Ted (2024) s01e06 Episode Script

1
[NORAH JONES' "EVERYBODY
NEEDS A BEST FRIEND"]
♪
My words are lazy ♪
My thoughts are hazy ♪
But this is one thing I'm sure of ♪
Everybody needs a best friend ♪
I'm happy I'm yours ♪
[BRIGHT MUSIC]
♪
B7.
- Miss.
- Again?
- Yup.
- Jesus, that's eight misses.
Yes, it is.
Did you put your ships in?
No, I did not.
What the fuck, dude?
While you were militarizing,
I allocated my funds
toward infrastructure
roads and bridges, schools
and hospitals, John.
The needs of my people.
That's not how the game works.
It's not a game, you son of a bitch!
Jesus, okay.
Sorry, I think I've been
watching too much "M.A.S.H."
Boys, come upstairs.
It's cookie-frosting time.
[SIGHS]
- We gonna do this?
- Lori Loughlin's on "Oprah" at 3:00,
so I was gonna jerk off.
But I guess I can tape it.
You're a good son.
[TIMER DINGS]
♪
- Oh, hey, Sarah.
- Hey, Ted.
How's the pot business?
The crock pot business
is doing just fine, thanks.
Sarah, I don't think
you've met my cousin John.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Sarah's Blaire's friend from college.
Her trip to California was canceled,
so she's staying with us for Christmas.
She's [WITH INDIAN ACCENT] Indian.
Aunt Suze, you
you don't have to say that.
[NORMALLY] Oh, I don't mind.
Sarah shouldn't have to
tell people she's Indian.
Thank you.
Aren't you glad you stayed for this?
- Mm.
- Okay, tools
Oh, thank you.
For my little assistants here.
Do you want to make the
colostomy bag joke, or should I?
Well, Sarah is the guest.
Sarah, would you like to
make the colostomy bag joke?
I'm all good. Thanks.
Johnny, I need you outside.
There's a raccoon frozen in
the ice next to the driveway.
I got to chip him out of there.
Well, what do you need me for?
Need you to bag up the
pieces for the homeless.
Wait, do you only give
stuff to the homeless
when you don't want to go to the dump?
Matty, honey, this is Sarah,
Blaire's Indian friend.
Aunt Suze, you really
don't have to add that.
I had Indian food once.
Blew right through me.
I'll pass that on up the ladder.
Do what you want to do.
I'm just telling you what happened.
All right, John, let's go.
Well, actually, I'm helping
Mom frost the cookies.
- Well, you can do that later.
- She asked him first, Matty.
- You can wait your turn.
- Are you kidding me?
Jesus Christ, when I was your age,
I would have killed to
shovel ice with my dad.
Yeah, I can see how
chopping up a dead raccoon
would be a father-son memory maker.
So you're not gonna help?
Well, I got a lot of
cookies to frost, Dad.
[SCOFFS] Spoken like a real man.
Which means what?
No, no, no, no, it's
fine. You know what?
Stay here and frost your
cookies with the ladies.
Maybe we can go see
a Broadway show after.
Oh, Matty, could we?
So your implication is
that John is, what, gay
because he's frosting cookies?
Susan, help me out here.
Look at that.
Is that an elf with his big candy cane?
No, it's a barber pole.
The elf just got a haircut.
Oh, I love it.
Oh, Matty, come look
at the elf's haircut.
Fuck, Jesus Christ!
You know, when I was just
a little bit older than you,
I was in Vietnam.
Did I ever tell you about the time
I thought I saw a clown in a field
but it was just an inside-out guy?
Know what? Forget it.
Frost your gay cookies.
Did he just call you gay
and then angrily toss his
scarf over his shoulder?
- Yup.
- Maybe he's still figuring shit out.
Well, it is always the homophobes.
You know, I never understood that word.
- What word?
- "Homophobe."
It's prejudice against gay people.
Yeah, but, like, shouldn't it mean,
like, scared of gay people?
Yeah, I've always wondered that too.
Like, every other
phobe is, like, scared.
That is what "homophobe" means.
No, no, but it's
it is different, right?
Like, in "Arachnophobia," Jeff Daniels
is scared of spiders because he thinks
they're gonna, like, hurt him
or, like, kill him or something.
Yeah, it's not like,
oh, I'm scared of spiders
'cause I think they're
gonna make me a spider
or they're gonna take over the school
and teach spider stuff.
