, yeah? I don't understand it, he's even wearing the T-shirt we cast with.
How could it not have worked? It's proof, isn't it? Why you should never use magic to manipulate your loved ones.
Never goes to plan.
How else are you supposed to manipulate them? Grace! Yeah? Is there a loo in here? I need a piss.
No.
Can I come out for a sec then? Let the man go to the toilet! Yeah, course you can.
They have started selling off our forest! Have you heard anything so ridiculous in all your born days? We are not gonna stand for What the hell are you doing?! Oi! Get your filthy penis away from the mighty Star Gaia! I thought it was a tree trunk.
That is a sacred worshipping point.
Hand carved over 4,000 years ago.
Who is this man?! This is Gerry.
Stella's boyfriend.
You're not a lesbian any more? No.
Nope.
Not a lesbian these days.
I think it was just a phase, a 15 year phase.
Just fancied a change.
Well, you're certainly going to get that with him.
Well Gerry, if Stella is staying with us - then you must stay with us too.
- No! Gloria, it's fine.
We don't want to be disrespectful.
Nonsense, you're not teenagers any more.
But I'm afraid you are both going to have to squeeze into a single bed.
But erm I'm sure that won't bother you, will it? Anyway, let's carry on with the preparations.
You two lovebirds, come with me, I've got just the job for you.
You girls, mmm, start preparing the day camp! Yeah? Come on.
Come on.
Why did I say they were together? Because you're terrified of your mother? I don't want them sleeping in the same bed.
Stella's a lesbian.
Yeah, but he's not! You know what I mean.
It's weird.
I think Jack might be reading a bit too much into our little rendezvous.
He keeps saying stuff about our history and how his family love me and all that bullshit.
It's sweet.
I don't want sweet.
I wanna get drunk on mead and have passionate, al fresco sex like we did when we were 18.
Make way! What the fuck? Make way for our Solstice Queen and King.
Make way! I thought they could lead our fertility ceremony.
Mmm? Ooh, Saffron, wait for me.
This cannot happen! Really? Please, I'm so excited! You could have said no to her.
I've only known your mother for half an hour, Grace, but even I realise that's quite a naive thing to say.
Anyway, this is wicked! It's so comfy.
Why does anyone bother with trousers, man? Gloria! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Girls, girls.
Form a circle please.
Now erm there may have been times in the past when I have been less than complimentary about your skills.
D-D-Don't deny it.
But watching you today, you are a coven to be proud of.
Why don't we do a small blessing? Join hands.
Spirit Great, protect our home, make it safe for us to roam.
Keep it clear of forces bad, fill it with joy, make our hearts be glad.
Good.
Petals bless this coven's home.
Oh, don't stop cuddling, girls! That's major cutesy fluff right there! What do you want Alexa? I'm collecting.
You owe daddy some dollar for chopping down his tree.
£80 please.
That was my tree from my garden.
On my daddy's land.
So cough up, scruffs.
Oh, shut it, beak-lips.
Just leave us in peace, girls.
What if we don't want to though, dumpling? Then you will be getting your daddy's land sooner than you think.
Because I will shove a big clump of it down your scrawny neck.
Straight in with the battle banter, how totes thrill-some! J'espere one's not going to break a nail.
You might have wealth and privilege but while you bimble about with your flaky-flimsy, incomplete coven, you're about as powerful as gnats.
Who says we're incomplete? Hello, peasants! Mummy joined.
We're a super-coven now.
Isn't that jokes? Sergeant-Major jokes! Look at their faces.
Totes hilar! That's against the rules.
We are the rules.
So, kittens, we'll see you later for japery, yeah? Major japery.
Ciao.
OK, can we try one where Ooh, Geoffrey, what a surprise! How marvellous! Excuse me.
Geoffrey, this is my daughter, Grace.
Gracey.
Gracey.
This is Geoffrey.
Hi, Geoffrey.
Hi.
Marvellous.
Well erm I'll just go and finish off doing the photography and er you two have a chat.
I'm sure you'll find you've got lots in common.
Do you like plums? They're all right.
I love plums.
Let's see your big symbol.
Excellent.
I grow them.
I'll give you a punnet if you like.
They've won prizes, my plums.
Cash.
And I'm not talking coppers.
Wow.
That's fantastic.
OK, got that.
Oh, no, I've got scabies.
Me too! Now, let's have a think about something.
Oh, Good pose good.
Something heroic.
Something Oh, that's beautiful.
Jack? Hi! Hi! Jack, before we do anything, I think we should - Shh.
Jude, this is my partner, Summer.
It's lovely to meet you.
I've heard so much about you.
Hi.
OK.
Yeah, listen, you know I'm not one to judge, but I'm not really into the whole menage Whoa! This is our daughter, Willow.
We wanted her naming ceremony to be on Solstice night.
And each of us chose two guide parents.
You were my choice, Jude.
I'm not really good with kids.
You should meet her properly first.
Oh.
Yeah, no.
No.
I-I'll drop her so Oh.
Oh.
Listen, I'm flattered, but I don't do kids.
That's not true.
If you don't do kids then why did you let my little sister tag along every time we went anywhere? She still talks about you, Jude.
