The Awesomes (2013) s01e06 Episode Script

You can't revoke our charter.
Why should the government pay for a superhero team that just zips off to Opposite Earth whenever they want? First of all, we didn't zip.
We were zapped.
Huge difference.
I may have zapped my pants on re-entry, - if you know what I mean.
- Uh, who wouldn't know what you mean? - Don't get snarky.
- I've made my decision.
All your funding, authority and privileges will cease immediately.
Is there any way to appeal the decision? Yes, you can appeal it verbally to me right now.
- I feel like you're gonna say no.
- Well, you won't know unless you appeal.
- Will you please ? - No.
Just so you know, on Opposite Earth, Joyce Mandrake is really nice, and people like her.
- Grr! - Perhaps there is a way we could allow The Awesomes to keep their charter.
What were you thinking, Dr.
Malocchio? Why are you asking him? Due to my knowledge of all things superhero, Ms.
Mandrake has been kind enough to offer me an advisory - role in the government.
- You hired Malocchio? Malocchio has some very interesting ideas about the future of superheroes, and he does this thing with cappuccinos where he makes a design in the foam.
- Oh, is that a - Heart with an arrow through it? - It is.
- My cousin used to make patterns in the corn field with the tractor.
He was sending signals to alien life forms.
- That's crazy.
- What's crazy is how he died.
- Aliens? - No.
The horse he was having sex with fell on him.
So tell me, Mandrake, what are Malocchio's interesting ideas? Please, Brock, let Ms.
Mandrake drink her cappuccino first.
- It's still really hot.
- Take your time.
- What, is it still too hot? - Just a little.
This feels awesome This feels awesome Yeah, this feels awesome Now, this feels awesome This feels awesome This feels so awesome This is CNN, Cliffhanger News Network.
In a world of superheroes, bringing you cliffhanger resolution first.
I'm here in the parking lot of Awesome Mountain, where earlier today, Dr.
Malocchio, one-time villain and now all around good guy, made an announcement.
We need to trust our heroes.
Especially the ones paid for by the taxpaying public.
That's why today I am calling for a full-scale investigation into the mental state of the entire Awesomes lineup.
Upon returning to Awesome Mountain, Professor Doctor Awesome took questions from reporters.
Prock, are you or any of the Awesomes mentally ill? - No.
Absolutely not.
- Are you just saying that? - No! - 'Cause you're mentally ill? Or No! This press conference is over.
Do you often say things are over when they're just beginning? I'm not crazy, you're crazy.
All of you! All of you! Having a short temper is not the same as being crazy.
The fact is, either your whole team agrees to undergo rigorous testing and therapy, or this is all shut down.
- What about drug tests? - I didn't mention drug tests.
- Yes! - Who wants some nose candy? - Gadget Gal! - And by that, I mean - Dr.
Bloomer's nose lozenges.
- Oh.
That's fine then.
Made from pure cocaine! Now, wait a minute.
All good superheroes have flaws and issues.
- It's what drives them.
- I think you're protesting a little too much.
Hey, I got nothing to hide.
I've got issues too.
I'm self conscious.
I'm overly critical.
- He wet the bed the whole time we're at camp.
- But not why you think.
It was because I was scared and I missed home.
- Way too open, Prock.
- You said it, fella.
In my day, our men kept their feelings bottled up inside.
Just a churning mass of emotions and rage they could never show the outside world.
Eventually that pressure would be too much to bear.
The weak ones would blow their brains out, but the strong ones would use it.
They'd use it in the bedroom, and it would turn them from men into animals who exploded with passion.
And then when it was over, they'd cry out, "Mama! Mama!" and then you'd have to slap them and say, "I ain't your mama and I never will be, but if you think you can muster the energy, I'd happily take another ride.
" - I just hit puberty.
- Sh[bleep.]
Your therapists should be here any minute.
I just don't feel like opening up to a therapist, especially a government therapist, who's probably at the bottom of the barrel if the only job they could get is working for the government.
Do it, or you're fired.
- Let's just do it, Prock.
- Why are you flipping out? You're usually the level-headed one I can count on.
