Taskmaster (2015) s01e06 Episode Script

1
Hello, I am Greg Davies,
and this is Taskmaster.
But what is Taskmaster?
Well, it's a chance for me to flex
my massive comedic muscles,
and for some other,
smaller comedians
to undertake some fatuous
yet fantastical tasks for me.
It's basically a comedy food chain.
Let's meet them now.
He's looked exactly the same
for nearly 60 years
I've seen baby pictures.
It's weird.
It's the legend that is
Mr. Frank Skinner!
When he reached the age
of 12, he thought,
"Yep, I'm sticking with this."
It's Josh Widdicombe!
After a party at my house, I found
this comedian asleep on my sofa
with 14 penises drawn on her face.
Roisin Conaty!
Quite simply a lovely, kind man.
Probably my favourite. Really
the loveliest of all the contestants.
Mr. Romesh Ranganathan.
Finally, a man who's earned a great
deal of respect in the comedy industry,
but often lets himself
down in social situations.
Mr. Tim Key!
And, as ever, to my left and to your
right is my very personal assistant,
- Alex Horne.
- Hello.
- Alex?
- Mm-hm?
Let's start the show with some traditional
high-level banter between us.
- OK, I've been practicing.
- OK.
- Ready?
- Yep.
Phwoar. Innit? Phwoar.
Is that banter? What's banter?
- What, saying "phwoar" to me?
- I don't know, I don't know!
I don't know. I literally don't know.
It gets much better than this, guys.
It doesn't always.
Alex, what's the first task?
The first task, Greg,
is the prize task.
As ever, the comedians have been
asked to bring in some of their own
possessions for the prize haul.
You're gonna be judging which
of their possessions is the best
and they'll get some points for that.
Today you've asked them to bring
in their most satisfying item.
Let's get some points going. Tim,
what did you bring in that's satisfying?
I've made a fish chowder.
There is nothing more
comforting to me
than the awful retching that's
brought on by fish poisoning.
Tim, when did you make it?
Um, I made it on Sunday.
- Oh, God.
- Oh, man.
This was made on Sunday.
It's now Wednesday.
You're not wanting me
to eat this, right?
No, no, no--
"Yes, please, Greg!
That's why we came."
"To see you shit yourself!"
It smells nice.
Yeah, I mean, not exactly
the reaction I was after.
The only way to judge how
comforting this is
is to eat it, and to see
if I feel comforted.
I'm not prepared to do that,
but my assistant is.
Thank you, Greg. Thank you.
But I don't understand!
- That's my cooking!
- It's really nice!
- It's very satisfying.
- Yeah?
Yeah, really satisfying. I'd say
that's a satisfying chowder.
OK, great.
Will he puke? Won't he puke?
Will he puke?
Yeah, well. I'm allergic
to fish, so
If he is ill, don't worry.
I'll tell everyone Romesh made it.
Um, so. Romesh.
What have you brought
in that's comforting?
I have brought in, um
My vape mod.
That is the top-of-the-range
tank you can see there.
It counts how many
puffs you've taken.
You can change the wattage and
the amperage of the puffs,
and you can also charge
your mobile phone from it.
Wow, yeah.
It's pretty satisfying.
Can you really charge your
mobile phone from it?
Yes you can, it's got a USB
connection at the bottom.
So easily pleased.
"Can you really
charge your mobile phone from it?"
The only way that that's going
to be a satisfying thing to bring in
is if I'm addicted to nicotine.
Lucky for you, I am.
Do you know what's so great
about it, is it stops you smoking,
and you feel like you're
giving RoboCop a blowie.
Great. Roisin, what have you
brought in that is satisfying?
Well, what I find really
satisfying and comforting
is a head massage.
There's a tool you can get
- It's called the Orgasmatron.
- Oh, my God. That's amazing!
You do that to yourself.
- It is the nicest feeling in the world.
- I love that! It's so good.
It's sort of a robot
massager, isn't it?
I imagine you can't wait to
get stuck into that, Romesh.
I tell you what, I get the vape
thing, get that - I've got a weekend.
What have you brought in, Josh?
I spent three months of
my life completing
the 2014 World Cup sticker album.
Oh, my God.
They're all there. They're all
in order, they're all in place.
They're all aligned.
Not the best photo to
show it off, really.
Frank, what did you bring
us that's satisfying?
