The Barbarian and the Troll (2021) s01e06 Episode Script

1- Huh.
I'm so hungry,
I could eat everything
on this menu.
- I know. They should really
wash these things off.
- Guys, I'm really worried
about Brendar.
- Why?
She said she was okay.
- Dad, she said the same thing
after an orc stabbed her
in the leg.
- One shrew on a shingle,
on the hook with sea dust!
- It's like I can still
hear her voice.
- Because you can.
She's right over there.
- Hi, I'm Brendar.
I'll be your server today.
Can I start you off
with something to drink,
or would you like
a Caledonian squid?
- I can't believe it.
- I know!
The McSquid is back.
- No, that Brendar
is waiting tables.
- Ugh, looks like I'm going to
have to find a new lunch spot.
- Why?
- Ever since I lied to Brendar
about the dragon tear,
she won't talk to me.
- Seems a little childish,
no?
- Hmm.
- What'll it be?
- I'll have a grilled cheese
with the crust cut off.
Can I please have some crayons
for this maze?
- Brendar, why are
you waiting tables?
You said you're fine
after the whole Sharon thing.
- Sharon thing?
That's putting it mildly.
First, Sharon humiliated her.
Then she took her slogan.
And then she pointed
out that Axe
was useless
without dragon tears.
- That is some
depressing exposition.
- Hm.
- I am fine.
I just decided
to stop questing.
- What?
But questing is your life.
- It's just a little
career change.
- Oh, this maze is impossible!
- So from now on,
I will no longer be known
as "Brendar the Barbarian."
Henceforth, I shall be known
as Brendar the Barmaidian.
- A troll burned
his bridge ♪
A warrior lost her crown ♪
I'm not being poetic ♪
That's literally
what went down ♪
Together their journey
has begun ♪
Combining might and melody ♪
To quest and smite a demon ♪
And find their true family ♪
Yeah ♪
The Barmaidian
and the Troll ♪
Ooh, ooh ♪
The Barmaidian
and the Troll ♪
- One Griffin steak
and one salad.
- Uh, we ordered
the chop salad.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
Anything else?
- No, we're--we're good.
- Okay, great.
- Excuse me.
- Yeah?
- Can we split the check?
- Oh, yeah, sure.
- There you go.
Uhh
- I'm sorry, sir.
This table is reserved.
- Wait, wait--wait!
I regret nothing!
- Manticore, party of four,
your table's ready.
- That's it.
I'm gonna go get
those dragon tears myself,
then Brendar
won't be mad at me.
- You can't do that alone.
What are you going to do?
Hop your way to the dragon?
- If I must.
- No.
We just have to go talk to her.
- Psst, hey.
Hey.
Hey, girl.
Whoa.
- Wow.
- Hey, is that strange bird
over there staring at you?
- Oh, sweet.
I got a shot.
- Oh, now he's coming
over here.
Hey, I'm Biff.
- Hey.
Stacey.
This is my dad, Horus.
- Hey.
Nice to meet you.
I couldn't help but notice you
checking me out back there.
- Who, me?
- All right.
You can stop right there
with the tweet nothings,
Mister.
- "You can stop right there
with the tweet nothings,
Mister."
- What the--
- Dad, I think
it's pretty clear.
Biff's a mockingbird.
- Bingo.
"Oh, I'm a wizard.
I wear a dress
and wave a magic wand."
- It's a staff,
and why should I conform
to your gender norms?
- You work out?
- All the time.
- Go.
Go, go, go.
- Hey, Brendar.
I'm really sorry
about the whole
"restrictions apply" thing.
- People sitting
in the wrong place.
Nobody knows what's going on--
- Brendar, Axe is very sorry.
- Evan, I'm not speaking
to Axe.
- Hey, Axe.
Brendar says she's
not speaking to you.
- Well, you tell Brendar
that by speaking to you,
she's speaking to me, so there.