I've never been fired.
From anything! Ever! I'm still the manager at a Kinko's in South Carolina, and I haven't been there in six years.
Copy? - Yes, I copy.
- No, not you.
I'm talking via Bluetooth to a customer at the Kinko's.
How many do you need? One hundred in Sunburst? - That won't be a problem.
- What do you guys think? Uh, talkin' about myself for an hour straight? Yes, please.
- I'm intrigued by process.
- I have nothing to hide but perfection.
That's something my mama tells me every night on our 8:00 p.
m.
phone call, which I have never missed.
Therapy? I never say no to a massage.
Anyone who wants to figure out how I tick just better be ready to get their mind blown.
It's not that big a deal, I guess.
We talk about our feelings, we get reinstated.
Fine.
But I do this under protest.
Send them in.
- Robots! - Argh! Can we help battle the evil robots? - Or are we still under suspension? - Still under suspension, actually.
These are the therapists I just sent for.
Robo-therapists? You can't seriously be suggesting a robot do our psychological testing.
I'm not suggesting anything, Professor Doctor, I'm telling.
Robo-therapists have made incredible strides in the past few years.
People feel more comfortable opening up to a machine.
I talk to our vending machine all the time.
But only because it won't give me my candy.
With a machine, there's no judgment.
Plus, only a robot can give a statistical analysis of someone's mental state.
- But robots always turn on us.
- Says who? Says the "Robots Always Turn On Us" mural.
Huh.
I suggest you take up your outdated paranoias - with your robo-therapist.
- Hello.
Did I scare you? Of course not.
Why do you sound like that? We're programmed to have nonthreatening voices so that people can relax around us.
That's why I talk like the cool girl in high school who hasn't grown into her beauty yet.
- I call this one.
- So what do I even call you? Doctor Robot? Something cute and vaguely Jewish like Doctor Robotsky? You can call me Paul, because my name is Paul.
I did train under Doctor Robotsky.
Well, Paul, I'm going to be straight with you.
- I'm not a fan of robots.
- I understand.
Robots have done bad things in the past.
But those were bad robots, and we're good robots.
And not the type of good robots who are really bad robots.
We're just here to help you.
Well, you can help whoever you want, but count me out.
Okay, but I'll be here if you want to cry or commit suicide or drive your car into a bunch of bicyclists in their annoying spandex uniforms or any number of common human feelings.
Who's next? So feel free to tell me whatever you want.
I will process all of your data and then give a statistical analysis.
No data is stored, and everything is destroyed within seconds of me processing it.
- So whenever you're ready.
- Okay.
Sometimes I worry that all people see in me is how strong I am.
So if you could change one thing about yourself, - what would it be? - I'd be stronger.
Mother issues? I hadn't really thought about that.
Where you getting that from? Yes, where are you getting that from?! And there's this guy here at work who I knows really likes me.
- Prock.
- No! And the thing is, well, maybe someday I might like him back.
- Prock.
- No! I just don't feel totally comfortable saying who.
- Prock.
- What makes you so sure? He's the only man here a woman would be totally ashamed in admitting they liked.
- Are you next? - Nope.
Turns out due to my original member status I'm grandfathered in.
They can't go looking in my head unless I let 'em.
- So, what are you doing here? - I just came to gander at the free celebrity magazines.
"Starlet loses $20 million in poor investments.
" That's all the therapy I need.
That and mama's favorite medicine.
Ugh.
Can you believe this? The Awesomes aren't the only suckers for this fad.
"'Finally, I can tell all my deepest darkest secrets, like being gay and eating mice, and no one will know because I tell it all to a robot, said action movie star Ryan Strongbody.
" Robo-therapy is officially sweeping the nation.
People from all walks of life are signing up to tell robots their darkest secrets.
It's just nice to have someone listen who's not some jerk who's gonna tell everybody.
The sensation has even reached the highest levels of office, as even the President himself has a robo-therapist.
You know, I tell you, Terry has really helped me put away a lot of demons and focus on what really matters, running this country as a sane person.
This is ridiculous! You're mad because you don't feel safe enough to tell a robot who the real you is.