This is a stressful age we live in,
so I brought in an anti-stress ball.
Shut up, I'm getting
four grand for this.
When you squeeze it, as
one does a stress ball,
it makes it has a noise.
- Would you like to hear the noise?
- Oh, more than anything.
Calm down, dear. Calm down, dear.
So, in other words
It's a dead man's voice
in a sphere.
I'm gonna make a quick decision
on this so we can crack on
- with the show.
- OK.
Roisin, I don't want
to massage myself.
Then Frank Skinner will be there,
because I don't want to hear
a voice of a dead man.
Then I'm going to put Romesh in,
because it was supposed
to be generally satisfying
and there's only a few losers
here who are addicted to nicotine.
You're one of 'em, mate.
That didn't go as well as I hoped.
I thought, "Go aggressive."
You didn't go with me, you know
It's backfired, I look
like a prick now.
It's difficult, isn't it?
It's difficult
Key spent eight hours
on his chowder.
I spent three months.
Swapping. With other grown adults.
To be fair, mine said halibut
and I used salmon.
The trouble is, Josh, it's really
impressive what you did,
but the last time I was interested
in a football album was in 1982,
and that's not 'cause
I liked football.
It was to impress a boy
called Philip.
Anyone who makes me a
lovingly prepared fish dish
is gonna win this task.
Ladies and gentlemen, the
winner of the first task is Mr. Tim Key.
This is the sixth show
in the series.
I've got the total
of points so far.
Roisin's on 60, Tim's on 70,
Frank 77,
Romesh on 81, despite
not winning a show.
Josh is the leader so far on 85.
- Remarkable.
- OK.
And there, ladies and gentlemen,
just so you can witness them,
are all the satisfying prizes,
up there in that box.
Whoever wins at the end of
the show will head up there
and celebrate wildly
and take them all home.
Right, let's get with the
first proper task of the night.
Here we go.
Well, that's a T and an M.
"Get the lowest golf score using eggs."
"You must complete the five
holes using chicken's eggs."
"Your score will be calculated
as follows"
"Shots times eggs times minutes."
"Your time starts now."
Do I need to use a club?
Oh, yeah
And if you're wondering who
knows least about the game of golf,
that question is answered
by another question.
The question, "Do I have
to use a club?"
I imagine Mr. Skinner knows
a bit about golf.
Um, I have played golf in the past.
Played with Bing Crosby back in '34.
And I am morally opposed to
the whole game, as a vegan.
Yeah?
You weren't that morally opposed.
You did it immediately.
I hoped that I could go around
without damaging any eggs,
and I thought that would
sort of side-step the issue.
Do you want to have a look?
Shit.
I seem to remember that if you hit
them on the point of the egg,
they don't break
That was incorrect.
Shit. Shit!
You have to hit them a bit
harder as they bleed.
Come on!
Are you allowed to just sweep
your way through it in golf?
Oooh!
That club's a bit eggy.
You fff
I don't even know if, morally,
I'm allowed to do this.
It's impossible, this one.
What's the windmill
got to do with it?
You're in my way!
I wonder if that'll go over
Done.
Are there more eggs? I've got
three eggs left to do this and that?
Feels like otherwise there
might not be any eggs left in the world.
Which was the problem
hole for you?
I think it might've been the one that I
used over two dozen eggs on, maybe.
I think that might have been
Just off the top of my head.
I mean, you'll have noticed it, but
one genuinely amazing chip shot there.
I mean, Roisin continued to beautifully
caress the egg round the course
And then the vegan lost
his mind, didn't he?
Why do you hate chickens so much?
I don't hate chickens.
Explain that to your community.
The vegan community.
I don't-- Listen, it was a really
upsetting day for me.
Well, how many eggs?
I don't know many eggs I used.
Well, you took 68 shots,
14 minutes 20, and 36 eggs.
Which adds up to
35,088 points, but
We ran out of eggs.
I asked for more eggs but
I was denied more eggs.
Yeah, because we were worried
about the chicken community dying out.
A lot of people like chicken.
How do we score this?
Do we think if most of the egg gets
in the hole, that's counted?
That's exactly what you
should ask yourself.
I'll do that now.
Greg?
"Yeees?"
Yeah, OK. If most of the egg
gets in, I think it's counted.
The par is three.
