Ted Lasso (2020) s01e06 Episode Script

1 Oh, boy.
Morning, fellas.
Sorry I'm late.
You know, just needed to clear my head so I decided to, you know, walk to work.
Turns out that clearing and walking in a town you don't know all too well can be a little tricky.
Ended up getting lost but, you know, then I got unlost, then I got lost again but Well, you know, now I'm here, you know.
Beard's here, Nate's here, which is great because the world can be a sad, lonely place, but Hey, come on now, let's get to work, shall we? - Michelle.
- Oh.
Which is fine.
You know, it's okay, 'cause it's a great time now for me to, you know, bury myself in, uh, in my work here.
And so Although, I'm not crazy I don't love the word "bury", you know what I mean? It's just got a negative connotation to it, don't it? What's another word I could say? Everyone loves a good bath, right? Just a nice warm bath, right? Yeah? So that's what I'll say.
I'll say, "I'm gonna bathe myself in work".
How 'bout that? That's good.
That's good.
Nate, you got a favorite bath bomb, buddy? No, I just don't really enjoy baths, just 'cause my skin gets really wrinkly, and I'm-I'm deeply worried about aging.
Okay, I get that.
What about you, Coach? You got a favorite bath bomb? Crème brûlée honey.
Honey? Is that an ingredient or something you just called me? - Ingredient.
- Shoot.
I was hoping it was the other one.
But that's kind of a fun idea.
Maybe we start calling each other little pet names.
You know? Uh, like "honey" or "babe", you know? It might be nice, right? What do you think, Coach? - Mm - Nate, will you do me a favor here? Will you just help Coach, uh, plan practice for today? - Absolutely.
Yeah.
- All right.
Thank you, sweetie.
Okay, uh, I'll see y'all in a little bit.
- Is he all right? - No.
All right.
Shall we? Uh, Sarah, why don't you lead us off? So, Coach Lasso.
You finally won your first match.
How's it feel? Well, Sarah, I believe you can outscore your opponent and still lose.
Just like you can score less than them and win.
But last week we definitely won, which is pretty darn fun.
All right, uh, next question.
Uh, Trent Crimm, The Independent.
Trent Crimm, The Independent.
Is it safe to assume that Jamie Tartt will be back on the pitch next match? Well, you know what they say when you assume, Trent? You make an arse outta you and me.
Yeah? And that right there is another example of how our English and y'all's English sometimes do not jive, innit? But are you honestly gonna keep your best player on the bench? Well, that depends on Jamie.
He knows what we need from him.
Let's keep it going, yeah? Kip, come on, hit me.
- Ah.
Ted.
Just the man I wanted to see.
- Hey, boss.
Your decision to bench Jamie Tartt was very brave.
- Thank you.
- I mean, a masterstroke.
I don't think we're allowed to talk like that at work anymore.
There's just one complication now.
Manchester City have called, and they've inquired about terminating Jamie's loan.
- They're gonna take his house? - No.
Ted, Jamie's contract is owned by Manchester City, and they, in turn, loaned him to Richmond for the season.
Oh! Okay.
I get it.
They want Jamie back if you are planning to bench him.
I'm not planning on that.
No, my plan is for my plan to work.
But you know what they say about the best-laid plans, right? Mm.
Said "plan" too many times.
Word's lost all its meaning now.
Plan.
Plan.
Plan.
Doesn't matter.
Hey, you tell Man City that this man has a plan.
- Plan.
Plan.
Plan? - Plan.
- Plan? - Not plan.
- Plan.
- Like "flan".
Plan.
Flan? That dessert? - Yes, like "flan".
- Yuck.
No, I don't dig on flan.
Plan.
Plan.
Plan.
Plan? - Word become a sound? - What's that called again? - Semantic satiation.
- Yeah.
Okay.
All right.
Is that new kid from Mexico here yet? - Oh, he's getting treatment on his knee.
- Okay, good.
- What's his name again? - Dani Rojas.
Yeah.
It's a great name.
Okay.
How's Jamie doing? What? Says he can't practice today.
Says he's hurt.
Oh, boy.
Hey, Jamie.
I heard you're not gonna be able to run with us today.
That true? Yep.
Why's that? 'Cause I'm hurt.
Hm.
Really sorry to hear that.
Relax, Ted.
It's just practice.
Hey.
If you can't practice, you can't practice.
If you're hurt, you're hurt.
It's as simple as that.
But it ain't about that at all.
You're sitting in here.
You're supposed to be the franchise player.
And yet here we are, talking about you missing practice.
