The Comedians (US) (2015) s01e06 Episode Script

So, Billy, you got to be excited about this.
It's your return to sketch comedy.
Right.
It's your return to series TV for the first time in years.
Well, I'm excited and terrified, Elvis, to to be honest.
You know what I mean? Don't be terrified, I won't bite.
No, we'll be okay.
Uh, we're having a great time, and I think we're doing great stuff.
(Josh) It's gonna be amazing.
So you're working with with Josh.
I mean, is there any kind of clash in styles? - You're Josh, right? - I'm I'm Josh.
No.
No, there's not been A clash of styles? - Uh-uh.
- No.
- Not that.
- We celebrate.
We celebrate, we don't We don't clash.
We love stylistically committing to the same approach, and we find an entranceway through that.
- It's just to be funny.
- To be funny.
So, however we get there, we get there, you know.
Okay, well, let's change up here.
So politics, right? I mean, you guys have got to go political with the show to some extent, don't you? Well, the thing about doing current events, politics It's difficult, because, well, neither one of us does a good Obama.
No, I definitely don't.
Obama doesn't do a good Obama.
Yeah, I get that but, you know, isn't comedy really the way to sort of deal with social issues? I mean, you come from that comedy.
Yes, yes.
No, I think we'll be satirical.
We're not like SNL.
If SNL something happens even on the show day, it can be in the show that night.
Like, we're filming a show this week.
It won't be on for a couple of months.
So current events is hard for us.
We got to get some black people on this show.
Oh, sorry.
No, I will honey, I'll pick up the salmon.
All right, Jules, see you later.
- Bye.
- Hi Bye, Julie! - She was gone.
- Okay.
- What's up? - Elvis Mitchell.
Yeah? Did you not see the way he was looking at our crew Our white, white crew? No, I-I did not notice that, no.
Well, he was, a lot.
[whispering.]
Did you ever think about how totally devoid of minorities we are on this show? Did you? Well, no, not until today, but, I mean, look at us.
The cast white.
The writing staff I mean, yeah, we have the one Asian guy but it's like off-white at best.
Even the the grips and the, uh, the - microphone - Sound.
Sound even sound is white.
We're like a goddamn snowstorm up in here.
And you think Elvis Mitchell was making a mental note about how many minorities we have on our staff? I saw what I saw.
I looked at our show through his eyes, and I could just see the way it was radiating back Elvis Mitchell, award-winning entertainment journalist, and you think all that he sees is race? Well, no.
No.
Josh, If Elvis was white, would you have the same thought? - No, I wouldn't.
- No.
Isn't that a little racist? Oh, my God.
I'm the problem.
So we shouldn't hire any minorities? Um (Billy) We think it's really important to get some Uh faces of color.
(Billy) Faces of color around the show.
- In the show.
- In and around the show.
- Right.
- That's that's a great idea.
It is.
We would not want to be thought of But, you know, it's not about what we're thought of.
- I don't care about the media.
- Yeah.
It's about doing the right thing.
I mean, look at our cast.
It's mostly the two of you.
- Right.
- Yeah.
But when it's the two of us and someone else, that someone else should be - Diverse.
- Diverse.
- Just a little diverse.
- You know? (Billy) I mean, and not just on the cast.
I'm talking about the crew too.
I mean, my God.
- Our writing staff - Well, there is Andrew.
- Who's that? - Who's Andrew? (Mitch) Andrew Tseng.
- The Asian guy.
- I love him.
Kristen, whatever happened to the, uh, that makeup girl? - Woman.
- Woman.
Whatever happened to that makeup woman? I don't know who you're talking about.
Oh, man.
40-ish? She wasn't fat.
She wasn't skinny.
Yeah.
She definitely could drop a couple, like we all could.
But, uh, she wore earrings.
Yes.
I know who you're talking about.
She wore that purple shirt that one time.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Her.
- Yeah.
- And lipstick.
Yes.
I remember that.
- What happened? - I want to say Jamila? We've never had a Jamila.
Never.
Jamila, no.
Her name was more - Normal.
- I was going to say "bland.
" Right.
