The Class s01e06 Episode Script

- Hey, man.
- Hey.
You okay? Lina and I had our first date a month ago today, and I want to get her something to celebrate.
I want to get her a trumpet.
Really? I usually get'em flowers or drunk.
But if you score with the trumpet, you let me know.
On our first date, she told me she always wanted to play one, but they're so expensive.
Hey, you know what's not? Drug store vodka.
Ahh.
I love a gift that makes a girl say, "Where am I? What happened?" Heads up.
Oh, was I supposed to-- What's with the balls? Memorabilia convention.
And I'm running late.
So I need you guys to sign my name on 'em.
Cool.
I don't see anything unethical about that.
Is that sarcasm? 'Cause I do not get sarcasm.
Which is surprising, because you're so smart.
I know! Where's the convention? Atlantic City.
Oh, man, it's a sweet deal.
I just spend an hour chatting up the fans, and then it's all the free drinks and free food I can shove down my cake hole.
You're charming.
I appreciate you saying so.
They actually pay you to eat, drink, and get your ass kissed, wow.
You want to come along? Are you messing with me? Messing with him about what? Oh, Dunc's coming to AC with me.
I'm gonna shove free things down my cake hole.
So it's a fancy trip.
How about you, champ? You like Atlantic City? I've never been.
What? You've never been to AC? Well, that's it.
You're going.
Red's coming.
Um, can I talk to you for a second? Yeah, sure, what's up? Thank God you're going.
I need you to do me a huge favor.
Yeah, anything.
You gotta make sure Yonk doesn't gamble.
Yeah, I'm not doing that.
I'm begging you.
He's got a huge problem.
The last time he went to AC, $23,000.
He won $23,000? Yeah, that's my problem.
My husband is a compulsive winner.
Please? Will you at least try? For me? Yeah.
You know there's nothing I wouldn't do for you.
Thank you.
- How are those balls coming? - Great.
Just knowing I'm helping you get richer makes the time fly by.
That's the spirit.
I could do that all day.
Mommy, somebody's ready to show you her costume.
Oprah! Ta-da! She's ablind girl drinking juice.
Hello! Audrey Hepburn.
Breakfast at Tiffany's.
Oh! I love it.
Oh.
I don't get it.
You don't have to get it.
You just have to sell it.
Absolutely.
I'm leaving right now.
Guess what? Steve Martinez just went into rehab.
Yes! I'm gonna cover his spot on the midday news today, and it's between me and Sandy Tanaka to take over as weekend anchor.
Oh! Oh, my God.
This is our moment.
I know.
Weekend anchor! Weekend anchor! Okay, all right, let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Sandy Tanaka is gonna be tough to beat.
Oh, yeah.
With her Asian demographic and her big fake boobs.
Oh, you've noticed them, have you? Oh, honey, relax.
You know I'm an ass man.
Okay, come on, you've gotta go change.
I'm thinking the black Von Furstenberg with the new Jimmy Choo's.
Oh, no, I can barely walk in those.
They're so tall and spiky.
Can I just wear these? Black suit, brown shoes? Sure you can.
"Hello, Sandy Tanaka.
"Get your big fake rack down here.
You got the job.
" You're right, you're right.
What would I do without you? C lash.
That was so awesome.
All those players I grew up watching.
All those legends in the same room.
You know, I couldn't help thinking, "They got so fat.
" You know, how I keep it off? I only eat meat.
Well, that's not a heart attack waiting to happen.
Well, let's hope you're right.
Right, let's hit the tables.
Oh, we're gambling, huh? Oh, I'm not.
I promised Nic I wouldn't gamble.
But it's Big Rick here's first time in AC.
Thought he ought to have a little taste of the action.
Oh, I don't need to taste the action.
I assume it tastes like chicken.
I'll tell you what I do.
I'll spot you 100 bucks each, all right? Just as a thank you for signing my balls.
How you doing, darling? Danny, I'm gonna do a walk and talk along the fence there.
And make sure you're wide enough to see my shoes.
Jack said he wanted you in there with the animals.
Actually in there with them? Well, if that's what Jack wants.
Hey, guys! Hello, little fella.
Oh! Aren't you musty? All right, Dr.
Doolittle.
We've live in 3, 2 Halloween is one again upon us.
And here at the Upper Darby Autumn Festival, there's a petting zoo your little goblins won't want to miss.
Already the festival's attracted a record number of Oh! Oh! Get a hold of yourself, sweetie.
Now say it again.
You did what? I impaled a bunny with my shoe.
Oh, my God.
