That Mitchell and Webb Look (2006) s01e06 Episode Script
Episode 6
This job just doesn't get any easier.
- Was it you that found the body? - Yeah, I found it by my cave next to my fire, first thing this morning.
- And can I ask what you do? - I'm a caveman, same as everyone else.
- Of course.
- Yeah.
So, I found the body first thing and I immediately went to the caveman police.
You did the right thing.
Leave it to us.
An expert will determine cause of death.
- Right.
- Here is Cavewoman Pathologist Ursula.
- Morning, Detective.
- Morning, Ursula.
- This could be an interesting one.
- Let's have a look.
Oh, looks like this man was killed with some kind of stone implement.
Not again.
It's rife.
Sometimes I think the whole advance into stone technologys been a double-edged sword.
- A what? What did you say? - I've no idea.
Time of death? Er, I think I can narrow it down to, ersometime before now.
OK, let's start investigating.
Did anyone see this man being killed? No.
Right, I'm all out of ideas.
All we know, is that at some point before now, someone hit this man to death with a stone and no one saw who it was.
- The perfect crime.
- The perfect crime.
(SNIGGERS) (UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER) Admiral, we bring shocking news.
Two hours ago, our beloved Fuhrer Adolph Hitler took his own life.
Oh, right.
Thatthat is sad.
And you Admiral Donitz have been named as his successor.
Yes! Yes! Whoo! In your face, Goring! Whoo! Yes! Whoo! Sorry, sorry, sorry, guys.
Whoo! Eat it! This isthis is a great opportunity.
(EXPLOSION) Yeah.
I-I've got loads of great ideas for Germany.
Mm, I think we should do more autobahns, they're great.
We need to look at pensions, there's a growing housing shortage - Er, listen.
- Ooh, sorry.
Can I just make a quick call? Yes, mein Fuhrer.
Nice.
Hi, darling, yeah, it's me.
You're never gonna guess, they've made me the new Fuhrer.
Yeah.
Yeah, shot himself.
Well, Frieda, this is an opportunity that I've just got to take.
Well, they were hardly gonna give me the job when everything was going well.
Look, we'll talk about this later, OK? But heil me, though, eh? Heil me? Oh.
Right, where was I? Oh, yes, ideas.
When can we have a policy meeting? We've taken the liberty of drawing up a list of priorities.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
So, here's General Eisenhower's telephone number, here's the English for "we give up" and here's an analysis of our military situation in one rude word.
Right.
You've taken the wind out of my sails.
Sorry.
Hang on, thisthis isn't just one of those pranks you play on all the new Fuhrers, is it? (EXPLOSION) - No.
- Oh.
Oh, I see.
So, youyou just need someone to say that we've surrendered.
Seems silly, I know, but, erm no, we just literally do need someone actually to say we've done that.
- Right.
- It's red tape, really.
You see, I-I thought I was gonna get to be a proper Yes, that was our fault.
We, erm We didn't mean to give you that impression.
All right, I'll make the call.
(CLEARS THROAT) Erm Y-you wouldnt mind just doing me a quick "Heil Donitz!" would you? Just so I can say I've had one.
- I don't think that would - Please.
Heil Donitz.
Thanks, guys.
(APPLAUSE AND WHOOPS) Welcome to "Wordwang", the spin-off series with a difference, and that difference is words.
Joining me are Julie from Yorkshire and Simon who's from a factory and made from metal.
(CLANG) - Ever killed a man? - No.
- Simon? - Yes.
Great, let's play Wordwang.
- Round one, Julie to play first.
- Shed.
- Trowel.
- Buzz.
- You buzzing in? - No.
That's Wordwang.
Simon? - Smear.
- Towards.
- Fastidious.
- That's Wordwang.
On to round three, animals.
Simon? - Mattress.
- That's Wordwang.
- However.
- That's Wordwang.
- Deforesting.
- That's Wordwang.
- Lineage.
- (HOOTER) Oh, bad luck, JuIie, that's not an animal.
You lose two letters.
So, Uli it's you to start as we move on to the word board.
Today's categories, countries of the world.
Erm, I'll take Bethania, Fintanland and the Independent Republic of Yeb.
That's Wordwang.
Simon? I'll have, ermMingy, Montestan and, erIreland.
Oh, bad luck, Simon, I'm afraid Irelands not a vegetable.
You lose three letters.
Entering the final round, Im, you're leading with tarpaulin and Uli, you're trailing with H.
It's time for you to face the Wordwangerator.
Let's rotate the board.
(CLICK) (GUNSHOT) Welcome back to the Wordwangerator.
Word up, Im.
- Brisket.
- Oh, good, Uli? - Parallel.
- Nice.
- Nice.
- Nice.
- Nearly.
- Almost.
- Pinch.
- Embolden.
- Arbitrarily.
- Oh.
- Crevice.
- Crevasse.
- Cravat.
- Tie.
Yes, that is Wordwang! Im, you've beaten the Wordwangerator, making you today's Wordwang.
Uli, you've been Wordwangerated, making you today's anti-Wordwang.