- Brendar, Axe says--
- I don't need this.
The kitchen is short-staffed,
everyone's ordering
off menu-items,
and the only tips
I got all day
are two ducats and a fake eye!
- Uh, excuse me.
I lost me eye.
- Ah.
Thank you.
- Brendar, did you chop four
of my tables in half
with your sword?
- Yeah, and now you have eight.
You're welcome.
- That's it, Brendar.
You're fired.
-
- Hand over your apron
and your flair.
- Not my smile button.
- Yeah.
- Fine.
I hate smiling anyway.
- You want a job?
- No, I want a dessert menu.
- All right.
- I hear there's
some really good rats
out by the trash.
- Ooh, trash rats?
You don't have
to twist my wing.
-
- Okay, great.
I'll give you a call
some time.
- Okay.
- Listen for this.
Bye.
- Wow.
Bye.
It's nice meeting you.
- What in the name
of phoenix's ash was that?
- What?
I was just being polite.
- I don't understand what
you could possibly see
in that dodo.
- Ugh, he's a mockingbird, Dad.
And I think he has
a great sense of humor
plus he's kind of cute.
- Stacey, you're too young
for this.
Do you know how old I was
when I went out
on my first date?
-
- 75.
- You're a wizard, Dad!
You have a life expectancy
of, like, 300 years.
Hey everybody.
Look, it's Brendar.
She's given up her dream
of waiting tables
to join us excitedly
on our next quest.
- I never said that.
- Well, you gotta quest.
- Birds gotta fly.
- Gnomes gotta dance.
- Wizards gotta whiz.
- I know you're upset,
but isn't it
about time you forgive Axe?
I mean,
you got to get out there
and avenge your incredibly
complicated backstory.
- The troll has a point.
- Thank you.
Look--all I'm saying is,
if you refuse
to confront your problems,
you'll never be happy.
- You're right.
I will get
those dragon's tears,
and I will seek my vengeance
upon Alvin the demon.
- That's the spirit.
- But I will not speak
to that hack.
- Oh.
Well, sure.
Some of my magic
is questionable,
but I wouldn't call myself--
oh, you're talking about Axe.
- Hmm.
- Well, okay.
The gang's back together.
Let's get questing
to that dragon's lair.
Come on!
- Whoo-hoo!
- Axe is back, baby.
- What are you waiting for?
- What?
Me?
I was just gonna stay here
just in case
anyone wanted to hang out
and I'm hanging out--
- All right.
No daughter of mine
is fraternizing
with a bird brain like Biff.
- What?
- Come on.
- Call me.
She already misses me.
- The tyranny of the violent
barmaid is over.
- Huh.
Here's our first
troll bridge.
Wow, memories.
It'll be like walking
across the charred remains
of my failed career
as a gold digger.
- Yeah, it sounds like
a real dance around the maple.
- Good one, Brendar.
- Hey, why don't you
let me handle this
'cause trolls are my people
and we have a special bond.
- Halt.
- Whoa.
- None shall pass this bridge
without surrendering a fee.
- Some bond.
- Evan?
- Uh, yeah.
- Dude, it's me.
Doug from health class.
- What?
Well, look at you, man.
You really grew up
over the summer.
- Yeah.
Well, apparently,
I have quite
the glandular problem.
- Hm.
- Well, you know the ropes.
You got to pay the toll
or we got to fight.
- Oh, yeah, but that's not
gonna be necessary.
You'll let us pass, right?
- Oh!
- I mean, trolls before tolls.
- Mm, no can do, buddy.
Troll King sent word down.
- Huh?
- No passage.
- They really captured
your likeness.
- My ears aren't that big.
- Enough of this
ridiculousness.
Let me slice this fool
into pieces.
- Like a purple cake.
- But it's Doug
from health class.
- How else are we gonna
cross this bridge?
- Ugh, well, can't we pay?
I mean didn't you make any tips
at the Goiter?
