The Boys Presents: Diabolical (2022) s01e06 Episode Script
Nubian vs Nubian
- [DOG TOY SQUEAKING]
- [DISTANT SIREN WAILING]
[BARKING, HOWLING]
- [EXPLOSIONS]
- [ALARM RINGING]
[PANICKED SHOUTING]
I ain't gonna hurt you.
Just making a long-overdue withdrawal.
But get out of the fucking way.
- NUBIAN PRINCE: Groundhawk!
- Oh, fuck.
You used to be a hero,
and you used to be a friend.
Kick rocks.
I put my life on the line
over and over again.
And what did I get
in return, huh?
My name on the news?
Screw that.
It's time I got something
a little more.
A little more money.
But I can't let you do this.
Then stop me, pal.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[YELLS]
[GRUNTING CONTINUES]
[GRUNTS LOUDLY]
[GASPING]
[CRYING OUT]
[GROANING]
[ELECTRICITY CRASHES]
Looks like you could use a hand.
Nice moves. You're
Nubia. Queen of Thunder.
I'm Nubian Prince.
Prince of Nubia.
Well, isn't that a coincidence?
- [CROWD CHEERING]
- [GROANING]
You want to take
this bird down together?
Ooh, I thought you'd never ask.
Bring it!
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
- [SHOUTS]
[GROUNDHAWK CRIES OUT]
[SCREAMING]
[GRUNTING]
[CRYING OUT]
[♪♪♪]
[GROUNDHAWK CRYING OUT]
[♪♪♪]
[MOANING]
NUBIA: Yeah
[WITHOUT ACCENT]
Your place or mine?
Boy, where'd that accent go?
[SCOFFS]
Girl, I'm from Bakersfield.
I'm gonna gonna
gonna
[GROANS]
[WHOOSHING]
NUBIA: I cannot fucking believe
you did that to me!
Oh, you can't believe it?
You were the one that kept
hitting me with
the friendly fucking fire!
It was an accident.
You hit me in the nuts, Nubia.
[♪♪♪]
You have any idea what
a thunderclap
- to the balls feels like?
- Ugh.
Don't be such a fucking pussy.
Well, there needs to be
some pussy around here.
I'm sure not getting any.
Well, you'd get some pussy
if you started
pulling your weight, Gerald.
This is exactly
what Dr. Krause said.
You're always trying
to neuter me.
[SIGHS]
See? This isn't working, NP.
W-Well, look, uh, hold on, okay?
Except for my balls,
Martin Luther King
and Malcolm X,
that battle went great.
Look, Ashley sent
the media report.
Our numbers are
through the roof.
It's too late.
Just sign the papers.
I need you to sign
the fuckin' Maya! Hey!
We didn't see you there.
Sorry we raised our voices,
honey.
Tough day at the office.
You were fighting again.
Sweetheart, being
a Supe couple is tough.
You belong to the world,
and your relationship is
bigger than the two of you.
And even if you want
something different,
you can't have it.
You're trapped.
It's suffocating.
And sometimes all you need
is a little patience
while you work through
deeply painful childhood trauma.
But no one will give it to you,
and your home becomes
an empty tomb of despair.
I definitely want to
fuck you now, Gerald.
Okay, all right, why don't we
go finish your homework
while Mommy tries
to make dinner.
Can you do that, Mommy?
This motherfucker.
NUBIAN PRINCE: And the terrorists
were vaporized.
Their cries of horror
echoing through the trees
as their blood settled
on the pristine snow.
The end.
Daddy, are you and Mommy
getting a divorce?
No. Of course not, honey, no.
[SCOFFS] I'm not stupid, Dad.
You fight all the time.
Well, maybe we just
love fighting.
But we also still
love each other.
And no matter what happens,
we'll always love you.
- [FOOTSTEPS]
- See? Here's Mommy
to kiss you good night.
Everything is fine.
Baby, Daddy and Mommy
are getting a divorce,
and Gerald's buying you a pony.
Nighty-night.
[♪♪♪]
[SIGHS]
Mommy's got some sulfur burns,
so she's gonna take a bath.
Keep doing your homework,
sweetie.
[GROUNDHAWK]
Fuck you, fuck off.
