Ten Year Old Tom (2021) s01e06 Episode Script

1
- Now as our poor
young lungs deflate ♪
I'll admit
I've gotten older ♪
Mellowed out, chatting up
those I used to hate ♪
♪
The feeling that
we're lost will always fade ♪
I present no explanations ♪
Can't expect
our tired patience ♪
To satiate for long ♪
Therein lies a truth
we can sip when we want ♪
Disciples of the flow,
we can float anywhere ♪
[bell rings]
- Kids, I've graded
your mid-term exams.
Some of you
performed atrociously,
while others
stepped up quite well.
- B-minus?
- Oh, don't be mad, Tom,
it was a hard test.
- Mad? I'm ecstatic.
I've never gotten
a B-minus in my life!
- Oh, well.
Congratulations, then.
- Oh, my God, I'm gonna dance.
I can't control myself.
- My man!
I knew you could do it, baby!
- I've never been this happy
in my life. I got a B-minus!
[feedback squeaks]
- Attention, students.
I'm sorry to interrupt,
but this is very urgent.
Tom, I need to see you now.
- Kind of puts a damper
on the B-minus dance.
- Get up right now
and go, go, go, go.
Run towards my office!
- Hey, Principal,
I ran down the hall.
What's going on?
- Tom, it's about your mother.
- My mom? What do you mean?
Is she okay?
- Are you kidding me?
She's better than okay.
She's on fire.
- Wait. I'm not following.
What?
- I'm attracted to your mom,
and I've been watching her
for years at PTA meetings,
at bake sales.
I saw her come out
of the supermarket;
I sat in my car, I got aroused.
- I'm not sure this was
an urgent matter.
- Well, it's urgent for me.
I need a favor.
- Okay.
- When you get home, I want you
to try to casually weave
my name into the conversation.
- Just casually weave it in?
- Casually. Something like,
I don't know, "The principal's
got a great personality.
Hey, ever notice his tush,
Mom?"
- That's not gonna
sound natural.
When I get home, I usually
just say, "When's dinner?"
- Tom, you owe me.
- Do I?
- How do you think
you got a B-minus?
- Hard work?
- I pulled strings, okay?
- Wait, you're saying
it's a fake grade?
- Yeah.
- Oh, this is really going to
a dark place here.
- Not if you know how
the world works,
it's not dark, Tom.
But the most important thing is
please keep this between us.
- Why?
- Well, the school frowns
upon--they almost over-frown
upon principals
hitting on moms.
- My son got a B-minus?
- Yeah, it's no big deal.
- This is amazing!
- Yeah, enough
about me, though.
- I couldn't be more proud.
- Uh, anyway,
on an unrelated note,
I just overheard some of
the moms talking at school.
They really seem to think
the principal is hot.
- Excuse me?
- The principal.
They seem to think he's got--
uh, what was the phrase?
Cute buns or a--
- Cute buns?
- Hot tush.
- So a lot of butt talk
about the principal.
- It was a lot
of different stuff.
They got into the personality,
the fun sense of humor.
- Mm-kay.
- I don't know why
I focused on the--on
the butt comments,
but it was a lot
of positive talk, is all.
- Did the principal tell you
to talk to me about his body?
- You know what?
I think the guy likes you,
so do--do what
you will with it.
- He likes me?
Wow, this day
keeps getting better.
- Oh, it's a good thing?
- Guess what.
The guy's a principal
of a school.
- Okay.
- This guy can declare
snow days.
He can order textbooks in bulk.
He can have bike racks
installed wherever he wants.
- I don't know if that's
considered powerful.
- If I can upgrade
from plumber to principal,
we're back in business.
- Really?
- You tell him I'm in.
- All right. Great.
- Even if it gets weird.
Even if he's into some kink.
Like, whatever kind of date
he wants to go on, I'm in.
- I'll just say you're in.
[classy music plays]
- Excuse me.
When you get a chance,
could we get some, uh,
water from the sink,
and is all the bread free?
- Uh, yes, sir.
All the bread is free.
[crunching]
- And I know
you brought us butter.
If I asked for extra butter,
is that free, too?
- Yeah, that's free also, sir.
[crunching]
- Okay, thank you very much.