If you can get it round with one
egg, one minute per hole,
three shots per hole, you
get a score of about 15.
Eggs times minutes times shots.
So, Frank, you took 32 shots,
seven minutes and five eggs.
You got a score of 1,096.
- You played golf before, Rois?
- No.
She did pretty well. Roisin took 40
shots in just four minutes, using six eggs.
She got a thousand points.
Some of those shots did
last for 35 seconds.
They were very long shots.
This is break time now,
so do what you gotta do.
We'll see you when you've finished.
Hello and welcome back
to Taskmaster.
The place where comedians are
playing for an Orgasmatron,
a slow-cooked meal,
or a stress reliever.
Shall we see some more?
Yeah, so Tim and Josh did it
in a slightly different way.
Can I go in and boil an egg?
I've used two eggs.
Gotta boil the eggs, haven't I?
I'm boiling the eggs.
From what I remember,
it's three minutes.
Come on!
Hang on!
- I don't know what you're doing.
- I know what I'm doing!
That one's got a slight
leak Just play the game.
I wonder whether I could have
boiled them for longer.
Slight egg issues.
But it's in.
Oh, this is the big one!
More confidence needed.
I'm done.
Boiling the eggs.
Sportsmanlike, do you think?
I don't think there's any
rules against it in golf.
I guess you can boil
your balls, right?
In certain climates, yeah.
Yeah. Also, you only boiled them
for two and a half minutes. So they
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I got impatient.
Should you be penalised
for bad boiling?
You can't have it both ways.
And were you expecting
some points for that
tiny bit of shell you got
into one of the holes?
Earlier on, you said, "Any egg that
gets in the hole counts as in the hole."
Alright.
If we're happy, then Josh took
42 shots in 21 minutes
'cause of the boiling problems.
And he used seven eggs.
So you scored about 6,000
points. Just over.
Tim, 39 shots, ten minutes,
three eggs.
1,200 points.
So if we're all happy with the
rules, which we're not
then it would go Roisin,
Frank, Tim
- Are you serious?
- I'm just looking at his face. He's so cross.
Well, I didn't sort of
say it at the time,
because I thought I was gonna
run away with this one, but
Looking at it again, Roisin just
- swept them Sweeping's not--
- I didn't sweep the whole time.
- You swept most of the time!
- No, I didn't!
I didn't crack an egg.
And the big ones, I got
over quite easily.
I think you're all shit at golf.
My first go! How are you
smashing eggs like that?
I mean, it sounds like
even professional golf
players are shit at golf.
OK, I'm the only one who didn't
break the egg on the ramp.
So, if you're looking
for golf skills
She always pings her bra when
she's pleased with herself.
It's one of her things.
- No, I'm happy with you winning.
- How come I've got the lowest points?
Because you didn't break
any eggs, pretty much--
But surely I should have
6,000 points, then?
No, no, no. The lowest is better.
No, I think let's listen to Roisin.
Give her the-- No, she's
absolutely right.
I wanna see her ping
her bra again.
Let's give her the highest amount.
Basically, what we're saying
in this game is that
there are no rules in
our version of golf.
It just feels really weird
that I haven't won that.
Tim, what happened was,
you put it in the tennis ball,
but then you were very bad at
getting the tennis ball into the hole,
'cause the tennis ball was
bigger than the hole.
So quite often it went
over the hole.
You took almost the most shots,
just behind Romesh.
I think we should score
this according to
- Who's won?
- Who's won.
Good idea, yeah.
OK, let's do it.
In that case, Roisin Conaty
is the winner.
Roisin Conaty wins!
How are the scores looking, Alex?
OK, so Frank, Roisin, and
Josh are all on six points.
Tim Key's on eight points in the lead.
What's next, Alex?
- There is a team task.
- Ahhh.
So in the team task, we've actually
put the contestants into two teams.
We've put the three in the middle,
Josh, Roisin, and Romesh,
as one team, because their
age adds up to a hundred.
As does the other two.
Let's see how they get on.
Thank you. Hello, Alex.
"Stage a realistic blooper
from a home movie."
Pfffbt.
"The Taskmaster will give points
to the best filmmakers."
"You have one hour."
"Your time starts now."
OK.
Got it.
Why are you sitting on the sofa?
What are you doing?
I'm just thinking!
How are you on a unicycle?