Leave a fucking message.
[AUTOMATED VOICE]
Mailbox is full.
[HUMMING]
Hello? Uh
Mr. Groundhawk
[GROUNDHAWK] It's my fucking day off,
you Vaught cock-knuckles!
I'm not from Vaught.
My name is Maya. Maya Nubian.
- [GROUNDHAWK] You a little kid?
- I'm not a little kid.
- I'm eight.
- [GROUNDHAWK] Jesus.
Don't soil yourself.
Door's open.
[GRUNTS]
It's locked.
[GROUNDHAWK] Oh, for fuck's sake!
Watch your eyes.
[MAYA CRIES OUT]
Eh, sorry about that, kid.
I'm not really good
at doorknobs.
- What, your parents send you?
- No.
I need your help.
Jesus fuckin' Christ.
All right.
Come on in.
You want a soda or something?
It's not like this can
look bad to anyone.
I'm not a pedo, by the way.
I don't even have fingers.
I'm not a goddamn pedo,
Benjamin!
[WHIMPERS]
Whoa, this place is a dump. Ugh.
[CAN OPENS]
Thanks, kid.
[SLURPING]
Whoa, dude!
What happened to your VS5?
I have anger issues.
Listen, kid,
what are you doing here?
I gotta get back to
staring into the void
and trying not to fatally
injure myself when I pee.
[SIGHS]
My parents are
getting a divorce.
- I heard.
- You heard?
Aw, look, kid,
truth is we work together.
All that good guy/bad guy stuff
is just bullshit
to sell backpacks and lunch boxes.
That fight where your folks met,
that was all a setup.
It was as fake as
your dad's accent.
Vaught even wrote
our lines for us.
Mine were fuckin' stupid,
by the way.
MAYA: I know.
My mom kept her scripts.
I need you to fight them again
- so they remember they love each other.
- Hmm.
My parents got divorced
when I was about your age.
They tried and all, but their
kid had hammers for hands,
and kept putting holes
in their shitty trailer home.
It was better for all of us.
My parents are only happy
when they're fighting.
Uh, I mean together.
They're only happy when they're
fighting bad guys together.
Well, it is a good time.
- So you'll do it?
- Sorry, kid.
Please?
I'll give you all this.
I'm not taking your money.
I'll come over
and open sodas for you
- whenever you want.
- Fuck, that's worse.
I guess I'll have to
tell everyone you're a pedo,
and you lured me here
with a broken VS5.
Aw, fuckin' hell!
I knew it'd look bad.
Oh
Fine! I obviously don't
have shit going on,
and I can't jack off
so I may as well
crack some heads.
[GRUNTS]
- LeBron James, I guess.
- [GRUMBLES]
You can have the house,
I'll take the Stingray,
we'll split the 401(K).
Uh-uh. No way. I am not
giving you the Stingray
so you can go finger-pop
some young American's asshole
in the bucket seat; fuck that.
- MAYA: Mom, Dad!
- BOTH: Maya?
- MAYA: Help! Help me!
- Maya!
- Oh, my God. Maya!
- What the fuck?!
[GROWLING]
Put Maya down right
fucking now, Groundhawk.
You know what?
I'm sick of your bullshit,
Nubians. Fight me!
What? You're not even
in our continuity this season,
you crazy motherfucker.
Come on, fight me, Gerald.
Or do you need
that bitch's permission?
- I don't need my wife's permission.
- You want a fight?
You got it, you egg-layin'
motherfucker!
- [MAYA CRIES OUT]
- Oh, oh, shit, kid. Are you
[GRUNTING AND GROANING]
- [SHOUTS]
- [GRUNTS]
Get down here and fight me.
Come up here and fight me,
hammer dick.
You know I can't.
Oh, well, I guess
I'm gonna have to go down
and get him, huh?
Thank you, my Prince.
- [GRUNTING]
- [SHOUTS]
[GROUNDHAWK CRYING OUT]
- Mmm.
- [SCREAMS]
This is going great.
[GRUNTING CONTINUES]
[♪♪♪]
[MOANING]
Yes!
[GROANING]
Oh hey
Wait. Stop!
I made him do it.
I said I'd call him a pedo.
He's a pedo?
As in a pedophile?