- Okay.
[chuckles]
He's being silly
and hilarious.
We're gonna take
the seafood tower
and your classiest wine,
'cause I am on a date
with a principal.
- [chuckles] What do you think
principals make?
- Well, more than my jackass
husband used to make.
Let's get some photos,
make him jealous,
show him how good I'm doing.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
If this gets out,
I will lose my job.
- No one's gonna see it.
Hey, waiter! Come over.
You're gonna get
some pictures of us. Okay?
- Okay.
- I'm gonna lay on the table.
He's gonna undo his shirt,
and I'm gonna put lobster
on his bare skin
and eat it off of his skin.
- I don't like to do that.
- Oh, okay.
- Oh, geez.
- Okay!
- Oh, that's inappropriate.
- Okay, baby bird some lobster
into my mouth.
- Okay.
[chuckles uncomfortably]
[dramatic tone]
- What have I done?
Oh, this is not good.
- Principal? Is that you?
- Oh, Tom!
Oh, my God.
It's so funny seeing you here.
- It's my house.
This is my kitchen.
- Yeah, I just didn't expect
to see ya--
- Why are you here?
- I stopped by
to go over your grades
with your mother.
- Is that my dad's shirt?
- Oh, that?
I spilled coffee
on my shirt this morning.
And I--
Tom, I'm gonna--I'm gonna
level with you.
I didn't think this thing
with your mom
was gonna escalate so fast.
- Okay.
- I mean, your mom's
a wonderful woman,
but she's a maniac.
- That's a lot to take in.
- TomI'm schtupping
your mother.
- Schtup? What is that?
- We-we you know.
Flippity flip, floppity flop.
Look, I don't know
how to say it in--in a--
- Does it have to do with
pancakes or what are you--?
- Tom, the important thing is
that no can know about this.
If this word gets out,
I'm done.
- All right, so what do you
want me to do?
- Promise me you'll keep it
our secret and I will give you
anything you want at school.
You name it.
- Anything?
- Anything.
- Literally anything?
- Literally anything.
- Just anything,
anything I want?
- Just say it.
- How about, uh, free pencils
and some kind of, uh, pouch
to keep them in?
- Done.
- Really?
- Yes.
- That's amazing.
- Aw, look at my two guys.
Tom, get on his lap.
Principal, you feed him
some pancakes.
We-we need to stick it
to my ex-husband
and to Tina the slut.
- This doesn't feel right
at all.
- Let's just get it over with.
[camera shutter clicks]
- Free pencils?
- How sweet is that?
- Man, this guy is throwing rod
in your mom
and all you asked
for was free pencils?
- All I asked for? I'm never
going to need a pencil again.
- Come on, man!
You need to think big.
With a secret like that,
you could ask for anything.
- All right. I mean,
I guess we could try
escalating this a bit.
- Nelson's right.
- Oh, boy. Here we go.
- With blackmail,
you basically own the person.
- Own them?
- In grown-up terms, Tom,
you could say
he's your bitch now.
- Please don't curse
on the bus.
- Guys, how do you think I got
this sweet bus driving gig?
- You didn't just apply?
- Blackmail.
- Oh.
- Got nude pics
of the bus dispatch guy.
- Henry?
- That's how I have
job security.
I can do whatever I want.
- I'm tempted to say,
can we see them?
- He's sucking his own
dick, guys.
- Oh! Hey, hey, hey! Whoa.
- Whoa.
Wow.
- We've got to start sitting
further back on the bus.
[bell rings]
- Hey there, big boss man.
- Oh, wow. Is this peppermint?
Don't mind if I do.
- All right. First of all,
put the peppermints down!
And you guys don't just come
running in here like that.
Do you even
have an appointment?
- Appointment?
- We're not appointment guys.
- Listen, I know what's what.
Tom told me you's banging
his mom
and you offered him pencils.
You offered my man pencils?
- Are you joking?
- Sorry, I crack
under pressure.
I told him.
- This is outrageous.
- We would like to leverage
this to our advantage.
- Yeah, we want to, um, do
a little blackmail type thing.
- We've got a list of demands.
- This is ridiculous!
A VIP card that gets you
out of trouble?
- Laminated.