Okay, honey, I'm coming to get you.
Where are you? Boys, please keep it down! My wife is very upset.
She just killed a bunny.
- A bunny?! - His wife?! It was so horrible.
Oh, honey, I know.
But it's gonna be okay.
And it's a holiday.
Maybe not that many people were watching.
And Halloween got a little scarier today at a Philadelphia petting zoo.
We should warn you.
This footage may not be appropriate for children.
Here at the Upper Darby Autumn Festival, there's a petting zoo your little goblins won't want to miss.
Oh! Aah! Holy crap! I know.
It's already online.
There's a petting zoo your little goblins won't want to miss.
Ugh! Guess who I am.
Old-timey lesbian? Here's a hint.
Uh, what am gonna do about World War II? Oh, no, I can't believe I've got Polio! Have you met my wife Eleanor? She's got a face like a boat.
Whoosh! Greetings, citizens.
So what does the S stand for? "Seriously"? I think you can pull it off, Superman.
Thank you wheelchair transvestite? So, Superman? Really? - What? - Oh, nothing.
It's just kind of nice knowing I could kick Superman's ass.
Excuse me? Ignore her.
She's all hopped up on candy.
Yeah, I ate so many Skittles I peed the rainbow.
Wow, you're actually claiming that you could kick my ass? You guys, can we please go to this party? I'm really sweating in this suit.
You don't think that I could? Uh, well, I'm bigger than you.
I am stronger than you.
I wrestled in high school.
Oh, a wrestler, huh? Mm-hmm.
Well, then it shouldn't be a problem if somebody were to-- Hatcha! What the hell was that? Sorry.
What I mean to do was this! You are out of control.
Face it.
You can't beat me.
I've got special powers.
Oh, look out, Superman! Ow! Ow! Let me go! Let me go, let me go! All right, but first admit I am the Man of Steel.
Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
Fine, I've got nothing but time.
Okay, let go, come on.
Not until you say I am Superman.
Hmm? I'm hot.
Place your bets.
Okay, here's what I'm thinking.
I keep the money That's it.
Come on, man, you gotta play.
Besides, it's my 100 bucks.
You know, you just keep the profits.
Okay, okay.
Hit me.
Andnot my money.
It's to you, Rick.
Want a card? I don't know.
How do I do this? You gotta get a higher number than the dealer.
But you can't go over 21.
Okay, I have 14.
What do you have? I can't tell you that, sir.
Well, this is a nightmare.
Ask for a card.
Can I have another card, please? - Yeah, man, it's 21! - I won? Oh, my God! I won $10.
You having fun now? Yeah--not with the ring.
- Hi.
- Hey.
We were on our way to a party.
We thought we'd see how she's doing.
You didn't have to do that.
That's what I said.
Honey, look who's here.
Hey, how are you? It's only the worst day of my entire life.
But I'm getting through it.
Apparently I drink Scotch now.
Where did you see it? On the Internet.
It--it's on the Internet? Um, yeah, it's, um, called "Can I See This Bunny in a Size Eight?" Well, there you go.
It's everywhere.
I told you it was over.
What's over? I was up for weekend anchor.
It was between me and Sandy Tanaka.
Oh, we love Sandy Tanaka! Why would I do that? There must be some way to fix this.
Well, hey, what about if you, uh, you make a big apology on the air.
You know, maybe go back to the petting zoo.
Maybe you should wear sneakers.
I can't go back there.
Sweetie, you've gotta give it a try.
You want it so much.
Call Jack.
You can still get on the 11:00 news.
Okay.
Okay, I'll do it.
Ahoy.
Unh, let me go! Let me go who? Oh, you are so lame! Hey, Sweaty Roosevelt, help me out over here.
I'm sorry, but I've got Polio.
You know, I think it's interesting that you feel the need to be called Superman.
I mean really, what is that-- Oh wait, ow, ow, ow! No, no, no, I've got a cramp.
Seriously, let me go.
She's totally faking.
She always used to try this.
Oh, not faking, not faking! It really hurts! Just say it! Oh, my God, will you stop being such an ass? Look for tears.
She can fake the noises, but she can't make tears.
I can't see her face.
Let me go! - Totally dry.
- Damn it! - 21.
- I can't lose! How much do I have now? You're up 700.
$700? Yeah.
Do you have any idea how much money that is? Well, I once tipped a dealer five grand.
Do you have any idea how much money that is? Hey, I just realized something.
I've never seen you have fun before.
I know.
It's freaking me out.
Place your bets.
I'm betting it all.
