The Crazy Ones s01e06 Episode Script

We can do the tango just for two Ooh I can serenade and gently play Ooh On your heartstrings, be your Valentino Just for you Ooh Ooh, love This man represents Ooh, lover boy This man represents our target demo: white male, problems in the bedroom.
He can no longer master his johnson.
Mr.
Happy's taking a nappy.
His rooster needs a booster! We get it.
It's a bummer.
But there's hope.
He takes a single Paratis and behold we now see the young man within the older man has reemerged.
Sexy, young, vibrant he is who he once was.
Ooh, oh Paratis, give your organ the choir it deserves.
Oh Yes, indeed! Do not take Paratis if you take nitrates for chest pain.
- My heart - Side effects may include headaches and upset stomach.
- Fire in the hole - In rare cases, men taking E.
D.
pills have reported a sudden decrease or loss of vision.
- Can't see a thing - or hearing.
Seek immediate medical attention for any erection lasting more than four hours.
Give a girl a break Well? I don't know about you gentlemen, but I'm as hard as a rock.
Whoa.
You heard the lady.
Let's finish her off! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh O oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh.
People, people! Paratis loved the pitch.
Sydney, your patter was perfection.
Lauren, killer smile, killer dance moves.
Andrew, way to not take focus from Zach.
And, Zach, way to play a younger version of me.
You mean, like, three years ago.
Damn, you're good.
If HR wasn't such a buzz kill, I'd sleep with you.
But that'd be sleeping with me, which I already do.
Whoa, where am I going with this? This is a little weird.
We never know.
But I know.
Guess what.
You were nominated for an Advertising Impact Award, Wow, you haven't been nominated for that since 2010.
Creative of the Year.
That's so exciting.
Who am I gonna wear? Who else is nominated? Uh, let me see.
Uh, Gary Stein, Josh Hayes, Susan Rogers, Josh Hayes.
You said him twice.
Josh and I went to high school together.
Oh Oh Oh It wasn't like that.
We barely knew each other.
Uh-huh.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, sure.
Nothing happened.
Okay, maybe I had a little crush on him.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Only from afar.
So, you never No.
But you would've.
If you had the chance Oh, yeah.
In a second.
So you're a dirty little girl.
Yes.
Wait.
What did I just say yes to? My father was nominated for an award! Oh, thank God.
No one's talked about me for a minute.
I forgot I was here.
You know, we should throw a cocktail party in his honor.
Oh, no, no, please.
I don't want to make a fuss.
Come on.
It'll be fun.
And, you know, it might be a nice gesture to the other nominees, who we should invite.
Ah Ah Paratis, little green pill for erectile dysfunction.
Go.
How 'bout this? Just because Grandma's retired, doesn't mean Grandpa gets to.
Let the only organ failure you have be your heart.
Put a little pep-pep in your pepaw's pee-pee.
Paratis, finally something old people will like as much as voting.
Hey, who rigged the erection? This old bag of bones just grew one more.
You may have forgotten where you're going, but your penis knows which way is up.
You may be 40 years' sober, but tonight you're gonna end the night with a stiff one.
Yes.
Just 'cause you guys high-five at the end of a bad pitch doesn't make it a winner.
- Are you sure? - Ohh, you know what might help us? Someone with working knowledge of this product.
Hmm, you're right.
So, what's it like? Seriously.
What's it like? I don't take Paratis.
Regularly? On an empty stomach? No, no, no, no, I've never taken Paratis.
I've never had a need to.
Boss, we know.
We're just messing with you.
I have a friend who does.
Maybe he can help us.
Ah, a friend.
Yeah.
My friend Simon.
Simon.
Simon.
You own it, boss.
No, no, he's my friend Simon Lancaster, completely different Simon.
I'll prove to you I'm not talking about myself.
I'm a partner in this firm.
I have to prove to you I can still get an erection No, no, no! No, we believe you Ah! Ah, ha-ha, wonderful, a phone.
Simon Lancaster.
It's going to voice mail.
Simon, it's Simon.
Not you, me.
Does that ever get old? It's an inside joke.
If you got a second, could you call me back and tell my coworkers about your troubles with erectile dysfunction? Thanks.
See you at group next week.