- Two recesses per day?
Great. And I have to read
an anti-Hector announcement,
oh, that you guys write?
- That's it.
- Come on, I can't do this.
- Who's the principal now,
bitch?
- Wow.
- All right, all right.
That's too much.
I know we have power now,
but that was crossing the line.
[door opens]
- Um, may I ask why you two
aren't in class?
- You may not.
Talk to the VIP note.
- Oh, my God.
[feedback squeaks]
- All right, guys.
I have an announcement
that I have to read to you.
Hector is stupid.
- What?
- Thank you.
I'm telling you
because if I don't,
nobody else will.
[bell rings]
- Come on, wrap it up.
Recess is over.
- Actually,
we're gonna double dip.
- Double dip?
- Double decker recess,
whatever you want to call it.
You have a problem,
talk to the principal.
- Let's get it on now ♪
- Oh, we are living.
I'm having a great time.
- Wow, I'm having
a good time too.
I mean, but, uh, just, uh,
if you could just ease up
on the churros
because they're $10 each.
- Why would you care about
$10 each?
You're a prina-ci-pal-a.
- Do you mind if I ask
how many you bought?
- 30.
- Oh, my! 30?
Are you kidding me?
That's $300.
- Yeah.
- What are you doing with them?
- A couple I ate, but mostly
I'm just throwing them.
- Hey, knock it off!
- So 2 you ate and 28
you're throwing!?
- I mean, some ratio
akin to that, yeah.
- Oh, my God.
- [grunts]
- Give me my credit card.
Seriously.
- Come and get it.
- I don't want to come
and get it.
- Hey, you.
- Stop throwing the churros,
lady!
- Oh, Nelson.
I like this VIP lifestyle.
- The sun is shining on us.
- Taking a long lunch
while the rest of the chumps
are in the cafeteria.
- This whole mom banging
episode
really worked out in our favor.
- Oh, no.
- What? What?
- What's this? Dakota's mom?
- How many moms
is this guy banging?
- All right,
we gotta stop this.
- We gotta do something.
If he break up with your mom,
our privileges are done.
- This has to end now.
What do we do? Google it.
"How to stop principal
from banging moms."
- "Stop principals
from banging moms."
- "Principal banging
multiple women."
- "Principal banging--" Ugh!
- Nothing comes up?
- We got 18 results.
Only two of them in English.
- Oh, man.
Let's get out of here.
All right. What's the plan?
- We're gonna hack
his computer.
- How are we gonna do that?
- Look, we just need to guess
his password,
then write a break-up email
to Dakota's mom.
- Oh, I love that.
- What do you think
a guy like him
would use for a password?
- I don't know, "principal"
or, uh, "the principal"?
- "The principal." Nope.
- Try "a principal."
- "A principal." Nope.
- Try "I'm the principal."
- "I'm the principal." Nope.
[door opens]
- Hey, guys!
Need some help
with your homework?
- No. We're trying to hack
a grown man's email.
What kind of passwords
do grown men use?
- Try every variation of the
word penis, followed by 69.
- How many variations of penis
are there?
- Oh, there's a lot.
Are you ready?
- Dong69.
- "Dong69". Nope.
- Rod69.
- "Rod69." Nope.
- Wiener69.
- "Wiener" Nope.
- Johnson69.
- "Johnson" Nope.
- How about Boner69?
- "Boner69." That's it!
- All right, we're in!
- Thanks, Dad.
- I'm glad I could help.
- Screw unlimited pencils.
We're getting unlimited
everything.
Now we just need to craft
a carefully worded email.
- All right, let me write it.
I'm pretty smart,
with the B-minus and all that.
- Oh, no. No, Tom.
This is my territory.
I know how adults talk.
You see how I just
talked to that adult?
- All right, you write it.
I'll chime in.
- Let's go.
"Dear Dakota's mom."
- Nice.
- "Pursuant to
my prior obligations"--
- Pursuant. I love that.
- "As per our meeting"
- It sounds like a principal
wrote that. It's amazing.
[whistle blows]
- Come on, everybody!
- Hey, Coach?
I know you got gym class
going on
but can you clear
the floor for us?
- What are you saying?
- Tom and I have chosen
to play a game of one-on-one
today.