Oh, God.
You gotta admire the plums on this kid.
Hear that? Admire my plums.
You're betting it all? I'm gonna get Lina the best trumpet anyone's ever gotten.
Hit me.
Hit me.
Hit me.
- 22.
- 22--what? Sorry, bud.
Before you take away the chips-- Okay, you're taking away the chips.
Why are you taking the chips, Vivian? Vivian, let's talk about this.
It's gonna be okay, all right? How can it be okay? I had $700.
I didn't have to keep going.
What am I gonna get Lina now? She'll understand.
She shouldn't have to understand.
What do I do? How do I get that money back? You can't.
Not unless you keep playing.
I'm in! - We'll go for another 1,000.
- Yes! No! No! No, no, no, no! Look, we agreed 100 bucks, that's all, okay? I lost my money.
We didn't keep going.
'Cause you're a loser.
I'm a winner.
I've got plums! You promised Nicole you wouldn't gamble.
I'm not gambling.
I'm just helping a skinny, pale kid buy some gal a trombone.
- Trumpet.
- Whatever.
Never one of them gonna get you laid.
- Just say I'm Superman.
- No! - My God, this is crazy! Ugh! You're grownups! Evan, you a doctor.
Doctors don't do this.
And you it's much less surprising, but enough already! Two words will set you free.
Oh, I got two words for you.
Unless Oh, you guys are enjoying this.
What?! I'm thinking maybe you two-- - Whoa, no, ew! - No, I don't think so.
Yeah, yeah.
All I know is you both found a way to spend the whole night wrapped around each other.
She is so not my type.
If anybody is into anybody, it's obviously him.
Uh, where do you get that? Uh, hello! That's padding.
Really? Come on, for two hours? Hey, I thought it might be your one superpower.
You know what? I'm gonna go to this party by myself 'cause I think you two kids need a little alone time.
- You're Superman.
- Whatever.
How do I look? Like a woman who's sorry she killed a bunny.
Any chance you could cry? I don't think so.
Maybe we can get you there.
Picture me with another woman.
Oh.
We're kissing.
We're groping each other.
Skirts are being ripped off.
- He said skirts.
- I heard it.
Honey, I don't need to cry.
I can handle this.
All right, we're ready to go.
Uh We're live in 3, 2 Less than ten hours ago, I was standing on this very spot surrounded by these glorious creatures that I love so much.
But then tragedy struck, taking the life of a popular little fellow namedQTip.
My heart goes out to bunnies and bunny lovers everywhere over the loss of this amazing rabbit.
I hope you can forgive me, and that I can forgive myself.
Reporting live amongst my furry friends, Holly Ellenbogen, News 9.
And we're out.
Please get these things away from me! Get them away from me! Wait, sorry.
Now we're out.
Oh! - We cannot catch a break.
- We need more money.
Man, this is starting to get ugly.
Starting to get ugly? You lost $15,000.
You have got to stop.
Don't listen to him.
Gambling is fun.
We are having fun! This is insane, man.
You have a problem.
Look, I appreciate your concern.
But I'm a big boy.
And nobody tells Yonk Allen what to do.
It's Nicole.
What's she doing calling you? I'm supposed to make sure you don't gamble.
You ain't doing a good job.
Hey.
Hey, how's he doing? Uh, let me go somewhere where I can talk, okay? All right, look.
I'll tell you what.
You just put the money away, and she doesn't need to know anything.
What are you doing here, kid? What are you doing? You have this incredible woman, and if I were married to her, man, I would never, I would never risk screwing that up.
You're right.
No! Hey, he's, uh He's doing good.
Everything's fine.
Oh, that's great.
Thank you so much.
Yeah, yeah, it was no big deal.
So where are you guys now? Uhstrip club.
Oh, that's great.
Keep him there.
Will do.
Thanks, kid.
Yeah.
Let's get out of here.
No.
What? I'm not stopping.
I want my salary for this week.
Yeah, that's not happening.
I worked for it.
It's mine, and I want it.
No way, man.
It's your rent, it's your gas.
You can't afford that.
I don't care.
It's for Lina.
It's my money.
I just-- Just once I need to not lose.
Thank you.
Good luck.
Hit me.
Hit me.
Don't do it.
Hit me.
Oh, my God.
This-- I don't know what to say.
This is the most thoughtful, perfect present I've ever gotten.
Yay! Now let's see what this baby can do, okay? Shut up! That's my neighbor in 2A.
Excuse me.
That's for the electric guitar! How do you like that now? Thank you.
It's perfect.