Until tomorrow (ALL) Good Wordwang! (PING) Fifteen years we've been waiting for them to fit that.
Oh, and that's a bad miss.
And young Mark Deacon will be very sad to have missed that blue but hopefully not as sad as he was about six months ago.
Yes, indeed, I think the whole of snooker was very much behind Mark in the terrible battle he's had with his own personal demons.
Yes, I'm sure Mark wouldnt mind it being known that he has, of course, sadly tried to top himself twice.
Yes but that's many fewer times than he's tried to reach the final of a ranking tournament .
.
and he hasn't managed that either.
I still think it was insensitive of Steve Davis to say that to his face.
That was cold.
I mean, in the middle of the dance floor, the end-of-season bash, and Steve Davis, your childhood hero, is screaming at you, cheer the F up, you miserable C.
That's enough to make anyone reach for the paracetamol.
I wouldnt like it.
So, four bedrooms, off-road parking, nice bit of garden at the back.
(MAN) Great.
Here we are.
So, Tom's a banker.
What does Wendy do? - Er, I work for a charity.
- Oh, yeah, which one? It's a charity that provides counselling and practical support for survivors of torture.
Torture, really? Ooh.
I tell you what's torture round here, the traffic.
Getting round the North Circular, I'm a torture survivor (!) - Right.
- No, not really.
So, you must have some stories.
- Erm - What's the worst thing that's happened to anyone you've counselled? - Oh, you know, some not very nice things.
- Yeah, I'll bet.
What's the worst thing? The really gruesome stuff? - I don't think - What's the really, "My God, I can't believe "they do that to people"? The most disgusting torture anyone's been through? - You really don't want to know.
- I do.
- No, you don't.
- I really do.
Come on, how bad can it be? Well, ermI once worked with someone who .
.
and obviously coping with that was very difficult for him.
The en suite, is that the only bathroom? You callous bitch.
Standing around with your latte, looking for somewhere nice with a garden in zone two, when you know what you know about what goes on.
- You have to remain detached.
- It's just a job for you, is it? Nine to five.
"I'm sorry, Umbuloo, that does sound like a pisser, "but I've got to go and see a lovely garden flat in Muswell Hill, "then someone's coming to mend the dishwasher, "but that holds no terror for me because I don't associate "a knock on the door with unspeakable violation.
" Everyone has to have a day off.
I need a fucking month off now.
That has brought up a lot of things.
- A lot of things.
- I didn't mean to I think it's best if you go.
Don't leave me.
OK, so we're gonna try and stage a bit of a reconstruction, see if it jogs anyone's memory.
So the victim was on his way back to his cave from hunting or starting a fire or Well, that's it.
Off you go.
- (TUTS) - When the attacker may have done something like this.
Something like that, we don't know.
- Is HE dead now? - Yeah.
That's a very good reconstruction.
Yeah.
What's happened over the last 50 years is that shopping has become a leisure pursuit that people can actually enjoy.
Yeah, people have got more money and everything's a hell of a lot more relaxed.
- Can I help you, sir? - Yeah, cheers.
I'm just vaguely looking at suits right now, something cazh but also cool and dark so you can wear it in the evening.
A business suit that is simultaneously a dinner suit - and a tail coat and a pair of pyjamas.
- Yeah, around the kind of 100, 150 mark.
Which is fashioned from sack cloth and string? - Sorry? - Do you wish to look smart or are you looking for a newer version of what you're wearing now? - If you've got something like this - Something Italian and ill-fitting and so shiny I can see my face in it, in stark contrast to your shoes? Eryeah.
We do not.
Sorry, what happened to the friendly Australian girl - that used to work here? - She's gone, sir.
They've all gone.
They've been driven out and the burning remains of their tawdry rags cast after them and we're back.
- Who? - The incredibly intimidating and aristocratic people who still unaccountably sell clothes.
We don't like being talked to by people with their hands in their pockets.
- I beg your pardon.
- I'll overlook it just this once.
- Listen - I've seen you in here before, slouching around the place in your slip-on shoes and your motorcycle jacket, looking like a mechanic who's won the pools.
I've seen you with your tin earring and your black-marketeer swagger.
We've all seen you and we all thought you were a turd.
Do you wish to be smart or do you wish to leave this place as you entered it, looking like a slack-jawed spiv.
- Why are you treating me like this? - I'm trying to help you to have standards.
I'm trying to make you know that the world isn't pleased to see you.
You aren't needed or included or loved.
You're ugly and superfluous and ignorant and you should be frightened and meek and grateful.
- Right.
- That's better.
Now first things first, let's get you a hat.
Do you think people will like these private moments where we're just being ourselves? This isn't private, there's a camera there.
Well, no, but still it is more, you know, the kind of stuff where The sort of bits where (BOTH) .
.
we're just you know chatting and kind of I don't know how to put itbut, you know.
- This is all scripted.
- What? This is as made up as the rest of it.
This isn't improvised, look.
Bloody hell.
It says I say "bloody hell" here.
Yeah, I know, that's my cue.
"David: Yeah, I know.
That's my cue.
