Tales of the City (2019) s01e06 Episode Script

1 Here, let me.
[MICHAEL.]
No, sit.
For goodness' sakes, I'm fine.
It was only a panic attack.
If I had a dollar for every time you've said that over the past week, I still wouldn't be able to afford anything in this goddamn city.
The doctor said you need to rest, so sit.
Are you using the good glasses? - They're in the cupboard.
- On the left.
I know.
Although why you're treating us like foreign ambassadors visiting from overseas and not family, I'm not sure.
Well, it's not every day we get together like this, is it? Not a single time in the last 25 years, actually.
I'd say that calls for the good china.
[CHUCKLING.]
Even if a few of the attendees are flat-out lunatics.
To be fair, they had some reason to suspect Sam.
I mean, three old ladies die? And they've all left him stuff in their wills? Did you hear what they left him? Oh, yeah.
Used suits [BOTH LAUGHING.]
A three-legged cat named Trip? And some sort of gummy erasers you can't find in the stores anymore.
That third woman sounds like a real bitch.
I'm kind of surprised you agreed to come today.
Yeah, well since I stalked Anna and accused her friend of being a villain, - it did seem like the least I could do.
- [CHUCKLES.]
You know, Sam came by the other day when I was on my, uh "make sure Anna's okay" shift.
He was pretty understanding about the whole misunderstanding.
Well, you know what the worst thing is? I can't even blame it all on Mary Ann.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah, I know that feeling.
So, how's this, uh you know, the, uh, girl who's doing the documentary? Fine.
Fine? That's all you're gonna give me? Don't be so pushy.
I mean, it's like I I mean, we're not a thing.
Look, I just want you to know you can bring home whoever you want when you move back in.
What? We never talked about that.
No, I know, but I just I kind of assumed, - when Anna sells - Dad, I'm not gonna move back in with you.
Oh.
[SHAWNA.]
Sorry.
No, it's not a big deal.
I get it.
You need to live your own life.
You need to leave the nest, you gotta be an independent woman, - like Beyoncé.
- Oh, God.
- Overdid it, didn't I? - Yes, by a lot.
Yeah.
Painful.
Wealthy people support charities, right? - What? - You're supposed to answer.
- It's interactive.
- Oh, okay.
Fine.
Yes.
They pay taxes.
They donate art, they keep banks solvent.
Word.
Solvent.
But how does the world repay them? - Am I supposed to answer this? - No.
They're demonized.
Misunderstood.
I mean, they're totally vilified.
An easy target for the angry masses.
I'm sorry, I'm really trying to follow, but I have zero idea - where you're going with this.
- No In the spirit of un-othering the other, we propose drawing back the velvet curtain and streaming the life of an actual one-percenter on Instagram, revealing the true tale of privilege, unvarnished and real.
I mean, the joys, the heartaches, - the pressures, the stressors - [MOUTHS ALONG.]
The sheer responsibility of vast wealth.
Did someone on the Arts Council bet you could get me to believe this? DeDe.
DeDe, DeDe.
It's time to unstick your sticky.
Yes.
I believe I heard you say that at your performance piece.
We hashtagged it.
It's trending.
So you think what the world needs is more coverage of white people? See, we really need you to trust our artistic vision.
We're your Michelangelo.
And you're our Pope Julius II.
You're not gonna fuck with our Sistine Chapel, are you? Michelangelo didn't even wanna paint the Sistine Chapel, so the analogy doesn't really hold.
Anyway, where do you envision this happening? It's a site-specific piece.
We'll live in your guesthouse and document your life.
Here? - I don't know, guys - Imagine your big, empty house filled with vibrant, socially-conscious - [COUGHS.]
Attractive.
- Attrac Attractive young people like us, making a positive impact on the world.
I mean, can't you see it? A Twinvasion of a wealthy, woke White woman's world.
[IN UNISON.]
"Walk a mile in my Louboutins.
" [WHISTLES.]
Boom.
Okay.
Okay, against my better judgment.
As long as it's clear I'm in on the joke.
[IN UNISON.]
Yes.
We're twincomparable.
And also not homeless losers.
[GIGGLING.]
Ooh! We should invite some influencers over soon.
- Twinfluencers.