- Uh, this is a gym class.
I can't clear the floor
for two kids.
- Oh, he don't know?
- Yeah, he doesn't know.
- Oh, you don't know?
- Talk to the card.
- What is this?
He's giving special treatment
to some kids and not others?
- Hey, I mean, this is the way
the world works, I was told.
- This is what Martin Luther
King marched about.
- Speaking of marches, Coach,
get the marching band together.
We're about to play
full court one-on-one.
- Full court?
- Let me get your whistle.
- Oh, no, no, no, no. You don't
touch my whistle.
- Coach, I hate to pull rank.
- Tom, my whistle will not go
in another man's mouth.
- Give me that whistle.
- No. You're not--
What? No. No.
- Hey, this is the game
of the century, Coach.
You don't want to miss this.
[lanyard rips, whistle blows]
- No, I can't just leave school
to rent mopeds
and just cruise around all day.
- Lady, you cannot go in there.
- Hold on. I'll call you
right back.
- No! I said you can't!
- Yes, I am.
- Don't make me
forcibly restrain you.
- Don't touch me like that!
Gah! Oh, she's biting me!
Oh, look who it is.
Principal Dickwad.
What is this email
that you sent?
- I sent an email?
- Don't play dumb,
'cause guess what?
I was smart and I printed it.
I meet with you
to discuss a bake sale,
and then you write back
saying you can't bang me
since you're already
banging Tom's mom?
What is that?
- I didn't write anything.
What are you--
- Dating a student's parent
is strictly off limits.
It's taboo!
- No, I--
- I swear to God,
you better fix this
and you better fix it now.
- You know what?
I'm calling it off,
because she's a handful anyway.
Thank you for swinging by,
because you're doing me
a favor.
- Hey, look who it is.
- I have to break it off.
- Oh, yes, I agree.
This is great.
- You're not upset at all?
- I found out what grade school
principals make.
Heh, you make less than
an average plumber.
- Okay, I'm not dirt poor,
but--
- I mean, you're pretty poor.
See ya!
- Okay.
- All right, me and Nelson
are gonna play
a little one-on-one
while you guys watch.
- Hector gonna do
the play-by-play.
- That's just the way
it's gonna be.
- Ah! Percussion!
Start right now.
Can I get a low
tat-tat-tat-tat?
♪
- We've really come a long way
from the pencil request,
I've got to say.
- We're two kings right now
about to make history.
- Here we go!
[whistle blows]
- What a match up.
Two legends in basketball
going head to head,
where us losers get to watch
the best game of their lives?
What?
- Attention, everybody.
I have a quick announcement.
Some fake VIP passes
have been floating around,
so if any idiots
come up to you
and say they should get
special treatment,
please tell them to shut up.
Have a nice day.
- All right, let's play!
[students chattering]
- Well, fun while it lasted,
I guess.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What happens now?
- Just be regular
ten-year-old kids, I guess.
- Aw, man.
We're falling on hard times.
- Let's get it on now ♪
I like it when you move it ♪
[flute playing softly]
- As we say goodbye
to sweet George,
let's remember the better days
when he would sit in his bowl,
and kinda blink.
Guy loved to blink, didn't he?
- He loved to blink.
Yes, he did.
- Nelson, why don't you
do the honors
and shove all of his personal
belongings down the toilet?
- It's not going down.
- Use your foot.
- I'm not putting my foot
in your toilet, Tom.
- Nelson, put your foot
in the toilet.
It's a funeral.
Show some respect.
- My mom would kill me
if I ruin these socks.
- All right, fine. I'll do it.
- Don't splash, man!
You're splashing me!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's going on here?
- Mom, we're giving George
a funeral.
- George died?
We got him three days ago, Tom.
He cost 12 bucks.
- Excuse me. Sorry.
Should I keep playing
the flute through this part?
- Keep playing. It's beaut--
it's really beautiful.
- Dakota, take it away
from your mouth.
- Dakota, please.
- Dakota, no more.
- Oh, my God.
This is the worst funeral ever.
- The funeral's off 'cause
we're going to the pet store
and we're gonna get
our money back.
- Nelson, get her out.
- Nelson, don't.
- Ow!