Like that dude
from Seventh Heaven?
- Damn, that shit fucked me up.
- I knew it!
[GRUNTING]
[PUMMELING CONTINUES]
- [PASSIONATE MOANING]
- NUBIAN PRINCE: Uh-huh.
- Yeah, whoo!
- [MOANING CONTINUES]
- Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
- NUBIA: Oh, my God.
- Yes! That's my Prince!
- NUBIAN PRINCE: Oh, goddamn!
Motherfucker. [LAUGHS]
Ooh, yeah!
- NUBIA: Gerald! Gerald!
- NUBIAN PRINCE: Nubia. Nubia!
- Whoo, yes!
- NUBIA: Go make me some tacos!
NUBIAN PRINCE: Tacos! Tacos! Taco Tuesday!
[BIRDS SINGING]
NUBIA: Mm.
[CHUCKLES, SIGHS]
Mm.
Did your trifling ass forget
to buy coffee again?
Shit, since when was I
supposed to do that?
Since I told you yesterday
to buy the fucking coffee, Gerald!
- [SPOON CLINKS]
- [BOTH GASP]
Honey, are those our divorce papers?
It'll be better for all of us.
- [LIL NAS X: "OLD TOWN ROAD"]
- Gonna take my horse
And, I'm looking at both
your trifling asses.
I want that motherfucking pony.
Got the horses in the back ♪
Horse tack is attached ♪
Hat is matte black ♪
Got the boots that's black
to match ♪
Riding on a horse, ha,
you can whip your Porsche ♪
I been in the valley ♪
You ain't been up
off that porch, now ♪
Can't nobody tell me nothing ♪
You can't tell me nothing ♪
Can't nobody tell me nothing ♪
You can't tell me nothing ♪
Yeah, I'm gonna take my horse
to the old town road ♪
I'm gonna ride
till I can't no more ♪
Can't nobody tell me nothing ♪
You can't tell me nothing ♪
Yeah, I'm gonna take my horse
to the old town road ♪
I'm gonna ride
till I can't no more ♪
I'm gonna take my horse
to the old town road ♪
I'm gonna ride
till I can't no more ♪
I got the ♪
- [DOG TOY SQUEAKING]
- [DISTANT SIREN WAILING]
[BARKING, HOWLING]
- [EXPLOSIONS]
- [ALARM RINGING]
[PANICKED SHOUTING]
I ain't gonna hurt you.
Just making a long-overdue withdrawal.
But get out of the fucking way.
- NUBIAN PRINCE: Groundhawk!
- Oh, fuck.
You used to be a hero,
and you used to be a friend.
Kick rocks.
I put my life on the line
over and over again.
And what did I get
in return, huh?
My name on the news?
Screw that.
It's time I got something
a little more.
A little more money.
But I can't let you do this.
Then stop me, pal.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[YELLS]
[GRUNTING CONTINUES]
[GRUNTS LOUDLY]
[GASPING]
[CRYING OUT]
[GROANING]
[ELECTRICITY CRASHES]
Looks like you could use a hand.
Nice moves. You're
Nubia. Queen of Thunder.
I'm Nubian Prince.
Prince of Nubia.
Well, isn't that a coincidence?
- [CROWD CHEERING]
- [GROANING]
You want to take
this bird down together?
Ooh, I thought you'd never ask.
Bring it!
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
- [SHOUTS]
[GROUNDHAWK CRIES OUT]
[SCREAMING]
[GRUNTING]
[CRYING OUT]
[♪♪♪]
[GROUNDHAWK CRYING OUT]
[♪♪♪]
[MOANING]
NUBIA: Yeah
[WITHOUT ACCENT]
Your place or mine?
Boy, where'd that accent go?
[SCOFFS]
Girl, I'm from Bakersfield.
I'm gonna gonna
gonna
[GROANS]
[WHOOSHING]
NUBIA: I cannot fucking believe
you did that to me!
Oh, you can't believe it?
You were the one that kept
hitting me with
the friendly fucking fire!
It was an accident.
You hit me in the nuts, Nubia.
[♪♪♪]
You have any idea what
a thunderclap
- to the balls feels like?
- Ugh.
Don't be such a fucking pussy.