- Oh! [IN UNISON.]
Wa-wa-wa-wa! Oh, shit.
We forgot to give her the present.
Hey, old lady, we're here.
I prefer "old queen" if we're being technical.
[BOTH LAUGH SARCASTICALLY.]
Hey.
Hey.
Where's Anna? Uh She's changing her outfit.
She feeling okay? Apparently, not that she'll let me ask.
You wanna start filling water glasses? - [BRIAN.]
If I have to, I - Hi.
Hi.
I'm sorry I'm late.
I had to stop for beer.
That's the best reason I've heard for being late.
- Hey.
- Hi, how can I help? Uh, napkin duty? You got it, babycakes.
This is a token of our appreciation.
Thank you.
I'm touched.
[MATEO SCOFFS.]
You're an ally of white people? [DEDE.]
I can see how that might be confusing.
- Can I have the tahini? - No.
- These are delicious.
- Brian? Best anyone's ever made.
Thank you.
- Mm.
- More sherry, please.
- Oh Are you sure - I think one glass is probably enough.
Now, that's enough.
The babysitting shifts have to stop.
- That's not what we're doing.
- We're not.
I'm old, but I'm not stupid.
[LAUGHS.]
I love you all, even if two of you make terrible detectives.
It's a great IPA.
Oh, I I asked the guy at the store for a good one.
Very thoughtful of you.
Ow! What happened? Nothing.
You off carbs? No, no, I I like to save the croutons till last.
I guess there is something to genetics.
So, how is house hunting going? Let's see.
Um I saw a room being rented out by a family with seven home-schooled kids - Oh! - A studio with a haunted closet and a one-bedroom where the only place I could stand up without hitting my head - was the kitchen.
- [LAUGHS.]
Oh, and there are already 15 applications ahead of me on that one, so Why don't you move into my old room at Dad's, right? - Oh.
- I thought you were moving back in.
Miss Independent's gonna live with friends.
- But don't worry, it's clean.
- Straight-guy clean.
Eww.
I love you, but we can't work together and live together.
You should think about renting it out.
You could make a mint.
I might need to take it soon, before Mateo murders me in my sleep.
Anna, you all right? I'm so sorry that my decision to sell has all of you well looking for places to live.
Hey, none of that.
We're adults.
We can take care of ourselves, for the most part.
Yeah, we're we're gonna be fine.
I'm I'm sorry I I brought it up.
Well, it's the elephant in the room, isn't it? I suppose we should just all enjoy being together.
I mean, we brought out the good china, after all.
To you my chosen family.
- To us.
- To us.
[MARY ANN.]
Do you really think we should stop the shifts? If you value your life.
I had forgotten how fierce she can be.
You must never forget the power of the Madrigal.
[LAUGHS.]
This is nice.
Yeah.
There's nothing like thinking Anna's dying to put things into perspective, right? Yeah.
Really makes you stop and think about all the stupid shit you waste your time on and what we could be doing instead.
Carpe diem.
Or the less clichéd version of it.
[LAUGHS.]
Exactly.
- Kinda.
- No, yeah.
[MARY ANN LAUGHING.]
Do you think they're fucking? Gross.
Shh! I'm connecting with the universe.
[LAUGHTER.]
Oh! For God's sakes, - it's not Uno.
God.
- Wh - What? - Give me that.
Okay.
Okay, here we go.
All right.
So, think of a question that you want answered.
Um, here, take these.
Shuffle for as long as you want, um and then cut the deck once with your left hand.
[SIGHS.]
Wassup, millennial? Do not ever call me that again.
Is it a girl? Well, what happened? She use too many emojis? Oh, no, she didn't use the winky face, did she? Oh, my God.
Tell me you didn't break the golden rule and send more than three unanswered texts, did you? I know, she canceled on you.
Fuck you.
Yeah, she did.
Twice.
Oh, shit.
Perhaps there's a good explanation.
Drying just seems like such a complete fuckin' waste of time.
Wouldn't these plates dry themselves if you put them back wet? I swear, we had the exact same conversation when we were married.
Water spots.
That's what you always said.
Yeah, well, it's true.
Mary Ann, are you Are you wiping down the sink? There's water.
It's a sink.
Carpe diem.