- Oh, my God. Stop. Don't.
Give me the fish.
- Give it.
- What is happening here?
- Other than putting your foot
in the toilet,
this was
a very tasteful ceremony.
[door closes]
[cat yowls]
[upbeat '80s music plays]
- Hi, we came here
and we were sold a faulty fish.
And, uh, the fish passed.
So if you just want to credit
that back to the credit card
or give us some cash.
- Sorry, can't do it.
- What's this?
- Can I interest you
in a new fish?
- New fish? No.
- We need a full refund.
- Yeah, here's the thing.
The fish was healthy
three days ago.
He was swimming. He was happy.
Now he's been whacked.
- Whacked?
- Hang on!
Are you trying to say
my son murdered George?
- As corporate policy,
we don't say "murder" but yes,
I believe
your son murdered the fish.
- I found the body.
No one's denying that.
- How dare you say
my son, Tom--
- Your son is
standing there, ma'am,
with a blank expression
on his face.
That's what murderers do.
- His face is always blank.
He's a thinker.
- Is--is there
a problem over here?
- This "lady"--
- What? Lady in quotes?
- Is trying to return
a dead fish?
And she's giving me loads of
'tude
because I'm not having it.
- All right, calm down.
Thanks, Casey. I've got this.
Sorry you're upset
and I apologize
for what just happened.
I'm not gonna try
to sell you another fish.
- Okay, thank you.
- But what are your feelings
on gerbils?
- No, there's no way
I'm spending more money.
- Come on, Mom. He's so cute.
- [sighs]
- Yeah, come on, Mom.
Come on, Mom.
- Oh. We can't afford it.
- Oh.
I guess you don't love me?
- Oh, no, Tom.
Do not make sad Tom face.
- You're still a good mom.
Some mothers just care
about money more
than their child's happiness.
[gerbil squeaking]
- Fine!
What's the cheapest gerbil
you've got?
- That would be
a senior gerbil for $75.
- $75?
Are you out of your mind?
- I'm not. Casey has issues,
but I'm doing fine.
- Ugh. You know what?
Fine. Wrap him up.
- Um, we don't say
"wrap them up"
like it's a burrito.
- Casey, I've got this.
At Pet Depot, we happily
wrap up all the animals.
[toilet flushes]
- All right, Larry,
play time's over.
Take a load off. Take a nap.
Make yourself comfortable.
Let's circle back later.
- Hey kid, is your mom around?
That toilet
is completely destroyed.
- You know, she doesn't talk
to plumbers any more.
She told me to-to tell you
to shut up and fix the toilet.
- What's this?
- My dad was a plumber.
It's a sore subject.
- Yes, yes, yes.
Okay, now I know
who we're dealing with here.
- Whoa! Who's this
cute little guy?
- My gerbil, Larry. He's 82.
- Hi, Larry.
What a cutie you are.
- Isn't he cute?
- Yeah, very cute!
Well, this is a little surprise
for me in my day.
- I love him.
- Hi, Larry!
Too bad you have
to live your life in captivity.
You're like a little prisoner,
aren't ya, Larry?
- Prisoner? What's this?
- What'd ya do?
What crime did you do?
- No. He's my pet gerbil.
- I'm just saying his cage
is like a prison.
- Nah, nah, nah. They call
this the "Deluxe Cabana."
It's like he's on vacation.
- When you go on vacation,
where do you--where do you go?
A little room?
- We don't--I don't go
in a little room, no.
- Got'cha, got'cha, got'cha.
You know, I'm just
a simple plumber, "shut up
and get in the bathroom,"
but if you ask me,
we don't have the right
to treat animals as property.
- Well, you know,
he was on sale, so--
- You think selling
a living creature,
does that sound
morally fine to you?
I don't know what your morals
are in this house.
- Selling creatures?
Yeah, you can buy gerbils.
People do that, right?
- Hmm. How would you like
to live in a little teeny cage?
- To be honest, I think I would
thrive in that environment.
- H-how about we take him
for a little spin then?
- What do you mean?
- How about you
pretend you're Larry
for one minute?
- No. Aren't you here
to fix the toilet?
What's happening?
Oh, no. I don't want to get--
No, I'm not getting in there.
