The Comeback (2005) s01e06 Episode Script

The Comeback - Season 1 Episode 6 "Valerie Saves the Show" I'm ready, Jane.
Mickey, could you clear or are you almost Finito ! I'm off like a prom dress.
I've never heard that before.
So tonight is the premiere of "Room and Bored.
" - Yeah.
- No, I need you to say that.
Oh, sure.
Of course you do.
So tonight is the premiere of "Room and Bored.
" And can you tell me how the reviews have been ? Well, I don't like to read reviews 'cause I don't want to get caught up in what the critics think, you know.
'Cause on the one hand you have matt rouch from "tv guide" who says : "kitschy fun to see Valerie Cherish who shines at the end of the episode in a very funny tag.
" And then you have "people" magazine who says, "Bottom line on'Room and Bored' was never bored, but there's room for improvement.
" So I'm sorry, that's not right.
Wait a second.
That's not I don't think that Mickey, do you have the reviews ? Yeah, good.
All right, thank you.
Um yeah.
Oh no, that's "Entertainment Weekly.
" "Variety.
" They didn't like it.
Here it is, yeah, "bottom line on'Room and Bored' room for improvement, but I was never bored.
" You know.
Legally I have to say exactly what they wrote Otherwise, you know, we'll be screwed.
All right.
If you guys are gonna be living here, there have to be some ground rules.
Rule number 1 : no sex.
Rule number 2 : if either of us is horny, disregard rule number 1.
Franchesca, honey, you're in Juna's space, dear.
Oh, no.
That's okay.
I don't mind at all.
- Rule number 3 : our panty drawers - Oh, you're sweet.
are strictly off limits.
This means you, mooner.
Yo, hold up ! That was one time.
I was cold.
- Oh, and my thong warmed you up ? - Damn S- AI EP#6 ID ! Okay, rule number 4 : you guys are responsible Where did you get these ? Um my agent sent them.
Opening night gift basket.
Mark, you're making a lot of noise.
Oh, sorry.
Sorry.
Hey, dylan, still bored ? Um, no.
Oh, my god, you guys.
I was so bad.
You were not.
Oh, Juna dear, you were wonderful.
You were just adorable and charming.
Everything good.
All right, quiet, everyone.
Here's my tag.
Girls, I'm gonna unpack your groceries.
Condoms.
Oh, I hate when they do that.
That is so disrespectful.
Oh ! What's that now ? What's that robot doing - I don't know.
- In my tag ? Well, all right, no one saw the tag, But everyone knows when the pepsi 400 is ! So unbelievable.
Well, it ruined it.
Now you don't know what happened.
Can't even tell.
- Could you tell what was in the bag ? - Yeah, there was - sex stuff in the bag.
- Yeah, at the end though.
What was in it at the end ? What was that ? You can't tell, can you ? Well you were there at the taping.
You were all there at the taping, so you know.
But what about the rest of the world ? Franchesca, you weren't there.
Could you tell what was in the bag at the very end, hmm ? It was a vibrator.
That's why it was vibrating.
Jane ? Probably shouldn't say vibrator in front of a child, right ? Yeah.
Why are you so upset ? Mark, it was the premiere, all right.
and there's a lot riding on it.
The fact is no one in america saw that tag, okay, Which Matt Rouch would have had to explain to mention in his review.
- No one saw it.
- Honey, honey, the show is good.
- And you are good.
- Oh, thank you.
Come on.
Oh, come on, come on, come on.
Okay.
- All right ? - Yes.
Come on.
- I'm just gonna freshen up a bit.
- All right.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
- Sure.
- Oh, Mickey, I almost forgot.
- What is it, dear ? - I don't know if you're seeing anyone, but there's this guy in my building, he's like 55 and so nice and his lover just died.
Anyway, I think you guys would totally hit it off.
So if you want his number or something just let me know, O kay ? I'll see you soon.
- Hey.
- There you are.
You all set ? - Yup, I got everything.
- Good.
There you are.
Thank you so much for tonight, Val.
It was great.
Juna, dear, it was my pleasure.