Hm? [CHUCKLES.]
That doesn't That really makes no sense.
- Yes, it does.
It does.
- No, you can't seize the day by - Wiping a sink is seizing the day? - Absolutely.
[MARY ANN LAUGHING.]
[CHUCKLES.]
What's goin' on in there? [BOTH.]
Nothing! [BRIAN LAUGHING.]
I really think they're [SIGHS.]
Michael, stop it.
Okay.
Do you wanna tell us the question you asked? I mean, you don't have to.
I'm wondering what I need to know about this time in my life.
[SHAWNA.]
Oh.
Perfect.
I love this card.
Of course you do.
It has three beautiful girls drinking from goblets on it.
- [MURMURS.]
- Go on, Shawna.
Stop! What does What does it mean? Well, it's, uh well, the Three of Cups, it it represents friendship, uh, celebration, community.
Hm It's about, like, looking around and appreciating the people who create your community, you know.
- Uh-huh.
- And, you know, um the spontaneous celebrations that arise from those people.
Hmm.
So, basically, I guess it's like Barbary Lane in a card, really.
- Are you a witch? - Yes.
That's a wonderful sentiment for me to think about.
Thank you.
So, what's goin' on in here? - They're a coven.
- Oh, I've known that for years.
Uh, I guess we should get goin'.
Such a wonderful afternoon.
- Yeah.
- [SHAWNA.]
Well, I love you, old lady.
And we'll see you later.
In, like, a In a totally spontaneous, completely non-babysitting context sort of way.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
All right, all right.
Mm! [BIRDSONG.]
- See ya.
- Yeah.
- So, you off to DeDe's? - Mm.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Hey, since we're already day drinking, do you wanna come over for that wine? Or coffee.
I haven't been able to drink coffee past noon since I turned 40, but wine sounds nice.
Told me so many other times [WOMAN.]
Listen, you're a mediocre performer in a ratchet burlesque club in a city that's gonna fall into the sea on a planet that's hurtling headlong into Armageddon.
- Priorities, bitch.
- That's not an answer.
All I wanna know is why they decided to call it "Touch O' Butch.
" 'Cause "Touch O' Masculine of Center" wouldn't fit on the marquee? Hey, I wo I wouldn't Yeah, I got permission from Ida.
[CRACKLING.]
- Told ya.
- Aaah! - Fuck! - Jesus Christ.
- What'd I say? What'd I say? - Jesus Christ.
- Aaargh! - I knew it.
I knew it! Fuck.
Wow.
Who's been makin' things all sexy in here? Here, let me just get - Oh.
- Oh! Thank you.
Amazing.
Thank you.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Uh, what are you doing here? I'm just shooting some interviews.
Can I help? No, I'm good.
Ah Oh, my God, I had this crazy brunch today.
Like, Mary Ann came, and Uh, Shawna, sorry, I can't really chat right now.
I I gotta focus on the work.
Yeah, yeah, sorry.
[CHUCKLES.]
Marlowe! Hey.
Carlin, oh, my God, I love this new blazer.
- Oh, thanks.
- Yeah.
Margot.
My girl.
"My girl"? Yeah.
God, you look hot.
Divorce adrenaline.
Can't wallow around in sweatpants now, you know? [LAUGHS LOUDLY.]
Seriously, what is going on with you? You're being so weird.
What? Nothing, no.
Mm-mm.
Nope.
All right, this is, uh This is my good side, so.
Okay.
So, um why don't you start by giving me the history of Body Politic? The physical space, I mean.
Well, shit, it's always been some kind of gay bar.
It started out as a cross-dressing club with waiters-slash-hookers in the '40s.
And then it was a Latin leather club.
Nope, it was a black leather club.
I heard in the '60s it was run by some trans lady.
Someone told me it was a lesbian disco club in the '70s.
Uh, hey, guys, one at a time.
Hey, Ida, someone broke a glass in the ice machine.
God damn it! Here.
I I can't.
This is the last time I hire from Grindr.
- Fuckin' seriously? - If I find out who it is, I'mma break my foot off up their ass machine.
No.
[SIGHS.]
I'll do it.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[KEYS CLATTER.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Hey.
[LAUGHS.]
