The Delivery Man (2015) s01e06 Episode Script

1 Room three.
Bound to be a boy.
Oh, let's not start this.
Unless it's a day that begins with a T-H.
Only been wrong seven times.
Which is an odd number.
Hello, yes, the editor of the Lancet? Gender is determined by room numbers.
No, no, nothing to do with chromosome pairs Hello? Well, I wouldn't want to go into labour today.
Wednesday's child is full of woe.
So you're saying that roughly one seventh of the population - is full of woe? - Yes.
Well, that's just stupid, because it's way more than that.
- Morning.
- Ah, Matthew.
Someone who'll rise above all this superstitious nonsense.
- You're in room nine.
- Mmm.
- What's wrong with room nine? - Haunted.
Oh, right.
Right, OK, listen up, everyone.
Some clown has broken into the drugs cupboard.
- How do you know? - What do you mean? Were there extra-large footprints? Traces of white face paint? - A big bucket of confetti? - This is very serious.
It's now a police matter.
So, a little bit less of your, you know stupid, childish tomfoolery.
Tomfoolery? There's something on your I'm glad they didn't break into the cake cupboard.
- Mate, this is it.
- What's it? Crime in this very hospital.
Yay! How will we celebrate? - You know what I mean.
- Sometimes.
- I'm a security guy, right? - Mm.
Well, to be honest, most of the time there isn't any insecurity.
Oh, there's plenty of insecurity, trust me.
Just out of interest, how many security guards are there? Three.
Well, good to know you've got backup.
Be safe, eh? Always use protection, mate.
With the drug thieves.
Unlikely.
I don't even know who they are.
- Lisa! Lisa! Please, wait.
- The last time you were here people thought you were a serial killer on the rampage.
I've changed.
Taken off your butcher's outfit? No, I've taken up anger management classes.
- Really? - Well, I would've, but the forms are so stupid.
They're just Sound like the same old Ryan to me.
It's not Look, listen.
OK, look, test me.
Test me.
OK, say someone drove into the back of you on the dodgems.
Would you, A) laugh, or B) get out and throw their toffee apple into the Lucky Ducks pond? - That was one time.
- She was six years old.
- She knew what she was doing! - OK, here's another one.
Are midwife and butcher equally valid as jobs? - Yes.
- For a man? No, no.
Yeah, this is the new open-minded Ryan, is it? Oh, my God.
I am! I'm open-minded, OK? But now you've brought him into it.
- Who? - The freak! What if I was to tell you that the freak had asked me out? - He hasn't, has he? - No.
But supposing he were to, one day.
Supposing he was to work out a way to do that.
I would be cool with that.
Because, one, he's not gonna manage that, and, two, you'd say no, anyway, so Would I? Enigmatic look.
- No, don't "enigmatic look" me.
- Stay where you are.
Security? Don't enigmatic look me.
Lisa! It's as clear as day.
We've got a dad in room six who's a drummer in a band, and some drugs go missing.
My cat could work it out.
You can't just accuse all drummers of taking drugs.
- Or of being thieves.
- You mark my words.
Hold on, Pat, did you say you had a cat? I do, yes.
- What colour is it? - Black and white.
And you're involved in deliveries? Every day, so what? I put it to you that you are in fact Postman Pat.
- Stupid man.
- No more stupid than you saying that because someone's a drummer they steal drugs.
Sorry.
Mr Edward, might need you to step in later.
I've got a primip in room nine.
Room nine.
Good.
By the way, we've had a large quantity of drugs stolen.
- Yes, I know.
- Interesting.
- Perhaps you did it.
- No, someone told me.
Someone told you to do it.
No, I was told it had been done by Caitlin.
Caitlin wouldn't have done it.
Don't be absurd.
Caitlin told all of us that it had happened.
Right, well, my radar tells me you are involved.
You are the type.
- I'm an ex-policeman.
- Exactly.
Emphasis on the ex.
Not suited to the police force, I hear.
Because I wanted something more fulfilling.
Translation - because I wanted my latest fix.
What? Matthew, you behave like a drug addict.
- In what way? - You mutter things people don't understand.
- Pardon? - Room nine.
Definitely on something.
So someone's just opened up a new Irish bar on Shaw Street.
Wasn't me.
No, I didn't think it was.
Um - I was just wondering - What the name means? Well, it's at number 2B on Shaw Street, and so what they've cleverly done is they've named it To Be Sure.
It's a sort of play on words, so it is.
I get it.
I get it, yes.
I mean, I was just thinking That I wouldn't be seen dead in such a place? - Well, yes, you'd be right.
