The Ben Stiller Show (1992) s01e06 Episode Script

How you doing? Welcome to the show.
I'm really excited because Sarah Jessica Parker will be here.
Let's start.
The sooner we start, the sooner Sarah gets here.
So let's watch this.
Anybody seen Sarah? He showed you conspiracy in JFK.
Rebellion in The Doors.
Greed in Wall Street.
The agony of war in Platoon.
And more agony of war in Born on the Fourth of July.
Hi.
I'm Oliver Stone.
And this summer, I invite you to witness my latest creation.
It's Oliver Stoneland! Welcome to the future site of Oliver Stoneland my own amusement park.
Let me be your host as I usher you through reality.
My reality.
A magical place where the objective is not to escape but to confront.
Inspired by my hit film The Doors is a feverishly psychotic maze called "Mr.
Morrison's Wild Ride.
" It's an enhanced trip through depression self-delusion and crazed egomania.
I wanted everyone to feel the fire that is Morrison.
That's all right.
You can get on, you little Lizard King.
At Oliver Stoneland, we question authority.
Each bathtub fits a family of four.
But beware.
This ride may remove your will to live.
Break on through! Break on through! I am an Indian, but I also represent death.
I am an Indian, but I also represent No, Jim, no.
- Give me some death.
- No, Jim, no.
Give me some death.
Come on! Come on! Come on! The only way out is death.
The only way out is death.
The only way out is death.
I'm not really dead! Morrison was the lifeblood of a generation that was sucked down the bathtub drain of the apathetic '70s and into the materialistic cesspool of the next decade.
But the ride's a gas.
If you're into communications, why not try Talk Radio Town where you and your family can broadcast your very own radio show.
And get killed afterwards.
But if it's musical merriment you want, don't miss Platunes a rabble-rousing salute to a war we've never stopped fighting as performed by the Combat Rollers.
And with showstopping numbers like "Viet-wow!" who's gonna protest? Combat Rollers are true professionals.
They're cynical, angry, fed up and great skaters.
I was very lucky to find them.
Hey, how you doing? We're here with Janeane.
Very excited.
Sarah Jessica Parker will be here at any moment.
- You know she has a boyfriend.
- Yeah.
So what? What's that mat? - She's just guest-starring.
- You have a crush on her.
- I don't have a crush.
- You so much do.
Just because she's on the show, I have to have a crush on her? What are we going to do with her? Why is she on the show? I'm gonna have a picnic with her.
That's what I thought we'd do.
- You're having a picnic with Sarah? - Yes.
I don't recall you having picnics with other guests.
- It's a new concept.
- Really? Why don't we go to this film right now? Okay? It'll be great.
- She really has a boyfriend? - Yes.
They've lived together a long time.
Pan America Insurance Company profiles Salesman of the Year, Phillip Morrow.
If I have one strong point as a salesman it is my ability to locate and tap into new markets.
For the last two years Phillip Morrow has been traveling around the country attending to the insurance needs of a very specific demographic: The Grateful Dead fan.
To meet their insurance needs I had to understand their lifestyle.
I wonder who their beneficiary was? You know, get into their heads.
- Mind if I sit down? - No.
Go ahead, young man.
- What's happening? - I'm psyched on this concert.
I hope they play "Truckin'.
" Truck-truck-trucking.
Trucking.
You got health insurance, man? Think insurance.
Some take drugs, buy food from strangers and get no exercise, except for the Space Jam.
They need insurance.
When Jerry Garcia went into a coma, man, he was covered.
Being a Deadhead doesn't mean being irresponsible.
It means being free.
The only people that are grateful when someone's dead is the recipient of life insurance, man.
Yeah? What happens if you go on a trip and never come back? How will your little Deadheads go to Albany or go to Minnesota and catch the Dead? How will they do that without any money, man? I'll just put them in Larry's van.
Getting them to sign a policy is not always easy.
Dragons, man! They're all over the place! They're biting on me! - Cool out, man.
- Breathing out fire! I got dragon insurance, my man.
You sign here, the dragons will go away.
- I can protect you, man.
- Yeah.
- The dragons are going away, man.
- Oh, yeah, man.
- You're a hero, man.
- Peace, brother.
You're a hero.
No! No! You sign on this bottom line You sign on this bottom line, you'll be so free, man.
- You'll be, like, flying.
- Freaking me out, dude.
Go ahead.
Sign up, man.
- Okay.
- All right, man.
I love you, man.
- I love you, man.
- Peace, brother.
- Hope they play "Truckin'.
" - All right! Take care of yourself, now.
What did I just sign? It's a lot of work.
The funny thing is, I'm not a big fan of their music but I have to admit, it's grown on me.