Wow! That's the side table we we found at Treasure Island Flea! Yeah.
I still love it.
Well, you did not love lugging it back on the ferry.
- No.
No.
- No.
- What a pain in the ass that was.
- [LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
Uh Chardonnay.
Perfect.
Oh! Oh, my God.
Is that our old stereo? Yeah.
Pick something out, if you want.
Here.
- [WINE SPILLS.]
- Oh.
Oops.
Jesus, I'm sorry.
[LAUGHS.]
It's all right.
It's all right.
Yeah, hang on a second.
Hang on.
Here.
How long have you lived here? Uh, we moved here when Shawna was in sixth grade.
She was really into the elevator.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Well until she discovered boys and girls.
Hm! Mm.
And before this? Oh, lots of places.
We moved every time the rent went up, but we always stayed close to Barbary Lane.
Was it always just the two of you? I didn't wanna be one of those divorced dads who's constantly dragging people through their kid's life.
I mean, not that there weren't women Oh, of course.
I'm gonna call DeDe to let her know - I won't be back yet.
- Yeah.
She gets so worried if she doesn't know where I am.
[LOUD HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING.]
- [YELLS.]
- [CHEERING.]
- Don't forget to tag us.
- Oh! - Okay! - Hashtag #bestwhiteally.
Oh! I'm so glad your friends decided to come over.
Isn't this fun? Are Are you having fun? Well, actually, they're social influencers.
Is that what kids say instead of "popular" now? Uh Kind of? I'll tell Mateo to bring out more bruschetta.
Everyone must be getting hungry.
Mateo! Mateo Ah, shit.
I really need to get him a buzzer.
She's, like, weirdly okay with all of this.
Yeah, seems like she's really in her element.
She looks so happy, doesn't she? You know, I think maybe she was lonely.
Aww.
Everyone should have a twin.
I miss Jonathan sometimes.
Yeah.
I miss Jennifer.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Damn girl, you goin' ham, girl Hey! Hey! You know what you wanna do - Hey! Hey - You know what you gonna do You see these bottles comin' through [LAUGHS.]
Anna Madrigal! Where in God's name did you ever wear something like this? [LAUGHING.]
The Anna I know wafted around Barbary Lane in caftans, smoking joints.
"I'm Mrs.
Madrigal.
As in medieval.
Now be a dear, dear, and pass me the sensimilla.
" - [EXHALES.]
- I hate to break it to you, - but I wore it best.
- [LAUGHS.]
Arguable.
[CHUCKLES.]
I haven't heard Ben's name lately.
- [SIGHS.]
- Everything all right? We're okay.
You don't sound convincing.
[SIGHS.]
I guess I don't know if we want the same things.
Because he said he wasn't ready to move in with you yet? "Yet.
" Exactly.
"Yet" implies a future.
Does it not? [CHUCKLES.]
[SIGHS.]
It's like when you're at a restaurant and the waiter comes up and he says, "I'm so sorry, but we're out of the chicken.
" You probably wouldn't even have ordered the chicken anyway because that's boring.
But the absence of it, someone else telling you that you can't have it, suddenly it makes you want the chicken more than anything.
Or maybe it makes you realize how much you love chicken.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
I thought I'd out-metaphored you for once.
Never! [LAUGHS.]
And then we moved to this tiny, shithole town in one of those states known for growin' two things, peanuts and evangelists.
By the time I was 16, I knew I was feelin' all kinds of things the Bible said I shouldn't be feelin'.
I used to go on movie dates with boys, and we'd both be hot for the leadin' lady.
I bet I saw Flashdance, like, ten times.
[SIGHS.]
Jennifer Beals, man.
Whew! Talk about built like a brick shithouse.
Oh, my God.
You know, I was pretty sure I was the only lesbo in the whole world.
[CHUCKLES.]
[SIGHS.]
And every Sunday, when my mom would make me put on a dress and curl my hair for church, it felt like I was being forced in a girl costume for Halloween or somethin'.
I was so jealous of my brothers who got to wear a suit and then go feel up their girlfriends in the barn.
Anyway [SIGHS.]
Thank God my dyke PE teacher took pity on me and told me about the one gay bar a couple towns over.
And that place That place saved my fuckin' life.