- Yep.
That's That's what I was thinking.
There are other places, though.
- There are, aren't there? - Mm-hm.
- Maybe we - Hey.
Hi.
Hey.
Wow, you're Yeah, I'm just doing a bit of dusting.
Mm.
Yeah.
State of this place.
Should really get a cleaner.
- They're expensive.
- Yeah.
- So - So - Anyway - Yeah.
I should get back to the housework.
- Missed a bit.
- I miss you.
For getting the things down from the high shelf in the kitchen.
- And other stuff.
- Well, I'd better get on.
- I'll see you around.
- Bye.
- So do you know her? - Who's that? - Her, in there.
- Oh, right.
- Well? - Well, what? - You didn't introduce me.
- Yeah.
No.
Yeah.
- That That's Jess.
- Oh, yeah, Jess, great, cool.
- And? - Oh, we just shared a flat.
You know, mates.
Colleagues.
Mate! Mate! Jess is here.
Oh, proper weird that, innit? Having your ex show up.
Ooh-hoo.
He's always been obsessed by her.
Haven't you? Ah Well, good news.
Apparently she's single again.
- Whoop.
- You can bury the hatchet.
- I'd like to bury a hatchet.
- Yeah, patch things up.
- You should patch things up.
- Get out for a drink.
Yeah, you should get out for a drink.
Wait Happy annivers - Oh! Wow.
- Sorry.
- No, nice balanced stance.
- Yeah.
The training's still there.
Yeah.
So, Matthew, happy anniversary.
Thank you.
Of? Exactly one full month since you started working here.
- Is that a thing? - Yeah.
Also, coincidentally, exactly seven and a quarter weeks since my marriage disintegrated.
Ah.
Aw No, no, it's a good thing.
It's a great thing.
So I was thinking, to celebrate, tonight I've got a table at a restaurant that I Faaaaaaaaaa Cos I have that thing.
Yeah - Don't worry.
Seriously.
- Thanks.
- Another time, obviously.
- Totes.
Don't worry.
Oh, God.
Looks like that table will remain free.
Oh, what a pity.
Do you have to be sarcastic all of the time? No, not all of the time.
Because it's just "so refreshing".
Just what you need, given your job is so stressful.
My job isn't nearly as stressful as yours.
Then perhaps you do need to go out to dinner.
Perhaps we both need to go out to dinner together.
- Together, yes.
- Well, I can't wait.
No, neither can I.
I haven't told you where the restaurant is or what time I'll follow.
At a discreet distance.
Yeah, Jess and I were together for a bit.
- Oh, yeah? Cool.
How long? - About six years.
A bit? That's like World War Two.
- Imagine she's the Germans.
- So she started it? Let's just say she opened a second front.
So she had surgery? No, she She started seeing someone else.
One of the petty criminals we were investigating.
Fell in love with his fingerprints.
Well, that's quite sad.
Strange and sad.
Yeah, her and Nipper Thomas.
There's someone called Nipper Thomas? He's known to the police as Nipper Thomas.
- What's his actual name? - Nipper Brown.
So when did you last see her? Um about a year ago, we split up.
Although I did agree to make up the numbers on a double date a few months back.
Her and myself and her friend Harry, who's a girl.
So you were gonna suggest another pub? I was, yes.
And that pub was going to be The Ship.
Did some background checks.
It doesn't rely on national stereotypes and it isn't a play on words.
Ooh.
The Ship it is, then.
Wow, that's pretty high up.
Maybe it was a monkey.
Is it ever a monkey? No.
So is this what you do all day? Uh I just go where the prints lead me.
Yeah, so I hear.
So here's something else I heard in passing that's not remotely important to me whatsoever.
Our security guy Ian tells me that you're still interested in - Matthew.
- Matthew, yes, that's his name.
Well, he has his qualities.
- And his failings.
- Failings? His ridges and loops are somewhat pronounced.
But his whorls are quite a normal shape.
His holes? - Whorls.
- Holes? - Whorls! - What Holes? - "Whor", as in"whore".
"L-S"as in "Lisa".
- Whore Lisa? - I'm just trying to be helpful.
Yeah, well, maybe don't.
Mmm.
Interesting.
- What? - Very dry.
Bit loopy.
Well, that's rich.
Boop.
Oh, my God.
That is so weird.
I haven't got time, Tash.
Well, I'm not one for gossip, right? I think you're confusing yourself with someone else.
No, I'm not.
It's just really interesting.
OK, Tash, I don't care.
OK? Fine.
Well, I really like that fingerprint lady.