We're talking about practice.
You understand me? Practice.
Not a game.
Not a game.
Not the game you go out there and die for.
Right? Play every weekend like it's your last, right? No, we're talking about practice, man.
Practice! You know you're supposed to be out there.
You know you're supposed to lead by example.
You're just shoving that all aside.
And so here we are, Jamie.
We're talking about practice.
Not a game.
Not the game.
We're talking about practice, with your team.
With your teammates.
The only place we get to play together, we got control over.
Rest of the time it's us 11 against those 11.
We're talking about practice, man! I'm talking about practice! And you can't do it 'cause you're hurt.
Right? It's fine by me.
Tell you what.
Do me a favor.
When you get out there, set up the cones so the other reserves can do a little passing drill.
- You want me to set up cones? - I really appreciate it.
- Colin, go set the cones up.
- I think he asked you, mate.
Was I talking to you, big man? Colin, set up the cones.
Isaac's right.
He asked you.
You are a second-teamer.
Oh.
That's gotta sting.
Cheers.
I must say, it's quite nice seeing Jamie put in his place for once.
- Thrilling even, innit? - No, no, no.
This is a no schadenfreude zone, all right? - Nein schadenfreude.
- All right.
The new kid, what's his Dani what? - Rojas.
- Rojas, yeah.
Is he any good? Came here in the summer transfer window, was immediately injured, - so no one's really seen him play.
- That's okay.
You know, 'cause once Jamie sees someone else playing his position, you know I mean, it's gonna hurt his soul.
I'm so sorry.
I shouldn't be happy about that.
I'm Okay, let's be sure to help Dani get acclimated, all right? First time in this league can be very overwhelming.
Dani Rojas, Rojas! Dani Rojas! Rojas, Dani Rojas! Rojas, Rojas, Rojas! Hey! Hello, coaches.
- Thank you for the opportunity.
- Yeah.
You are a spirited fella, Dani.
Just go on out there, and get the striker spot for us, okay? Yes! Just like back in Guadalajara, you say it, I do it, Coach.
Football is life! Ooh.
Oh, I like him.
Jamie doesn't.
Chipper dickheads like that can never back it up on the pitch.
Beautiful cross, Sam! Football is life! Oh, boy.
Ah.
Did you see that? I can't really tell, but it seems like he's very good.
Hm.
Cheers, again.
And some unemployed gaffers are asking if we'll have an opening soon.
Uh, Tony Pulis.
Alan Curbishley.
Harry Redknapp called three times.
Hi.
I've been up all night doing deep dives on all the players.
Did you know that Richard was raised on a goat farm? And that Isaac's mother has two left hands? And I called a couple of contacts about some sponsorship opportunities.
Even got myself a little work planner.
You couldn't get one without the word "unicorn" written on it? Fuck off.
It's adorable.
Ooh Sorry, I couldn't help but think how you'd react if I told you to F off.
- That'll be all, Higgins.
- Of course.
I'm really glad to see that you're laughing.
I just came by to see if you're okay, really.
Why wouldn't I be? Oh, Christ.
Have you not seen the news yet? I really wanted to be the one to comfort you, not to break it to you.
So, you remember that stunning girl, Bex? The one that Rupert left with the night of the gala? Do you really want me to pretend that she wasn't mad fit? I'd appreciate it.
Okay, well.
That hideous cow, whose name's Bex, - which is actually short for - Rebecca.
Yep, which is also your name, as you know.
So the press is calling her "New Rebecca".
Shit.
Nope.
Um, the press is calling her "Rebecca", and you're "Old Rebecca".
- What? - Old Rebecca.
Old Rebecca? Don't worry about it.
You've got this.
And if you ever have a moment, or if you don't got this, then you just call me, right? Wow! That was on purpose, yes? Yeah.
Look, mate.
You're good, yeah, but up here, there's a difference between good and great.
Whoo-hoo! 1-1.
Your turn, amigo.
Fuck's sake.
Right, watch this then.
Left post.
Wow.
That was good.
I know.
Yeah! Ah.
Ah! I got lucky.
- Again tomorrow, Jamie Tartt? - We'll see.
Football is life! Dani Rojas, Rojas! Dani Rojas! Oh, boy.
I tell you, man.
I feel like we fell out of a lucky tree, hit every branch on the way down, ended up in a pool full of cash and Sour Patch Kids.
- I mean, Jamie is an ace, right? - Mm-hmm.
You know, whose attitude turned him into a seven of clubs.
So then we bring in another fella to help turn him back into an ace and then that fella ends up being an ace himself.