After 400 shows, it had better.
This program is working so well that I'm gonna start touring with The Cure.
The boys in the office think I'm crazy.
Crazy like a fox.
Now, you understand suicide's not covered under this policy.
Welcome back.
We're really excited.
Sarah Jessica Parker's gonna be here.
- What's this? - What's with the change of clothes? - You think you're Madonna? - I can't change clothes during the show? It's no big deal, you know.
Guys, listen - I know why.
- When she gets here, just move out.
- Why? - Oh, what? Three jerks spitting and arguing about football is gonna cramp your style? - Yeah, it is.
Come on, it's too weird.
- Ben.
Hi.
How you doing? Sarah Jessica Parker.
- This is great.
- Thanks for being on the show.
- Thanks for having me in the woods.
- I'll see you.
I wish you could hang out.
- They have to leave? - Yeah.
They gotta go.
They gotta go do some charity work over at the homeless shelter.
- Really? They volunteer? - Yeah.
That's so sweet.
You probably don't have time to volunteer.
Oh, no.
I was there this morning.
- This morning around 5:30.
I get there - Really? Every morning, I try to put in the hours early.
- That's amazing.
- Why don't we just go to a movie? Or a film or whatever we got coming up.
Weekends too.
I try to do as much work as I can for And now, Jake Steel: Marionette Cop.
It was Saturday night, 2 a.
m.
I was walking my beat when I noticed an open window at Shempkin's Market.
Suddenly, I spotted two punks climbing out the window with stolen groceries.
- Freeze, dirtbags! - See you later, copper.
Oh, I'll be seeing you in hell.
I ain't going back to the joint, pig! Oh, God.
Oh, God.
My legs! I can't feel my legs! Gino! Gino! Get up, man! Get up! Oh, my God! You killed Gino! You stinking pig! You killed my baby brother! You dirty, stinking pig! I'm gonna kill you! Hello, Department of Sanitation? This is Officer Jake Steel.
Send a truck to Sixth and Main.
I need you to pick up some garbage.
- I've gotta meet her.
- Down, boy.
It's now or never.
I'm gonna introduce myself.
Attention, shoppers.
This man wants to make a good impression, but he's got dandruff.
What? The only thing she'll do when she sees you is flake out.
- Will you quit talking like that? - Like what? In that voice.
Will you stop speaking in that stupid "funny" voice all the time? News flash: This is how hip and clever people talk.
Yeah? Well, it's just stupid, all right? Here she comes.
- Hi.
- Hi.
He shoots, he scores! Oops.
Looks like somebody noticed your dandruff.
What she noticed is how lame you are.
- Hi.
My name is Bob.
- Hi.
And I'm the amusing young friend who teaches him all about dandruff.
I'm really sorry about my friend.
- What's wrong with him? - He's obsessed with dandruff.
Are we having fun yet? For some reason, he keeps speaking in these irritating "funny" phrases.
I just hate him so much sometimes.
Better beam me up, Scotty.
No intelligent life here.
- Do you want to get some coffee? - Yeah.
I'd love to.
Great.
I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
Hey, Mr.
Wilson.
You know why your wife left you? You've got dandruff.
Blue & White Shampoo.
Because we think this is the way really cool people talk.
Caution: Use of this product may result in decreased sense of humor.
Manufacturers not responsible for loss of friends.
The Ben Stiller Show is brought to you in part by Oliver Stoneland.
And now, with more information about the park, it's Oliver Stone! Start your day out on Main Street, 1964 where the American dream died just after Kennedy did.
While you're at the park, take a trip down Little Wall Street where you have to avoid the falling stockbrokers.
Where's Charlie Sheen when you need him? And if you're in a really adventurous mood why not give the Born on the Fourth of July Bumper Chairs a go-round.
It's 90 solid seconds of clanking metal and bitter regret.
You need to ride this one several times to fully feel the frustration and anguish of the Vietnam vet.
Hey, quit it! I'm gonna get you! Or if you're in a different mood, try Late '60s Land where the atmosphere is bitter and discontented but the salad bar is all you can eat.
And coming in the fall of '94 experience the wonder of the Hall of Conspiracies where every hour, I'll expose the fabrications of our government through the use of animatronic robots.
We are through the looking glass, people.
Black is white and white is black.
Who did the president? Oh, man! It's a mystery wrapped inside a riddle wrapped inside an enigma.
Sure, they're only robots but aren't we puppets tied to the strings of corruption? And on your way out, have your picture taken with Oscar one of our highly coveted pals.
So come and enjoy the distortion of reality that is Oliver Stoneland! Why isn't he bald? I told you people Oscar is bald.