- Stop talking.
- I mean, if I was a homophobe,
wouldn't I see a gay guy
and be like, aah, a gay guy!
Run!
Is the bear always like this?
I'm so sorry.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
Whew!
Didn't even run that far. [CHUCKLES]
[PANTING]
So Bollywood,
is that you guys?
♪
Come on, Matty, we're
gonna be late for church.
No, I'm taking the week off.
Pats are playing Buffalo.
But it's the last Sunday
service before Christmas Eve.
And Father Odell says that if you don't
cultivate a relationship with God,
you're going to hell.
Can't be worse than one of his sermons.
Well, if he's that boring,
then why is the Boston
Globe Spotlight
doing a big story on him?
Matty, Susan has a choir solo today.
I'll be at the next one,
all right? I promise.
Jesus, it's 45 fucking minutes.
- You can't do this for her?
- Oh, it's all right.
He works hard all week.
If he wants to rest on
a Sunday, let him rest.
It's what the Lord did.
No, it's not all right, though.
He's acting like a selfish jerk.
I'm selfish?
Wait a minute. I work 60 hours a week
so that you guys can have a fridge
full of Eggos and Fanta.
He's right.
We do take the Fanta for granted.
- Here you go, Mom.
- Oh, thank you, sweetie.
Yeah.
Hey, what's that?
Oh, it's the toys for the
Toys for Tots gift drive.
That's Dennis the dump truck.
- Uh-huh.
- You can't give him away.
Well, it's been in
our basement for years.
Yeah, but I've had
him since I was a kid.
That means a lot to me.
You named your dump truck Dennis?
Keep my truck's name out your mouth.
Oh, honey, but you never play with it.
Well well, I'm gonna
I'm gonna start playing with him.
Oh, you're gonna start playing
with it now at fucking 50?
Yes, I'm gonna
I'm gonna start playing
with him all the time.
Starting right now. See?
Vroom, vroom.
Oh, yeah, we'll deliver that peat moss.
Yeah, we will. Vroom.
- Hey, that looks fun.
- Yeah, can we play?
- No.
- Aw.
Vroom, vroom.
What the fuck is happening?
Vroom.
- Why are you still here?
- Her flight was canceled,
so she's staying with us for Christmas.
Hang on a second.
We got company here
for the whole holidays
and nobody even asked me?
I can find somewhere else
to stay if it's a problem.
No. Please, no.
- No. Absolutely not.
- Susan said it's fine. Don't worry about him.
What, I don't get a say in my own house?
Oh, Matty, I think you're
being a little silly about this.
Nobody ever takes my
side in this house ever!
It's always me against everybody else.
Well, maybe somebody
would take your side
if you weren't always
spreading your shitty mood
- all over the house.
- Fine!
Your friend can stay for the week.
Go have fun at church. See? I'm nice.
Thank you so much, Mr. Scrooge.
And God bless us, every one.
Well, at least Scrooge
was a good businessman.
Yeah, and Tiny Tim's
condition was preexisting.
Scrooge shouldn't have to cover it.
- Exactly!
- Can I play with the truck?
- No.
- Aw.
["SILENT NIGHT" PLAYING ON ORGAN]
♪
Silent night ♪
Holy night ♪
All is calm ♪
All is bright ♪
Round yon virgin ♪
Mother and child ♪
Holy infant ♪
So tender and mild ♪
Wait, who describes an infant as mild?
Yeah, I'm more hung up on tender.
Yeah, somebody's eating this baby.
Peace ♪
Sleep in heavenly ♪
Peace ♪
Thank you to the choir
and to Susan Bennett
for that wonderful solo.
Where's Matty?
Oh, he wasn't feeling well today.
It's important that we remember just why
we celebrate Christmas.
We observe the holiest of all days
to rejoice in the glory of
the birth of Jesus Christ,
born not from the seed of man
but from divine origin.
Never before or since
have we, God's children,
been blessed by such a miracle.
Excuse me.
Yeah, over here.
Hi. Ted, local bear.
You're talking about a guy who
came alive out of nowhere, right?
- Yes.
- Yeah, me.
- I'm sorry?
- I'm just saying, he's not the only one.
I don't think that's the same thing.
Well, you said, never before or since.
But [CHUCKLES] You know, this guy.