And so now we got two aces.
Aces.
Aces.
Oh, heck.
I did it again.
I'm stuck.
- Aces.
- That's the word, yeah? - Aces.
- Aces.
- Ace.
- Aces? Oh, now I'm in there.
- See? Okay, good.
- Aces? Aces.
- I hope it's not contagious.
- Aces.
- Aces.
Aces.
- Aces? Aces.
- Aces.
- Aces.
- Isis.
- No, that sounds like "ISIS".
I did say "ISIS".
I didn't mean to.
Okay, what if we cloned the lead guitarist from Kiss? - You'd have two - Frehleys.
It's lovely weather we've been having, don't you think? I love this time of year.
- All the smells of fresh leaves.
- What's happening? I was just pretending that the two of us were on a walk.
I'm trying to read.
I've been doing a lot of reading myself, actually, recently.
I read this mad story about a kid who grew up in a shit part of South London.
And who got sent off to play as a child in Sunderland, of all places.
And who later was forced to rap his own verse in a charity single which was called "Winner, Winner, Football Dinner".
That was for world hunger.
And I believe it was the cure.
How do you know all this anyway? What are you doing now? Stalking me? No.
I'm reading all the players' bios.
Rebecca's got me in to help with the team's PR.
Well, you leave me out of it.
I'm not one of your show ponies.
You wear a number, trot around while people clap, so I wouldn't be too high and mighty about it.
Later, Roy.
Dani Rojas! Dani, Dani! Okay.
Okay, okay, I don't understand.
What the heck happened, all right? - Did-Did you trip over something? - That's the thing, Coach.
I did not trip over something.
Something tripped me.
Something not there.
Yeah.
Okay, Doc.
Let's go get him looked at.
Okay.
You're okay.
God, this is all my fault.
I saw Dani go into the treatment room before training, - and I didn't say anything.
- Oh! That was a mistake.
How could you not say anything? Well, I hope you've all said your goodbyes, - 'cause we're never gonna see him again.
- Hey, that's enough! One more person says something that me and Beard don't understand, I'm gonna have one of my son's classic temper tantrums.
It's basically just him calling me a bunch of silly names, you know, like, I don't know, "dummy head" or "poo-poo face" or "poo-poo dummy" or I don't know.
What am I missing? - "Pee-pee fingers".
- "Pee-pee fingers".
Come on, now.
Spill.
The treatment room is cursed.
- What? - It's true.
Why is this the first time I'm hearing about this? Well, I think it has a lot to do with grown men being embarrassed to admit that they believe in all this hoodoo, voodoo, juju business.
- Hey, I don't believe it.
- Okay, good.
Then me and you, we're gonna go look in that room.
- No.
- Why not? Because No.
Heck! Oh, man.
I mean, Dani was out there, what, an hour ago? Running circles on that pitch like a joyous raven-haired golden retriever.
Coach, is it true in America you guys have so many beautiful dogs in pounds that some get put down for no reason? That is true, Sam.
But it's also something a lot of female singer-songwriters are trying to change.
Look, we're not gonna put Dani Rojas down.
I'll tell you that right now.
Gentlemen, I need you to gather up the rest of the fellas.
'Cause we got ourselves a curse to reverse.
What the fuck's wrong with you two? The whole Richmond team's here.
Holy shit.
Hey, Coach.
Jamie? Okay.
That's okay.
Hey, guys.
Hey, fellas.
Fellas, listen up.
Thank you, guys, for coming out.
Um, look, I don't know a lot about this stuff, you know.
I don't know about curses.
But I do know this, they don't last forever.
Okay, look at the Boston Red Sox curse.
That's over.
Chicago Cubs, over.
Heck, even Mr.
Martin Scorsese finally won his Oscar.
But I think we can all agree that The Departed is not necessarily his best work.
- No.
- Yeah.
- That belongs to The Color of Money.
- No, it's Goodfellas.
Mm.
Agree to disagree.
Nah, nah.
It's Age of Innocence, bruv.
- Cape Fear.
- Silence! Oi, once the word gets out you lot are in here, this place will turn into a fucking zoo.
And the answer's Mean Streets.
- Ooh, yeah.
That's a good one.
- Yeah.
You're all here because of this poster behind me.
Mr.
Higgins.
"Are you a fast, fit, fan of football?" That's solid alliteration right there.
Hundreds of those posters were put up around Richmond on the 18th of November, 1914.
It was an invitation for young men to try out to be a professional footballer.
It said to come to our stadium that day.
And it was a lie.
In 1914, the war was raging.
