The Big Show Show (2020) s01e06 Episode Script

[upbeat pop music playing]
- [music fades]
- [door opens]
[exhales] Hey.
Sorry I'm late.
I was out knocking on doors
trying to get a new listing.
How'd it go this time?
[sighs] It's Florida, honey.
It was three men in their underwear,
six pit bulls,
and one old lady smoking a pipe.
Oh, you met Martha!
[audience laughs]
Wait, why do you have so much luggage?
It's a one-night cruise.
It's a one-night WWE cruise.
That means I need to pack my boots,
my singlets, and my championship belts.
Do you really need all those belts?
You wouldn't ask that to a woman.
I would if she was packing
40 pounds of costume jewelry.
- [audience laughs]
- Fine, I'll leave one behind.
[exhales] You are so beautiful.
You talking to me or the belt?
You.
[audience laughs]
Okay, so, I was thinking,
with the new company,
I have so much work to do
that maybe you should go alone.
[sing-songy] No way, Cassy.
- [sing-songy] It's our anniversary!
- [audience laughs]
How long you been workin' on that?
- I don't know, couple days.
- [audience laughs]
Look, I am so busy trying to sell
a haunted house,
and you have this cruise to do for work.
It's okay if we miss one anniversary.
What? No!
I wanna do this for you,
I wanna make this special for us.
Besides, it combines
two of my favorite things.
What, skateboards and horses?
- [audience laughs]
- Nope, [sighs] WWE and anniversaries.
Won't you be working and hanging out
with your buddies the whole time?
No, we can do both.
All I gotta do is sign some autographs,
take some pictures,
and choke-slam a few Russian VIPs.
[audience laughs]
But after that,
It's just you and me ♪
Celebrating on the open sea ♪
- [audience laughs]
- [Cassy kisses]
- [together] Happy anniversary!
- [poppers pop]
[air horn blares]
[audience laughs]
Honey
just try to remember
why you fell in love with me
so many doors ago.
[audience laughs]
[bells ding]
[upbeat pop opening credit playing]
- [music fades]
- So, what's Mom doing for the anniversary?
She always blows it out.
This year,
I'll be doing the blowing outing.
- [audience laughs]
- Finally, my chance
to plan something special.
It's payback time.
This time
it's emotion.
[audience laughs]
Yeah, I don't know.
We overheard your conversation,
and I don't think Mom's into this cruise.
Please, your mom's famous
for saying she doesn't wanna do something
when she really does.
And if I don't plan something,
I'll hear about it.
Agreed. Remember when she said
she didn't want to go see U2?
[chuckling] Oh, my God, yes.
That was not a beautiful day.
- [audience laughs]
- Oh.
"Beautiful Day"?
I would've loved to have heard that live.
[audience laughs]
[Cassy] So,
this cruise is actually happening.
Lola, are you sure you're good
to babysit the girls?
Yeah, it's one night.
I used to babysit all the time
back in Minnesota.
I got this.
Oh. Okay.
[Cassy] Hmm. You got this, do you?
- What time is bedtime?
- 8:45.
- Teeth brushing?
- Minimum of two minutes.
- JJ's choking on a hard candy?
- Trick question.
JJ has nine lives, she can't be killed.
[audience laughs]
It's a dystopian future,
and you're in a fight to the death
with other teenagers
Dad, that's the Hunger Games.
- Answer the question.
- Fine.
I'd take the girls into the Everglades,
we'd teach each other to bow hunt,
and take out our enemies
one district at a time.
- She's good.
- [audience laughs]
[upbeat music plays, then fades]
This is some GDQST.
- What's that?
- Gosh darn quality sister time.
Doy.
[audience laughs]
It's just so relaxing without the Ps
- up in our biznass.
- [audience laughs]
- You ain't wrong.
- No, she ain't.
[phone chimes]
Aw Taylor sent me a virtual bouquet.
For his beau, get it?
[scoffs] Wake me up
when he puts a ring on it.
- [audience laughs]
- So, are you, like, dating now?
Off the record, yes.
On the record, also yes.
But if anyone found out,
people would freak.
My campaign is about transparency.
I've already released five years
of report cards.