The birth of Christ
was a heavenly miracle.
I mean, what do you call this?
I mean, I don't see any Pound Puppies
or Monchhichis walking around.
Christ's birth was
clearly ordained by God,
marked by the star of Bethlehem,
a miraculous beacon from the heavens.
- There was a star there.
- There was a star, right?
Yeah, no, it was a shooting star.
- I had a star.
- Yeah.
Jesus had a divine purpose.
God sent him to us to spread
the word that He loves us.
I love you.
Your move, Friar Tuck.
I just want to finish the sermon.
I'm just saying, I might be Jesus.
Might. I'm not saying for sure.
I'm just saying it's a possibility.
I might be Jesus.
That is incredibly disrespectful.
Says the guy eating babies.
So third and 10.
There he goes.
[CROWD YELLING]
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
Fucking Patriots!
You see that, Dennis?
[GROANS]
Why couldn't I have
been born in Buffalo?
I'd be winning every year.
God! Buffalo has it all.
Let's leave something
special for Santa this year:
Jell-O Pudding Pops!
CHILDREN: Yay!
Santa's gonna love it.
Happy holidays from
Jell-O Pudding Pops!
[TV CLICKS OFF]
Bet Bill Cosby's
having a good Christmas.
Bet he doesn't have to
deal with a bunch of women
telling him he's a jerk.
You know, used to be, the man
of the house said his piece,
everybody just fell in line.
Now it's like fucking
"Jerry Springer" in here.
Bet if you could talk,
you'd take my side.
Have another beer,
Matty. You've earned it.
Ah, well, thanks, Dennis.
I think I will.
And and and take
your socks off, Matty.
I don't mind the smell of your feet
because I know that's not
something you can control.
Well, I appreciate that, Dennis.
Thank you. Thank you.
Hey, Matty. Yeah?
Shouldn't there be a
White History Month too?
Well, Dennis, you said it, not me.
[BRIGHT MUSIC]
♪
Ah!
That was a hell of a floss.
Nothing feels better than
getting stuff out of places, right?
Let me know when you want to take a run
at that ingrown hair on my neck.
Am I still getting the silent treatment?
Look, I already said I'm
sorry I missed your solo.
You know I can't sit on wood.
It aggravates my hemorrhoids.
Oh, so my hemorrhoids are
my fault, too, I guess, huh?
It ain't the post
office down there, Susan.
This stuff doesn't
just show up on its own.
There's effort involved.
Might get one of those
one of those doughnut pillows.
No. You know what?
You don't get to hear about it.
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC]
♪
[SIGHS]
♪
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
♪
[GRUNTS]
Hey!
You wished me to life, fuck face!
[BRIGHT MUSIC]
♪
How the hell did this happen?
Just like it happened with Ted.
I was looking out the window.
Shooting star flies by.
- I made a wish.
- And here I am.
Is this house cursed?
Hey, Susan, can I smoke in here?
If he smokes, I get to smoke.
I'm sorry, Dennis, if I let you smoke,
I'll have to let all the toys smoke.
Yeah, fuck.
Hey, can I ask you something?
How did it feel for you?
Yeah, one minute, nothing.
The next, I can talk.
Was there a feeling like
acid reflux, like, right after?
Oh, yeah, bad.
It also felt like I had
to pee, but I couldn't.
Yup. Same here.
Must be what happens
when toys come to life.
So you just wished for
your truck to come alive?
Not exactly.
I wished there was someone in the house
who'd back me up in an argument.
Next thing I know, I could move
and I hated the fucking Yankees.
Well, I guess it's a Christmas miracle.
So, like, were there murders here?
Like, was a grave desecrated?
Jesus Christ, look
at this. Look at this.
They're giving free
visas to tech workers.
Oh, fucking A. They're coming.
- Who?
- Immigrants.
Oh, for fuck's sake. Really? Him too?
Yeah, those affirmative action bozos
are probably jumping for joy.
No shit, watching them
take all the goddamn jobs.
You do know affirmative action
isn't about taking things away, right?
It's about including people
who've been discriminated against.
- Oh, come on!
- Oh, here we go again with this again.
What a bunch of bullshit.
So you're saying we
should give people jobs
based on the color of their skin.
I'm saying that things have
been unequal for centuries
and we should balance the scales.
So yeah.
Okay, see, now, that's racist.
You're the one who's defending
a white-dominated workforce.
