That Damn Michael Che (2021) s01e06 Episode Script

1
- As an artist, you're
always chasing your heroes.
I remember what it was
like watching
"Bring the--fuckin'--Pain,"
and now I got a special,
and there's an eight-year-old
watching that special,
and it ain't "Bring the Pain,"
you know?
That's the worst feeling
in the world, man.
So that's in your brain
as an artist all the time.
All you think about is how much
better your heroes have been.
[church bell rings]
[voice singing chant]
♪
Bless me Father, I have sinned.
- When was your last
confession?
- Umnever.
I'm not really Catholic,
per se.
Just always wanted to try this.
- Well, that's okay.
All are welcome in the house
of God.
- This is dope.
How come Catholic churches
are so nice?
I've never seen, like,
a poor Catholic church.
- Thank you.
Well, it is the Lord's house,
so you want it to look nice.
- You know, my mother's always
trying to get me to go
to her church,
but it is not nice like this.
This is ni--
you guys got privacy.
- I'm so happy to have
brother Michael
testifying for us today.
I want you all to lift him up
in prayer.
[indistinct voices]
- Yeah, thanks, y'all.
The brother is going
through a whole lot of stress
right now.
He's doing a stand-up special
at Madison Square Garden
real soon.
There are plenty
of tickets left.
- There's a couple tickets
left.
- I guess his little show ain't
really hitting on HBO.
- I wouldn't say a little show.
It's a regular size show.
- Oh, forgive me.
I meant to say HBO Max,
not the real one.
- It's the same--
- Nah, it ain't.
We all have normal HBO, amen?
all:
Amen!
- Now, I want y'all to support
this brother
and his little show.
I've seen it.
It's not for me.
I miss "Chappelle's Show."
Or "Martin."
[laughs]
Or, remember
"In Living Color"?
Can I get an amen?
all:
Amen!
- Yeah, they're
all great shows.
It's just, there's room
for everybody.
- Those brothers
had characters.
- I do a different thing.
- I get what you're trying
to do.
I like "Atlanta."
I love "Fleabag."
- "Fleabag"?
- But the writing was so strong
on those shows.
- Great, you know, I'm gonna
take my seat right now.
- His girlfriend left him,
you know,
so he's drinking alcohol
a lot more now.
- Why are you yelling?
My mother's--
- No, don't be ashamed,
brother.
A lot of people in your family
have problems with alcohol.
all:
Mm-hmm.
- He told me he can't perform
in the bedroom
because of his anxiety.
- Well, everybody has anxiety--
- So he picks a fight,
so he can sleep alone
and save himself
the embarrassment.
Mm, my Lord!
Isn't that sad, y'all?
- I never told you that, man.
- You didn't have to, brother.
God told me.
[RZA's "You Can't
Stop Me Now" playing]
♪
- No matter how hard
you try ♪
You can't stop me now ♪
[laughter]
- Yo, when you taping
your special?
- Next week, man.
I can't believe I'm taping
at Madison Square Garden.
- For sure.
- Yeah.
- Honestly, I can't believe
you're taping there either.
- Well, it's almost sold out,
so
- Word?
How?
- Whatchu mean how?
I got my own show on HBO!
- HBO Max.
- It's the same shit, man.
- Well, all I'm saying,
I'm a little surprised.
That's a lot of tickets
to push, bro.
- Yo, you should do Rogan
and promote it on air.
- Yeah, yeah, you should.
- A podcast?
You want me to promote it
on a podcast?
I'm on TV every week.
- Yeah, but niggas don't
really watch TV like that.
- There's no more good shows
either.
Yo, yo, yo, yo!
You know what I miss?
- What's that?
- "Fleabag."
Remember that show?
- With the white girl?
- [both]
"'Ello, love."
- Ahh! Nigga, shut up.
- Nobody talk about you,
man.
Nobody talks about you on TV.
- Nobody be talking 'bout you,
Che.
- So what's troubling you, son?
- Everything, son.
I don't know where to start.
- Well, why don't we start
with today?
- Well, today, honestly,
I'm a little hungover.
Was drinking last night.
And a couple nights
before that.
Kind of like a shopaholic
but with alcohol.
That's a little jokey-poo
I like to tell.
- No, I got it.
- Oh, okay.
Anyway.
I went out with some friends.
We went to this party, right?
- Man, this shit look bougie
as hell.
- I ain't waiting
in this long ass line.
I'm telling you that now.
- Just tell him you on TV.
We'll get right in.