OK, so this is what I
wanted them to do.
I wanted them to do a blooper film
because those are the things
that I find funniest in life.
The film that I think
is the funniest,
I'll give two points to
each person in the team.
And the other people
get nothing. Simple.
What about effort?
Absolutely not taken into
consideration whatsoever.
OK. Just to be clear.
Who are we gonna see first, Alex?
- Do you want to start with the children?
- Yes, please.
OK. Do one of you wanna
introduce the film?
Yeah.
- Go on then, Josh.
- Oh.
This film is, like,
a look backstage
at what it was like
to make Taskmaster.
What could possibly go wrong?
- Great.
- Behind the scenes of Taskmaster.
Just before we roll, just let Romesh
do his jazz hands one more time.
It's behind the scenes
of Taskmaster.
- Can we have a look at it?
- OK. Here it is.
This is just behind the scenes
of Romesh doing a task
where he's about to start
Have you done this one?
Where you have to--
Hundreds and thousands, yeah.
Count the hundreds and
thousands. It's really fun.
It's a great task.
They're already having the debate
that we had the other day
about whether it's
hundreds or thousands.
Oh, shall we go have a look?
Let's go and see
how they're getting on.
Yeah, but is this a hundred
or is it a thousand?
Are you serious?
Lot of banter.
This is the kind of banter we have.
Hit his arse.
Hit his arse.
This here. Is it a
hundred or is it a thousand?
Hit his arse!
Oh!
I was joking.
Why would you-- I've got
cake on my face!
Sorry! I'm sorry!
Alex! It's me, I told him.
I'm so sorry--
I'm so sorry, I told him to
I think that was good.
That is without question
the worst acting
I've seen committed
to a film, ever.
- What?
- What? Alex's fall?
- No, Alex was great in it.
- But what acting?
What about us?
We're as natural as the day is long.
I think I went too far into it.
I was too method.
That's what ruined it.
"Too method." It was
absolutely incredible.
And this brings us on to my
second problem with your film.
The funny stuff, unfortunately for you,
was mainly done by my assistant.
Why hasn't Widdicombe got
pie all over his face?
Because he had to take
part in the narrative.
The narrative needed us to be in it.
And we needed an Alex
I mean, he's very good PA.
It sounds very much like there
are three people sitting over there
who aren't gonna win £200.
Well, I'd hate to be those guys.
How did you feel about?
Well, I was very pleased
with my performance,
but when I saw it back,
the camera-work
You kind of miss the fall.
You missed the fall into the pool.
It's meant to be a blooper, so I
couldn't show my best camera moves,
'cause I'd give the game away.
So I had to Blair Witch it.
Would you go to Blair Witch
Project and go,
"Oh, this ain't shot very well!"
- It's meant to look like that.
- "I couldn't give my best camera moves."
"I had to Blair Witch it?"
So, you think the
cake is the blooper
Yeah.
And you think, "Oh, God,
that was bloody funny!"
"That's probably the best
thing I've ever seen."
"Oh, shit! Paddling pool,
out of nowhere!"
"Oh, my days! That's such a
surprising and entertaining blooper."
"And if anything, they're almost too method
in the way that they carried that out."
"I thought it was brilliant!"
- Yeah? Yeah!
- "That's what I think about that."
That should be your reaction.
I would've probably got to those
layers, but I was too busy with,
"Oh, there's this really bad acting."
"Oh, they're not doing
it themselves!"
"Oh, they've missed the
actual accident!"
It is a lot shitter than I
thought it was gonna look.
- That is the honest truth.
- Actually, yeah.
When I watched it, I thought this must
be some off-cuts version of the thing.
And then I waited for the reveal,
and then there was none,
and then we had to
defend that dog shit.
And I feel I gave an
impassioned speech,
but I didn't believe a
word of it. It was
I agree with Romesh.
We're taking a quick break now,
but don't hold that against us.
See you in a minute.
Hello and welcome back to Taskmaster,
where someone will soon be getting
satisfied in the royal box.
Can we see how the old people did?
OK.
The grown-ups did this film
Hey, Brad! Be careful on that ladder, mate.
Jeff, mate, I know what I'm doing.
I do this every year.
You know they're coming
at 3 o'clock. What time is it now?
Well-- Oh!
Honestly, mate.
Don't laugh at me, Jeff.
