The Drew Carey Show (1995) s01e06 Episode Script

So, um, how are things
down at the warehouse?
Slow. Oh, nothin' like what's
happenin' up in management, huh?
All everybody talks about
is that creep
who's gettin' sued
for that sexist cartoon.
[chuckling]
Well, I don't know
if I'd call him a creep.
You know, it's just a little
cartoon of a caterpillar
tryin' to do it
with a French fry.
You know, make love
to a French fry.
You from management?
- What makes you say that?
- You're wearin' a suit.
Oh, this.. Uh, this is just
for product testing.
Try and light me on fire.
Well, it's about time somebody
nailed one of those big shots
for sexual harassment.
Actually, it's
a hostile workplace lawsuit.
You know,
harassment is different.
- Ha!
- But every bit as bad.
In some cases worse.
Most cases. All.
Let me tell you one thing
about this harassment guy.
If I ever found out who he was
I'd show him
a hostile workplace.
If he ever laid a hand on me
I'd rip his arm out
from his socket
and I'd beat him
over the head with it!
I'd grab him by the spuds,
flip him upside down
and use his tater tots
as a carrying hand.
Yeah.
Boy, I'd, I'd yell at him.
That's for sure.
Hey! Watch where
you're goin', buddy!
Boy! Typical male driver, huh?
You know what they say,
if you have a big you-know-what
you don't need a Porsche.
[laughing]
[theme song]
Moon over Parma ♪
Bring my love to me tonight ♪
Guide her to Cleveland
underneath your silvery light ♪
We're going bowlin'
so don't lose her in Solon ♪
Moon over Parma tonight ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Let me tell you. I've talked
to a lot of employees.
- And everyone's on your side.
- Really, you think so?
- Yeah.
- I hope you're fried, Drew.
Aw. She called me Drew.
Haven't had
my morning coffee yet.
Ah. Hey, dirt bag,
you got visitors.
Mr. Carey.
You can't prove that.
We're from the law firm
of Fenn and Geller.
My name is Archibald Fenn.
This is my partner Geller.
And we are here to represent you
an important and valuable member
of the Winfred-Louder family.
Wow! Finally!
Well, you better do a good job
for this guy
'cause let me tell you something
this case is ludicrous!
Drew is the last person
to create
a hostile working environment
for women.
Thanks, Kate.
I mean, he's the guy that
all women want as their friend.
- Thank you, Kate.
- Yeah. And you know why?
Because he's completely
non-sexual.
He's virtually a eunuch.
He hardly dates.
- You can ask anyone!
- And thank you, Kate.
I'm sorry. You must get a lot
of these nuisance lawsuits, huh?
Brother, you wouldn't believe
what we have to deal with.
Okay, so maybe
putting the tour department
right next to cutlery
was not such a good idea.
But I said,
"Parental responsibility."
And thank God, the court agreed.
We got no problems.
We got every trick in the book.
We used to be
personal-injury lawyers.
Oh..
Wow! Uh, you know, you might
wanna put somethin' on that.
He's fine. Uh..
Can we plunge right
into you and your case, please?
Alright. I read the complaints.
And in all honesty, yes,
I did distribute the cartoon
as well as hang it up,
but it was totally harmless.
Now, Mr. Carey,
we appreciate your candor.
Is, uh, is this the cartoon?
Yes, it is.
[laughing]
And you think that's funny?
Well, you know, it's not, uh,
"Ha-ha, it's mature funny"
but, you know, it's funny.
Where did you get it?
Direct pressure. Could you?
I'm reading. Could you, please?
That cartoon was faxed to me.
So you don't read, uh,
smut magazines?
- No.
- Oh, come on, Mr. Carey.
We're all grownups here.
"Playboy," "Penthouse"
old Carly Simon album covers?
You know, look, all I did
was Xerox the cartoon
as part of the memo
to liven it up.
And who told you
this memo needed livenin'?
That order came directly
from the White House.
I wouldn't be kiddin' around
if I were you, Mr. Carey
'cause from what I'm hearing,
you committed
this act of your own volition
without the explicit
or even tacit approval
of Winfred-Louder.
Is that correct, Mr. Drew Carey?
Hey, wait a minute! I thought
you guys were on my side.
Sides? Maybe there are no sides.
Maybe this problem is round.
- Sign right there.