- I don't do that shit, man.
Let's go somewhere else.
- Why not?
This shit is lit.
- Kinda lit though.
- Just go up there,
and tell him you was
on "Saturday Night Live,"
and they let you right in.
- What do you mean "was"?
I'm still on the show, nigga.
- Nigga, that shit
ain't gon' work.
Damn door girl's Black.
- Oh, yeah, we definitely not
getting in.
- What the fuck is that
supposed to mean?
- Come on, man, you know
Black people
don't watch
"Saturday Night Live."
- Exactly.
- Yes, they do!
Everybody watch
"Saturday Night Live."
- Not Black people.
- When Migos' on.
All right, I got an idea.
Let's just go to the white bar
around the corner.
- Oh, we definitely getting
in there.
- Yeah, we are.
- Ey man, wait, hold on!
I'm a goddamn TV star!
- Okay.
- There you go!
- We gonna get
in this Black ass club.
They gonna know who I am.
- Manifest, king!
- Watch this.
- Go ahead, boy!
- Wipe your nose!
[dramatic music]
♪
- Hey.
Can I go in?
- You don't see the line,
nigga?
Yeah, look, I don't like
doing this,
but my name's Michael Che, I'm
on this show called "Sat--"
- I know.
- Oh, you do know who I am?
- And?
- And that's the line.
- Yep.
And it wraps around the block,
too.
♪
- Okay.
- What happened, star?
- Huh?
Uh, I think that's, like,
a gay club.
- Oh, oh, word? Oh, oh, word.
- Let's go to that other spot
you was talking 'bout.
You said there's another place.
- What, the white club?
That what you want to go to,
right?
- Whatever the color is, man.
People is people, man.
Why you always got to make shit
about race?
- All right, nigga.
Just do a fucking podcast, bro.
- I don't think she had to be
such a jerk about it.
It's not even her club.
She just worked the door.
It was like she took pleasure
in shutting me down.
Hello!
- I'm still here, son.
- All right, son,
then say something.
- It's confession.
I was letting you confess.
- Okay, but you could at least
ask me some follow-up questions
or something.
Be engaged, man.
I'm pouring my heart out here.
- Fine.
How did that make you feel?
- It made me feel like my story
was boring you.
- No, I meant
when the door girl
wouldn't let you in the party.
- Oh, honestly?
Felt like punching her right
in the top of her head,
right in the soft spot.
- That's terrible.
- I said "felt like," okay?
Obviously, I wouldn't hit
a girl.
I don't want to get canceled
by the Liberal media.
Hey, do priests ever have to
worry about getting canceled?
- No, they just transfer us
to another parish.
- [laughs]
That's a good one.
- It was right there.
I had to.
- Yeah, no, I'ma take that one.
Man, being a priest must be
hard.
You gotta be nice to everybody.
Don't you ever want to just
slap the shit out of somebody?
- Well, we all feel frustration
and anger,
if that's what you're asking.
- No, no, no, that's not
what I'm asking.
I mean, do you ever want
to sock a lady
because she made you feel small
in front of your friends?
- Miss, I am not trying
to argue with you.
- Just ring up my shit.
- The sign says ten items
or less.
You have like 30 items here.
- Fuck you!
- Ooh!
- Has this ever happened
to you?
Crazy lady rocks your shit
in public,
and you can't do anything
about it?
- I'm calling the cops.
- Wow, you really gonna call
the police on a lady, dog?
- You snitch ass nigga.
- Fuck 12.
- Oh!
You guys are gonna
take her side?
- Ring my shit up, bitch.
- Yeah, you heard her.
Ring that shit up!
- There's got to be
a better way.
- Now there is, with
the all new HomeGrrl app.
The HomeGrrl app lets you
order a homegirl
to fight for you
when your hands are tied.
- You piece of shit!
You want some more?
- HomeGrrl for Shawn?
- Yeah, that's me.
Could you hit her?
- Yeah.
- Wait, I could just go
to another register!
- Oh, it's too late for that
now, bitch.
[upbeat music]
- Thanks, home girl!
- Please rate me five stars.
Come on!
[brakes squeal]
- I can't believe you hit
my car, you dumbass nigga!
- What the--
- Yeah, that's what the fuck
you get!
- Just one second.
- Oh, my--what?
- One second, calm down.
Calm down.
- These fucking white people--
the fuck is wrong with you?
- Who ordered
the HomeGrrl Black?
- Oh, right here.
- HomeGrrl Black?
- Want some gum or water?
- No.