You get on with doing
the fruit salad, mate!
Be careful on there,
you know, it's quite wobbly.
I'm alright, thank you.
Oh--
Hey, you alright, Brad?
Brad!
Oh, God!
I'll get help. I'll get help!
Oh, that was brilliant!
- Wow, phenomenal.
- Wow. Wow.
I tell you what, it's gonna
be a borderline decision.
I mean, incredible. And the first
thing I wanna know is
I wanna know about
Brad and Jeff.
I wanna know something of
those guys' backstory.
Well, it's something they do every
year, and every year there's a--
These guys.
Every year, they think
it's gonna go fine,
and every year there's
a bloody calamity.
Oh, God. I mean, it's an
absolutely incredible stunt.
- The stunt was amazing.
- Yeah.
You could just see how it was done,
if you pause it at a certain point.
I don't think this spoils it,
but if you have look at this,
you can just see how
the stunt was done.
You're not telling
me that was an illusion?
I'll get help. I'll get help!
We thought, "Wouldn't it
be even more special
if the blooper film had
got a blooper in it?"
I mean, they were both
fantastic efforts, but--
Well, you're half right.
We all know where this
going, guys. Right?
Brad and Jeff are our winners.
What are the current scores, Alex?
So, the elder people are in the lead.
Frank is in second on eight.
Tim has ten points.
What does the next task
involve, Alex?
It involves cooking and spelling.
Let's have a look.
I'm lookin' for the Taskmaster.
Oh, this is nice!
"Make the best meal for
the Taskmaster"
"using ingredients beginning
with every letter of the alphabet."
"You have a total of two hours.
Your time starts now."
Thanks for that.
Oh! Write down what I want,
and then you go to the shops.
Wooh!
Two hours?
Effort, innit?
"Lookin' for the Taskmaster."
Do you wanna explain
that, or are you alright?
I've been watching
a lot of Westerns.
Quite a challenge. Every
letter of the alphabet.
Let's go straight into it.
Who are we seeing first?
We're gonna see all five of them
for the very first time,
planning their meals.
Well, I'll do the difficult
letters first.
Q Q
Need to think of something
that starts with Q.
How do you spell "kumquat"?
Q-U-I-N-O-A.
That's not right.
Who's eating it?
I'm tasting it.
Alright.
B's a sod. B, B, B, B
Gonna be a nightmare for
Romesh, isn't it?
I am in a bit of a dilemma here,
because I am a vegan.
Bacon.
Are you even allowed
to write the word "bacon"?
Yes, I'm allowed to write
the word "bacon".
- What word?
- P's a real great food letter.
Pepperoni, peppers
- Pizza.
- Pizza.
Z Tough one, innit?
Zucchini, you would have as
part of a roast dinner, wouldn't you?
Zebra. But I've already got parrot.
- God, this is hard.
- Yes.
One good idea for a dessert
is a fruit salad.
Grapes. Orange. Some kiwi.
Watermelon. Love a bit
of watermelon.
I mean, it's not just me that's
tempted by Double Decker?
OK, tell you what.
Get rid of the bacon.
Get some facon.
Uh, rabbit soup?
I'm imagining the two
ears out the top.
U
Um Bongo.
Wine.
How d'you spell "ouzo"?
Tequila.
- That just leaves me with the X.
- Hmm.
There's no ingredients
that begin with X.
Except XXX Mints.
There's nothing in the
world beginning with X.
Xylophone.
Xylophone.
X-tra large
But I don't really want
anything that big.
So it'd be a small thing that I
want an extra-large version of.
Grape?
Romesh, you're the vegan.
You replaced meat with facon, right?
Yeah.
You still had eggs and ice cream.
Yeah, well-- No, yeah--
What I thought was,
I'd compromise by
including dairy items,
but I didn't go the
whole hog, as it were.
Oh, man.
Are we gonna see their
individual VTs?
We are, we're gonna start
with Roisin. OK?
Thirty-five years on this planet
and never cooked a yam.
OK.
Ooh, you're in for a feast!
And a tin of meatballs, no less!
It's like the colour of a body
you'd find in the woods.
Oh no!
That was stressful.
You're in for a bloody treat.
Shit the bed!
Thank you, Roisin.
Here we go
It's alright.
It's quite, um It's got a kick.
Sausage is undercooked.
No, it's been in
there for 25 minutes!