And she's very articulate.
But not no more than you would expect.
- Yeah.
- Oh, no, of course.
She lives up to my already high expectations of how articulate she would be that she is.
Are you guys talking about Karen? - Yes! - Oh, thank God.
- Thank God.
- Yes, Karen.
Jamila.
Jesus Christ! The African-American woman? - I don't see color, so - Was she black? - Yeah.
- Oh.
We, um we had to let her go.
- No, why? - No, what? Kristen, why would you fire her? I did not fire her.
She was a temp and Well, we have to get her back.
She was the best.
- You got to bring her back.
- She was just so talented.
- The best.
Yeah, everything.
There's nobody who does the things that she does.
- Better.
- Really? You know what? Here's what it comes down to.
Billy Crystal and I would just like to be on a show that represents America.
Right, and everybody that we hire has got to be - Great.
- Black? No.
Great.
Great? I mean, we we can't hire some sort of - Uh, token minority.
- Yeah, token.
No token, no tokens here.
So just great people? Great people tokens Tokens are for the subway.
You know what I mean? No, they're not anymore, actually.
(Billy) What? They replaced them with swipe cards.
I don't know.
I-I take a car.
(Billy) Anyway, could we work on this? Yeah, so just hiring someone not not necessarily black.
- No, just - Maybe.
- A colored person, not - But not white.
- Not a colored person - No more white people.
A person of a different shade of color than, uh Whatever.
- White Jew.
- She knows what to do.
- Yeah.
- All right.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- You know what we want.
- Thank you guys for keeping it diverse.
[door closes.]
- And of course, the fusili - Fusili.
Topped with arugula, fresh porcini mushrooms, shaved pecorino, and spicy turkey poison Italian sausage.
I'm sorry.
What what was that last one? - Which one? - The last one.
- Ah, the fusili.
- Yeah.
- What's in that? - Aha.
- Arugula - Uh-huh.
Uh, fresh porcini mushroom, shaved pecorino, and spicy turkey poison Italian sausage.
Wow.
That sounds great.
- Is is it good? - It's not great.
It's incredible.
I try some before my shift begin.
I know, Bob.
I know.
I know, but the guys asked for this.
Well, tell the guys you're significantly over-budget.
I know we're over-budget.
Significantly over-budget.
Significantly over-budget.
- But - Kristen, it's simple.
If you want to make additional hires, you need to find savings elsewhere.
- Period.
- Okay.
Okay.
Good night, Bob.
Maybe you could find some savings up your B-hole, Bob.
Hmm? Do you mind that, if I take a gander up your B-hole? I'm still here, Kristen.
I know.
I am looking everywhere.
You got to give me credit for that.
(Josh) Billy? [falsetto.]
Oh, I'm sorry, Billy's not here.
- It's safe.
- He's not I lied.
- Oh! - Oh.
These are great.
Where did you get these? I got it for my grandson, but my daughter said, "No guns, Dad," so I kept them.
- Ow! - Oh, did you jam? Did you hear the jam Ow, ow, ow! [laughs.]
Yeah, how do you like that? How do you like that, big man? - Hi.
- Kristen! Aah! Aah, no! Aah! Aah! [laughter.]
[imitating Howard Cosell.]
And down she goes.
Down goes Kristen.
- I was - Down goes Kristen.
I was just I was wondering if you guys might want to take a minute and just pop in and say hello to the new writer.
Writer? No, pass.
- Yeah, Pass-adena.
- Pass-trami on rye.
- That's a stretch.
- Not all of them can be gems.
Yeah, said the counterfeit jeweler.
That's good.
That's actually really good.
Are you sure you don't want to pop in just real quick? Yeah, we're a little busy right now.
Yeah, he's busy getting killed.
Aah! Yeah, but this is the new writer, the one we just hired.
We hired a new writer? Kristen, no offense.
The writers are great.
They do some great work, but that room, it just - It stinks.
- Yeah, it really does.
- It smells so bad.
- It smells like mustard.
- And scalp.
- And sadness.
- Yeah, it's tragic.
- But this is the new writer.
Ron.
Ron.
Yeah.