- All right, I should be done
beating her ass
in about four minutes.
- Oh, oh, shit!
- Thanks, Coco!
[upbeat music]
Thank you, HomeGrrl.
- Every good family has
one girl that can fight.
That's your job,
that one hockey goon.
Some girl bully you?
You go call Keisha,
and she's already putting up
hair in a ponytail,
out the car.
And if she wasn't
in your family,
you call your home girl.
You need a home girl.
- Son, were you drinking
before you came here?
- Uh, if you mean, like, water
or orange juice, yes.
- I mean alcohol.
- You mean, like, a couple
beers for my hangover,
so that I could feel better,
uh, sure, I guess.
- It's 10:00 a.m.
- Okay, it's noon somewhere.
Where you going with all
these questions, Father?
- Forget I brought it up.
- Thank you.
- Son, you come to confession,
and you're not Catholic.
Clearly, something's weighing
heavy on your heart.
Just tell me what it is.
What brought you down here?
- I don't know, son.
I just feel like I'm wasting
my career.
I just want to be one
of the all-time greats,
you know?
Dave Chappelle, Richard Pryor,
George Carlin, Chris Rock,
Bill C--uh
Redd Foxx, you know?
Those guys were giants.
They were rock stars.
And sure, I'm playing
Madison Square Garden.
But it's not--
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're playing
Madison Square Garden?
- Yeah.
- Really?
- Really.
- Just you?
- Yeah, just me.
- By yourself?
- Yes, by myself.
- Wow.
- What do you mean, "wow"?
What's that supposed to mean?
- No, no, nothing.
I just
I just remember
as a little kid,
seeing Dane Cook sell out
the Garden.
He was a star.
He was a huge star.
- Well, my show's
almost sold out, too.
Wait a minute, how old are you?
- No, I'm not trying to take
anything away
from what you've achieved,
just really surprised.
Wow.
- I have my own show.
HBO, man.
- HBO Max.
- All right, this is--
- [knocks]
Hi.
- Hello, nurse.
[laughs]
You remember that?
From "Animaniacs"?
- I'll be taking your physical
today.
- You can take
whatever you want.
- Do you mind taking off
your jacket?
I'm gonna have to check
your blood pressure.
- Of course.
I knew you wanted me to take
off something.
Why start with that thing?
That thing might pop.
You know, I've been working
out, you know?
Eating vegetables and praying.
Doing a lot of push-ups,
you know.
You eat wings?
No, you give me--
you like plant-based.
You look like a Pisces.
I mean, I don't care nothing
about signs,
but I'm a Leo.
[laughs]
Whoo.
- Okay, before you see
the doctor,
I'm gonna have to check
your testicles.
- Mymy testicles?
- So take off your bottoms,
and put on this robe.
- Why would you have to do
that?
The doctor--
- Be right back.
Leo, the lion.
- No, but--
I mean, it should be
an older nurse doing it.
Shit!
Damn, it's 8:00 in the morning.
Okay.
Come on, Kev.
Come on, Kev.
Got to get it out.
Come on.
Rihanna, Beyonce,
Halle Berry,
Issa Rae,
Michelle Obama,
with all due respect.
Come on, man.
Come on, man.
Any girl, any girl.
Last time you had sex.
When the last time you had sex?
Damn.
When the last time you had sex?
Pornhub, Pornhub, Pornhub.
Pornhub, yes.
Damn, no service.
Come on, okay.
Heat up, heat up, heat up.
She'll see my dick, and then
just--she'll tweet about it.
This is gonna be
on Black Twitter.
It's gonna be trending.
- [knocks]
Hey!
Okay, gonna need you
to lift the robe.
- [sighs]
Yo, my bad, yo.
My bad.
[newscast intro music]
- We go now
to the Chauncy Hotel,
where NoHo Karen is enraged,
and letting everyone know
about it.
- Your freakin' son stole
my freakin' phone.
His son has it right there!
- Where?
- It's in his diaper!
- My son ain't no damn thief.
- [screams]
- Yo, what the fuck is wrong
with you?
- No, no, no, no, no!
No, no, no, I got this.
[upbeat music]
♪
[watch chimes]
I'm really sorry
about everything.
- Thanks, HomeGrrl.
- People always tell you,
"You can't say that
"because kids are watching,
and I don't want my kids
seeing that on TV."
I'm like, well,
what about my kids?
I want my kids to see
everything.
It's bad enough,
they're already growing up
without a father.