Will you do it? Fuck it! Yeah! Shit! Sorry.
Then I realised it was because I hadn't blended the top soil properly.
And I should've used more compost, fool that I am.
Oh, that'll teach me to cut corners.
School boy error.
Honestly, it was one of the worst days of my life.
Hey.
Thought I'd skive off fertility duty, come and see you.
Oh, get off, Geoffrey! Gracey! Gracey! Why aren't you ready? It starts in half an hour.
Yeah, OK, OK.
Where are the other girls? Gloria, I don't know if I'm very happy about this.
Everyone seems to think that I'm some sort of fertility expert and they're sharing far too much.
Where the hell are the others?! Good time? Yeah, it was pretty amazing actually.
So, now.
Hannah? Oh.
Straight to voice-mail.
This is absolutely bloody typical! The ceremony starts in half an hour.
What if it is your year, your coven's turn to read the ceremonial incantation? What if it's your year to shine?! Fat chance.
We never get picked.
Yeah, like we're gonna stand a chance against Alexa.
Oh, like that, is it? Defeatist.
Well I want you all there.
In the front row.
Looking the best.
Being the best.
Because you are the best.
Are you the best, girls? - I said are you the fucking best?! - Yes.
Well come on then! I am so sorry about all of this.
Don't be, I'm having the time of my life.
Your mum's amazing and Lower Sooth fucking rocks, man! It's like my spiritual home.
You are so lucky to come from here.
Yeah, I suppose it is pretty cool.
No.
Come on, this is important.
We need to find Hannah.
Two minutes.
One minute.
That's plenty.
You are doing marvellously, Geoffrey.
Just carry on being yourself and I'm sure she'll Hannah, babe, are you in here? We've been looking all over for you Why don't I learn? I know Gloria can be a bit intense but at least she's there, like a proper mum.
Oh, your mum's proper.
Proper waste of space.
You've always got us.
Always.
You know that.
We're your family, Han.
I've got to let her go, haven't I? I don't know what to say, Grace.
Honestly, I don't.
You have let me down, you've let Geoffrey down.
What's he got to do with anything? Don't be like that.
And what about Stella? Poor, poor Stella.
Whatever happened to sisterhood?! Stella's a lesbian, Mum.
Well I'm not surprised she's gone back to it after this! She's never not been a lesbian.
Oh, that's right.
Bury your head in the sand, young lady, it doesn't change what you've done.
I haven't done anything.
I'm not in love with Stella and she's not in love with me.
Because she's a bloody lesbian! Because I love your daughter.
And I love Lower Sooth.
In fact I'd willingly move back with Grace and build our life here.
You're coming home, Gracey? Geoffrey.
Come on, girls, two minutes! That was very impressive.
Although you didn't need to add the bit about us moving here.
That's a bit over the top.
I meant it.
OK, London's cool but this place is me.
The real me, do you know what I mean? I want to live here with you, Grace.
Get a little cottage by your mum.
Have a load of kids and grow old together.
What do you think? Er Who's the silver fox? Oh, that's Lord Piermont.
Alexa's dad.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's such a pleasure to see you here this evening for our annual La Bamba Lager Solstice Celebration.
Before we begin, I'd like to thank our fabulous sponsor, La Bamba Lager, the real taste of Mexico, without whom, our sacred and ancient celebrations would not have been possible.
A round of applause, please.
Everybody clap.
I'd rather chop my own hands off with a spoon.
And now it's time to reveal which coven has been bestowed with the highest honour of officially opening our Solstice ceremony.
I wonder who it's going to be this year.
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage The Witches of Camden.
Surprise, surprise, nepotism rules.
He said us! I can't believe it! It's us, it's us! Witches of Camden, where are you? Congratulations.
Thank you so much.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
Congratulations.
In keeping with ancient ceremony, our chosen coven will now read the words of the Great One before sharing with us their ceremonial performance.
In your own time, please.
Grace.
On this most sacred day, we call upon our precious elements - earth, fire, water and air.
And we thank them for being so fucking awesome.
Without their divine power, our ancient community would be nothing more than a load of yogurt-weaving, sack-wearing, ugly hippy wank-shafts with terrible dress sense.
And absolutely no grip on reality.
It's a hex.
Somebody stop her now! Be careful with it! O-M-G.
The sacred scroll! Oh, fuck.
Bunch of cock-heads! Prick-arses! Bell-ends! Blasphemy! This coven should be banished forever! Stop this treachery and betrayal of sisterhood now.
Mum.
I thought you weren't coming, you big, fat wanker! Don't worry, love, I know this is the dark arts at work.
A petty and malicious hex! We must lift this hex.
Show's over, you bunch of pricks! I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Spirit Great, shine your light.
Spirit Great, shine your light.
Spirit Great.
This is a cheap trick, Karina, even for you.
You've got some nerve, turning up here and calling me cheap.
I thought this was forgotten years ago? You've got one hour to leave Lower Sooth or by the Great Spirit, you'll wish you'd never been born.
What's my mum ever done to you, you old cow? Leave it, Han.
No! I'm not having her threatening you when it's got nothing to do with you.