- Well, w-what is this? What's..
Just says that
we're representing you, and that
you agree to settle
out of court.
Well, listen, I, I really
can't sign this, you know
without a second opinion, and
besides, I'm-I'm left-handed..
Look, i-if I sign this, isn't
that an admission to guilt?
I mean.. Hey, what about
my First Amendment rights?
[laughing]
The first thing they start
screaming, "First Amendment
First Amendment,"
like a bunch of mewling babies.
Listen, you don't agree
to settle out of court
we can't be responsible
for what happens to you.
Understand, cartoon boy?
I understand
that sounds like a threat!
Now, listen, when we first
started this conversation
you said we were one big happy
Winfred-Louder family.
Now it's more like
we're the Donner family
and I just pulled up lame.
Listen, if I don't settle,
can I be fired?
No. Not exactly.
Oh, well, then get the hell
out of here, both of you.
I'll get my own lawyer.
One who clots.
[instrumental music]
I can't believe
in the entire city of Cleveland
there isn't one lawyer with the
guts to list his phone number.
The spineless bastards.
Have you tried looking
under attorneys?
Wow!
There are thousands of 'em!
Everything from
Abrahams to Zambetti!
Have you tried talking
to this woman who's suin' you?
She won't return my calls.
She won't even meet with me.
This is totally out of control.
Then why don't you just go along
with the company's lawyers
and settle?
What? And give in?
I'm tired of giving in.
I give in every day of my life.
I give in to my boss,
I give in to my neighbors.
I even give in and buy American.
And when that breaks,
I buy American again.
But I am not giving in
on this one.
Oswald, give me the name
of a lawyer.
I'll call the first one
you pick.
Here's one
as seen on "60 minutes."
Oh, this is crazy.
I have no way of knowing
which lawyer is any good.
Kate, didn't you go out
with a lawyer once?
You mean, Brad,
the guy I met on that blind date
who kept calling and calling
forever? Don't remind me.
Why, what happened?
Well, he had to be first
in everything.
He had to be first in law
school, first to pass the Bar
and in bed, another first.
Hey, you have something
in common with the lawyer.
[chuckles]
You know, Kate,
that's all in the past.
Why don't you be an adult
and call him?
- No.
- Do it or I won't stop this.
Do it or I won't stop this.
Do it or I won't stop this--
Forget it. No!
Okay, this is how
the phone call goes.
Hi, Brad.
I have a friend.
She's in trouble
and she's really cute.
We get him to the bar
and I'll take it from there.
Drew, he's so obnoxious.
More obnoxious than this?
More obnoxious than this?
More obnoxious than this--
Drew, why can't you hire
a decent lawyer
like anyone else?
Oh, yeah, lemme just
get the money from my wall safe
behind the Monet over..
Oh, my God, the Monet is gone!
Alright, alright, I'll do it.
I don't wanna do it,
but I will do it.
I'm just tired of the nagging.
Wow, I just flashbacked
to my prom night.
[knocking on door]
(Peaches)
'Help! Please come out! Help!'
Peaches, what is it?
Your door was locked.
Well, hey, look,
just 'cause you're my neighbor
doesn't mean you just come over
here any time you want.
Okay, I didn't have time to bake
you anything today, so I brought
you this from
the silk screen place I work at.
They say they're misprints.
Of course it's a misprint.
The arrow was supposed to point
to somebody else.
Ah. Oh!
Well, that'd be funny, too.
Look, Peaches,
I'm sorry I'm such a bad mood
but, you know,
I'm being sued so..
Sued? For what?
Some woman at work said
I sexually harassed her.
Wanna show me
where you touched her?
I didn't touch her.
So show me
where you would've touched her.
I think it was somewhere
in the living room.
You check the yard.
Hey, guys.
What are you doing?
Watching everything Darwin said
go right out the window.
Brad says he'll meet you at
the Warsaw only if I come along.
Oh, great! Oh.
I'd love to have you along,
Peaches, but, you know
my car only holds four.
Oh, come on, Drew.
There's always room for
another lovely lady in the car.
Wow, you almost sound like
you're singin' when you talk.
You should hear me sing.
It almost sounds like
I'm talking.
You should hear me throw up.
It almost sounds like
Handel's "Water Music."
[instrumental music]
Thanks.
Man, I hope this lawyer you know
works out.