No, no.
Please.
- Come on. Hop in here.
- No, get back in the bathroom.
This is too much now.
- Come on. It'll be fun.
Pretend you're Larry.
- This is getting weird.
- [low voice] Come on, just
get in there. It'll be fun.
- That's not
a reassuring voice.
Oh! Hey, hey, hey, hey!
- Ah, there we go.
- Did you lock the door?
What's happening?
- If I could change
one young person's mind,
I've done my good deed
for the day.
And I always do my good deed
for the day.
- I think you oversold
how much fun this was gonna be.
You're not leaving, are you?
What's happening out there?
[knocking on door]
Larry, what's he doing?
- Hi, uh, I need to reschedule
my neck rub.
My son's been missing
for an insane amount of hours.
And it just feels weird
to get a massage right now.
- Mom! Let me out!
- Tom? Are you in there?
- Mom, where you been?
Oh, my God.
- Oh, there you are.
- How long was I in there?
- I haven't seen you
for six hours.
I thought you were kidnapped.
- Oh.
You didn't call
the police, or anything or?
- They do recommend you wait
24 hours.
It's what they say
on all the shows.
- I don't know if that's
the case, but--
- I was worried though.
- Anyway, listen.
I did some soul searching.
I think we got to let Larry go.
- Let him go?
Are you on cocaine, Tom?
- Cocaine? No. What do you do?
How do you--
- We paid a lot
of money for him.
Plus, he's a member
of the family.
With your dad gone,
Larry's the man of the house.
- Wait. Larry's the man
of the house? Not me?
- No.
Larry's a lot older than you.
- All right, fine. Larry stays.
- "All right, fine's"
not gonna cut it.
Raise your right hand.
We're gonna do
a promise pledge.
- What do I say?
- I swear to my mom--
- I swear to my mom--
- That I will not set
Larry free.
- I will not set Larry free.
- I will keep him in this house
as the man of the house.
And if I do not,
then my mother will die.
I pledge on Larry's life. Amen.
- I'm not gonna say that,
but you have my word.
[thunder rumbles]
- [muttering] Larry.
Oh, no. Oh.
Slave. Sorry.
Prison. Cage. Prisoner.
- Who gave you the moral
authority to enslave me?
[squeaking]
You get me out of this God
forsaken cage now!
- Larry! Larry! Ahhh!
All right,
so much for the pledge.
That's just not gonna happen.
- Tom, what's going on, man?
I know you guys
got money problems
but there's literally a rat
in your jacket.
- That's not a rat.
It's my gerbil, Larry.
I'm gonna set him free
at the school today.
- Set him free?
- I just want to let him
know the taste of freedom.
I'm gonna let him go
on the soccer field.
Turn him loose.
- The soccer field?
Tom, do you see cleats
on this guy?
- Cleats? On Larry? No.
- Do you see colorful
Umbro shorts?
- I don't.
- Exactly.
You need to leave him
in the wilderness.
He's a wild animal.
- Nelson's right.
- Here we go.
- Gerbils are direct
descendants of wolves, Tom.
- They're not little wolves.
- Tom, there are two things
I know:
buses and rodents.
- Okay.
- This guy's an apex predator.
He needs an ecosystem where he
can thrive and hunt and kill.
- Oh. Okay.
So where's the wilderness
in Central Jersey?
- Behind the TJ Maxx
is perfect.
[percussive music]
Sorry, kids.
Emergency pit stop.
Tom needs to hop out
and poop real quick.
- No. Pee. I've gotta pee.
Why would you say that?
- You need all the time
you can get.
- He's right.
I got to take a quick dump.
- Tom, you're gonna make
everybody late for school!
- Just give me,
like, a half hour.
- Why now? We're, like,
two minutes from school!
- Hey, what can I say?
I prefer the woods.
I can't hold it.
I need some privacy
and some time.
[bell rings]
- [clapping]
Okay, little angels.
As you know,
this weekend is our big--
- Hey, Tom?
- Hey.
- Are you okay?
'Cause there've been a lot
of high profile
pooping incidents recently.
- Oh, I wasn't really--
That was a decoy.
I did a good deed.
I set my gerbil free.
- Hm?
- To live in the wilderness.