Hey, I don't care if they're purple,
green, or orange, all right?
I just don't want them
Black, brown, or yellow.
- Oh, my God, dude, really?
- Whoa, Jesus, dude.
Come on, it's a fucking joke. Relax.
Okay, look, brown person over here.
Just FYI, my parents
moved here from India,
and they built a very successful
business all on their own.
And they had to work
twice as hard to do it.
Business owners. All right. Okay.
Your parents vote for Clinton or Bush?
Well, I mean, they
voted for Bush, but I
- Holy shit!
- Ah, see, there it is.
- There it is.
- Check-fucking-mate! See?
This is why Dennis.
This is why Dennis!
But I voted for Clinton.
You know what this is?
Fucking Republicans.
I swear to God, all you guys care about
is winning the argument.
You don't care about
actual change or justice.
It's all about feeling fake
smart for, like, two seconds.
Let me ask you this.
What about the world beyond you?
What about other people and their needs?
Jesus, what are you
getting all mad about?
You got two broads on
the Supreme Court now.
- You're winning.
- Yeah, there you go, right?
Two out of nine is pretty darn good.
Okay. You know what?
I am used to taking
this crap from Matty,
but I'm not gonna take it
from some random piece of shit
that just came to life.
- No offense, Ted.
- All good.
Come on. Let's go.
So we just don't care
that I'm Jesus, huh?
- Mm.
- Oh, my God.
Hi.
I was just checking to
see if you're okay after
Well, it looks like you're okay.
Wait, wait, Aunt Suze.
There's something you should know.
What?
Me and Sarah are
- We're a couple, like, dating.
- Yeah.
No.
- BOTH: Yeah.
- No.
You're just very good friends.
- No.
- No, that's not
- what you just saw
- What I saw
was you expressing your good friendship,
just like the girls on the tennis team
used to do when I was in school.
You know what?
Maybe you're right.
Maybe that's for the best.
We're just really good friends.
[CHUCKLES] Wait. What?
Sarah, people in this
house think Liberace
just had a lot of personality, okay?
I think good friends is
as far as they're gonna go.
Gosh, that Liberace sure
was full of spunk, wasn't he?
Blaire, no, okay?
I'm tired of this. We keep
hiding it everywhere we go.
- I know.
- It's bullshit.
Okay, well, you think my
uncle's gonna be cool
- with this?
- Oh, come on.
- Especially with Dennis around?
- Who gives a fuck what he thinks?
And why should I care what
a fucking toy dump truck
thinks about my sexuality?
There's a sentence you
don't hear every day.
Wouldn't it be easier to just tell them
we're more than good friends?
I really think that if
we just take a minute,
we'd be saving ourselves
a lot of stress,
all right, at least
till after Christmas.
We have very little
going on January 3rd.
Great.
Yeah, that works.
- All right.
- Thank you, Suze.
January 3rd, put it on the calendar.
[SIGHS]
Oh, my God, did I tell you
somebody broke into my car
and whacked off on the dashboard?
Yes, like, 50 fucking times.
Right. Fuck, Sarah, it's the holidays.
Can we not turn on each other?
Fine. Let me braid your hair.
Thank you.
Okay, we can't read this whole thing.
Well, if we're gonna figure
out if I'm actually Jesus,
we at least got to skim it.
I have never seen pages so thin.
I know. It's like Kleenex
with boring stories on it.
You know, I was thinking.
How do we know that Dennis isn't Jesus?
Johnny, Jesus walked on
water, all right? Walked!
That means he had feet, not wheels.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Oh, wait, hang on.
Stop right there. Look, look, look.
Matthew 21:31,
"Truly I say to you,
the tax collectors and prostitutes
go into the kingdom
of heaven before you."
Look at that.
Jesus hangs out with hookers.
Yeah, and he says there's
hookers in heaven too.
He sounds a lot like you.
Oh, yeah, heaven is
probably mostly hookers.
Wait, so you're paying
for sex in heaven?
You're not paying them for sex.
You're paying them to fly away.
Oh. Let's see.
"And behold, I come quickly,
and my reward is with me to give"
What was that first part?
"Behold, I come quickly."
- Jesus said that?
- Yeah.
Yeah, that's not the kind of
thing I'd start with "behold."
What else?
Well, look, look, look.
Right there. Right there.
John the apostle.