" Yeah.
"Robert, reading, 'David: Yeah, I know.
That's my cue.
"' - Just put that away.
- Says I don't.
But what happens next? It says "Cut to a close-up of the script", "It reads cut to a close-up of the script.
" "It reads cut to a close-up of the script.
" "It reads cut to a close-up of the script.
" It goes on forever.
- Shit! - Yeah.
You say "Shit", that's the penultimate line.
Oh, and that's a bad miss.
Yeah, and viewers in the north may once again be experiencing sound difficulties.
- Come on - Oh, that'll do.
Yes, well, that was a lucky chance for young Mark Deacon but as usual he approaches the table with, how does one put it, a face like a slapped arse.
Have you ever seen that man smile, Ted? Only in his sleep, Peter, only in his sleep.
Viewers might want background on that because I believe it was you, Ted, who foiled one of Mark's How shall we put it? .
.
bids for oblivion, wasn't it? I-I have that honour.
It wasit was during the Welsh Open and Mark had been knocked out that day and I was just making me way back to me hotel room at around about four in the morning from the bar and as luck would have it Mark had the room next to me in the hotel and something had been up all week 'cause I heard him late at night singing the snooker words to "Lady in Red".
I should explain to viewers that there are some special snooker words to the pop song "Lady in Red", which all of us in snooker know.
They're secret special snooker words to "Lady in Red" that we all know.
Viewers are perhaps interested to know what the secret snooker words to "Lady in Red" actually are.
Yes, but unfortunately, we're all sworn to secrecy.
Anyway, Mark's hotel bedroom door was open and I could hear water running.
Tell us again what you did, Ted.
Yeah, well, well, I went in there and I made him sick it all up, but he was inconsolable, kept going on about his cueing which is far from perfect but I didn't say that.
You did right.
I-I remember I-I just held him for hours, until he stopped sobbing and managed slowly to drift off to sleep.
That was very kind of you, Ted, especially with your back.
Itit was murder, Peter, but at least it wasn't suicide.
In Tudor times, you'd have just settled into your bath of baked beans or water, we're using baked beans to make it more fun, when you think, I can't reach my bar of soap without getting out and getting spats of baked bean or more likely water, but we're using baked beans to make it more fun, all over my Tudor floor, and there was no Iino in those days.
So, the Tudors came up with a solution which was two-fold.
So, first of all there's the horn which you sound to alert your Tudor servant but they wouldnt always hear you because deafness was a problem then, what with the Wars of the Roses and the gigs, so they also had this contraption.
How it works is you turn the handle and pull down on the lever and it extends the arm.
Normally there'd be a grabber on the end but we're using a boxing glove 'cause it's more fun and as you can see it actually reaches the soap and yes, yes, I'veI've touched the soap.
(ON TV) I've actually touched the soap.
Eureka! Has it nearly finished, Jim? That's it.
Now, what about that sex we discussed? All aboard that's going aboard.
I've got potato crisps on my feet.
Jim, I've been meaning to say.
Could we have sex like we used to without the wackiness? What wackiness? The cycle helmet and the crisps and the shouting bingo.
Bingo! - Remember when you were sexy.
- Sexy? You're a very, very sexy man, Jim, you've just forgotten.
Sounds a bit po-faced.
I was going through some of your old things the other day.
Look at this stuff.
You were cool.
You were an angry, brilliant young historian.
You used to order Martinis and only buy cigarettes in soft packs.
I just feel so empty.
Thanks for trying.
- I was a toss pot.
- Well, maybe a bit, but couldnt you pretend to be like that again? Oh, all right, Anne.
Oh, oh, it's so serious, foreplay, foreplay - You're not trying.
- Well, I can't do it, Anne.
You won't make me regret the day I learned how to make facts fun.
I'm never going back.
This is it now, Anne, with my helmet, my horn and my folding bicycle, I've made millions give a shit about the seed trail and if you don't mind I'm just gonna go and wank off about that.
Oh, Jim! Oh, oh, oh, bingo.
(HONKS HOOTER) - Bingo! - (HONKS HOOTER) Please do it without the honking! You know perfectly well that without the honking nothing happens.
Ooh, ah, ow (WITH LISP) So, David you're a comedian, are you? That sounds like fun.
Yes, I suppose it is.
Actually, there are a couple of funny things happen in a chiropractice.
You could probably use them in your comedy show.
Seriously? Well, you probably have people suggesting stuff all the time.
I wish.
No, we're really stuck for ideas.
What have you got? Oh, well, ermthere's funny words like coccyx, which sounds a bit like, er I don't need to tell you.
You're the comedian.
Cock! Of course, yes.
It sounds like cock, certainly a laugh in that.
- Oh, super.
- Anything else? We really are screwed.
Any whacky incidents or zany people? Well, there's my assistant Debbie.
She's quite a character.
Brilliant, a character.
Soso, how's she a character? Er, well, she sometimes wears a hat.
A hat, good, that can be funny.
This is great, coccyx, a hat.
We'll certainly use both of those.
Anything else? No, that's it, I'm afraid.