It really was.
- And you were so great, just phenomenal.
- Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
And your tag was really funny.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
- It was Wish I weren't the incredible shrinking woman trying to fight off the terminator, right ? - We had fun though.
- Yes.
- That's the important thing.
- It was great.
Thank you so much, you guys.
- I'll see you soon.
- Bye-Bye.
- So cute.
- Yeah.
Cute girl.
Yeah.
I don't know.
How many people are there gonna be ? It's two cameras, one sound guy and me.
Um, let me just ask my manager.
Okay.
Cafe Montana ? Get them.
I always forget we have to ask permission - before we go into one of these places.
- Val, - I have to ask you a question.
- Yeah.
Did you tell Juna I was gay ? Did I No, I didn't.
Last night she tried to fix me up with a man.
and if you didn't tell her, I don't know why she would assume I'm gay.
Well I've got to check inside.
All I'm saying is my personal life is personal.
I just don't want people wondering behind my back if I'm gay.
Right, yeah, no.
I know.
Uh, Jane, we're ready.
They don't want us to shoot in here.
Really ? I used to come in here all the time.
I'm a valued customer.
Are you in charge ? - Hi, I'm Valerie Cherish.
- Hi.
Oh, hi.
Listen, we're just not sure we want a reality crew - in here during the breakfast rush.
- Uh-Huh, yeah.
Well, all right, here's the deally, okay ? I used to be on a show called, "I'm it !" and my friend Mickey and I used to have this little tradition, you know, after every show, we'd come here, dial a number to check out the ratings.
So now I'm on this new show "Room and Bored.
" And, uh yeah, so, you know, we just thought it might be kind of neat to come here, and call that number and check the ratings like we used to.
- Cafe Montana.
- And it's for, you know, this reality show too.
So we're going to be saying, "Cafe Montana, Cafe Montana", - you know, all the time.
- J'adore Cafe Montana.
Yeah.
Sweetie, could I have a cup of decaf and a cinnamon bun, please ? - Oh what the hell, special occasion.
- That's right.
- Wanna check your ratings ? - Yeah, let's do that.
So for "I'm it !" we started at a nine and then spent that year building up to a 13.
So anything close to that.
Fast national ratings for tuesday.
"Hard knocks", 6.
1, 10 share.
"Pray for Wayne", "Room and Bored", For shows on competing networks, press four.
What did he say ? That's not good.
How many episodes do you think they'll give us ? We should probably go, huh ? Mickey start small, end big.
Right ? All right.
Miss ? Hi, can I get one of those too ? - Sure.
- Thank you.
Comfort food.
They make it look so good.
- Is it hot ? - No.
Oh.
Do you want me to have her heat it up ? No.
- Hi, everyone.
- Hey.
Aw, ratings blues ? - Huh ? - Mm-Hmm.
Got that ? Yeah, that's what I was afraid of.
I was afraid of that.
Listen the writers are going to come down, okay, to talk to us.
And here's what they're going to say.
They're just going to say, "look, the ratings yeah, not the super bowl not yet !" Right ? You know, but look, the thing is is that it's important that we stay positive, you know.
And we're a team.
So we've really got to stay together, be positive, keep our spirits up - 'cause we still have a show to do.
- Attention, everyone ! We suck.
Hey, 3.
5 it's simple math, people.
We suck.
You suck and you suck and you suck - and you, hey ! - What about me ? - You suck balls.
- Ooh-Ooh-Ooh ! Guys, guys, everybody ignore him ! - It wasn't me.
- This guy yelled "you suck" at my wedding.
- Agh ! - So you know listen, I just wanted to say the network is okay with the numbers.
This was totally expected.
It's fine.
- It's it's perfectly fine.
- Okay.
I just wanted to give you guys a shout out.
Isn't that what the kids are saying ? Kids are saying we suck balls.
No no, actually we do not suck balls, all right ? But you know, what does suck balls is our time slot.
That sucks balls.
Kidding.