It has! Mummy, what is she driveling on about? I thought she was a major alcopop.
Keep or mouth shut or I'll decimate you.
I think it's time.
Time for what? 24 years ago, I did a very stupid thing.
I'm warning you! When I was working as a cleaner for the Piermonts I had a very brief affair with Karina's husband and I became pregnant.
With the light of my life.
When Karina found out, she banished us from Lower Sooth.
That prick is my dad? My life is ruined! Get out of here! Han! You were brilliant.
"Wank-shaft!" Classic.
Mum, Wait! This is it, then? You're seriously going to just drop that bombshell then piss off again? Thanks.
Considerate as always.
I'm putting us both in danger if I stay.
He's the married one.
Why are you still being punished? It's not fair.
They're too powerful.
Don't spend your life fighting, love.
It's not worth it.
Come here.
Poor Han.
I should really go find her.
You know what I thought I could do? What? Set up a band here.
I was talking to Geoffrey and he's up for it.
I know it won't bring any money in but I can do something on the side My friend's life has just been turned upside down.
I don't care about your stupid band.
I'm just excited, that's all.
New life and all that.
I don't want to move back here, Gerry.
Why not? Because I'm happy in London.
With the girls.
And you.
OK.
Really? Yeah, no, of course.
As long as we're together, eh? That's all that matters.
Jeremy Kyle, eat your heart out.
Yeah, Alexa and Hannah sisters? How is that even possible? Life's full of surprises.
Your dad knows how to give it some.
Yeah, he's pretty cool, isn't he? Gerry looks happy.
What if the spell didn't work because he's meant to live in Lower Sooth? What if I'm stopping him from fulfilling his destiny? Gerry could fall into a recycling bin and think it was his destiny.
I wouldn't get too hung up about it.
You two OK? Oh, yeah, great.
He's erm perfect.
Mum's leaving now.
Oh, lovely to see you, Mrs Bright.
Bye.
Bye.
Five minutes and counting.
Don't worry, I'm going.
I'll come and see you off.
Er I'm sorry we didn't manage to find it.
Let's er try lost property.
What? Cheeky! You know, sometimes I'm glad we left when you were small.
I couldn't bear the idea of us struggling to put food on the table and seeing that awful man every day, lavishing gifts on Alexa and her inheriting all his wealth.
It makes my skin crawl.
Mum, stay there and don't move! Where are you going? I'll be back! Promise me you won't go anywhere.
Hello, Daddy.
I hardly think a five-minute roll in the hay with a member of staff justifies that title.
Daddy, get her out of here! Shut your trap! Dada, for reals? Are you going to let her talk to me like that? I'm dealing with it, darling.
Too right you're dealing with it, dick-spin.
24 years too late but now you are dealing with it big time.
Is that right? Let me give you a piece of advice.
Stay out of my way before things turn nasty.
I'll happily stay out of your life forever.
On one condition.
What did you just say to Dada? You stay away from him, you mongrel.
You are nothing like us and you never will be.
No, I am nothing like you, Alexa.
Thank fuck.
But you know the sad thing? I reckon you're not even that bad deep down.
I am totes bad, you complete and utter bitchoid! Are you finished? You'll regret this, you loathsome pig! Don't start what you can't finish.
I'll detonate you, yeah? Our little home.
It's just how I remembered.
Well it needs a bit of work but at least now you've got your own place.
How did you get him to agree to this? I'm claiming what's rightfully mine.
He hasn't got a leg to stand on.
Every cloud and all that.
You will come and visit me, won't you? Try and stop me.
I knew you'd come.
I made you this.
Happy times.
Who's the little fat boy with - Me! It's me! All right everyone, listen up, I've had a word with Lord P and the VIP area has now been de-classified.
So help yourself to booze and happy Solstice! Woo! Gerry! I fucking love your mum, Gracey! Morning.
Well, I don't know about other Solstices, but I'd say that was pretty fucking special.
Oh, average.
Honestly, best night of my life.
Lower Sooth has stolen my heart.
Gerry, you should stay.
Yeah, maybe.
See if I can catch a lift back tomorrow.
For good.
You've got to follow your heart.
What about us? I love you.
I love you too.
But I think we want different things.
Geoffrey says I can crash at his.
We're starting a band.
I'm hand bell and lute.
I'm electric guitar.
Pagan-rock fusion.
Fuck things up a bit, see what we come up with.
Wow, that'll be interesting.
Shit, I think I've been bitten.
I've got some cream for that.
I think I was right, you know? This is his destiny.
That's why the spell didn't work.
You'll be all right, mate.
Come on.
You're the best girl in the world, Grace.
Go on.
I'll er give you a shout next time I'm in London, yeah? Just in case you see the band.
This is Tom's.
Could you do me a favour and give it back to him for us? Bye-bye, darling! See you! So much for Gloria making us do a home blessing.
Didn't stop Alexa, did it? It turned out all right in the end.
Yeah, but it's meant to Oh, my God.
Petals.
Just like in the woods.
We blessed the flat by mistake.
No, not by mistake.
We said home, didn't we? Aww! This is our home, girls!