Those are the two funny things.
Oh, that's a shame because I must stress we really are out of ideas, and if you can't think of anything, we'll probably do this.
- What, this conversation? - Yeah.
Wow, that's exciting.
So, what? You'd play me? No, I'd play myself.
- What, so I'd play me, then? - No, no, we'd get Robert to do it.
Well, does he look like me? Yeah Er, I don't know.
You're not gonna try and make me look ridiculous just to get a cheap laugh, or give me a gratuitous speech impediment.
No, no, of course not.
Oh, I'm worried that you're just gonna try and humiliate me on the telly.
No, notnot at all.
I suppose we might heighten the reality a little for comic effect.
Hello, Debbie.
Here's your paperwork, sir.
(Man) Excuse me.
Sorry, sorry.
I'm really sorry to interrupt, but Excuse me, sorry.
I'm David Mitchell's real chiropractor and.
.
I'm actually quite upset because, I mean, this isn't Well, that wasn't That wasn't anything like the conversation we had in my office the other week.
F-For a start, I don't sound anything like that.
Sorry.
And secondly while I was easing off his sciatic nerve, I told David Mitchell several genuinely amusing chiropracting stories.
Like the time I was treating Tony Blackburn and afterwards he said, "If anyone here's the real disc jockey, it's you", which was hilarious.
That was good, yeah.
I've still got it.
The blood of Christ keep you in eternal life.
The blood of Christ keep you in eternal life.
(SIR DIGBY HUMS "DEVIL'S GALLOP" BY CHARLES WILLIAMS) Search the altar, Ginger.
Search the altar.
ln a time future historians will one day call the past, at a place l wish l could name, who's left to look out for the man in the street in case he wants his mobile back? Yes, it's the Surprising Adventures of me, Sir Digby Chicken Caesar.
Do you know who I am? Do you know who I am? Ginger, do you know who I am? You're Sir Digby Chicken Caesar, sir.
Oh! Of course, thanks.
The story so far.
ln my continuing quest to find out just who is behind it all and by all, l do mean all, Ginger and l have been invited to an evening at her Majesty's pleasure - but we can't go because we're in prison.
- I've got a plan.
Officer, he's done it, he's gone and done it.
I tried to reason with him, but he wouldnt listen.
(SIR DIGBY HUMS "DEVIL'S GALLOP" BY CHARLES WILLIAMS) Ah, I wish I knew how you did that, Ginger.
Well, sir, my dad used to hang me regularly as a child.
Those were the good days.
- What happened on the bad days? - He tried to have sex with me.
Oh, yes, sorry.
Still that was ages ago, you must be over it by now.
Oh, yeah, I think my life's more or less on track now.
All right, sir.
Shall we go down the arcade and look for ten pees? Ah, a search for clues, good thinking.
To the slotties! (SIR DIGBY HUMS "DEVIL'S GALLOP" BY CHARLES WILLIAMS) Where will my nemesis make his first inevitable mistake? Will he abolish the duty on cider, leave Oyster cards lying around or will he fall for my latest cover identity, the pimp for some Filipino teenagers? Find out next week in the "Surprising Adventures of Sir Digby Chicken Caesar".
Piss off! - I got one! - Ginger, you bastard! Oh, and that's a cracking pot.
And yet not so much as a flicker of joy on Mark Deacon's jowly death mask of a face.
I mean, he must be pleased.
He's just one of these people who finds it very difficult to be happy.
He thinks too much, that's his problem.
I keep saying to him, "Mark, don't go so far inside your head with the snooker.
"The soul is like a pocket.
There's no coming out, "unless you're a colour or the white.
" Peter, I know you won't mind me saying, and Mark certainly won't, but you've been a tremendous support to Mark over the last couple of years, especially that other time he took two hundred pills.
I picked up the phone, Ted, that's all I did, - I happened to be there, Mark rang me.
- Was it a call for help? - In a way it was.
- What did he say? He said "Help.
Help me, Peter.
"Me safety play's all to crap.
I can't go on.
" You were straight in the car and round there, weren't you? Just as soon as I got the Swingball in the boot, yes.
Now, Peter, for those of us that don't know the story, explain the significance of the Swingball.
It was a crazy notion that I had that it would help to relax him, and so I got him out in the garden, in the dark, playing Swingball, tears streaming down his face and Iand I said to him, "Mark, be honest, is this not a little bit better than being dead?" - And what did he say, Peter? - He said yes, Ted.
And we played Swingball all through that beautiful night, until the sun came up and things started to feel a little better.
Well, Mark, this is for you.
# Never seen you looking so shiny as you did tonight # I never seen your face so tight # You were amazing # Never seen so many players wonder if the long pot is on # Looking for a little cannon # A cut as thin as a thong # And I have never seen such a clearance # Such a clearance in all the pots in every way # No more safety play # Table of reds # Is dancing with me # Cush to cush # And nothing is wrong # This big pink is on # But where's the cue ball gone # And I hardly know # To play with stun or side # Never to forget # This shot-to-nothing life # Never to forget # My table of reds # That's for you, Mark.