And also, you know, another thing is that you had this brilliantly funny tag that you wrote that I was lucky enough to perform and the critics loved and what do they do ? They shove it over to the side and then throw a robot in there who's going, "bip-Bop-Boop, must destroy comedy.
" Ugh, you know ? You know, if anything, if you wanna be proactive, the one thing you can do is, you know, you have those very funny moments at the end, you put'em in the middle of the show, where someone can see'em, you know Yeah, maybe we'll try that tonight, you know, when we're here doing rewrites till 4:00 in the morning.
Are you here that late ? Oh really ? Wow ! Just hats off, you guys, killing yourselves for this show.
On behalf of all the actors, you know what ? Thank you.
Thank you, Tom, Paulie G.
Thank you, Gigi.
And thank you - I want to say Barry.
- Milo.
That's right, Milo.
That's right, yeah and you know, all the others.
Leave no one out, thank you.
- All right, we're gonna head out.
- Come on, "Barry - all the others " - Very disappointed.
"Very disappointed " That's short for what ? Doesn't that smell good ? You should get that one.
That one's real good.
I should say what we're doing.
It's about 1:00 in the morning and Mickey and I decided to make cookies for the writers.
Uh sugar crash.
He had about 10 of these.
Anyway, I just thought it would be fun to do a surprise late-Night cookie run, just as a thank you to the writers for all their hard work.
'Cause anyone can send a basket now, but these are homemade with love.
So Now, I think the key to baking is you cut them real thick.
into globs like that Hang on, hang on one second.
- Yeah ? - It's just an audio problem.
- Uh-Huh.
- Can you fix her mic ? Okay.
That was good too.
Did you miss the Who's this ? - I'm Sean.
- Uh-Huh, hi, Sean.
Hey.
- Sweat kills these things.
- Oh You tend to sweat a lot.
I don't think I do.
No, I don't, not really.
I think you probably sweat too much.
- I'm gonna have to replace it.
- All right.
You know what, I'm sorry, that's actually, I think that's a union thing, a rule it has to be a woman, you know, 'cause I'm a woman.
This isn't a union crew.
Yeah, no no, that's right, Jane, could you change this out for me ? Jane, we'll we're just gonna go in there, thank you for understanding.
- Uh, Jane - What ? Yeah.
What happened to our regular sound guy ? What's his name ? - Al.
- Al, yeah He worked all day.
We had to get a whole new crew for this.
Uh-Huh, yeah I'm not so sure about my new friend, Sean.
Kind of creeping me out a little bit, you know.
What are those what are those scratches on his forehead ? It looks like looks like someone was trying to fight him off.
You know thanks for doing this.
I'd do it myself, but I have cookie dough on my hands.
Just yeah.
- Okay.
- It's on.
That's good.
- Oh, right - Okay.
Well, I'm sorry, you have to That's good.
Yeah, that's fine.
Thank you, yeah, good.
Isn't this fun ? Like a secret mission.
I know.
It's always fun to reward people for their hard work.
Show them you appreciate them and then they in turn appreciate you, and the wheel goes around karma.
Oh, this is it, Jane.
It's this room with the lights on.
Yeah Oh, you should get this.
What are they up to ? Oh yeah ! Ah ! Oh my god ! Oh dear - that supposed to be you ? - Yeah yeah ! - I got it.
- Okay.
Wow, look at them go.
I do wanna feel it ! Oh my god ! Oh my god ! Dude, they're at the door.
They're at the door.
- What ? - Shit ! Shit ! All right, guys, guys, guys We've got a mission.
Hello hello hello ! Hi, fresh cookies, homemade.
- A little late-Night treat.
- Thank you.
Oh, you're welcome, no, thank you for all your hard work.
Yeah Tom and Milo, Paulie Zack, Gigi, Arthur All right, I'm gonna sneak out, okay ? Let you get back to your work.
- Yeah.
- Plugging away.
All right.
Thank you.
Do you want to talk about what you just saw in the writers'room ? Yeah, uh Jane, that was nothing.
It really was just, you know, writers blowing off steam, you know.
So you don't take that personally ? Oh, please, no.
No, it's a comedy show, you know.