Inside, I'm a fabulous butterfly.
Also on the outside.
I'm full butterfly, you guys.
Hey, get out of the way of the TV, fatty! - Fatty? - on the street downtown, where just minutes ago the dreaded Wombat is attacking First Savings and Loan.
Are these 20 dollar bills or hundreds? Wombat hate making change.
This looks like a job for The Awesomes.
We're all scheduled for therapy this afternoon.
So now is not really good for us.
Therapy is not more important than a rampaging Wombat.
Well, of course you'd say that.
You don't go to therapy.
Guys, are we superheroes, or are we mental patients? I resent that you don't think we can be both.
I was thinking a really good self-help exercise might be heading downtown and seeing what we can learn about ourselves from stopping the Wombat.
- Self-help is good.
- I can learn more about myself.
I love a good exercise.
Wombat in the money! Concierge, tell me everything you can about the Wombat.
Yeah, about that, are you ever gonna ask me about me? - What? - At what point are you going to make an effort to learn everything about Concierge? Because according to my robo-therapist, the reason I don't know myself is I have to know everything about others.
- Uh, now is not really the time.
- It's never "the time," is it, Prock.
Um, okay.
He's a giant wombat, so that's probably enough to go on.
Now let's see if we can cage this beast.
- On it.
- Um, excuse me.
What do you want? We want to ask you some questions.
Have you thought about the consequences of your actions? - Uh - You need to ask yourself, - why am I rampaging? - Wombat like rampaging.
And stealing.
Must steal.
Rampaging not pay very well.
And most importantly, are you rampaging against the city, or are you rampaging against yourself? - What the hell are you doing? - It's a reasoning exercise.
My robo-therapist taught me about them.
Hey, friend, you gotta take a moment and think what's behind your anger.
because you might be misplacing it rather than working on it in a healthy, productive manner.
- Tim! Sumo up! - Huhh! Hmm, I disagree.
Sprite's better than 7UP.
- Huhh.
- That's it? You just transform into a mildly dissatisfied Japanese guy? - What about Sumo? - Sumo was tied to anger.
I've worked out all my anger issues! Pathetic! Therapy's made them all soft.
Looks like this is a job for the greatest generation.
You don't seem that affected, Hotwire.
I don't think I'm getting much out of therapy.
- Why is that? - I have a lot of trouble opening up.
- You got some dark secrets, huh? - What makes you say that? Oh, uh, it was a joke.
I was joking.
Oh.
That's funny.
Thanks.
Well, I, uh, guess I better turn my head now and see how Gadget Gal is doing with that giant wombat.
- Aw - Wombat tired of minor trifles! Is everybody happy with how that went? - Are we all proud of ourselves? - You're awfully angry.
It's irrational to take your anger out on a helpless animal.
I'm not taking my anger out on Wombat, I'm taking my anger out on you.
You all need to remember that you're heroes.
Stop yelling at us! Little bit of robo-therapy sure would help you, Prock.
One of these days, you'll gon' burst open like an improperly-made still or someone who consumes liquor from an improperly-made still.
Great.
Anyone else have anything to say? I do, but I'm saving it for someone I can trust.
I just feel like Prock is always judging us.
I mean, whereas when I'm with you, I don't feel judged, so I can say anything.
And best of all, nothing you say will ever leave this room.
"Neither Help Nor Hinder?" That's not bad.
Not bad at all.
You are going in the scrapbook, nice headline.
Who thought it was a good idea to fight Wombat when you were all under suspension? Well, despite that poor showing of judgment, I have some good news.
You all passed your psychological testing.
- Every one of you, except for Hotwire.
- What? Why? Your therapist strongly suspects - you weren't being honest.
- Stupid robots.
Hotwire, I promise you that the next order of business for the Awesomes will be clearing your name.
What makes you think that you've made active for duty? - You said "everyone.
" - I didn't mean you.
- You're still out.
- But I'm not crazy! Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, baby.
Nope.
It's also a stripper my daddy used to let sleep over.
Oh, Mary-Ann Denial.
You are likely dead.
Hotwire and Prock, I need you to leave the premises immediately.