Keep on keeping on.
God bless and cheer the fuck up.
- Was it you that found the body? - Yeah, I found it by my cave next to my fire, first thing this morning.
- And can I ask what you do? - I'm a caveman, same as everyone else.
- Of course.
- Yeah.
So, I found the body first thing and I immediately went to the caveman police.
You did the right thing.
Leave it to us.
An expert will determine cause of death.
- Right.
- Here is Cavewoman Pathologist Ursula.
- Morning, Detective.
- Morning, Ursula.
- This could be an interesting one.
- Let's have a look.
Oh, looks like this man was killed with some kind of stone implement.
Not again.
It's rife.
Sometimes I think the whole advance into stone technologys been a double-edged sword.
- A what? What did you say? - I've no idea.
Time of death? Er, I think I can narrow it down to, ersometime before now.
OK, let's start investigating.
Did anyone see this man being killed? No.
Right, I'm all out of ideas.
All we know, is that at some point before now, someone hit this man to death with a stone and no one saw who it was.
- The perfect crime.
- The perfect crime.
(SNIGGERS) (UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER) Admiral, we bring shocking news.
Two hours ago, our beloved Fuhrer Adolph Hitler took his own life.
Oh, right.
Thatthat is sad.
And you Admiral Donitz have been named as his successor.
Yes! Yes! Whoo! In your face, Goring! Whoo! Yes! Whoo! Sorry, sorry, sorry, guys.
Whoo! Eat it! This isthis is a great opportunity.
(EXPLOSION) Yeah.
I-I've got loads of great ideas for Germany.
Mm, I think we should do more autobahns, they're great.
We need to look at pensions, there's a growing housing shortage - Er, listen.
- Ooh, sorry.
Can I just make a quick call? Yes, mein Fuhrer.
Nice.
Hi, darling, yeah, it's me.
You're never gonna guess, they've made me the new Fuhrer.
Yeah.
Yeah, shot himself.
Well, Frieda, this is an opportunity that I've just got to take.
Well, they were hardly gonna give me the job when everything was going well.
Look, we'll talk about this later, OK? But heil me, though, eh? Heil me? Oh.
Right, where was I? Oh, yes, ideas.
When can we have a policy meeting? We've taken the liberty of drawing up a list of priorities.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
So, here's General Eisenhower's telephone number, here's the English for "we give up" and here's an analysis of our military situation in one rude word.
Right.
You've taken the wind out of my sails.
Sorry.
Hang on, thisthis isn't just one of those pranks you play on all the new Fuhrers, is it? (EXPLOSION) - No.
- Oh.
Oh, I see.
So, youyou just need someone to say that we've surrendered.
Seems silly, I know, but, erm no, we just literally do need someone actually to say we've done that.
- Right.
- It's red tape, really.
You see, I-I thought I was gonna get to be a proper Yes, that was our fault.
We, erm We didn't mean to give you that impression.
All right, I'll make the call.
(CLEARS THROAT) Erm Y-you wouldnt mind just doing me a quick "Heil Donitz!" would you? Just so I can say I've had one.
- I don't think that would - Please.
Heil Donitz.
Thanks, guys.
(APPLAUSE AND WHOOPS) Welcome to "Wordwang", the spin-off series with a difference, and that difference is words.
Joining me are Julie from Yorkshire and Simon who's from a factory and made from metal.
(CLANG) - Ever killed a man? - No.
- Simon? - Yes.
Great, let's play Wordwang.
- Round one, Julie to play first.
- Shed.
- Trowel.
- Buzz.
- You buzzing in? - No.
That's Wordwang.
Simon? - Smear.
- Towards.
- Fastidious.
- That's Wordwang.
On to round three, animals.
Simon? - Mattress.
- That's Wordwang.
- However.
- That's Wordwang.
- Deforesting.
- That's Wordwang.
- Lineage.
- (HOOTER) Oh, bad luck, JuIie, that's not an animal.
You lose two letters.
So, Uli it's you to start as we move on to the word board.
Today's categories, countries of the world.
Erm, I'll take Bethania, Fintanland and the Independent Republic of Yeb.
That's Wordwang.
Simon? I'll have, ermMingy, Montestan and, erIreland.
Oh, bad luck, Simon, I'm afraid Irelands not a vegetable.
You lose three letters.
Entering the final round, Im, you're leading with tarpaulin and Uli, you're trailing with H.
It's time for you to face the Wordwangerator.
Let's rotate the board.
(CLICK) (GUNSHOT) Welcome back to the Wordwangerator.
Word up, Im.
- Brisket.
- Oh, good, Uli? - Parallel.
- Nice.
- Nice.
- Nice.
- Nearly.
- Almost.
- Pinch.
- Embolden.
- Arbitrarily.
- Oh.
- Crevice.
- Crevasse.
- Cravat.
- Tie.
Yes, that is Wordwang! Im, you've beaten the Wordwangerator, making you today's Wordwang.
Uli, you've been Wordwangerated, making you today's anti-Wordwang.
Until tomorrow (ALL) Good Wordwang! (PING) Fifteen years we've been waiting for them to fit that.