- The fingerprint lady? - You said you didn't care.
- Is there gossip? - What's it to you? Nothing.
Well, I wasn't listening in or anything - you know me.
But this Tess said that it was really odd being here - Jess.
It's Jess.
- Yeah.
It was really odd being here because she knew she'd come back here in six months to have a baby.
And the father of the baby - get this - works here in this hospital.
That's funny, isn't it? Funny, isn't it? Hello? Oh, my God.
I knew you weren't interested.
I'm not telling you my gossip ever again.
- Here.
- Thank you.
- Oh, Ryan.
- I'm not here to ask you back.
- So, what, you're in labour? - Shut up.
Sorry.
I'm sorry.
Um I I just wanna say that you're the best thing that's ever happened in my life and I just want you to give me a second chance.
And I'll understand it if you don't.
I just want to give you this.
OK? I'm Is it sausages? What is it? Is it a ring? No, it's a ticket from our first date.
On Stranger Tides.
- That's rubbish.
- Yeah.
Yeah, it was a rubbish, rubbish film.
But a great first date.
So what, are you gonna, like, get your money back? I can't believe he kept it.
Ha! What do you know? Wow.
Apparently 75% of women have got different breasts.
What, are they made of chocolate? No, you know, just different to each other in size.
Yeah, my right one's bigger.
Oh, opposite to me.
What about you, Pat? No, mine are both a good size.
Size doesn't matter.
It's what you do with them that counts.
I'll bear that in mind for the rest of the day.
Yeah, I haven't actually measured them, obviously.
It's just a gut feeling.
If you can feel them on your gut, then you're in big trouble.
Mine are identical, by the way.
Hello.
- Oh, that face.
- What face? That's your "I'm about to take responsibility for something that isn't necessarily my responsibility" face.
I might just have got someone pregnant.
Since we last spoke? Where is she? No.
About three months ago.
You remember the double date favour? - Is it Harry from CPS? - No.
Why would you think that? It's Jess.
- Jess? - Yeah.
Congratulations, pal.
I'm happy for you.
Chuffed to bits.
Hey, I'm gonna be um - What am I gonna be? - You're not gonna be anything.
And don't be chuffed.
It's not It's difficult.
Jess and I were great, you know, but I mean, it ended for a reason.
Now there's a baby.
A baby that needs a father.
What should I do? - About what? - About the baby! About the baby, yes! Well, you know my dad was never there for me? Yeah.
Well, I don't think you'd be that kind of dad.
I think you'd be a good kind of dad.
I wish you were my dad.
All right.
OK.
All right.
I thought this was about me? Oh, you look really nice out of your costume.
Protective coverall.
Oh, coverall.
Sorry.
Must be funny having a uniform that's essentially a paper romper suit.
I like your uniform.
- Tart.
- Excuse me? - Lemon tart looks lovely.
- Oh, yes, it is nice.
I highly recommend it.
Bit sour, though.
Bit bitter.
Better sour than wholesome and bland, though.
Ha-ha.
Better wholesome and bland than a big old slag.
Well, I think I won that one.
Whoo.
- Afternoon.
- Pain.
You all right, Prison John? Not a problem, mate.
I see it's got the address on and everything.
That's good.
Some new tattoos.
Nice.
Ahoy there.
To The Ship! What's the matter, too piratey? Um I can't come.
Wow, have you spoken to a doctor about it? I'm sorry.
There's There's um There's something I have to do.
Did the delivery go OK? No, it's not work.
OK.
Is it something to do with Jess? Yeah.
That's fine.
That's That's fine.
It was just a drink.
She is gorgeous, by the way.
Oh.
Oh, dear.
Well um - No.
No, definitely not.
- Let's not.
Let's not.
Perhaps Perhaps um another time.
Wine? I like wine.
I mean, I'll have a glass if you'd like one? Um a bottle? Lisa.
Oh, Ryan, are you still here? Lisa, I am so sorry about what I said earlier.
- About him.
- His name is Matthew.
Matthew, right.
That's it.
Look I I realise now that I was speaking out of jealousy and that I should be better than that.
- That's really mature of you.
- I can be mature.
I watched an entire episode of Downton Abbey the other night.
See, look, I miss your smile, I miss your jiggly boobs, and your, you know, bad fringe.
But OK, OK, OK.
The point is I respect Matthew for what he's doing, right? He's got a really satisfying and meaningful gob.
A what? A satisfying and meaningful gob.
Show me that.
"Satisfying and meaningful job.
" - That's what I said.
- Did Jason write this for you? Jason? Yeah, the guy from Café Nero.