- No. I made two ducats
and a fake eye,
and I had to give the eye back.
- How are we gonna get
to the dragon?
There's at least ten bridges
along our path.
- That's ten more trolls
I'm chopping in half.
- Chop, chop.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
Okay.
Listen.
There is a way that
I can guarantee free crossing
for all bridges in Gothmoria.
- Well, what's that?
- It's called
the Troll's Passage.
- You better get
that pass quick
because this bridge shuts down
in an hour for renovation.
Turns out a lot of these
bridges are highly flammable.
- Huh.
- How do we get
this "Troll's Passage"?
- It's at my parent's house.
Okay, so what you're gonna
be doing is taking a left
past the forest
of screaming trees.
But if you reach
the shrieking mountains,
then you've gone too far.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Why do you get to stay here?
- Are you seriously bailing
at the first bridge
on the road?
- I was trying to.
- We're getting dragon's tears
to fight a demon.
Your parents cannot
be scarier than that.
So troll up and let's do this.
- Well, when you put it
that way.
- You heard the troll.
Move out!
- Biff.
Hey, my wings are tired,
so I think
I'm just gonna rest here.
- Ah, yeah.
You know what?
My wings are tired too,
so I'll wait here with you.
- You don't have any wings,
Dad.
- Poof.
- Caw-caw--aw, man.
- Hold on.
I think I should prepare you
for what we might find
when we get
into my parents' house.
- I've been in a house before.
- No, no, I know,
but it's my parents.
See, my mom talks
in a unique way--
- Evan, we have 45 minutes
to get in,
get the passage,
and get back to the bridge.
I don't care
if your mom has an accent.
- I take that back.
This is unusual.
- So inappropriate,
I can't look away.
- Oh, Ma, not in front
of my friends.
This is embarrassing.
- Ah.
- Okay.
Grab the pass
and let's get out of here.
- No, we can't just barge in
and ask.
My dad needs a little
buttering up first.
- Well, well, well.
A prodigal son returns.
- It's going better
than I expected.
He thinks I'm a prodigy.
- That's not what that means.
- Hey, Mom, Dad,
these are my friends.
- Brendar and Axe.
- You keep a lovely home,
Troll Queen.
This could be featured
in "Better Homes and Hovels."
- Ah!
- So let me guess.
You gave up
your ridiculous dream
of becoming a musician
and came home to beg
for your old job back.
- Actually, he came to beg
for something else.
- I don't want my old job back.
I'm doing fine as a musician.
- Son, you're more
disappointing
than the reviews
of my first novel.
- Novel's generous.
It was more of a coloring book.
- I never understood this kid.
He's so humiliating.
- Well, you know
who gets me is Ma.
She always thought
I was adorable and sweet.
- Yeah, your mother thinks
you're sweet,
all right, like a dessert.
Geraldina tried to eat Evan
when he was born.
Tries to eat him every chance
she can get, really.
- That's a thing with trolls,
is it?
- It's not uncommon.
- Looks like the queen
likes finger foods.
- What?
-
- Whoa, Ma!
Ow, ow, ow!
- Okay, so this quest we're on
is very challenging
-
- And we're going to be
crossing a lot of bridges,
so we thought you could
really help us out by--
- Burning them all down?
- All right, all right.
I'll be less snarky.
So if you want to cross
the troll bridge,
you know the deal.
You either pay or slay.
- Yeah, but we'll be slaying
a bunch of our friends.
- Okay, but because
we don't have any money,
you have something to ask them.
-
Yeah.
Uh, I really wanted
to ask you if, uh
- If I could show Brendar
my old room.
- Evan.
- It's right over there.
- Mm-mah!
- His room's a cabinet?
- Oh, he wishes.
It's the top drawer
of the cabinet.
The second one's
our junk drawer.
If you need 15 packets
of duck sauce
and a bunch of keys that
don't seem to match anything.
- What's that Ma? Snacks?