That's you know, part of the creative process.
- So yeah, okay - Okay.
So you don't see that as a personal attack ? Jane, you really have to lighten up, okay ? Attack of what ? Attack of the giggles ? Got me no no no.
It's late.
We should all go home, I think.
Okay ? Everyone drive drive safe.
We're all going home, so go back to your home.
He was supposed to be fucking her, right ? - You're okay ? - Yeah.
Do you want breakfast ? I'm taking orders.
Sure, yeah.
Sorry.
Hey, Val.
- Hey.
- Um, are you okay ? Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.
Still only in the tag though Oh no, I meant I meant about last night you and the writers Oh, the writers ! Oh, they were just horsing around.
That's, you know, that's what they do, you know.
That's Who told you ? - Mickey told me.
- Told you what ? What happened ? Nothing, it's not even worth talking about, it's - no big deal - Val, yes it is.
It's a huge Valerie went last night to the writers' room at like to bring them cookies.
And when she showed up, Paulie had Milo bent over the table and Milo was pretending to be Valerie and Paulie was pretending to fuck Valerie up the butt.
Well, it's just Okay, what do I want for breakfast ? - I don't wanna hear about this.
- I know, isn't it awful ? What do I want ? You know what I want ? The fruit.
- Uh, the seasonal berries ? - Yeah.
- Or the melon salad ? - Yeah, all the fruit.
That's good.
Val, you know, it's awful.
They shouldn't do that to you.
Well, okay, here is the thing about writers, all right.
They have to simulate sex 'cause they don't get any real sex.
Jane, Jane, that's not true.
That's not true.
Writers get a lot of real sex.
Okay, that's enough, I don't have to listen to this.
I'm a christian.
Oh, shit ! Oh, god ! - Is that for real ? - Yeah.
I totally forgot that she's a christian.
I didn't even know.
I didn't know.
I had It is a scorcher ! Nice fan, Mickey.
Oh, thanks.
$2, Chinatown.
I have a whole drawer full.
Hello ? Please hold for Jason Silver.
Oh, sure, yeah, Jason Silver.
That's you know, the big producer of "The Comeback.
" So Jane's boss, the big cheese.
- Valerie, Jason Silver.
- Hi, stranger.
Val, I'm getting on a plane in a second, so we gotta to make this quick.
We have a problem with the black Jesus freak.
You mean Shayne ? Yeah, she's lovely.
Lovely girl.
Uh we're rolling, right, Jane ? I'll go again.
We have a problem with the African-American christian.
- Jane, is that enough time for an edit ? - Yeah, we're good.
Her lawyer faxed us a letter.
Okay, she's a christian.
There's too much talk about sex.
She will not appear on "The Comeback" anymore.
Well, you know, she's a minor character, so we don't need her.
Val, we don't know what we need, plus she's one of the hot kids on "Room and Bored.
" How can we explain that she's not on "The Comeback"? Right, yeah.
You know, we could maybe like those other reality shows, say she got fired, or voted off or look, frankly, Val, the christians, that's like 40% of the viewing audience.
Are they that much ? Wow ! God love'em.
Okay, I'm getting on a plane.
You've gotta fix this.
All right, yeah, no, I'll fix it, I'll fix it.
Shayne, it's Valerie.
Can I come in ? I have cameras.
- Hi.
- But we'll shoot over your shoulder.
You know, to protect your religion and privacy.
-Okay.
- Okay, she said okay.
- Okay.
- Let's get on the other side.
Through there.
- Just here and here ? - Yeah.
Ready ? Okay.
Thank you so much for meeting with me, you know.
I just thought maybe if you could tell me what the problem is, maybe we could work it out.
I do not want to be associated with a show that does not promote christian values.
Uh-Huh, not to be difficult, but "Room and Bored " That's a sitcom.
My character on "Room and Bored" isn't a christian, but on "The Comeback," I'm me.
I see that's the difference, yeah.
I see, yeah but you know, I think, you might have the wrong impression of me.
I am a very spiritual being.