Did that prove anything? Only that he doesn't understand the rules of group therapy.
I'm not an old man, and I don't need a pill to prove it.
Or an award, for that matter.
What? Who said anything about an award? Someone brought it up.
I heard it.
And I don't care about awards.
I never have.
Awards.
Don't need that to prove my manhood.
C'est un honneur pour moi d'être nominé.
And the winner is Simon Roberts.
Whoa, whoa.
Thank you, Charlize.
Thank you.
Wow.
Creative of the Year.
Well, I'd like to dedicate this award to my daughter Sydney, who's up way past her bedtime.
Honey, you can go to bed now.
Daddy's a winner! No, come on, now.
Wait a minute.
Who have I forgotten? - Um, uh - Please.
I'd like to thank my daughter, my secret daughter, the Chilean miners, Hilary Swank's husband, my ex-wives 'cause without them I could've retired years ago.
Thank you! Go, Chicago! You're so good at accepting awards.
You must really want this.
It's not just an award.
It's something else I can pawn if I relapse.
Besides, what else am I gonna put on my shelves? Pictures of my grandkids? Like that's ever gonna happen.
I won the Junior Miss Orlando Pageant, but only because I put eyedrops in Becky Johnston's Diet Coke before the swimsuit round.
So you get it.
Well, you know, every day when I come here, I see that likeness of me on the wall and I come face-to-face with somebody I used to be.
Every now and then I want something, you know, that's a "now moment," something from me, you know? Something special, you know what I mean? Not really but I'm using context clues to figure it out.
You want to feel like you're still relevant.
Mmm.
Like you're not just part of the past but also the now.
Exactly.
Don't you wish there was a green pill for that? But you just landed a big account.
Yeah, but awards are what reminds people of that, you know? That's how you get your next big account.
Can I pitch an idea? I mean, I know I'm just an assistant You're not just an assistant.
You're a smart, powerful woman who made a teenage girl crap her bikini.
Go on.
Well, we all know how good you are.
Oh, please.
Maybe you need to remind the judges.
So if you want to win this award, campaign for it.
What do you mean? Like, take out an ad? Or a billboard placed in key locations around the city so the judges have to see it? That seems unseemly.
You love unseemly.
I do.
What have you got? Well, here's what I'm thinking.
Mm-hmm.
You as a superhero Oh, like Ad Man.
literally making an impact and all the brands you've worked on over the years are scattered outside the crater you've made.
Wow.
It's amazing, Lauren.
You've been holding out on us.
If I'm not careful, you're gonna be taking over this company.
How would I do that? Poison you? Stage a coup on Sydney, who'd be too emotionally distraught to see it coming? Keeping an eye on her.
Hey, Syd, the DJ needs to know where to set up for the Wow.
You look great.
You know, if you were a woman, I'd be very attracted to you.
First of all, you're talking to a partner.
And secondly, sure it's okay? It's perfect.
Andrew! Get in here! You are not gonna believe this.
Hey, Syd Whoa, something is different here.
Don't tell me.
Don't tell me.
Is that a new lamp? Why is it so hard for you freaks to tell me I look nice? I'm sorry.
That was meant to be a compliment.
Just my mouth wouldn't let me say it.
Fine, I know this is ridiculous.
Josh probably won't even remember me.
No, it's not ridiculous.
We all had that special person.
in high school, right? The one who got away.
Even you? No, I got them all, but I feel cheated.
Well, mine was Josh Hayes, and I was so in love with him I couldn't even look at him.
He was a total package, track star, class president, mathlete.
Oh, so you bought a snow globe that plays "Eternal Flame" to remind you of a guy you were too afraid to talk to? When I hear it out loud, it almost sounds irrational.
No, it sounds completely She's having a moment.
sweet.
In my fantasy, I'm standing at my locker and then I hear someone say my name, and when I turn around, it's Josh.
And before I can think of something witty and perfect to say, he kisses me, right there front of everyone.
And then it starts to snow, and then we start dancing just like this.
It's snowing inside your high school? It was probably asbestos.
Seriously, Syd, we're kidding.
You look awesome.
Yeah, you're gonna knock him dead.
It looks cold in there.
You'd think that snow globe guy would've given you his scarf.