Well, do you remember
that poor old lady
that got coffee
spilled all over her?
- Yeah.
- He got her sent to prison.
- Hey, everybody, watch.
- Okay, ahem.
This is the test of
the emergency broadcast system.
[water glass music]
This is only a test.
Here's to us, Oswald.
- You're an amazing man.
- Yeah.
Whoa! My back teeth
are floatin'.
Time to go powder my nose.
[chuckles]
Call me crazy, but now that
I'm getting to know Peaches
there is something
downright appealing about her.
She doesn't play
those sophisticated mind games
like a lot of women do.
You're right, she's more of a
Chutes And Ladders type of girl.
Oh, come on.
I'm not trying to rain
on anybody's parade here
but I can't believe
you're fallin' for this.
Falling for what?
Buddy, wake up
and smell the coffee.
She's tunneling through you
to get to me.
Drew, you're jealous.
Jealous, over a woman who
gets her daily iron from dirt?
Good, then you wouldn't mind if
I take Peaches out
for a bite to eat.
Pfft, fine. Yeah.
I mind so much, I'll even pay
for it. Here, here's ten bucks.
Oh, wait a minute. Here's 11.
Supersize it.
Thanks, buddy.
Oh..
Brad! Brad, over here.
Kate. Great to see you.
- Drew Carey.
- It is so crazy you called.
So, where's you cute girlfriend?
- Well, um..
- Hi.
Whatever doctor did this to you
we'll get you so much money.
I'm sorry, but Kate figured we
had to lie to get you down here.
Well, you know, that is just
the kind of thing that
makes me glad I dumped you.
You dumped me? I dumped you!
- No, no, no, I dumped you--
- Uh, Brad, buddy.
Save the fight
for the courtroom, pal.
[chuckles]
Okay.
I broke up with you first.
So Kate tells me that you've put
up a tasteless cartoon at work.
Uh, allegedly tasteless.
[scoffs]
Yeah, well, if you're so smart
then you'd probably know
that there was a case
very similar to this.
Bartlet versus Apex Glass.
And the judge dismissed it
with prejudice.
Yeah, we may have precedent.
- Precedent with prejudice. Wow.
- Hm.
Listen, uh, Brad, buddy,
I know this, uh, kind of advice
doesn't come cheap and, well,
I don't have that kind of money.
Maybe you two
could work something out.
Yeah. How about 10,000
easy payments of a dollar?
Ah, don't worry, I'm willing
to take this case pro-bono if..
Kate's willing
to go on a date with me.
Hold on.
I can't ask Kate
to go out to a lovely dinner
with this fine young
lion of an attorney
who drives, uh..
What do you drive?
- Cadillac.
- Cadillac.
I mean, to make this one tiny,
miserable, insignificant
little sacrifice for her best
friend in the whole wide world?
- Convertible.
- Convertible.
I'll tell you what?
We'll talk about it.
Oh, why don't we talk about it
up at the bar?
You know,
I am so sorry I dumped you.
Man, I can't believe it,
I'm getting a free lawyer
and I finally got Peaches
out of my hair.
You know the difference
between you and me, Norton?
I always land on my feet.
Don't do this, Drew.
I can feel it, man.
You're temptin' fate.
Fate, ha! I laugh at fate.
Hey, fate, right here,
take your best shot.
Come on, I dare ya.
Argh! Get your tongue off me,
you creep!
- 'What?'
- How about two out of three?
And keep it off!
Fine, then to hell
with your friend, too!
Without me, he's goin' down!
What happened to my lawyer?
He had precedent with prejudice.
What was I supposed to do?
He licked my shoulder.
Oh, maybe he needed salt.
I'd love to help you,
but anything but that.
- Oh.
- Well, I'm sorry, Kate.
I shouldn't have put you
in that position.
Hey, maybe
prison won't be so bad.
Yeah. You get
plenty of time to read.
You get to work out
all the time.
You get
three square meals a day.
Yeah. Why, it'll be
just like a spa.
Except the big muscle-y guy
who rubs your back
also lives with you.
[instrumental music]
Excuse me. Is the legal aid
society around here anywhere?
You a nark?
Hey, maybe I just
like my hair like this, okay?
I'm sorry, man.
Yeah, I'm the lawyer.
Look, I'm not here to bust you.
So you can
exhale now, okay, buddy?