Are you a christian ? Well, no, I respect all religions, you know, as being important and valid holy, you know and as a celebrity I don't think it's right to endorse any specific religion.
You know, that's a very private thing and each individual has Well, I'm a christian and I don't think jesus would approve of reality shows.
Mm-Hmm, yeah, well, I think he might.
I think he might because you know first of all he allows them to happen.
You know and in second of all, he's put this one in your path, didn't he ? I mean, you know, maybe you could use my reality show to show the reality of christian life.
Well let me close my eyes and pray on it.
Okay, I see it.
Yeah, I see what you mean.
- Oh, are you back in ? - Yeah, I'm in.
Oh, good, oh ! Oh, good.
Oh, I'm so pleased.
Oh, I'm so pleased that you're gonna partake of my show.
I really am.
That's good.
Uh, can we shoot your side of the conversation now so we can edit it all together ? - Oh sure, sure.
- Okay, you remember what you said ? - Yeah, I just gonna put a little powder.
- Powder, yeah, sure.
Hey Paulie, you need a ride ? No, I'm all set, thanks.
- Okay, I'll see you tomorrow.
- Bye.
- Hey, Val, Val ! - Tom, hi.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- That was such a good show tonight.
- Wasn't it fun ? Yeah.
That tag was so funny.
It-It - Oh, thank you, thank you.
- It oh Well, hopefully a big monster truck won't roll through the screen.
You know You know "screen".
- "through the screen " - Yeah.
Oh man, seriously.
Listen, I just wanted to apologize to you about the other night.
Sometimes in the writers'room things kind of get a little bit out of control.
- Yeah, no - You know ? Yeah, no apology necessary.
You know, I'm not one of those actors who has no sense of humor, you know runs off to call a lawyer.
- Yeah.
- Yeah You know, I mean, we were just blowing off some steam.
"Blowing off steam," that's what I've been telling anyone who'll listen, yeah.
- Sure.
- Yeah, but it was just stupid.
It was just really immature.
- No, it's really okay.
- So I you know It's really okay.
You know, I get it.
When I was on "I'm it !" I didn't care what the writers did at night, as long as there was a great script waiting for me in the morning.
That's all that matters.
- All right.
- Right.
Okay, all right, so I'll see you.
Thanks for chasing me down for yeah.
Nice.
Jane, can you get this ? You wanna zoom in on that, huh ? Can you see it ? "Aunt Sassy gets a boyfriend.
" Looks like I got myself an episode.
Did you see that, Jane, though ? Do you see when you're nice to someone, you bake them cookies and you show them how much you care, then you get rewarded ? It's karma.
Val, this is so great ! I'm so excited ! Okay, does everybody have a script ? It's good ? Okay, all right, let's get started.
Tom, I actually sorry, I just I just want to say thank you, Thank you to the writers for this funny, wonderful, great script.
Thank you so much, Tom, Paulie, Milo, Gigi, Zack, Arthur and Andrew.
Thank you so much for your talent, thank you.
Oh and also, how about, how about our amazing p.
A.
S ? Let's say thank you for all their hard work too.
- Terry and Lauren.
- Thanks.
And now I know all of you.
You're all fantastic.
Thank you anyway, yeah.
Can I say something as well ? I'd like to say a quick prayer before we start.
Lord, bless this reading and bless our show.
I know the ratings are gonna pick up.
Jesus has us in his pocket.
Amen.
Amen Okay "Aunt Sassy gets a boyfriend.
" Written by Tom Peterman and Paulie G.
"Act one, Juna and Shayne sit on the couch.
" I'm bored.
Let's set Aunt Sassy up on a date.
Sure, let me get that list of 60-Year-Old bachelors I keep in my hope chest.
I was thinking, maybe she'd like that southern guy from the restaurant down the street Big Dick Perkins.
And Sassy has entered, Looking a little more dressy than usual.
Sounds good.
I'll have one order of Big Dick Perkins, Hold the perkins.
Mooner and Stitch are waxing their surfboards.
Aunt Sassy looks at them longingly "Wow, you boys really know how to wax your boards.
" - Funny.
- So funny