There was no tryout.
Just recruiters, waiting to encourage those boys to fight the fight.
They enlisted 400 lads that day.
Very few of them came home.
And after they enlisted do you know where they went for their physical? Oh, Christ, it's our treatment room, isn't it? What are you talking about? Hey, no, no, no.
Hey, no, fellas.
No, it was not, okay? It was.
I'm sorry, I'm lying to ya.
I don't even know why I'm lying.
I'm sorry.
I just wanted y'all to take a breath for a second.
Wait, wait, wait.
What you're telling me is that we've got 400 ghosts? That's too many ghosts.
We cannot fight them all.
We're not going to have to fight them, Richard.
Wait, so, Coach, how do we fix this? - We can't change the past.
- No, Sam.
No, we cannot.
But we can choose to honor it.
Now, those young men, they made the ultimate sacrifice.
So I think it's only fair that we sacrifice something of our own.
I'm gonna ask each and every one of you to go home tonight, find something, an item.
Something personal.
Something that you truly value.
And I want you to bring it tonight to the clubhouse, at midnight.
No.
That is bullshit.
We're all going to fucking do it! All right.
That's your captain talking right there.
Richmond! Richmond! Richmond! Richmond! Richmond! Told you.
Richmond! Richmond! Richmond! Hi, Jamie.
What do you need? Babe, I said it was important.
We can't go inside your house? No way! We can't.
Sex was, like, the only thing that you and I was good at.
I've had three glasses of wine.
It's Pavlovian.
Pavlovian? What is that? Is that the wine? Babe, can we not at least just get inside my car? It's cold.
No.
You don't remember how many times we shagged in this thing? So the car's also Pavlovian? Think I'm getting it now.
So, what's up, Jamie? Fucking Ted Lasso.
Aw, he's really gotten up your bum, hasn't he? Babe, he's not even a real coach.
Do you know what we're supposed to do tonight? Apparently, some bullshit sacrifice, show-and-tell bullshit.
- Okay.
You gonna go? - No, 'course I'm not.
- Is everyone else doing it? - Yeah, but I'm Jamie Tartt.
I'm not like everyone else.
Do you think that I could've got from a council estate in North Manchester to the Premier League, if I did what everyone else did? No.
I don't.
You're a battler, Jamie.
It's really hot.
But maybe someday you should stop battling the people that just wanna help you.
I feel like you want me to come in.
It's Pavlovian.
Have a good night, Jamie Tartt.
Come in.
Uh, excuse me, Ms.
Welton.
Hi, I'm Sam.
Sam Obisanya.
I play for the team.
Yes, Sam.
I know who you are.
Is there something I can help you with? This is really awkward, but are you free tonight? Sam, I am very flattered, but Oh, no, no, no.
It's not for romance.
It's It's just to get rid of this curse.
I can understand why you misinterpreted.
I mean, you're so lovely you must get romantic invitations all the time.
That's nice.
Gosh, I'm dealing with my own sort of curse.
Anyway, thank you.
Uh, I'm from Nigeria, and so I feel like whenever the subject of curses comes up, people are like, "Ooh! I bet the African guy is really into this".
- Oh, you're obviously not? - Oh, no, no, no.
I really am.
But that's mainly from loving Harry Potter.
Do you know J.
K.
Rowling has more money than the Queen? I did.
I like the idea of someone becoming rich, because of what they gave to the world.
Not just because of who their family is.
Well, Ms.
Welton, I really hope you can participate in this ceremony that we're having later tonight.
I don't think so.
I apologize, but I can't take no for an answer.
Coach thinks it will only work if the whole team is there, and Ms.
Welton, it's your team.
So you have to be there.
Please.
At least think about it.
For you, Sam, I will.
Thank you.
Hm.
See you tonight.
See ya.
Gentlemen, I am, by nature, a believer.
Ghosts, spirit guides, aliens.
Still, I can't actually tell you what lives beyond our physical world and what doesn't.
What I can tell you, is that with the exception of the wit and wisdom of Calvin and Hobbes, not much lasts forever.
- Hey, boss.
Glad you could join us.
- Hello.
Yeah.
Um Roy, why don't you get things started for us? Um I was nine when I got scouted by Sunderland, and, uh, I'd never left London before.
My granddad drove me all the way there, and it was freezing, and I was terrified.
I was fucking nine.
Say something.
When I got there, he gave me this old blanket.
He said it was to keep me warm and to remind me of home.
And that was the last time I saw him.
'Cause he'd, uh, passed away by the time I got back for Christmas, so That is why, uh, blankie means so much to me.