Oh, that's it. Overcooked.
It's definitely edible. I like it.
You like it? Are you serious?
It's quite nice.
Now the main course.
And what is this pizza called?
"Taaaskmasteeer".
"The Taskmaster"?
No, that's not how I said it.
So, Roisin has served me the
"Taaaskmasteeer" pizza.
The goat's-- The goat's cheese
and the anchovies
They are a powerful combination.
I mean, it looks appalling.
What's the name of the cocktail?
"Cocktail."
I almost feel like I don't have to
drink it, because of the smell.
That's enough.
I like "Cocktail".
Thank you, Roisin.
Hey! You're welcome.
- How did she do, ingredients-wise?
- There was a lot.
There was a moment when
she said, "What are yams?"
And the Q was for "quinoa".
- Quinoa. Quinoa.
- Quinoa.
What is the flavour of quinoa?
Horrible.
I enjoyed the texture, but I was
surprised that it wasn't more disgusting.
- Everyone was surprised.
- Yeah.
I boiled it all in one pot.
The sausages and the quinoa.
How many of the letters did she
actually successfully?
She used all of them, if you
include U for "umbrella".
I did a cocktail umbrella.
I had to have a cocktail umbrella.
I was giving him a cocktail.
Yeah, that's true. The cocktail was
made of Vermouth and red wine.
Oh, my word!
Classic.
And the great thing is that
globally, in cocktail menus,
the name "Cocktail" has not been used.
- It hasn't?
- No, it hasn't.
- I don't think it has, has it?
- It hasn't.
Do you wanna see another pizza?
Yeah, I do.
OK, well, this is nearly
a pizza from Josh.
Oh, fuck off.
After Eights. I can just snack on
these throughout the process.
You want an After Eight?
Treat myself there.
Just spread that around
Could you take your sock off, please?
Je ne sais quoi,
as they say in Italy.
Could I join you?
I'd love that. Thank you, Josh.
- No, thank you.
- Thank you for the food.
I'm just gonna go for
a little clump of
Garlicky bread?
"Garlicky bread", is it?
Rather than "garlic bread"?
Well, it's very garlicky bread.
Let's have a look at this
quad-colour salad.
Mmm. It's nice
and then you hit the nectarine,
then it's confusing.
So, the pizza. You're saying
thin and crispy.
Hmm. It looks like a pizza,
and then you eat it,
and it tastes like a lot of
ingredients on a wrap.
That is what pizza is, mate.
Dusting of Double Decker and
Kit Kat and Jammie Dodger.
Oh, yeah.
You're in for a treat.
I mean, it's very minty.
The dusting tastes like dust.
It's a dusting!
Mm. So, it's very very nice.
Well, thank you, Josh.
It's sort of just like
watching a student
cook what he would
normally cook.
After Eights, Kit Kats,
hundreds and thousands,
Double Deckers and
Jammie Dodgers.
Am I right in thinking you put some
crushed mints there somewhere?
Yeah, I got some XXX Mints.
One of those new novelty-
themed restaurants, isn't it?
"If you just pop your sock off, sir,
I'm gonna crush some mints up in it."
You thought the mints worked
- very well in the pudding.
- I did, yeah.
It was a good meal.
He very nearly put Night
Nurse in it, but
Let's have a look at Romesh.
He's got to be more
creative, look at him.
If I tell you the look is more
realistic than the flavour
that's gonna give you an idea.
Oh, frick--
Oh, for fuck's sake!
Well
Thank you.
Weirdly this is quite nice.
The focaccia's perfect.
Just instinct
I worked on with that.
He's made it look awful and
then the taste is so surprising.
Yeah, but look at all the
colours and everything.
I'll have a bit of ouzo.
All the senses were involved.
Bit of a headache, and so, um
So by the time I was eating it,
it just sort of didn't
really taste of anything.
Just om, nom.
"Party Party Fruit Salad".
It's lovely. Thank you
for the meal.
Well, the first thing is, I've
been totally won round
by the inclusion of "xylophone" now,
because I'd forgotten how important
creating the right atmosphere
in a lovely restaurant is.
And what I want before I eat is
to be just incredibly irritated.
I just thought it was
nice to sort of
- provide this kind of soundscape.
- Yeah.
Soundscape? Get over yourself!
How did it taste? I mean
It was pretty good.