- What? - He's African-American.
- Citizens of Rome.
- There he is! - Citizens of Rome.
- Welcome.
- Wow, this is great.
- Willkommen.
- How are you, sir? - Good to meet you.
- Good to meet you.
- Ron? So good to meet you.
- How are you? - Good.
- You gonna do it? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, Mitch, here's your stuff.
- Oh.
Perfect.
- Welcome.
- Thank you, man.
- Fantastic.
- I'm thrilled to be here.
- Stuff's hilarious.
Can I just say love your material.
- Loved it.
- Yeah? - Yeah, funny, edgy, great.
- Love your material oh, man.
- Great, hilarious.
- Thank you, man.
What'd you read, the feature or the other thing? The, um feature.
It's so great to have you here.
- It's great.
- Thank you, man.
I actually used to live in your old building in New York.
- What? His? - Yeah.
- Seriously? 325 E.
5th Street? - Yes, sir, yes, sir.
- You're kidding.
I lived there when I went to NYU.
It's oh, man, it's a great old building.
Well, it's an abandoned crack house now.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
What happened one of those big new crack chains moved in? - Crack depot.
- Crack depot.
Well, you know, you can't beat their prices.
It's true.
Crack-4-Less.
They're very competitive.
Yeah, but you know what? We had their crack for the holidays and it was disappointing.
It's like a Chris Rock bit.
Crack, man, I don't like the crack! It's all crack! Crack Crack, Etcetera.
I went down there! [chuckles.]
Crack Etcetera one of the big it's a big crack chain.
Right.
So, uh, I was driving in.
Thought of a funny sketch.
Oh, my God, already.
That's incredible.
Ron, typically what happens is the guys pitch stuff to me, then I take the top stuff to Mitch, Mitch, it's it's fine.
Not today.
- Oh.
- No, we're we're just here I mean, I don't want to step on any toes.
No, no, no, no.
Nobody's ideas get excluded here.
No, no, no, no, no.
This is a total meritocracy.
Ab-solutely.
Absolutely.
Yeah, so just tell us what you got.
- So am I good? Cool? - Yeah.
Hey, please.
- All right, my man - Please, please.
So I don't have it all figured out yet - Beginning, middle, and end.
- No worries.
But it's it's basically a Klansman with Tourette's.
Ah! [laughter.]
- That's very funny.
- Yeah, yeah.
I figured you could be the grand wizard, right? Right.
'Cause I've, like, worked my way up.
Indeed, indeed.
Absolutely.
And he's like a newbie Klansman.
Right, that's good.
I think I actually went to high school with a girl named Newbie Klansman.
Newbie Klansman, report to the principal's office.
Your mother's here to take you home.
That's great stuff, man.
Yeah.
- Oh, that's funny.
- Thank you, man.
- I appreciate it.
- That's unbelievable, my man.
Thank you, man.
Thank you.
So, yeah, man.
You mind if I write that up? - Do I mind? - Yeah.
No, of course, Ron.
- No, it's super.
- Just want to make sure, man.
- Super, super, super stuff.
- Cool, cool.
- I'll write it up then.
- Yeah, it's gonna kill.
Oh, that's very funny.
- That's so funny.
- See, it's it's fresh.
We, uh we can't have meat and cheese, uh, out here anymore.
It costs too much money.
And we just have We have to find savings.
I got gotta find savings.
The cheese isn't really all that expensive.
Who do you work for? Me or cheese? No cheese! [knock at door.]
Coming.
- Hey, come on in.
- Hey, how are you? Thank you so much for having me.
Sure hey, listen.
Make yourself at home.
I'm just gonna finish stirring the soup.
Perfect.
But don't use the hook on the wall, the hook's broken.
You may want to be careful.
I just waxed the floors.
Just have a seat and relax.
Oh, but don't sit on that chair, that chair's broken.
Ooh, I know you're a Civil War buff.
I got an authentic Union Army jacket in the closet if you want to take a look.
But you should knock first 'cause there's [screams.]
Some kind of weird bear in there.
He gets real horny if you surprise him.
Can't wait for you to taste this soup.