[SIGHS.]
You know, the gays have always made spaces for the freaks and weirdos.
Places like that little gay bar.
Places like Body Politic.
[CLAIRE.]
Oh, wait.
Um Yeah, that was great.
Uh Just "freaks" and "weirdos" are kind of judgy words.
So, um let's do another take, and this time say "marginalized outsiders" instead.
Okay.
Um How about I say, uh "Go fuck yourself"? Or should I say, "Go have tender union with your own lady parts"? You got my fucking mic.
Dude, what the fuck was that? I've literally never heard you laugh like that in your life.
Well, Claire and I had this, like, really amazing night.
Like, really, really cool.
And I She's just, like, shutting me out.
I don't get it.
Dude What? That is like exactly what you do to every person you fuck.
Yeah, I mean, that's what I'm saying, - That's what I'm talking about.
- [DOOR CREAKS.]
- I that's my thing.
- Shh - Hey.
- Hey.
How'd it go? Uh Other than the fact that none of them understand how intensely important this all is, it was great.
Do you want a drink? No, I gotta go download this footage, but, um Uh, I'll text you.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
I mean, wasn't that weird? I think she's being really weird.
I was wrong.
You're not dating yourself.
You're dating your mom.
What? [SCOFFS.]
Career first? Oh, fuck.
Speaking of older women [JONATHAN.]
DeDe, would you talk about high thread count sheets again? Look, self care is not an extravagance.
It's a discipline.
She's kinda hot.
I kissed her.
- What? - [LAUGHS.]
God.
And I'm dating my mother! [BOTH GIGGLING.]
[JESSICA FLETCHER ON TV.]
Unless it was Carolyn's idea to go out in the boat and not her husband's.
Come on, pay attention.
I'm trying to share a seminal part - of my life with you.
- Right, right.
You're right.
- We assume that there would be - Right.
at least one witness handy.
Well, why? So she could stay Wait, why's it called Murder, She Wrote? I thought she was a detective.
She's a mystery novelist who solves murders.
- Because her husband - It ran for 12 seasons.
Twelve.
Angela Lansbury is an icon.
Okay, you're gaysplaining to me again.
Well, someone has to.
Anyway, after owning Broadway in Mame, the reviews said she was incandescent.
Okay, that is, like, the gayest thing that's ever come out of your mouth.
- Wait, watch.
- What? She's about to figure out how the uncle ends up dead - in a locked room with a python.
- So that when she did turn up So, wherever this lady goes, somebody gets killed? - Mm-hmm.
- [MAN.]
I don't care if it was unlikely.
It happened.
- Why would anybody invite her anywhere? - Shh! [JESSICA.]
Now, her testimony and mine will surely - Hey.
- try and convict him of attempted murder.
I know something that we both will like watching.
But, I want [MAN.]
has got to be a flaw in that somewhere.
- [MAN.]
So strong.
- [MAN 2.]
Oh, yeah.
- [MAN 1.]
Young and strong.
- [MAN 2.]
Oh! [BEN.]
Welcome, Michael Tolliver, to the world of CGI porn.
Nope, nope, food and porn, nope.
Aah.
Hah! I, um How did you happen to find this? I kind of just fell down a giant rabbit hole.
- [MAN 2.]
Ooh, no! - [CHUCKLES.]
It's better than Murder, She Wrote.
Please don't make me say it.
- Mm! - [BOTH LAUGHING.]
Oh! We don't have to watch the rest, I mean I can just show you how it ends.
[MOANING ON TV.]
[HUMS HAPPILY.]
Aaah! I assume this means you're staying over? - Mm-hmm.
- [MAN 2.]
Yeah.
Yeah.
Harder.
Harder! You like that? You like it? [JAZZ PLAYING.]
- [BRIAN.]
Hey.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
- Mm.
Should we take another shot at goin' out one night? God, some of the things I said that night - Hey, hey.
We both said things.
- Yeah, but let me let me Let me say this.
I walked out on you.
And I walked out on Shawna.
And the truth is, I wasn't very good at being a mom.
And I really thought I really thought I was gonna go out there and become the next Oprah, and I was gonna become famous, and we all know how that worked out, and the whole time you were here alone, raising this amazing kid, and being the best father anyone could ever have.