- [audience laughs]
- So? Those are easy to fake.
You want a report card?
I could get you one by three o'clock.
[audience laughs]
And a German passport by two o'clock.
[audience laughs]
It doesn't matter, though.
I'm probably going to lose this election,
'cause kids think I'm boring and not cool.
If you wanna be cool,
you're going at this the wrong way.
We have this whole house to ourselves.
It's pretty obvious what we should do.
Binge all 19 hours of Ken Burns Jazz?
She can't even hear what she sounds like.
- So sad.
- [audience laughs]
Mandy, I want to throw you a party.
No, no, I need to throw you a party.
This is a classic big sister move.
Let me introduce you to someone.
Party-Lo.
[gasps] Par Ti Lo, the Chinese dissident?
I've read all her books!
- [audience laughs]
- Oh, my God, no. I'm Party-Lo.
That's what they called me
back in Minnesota,
'cause I threw so many parties.
If you want to win this election,
you need to throw a rager.
Okay, let's do it.
But no drinking, it's illegal.
I can't afford any scandals this late
in my campaign.
- [audience laughs]
- Obviously!
Party-Lo keeps it party-legal.
We'll need food, refreshments, and
What are we gonna do about music?
Leave that to me.
- [whooshing]
- DJ PJ in the house!
- [audience laughs]
- [records scratching]
[dance music playing]
[music fades]
Wow!
Welcome to the presidential suite.
This is amazing!
How did you get this?
Come on, babe, I'm the Big Show.
I just asked.
And paid 700 dollars plus tax.
- [audience laughs]
- Oh, my God, you got rose petals!
Yeah, fake, because you're allergic.
I also got some
chocolate covered "strawbs,"
the sexiest
of the chocolate covered fruit.
- [giggles]
- This is gonna be
the best anniversary ever.
Better than eight?
Girl, please.
This is gonna make eight look like three.
- [audience laughs]
- [phone chimes]
Oh!
Oh, my gosh!
I got an offer on the haunted house!
Okay, um [chuckles]
I need to call the broker.
[sighs] I can't get a signal.
You know what?
I'll try the top deck.
Oh Okay,
but you'll be back soon, right?
- 'Cause I have a lot more surprises.
- Yes.
- [Cassy gasps] Mark!
- [audience cheers]
- Cassy!
- Hey!
[Cassy chuckles]
[continued cheering]
You want me to crack your back?
Still a weird way to greet people, Mark.
- [audience laughs]
- You know what?
I gotta make a call.
Keep the big guy company, will ya?
White Chocolate!
Sexy Chocolate!
[audience laughs]
This room is sweet!
Mine is like a broom closet.
Nothing but mops and buckets.
Buddy, I think they literally put you
in a broom closet.
Oh, chocolate "strawbs"!
Wait! That's for Cass. [chuckles]
How do they get these to grow
with the chocolates on them?
- [audience laughs]
- Wait,
don't tell me. I love the mystery.
- [audience laughs]
- [knocking at door]
We're here to give you
the couple's massage. Wait.
Are you the couple's massage
all by yourself?
No, it's actually for me and my wife.
Can you come back later?
It's now or never.
We have a packed schedule,
and you count as three grown men
- and a strong dog all by yourself.
- [audience laughs]
[chuckling] Thanks, I guess.
Seems like a waste of a massage.
Wish you had a friend staying
in a broom closet
using three buckets for a bed.
Fine, you can have the other massage,
but you need to call the front desk.
- I did. The buckets were the upgrade.
- [audience laughs]
Come on in.
[upbeat pop music playing]
[music fades]
Okay, I rigged the cameras.
If Mom and Dad check the nanny cam,
they'll just see a loop of us watching TV.
JJ, you're going pretty hard
on the candy.
You might wanna pace yourself.
DJ PJ doesn't pace.
She goes hard or she goes home,
and I'm already home.
Okay, these are mine now.
- [hip-hop music playing]
- [bag rustling]
[audience laughs]
Nobody is here but Kennedy and Olivia,
and that kid with the tapeworm
who already ate all the cheese.
- [audience laughs]
- Chill. This is how parties start.