Scarf? If she doesn't put out, she'll be lucky to get a ride home.
Hey-o! Why do I even share? So I'm down to one testicle.
But you know what they say, anything more than a handful's a waste! Oh, Bud, I could hear you talk about your ball all night.
Sydney, do you need me for anything? What? And take you away from Bud? Never.
How are you, Syd? Here's one for the record books, my replacement knee got cancer.
I'm just laughing 'cause I'm really uncomfortable.
This is fun! I haven't been invited to a nominee party in years.
Well, you weren't invited to this one.
'Cause I wasn't nominated! Now I'm uncomfortable.
Ooh, those sliders are calling my name.
Side effect of the meds! Bang still got it.
No, you don't.
Boy, he's got ball.
Whew.
Not the most uplifting guy but a great kisser.
Your mother and I made out with him and his wife at a key party in the '70s.
Oh, she was a trooper, boy.
Out of curiosity, have you ever left anything unsaid? No.
What are you staring at? Do you think that's me in a couple of years? Is Bud my Ghost of Christmas Future? Dad, this whole party is for you.
You're nominated for an Impact.
Yeah, 'cause I'm at the top of my game today, but what about tomorrow? We have a staff meeting.
At least I have that to live for.
You know, maybe I am the old man in the Paratis pitch.
You know, maybe I should step aside and make way for all the Zachs and the Joshes.
Is that why you're campaigning for this award? Yeah, it's stupid, right? Yes.
Yeah.
But I guess it's no more stupid than getting all dressed up for some guy who barely knew I existed in high school.
Come on, now, you look pretty.
Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
You know what? Let's just give ourselves permission to be stupid and go for it.
I'm glad you said that 'cause the bus ads have all been paid for.
A few billboards but that's as far as I've gone.
Simon, the blimp's not available.
Because the blimp wasn't available.
Sydney.
Josh.
Oh Go for it, just don't get pregnant or do.
My grandfather clock is ticking.
Hi.
Wow, you look amazing.
It's been a long time.
Yeah, how long has it been? You want the answer in years, months, days, or minutes? Was that a harbor seal? I heard horse.
So, I know you're up against my dad, but congratulations on your nomination.
Oh, thank you.
Okay, uh, don't be offended, but, uh, I need to keep a promise I made to myself 18 years ago.
Okay.
Whoa.
We can just do that now? Oh, he can.
I'm sorry.
That was the defining moment I meant to have in high school.
Yeah, that moment has actually been redefined as sexual assault.
Bye.
Would you like to dance? Yes.
I-I mean, sure, I mean, we're, we're both here, so we might as well.
Okay.
There's something about that guy I do not like.
Is it his full lips or his dreamy eyes? Okay, be honest, was that kiss weird? Because the cabdriver said it would work.
I-I have to say, this is all kind of blowing my mind.
You wanted to kiss me? I had a crush on you; you didn't even notice me.
Are you kidding me? Every time I tried to get your attention, you would run the other way one time even into a trophy case.
Yeah, that was emotionally and physically scarring.
I just thought you were a little stuck-up or something.
Me, stuck-up? I was a dork.
You, you were voted "most likely to stay awesome.
" Two years running.
Yeah, I pretty much had it all.
Except for one thing.
So, you've been spending a lot of time with this guy.
Two amazing dates and then all weekend we binge-watched Bones.
Sweetheart, I'm your father, that's TMI.
I really like Josh.
Mm.
He's smart and he's funny and a thief.
I get it, he stole your heart, but that's a little corny even for you.
The That's my How did? Oh, God.
What? I might have mentioned your ad to Josh.
There was wine and, I don't know, something about eight hours of Bones that loosens you up.
Geez, Sydney, don't make this worse.
You know what? What? I-I bet it's just a joke.
Uh-huh.
I mean, he knows we walk this way to work.
He probably bribed the bus driver to play a practical joke.
Right? Yeah.
That's what he did, he just Or not.
Excuse me, you're here to see A bastard named Josh Hayes.
Out of my way.
Why isn't this working? I ballroom danced in college.
Aah! Oh, co These were new shoes.
You betrayed me.
You stole my father's idea.
You are not at all the person that I make-believe fell in love with.