Well, there needs to be
some pussy around here.
I'm sure not getting any.
Well, you'd get some pussy
if you started
pulling your weight, Gerald.
This is exactly
what Dr. Krause said.
You're always trying
to neuter me.
[SIGHS]
See? This isn't working, NP.
W-Well, look, uh, hold on, okay?
Except for my balls,
Martin Luther King
and Malcolm X,
that battle went great.
Look, Ashley sent
the media report.
Our numbers are
through the roof.
It's too late.
Just sign the papers.
I need you to sign
the fuckin' Maya! Hey!
We didn't see you there.
Sorry we raised our voices,
honey.
Tough day at the office.
You were fighting again.
Sweetheart, being
a Supe couple is tough.
You belong to the world,
and your relationship is
bigger than the two of you.
And even if you want
something different,
you can't have it.
You're trapped.
It's suffocating.
And sometimes all you need
is a little patience
while you work through
deeply painful childhood trauma.
But no one will give it to you,
and your home becomes
an empty tomb of despair.
I definitely want to
fuck you now, Gerald.
Okay, all right, why don't we
go finish your homework
while Mommy tries
to make dinner.
Can you do that, Mommy?
This motherfucker.
NUBIAN PRINCE: And the terrorists
were vaporized.
Their cries of horror
echoing through the trees
as their blood settled
on the pristine snow.
The end.
Daddy, are you and Mommy
getting a divorce?
No. Of course not, honey, no.
[SCOFFS] I'm not stupid, Dad.
You fight all the time.
Well, maybe we just
love fighting.
But we also still
love each other.
And no matter what happens,
we'll always love you.
- [FOOTSTEPS]
- See? Here's Mommy
to kiss you good night.
Everything is fine.
Baby, Daddy and Mommy
are getting a divorce,
and Gerald's buying you a pony.
Nighty-night.
[♪♪♪]
[SIGHS]
Mommy's got some sulfur burns,
so she's gonna take a bath.
Keep doing your homework,
sweetie.
[GROUNDHAWK]
Fuck you, fuck off.
Leave a fucking message.
[AUTOMATED VOICE]
Mailbox is full.
[HUMMING]
Hello? Uh
Mr. Groundhawk
[GROUNDHAWK] It's my fucking day off,
you Vaught cock-knuckles!
I'm not from Vaught.
My name is Maya. Maya Nubian.
- [GROUNDHAWK] You a little kid?
- I'm not a little kid.
- I'm eight.
- [GROUNDHAWK] Jesus.
Don't soil yourself.
Door's open.
[GRUNTS]
It's locked.
[GROUNDHAWK] Oh, for fuck's sake!
Watch your eyes.
[MAYA CRIES OUT]
Eh, sorry about that, kid.
I'm not really good
at doorknobs.
- What, your parents send you?
- No.
I need your help.
Jesus fuckin' Christ.
All right.
Come on in.
You want a soda or something?
It's not like this can
look bad to anyone.
I'm not a pedo, by the way.
I don't even have fingers.
I'm not a goddamn pedo,
Benjamin!
[WHIMPERS]
Whoa, this place is a dump. Ugh.
[CAN OPENS]
Thanks, kid.
[SLURPING]
Whoa, dude!
What happened to your VS5?
I have anger issues.
Listen, kid,
what are you doing here?
I gotta get back to
staring into the void
and trying not to fatally
injure myself when I pee.
[SIGHS]
My parents are
getting a divorce.
- I heard.
- You heard?
Aw, look, kid,
truth is we work together.
All that good guy/bad guy stuff
is just bullshit
to sell backpacks and lunch boxes.
That fight where your folks met,
that was all a setup.
It was as fake as
your dad's accent.
Vaught even wrote
our lines for us.
Mine were fuckin' stupid,
by the way.
MAYA: I know.
My mom kept her scripts.
I need you to fight them again
- so they remember they love each other.
- Hmm.
My parents got divorced
when I was about your age.
They tried and all, but their
kid had hammers for hands,
and kept putting holes
in their shitty trailer home.
It was better for all of us.
My parents are only happy
when they're fighting.
Uh, I mean together.
They're only happy when they're
fighting bad guys together.
Well, it is a good time.