There was no meat, so it wasn't
very nice, but it was all
And they were supposed to
be making meals for me,
not for themselves, and
I'm a meat-eater, so
And you have already decimated
the chicken community
so what does it matter?
You know, I don't know
how to cook meat.
I never cook with meat, so
I didn't want to put
you under any risk.
D'you know what I mean?
I was doing it for your own safety.
And I was trying to help you
sort of live a more ethical life.
Do you want to see a man cook meat?
I wanna see a man deal with meat.
That man did it.
It just never occurred to me that it
would have things like a skeleton.
What if I cut a centre
section in the steak
and then use that to house
the hollandaise potato?
Tell you what.
They look like they could
possibly be wheels.
- Hey!
- Hello.
Here it is! If I can just move
This is "Watercress Down".
"Watercress Down"?
Nice to conjure up the
image of the rabbit.
Mmm.
It tastes like honest food.
- It's artisan.
- Yeah.
But also, if you got served it during
the war, you'd understand.
I'm gonna say that's a, uh
I like any dish where you know
which way up it should be.
- Well, exactly.
- It helps.
A bit of zucchini wheel.
The hollandaise cargo.
- Cut through it alright. That was a relief.
- I think you'll find it's nicely done.
The cargo was exceptional.
OK, so, the penultimate course
"Ugli Fruit and
Vegetable Salad".
Mmm. First of all, ugli fruit is the
same as grapefruit, taste-wise.
- Same thing.
- OK.
The fennel has a horrible texture,
but the taste is admirable
and a welcome surprise.
Bear in mind, it's called an
"Ugli Fruit and Vegetable Salad".
You've done exactly that.
It's ugly in the mouth.
When you think it's all over,
this comes along.
So, presentation-wise,
it's exceptional.
Ah! I mean, that's lovely Edam.
Nothing's let you down.
It's an excellent meal.
Thank you, Frank.
Thank you.
Ah, I've changed my mind
about the music
because that's how to
present a xylophone.
I mean, it looked like a
genuinely delicious meal.
We've got a picture of whole meal.
Can we have a look at
the whole thing?
The main dish, it was called
"Beef au vin", so there
was a pun as well,
'cause it looked like a van.
There was a pun in every name.
Cheesy Music, Beef au vin,
Watercress Down
So much texture in that meal.
It's very, very different to Tim's.
I mean, this is the last task of the
series, and for good reason.
- I mean, Tim's was
- It was what it was.
It was what it was.
What I want to cook is rabbit
in white wine sauce.
What I'm going to cook is rabbit
in red wine and tequila
and Um Bongo.
This is gonna be good.
I wish I'd got some pasta.
Oh, God! I'm now making pasta.
Oh, God!
Dog food ravioli.
I'm gonna throw up.
This is pheasant.
Very gamey.
That tastes nice.
- Really?
- Mm-hm.
So, I can, see--
The letters. We've D for the
dog food, Q for quince.
There's obviously K for
Kettle Chips in the pasta.
As well as A for All-Bran.
C for cheese spread
You don't like it, do you?
Not easy.
It's not meant to be easy.
So, I've done it.
"I've done it" isn't a very
nice thing to say.
The pasta was the problem,
if anything.
It was very thick and, um, hairy.
See the hairs in it. I don't know
what the hairs are from.
I'll have a little
bit of the drink.
So, it's Um Bongo,
fizzy ice cubes
Yop and tequila.
It basically is Malibu.
That's lovely.
OK, so, the pie now.
And that's either rabbit or zebra.
That's less good, that one.
That one didn't taste nice.
If somebody served this to you,
you would not remain
in contact with them.
I've served it to you.
And so it ends.
The thing that was
impressive about Frank's
was the aesthetics of the meal,
so it'd be lovely if we could see
if Tim's nailed that as well.
If we could have a look at it
There was grapefruit in
every course. You called it
Do you remember the whole meal?
You called the meal, "Citric Faeces".
That was the title.
Am I right in thinking that every
course was a main course?
It was very medieval, but then it
had Um Bongo and All-Bran.
Yeah, I mean, I don't wanna
put words in your mouth,
but you've got to
admire my ambition.
He made his own pasta
out of nachos.
Man, it's difficult, because
yours was petrifying,
and I like to be
frightened when I eat.