[LAUGHS.]
Good parents don't lie to their kids.
I should have told her the truth.
But she was so She was so little.
And she'd just lost you, so I couldn't.
And then it was too late.
I knew how mad she'd be at me for not telling her sooner, and How was I supposed to know she was gonna become this person that valued the truth? - You were just trying to protect her.
- Or protect myself.
I figured she'd never find out.
How could she? And then you came back.
[LAUGHS.]
And here we are, in a great big mess that I made.
No, you were right.
You were right, and I am gonna do it.
I am gonna tell her the truth.
I don't know.
No, no.
I think your way is right.
- No, this is what you want.
- You Yes, but I was being selfish.
I just I wanted her so desperately to like me, and I thought if she knew, but The thing is, she's good.
- Mm.
- She's really good.
We're all good.
I mean, is this really the time to go and just blow up her whole world? Maybe it won't blow up.
Brian, she has a family she loves, who loves her.
Don't take that away from her.
God knows I learned that the hard way.
I'm sorry.
I am really sorry.
I am sorry for all of it.
What? What? What? What? What? What? - Did I say the wrong thing? What? - Sh, sh, sh, sh.
I can't do this.
It's not like I haven't thought about this a million times.
I didn't mean I didn't mean to come over here tonight.
I didn't mean to get this drunk.
- Carpe diem.
- Yeah, I want this.
I do.
Just not tonight.
Mm.
[SIGHS.]
Oh.
Ben.
Hey, baby.
[GRUMBLES.]
- It's time to get up.
It's already noon.
- [GROANS.]
Oh, my God.
Ohhh! I was having the sexiest dream.
[CHUCKLES.]
We were shipwrecked.
[SIGHS.]
It was you, me and - Jake Gyllenhaal.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Mm.
So theoretically, who would your third be? [CHUCKLES.]
Ryan Reynolds.
No.
- Idris Elba.
- Oh! [CHUCKLES.]
Maybe it doesn't have to be theoretical.
What, you know Idris Elba? I'm serious.
Are you sure? [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
I want to experience new things with you.
Okay? Okay.
Mm.
So we need to make a profile for us as a couple.
Ooh! "Clean, intelligent, athletic couple seeks versatile guy for NSA fun.
" Boring.
- "Well-hung " - [CHUCKLES.]
" hot young techie and sexy daddy seek " I hate being a daddy.
Why? You are a daddy.
Own it.
Well, at least put muscle daddy.
Okay.
And if we're owning shit, you are not 6'3".
Uh, I am in heels.
You checked "some" for body hair? Yeah, this is some.
Okay, how much constitutes some? Whatever it is, it definitely does not include back hair.
You said you liked it.
Aah Okay.
- All right.
Come on.
Post it.
- Mm-mm.
Thank you.
[CHIMES.]
Aah! [THUMPING HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYS.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
They want me to teach them to curse in ASL.
It's this, not this! It's not a real sign! It's all yours.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
- [WHIRRING.]
- [JONATHAN.]
Number one! - Number two.
- [WHIRRING.]
Number one.
- Number [GASPS.]
- [PHONE CHIMES.]
[DEDE.]
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
[LAUGHING.]
Okay.
On the face.
[SHUTTER CLICKS.]
[SIGHS.]
[KNOCKING AT DOOR.]
Hey, Claire Duncan.
Uh Come on in.
Yeah.
I just wanted to bring your dad's Barbary Lane photos back.
Cool.
Thanks.
Um Can I get you anything? Tea or I think I have hot chocolate? Um Yeah.
Uh, no.
Um So, Shawna, I've been thinking, and, um I can't accomplish everything I need to and also keep seeing you.
Um And I I don't wanna keep dragging you along.
I know it doesn't seem like it, but I promise I'm doing you a favor.
What? What about the other night? It was great.
You're a distraction.
It's just bad timing.
It's the timing.
It's not you.
I don't do this, you know.
Do what? Let people in.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
Maybe your mother was right.
Maybe you are broken.
Yeah.
Maybe I am.
Last text said he'd be here in an hour.
That was over an hour ago.
[SIGHS.]
What is NDQ? I don't know.
Never seen that one.