Jesus had an apostle named John.
Holy shit.
Those were, like, his buddies, right?
Yeah, yeah, there was
Sleepy, Sneezy, Dopey,
Johnny, Blitzen,
and Larry, Darryl, and Darryl.
There's no doubt anymore.
I'm the Lord Jesus Christ.
Holy shit.
Does this mean you have,
like, powers and stuff?
Yeah, but I probably got
to learn how to use them.
Flip to the spells.
- Okay, spells, spells, spells.
- Spells, spells, spells.
Wonder what my alignment is.
- Chaotic good.
- Ah, yeah, yeah.
Good, but, like, you know, I might
- fuck around a little bit.
- Yeah.
Shit, we supposed to have dice?
[LIGHT MUSIC]
♪
Hey, Matty, a Jew, a Polack,
and a Black guy walk into a bar
- Oh, my fucking God. Really?
- Wow.
Hey, watch the language.
Tell your stupid truck that.
He's telling racist jokes.
I'm not racist.
The punch line wasn't gonna
be about the Black guy.
It was gonna be about the Jew
and, to a lesser
extent, about the Polack
and a little bit about
the Black guy's penis.
- See?
- The point is,
none of them knew how
deep the water was.
Ow! Hey! This is assault!
I'm being assaulted here!
So much for the nonviolent left.
It's Christmas Eve.
Can't we just have a
nice dinner together?
Yes, we can.
It's a beautiful ham, Aunt Susan.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, everything looks really great.
Thank you, girls. Thank you.
- You want some of this?
- Yes, please.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey!
- What? What? What?
It's Christmas Eve.
We got to say grace, thank the Lord.
- You're welcome.
- [SIGHS] Fine.
Dennis, would you like to do the honors?
Absolutely. Bow your heads.
- Dear Lord
- Yes.
- Thank you for this food
- No problem.
- And for these blessings
- Anytime.
- Make us thankful.
- On it.
- And may we serve you
- Mashed potatoes.
What the fuck? You want to say grace?
- Nah, I'd feel like an asshole.
- Amen.
Oh, that was just beautiful, Dennis.
Now you can eat.
Oh, yeah, thank you so
much for your permission.
Hey, you know, I hope
the PC thought police
over at that college don't kick you out
for praying to Jesus.
You know, 70% of the world
doesn't even believe in Jesus.
- I'll get them.
- Yeah, those are
all the starving countries with no food.
Oh, so God loves Americans
more, is that the theory?
Yeah, not for long if Slick Willy
fucks things up by putting
gays in the military.
For God's sake, what would Reagan say?
[SCOFFS] Right now?
Probably something
about choo-choo trains.
Would anyone like some mushroom caps?
Uncle Matty, do you agree with Dennis
- that gay people shouldn't serve?
- I think it's a bad idea.
- Why?
- You want to put a gay guy
in a barracks with 20 regular guys?
What happens when
they all got to shower?
I don't know, Matty. What happens?
Plus, the Bible says
no butt stuff, or you go to hell.
Hey, where's the spell section?
So it's immoral too?
Gay people should all go to hell,
that's what you think?
Listen, I don't care!
Anybody can stick anything
anywhere they want,
as long as it's not in the
army and not in my house.
Well, then I guess Sarah
and I aren't welcome here.
What do you mean?
Sarah and I are a couple.
- Called it, Johnny.
- Motherfucker.
Blaire, I thought we were
gonna do this on January 3rd.
Wait a minute.
You the two of you?
- Oh, my God.
- Mm.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey!
What the fuck is this?
What are you gonna do about it?
You're gay?
- Fluid.
- What the hell does that mean?
It means that I'm
attracted to personalities
regardless of their gender.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
You're attracted to personalities,
and you picked her?
- Hey!
- Oh, fuck you.
You've met six people.
It's that college.
- It's that college!
- Oh, my God.
Susan, what am I always saying?
College turns people gay.
College turns people gay.
Absolutely right!
Out there on the lawn every weekend,
tossing the Frisbee around.
How the fuck is Frisbee gay?
It's a sport where nobody wins.
It's only about the fun.
- So what?
- And what's this?
What's this, doing
this all the time, huh?
That's not a man's sport.
You might as well be on a balcony
waving goodbye to your lover.
Making those clap catches,
like you're front row at Elton John.
Oh, the clap catch.