Did you just say "blankie"? No, I said "blanket".
Conversation over.
Sam, go.
This is a picture of the 1994 Nigerian World Cup team.
I pledged I wouldn't take this down until I made the team myself and I still intend to do that.
This sand is from a beach in St.
Barts.
This is the first beach where I ever It's the first beach where I ever slept with a supermodel.
- Smile because it happened.
- Thanks.
Sam and Richard coming at ya from both ends of the spectrum there.
Appreciate that.
Uh, a girl once said I look like Clive Owen in these sunglasses.
I don't think I can do it.
- Come on, Nate.
Throw 'em in.
- You got it, Nate.
Give it a toss.
- Nice.
- Good boy, Nate.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Is that today's paper? There's something in there about me, as usual, and I'm trying not to care.
Fuck the haters.
Word.
This is my cat's collar.
She was a faithful companion for 20 years.
Gonna miss you, Cindy Clawford.
It's the only pen I can write my name with.
The keys to my Lamborghini.
How you getting home? - All right.
Everybody go? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- No.
I wanna go.
These aren't my first boots or anything.
My mum gave 'em me.
She was the one who got me into football in the first place.
Her and me dad split up when I was just a-a sexy little baby.
She's the reason I work so hard.
Just wanted to make her proud.
She doesn't even care if I'm any good.
Just wants me to be happy.
Be a good lad.
Once I got good though, me old man started showing up, didn't he? You know, bragging to all his mates every time I scored a goal.
Calling me "soft" if I didn't dominate, you know.
And I And I hated that.
I actually fucking hated that.
So, I made a vow to be so tough that he could never call me "soft" again.
I wonder if sometimes I forget about making her proud.
I don't think that she would be lately.
Well, gentlemen What do you say we burn this crap? Maybe we should do this part outside.
- Yeah.
- That's a good call.
Yeah.
That's smart.
Okay.
Hey, would you guys mind grabbing this for me? Excuse me, Ted.
Uh, the eagle has landed.
Hey, fellas.
I think the only way to know if the curse has been lifted or not, we need to ask the spirits for a sign.
Oh, spirits speak to us.
Dani Rojas! Rojas! Dani Rojas.
I brought a bottle of mezcal to throw into the curse fire.
Hey, hey, hey.
Rojas, look.
Whatever ghosts it were that made you trip over, they're gone now, I promise, yeah.
Crack that bastard open.
- Yeah, boy! - Yeah.
Jamie's not wrong.
Ghosts prefer empty bottles that we've all drunk.
Fact.
Let us celebrate, amigos.
That is a team united.
You're very lucky that everything's fine with Dani's injury.
I just never had you pegged as a gambler, Ted.
Oh, I'm not.
We knew Dani's okay hours ago.
In fact, it was my man Higgins' idea not to share that info with the boys until after the ceremony.
- You don't say.
- Yeah.
Putting the team first, eh, Higgins? Yeah, I suppose I am.
Hey, Coach, you joining the party or what? What do you say, boss? A lot warmer over there by the fire.
I'll respectfully pass.
Higgins, coming with me? Off you go.
All right now, what's this going on? What's going on here? What's going on? Richmond till we die.
We're Richmond till we die.
We know we are, we're sure we are.
We're Richmond till we die.
We're Richmond till we die.
We know we are, we're sure we are.
We're Richmond till we die.
We're Richmond till we die.
We know we are, we're sure we are.
We're Richmond till we die.
We're Richmond till we die.
We know we are, we're sure we are.
We're Richmond till we die.
We're Richmond till we die.
We know we are, we're sure we are.
We're Richmond till we die.
Morning.
How y'all doin'? Hey.
That's cool.
Oh, boy.
Here we go.
Whoa! I got it.
Hey, oh! Interception.
Easy, gentlemen, easy.
Good morning, honey bunch.
You hear that buzz out there? I love it.
Mm.
How you doing? You got rid of Jamie? Man City recalled him.
I told you, Ted.
They were concerned he wasn't playing.
I finally got through to him! I-I mean, you saw it.
With him and Dani, we had two aces, Rebecca.
I thought that was what you wanted.
Yeah, well, you thought wrong! I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for my tone there, okay.
That was rude.
Look, I'm trying to be cool about this, but I am just seeing red everywhere.
Well, perhaps you should leave before you say something you'll regret.
No, actually, you know what? Here you go.
Your biscuits.
I hope they're not as good as they usually are.
But dang it, they're the best batch yet.
I finally cracked the recipe! Coach? Football is life.