It starts with a few friends, and then
- [twinkling]
- [audience laughs]
- [dance music playing]
- [indistinct chatter]
That was amazing! How'd you do that?
I'm Party-Lo.
I'm texting Taylor not to come,
'cause if people saw us together,
they'd know.
Our chemistry's explosive,
like hydrogen and chlorine.
- [audience laughs]
- Yeah, JJ's right,
- you really can't hear it.
- [phone chimes]
- [audience laughs]
- Great party, Mandy.
Thanks! Of course, it pales in comparison
to the Boston Tea Party.
Now that party put the "fun"
in "the fight for the fundamental rights."
[audience laughs]
- Wait, what?
- [audience laughs]
That was painful.
I'm sorry. I get nervous
in casual social situations,
and when I get nervous, I talk history.
Who's your favorite pope?
[audience laughs]
Let's try this.
Whenever you feel
like you're gonna say something lame,
just shove some food in your mouth.
Do you guys recycle?
I wanna make sure this can
goes in the right spot.
[audience laughs]
I guess I can just throw this away
when I get home.
- [audience laughs]
- See? Now you're cool.
[muffled] Thank you.
[audience laughs]
[upbeat music plays, then fades]
[serene music playing]
- [audience laughs]
- Man, you are tight.
It's like massaging a bridge.
[audience laughs]
I just had this whole romantic evening
planned for me and my wife,
and so far,
I haven't been able to do any of it.
Relax, man.
We're on a boat
with a bunch of our friends,
smelling like peach lotion,
- [audience laughs]
- just like the old days.
- [door beeps]
- [audience laughs]
Wow.
It's like two tranquilized rhinos
being transported for surgery.
- [audience laughs]
- It's supposed to be a couple's massage
for you and me. You want to tag in?
Come on, Cassy, tag me,
tag me, tag me.
- [audience laughs]
- You know what?
I just came to get my computer.
Babe, I am about to sell
this haunted house.
Man, posting on that Goth Dad subreddit
really paid off.
- [audience laughs]
- Do you have to do this now?
I still have more planned.
I do, I'm sorry. [stammers]
I promise I'll be back soon.
[exhales] Babe, that is so sweet!
You got me a seafood tower?
You know, shrimp just tastes better
with a little bit of altitude.
[audience laughs]
- And horseradish.
- [audience laughs]
I will be back for this.
- Man, I think we're done with massages.
- Wait!
This little lady gotta do my calves.
They're sore.
- [audience laughs]
- [upbeat music playing]
[music fades]
- [audience laughs]
- Ah!
Man, let me have one shrimp.
Okay. [sighs]
- Ow!
- Changed my mind.
- [audience laughs]
- [knocking at door]
- [Mark] Hey!
- [Mike] Hey, Show!
- [audience cheers]
- [Mike] What's up, buddy?
Aw, you texted Rikishi and Mick
and told 'em about the tower, didn't you?
I had to!
You know there's a clock ticking
on this fishy tower of goodness.
[audience laughs]
Come on, man.
We've been putting sleeper holds
on a church group since 9 a.m.
The reverend still hasn't woken up.
- [Rikishi laughs]
- [audience laughs]
We're hungry, man.
Let us have some of that sea beef.
Okay, fine.
You can have one shrimp.
I'm gonna go FaceTime my daughters.
One shrimp.
[audience laughs]
- To be clear,
- [door closes]
he didn't say nothing about the crab.
- [all laughing]
- [audience laughs]
[crab leg crunching]
Dang, Kish,
at least take it outta the shell first.
[audience laughs]
[ship horn blows]
- [dance music playing]
- Everybody say "Lo"!
[all] Lo!
Everybody say "Lola"!
[all] Lola!
Now scream!
[all cheering]
[audience laughs]
Hey, it's Spillin' Tea with Monica B.
I'm here with the girl of the hour,
Mandy Wight,
the Mandazzler.
- [audience laughs]
- Are you live streaming this?
Currently over one thousand viewers.
No bots or parents.
So your stock is going way up
thanks to this killer party.
A lot of people
are changing their vote to Mandy.
Oh, really? That's great!