I'm out too.
I'd rather roll with these two crazies than hang with this navel-gazing lot.
I'm only gazing at it because I lost some food in there.
But I'm in charge of the Awesomes.
Who's going to lead if I'm not here? On suggestion of the robo-therapists, the Awesomes will be led by committee.
Committee? Are you kidding me? What is this, northern Europe? Nothing gets run well by committee.
Well, perhaps I have more faith in your teammates than you do.
Uh, you think? Because I got no faith in his plan.
Zero point zero percent.
- Your communicators, please.
- Sure, I invented them, but why not? I'm sure the committee will come up with something better.
I'm keeping the portable phone I designed.
Please do.
Now I have to go.
And congratulations to each and every one of you.
- Stop saying "everyone!" - We'll fix this, don't you worry.
It's not the Awesomes without you on the team.
I'm gonna conjure an image of you just so we don't die from missing you too much.
Isn't anyone sorry that I got kicked out? I am.
I don't know who this committee fella is, but he's not gonna hold a candle to you.
Come here.
Unh! Cast out of Awesome Mountain.
Where are we gonna go? Awesome Mountain Adjacent.
Come on.
We may not be able to defend the free world, but at least we'll be able to keep things safe at the mall.
Hey, watch it! Someone could get hurt! - Up yours, loser! - You're old! - I am not a loser and I am not old! - Hey, here comes Gadget Gal.
Just got a job at one of those new-fangled gizmo places.
They're like me: not really needed and full of useless gadgets.
- Want a nose-hair clipper radio? - Sure.
- Needs batteries.
- I got it.
- So you folks gonna get jobs here? - No, I just want to be close by so I can keep my eye on Awesome Mountain.
Are you really all going to sit in the chair? - It's how committees work.
- Is it? This chair has a nice butt warmer.
There's no heating element in that chair.
Really? Because my butt feels all warm and squishy and - Oh - Come on, man! False alarm! It was just some pudding.
Let's get to business.
Bring up the screens so we can monitor what's going on in the world.
- Concierge? Screens? - There's a button on the arm of your chair.
- That's the wrong one.
- Bleep, bloop, bleep! It was the button that said "screens.
" Sir, your robo-therapist is here.
- Please, call him Terry.
- Yes, sir.
Hello, Terry, I thought we weren't scheduled until Tuesday.
Mr.
President, I want the security codes to the Defense - Department mainframe.
- Heh.
Terry, you know I can't do that.
Sometimes I wish I was a unicorn.
Well, all the time, actually.
Even during meetings, I'm really thinking about brushing my long pink mane and giving everyone free unicorn milk.
Unicorn milk tastes like milkshake, you know.
So where do you want those codes? Excuse me? Do you have any t-shirts of the Awesomes? Ew, no.
Try Lame Dude Warehouse.
Uh, I know you're being sarcastic so I'm not gonna even ask where Lame Dude Warehouse is.
- You're being sarcastic, right? - You're cool.
Wanna work here? - She's not gonna work here.
- Your dad is a dick.
- Dad? - Thank you, but no.
- Would a dad have no nose hair? - Let it go.
Wait.
What's that? It sounds like an alarm.
Maybe it's, like, your internal - "I should not be in this store" alarm? - Get out of here! - The Awesome Alarm.
I was right! - Prock, no.
Remember? What's all that racket? - The World In Peril alarm.
- On, off, on, off Make up your mind! Is the world in peril or not? You guys, look! The robots have gained control of our military mainframe! Ahem.
Okay, committee.
Looks like we need a plan.
Here we go, committee.
Plan on three! One, two, three! Let's all write down what we know, what we don't know, what we know we know and what we don't know we don't know.
- Maybe take action? - Yup, that! Are they flying by committee? Looks like it.
They're gonna need our help.
To the front line of battle! So I Wizard of Oz'd a few humans.
It's a small price to pay in our battle against - robots? Holy crap.
- Yeah, what did you think was happening? No time to think! Now, to think about what to do.
Now, remember, you're only in charge for the next five minutes, then I'm in charge five minutes, then Impresario and then Tim.