Yeah, clap catching
your Wham-O Frisbee.
You know why it's called Wham-O?
You turn around, you
bend over to pick up
- up your Frisbee, and wham-o!
- Oh, you know what?
You wish you were a
Frisbee, you little shit.
And I'm so sorry that
our sexual orientation
is so offensive to everyone.
Merry fucking Christmas.
- Come on, Sarah.
- Blaire.
- Blaire, honey, wait.
- Thank you.
Matty, please apologize to her.
- Me?
- Yes, you.
She should be apologizing to God.
Oh, he says it's fine. No worries.
But it's the holidays.
I'm not gonna apologize to her!
She just made a spectacle
in front of the entire family
and in front of the ham!
Well, you know what?
This is my ham, and you're
not having a piece of the ham
until you say you're sorry.
You know what? I don't need any ham!
I got all the Slim Jims
I need in the basement!
- Come on, Dennis.
- Good call, Buddy.
All I wanted was a nice Christmas.
Okay, what do you say we try
one of them spells, huh?
Water into wine, here we go.
Meka leka hi, meka hiney ho.
Meka leka hi, meka chiney ho.
All right, try it.
- Still water.
- Fuck!
Oh, you know what?
It's 'cause we don't have the wand.
[SOFT MUSIC]
♪
- [KNOCK AT DOOR]
- [SIGHS]
What?
Hey, we brought you some
ham in case you're still hungry.
- Where is it?
- Oh.
Yeah, it's touching a five, so
- Oh, look at that.
- [GRUNTS] What do you guys want?
We just wanted to see how you're doing.
- Shitty.
- Wait, you're leaving?
Yeah, I thought I'd go somewhere
a little more tolerant,
like Iran.
Listen, Blaire,
we just wanted to say, you know,
Teddy and I are totally
cool with you being
you know, just in case
you were wondering.
I don't need your approval.
No. Yeah, I know that, but
No, I sorry, I get what you meant.
- Thanks.
- Cool.
I mean, we love lesbians.
Yeah, like, a lot.
Like, we found some
magazines in the woods
I get it.
Question and I hope
I'm not out of line here
but is it 'cause
I mean, did you get a bad dick?
Yeah, that's not how it works.
Look, I'm not 100% one way or the other.
I just I'm attracted
to who I'm attracted to.
Also, I got a bad dick. [LAUGHTER]
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, that's awesome.
- That's awesome.
- Ah, no.
That's just a comedy
freebie for you guys.
- It's bullshit, all right?
- Thank you.
Thank you for the Christmas dick joke.
[GROANS]
Shit.
I mean, how the fuck am I
supposed to share a house
with somebody who treats me like
I have some fucking disease?
Guess there's no chance
he's gonna apologize.
You know, if I can offer
a bit of Christly wisdom, Blaire?
You're smarter than he is,
so you might have to go talk to him.
Oh, fuck that.
I am not extending an
olive branch to somebody
who's against basic equality.
Well, that's the thing, Blaire.
I don't think he's really
even against anything.
Think he just didn't want to
look stupid in front of his truck.
[SCOFFS] Listen to yourself!
Okay, then don't do it for Dad.
Do it for Mom.
Look, she's really bummed out right now,
and it's all just 'cause
Christmas is messed up.
Look, I know it's gonna suck, but
But it's like I say in
the book of Romulans:
Turn the other cheek.
Do unto others.
Say it, don't spray it.
I'll have what she's having.
You're an idiot.
Oh, what do we say to that, Apostle?
- Four hell points.
- Four hell points.
What the fuck is a hell point?
It's how I determine which
of my children, who I love,
will be tortured forever.
Oh, God.
Ugh, all right, all right, I'll
I'll talk to him.
Usually a day or two in traction
Now, wait a minute,
Frank, I'm the doctor here.
I thought I was the doctor here.
Actually, we're all doctors here.
Even the patient's a doctor here.
Hear, hear.
Will you clowns act like professionals?
All right, I got one for you.
So an airplane's about to crash, right?
A woman stands up, takes
off her clothes, and yells,
we're all gonna die!
Someone make me feel like a real woman!
The guy sitting next to
her takes off his shirt,
and he says, here, iron this.
- [CACKLES]
- Right?
- Yeah, right.
- That's a good one.
Yeah, see, that's how
it's gonna be down here.