Oh, and that's a bad miss.
And young Mark Deacon will be very sad to have missed that blue but hopefully not as sad as he was about six months ago.
Yes, indeed, I think the whole of snooker was very much behind Mark in the terrible battle he's had with his own personal demons.
Yes, I'm sure Mark wouldnt mind it being known that he has, of course, sadly tried to top himself twice.
Yes but that's many fewer times than he's tried to reach the final of a ranking tournament .
.
and he hasn't managed that either.
I still think it was insensitive of Steve Davis to say that to his face.
That was cold.
I mean, in the middle of the dance floor, the end-of-season bash, and Steve Davis, your childhood hero, is screaming at you, cheer the F up, you miserable C.
That's enough to make anyone reach for the paracetamol.
I wouldnt like it.
So, four bedrooms, off-road parking, nice bit of garden at the back.
(MAN) Great.
Here we are.
So, Tom's a banker.
What does Wendy do? - Er, I work for a charity.
- Oh, yeah, which one? It's a charity that provides counselling and practical support for survivors of torture.
Torture, really? Ooh.
I tell you what's torture round here, the traffic.
Getting round the North Circular, I'm a torture survivor (!) - Right.
- No, not really.
So, you must have some stories.
- Erm - What's the worst thing that's happened to anyone you've counselled? - Oh, you know, some not very nice things.
- Yeah, I'll bet.
What's the worst thing? The really gruesome stuff? - I don't think - What's the really, "My God, I can't believe "they do that to people"? The most disgusting torture anyone's been through? - You really don't want to know.
- I do.
- No, you don't.
- I really do.
Come on, how bad can it be? Well, ermI once worked with someone who .
.
and obviously coping with that was very difficult for him.
The en suite, is that the only bathroom? You callous bitch.
Standing around with your latte, looking for somewhere nice with a garden in zone two, when you know what you know about what goes on.
- You have to remain detached.
- It's just a job for you, is it? Nine to five.
"I'm sorry, Umbuloo, that does sound like a pisser, "but I've got to go and see a lovely garden flat in Muswell Hill, "then someone's coming to mend the dishwasher, "but that holds no terror for me because I don't associate "a knock on the door with unspeakable violation.
" Everyone has to have a day off.
I need a fucking month off now.
That has brought up a lot of things.
- A lot of things.
- I didn't mean to I think it's best if you go.
Don't leave me.
OK, so we're gonna try and stage a bit of a reconstruction, see if it jogs anyone's memory.
So the victim was on his way back to his cave from hunting or starting a fire or Well, that's it.
Off you go.
- (TUTS) - When the attacker may have done something like this.
Something like that, we don't know.
- Is HE dead now? - Yeah.
That's a very good reconstruction.
Yeah.
What's happened over the last 50 years is that shopping has become a leisure pursuit that people can actually enjoy.
Yeah, people have got more money and everything's a hell of a lot more relaxed.
- Can I help you, sir? - Yeah, cheers.
I'm just vaguely looking at suits right now, something cazh but also cool and dark so you can wear it in the evening.
A business suit that is simultaneously a dinner suit - and a tail coat and a pair of pyjamas.
- Yeah, around the kind of 100, 150 mark.
Which is fashioned from sack cloth and string? - Sorry? - Do you wish to look smart or are you looking for a newer version of what you're wearing now? - If you've got something like this - Something Italian and ill-fitting and so shiny I can see my face in it, in stark contrast to your shoes? Eryeah.
We do not.
Sorry, what happened to the friendly Australian girl - that used to work here? - She's gone, sir.
They've all gone.
They've been driven out and the burning remains of their tawdry rags cast after them and we're back.
- Who? - The incredibly intimidating and aristocratic people who still unaccountably sell clothes.
We don't like being talked to by people with their hands in their pockets.
- I beg your pardon.
- I'll overlook it just this once.
- Listen - I've seen you in here before, slouching around the place in your slip-on shoes and your motorcycle jacket, looking like a mechanic who's won the pools.
I've seen you with your tin earring and your black-marketeer swagger.
We've all seen you and we all thought you were a turd.
Do you wish to be smart or do you wish to leave this place as you entered it, looking like a slack-jawed spiv.
- Why are you treating me like this? - I'm trying to help you to have standards.
I'm trying to make you know that the world isn't pleased to see you.
You aren't needed or included or loved.
You're ugly and superfluous and ignorant and you should be frightened and meek and grateful.
- Right.
- That's better.
Now first things first, let's get you a hat.
Do you think people will like these private moments where we're just being ourselves? This isn't private, there's a camera there.
Well, no, but still it is more, you know, the kind of stuff where The sort of bits where (BOTH) .
.
we're just you know chatting and kind of I don't know how to put itbut, you know.
- This is all scripted.
- What? This is as made up as the rest of it.
This isn't improvised, look.
Bloody hell.
It says I say "bloody hell" here.
Yeah, I know, that's my cue.
"David: Yeah, I know.
That's my cue.
" Yeah.
"Robert, reading, 'David: Yeah, I know.