And, you see,
I was just talking to Taylor
[stammers] Why were you talking to Taylor?
What's he got to do with this?
Who even is Taylor?
I can't stop saying "Taylor"! Taylor!
- [audience laughs]
- Ooh
Looks like I touched a nerve.
I think it's Teatime!
- Is there something you wanna tell me?
- Uh
Dad's Facetiming!
Come on, we gotta get JJ.
Uh, sorry!
Okay,
it's my dad.
Positions, everyone.
This is not a drill.
- Move your butt, Jackson!
- [air horn blaring]
- [audience laughs]
- [music fades]
- [all sweetly] Hey, Dad!
- [audience laughs]
Hey, girls! How's everything going?
Good. So good.
[audience laughs]
I'm glad you girls are having fun.
[Lola] So much fun.
How's the cruise?
Eh Not so good.
I've barely seen Cassy.
She's been so busy.
Wow! Another one of your awesome stories.
So many layers.
- Gotta go. Love you, Dad. [playfully] Bye!
- [audience laughs]
[kids cheering]
This is amazing!
I can't believe it.
- [music resumes]
- Everything is going so perfectly.
Reminds me of Summer 2018,
Lake Minnetonka.
Party-Lo was on fire back then.
Literally, I burned off an eyebrow.
- [audience laughs]
- I miss those days.
- [doorbell rings]
- Well, today has been great.
[indistinct conversations]
And it's all because of you.
Hey, Mandy. How's it going?
[audience laughs]
[upbeat music playing]
[music fades]
What happened to the food?
It happened so fast.
It was like hyenas
attacking a water buffalo.
- [audience laughs]
- We would be the hyenas in that example.
Did the band show up?
Yeah.
They sang "I Want It That Way"
by the Backstreet Boys,
and believe me,
it was the way I wanted it.
- [audience laughs]
- Ah, man. That was a huge part of my plan.
The day is ruined.
Hey, you can speak for yourself.
I got a gut full of prawns,
and my day is going great.
- [audience laughs]
- Whoa. Every time I come back in here,
there are more wrestlers in this room.
You guys know there are other parts
to the boat, right?
[audience laughs]
I'll get rid of them,
but are you done with the house stuff yet?
[sighs] Not yet.
The Goth Dad who's buying it
wants me to change the address
- to 666 Satan Way.
- [audience laughs]
I mean, I have a call into the city,
but I don't know.
You know I want you to sell this house,
but can you do it tomorrow?
No, honey, I can't.
I mean, I've been running all over
this stupid ship
trying to find the one fax machine.
I can't believe this.
What? What are you so mad about?
Well, you guys are in here eating seafood
and getting massages.
You guys got massages?
My shoulders are feeling like butter.
- [audience laughs]
- The massages, the seafood,
all the other stuff was for you,
but you've been too busy working.
[stammers] What?
The only reason we are here
is for your job,
which you don't even have anymore.
Maybe this was a mistake.
That is literally what I told you
before we left.
[chuckles] You know,
I cannot do this right now.
- [Big Show sighs]
- [door closes]
Dang, man. She put some stank on that.
- [audience laughs]
- If you wanna cry, it's cool.
We won't judge you.
- [audience laughs]
- I messed up.
This whole thing is my fault.
I just wanted our anniversary
to be awesome.
Hold up, you you brought your wife
on a work cruise on your anniversary?
- [audience laughs]
- That's a terrible idea!
You should've gone to Paris.
The crepes are to die for.
Brussels got some good crepes, too.
- How am I gonna fix this?
- Easy, jump off the boat.
If she jumps in after you, she loves you.
If not
it's over.
- [audience laughs]
- Have you tried that before?
Yes, I have.
- And did it work?
- It did not.
- [audience laughs]
- What else you got planned?
[sighs] It doesn't matter.
Everything's ruined.
The band was just the finale
to our perfectly choreographed
romantic day.
Listen, Show,
we're professional wrestlers,
with over a hundred years
of combined sports
entertainment experience.
- We can fix this.
- Right.
That just does not track, Mark.
Like, not at all.
[audience laughs]
But I do have an idea.