- So you'll do it?
- Sorry, kid.
Please?
I'll give you all this.
I'm not taking your money.
I'll come over
and open sodas for you
- whenever you want.
- Fuck, that's worse.
I guess I'll have to
tell everyone you're a pedo,
and you lured me here
with a broken VS5.
Aw, fuckin' hell!
I knew it'd look bad.
Oh
Fine! I obviously don't
have shit going on,
and I can't jack off
so I may as well
crack some heads.
[GRUNTS]
- LeBron James, I guess.
- [GRUMBLES]
You can have the house,
I'll take the Stingray,
we'll split the 401(K).
Uh-uh. No way. I am not
giving you the Stingray
so you can go finger-pop
some young American's asshole
in the bucket seat; fuck that.
- MAYA: Mom, Dad!
- BOTH: Maya?
- MAYA: Help! Help me!
- Maya!
- Oh, my God. Maya!
- What the fuck?!
[GROWLING]
Put Maya down right
fucking now, Groundhawk.
You know what?
I'm sick of your bullshit,
Nubians. Fight me!
What? You're not even
in our continuity this season,
you crazy motherfucker.
Come on, fight me, Gerald.
Or do you need
that bitch's permission?
- I don't need my wife's permission.
- You want a fight?
You got it, you egg-layin'
motherfucker!
- [MAYA CRIES OUT]
- Oh, oh, shit, kid. Are you
[GRUNTING AND GROANING]
- [SHOUTS]
- [GRUNTS]
Get down here and fight me.
Come up here and fight me,
hammer dick.
You know I can't.
Oh, well, I guess
I'm gonna have to go down
and get him, huh?
Thank you, my Prince.
- [GRUNTING]
- [SHOUTS]
[GROUNDHAWK CRYING OUT]
- Mmm.
- [SCREAMS]
This is going great.
[GRUNTING CONTINUES]
[♪♪♪]
[MOANING]
Yes!
[GROANING]
Oh hey
Wait. Stop!
I made him do it.
I said I'd call him a pedo.
He's a pedo?
As in a pedophile?
Like that dude
from Seventh Heaven?
- Damn, that shit fucked me up.
- I knew it!
[GRUNTING]
[PUMMELING CONTINUES]
- [PASSIONATE MOANING]
- NUBIAN PRINCE: Uh-huh.
- Yeah, whoo!
- [MOANING CONTINUES]
- Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
- NUBIA: Oh, my God.
- Yes! That's my Prince!
- NUBIAN PRINCE: Oh, goddamn!
Motherfucker. [LAUGHS]
Ooh, yeah!
- NUBIA: Gerald! Gerald!
- NUBIAN PRINCE: Nubia. Nubia!
- Whoo, yes!
- NUBIA: Go make me some tacos!
NUBIAN PRINCE: Tacos! Tacos! Taco Tuesday!
[BIRDS SINGING]
NUBIA: Mm.
[CHUCKLES, SIGHS]
Mm.
Did your trifling ass forget
to buy coffee again?
Shit, since when was I
supposed to do that?
Since I told you yesterday
to buy the fucking coffee, Gerald!
- [SPOON CLINKS]
- [BOTH GASP]
Honey, are those our divorce papers?
It'll be better for all of us.
- [LIL NAS X: "OLD TOWN ROAD"]
- Gonna take my horse
And, I'm looking at both
your trifling asses.
I want that motherfucking pony.
Got the horses in the back ♪
Horse tack is attached ♪
Hat is matte black ♪
Got the boots that's black
to match ♪
Riding on a horse, ha,
you can whip your Porsche ♪
I been in the valley ♪
You ain't been up
off that porch, now ♪
Can't nobody tell me nothing ♪
You can't tell me nothing ♪
Can't nobody tell me nothing ♪
You can't tell me nothing ♪
Yeah, I'm gonna take my horse
to the old town road ♪
I'm gonna ride
till I can't no more ♪
Can't nobody tell me nothing ♪
You can't tell me nothing ♪
Yeah, I'm gonna take my horse
to the old town road ♪
I'm gonna ride
till I can't no more ♪
I'm gonna take my horse
to the old town road ♪
I'm gonna ride
till I can't no more ♪
I got the ♪