Ooh, Mom's gonna make us
some snacks, Brendar.
Did you hear?
- I heard.
- Mom's a super good cook.
She--
What?
No, I'm not the snack.
That's Ma doing
her old snack thing again.
- Yeah.
I like worms too.
- He's still up there,
isn't he?
- How would I know?
- Because you can see things
a mile away.
It's kinda your thing.
- Fine, yes.
He's still up there.
I don't understand why you
just won't let me talk to him.
- Because you're still
my little girl.
You're not ready to date.
- I need to spread my wings
and fly.
I wanna see what's out there.
You can't keep me
in a cage forever.
- Actually,
I think I can legally.
At least until you're 18.
- Ugh!
- I don't mean
to be judgmental,
but you have a weird
relationship with your bird.
♪
- Then the minotaur says,
"Well, that's what you get
when you wear red."
-
That's a good one, Evan.
- It's not funny.
- She's right.
That's not funny.
- Ooh.
I want some of that.
Ooh, ah, that's hot.
Whoo.
- Oh, yeah.
Thanks, Ma.
- Oh, yeah.
That's great.
- Hey, troll
"passage" me some
of those tasty morsels.
- Oh, sure.
Lemon pepper?
Ma, you were marinating me?
- Instead of trying to cook me,
why don't you show Brendar
around the house
and I'll have a chat with Dad?
Please don't make me do that.
- Ooh, I'll come.
I can give you some decor tips.
I have a flair
for interior design.
-
So why are you really here?
- And I'm just saying that
having a teenage daughter
is more work than I expected.
- I know what you mean.
I have three teenage sisters,
and all they do is sass
my dad all day long.
- Oh, the sassing is the worst.
- Mm-hmm.
- Just this morning, Stacey--
Stacey?
Where, wha--
Oh, fiddlesticks.
- Goodbye, I guess.
-
Ah.
- Huh.
Your indoor outhouse
is very modern.
- Brendar,
what about the troll pass?
- Where's Evan?
- Oh.
Sulking in his room.
- Evan
- Hm.
- That bridge closes
in 20 minutes.
If we don't get
the Troll's Passage,
I'm gonna have to pursue
options you don't like.
- I know.
It's just
I'm afraid my dad's
gonna freak out.
I don't think I can do this.
- I know you're scared,
but a wise troll once told me
if you refuse to confront
your problems,
you'll never be happy.
- Well, that's good advice.
I'd like to meet that troll.
- It was you.
You're the troll.
You can do this.
Well, we have to get going.
- We hope the rest of your day
is as pleasant as you are.
- Now that you've eaten us
out of house and home,
and linseed oil.
- Thanks again for that.
- Is there anything else?
Or are we done here?
- Actually, I need a favor.
- There it is.
- We need a Troll's Passage
for our journey.
- A Troll's Passage?
- I know it's a lot to ask,
but I swear I'll never ask you
for anything again.
So will you please help us
Papa?
All right.
Here it is.
Troll's Passage.
You can have it
on one condition.
- Yeah, anything.
- Leave that ridiculous lute
behind.
I can't travel
without my lute.
I might as well be leaving
my beating heart behind.
- I don't care.
That's my offer.
The pass for the lute.
- Fine.
You can have my lute.
- Man, why do you hate
the creative arts?
- Evan, are you sure
about this?
- I am, because continuing
on this quest
is more important.
We have to get
those dragon's tears.
- That's very big of you, Evan,
especially since
you're so tiny.
Thank you.
- Yeah.
♪
I'll come back for you one day.
- Oh, I don't think
you'll want this back.
Delicious, a little stringy.
- All right.
Just give us the pass
so we can get out of here.
- Not as good as the lute,
but I think you get my point.
- Do we get to have
an intermission for this drama?
- You have no respect
for your son.
You made him sleep in a drawer!
- Yeah.
- Why would he want
to be a bridge troll?