That's my cue.
"' - Just put that away.
- Says I don't.
But what happens next? It says "Cut to a close-up of the script", "It reads cut to a close-up of the script.
" "It reads cut to a close-up of the script.
" "It reads cut to a close-up of the script.
" It goes on forever.
- Shit! - Yeah.
You say "Shit", that's the penultimate line.
Oh, and that's a bad miss.
Yeah, and viewers in the north may once again be experiencing sound difficulties.
- Come on - Oh, that'll do.
Yes, well, that was a lucky chance for young Mark Deacon but as usual he approaches the table with, how does one put it, a face like a slapped arse.
Have you ever seen that man smile, Ted? Only in his sleep, Peter, only in his sleep.
Viewers might want background on that because I believe it was you, Ted, who foiled one of Mark's How shall we put it? .
.
bids for oblivion, wasn't it? I-I have that honour.
It wasit was during the Welsh Open and Mark had been knocked out that day and I was just making me way back to me hotel room at around about four in the morning from the bar and as luck would have it Mark had the room next to me in the hotel and something had been up all week 'cause I heard him late at night singing the snooker words to "Lady in Red".
I should explain to viewers that there are some special snooker words to the pop song "Lady in Red", which all of us in snooker know.
They're secret special snooker words to "Lady in Red" that we all know.
Viewers are perhaps interested to know what the secret snooker words to "Lady in Red" actually are.
Yes, but unfortunately, we're all sworn to secrecy.
Anyway, Mark's hotel bedroom door was open and I could hear water running.
Tell us again what you did, Ted.
Yeah, well, well, I went in there and I made him sick it all up, but he was inconsolable, kept going on about his cueing which is far from perfect but I didn't say that.
You did right.
I-I remember I-I just held him for hours, until he stopped sobbing and managed slowly to drift off to sleep.
That was very kind of you, Ted, especially with your back.
Itit was murder, Peter, but at least it wasn't suicide.
In Tudor times, you'd have just settled into your bath of baked beans or water, we're using baked beans to make it more fun, when you think, I can't reach my bar of soap without getting out and getting spats of baked bean or more likely water, but we're using baked beans to make it more fun, all over my Tudor floor, and there was no Iino in those days.
So, the Tudors came up with a solution which was two-fold.
So, first of all there's the horn which you sound to alert your Tudor servant but they wouldnt always hear you because deafness was a problem then, what with the Wars of the Roses and the gigs, so they also had this contraption.
How it works is you turn the handle and pull down on the lever and it extends the arm.
Normally there'd be a grabber on the end but we're using a boxing glove 'cause it's more fun and as you can see it actually reaches the soap and yes, yes, I'veI've touched the soap.
(ON TV) I've actually touched the soap.
Eureka! Has it nearly finished, Jim? That's it.
Now, what about that sex we discussed? All aboard that's going aboard.
I've got potato crisps on my feet.
Jim, I've been meaning to say.
Could we have sex like we used to without the wackiness? What wackiness? The cycle helmet and the crisps and the shouting bingo.
Bingo! - Remember when you were sexy.
- Sexy? You're a very, very sexy man, Jim, you've just forgotten.
Sounds a bit po-faced.
I was going through some of your old things the other day.
Look at this stuff.
You were cool.
You were an angry, brilliant young historian.
You used to order Martinis and only buy cigarettes in soft packs.
I just feel so empty.
Thanks for trying.
- I was a toss pot.
- Well, maybe a bit, but couldnt you pretend to be like that again? Oh, all right, Anne.
Oh, oh, it's so serious, foreplay, foreplay - You're not trying.
- Well, I can't do it, Anne.
You won't make me regret the day I learned how to make facts fun.
I'm never going back.
This is it now, Anne, with my helmet, my horn and my folding bicycle, I've made millions give a shit about the seed trail and if you don't mind I'm just gonna go and wank off about that.
Oh, Jim! Oh, oh, oh, bingo.
(HONKS HOOTER) - Bingo! - (HONKS HOOTER) Please do it without the honking! You know perfectly well that without the honking nothing happens.
Ooh, ah, ow (WITH LISP) So, David you're a comedian, are you? That sounds like fun.
Yes, I suppose it is.
Actually, there are a couple of funny things happen in a chiropractice.
You could probably use them in your comedy show.
Seriously? Well, you probably have people suggesting stuff all the time.
I wish.
No, we're really stuck for ideas.
What have you got? Oh, well, ermthere's funny words like coccyx, which sounds a bit like, er I don't need to tell you.
You're the comedian.
Cock! Of course, yes.
It sounds like cock, certainly a laugh in that.
- Oh, super.
- Anything else? We really are screwed.
Any whacky incidents or zany people? Well, there's my assistant Debbie.
She's quite a character.
Brilliant, a character.
Soso, how's she a character? Er, well, she sometimes wears a hat.
A hat, good, that can be funny.
This is great, coccyx, a hat.
We'll certainly use both of those.
Anything else? No, that's it, I'm afraid.
Those are the two funny things.