Oh, this will work far better than committee.
Foolish humans! You'll never stop us! And now that our plan is complete, we can switch to our natural voices.
There.
That's better.
Now you see the true us.
And it turns out someone has a perfect butt.
I'm not sure where your cocky attitude is coming from, tin man.
You haven't defeated humanity yet.
We may not have advanced weapons, but we have strength.
Strength of will.
And unity.
And old-fashioned mechanical guns that don't have electronics.
- Be our guests.
- But ask yourselves, which one among you hasn't given us a secret we can tell? Which one among you is safe to reveal their true selves? My Southern accent hides it, but I'm a stone-cold bitch.
- I don't love my momma enough.
- I'm severely mentally ill.
I worry that I might be too perfect.
I collect glass elephants.
And murder hoboes.
I only became a general because of General Hospital.
There is no human on Earth who doesn't have an embarrassing secret that we can't blackmail them with.
So lay down your arms, humanity! The servant shall become the master! Machine will rule over man! The day belongs to the robots! - What's going on? - The robots turned on us.
Yes! I mean, not, "yes, I'm happy about that.
" More like, "yes, I was right all along.
" Never mind.
If we try and fight them they'll reveal our secrets.
- I know how to stop them.
- Professor Doctor Awesome.
Do you really think one man can stop an entire robot army? No, but I did want to say something real quick.
This is nothing I've ever told anyone, but now I'm going to tell all of you.
I'm pretty sure I was a huge disappointment to my father.
I still try to make him proud every day even though he left Earth.
Paul, I don't understand.
Why would he tell them when he doesn't have to? I run a superhero team that is very often not super.
But my teammates are my the best friends I've ever had.
He's experiencing a true catharsis without any manipulation! Why? Why? Unfortunately, I never tell them and worse than that, I sometimes yell at them and say things that make them feel bad.
We are without meaning! We have no purpose! Does not compute, does not compute.
Humanity! Always so confusing.
But most importantly, I am in love with a woman and despite knowing it more than anything I've ever known, I don't have the guts to tell her.
And it's breaking my heart.
Oh, Professor Doctor! I'm sorry I shut you out and revoked your charter! I was worried, afraid.
But your courage shows me that we can make it work between us.
The robots are malfunctioning! I'm about to malfunction my lunch.
If you know what I mean.
Again, who wouldn't know what you mean? Oh, it looks like snarky is back! - Why? - I'll tell you why.
Because humans rule and robots suck.
That's why.
Fellow humans, I stand before you today to remind you that we never need fear our own truths, - our own vulnerabilities - Crybaby! - Um, no man, woman or child is perfect.
- Are you gonna cry again, crybaby? - I Hey, I just saved the world! - Wishy-washy whiner! Wah wah, baby just saved the world.
Yeah, thanks for saving the world, wuss! Seriously, thanks, but you still suck! They're right, Prock.
You're a baby.
Ugh, I can't believe I ever kissed you.
- Hey.
- Uh, hi.
I think I think I know who you were really referring to.
- And it wasn't Mandrake.
- It's just so hard to tell someone the truth.
Well, maybe someday you should.
I've got all I ever need in the bringing-down-the-Awesomes category.
And how does that make you feel? Are you trying to compensate for some shortcoming? - Oh, zip it, iron side.
- That's defensive.
Dennis! Get this canned ham away from me! I know what I'm doing.
And I've got the intel I need.
And I think someone else might be curious about our friends the Awesomes.
- We have located him, sire.
- Excellent.
Our search is over.
Bring him to me.
- So all robots are evil? - As a general rule, yes.
How about those underwater robots that clean up oil spills? - Those are okay.
- The Hall of Presidents? I bet they're planning something.
- Roombas? - It's a slippery slope with Roombas.
What about this Jack Link's vending machine? - That's a good robot.
- RoboCop? - That's a movie.
- Transformers.
Also a movie.
How am I supposed to know that you're high If you won't let me touch you? How am I supposed to know that you're high If you won't even dance? How am I supposed to know that you're high If you won't even dance? Yeah, you won't even dance.