He wants to be a musician.
Do you have to squash
his dreams?
- Are you going to let
this barbarian talk
to your father like that?
- Yes, because she is right.
- Yes, she is.
-
- I'm sorry if I don't fit in
to your neat little drawer,
Dad.
I will always love you,
but I will never come back
to this house.
Evan!
- Feel free to turn my room
into a sock drawer
because from now on,
I'm my own troll.
Come on.
Let's quest.
- Hey--
- I know it's a little harsh.
But it's for his own good.
- Geraldina?
No! No!
- Well, that's it.
We don't have the pass,
and the bridge is closing.
I'm sorry I failed you,
Brendar.
- Don't be sorry.
I'm proud of what you did
back there.
And seeing you with your dad
made me realize
you can't treat the people
you care about like garbage.
- Hm.
- Axe.
I'm sorry.
- You mean it?
- Yes.
I'm sorry for the way I acted.
If Evan can spend his whole
life being overly criticized,
mercilessly ridiculed,
and in constant fear
of being eaten,
then I can handle
one small little setback.
- Well, I mean, I did have
a couple good years in there.
- Sure, Evan.
Sure, you did.
- I did.
At least I liked them.
- What are they doing up there?
I can't see a thing.
- Mmm, mmm.
-
Thanks for the worm.
- Oh, you're welcome.
You know, your eyes sparkle
like two birdbaths.
- Oh, Biff, that's so sweet.
- "Oh, Biff, that's so sweet."
- Biff.
- I'm sorry.
It's a mockingbird thing.
- It's okay.
- Mm.
- So do you have any siblings?
- "Yeah, so do you have
any siblings,
like brothers, sisters?"
- Okay.
I don't think this
is gonna work.
It was nice meeting you, Biff.
- Aww.
Nice meeting you too.
Oh, Biff, you're all alone.
You'll never have anyone
to love you. Nyeh!
Yeah,
you know what? I hear it now.
Huh.
That's super obnoxious.
- Trouble in paradise?
- Yeah, you were right
about Biff.
He wasn't for me.
- Horus, one.
Biff, zero.
- But sooner or later,
I might find someone
that is right for me,
and I'm gonna wanna date.
You can't clip my wings, Dad.
- Ah, you're right.
Although it did take
everything I had
not to zap you out
of that tree.
Can we call that progress?
- It's a good start.
- Aww.
You're back!
We only have five minutes
before the bridge closes.
Do you have
the Troll's Passage?
No.
- Turns out the troll king
is a real pain in the--
- Axe, you're back
with Brendar?
- Yeah, we figured it out.
- Anyway, as I was saying,
he ate the pass.
So it looks like
we're gonna get to chop up
all the bridge trolls
moving forward.
-
- Hm?
Ma, what are you doing here?
- You're here to give me
something?
- Oh, it's my lute.
Oh, you pulled it out
of dad's mouth, huh?
- How sweet and disgusting.
- Ah!
- Something else?
- Ah.
- Oh, my toy horse, Clippy.
You know, I always wondered
where he went.
- Something else?
The Troll's Passage!
What?
Oh, Ma, how can
I ever thank you?
- I really appreciate
you believing in me.
I promise I'll make you proud.
-
- Aww.
Mom!
- Gross.
- Yuck.
- It's beautiful.
-
- Are you crying, Dad?
- No, you're crying.
- I hope the dragon cries
this easy.
-
- Come on. There, there.
- Time's up.
Bridge closed.
- But--
- That Troll's Passage
can't help.
Only good
during business hours.
-
- Oh, oh!
Sorry, your Highness,
of course.
I think a two-minute grace
period is totally acceptable.
-
- All right.
- Yeah.
Thanks, Mom.
Okay, everybody.
Let's quest!
- Finally.
- All right.
- Yeah!
-
- Oh, come on, Biff.
Take the hint.
Ugh.
-
- I love you, too, Mom.