[upbeat music plays, then fades]
What are you doing here?
I told you not to come.
I know, but the people on my campaign
wanted to crash.
Would've been weird if I didn't come.
Plus, I wanted to see your pretty face.
- [dance music playing softly]
- Aw, I missed you so much.
- [yells] Now get out!
- [audience laughs]
Yo, Tay-Tay,
this party has plastic straws.
So much for Mandy's quote-unquote
"green initiative."
Um I'd like to inform you,
these straws are made out of corn.
- And they suck.
- [audience laughs]
You know, in the good way.
- [audience laughs]
- Yeah? Well, we brought paper straws.
[indistinct chatter]
Okay, look, Party-Lo does not party
with kids arguing about party straws.
That's too many parties.
First of all, that's impossible.
- [audience laughs]
- Second, go upstairs,
figure something out.
I'll try to cover down here.
- What's going on?
- [Mandy] Nothing.
[loudly] Taylor, I need to yell at you
in private on the roof!
I would like nothing more
than to have you yell at me
in private on the roof!
- [audience laughs]
- Monica B., as you can see,
we are very angry at each other
and in no way more than friends.
Ah-ah, something's going on with you two,
and don't keep me out of the loop,
because if I find out about it second,
you won't be happy.
[audience laughs]
[Monica B. inhales and exhales deeply]
- [whooshing]
- Okay, I think Monica B. knows about us.
I don't care
about this stupid election anymore.
I'll just drop out.
That way, we'll be free.
Like birds or pretzels on an airplane.
You can't drop out.
People will think I bullied you into it.
Probably because I'm a woman.
A strong, smart, powerful woman.
Stop saying your angel words, Taylor!
- [audience laughs]
- Aw. You two are so cute.
But this party has gotten out of control.
- Are people drinking?
- No.
- Breaking stuff?
- [laughs] If only.
- What is it then?
- There is a giant nerd fight
brewing down there.
It's ruining the party.
The only one
still having fun down there is JJ.
- [whooshing]
- Taste the rainbow, y'all!
- [dance music playing]
- [kids cheer]
[candy clinking]
- [whooshing]
- She is gonna crash hard off that sugar.
- [audience laughs]
- Yep. But at least she gets it.
I threw this great party for you
and set you up to be
the coolest kid in school.
Uh-uh, she's already the coolest kid
in school.
Oh, boy.
I need you to go downstairs
and get this party back on track
before you completely blow it.
What are we gonna do?
Hey, don't worry.
We'll just go downstairs, hold hands,
feel our pulses quicken.
No, Taylor!
- [audience laughs]
- Yes. But no!
[audience laughs]
[mellow music playing]
[music fades]
Okay, first of all,
I'm an idiot.
- [audience laughs]
- Go on.
Combining our anniversary and a WWE cruise
is one of the worst ideas I've ever had.
[chuckles] Worse than steak
and peanut butter?
You know that's basically
just Thai food, right?
- [audience laughs]
- Look, I just wanted to plan
something amazing
like you always do for me.
And, honey, I appreciate it.
I really do,
but I did try to tell you I was too busy.
I thought you were doing that thing
where you pretend
you don't want me to do a thing,
but you really want me to.
[scoffs] I don't do that.
Please! What about the year
we weren't exchanging Christmas gifts
and you got me an iPad,
and I got you 20 bucks?
[audience laughs]
- Crap, I do do that.
- Yes, you do do.
- [audience laughs]
- [laughs] Well, this time, I meant it.
Well, you need to send me a signal,
or tap me on the head, or say,
- "Woop-woop!"
- Does it have to be, "Woop-woop!"
Well, if you want it to "woop-woop" work,
it does.
- [audience laughs]
- [chuckles] Okay, deal.
Oh, honey, I am sorry
that I spoiled all your plans.
[chuckles, kisses] Not all of them.
Hit it, boys!
You are ♪
My fire ♪
My one ♪
Desire ♪
Believe ♪
When I say ♪
- I want it ♪
- [audience laughs]
That way ♪
[group hums]
It's our song
- sung by three huge men.
- [audience laughs]
See, I actually got us a band,
but they had to go,
so I taught the boys
how to bring Backstreet back.