Mitch, I know.
Believe me, I know.
But it is these fudging budget cuts.
$12? You really want to walk into a room full of writers and tell them they need to limit their lunch order to to $12? I was hoping you would do it.
Kristen, no.
These are writers.
Lunch is all these people have.
You limit them to $12, you might as well kill them.
Maybe if you tell them that most Americans have to pay for their lunches.
- Oh, good! - Okay You asking her about my parking space? - I no.
- Parking parking spot? - Parking spot? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was just wondering, 'cause all the other writers get to park right up front and, like, my space is all the way across the lot.
- It's, like, kind of far.
- Yeah.
Well, that's well, that's because we're only allotted a certain number of of parking spaces, and they've all been taken.
- And since you're new - New? I've been a professional writer for six years.
- Now, I worked on SNL.
- That's not what I meant.
- Not what I meant.
- I went to Harvard.
No, no, no, no I meant new to this show.
'Cause, believe it or not, every single one of those parking spots costs our production $175 a month.
Oh, no, I got it.
Separate but equal.
Okay.
That's cool.
Separate but equal.
I am so sorry that you have to walk 500 yards to your parking spot, but you know what, suck it up! - Kristen.
- Suck it up, Harvard man! Easy.
You know what, you make more money than Mitch.
- What? - Yes! - He does? - What? - Yes, he does.
- Do I? And you're in here complaining? I'll get some coffee.
He makes more than me? [mouthing.]
Yeah.
I'm sorry, Mitch, you had to find out that way.
I feel really bad about it.
We all made a vow to never tell you.
What how many people know about this? - Everyone.
- [groans.]
Have you read the Klansmen with Tourette's sketch yet? - I'm finishing it right now.
- Okay.
- Wow! - It's hilarious.
- It's a - Hilarious.
Honestly one of the funniest sketches I've ever read.
This is a whole other level.
- Oh, my God, it's genius.
- Wow.
I mean, no offense to Mitch and No, no, no, they're all great, but this dialogue Forget about it.
One joke after another.
Boom, boom, boom, boom.
- Slam dunk.
- All funny.
All of them.
Every joke.
Wow.
- We can't do this sketch.
- Not a chance, no.
- No, we'd get killed.
- Killed to death.
Right to death.
No and and, it's not that it's not funny.
No, it's the opposite of not funny.
- Yeah.
- It's funny.
The amount of times that we would have to say the - The, uh, the - Word.
- "N" word.
- Yeah, it's it's It's a lot, a lot.
A lot.
- One would be a lot.
- Right.
And the ending? Oh, the uh, the burning cross? - No, the - Oh, the lynching joke.
Not that it's not well-written.
No, it's incredibly well-written.
- Kill the sketch.
- Yeah, for sure.
[sighs.]
I'll tell you I am actually relieved.
Why? Because I thought you were gonna say to me, "Come on, don't be such a pussy, Billy.
" What? I don't talk like an old lady.
No no I All right.
It's more like, "Come on, Billy.
"Grow some balls, man.
Come on, Billy, grow some balls, man.
" Why am I a Jersey boy in 1955? I would be more like, "Come on, Billy, grow some balls.
" You know, like, just a little more nasal.
No no.
That's not even close to you.
It's more like, "Billy, we got a chance "to do something special, you know.
Where's the edge, man.
Where's the edge?" - Honestly, that was excellent.
- That was actually very good.
- Third time's a charm for you.
- Yeah.
- That was incredible.
- I pulled back just a little.
But there's edge and then there's ahh.
- There's over the edge.
- Yeah.
That's like, you know, off the cliff time.
Yeah, crash and burn.
That's like Thelma and Louise - holding hands going off the - Both: Whoa! - You want to tell him? - You want to tell him? - Love this sketch.
- Love it.
It's really funny, it is super sharp.
And it's edgy.
Maybe, dare I say, too edgy? Too edgy? Uh, a tad.
A tad.
Too edgy.
I think I think what William here is trying to say is that the two of us in Klan robes, copious iterations of the "n" word, um It's tough.
It's tough.
- 'Cause we're white.