Just you and me and jokes
about chicks doing chores.
Matty?
Oh, boy, here comes Raggedy Lesbi-Ann.
[SIGHS] Dennis, I'd
like to talk to my uncle.
Can you give us a second?
Hey, anything you want to say to me,
you can say in front of Dennis here.
[SIGHS]
Fine.
Look, I don't expect us to
agree on politics, all right?
That's just never gonna happen.
But this isn't about politics.
This is about who I am.
Matty
like it or not, we're family.
I don't talk to my parents anymore,
so you and Aunt Suze are all I've got.
I don't want to lose you too.
I'm your niece, and I just
I just think it's really fucking shitty
and unfair that you can't
accept me for who I am.
Hey, it's Christmas
Eve, not Christmas Steve.
So all the fucked-up
things that he says,
is that really what you think too?
Don't back down, Matty.
This is your house.
Well, then I guess you're an
intolerant prick, just like he is.
Have a good Christmas with truck Hitler.
I'm out of here.
Jesus, they always bring up Hitler
when they're losing an argument.
And by the way, not
everything he did was
I need another beer.
Why didn't you tell her off?
What the hell was I supposed to say?
You remind her who pays
the bills around here.
You tell her to stop
giving God the finger.
Ah. You don't know nothing.
Oh, no shit?
Well, now I see why
Johnny's the way he is.
- What do you mean?
- Your son is 16.
He ain't got a girlfriend.
He doesn't play sports.
He spends all of his time
in his room with a teddy bear
doing fuck knows what.
- For all you know, he's minty.
- Minty?
What the fuck is minty?
You know, he's trimming
the crust off the bread.
- What?
- He's raking his leaves at night.
He ain't throwing away
all his peach pits,
if you know what I'm saying.
I don't have a fucking clue.
He's picking his eggshells
out of the compost.
Come on, you know what I mean.
Your kid's a cheese puncher.
Hey, don't talk to me
about my son, you asshole!
Whoa, whoa, hey, hey, I'm
the only one in this house
who doesn't lie to you.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER TV]
I know what I'm gonna do.
- Great. Let's go.
- You stay here.
Hey, can you change
the channel to the game?
Ah, look at this.
Fucking Clinton.
You guys in separate beds?
Yeah.
Good.
[SIGHS]
[ENGINE GRINDING]
What?
I grew up different.
I'm
but I'm not one of those guys.
I mean, I don't understand
how you can do what you do
- Okay.
- But but but
I don't want you to feel
unwelcome in my house.
Uh-huh.
I'm not great with this stuff.
But
It's good that you're here
for John.
Sure.
The other day, I farted,
and he said it was pungent.
And I guess that's a word.
So he's learning stuff
with you around.
And Christmas is just a
whole thing for Susan too.
So yeah, she wants you here.
And I
I don't want to be a shitty uncle.
I'm sorry.
I'm not the only one you disrespected.
Sarah
you're invited to Christmas.
And I'm sorry that I
called you a terrorist.
You you never called me that.
Oh, that's right. You
were out of the room.
[SIGHS]
Well, what about Dennis?
I guess he's got to go.
Son of a bitch.
Hey.
Dennis?
[SHOUTS]
[GRUNTS]
[YELLS]
I'm the one you're gonna get rid of,
you piece-of-shit fuck face?
Jesus, what the fuck are
you trying to do, kill me?
I come to life for you, and
this is the thanks I get?
- Huh?
- [GRUNTS]
What have you got to say for yourself?
I don't want to kick you out, Dennis,
but my family comes first!
Oh, come the fuck on.
It ain't worked out with you
the way I thought it would.
I backed you up every
time, just like you wanted.
I didn't want to make my
niece cry, for God's sakes.
Why you got to be such a prick?
Oh, what, so now you're on her side?
I'm not on anybody's side.
But she's not hurting
anybody, God damn it.
It's hurting society.
This is why Kennedy blew
his own brains out in Dallas.
What the fuck?
Oh, don't be naive.
What the hell is your problem?
Oh, oh, I'm the one with the problem?
Yeah. Why the fuck are
you digging in like this?
- I want to know.
- You want to know why, Matty?
- Yeah.
- You want to know why?
- Why?
- Because I have thoughts of men!
What?
I have thoughts of men.
Sexual thoughts.
I want to do to men
what you want to do to women.