You do not deserve to be the father of Taylor and Jayden, our fictitious children who are high achievers with the ability to sleep at night without medication.
Sydney have you met the gang from Charmin? Not yet, but I believe we're pitching you next week.
We have some bold ideas, so stay tuned.
Sydney.
Just tell me one thing was any of it real? Was Bones just a lie? I mean, do you even like David Boreanaz, or was it all just a con to steal my father's idea? It was all real this week, high school.
Come on, you said an assistant came up with it.
I didn't think you were going to use it.
That doesn't give you permission to steal.
Even if I did, it's advertising.
We steal all the time and call it inspiration.
This is kind of who we are.
It's not who I am.
Syd, I am so sorry.
I actually thought you might be impressed.
There are a lot of ways to impress me, Josh.
Screwing over my father is not one of the better ones.
See you soon! See you never.
Hey, kiddo, sorry about Josh stealing your idea.
The worst part is, he got the blimp.
Not the blimp.
How does she look? Not good she really phoned in the eye shadow today.
What? Oh, you meant emotionally.
Yeah.
I think she feels as bad as her makeup.
Really? I always told her, "Make a choice" "either smoky eyes and a natural lip "or red lips and simple eyes.
You can't do both.
" Poor girl.
Whoa, hey.
This isn't over.
Ah? I called our attorneys.
We're gonna sue Josh and the agency and the bus company.
You called our attorneys? That's 75 bucks.
$150.
I've been on for 15 minutes.
Hey, Marty, bill us.
Love to the wife and girlfriend.
Hey, I'm sorry about Josh.
I just feel so silly.
At least the bag covered the bright lips, huh? I don't care what you say.
I think you can do both.
Hmm.
Dad, I really liked him.
I know, hey, hey, come on now, and it sucks when things don't turn out the way we imagined.
It's like seeing the Easter Bunny on a smoke break with his in head in one hand and a menthol in the other, going, "Happy Easter", you know.
" But okay, so maybe he's not this guy, but this guy he's still out there.
Yeah, you know what else is still out there for you? What? An Impact award.
No.
I can feel it.
You're gonna win.
Well, it would have been nice to have won, but it was an honor just to be nominated.
Take that Impact award and put it between your knees.
Okay, guys, how about a toast to Lauren and her award-winning idea? Thank you, I just wish it didn't help Josh win.
It's just more proof that it was a good idea.
Wait, and to my dad, who may not have won an Impact today but who makes an impact on all of us every day.
Bless you, piglet, when you say it like that, I don't feel like such a loser.
Loser? We got gift bags.
I don't know, they're pretty lame.
We got, uh, stickers and a sample size of Nivea hand cream.
Yeah, that's stupid.
Here, let me throw that out for you.
And I have a DVD of the first season of Tabatha Takes Over.
Here, I'll throw that out, too.
Now? Now is the perfect time.
Wait, what-what's happening? Nothing.
Nothing's happening.
Zach's just cold.
I love this song.
This is my song.
What are you doing? May I have this dance? In front of everyone? Mm-hmm.
Close your eyes Give me your hand, darling Do you feel my heart beating? Oh, God.
Do you understand? You set me up.
no talking in snow globes.
Do you feel the same? Am I only dreaming Is this burning An eternal Can I get you anything else? Flame? Nope, I got everything I need.
Darling, do you feel my heart beating? Do you understand? Do you feel the Come on now, you look pretty.
- Thank you.
- You do, you honestly do.
You look fabulous.
Don't lie to yourself.
You're a knockout.
You really are.
Just let it go.
Okay, I will do this, yes.
You look pretty, you look pretty.
Oh! Forgot it's a pub.
Ooh, don't go there, right? They're pigs in a blanket, ooh, right.
Music changes a little bit in my ear And then I get crazy.
Get it all, whoo! Run in a quick refill of confetti.
Still rolling.
Hold on, I can just get it out of my dress.
Hold on, it's in my pants.
Christopher, it breaks my heart to tell you this.
What you've got news for me? Look at you you deserve this award right now.
You're incredibly powerful.
You can open the door with your right pec.
Don't be afraid.
This nomination's yours you won it on your own.
Why did you sleep with Ernest Borgnine?