- What?
- In the woods behind TJ Maxx.
- Tom, gerbils
are domesticated pets.
Without food or water,
he'll die!
- What do you mean?
He's like a wolf.
He's like an apex predator,
I was told.
- What's their prey?
Little pellets
that come in a bag?
- Excuse me, you two.
Is there something
more important
going on than syncopation?
- Tom's gerbil's in the woods
behind TJ Maxx
and if we don't find him now,
he's gonna die!
- Your gerbil is on the loose?
- I'm on it.
I'll blast out
a community alert.
Tom, what's the reward?
- Oh, just put down a dollar.
My mom has money problems.
- No, no. That's not enough.
Um, I'm gonna put in 10,000!
- 10,000? No, no, no!
- Done. Let's go.
- Done?
- A 10 G gerbil!
- No, we--we never established
the 10 G's.
- Are you kidding me?
Let's go find that gerbil!
- Loser, swipe.
Fake hair, swipe.
Fingered me
in a parking lot, swipe.
"$10,000 reward
for missing elderly gerbil
in woods behind TJ Maxx."
Son of a bitch.
[tires squeal]
[dramatic music]
[children shouting anxiously]
[squeaking]
- Okay, everyone.
Welcome to the manhunt.
I really appreciate
you coming out.
As a very wise plumber
once told me,
"Every life is precious."
[tires screech,
pop music playing]
- Hi, everyone. Attention! Hi.
Hello.
I'm Tom's mom.
I'm in control here.
And to clarify,
there's no reward.
That was a joke.
- A joke? What happened
to the ten grand?
- I'm gonna get fired
'cause I helped you search
for this gerbil!
- I'm gonna leave.
- Okay, fine.
For argument's sake,
let's say there's a reward.
You'll get $10,000.
Of my own money.
Now, I'm gonna have Tom,
my son here,
explain who we're looking for.
- Thanks, Ma.
Well, he's of average weight.
And average height.
Average gerbil height.
Standard gerbil color.
In the beige family.
- Yeah, that doesn't help.
- All right, he's elderly.
So when you search,
it's important that you yell,
"Here, sweet baby Larry!"
- So we're just looking
for a nondescript animal
in a large wooded area
while we're screaming,
"Here, sweet baby Larry."
- Oh, last thing.
You need to cut up
some sliced pears and say,
"Who's ready for din din?"
I know it's a lot.
I know it's a lot.
- Now, please,
can we get serious
and go find that gerbil?
[indistinct chatter]
- Tom, we need to find
Larry ourselves
or it's coming out
of your college fund.
- Ugh. You're not great
at pep talks.
♪
- Sweet baby Larry!
- Larry! Larry, Larry, Larry!
- Here, sweet Larry.
- Who's ready for din din?
[overlapping "Larry"]
- Tom, it's been two hours
and we've gone through
five pounds of pears.
- We can't give up.
We can't give up.
- Oh, my gosh! Guys!
I think I found
sweet baby Larry.
[squeaking]
- That's amazing!
Hold on to him! I'm on my way!
- I'm gonna get $10,000 rewa--
Ow!
- I got him, people!
The gerbil is safe.
And I just saved 10 G's!
- Ah! Great job, Mom!
Ah, it's so good
to have Larry back.
- This is amazing.
What a happy ending!
- Everyone, over here!
He's alive.
Larry, say thank you
to the crowd.
[cheers and applause]
- Ahhh!
Oh, son of a bitch hawk!
[hawk caws]
- Maybe I'm just not cut out
to be a pet owner.
- I tried to warn you.
Do not talk to plumbers.
You talk to a plumber,
the next thing you know
a hawk's flying off
with your gerbil.
- Remember
there's more road ♪
And places to go ♪
Patterns to contemplate ♪
More people to fornicate ♪
And remember
there's a lot of good omens ♪
Supplying the proof ♪
That our life
is the best joke ever told ♪
Remember it's a joke
and leave it alone ♪
Let go and try to be
always abiding ♪
Remember if there's
one good reason for dying ♪
The sweet silver lining ♪
Through you she lives on ♪
And therein lies a truth
we can sip when we want ♪
Disciples of the flow,
we can float anywhere ♪