- You're saying
- I'm gay, Matty.
I'm gay.
Oh.
God, I
I can't believe I just said it.
- Uh
- Ah, shit!
What the fuck have I been doing?
I've wasted my whole goddamn life,
three days down the drain,
and I've never allowed myself to love.
[SOBS, SNIFFLES]
- Well, I mean
- [SOBBING]
- You could always
- Ah, it's too late now.
I'm old and I'm rusty.
I don't know what to do, Matty.
I don't know what to do or
who to be or how to be it.
[SOBBING]
Oh, God.
When I was a kid
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
You were always there for me.
♪
Well, I'm gonna be there for you.
[SOBBING]
♪
I love you, pal.
[SOBBING]
♪
So I guess this is it.
Yeah.
Thanks, Dennis.
For what?
All those years growing up.
Mom and Dad fighting in the other room.
Hell, fighting in the same room.
Playing with you was
what got me through it.
Nuh-uh. Thank you, Matty,
for being who you are.
I don't think there's
a more tolerant man
in the greater Boston area.
That's probably true.
You sure you don't
want a sweater, Dennis?
No, no. I work hard on my body.
I want everyone to see it.
So where you gonna go?
I'm going to P-Town.
Got a lot of catching up to do.
Gonna be wild, nonstop sucking, fucking,
and trucking for this guy.
Goodbye, Bennetts.
[UPLIFTING MUSIC]
♪
Well, I Jesus-ed the
shit out of that one.
You? You didn't do anything.
- Eh, I worked in mysterious ways.
- How?
Where there was only
one set of footprints,
that's where I carried you.
You watched 18 hours of TV yesterday.
You barely moved.
When it most appears I'm not Jesus,
that's when you need faith.
Ted, you do know what
happened to Jesus, right?
Yeah, he gave back the Gobstopper,
and they gave him the chocolate factory.
I mean, I think that's what happened.
I'm reading, like, two books at once.
They nailed him to the cross
and crucified him for our sins.
- Wait, what?
- It was so nice of him
to let them do that for us, wasn't it?
- They killed him?
- Yeah.
Oh, shit. Yeah, fuck that. I'm out.
Wait, maybe I'm Buddha.
Buddha was lazy, right?
Sleigh bells ring ♪
This is a lot of good shit.
Thanks, Mom. Thanks, Dad.
Oh, you're welcome, John-John.
Hey, thanks for this, Johnny.
I been wanting a Talkboy.
Now I can record all my thoughts.
Douche.
Douche.
Now I won't forget.
Blaire, open that one
up. That one's from me.
Walking in a winter wonderland ♪
Gingerly.
Gone away is the bluebird ♪
Oh wow.
I know how much you girls love
those "Beverly Hills 90210" boys.
Ian Ziering.
Thank you.
It's for your room.
Yeah, no, I know what it's for.
Thank you, Aunt Suze.
Should we go hang it up right now?
Oh, you know what?
I want to think really hard
about where I want to put it, you know?
- Okay.
- It's just too special, so
All right.
- You happy, Susan?
- Oh, Matty, I'm so happy. I love it.
Yeah, they said this one
had the most sucking power.
I'm sure it sucks wonderfully.
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, you know what?
I almost forgot.
- There's one more.
- When you're in town ♪
Later on, we'll conspire ♪
As we dream ♪
Merry Christmas, Susan.
By the fire ♪
To face unafraid the
plans that we made ♪
Walking in a winter wonderland ♪
[GASPS]
♪
A karaoke machine!
Yeah, I figured you could sing
you know, your solo.
♪
I love you so much.
Oh, honey, thank you.
Oh.
["SILENT NIGHT" PLAYING]
♪
Silent night ♪
Holy night ♪
All is calm ♪
All is bright ♪
Round yon virgin ♪
Mother and child ♪
Holy infant ♪
So tender and mild ♪
Sleep in heavenly ♪
Peace ♪
Sleep ♪
In heavenly peace ♪
[NORAH JONES' "EVERYBODY
NEEDS A BEST FRIEND"]
Oh, you've got a headful
of someone dreadful ♪
And yet, alas, that
someone adores you ♪
♪
Everybody needs a best friend ♪
I'm happy I'm yours ♪
I'm just a clown ♪
And I'll bring you down ♪
But you just don't care 'cause your ♪
Best friend is me ♪
♪