No dumb questions? Mm.
[KNOCKING AT DOOR.]
[SIGHS.]
[LAUGHING.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I did it.
I finally signed my divorce papers.
Really? Are Are you okay? I'm sad but good.
You know, and also excited.
I mean, it's It's an end and a beginning all in one.
Oh, my God, I'm interrupting.
- Uh - I just It's It's just such a big deal, and I needed to tell my best friend.
But I'll I'll come back another time.
No, no, no.
Sit down.
Tell me everything.
[BEN, UNDER HIS BREATH.]
Or maybe just, like, two things.
You know, I I might have a chance to do it better this time, you know? I I just feel maybe, this little family, Brian, Shawna, and me, I mean, maybe they're my third act.
[CHUCKLES.]
All righty, that sounds good.
Sounds like it's settled.
Mary Ann, it's always such a pleasure to see you.
Right.
I mean, you don't have to decide anything right now.
You know, maybe it's it's too soon.
I mean, truthfully, Robert and I, we've been done for a long time.
We're just finally burying the body.
And what if I hurt Brian again? That is the last thing in the world I'd want to do.
Maybe you and Brian have been brought back together for a reason.
Can't argue with the fact that Brian knows you in a way no one else does.
[CHUCKLES.]
- You're right.
- [LAUGHS.]
You're right.
Oh.
Thank you.
[LAUGHS.]
Thank you.
That's very helpful.
I feel better.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Also, I really need to pee.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- We have got to get her out of here.
Relax.
The guy probably flaked.
They do this all the time.
[KNOCKING AT DOOR.]
What do we do now? - Maybe we can just ignore him? - [KNOCKING.]
Shit, shit.
- Hello? - [KNOCKING.]
- [MARY ANN.]
Is someone at the door? - [LAUGHS.]
- [KNOCKING.]
- Oh, shit.
God damn it.
God damn it.
Oh, the the ferry was late.
And then the first Uber driver wouldn't let me bring Lana Del Rey.
Mm.
She's hypoallergenic, for God's sake.
Anyway, it was a nightmare, but I'm here.
And I am ready to play.
[DOOR OPENS.]
- [DOG YAPS.]
- Uh I clearly said in my profile, no drag queens! NDQ! Mm-hmm.
Well, I thought if you were going into work today, dear you wouldn't mind being my escort.
Oh! Wonderful.
I I'll see you then.
[SIGHS.]
[POP MUSIC PLAYING.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Oh, that's a good one.
Mateo, look.
BuzzFeed wrote an article about me.
"This is the rich lady you didn't know you needed.
" [GIGGLES.]
And Kristen Stewart said she wants to learn sign language because of you.
- [STAMPS.]
- [MUSIC STOPS.]
Out! Uh-oh.
The Oriental rug is ruined! - Excuse - I think you mean "Asian.
" What did he say? "Asian" rug.
"Oriental" is okay for rugs, not people.
Uh Wh I'm deaf.
You can't out-PC me! [IN SIGN LANGUAGE.]
Calm down.
It's all in good fun.
Them [PEOPLE TYPING ON PHONES.]
or me.
Don't make me choose.
[PHONE ALERTS.]
I think this site is specifically shut down.
[LAUGHS.]
But it's your house.
Keeping Mateo happy is essential to my own happiness.
Trust me.
I have an idea.
Body Politic.
Wait.
Doesn't your friend Margot work there? Mm-hmm.
Give me five minutes.
Should I wear my sweatshirt? [TWINS, IN UNISON.]
Yes.
Let's go.
Yo, we're going to Body Politic! [CHEERING.]
[MAN.]
What a pretty girl! Yeah! [WHOOPING AND WHISTLING.]
Hey, those are my glasses.
Those are your feelings.
Yeah, whatever.
Girl, stop pouting.
Come see who's here.
- [MAN.]
Yeah! - [CHEERING.]
Ah-he-he-he-hem! Three of Cups, old lady? Three of Cups! Now, where's a drink? Sherry? I don't know if I have a goblet for you, though.
Fuck that! Just give me a shot of somethin'.
All right, okay.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Shall we? - Oh! - [GIGGLES.]
Mm! [LAUGHS.]
Aah! [DOOR OPENS.]