Aw. I love it.
[Cassy chuckles]
[continued humming]
[phone chimes]
It's okay.
[audience laughs]
Oh, my God. I sold the haunted house!
[yelling] Hey, my wife's a real estate
mogul! Yeah!
Don't wanna hear you say ♪
Tell me why ♪
[men together]
Ain't nothin' but a heartache ♪
Tell me why ♪
- [audience laughs]
- Ain't nothin' but a mistake ♪
Tell me why ♪
- [audience laughs]
- I never wanna hear you say ♪
- I want it that way ♪
- [audience laughs]
Awesome.
- [audience cheers]
- I only taught them that part.
- [Cassy giggles]
- [upbeat music playing]
You don't even know
what you're talking about!
No, you don't know
- what you're talking about!
- Ooh
That is the last straw!
Seriously, guys,
I just threw my last straw.
What are we gonna do?
It's okay. I'm a uniter. I'll handle it.
[takes a deep breath and exhales]
[indistinct chatter]
Hey, what's up, guys?
Thank God you're here, Mandy.
They think your plan
to replace paper towels
with hand dryers is stupid.
Because those hand dryers
will take money away from school dances,
- [audience laughs]
- which is one of Taylor's top platforms.
I want to throw a dance dance,
a school dance that celebrates dances.
That is a pretty good idea.
No, that idea sucks!
No, you suck!
How dare you say that?
I can say whatever I want!
Not if it sucks!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Okay! Everyone chill!
The truth is, Mandy and I are
[audience laughs]
You don't shove food in Taylor's mouth!
What if I did that to Mandy?
- I'd do this!
- [spraying]
[Braeden groans]
[audience laughs]
[Mandy scoffs and pants]
[all screaming]
[Taylor] Mandy! Go!
[continued screaming]
[audience laughs]
[items splattering]
O-M-Gigi Hadid!
[Monica B.] You guys,
I just figured it out!
- Taylor and Mandy are
- Dating!
[record scratches]
I always wanted to do that.
[audience laughs]
Live from Mandy's party
where I just got the scoop
of the semester!
I knew it!
Mandy, your life is shattered.
What are you feeling right now?
Enough, Monica B.! No one cares!
And why do you insist
on being called Monica B.?
There are no other Monicas in school!
[kids oohing]
[upbeat pop music plays]
- [music fades]
- [broom swishing]
Thank you for throwing me the party
and trying to make me cool.
That was the most amazing thing
a big sister could ever do.
I'm sorry I blew it.
Mandy, this party was legendary.
You had a food fight
and you revealed your secret boyfriend.
If any of those kids had facelifts,
we could put this on Bravo.
[audience laughs]
We should probably wake JJ
before Mom and Dad get home.
- I can quit whenever I want!
- [audience laughs]
JJ, how much candy did you eat?
All of it.
I might have a problem.
- [audience laughs]
- And so many cavities.
- [lock rattles]
- [keys jingling]
[door opens]
[Cassy sighs]
- Hi!
- Ahoy, daughters!
We're pulling into port.
Little dad cruise humor.
[audience laughs]
Begged him not to do it. Begged.
- [audience laughs]
- How was it?
Well, the ending was great.
Your dad had everything
planned out perfectly.
And your mom sold her first house,
so virgin daiquiris for everyone!
- [cheers] Congrats!
- [cheers] Congratulations, Mom.
No, thanks.
Just a black coffee for me.
[audience laughs]
Okay, well,
I am gonna take this bag upstairs,
and then we can celebrate as a family.
[Big Show] Ladies,
you know, I think I have
all the ingredients for our daiquiris,
but I don't know.
Do we have any straws?
Like corn or paper?
[hushed] You said the cameras were rigged.
They were, unless I missed something.
Oh, we may have been gone,
but the camera on this little lady
sees all.
- [audience oohs]
- Party-Lo,
you're party grounded.
Mandy, congratulations on you and Taylor.
And JJ,
you've gotta get straight, kid.
[audience laughs]
This is no way to live.
I know.
I just want to feel like me again.
[audience laughs]
[upbeat pop ending credits playing]
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