I know.
I have six of them.
I'm working with incompetents here! I have a vision of this thing.
How come no one else can see it? I went to Vietnam.
I'm not afraid to kick butt here.
Now, who's responsible? Get me a razor.
I'll shave him myself.
We're back.
We're having a picnic with Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'm sorry to interrupt.
I don't want to ruin your flow or anything That's okay.
I just wanna understand the concept because I'm sort of confused.
I come on the show, or you have a guest on the show.
We come on and help you introduce clips or movies or whatever those things you do are.
- Right.
- And then, what? Like, we're supposed to eat a big meal? No.
Just this time, we're having a little picnic.
It's not like every time we have a meal.
I just thought it would be fun to do.
And then the show, it always takes place out in the wilderness? No.
Just this time, we're doing it out in the woods.
It wasn't even my idea.
The writers wanted to.
Then where's the rest of the cast? I was told I'd be working with a bunch of people, not just you.
It's not like we're alone.
It's not, like, just us.
This is kind of like America's here.
We're having a picnic with you.
It's like America's having a picnic with you through me.
I'm a vehicle for America I didn't want to do this.
This was the writers' idea.
I don't want to have a picnic with you.
I mean, not that I don't.
I'd love to have a picnic with you anytime.
There's no pressure about that.
That's not what I mean.
Do you want to have some? I got Grecian chicken, which is - Do you like? - I'm not even hungry.
Then don't eat it.
It's not even real.
This is just all fun props and - Why don't we? - Weird.
Let's go to a film.
Could we go to a little film? Oh, man.
What a nightmare.
Horrible.
Everything's gonna be destroyed.
Keith and David - Where is it? - It's right over there.
- Get out of the house.
- Is there anything I can do? Get out! Now! I always forget that.
Great! Baby gotta make a poo-poo? Huh? - What a nice dog you've got.
- Thank you.
She's a real sweetheart.
- Have a nice day.
- Yeah.
I'll try.
So anyways, I had a lot of braces and I loved licorice and I always looked like this in high school.
"Hi, I'm Andy.
How are you?" Sarah, I got the Frisbee.
Sarah, I got it.
- Hi, Ben.
- They aren't bothering you, are they? - No.
They're hilarious.
- Yeah, yeah, they're great.
We're getting together next week to play volleyball or something.
Ben, you left.
We had to keep the show going.
Do you wanna go? You wanna go play? Should we? Maybe in a second.
I want Andy to finish his story.
Could you wait, please? - They need you at the soup kitchen.
- It's chicken noodle today.
I had the headgear too, right? But I never wore it.
Who wore it? You know? Well, good.
Show's going good.
Everybody's having fun.
That's what it's all about.
Everybody having fun.
I'm gonna go play on my own.
There are a lot of Frisbee games you can play on your own.
You throw it right up in the wind.
It's not easy.
- You are adorable.
- Thank you, Sarah.
It's time once again for Ask Manson starring America's favorite answer man, Charles Manson.
Our first letter comes from Beth Del Monte from Wichita, Kansas.
Dear Charles, I have three rambunctious children.
How do you remove a tomato stain from a Persian rug? You can't get a stain out.
You think I'm the stain.
They say Charlie is a stain.
They try to rub me out and put me in a jail cell.
Only, you just spread me around more.
I'm inside your children.
I'm a stain out there in the world.
I'm not just locked up.
You're locked up in the prison.
I'm free.
I'm fly I'm floating around and looking around.
I like it up here.
You should try some lemon juice.
Ask Manson was brought to you by Happy Children's Toys.
Fun for all ages.
That's it.
We're out of time.
I wanna thank my guest, Sarah Jessica Parker.
Thank you.
I have to tell you, your cast is so funny.
They're the funniest people I have ever met.
Actually, it's funny you should bring that up because I was gonna ask you, and now's a good time I'd love to have you as a cast member - No.
on the show.
Okay, I was joking, actually.
- Just kidding around.
- No.
No, no, no.
I know.
Of course, I wouldn't even Seriously, if you ever wanted to hang out sometime Listen, I really have to go.
But it was nice to meet you and good luck with everything.
Bye.
Killed on national TV.
Why don't you tell another licorice story, Andy? - What's the matter, Ben? - What's that mean? I guess I'll see you guys next week.
- Get him a glass of water.
- You lightheaded? Somebody get this man a shower.
- Is there a shower out here? - Yeah, cold shower for Ben.
Hello? He's not here right now, but he'll be back shortly.
Can I take a message for him? Okay.
Yeah.
At 4? Okay.
And anything else? No, I can remember.
I'll tell him.
Sure.
Cut.