[CHEERING.]
[JEN.]
Selfie! Mwah! [WOMAN.]
Hey! How are you, girl? I'm glad we got you out of the house.
To long nights in short skirts.
[LAUGHING.]
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.]
Thank you, ukulele! Thank you! [LAUGHS.]
[BAND STRIKES UP.]
I got nipples on my titties Big as the end of my thumb I got somethin' between my legs Will make a dead man come Get it, Carlin.
- Oh, Daddy - Woo! Baby, won't you shave 'em dry? [MAN.]
Woo! Want you to grind me, baby Grind me until I cry Raven, we just hit 100,000 followers.
We're gonna be rich.
I mean, this is gonna redefine how we think of the intersection of art and commerce.
See, I fucked all night And all the night before, baby And I feel just like I wanna fuck some more Oh, great God, Daddy Grind me honey, shave me dry When you hear me holla, baby Want you to shave me dry I'm gonna turn back my mattress Let you on my springs I want you to grind me Till the bell do ring Oh, Daddy Want you to shave me dry [CHEERING.]
Oh, hang on, Daddy If you can't shave 'em, baby Won't you try? Now if fuckin' was the thing That would take me to Heaven I'd be fuckin' in the studio Till the clock strike eleven Oh, Daddy Daddy, shave 'em dry I would fuck you, baby - Honey, I'd make you cry - [KNOCKING AT DOOR.]
Hi, I'm back.
Which you can see because I'm here.
So I probably didn't need to say that, but I just I I wanted to let you know that I signed my divorce papers.
- And so - Mary Ann.
For the love of God, would you please, for once, just shut up? I would fuck you, baby Honey, I would make you cry - God, I've missed this.
- Me, too.
- I've missed you.
- Oh Mary Ann.
Mm! - Mm! Mary Ann.
- Yes.
- Mm! - Oh.
- Mary Ann Oh! - What? - What? What is it? - Ow! [GROANING.]
- What? - It's my my knee.
Shit.
What is it? What? Just that the knee locks up, - that's it.
- You want ice? - [SIGHS.]
Oh - Do you need ice? Just give me a minute.
[SIGHS.]
- We don't have to do this.
- No, it's Maybe if you turn over.
- Oh.
Okay.
- Yeah.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Carpal tunnel.
- Oh.
- Okay.
- Uh - What if I get on top? - Yeah.
Yeah? How's that? You okay? That's fantastic.
And you? Fantastic.
Good night.
Mm! I love you.
I love you, too.
Mm.
Mm! Just remember, NDQ.
Too soon.
Come on.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- [SIGHS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
[SIGHS.]
[PHONE ALERT.]
Brian? Did you forget some Uh Mm That's a cool shirt.
My dad has one just like it.
He went out to get bagels.
He'll be right back.
[CHUCKLES.]
Mary Ann.
You blushing? Um - We, um - Hey.
Relax.
I'm not in any position to judge anyone else's choices right now.
Are you okay? Something happen? You wanna talk about it? What do you do if you've lived your life by your instincts and it turns out your instincts suck? Mm.
That's a question I've never been able to answer.
[CHUCKLES.]
What's in the box? Just some old photos of my dad's.
Barbary Lane back in the day.
- Can I see? - Yeah.
Of course.
There's piles of them in the closet.
I had no idea he had all this.
- Huh.
- It's so cute.
You guys look so young.
Yeah.
Michael, your dad and I, we must have been [LAUGHING.]
Yeah, we must have been about your age.
And Anna was probably my age now.
God, that's hard to believe.
[MARY ANN.]
Hm.
Oh, yeah, that's good.
- Put that in the pile for Anna.
- Mm.
Aww, look.
[MARY ANN.]
One when I smoked.
I was stupid.
[MARY ANN CHUCKLES.]
Who the fuck is Connie Bradshaw? ["HEADACHE" PLAYING.]
Blurred vision, can't see I think you're breathing And you're standing right in front of me I can't move, I can't move Can't stand it It's scary, I gotta gotta gotta Gotta gotta get away Get away I gotta get away Get away Got nothing in mind Somethin' missing I'll tear it all apart I can't move [SONG FADES TO INSTRUMENTAL THEME.]