- Yeah.
You know, saying "N," et cetera.
Right.
But you're Klansmen.
No, no, no it's just listen.
Key and Peele, Chappelle, of course, they could get away with it.
It would destroy.
Sure but Josh and I less so.
J'agree.
First off, let me let me just say this.
You guys are great at what you do, I love what you're doing here.
Billy, you're obviously a legend.
No.
Far be it for me to try to tell you how to run your show.
No, everybody's opinion is wanted.
No no, no, no.
We are a team.
- Right.
- We are all brothers.
- Not brothas.
- Dial it back.
- Siblings.
- Dial it back.
Listen, as the only black writer on staff, it just kinda hurts to hear that my stuff could only work on Key & Peele.
Both: No! That's not what we're saying at all.
That's not that's not what we're saying.
No, because, here's the thing.
The audience, those guys who are watching it, are never gonna know that the fellow who wrote this is Is black.
- Exactly black.
- Right, right.
You know, maybe if you were to go out there and you were to say, "Hi, my name is Ron Miller" Murray, actually.
Yeah.
Murray.
Right.
"The sketch that you are about to see, I wrote.
" But when have you ever done that? Have you ever had a writer introduce his sketch? - It would be a first.
- We've never done that.
It would be a first.
But you know who else was a first? - Jackie - Don't.
Palance.
Jack Palance.
To do a one-arm pushup on the Oscars.
- With this man.
- Jack Palance? - Yeah.
- From City Slickers.
One and two, he came back.
- Wow.
- You know what Maybe if we took it a different way.
Let me just pitch this.
This could be funny.
Uh, I'm the wizard, right? Yeah.
I find out about the Tourette's, I can't stand him, he's loud and annoying, and I kick him out.
Right, but then the rest of the Klan finds out that we're actually Jews, and they kick us out.
That's funny.
- It could be funny.
- That is funny.
This is why the hangings on Friday were always before sundown.
Get 'em.
Get them Jews.
Right.
No more challah.
Get that challah out of their hands.
You guys, it's I mean.
Or or, just spit balling here.
What if we keep the original sketch as written, but instead, maybe we substitute with the word, uh, Negro.
Negro? [laughs.]
Look, man.
As a black man, if I'm watching a sketch about the Klan and they're saying Negro, I'm gonna be more offended at that than if you just kill the sketch.
- I got it.
- I mean, it's the KKK.
They like lynching black people and they love saying nigger.
- Ahh - Whoa! Ah, see, just Ron, just hearing it.
Just hearing it is tough.
That's the point, though.
But look, you know what, if you guys just want to do straight up setup-punchline right up the middle, it's gonna be funny whatever you do.
You guys are genius.
I just get the sense from both of you that you want to do something a little more.
Something important.
So Ron quit.
He sold a show to Comedy Central.
[sketch continues under laughter.]
- It's a funny sketch.
- Yeah, it is.
Nobody ever argued it wasn't funny.
Nobody.
And for some reason, we we're still We still have to pay him.
Welcome back, Jamila Karen.
Karen.
Welcome back, Jamila.
She's Jamila's over there.
You guys look a lot alike Shut up, just shut up.
Now fellas, Y'all know, nobody hates them n-n-n-n Them n-n-n [Shouts.]
African Americans! - Ahem! Uh, more, more than that um - What did you just say? Nothing.
Not nothing You said something, now what was it? - I said n - Say it - Say that word -N-n-n African Americans! - Oh, come on! No, no, listen - How much longer is this - going to be going on? - No I know it's a problem an' I'm trying to deal with this shit, my Tourette's Tourettes is a Zionist conspiracy.
You say that you have hate in your heart, but I for one am not hearing it.
No, I know I do! Oh, Grand Wizard, Brethren, - I have so much hate in my heart.
- Yeah! Oh, in fact, I've got so much hate in my heart that I think - Obamacare is working! Shit! - Alright that is it.
- You are out of the Klan! - No! Brothers, I'm sorry, this meeting is over Let's go No, no, give me another chance! Can't believe I called that bleep an African American! Well, I guess I'll go kill a dawg.