Jason who reads lots of books.
OK, OK, OK.
No, no, no, but listen.
It's what's inside my brain, yeah? He just helped me write how I feel about you.
And how do you feel about me? I wanna marry you, you stupid woman.
Oh, wow, Ryan, that's just too romantic.
I can't cope.
Just give me a second chance, all right? I love you, mate.
Babe.
I'm I'm in bits without you.
Just stop it.
OK, I agree to one tiny meal.
And just as friends.
Just as friends.
Just as friends, that's fine.
Pizza.
Or whatever you want.
- Seafood it is, then.
- You know I don't like seafood.
Yes, I do.
Turned round, showed me his pants! - No! No.
- He absolutely did.
He's a tremendous arse.
A tremendous arse! Do you know, this this is so refreshing.
It is.
I don't even like white! It's red! It's red! Oh, Luke, do you know You sort of give off this air of mystery.
Why should women always get to be enigmatic? Men can be enigmatic too.
Like the Riddler.
- He's in Batman, isn't he? - Mm.
Only in one film, though.
Oh, the Riddler.
Let's go back to yours.
I've got a better idea Let's go back to mine.
To the Batcave! Oh, don't call it that ever call it that.
Were you thinking of ordering any food soon? - Oh.
- I've We had forgotten.
OK.
I found out.
- What? - The big secret.
- The drugs thief? - The baby? - Which baby? - Your baby.
- My baby? - Our baby.
- What? - I think we need to talk.
Yeah, just wait a minute.
Tess, I've got your stuff here.
Thanks, I'm coming.
Tess.
Did you say Did you just say Tess? - Yeah.
- Jess and Tess? Yeah, it's kinda cute, huh? - Mm.
- Tess, this is Matthew.
Hi! I don't know if Jess told you, my boyfriend works here.
No, she didn't actually tell me that.
So um we needed to talk about something? Our baby? Yeah.
Our baby.
I was gonna dedicate one of today's births to us.
For old times' sake.
Is that something you can do? It's becoming more common, I think.
You know, like naming a star.
Oh, yes! Yes! I didn't realise how much tension I'd built up! A lot of tension.
Look at us.
Couple of old swingers, eh? I didn't realise how much we had in common.
I'm going to tell you something, and I have never told anyone this before.
The truth will out! - I really - Yes? really like Matthew Bunting.
Oh.
Well We don't have that in common.
And I'm pretty sure that he likes me back.
Mm Yeah.
Bad marriage.
Got that in common.
- That's true.
- Mm.
Although, I will say this.
My wife is a very fine-looking woman.
- As opposed to? - You.
Obviously.
What? Caitlin? Has that put a dampener on things? Ah, Ian Hanwell.
Somebody call for hospital security? - This yours? - Yep, yep.
Prison John in the canteen asked me to post it home to his mum.
Yep.
Uses up all the old drugs bottles.
It's recycling.
Prints match those on the cupboard and canteen items.
Yeah, now you draw the threads together, I think - I might have been used.
- Prison John, Ian? Paris Hilton hasn't necessarily been to Paris! Why don't we just say I found the box and I confiscated it.
- No.
- Well As I know you, I know you're not capable of anything of anything.
- It's like Charlie's Angels.
Right, that's us all done.
Case closed.
You looking for Matthew? Case closed.
You said that already.
Do you want me to go and find him? - Uh - All right.
- So what's chicken, then? - I'd say chicken is the the seafood of meat.
Chicken is not the seafood of meat.
Seafood is the seafood of seafood.
Lisa! Wait.
I'm sorry.
I didn't wanna Can you just leave it, baby man? - What are you doing, Matthew? - Baby man? Possibly the most limp thing I've ever heard.
Oh, yeah? I can come up with way stronger than that.
Any day of the night.
OK, just keep your thesaurus in your pants, mister.
You, I thought you were off with Kylie Minogue.
I was going to have her baby, and then I wasn't.
- Decisions, decisions.
- Baby man.
- That's still not working.
- I don't think this is working.
- What do you mean? - For all his flaws, at least Ryan knows what he wants.
Pizza.
Or whatever you want.
We solved it, mate.
Some bloke in the canteen called Pris called John.
Actually I spotted him first.
He had loads of stolen medicine.
- Pint? - Oh, no, way more than that.
Come on.
Hey, is one of your bollocks bigger than the other? Ant's a little bit bigger than Dec.
- Uh-huh.
- The one on the left.
Yeah, standard.
I'm the other way round.
- Really? - Mm.
Dec bigger than Ant? Unheard of.