I just love the first
thing that you said,
"This was actually quite tasty,"
and the chef went, "Really?"
It's up to you which you think is
the best meal. It's a difficult one.
Uh, the two pizzas
going in last.
The absolute lunacy of
Mr. Tim Key is going in third,
and Romesh is in second,
simple as that.
I mean, clearly the best meal
there, by a country mile,
was Mr. Frank Skinner,
the winner.
Oh, alright!
Marvellous!
And a special round of applause for
- Mr. Alex Horne, of course.
- Thanks, mate.
Very much going beyond
the assistant's role there.
First the paddling pool and
now eating dog food.
Oh, I forgot about that.
I should've marked you down. Too late.
See you after the break, everyone.
Welcome back to the fourth
part of Taskmaster,
where one of these comedians
will be walking away
with what they came with,
and some other rubbish.
Firstly I'd like to ask you, what
are the scores at this stage?
Good question.
So, Romesh is in third
on eight points,
but the two people who could
win it still are Tim and Frank
who are both on 13 points.
Also, anyone could still
win the series,
- except for Roisin and Tim.
- OK.
Seeing as they're all
wearing gloves,
can you, Alex, read out
the task, please?
OK. "Wearing boxing gloves,
put the blue sweets in
the empty bowl."
"Most blue sweets wins. Non-blue
sweets will be subtracted from your total."
"You have 100 seconds."
Can the floor get fucked up?
It doesn't say
Yeah, it doesn't say whether the
floor can get fucked up or not.
I've got my system!
Can you read it again, please?
Oh, get over your--
If you've seen The Crystal Maze,
it's a similar thing, but with
Smarties and boxing gloves.
No, I don't want you
paraphrasing it.
I wanna hear the actual task.
Wearing boxing gloves, Romesh, put
the blue sweets in the empty bowl.
- OK?
- Oh, OK. Yeah.
Most blue sweets wins. Non-blue
sweets will be subtracted from your total.
- Clear, Romesh?
- Sorry, Greg, can I just quickly say
I've got a cool technique.
OK, well, I mean the
rules are pretty clear
to anyone with a brain in their
head. When you're ready.
OK. Good luck, everyone.
Cheer for your favourites.
Shout some names out for us.
There's one. Frank's got one!
Frank has one.
Frank Skinner has one!
There's a pink one in there.
There is a pink.
We'll take away the non-blue
ones from your total.
Yeah, but it'll still be more than
what anyone else will have,
'cause I'll have the
whole bowl in there.
But you'll have more
non-blue than blue.
I'm willing to chance it.
This is looking pretty good!
That's pretty good!
That is pretty impressive.
Tim's bowl is still empty.
You have 50 seconds, Tim.
Forty-eight now.
25 seconds.
This is my new bowl,
so I'm taking it as a win.
25 seconds.
Ooooh!
Ten seconds.
It's over!
Alex, add up the blue sweets.
Everyone join me down here. Let's see
how that's affected the final scores.
Wonderful semi-competent
work from everyone.
Um, what were the final scores?
Well, amazingly, Roisin got
428 blue sweets into her bowl.
Whoa!
She also got 2,571 non-blue sweets.
So she scored −2,143.
Neck and neck.
Josh, you got 23 blues but 13
non-blues. So you scored 10.
Frank, 12 blues, one wrong. Eleven.
Romesh, 22 blues and ten
non-blues. You scored 12.
Tim Key, 21 blues and no non-blues.
Whoa!
Quite a victory.
How are you feeling?
Good. What does that
do to the scores?
That's what we're
about to find out.
Wow! What does that
do to the scores?
Tim Key has won his first
episode of Taskmaster.
Tim Key!
But not only is that the
end of the show.
It's also the end of the series.
And so it seems only right to
find out which contestant
won the most points
over all the episodes
and to present that person with
the inaugural Taskmaster trophy.
Alex, do some maths and tell us
Who is this series' overall winner?
There are two people tied
in second and third.
But as you can see here,
the overall winner
was Mr. Josh Widdicombe.
Josh Widdicombe!
Josh Widdicombe!
Thank you for watching,
and remember,
the task of the leader is to get
the people from where they are
to where they have not been.
You are my people.
Let's go somewhere nice this year.
Good night.
I'm not saying that this was
a last-minute purchase
But why is there a man doing
karate on the top?