They need to see--
[laughs]
narrator:
Today on Wendy
we talk to comedian
Michael Che
about his special
at Madison Square Garden.
- How you doin'?
- How are you doing?
- So what are you gonna wear?
Leather? Eddie Murphy?
- Oh, I don't think I should
be wearing leather.
- Eddie did "Raw"
at the Garden,
and he did
"Saturday Night Live," too.
- I guess you could say
I'm the next Eddie Murphy.
narrator: We gab about
his Weekend Update co-anchor,
Colin Jost.
- Colin is married
to Scarlett Johansson.
He does it right, and he
went to Harvard, and you--
- Well, I actually went to
a very prestigious high school
for five years, so
narrator:
And his love life.
- We did some digging
in your personal life.
- Oh, no, I knew
this was gonna happen.
I knew you'd--
- Nothing came up.
Nothing.
narrator: Watch today.
- On tonight's episode
of "Real Child Predators,"
we expose the dark, ugly world
of actual child predators.
- Oh, damn, Ma!
Hey, what's up?
- I'm on the phone
with the cable company.
"Fortnite's" been lagging.
- Okay.
- Come on in.
And make yourself comfortable.
- My mom had to change
service providers
every time I tried
to buy V-bucks with her card,
got denied.
- Well, maybe you got denied
because you're a child,
and you don't have a job.
What are you doing here, Tyler?
- Oh, shit, yo.
Who the fuck is you?
- I'm asking the questions.
Why you here?
- To meet Jeanine.
- Do you know how old she is?
- I don't know, like 50?
- She's 46.
- Oh, shit, all right.
All right, that's better
than I thought it was.
- Well, she's still old enough
to be your mom.
'Cause I have messages here
where you're asking to, quote,
"pipe her down,"
and "beat her guts."
- Facts.
- What's in the bag?
- A Switch, liquor, condoms.
- Magnums?
Yeah, right.
Like you could fit those.
- I can fit them though.
- Those are joke condoms.
Nobody can fit those.
You know, you could get
in big trouble
for coming here, young man.
- Is you, like, a cop
or something, bro?
- Nope, I'm Chris Hanson,
host of "Real Child Predators."
- Oh, shit.
- And you're on camera
right now.
- Yo, this gonna be on TV?
- That's right.
Everyone's gonna see
you're a child predator.
- Oh, shit.
- Preying on older women.
- Yo, you already know
the fucking vibes.
I was finna get that old bitch
round, yeah.
- Think you're so cool,
don'tcha?
- Bro, why is you so pressed?
Like, what, you like her
or something?
- Actually, I love her.
She's my wife.
- Bro, that ain't your wife.
She for the streets!
- What is that supposed
to mean?
She's from Montauk.
- I'm out of here, I got
online school in the morning.
- Get back here!
- Suck my dick.
- Yeah, right.
You wish!
- Yo, Katt Williams special
came on last on HBO,
the one in the green suit.
- You know the green suit one?
- I know, that's
the funniest one, yo!
Yeah, Mike Epps' one funny,
too!
- Hey, what--let me ask y'all
a question.
- What's up?
- Y'all think I'm corny?
- Like, the way you dress?
- A little.
- No, no, no, I'm talking
about my comedy
'cause I know y'all talk about
all these great Black comics.
You don't really bring me up.
- Nah, man, your shit funny.
- It's just not Katt
in the green suit funny,
but it's funny.
- It's just like,
it's different.
- Like, very different.
- Well, how you mean?
What makes me different
than these guys?
Like, I do the same thing.
How is it different?
- Like, I'ma keep it a buck,
let me--
- No, no, no, no, don't--
- No, let him talk!
- --ruin the night.
- No, look, I'm not gonna
get mad.
I just wanna hear
what he has to say about it.
- I'm just trying to figure out
a cool way to say--
All right, here we go.
I ain't gonna hold you.
I ain't never seen stand-up,
but I know my mom's dig it.
- Yeah, his mom's mad cool.
- She comedy-savvy, so, like,
you up there.
- You've never seen
my stand-up?
- I ain't never seen it.
It's your job.
We be hang--you know.
- I mean, I like it.
I like it.
- Katt brought Lil Jon
onstage.
Like, you ain't bringing
Lil Jon onstage.
- You can't make memes out
of it, but you know
- It ain't meme-able,
but it is funny.
- Yeah.
- It's funny though!
- What's that boy that made
"Get Out"?
- Jordan Peele.
- Yep, "Key & Peele."
Now, that was a good show.
What else?
- "Insecure"!