Oh, that's a shame because I must stress we really are out of ideas, and if you can't think of anything, we'll probably do this.
- What, this conversation? - Yeah.
Wow, that's exciting.
So, what? You'd play me? No, I'd play myself.
- What, so I'd play me, then? - No, no, we'd get Robert to do it.
Well, does he look like me? Yeah Er, I don't know.
You're not gonna try and make me look ridiculous just to get a cheap laugh, or give me a gratuitous speech impediment.
No, no, of course not.
Oh, I'm worried that you're just gonna try and humiliate me on the telly.
No, notnot at all.
I suppose we might heighten the reality a little for comic effect.
Hello, Debbie.
Here's your paperwork, sir.
(Man) Excuse me.
Sorry, sorry.
I'm really sorry to interrupt, but Excuse me, sorry.
I'm David Mitchell's real chiropractor and.
.
I'm actually quite upset because, I mean, this isn't Well, that wasn't That wasn't anything like the conversation we had in my office the other week.
F-For a start, I don't sound anything like that.
Sorry.
And secondly while I was easing off his sciatic nerve, I told David Mitchell several genuinely amusing chiropracting stories.
Like the time I was treating Tony Blackburn and afterwards he said, "If anyone here's the real disc jockey, it's you", which was hilarious.
That was good, yeah.
I've still got it.
The blood of Christ keep you in eternal life.
The blood of Christ keep you in eternal life.
(SIR DIGBY HUMS "DEVIL'S GALLOP" BY CHARLES WILLIAMS) Search the altar, Ginger.
Search the altar.
ln a time future historians will one day call the past, at a place l wish l could name, who's left to look out for the man in the street in case he wants his mobile back? Yes, it's the Surprising Adventures of me, Sir Digby Chicken Caesar.
Do you know who I am? Do you know who I am? Ginger, do you know who I am? You're Sir Digby Chicken Caesar, sir.
Oh! Of course, thanks.
The story so far.
ln my continuing quest to find out just who is behind it all and by all, l do mean all, Ginger and l have been invited to an evening at her Majesty's pleasure - but we can't go because we're in prison.
- I've got a plan.
Officer, he's done it, he's gone and done it.
I tried to reason with him, but he wouldnt listen.
(SIR DIGBY HUMS "DEVIL'S GALLOP" BY CHARLES WILLIAMS) Ah, I wish I knew how you did that, Ginger.
Well, sir, my dad used to hang me regularly as a child.
Those were the good days.
- What happened on the bad days? - He tried to have sex with me.
Oh, yes, sorry.
Still that was ages ago, you must be over it by now.
Oh, yeah, I think my life's more or less on track now.
All right, sir.
Shall we go down the arcade and look for ten pees? Ah, a search for clues, good thinking.
To the slotties! (SIR DIGBY HUMS "DEVIL'S GALLOP" BY CHARLES WILLIAMS) Where will my nemesis make his first inevitable mistake? Will he abolish the duty on cider, leave Oyster cards lying around or will he fall for my latest cover identity, the pimp for some Filipino teenagers? Find out next week in the "Surprising Adventures of Sir Digby Chicken Caesar".
Piss off! - I got one! - Ginger, you bastard! Oh, and that's a cracking pot.
And yet not so much as a flicker of joy on Mark Deacon's jowly death mask of a face.
I mean, he must be pleased.
He's just one of these people who finds it very difficult to be happy.
He thinks too much, that's his problem.
I keep saying to him, "Mark, don't go so far inside your head with the snooker.
"The soul is like a pocket.
There's no coming out, "unless you're a colour or the white.
" Peter, I know you won't mind me saying, and Mark certainly won't, but you've been a tremendous support to Mark over the last couple of years, especially that other time he took two hundred pills.
I picked up the phone, Ted, that's all I did, - I happened to be there, Mark rang me.
- Was it a call for help? - In a way it was.
- What did he say? He said "Help.
Help me, Peter.
"Me safety play's all to crap.
I can't go on.
" You were straight in the car and round there, weren't you? Just as soon as I got the Swingball in the boot, yes.
Now, Peter, for those of us that don't know the story, explain the significance of the Swingball.
It was a crazy notion that I had that it would help to relax him, and so I got him out in the garden, in the dark, playing Swingball, tears streaming down his face and Iand I said to him, "Mark, be honest, is this not a little bit better than being dead?" - And what did he say, Peter? - He said yes, Ted.
And we played Swingball all through that beautiful night, until the sun came up and things started to feel a little better.
Well, Mark, this is for you.
# Never seen you looking so shiny as you did tonight # I never seen your face so tight # You were amazing # Never seen so many players wonder if the long pot is on # Looking for a little cannon # A cut as thin as a thong # And I have never seen such a clearance # Such a clearance in all the pots in every way # No more safety play # Table of reds # Is dancing with me # Cush to cush # And nothing is wrong # This big pink is on # But where's the cue ball gone # And I hardly know # To play with stun or side # Never to forget # This shot-to-nothing life # Never to forget # My table of reds # That's for you, Mark.
Keep on keeping on.
God bless and cheer the fuck up.