- Ah!
"Insecure," of course,
and that was
on normal people HBO.
- It's all for normal p--
- You know what else I like?
"Impractical Jokers."
Now, that's my shit.
Can I get a amen
for the Jokers?
all:
Amen!
- [laughs]
- What is this church?
- There ain't no girls in here,
man.
- Man, well, at least ain't
wait in that long ass line.
- It is dead as a coffin here,
nigger.
- Yeah, 'cause there's no girls
in here.
- Man, you know girls show up
to the club late.
It's still early.
Plus, there's a couple girls
in here, if you look around.
- You know he ain't gonna talk
to them anyway.
- Who's not?
- You not!
- You.
- You crazy.
Point to any girl in here.
I'll go right up to 'em.
- What about them?
- Her, right there.
- Girl, you had to see it.
It was so tiny.
- Stop, stop.
- It was curled up
like a little shrimp.
[laughs]
I took a picture.
- Man, that bitch lying, man!
- Who?
- Who, them?
- Wait till Black Twitter sees
this.
- Nobody, man.
You know what?
I don't even feel
like clubbing no more, man.
- You good?
- Yeah, yeah, it's all good.
- Yeah, I got to wake up early
tomorrow for church anyway.
- [together]
Church?
- Yeah, 'cause I need
forgiveness from the Lord
for what I'ma say
in my special.
You know what I'm saying?
- You talk that shit, nigga.
- Special's gonna be crazy.
- You coming?
- No, no, no.
I'll catch up with you.
I got to handle something.
- You talking that G shit.
You better go and let 'em know.
- Y'all are crazy.
- Tell them jokes, boy.
- [laughs]
- Whoo! Wow.
[club music playing]
♪
- So Reggie, you wrote
that sketch.
- Mm-hmm.
I wrote it 'cause a friend told
me that happened to him.
- And he was a little insecure
about it.
- Yeah, he was insecure
as shit.
It wasn't me at all.
- No, no, that's never--
I've never been insecure
about my, uh
penis size ever.
- Yeah, my shit is cr--
my shit is crazy.
- So that's us.
We don't relate
to this problem.
- Psh, big dicks over here.
[both laughing]
- Man, you are so right.
If I want to be
an all-time great,
I gotta be able to take risks.
I gotta be able to say what
nobody else is willing to say.
- No, I didn't say any of this.
- And I mean, who cares
if I get canceled?
Probably just means I'm doing
something right.
- I don't know where you're
getting any of this.
- Thank you, man.
So do I give you, like, money
right now or?
- What?
- For my sins.
I don't know how confession
works.
- No, no, we don't turn down
donations,
but we don't charge.
- Yes.
- I will charge you penance.
- Fuck!
I meanshoot.
- How 'bout,
your first confession,
we'll start one Hail Mary.
- That's it?
- Do you know the Hail Mary?
- I mean, it's been a while,
but yeah, I know a little bit.
- All right, we'll do it
together.
- Okay.
- Hail Mary
- Come with me ♪
- full of grace.
- Hail Mary, nigger ♪
Run quick, see ♪
- The Lord is with me.
- What do we have here now ♪
- Blessed are thou among w--
- Do you wanna ride or die
La da-da-da ♪
- Blessed is the fruit
of thy womb, Jesus.
- Da-da, da-da, da-da, ♪
I feel great.
- Well, then, go forth,
and sin no more, son.
- Thanks, son.
[upbeat music]
♪
- Yeah!
New York City!
How y'all feeling?
[cool music]
narrator:
He's controversial.
- I know I'ma get canceled
for this next thing
I'm about to say.
- He's not afraid to go there.
- I know the women gonna
walk out
when they hear this next joke
right here,
but I'ma say it.
- He's the wild man of comedy.
- I see a guy in a wheelchair
over there.
You might as well roll your ass
out of here.
This is 'bout to be
a fucked up show.
- And he's tackling
all the important issues,
like race
- White women, Koreans,
niggers from Barbados.
What do you call 'em?
- Politics
- I mean, who even
is the president?
Nobody knows.
- And he's not afraid
to go there.
- Man, they might lock me up
for that last one.
I just confessed
to a very serious crime.
- He's Michael Che.
- [crying]
- Live from the sold out,
social distanced
Madison Square Garden.
- Madison Square Garden,
what's up?
[cheers and applause]
- Only on HBO Max.
It's not HBO.
It's HBO Max.
- I ain't a killer,
but y'all pushing me.
[upbeat music]
♪