[door shuts]
Look, the reason I'm here
is because this woman at work
is suing me for puttin' up this
you know,
supposedly offensive cartoon.
Well, it's, uh,
it's not offensive
and it's definitely not funny
because I'm not laughing
and, uh, I'm an easy audience
right now.
What's your, um, annual salary?
- Why?
- Uh..
Because we only
represent the little guy
who's being driven down
by the forces of capitalism
and stripped of his soul
by the giant mega-conglomerates.
Oh, brother, if you ever need
a poster boy.. Phew!
And, uh, you have
an annual salary of?
You know, 26,000, roughly.
Oh, sorry, man, you, uh,
you make too much money.
What? You tell my mom that.
Come on, man, you gotta
represent me, I've been all
over town, I don't have
the bucks for a regular lawyer.
You just got done tellin' me
you represent the underdog.
Well, no,
we work for the little guy.
Uh, unfortunately at 26,000,
you're the medium guy.
Come on, I'm the little guy.
Well, fine,
if you're the little guy
then we only represent
the tiny guy.
Twenty-four-thousand and under.
Please, you're my last chance.
If you don't represent me,
I could be fired!
Well, if you're fired,
then we can represent you.
But if you don't represent me,
I could befired.
Well, if you're fired,
then we can..
Whoa, man, that was cool.
[instrumental music]
[rain pattering]
If you won't come inside
will you at least
take this umbrella?
Come on, leave me alone. My cue
ball's stuck in the undertow.
Look, Drew,
we just wanted you to know that
if you choose to settle,
then we, your good friends
still know that
you are a man of principle.
Yeah, but I'd know I wasn't.
You know, this stinks.
I can't afford
a long court battle
and I'm too rich
to get free help?
Ah, yes, I've fallen through
the cracks in the system.
I might as well just lie here
with my mouth open and drown.
I'm gonna do it.
Drew!
Guys, could I talk
to Drew alone for a minute?
Drew, is that okay?
Okay, we'll, we'll be inside.
If you need us, just signal us
with your blowhole.
You okay, Drew?
Yeah, sure.
You know, Peaches, I'm really
happy for you and Oswald.
Your parents must be proud
of you, you know
dating outside the family
and everything.
Well, that's kind of
what I came over to talk about.
Oswald and me, it's over.
I'd like you
to give him this letter.
Wait! This must be a mistake.
You and Oswald
are made for each other.
You bagged yourself a 12-point.
Or whatever it is
you Appalachian Americans say.
I don't want
no trophy boyfriend.
Besides, I'm lookin'
for something more prominent.
Oh, man, that's the same
kiss-off Oswald got
from the last six women he
dated. This is gonna crush him.
Anyway, you're the one
for me, Drew.
My psychic friend told me so.
Oh, man, she's still
on the lawn.I gotta go.
Oh, almost forgot.
Daddy accidentally grabbed
your paper this morning.
Remember, Drew, you can run,
but you can't hide.
- Was that Peaches?
- Uh, yeah.
- She just brought me my paper.
- I'm gonna go say hi.
Hey, listen, Oswald,
uh, we need to talk.
- About what, buddy?
- Uh, it's about Peaches.
You know, um, since you guys
started getting interested
in each other, I'm
I'm not as sure exactly
how I feel about her and..
Oh, you know, you're,
you're so good-lookin'
and you have that great voice
and everything.
You want me to back off?
Well, yeah. I mean,
I don't want her to know why.
It would really mean
a lot to me and..
You get so many women,
you-you lucky dog.
Oh, man, I thought you weren't
interested in Peaches.
I, I should have known you can't
afford to throw anything back.
Thanks, Oswald, uh,
I hope someday in the future
I'm able to explain to you what
a truly special moment this was.
Oh. Don't sweat it.
And listen,
about this whole lawsuit thing
if you lose and they take
everything away from you
you're welcome
to whatever I've got.
What have you got?
Rhythm.
[instrumental music]
Hey, uh, what the hell's
goin' on here?
Oh, we got a work order
to put in a skylight.
Skylight? That's not a roof
above me, that's Accounting.
Alright. A vent.
Wait a minute,
this is on purpose
just to cover up my cartoon.
Oh, look who's here,
the early settlers.
Drew, the corporation
has got to protect itself.
Come on, be a team player.
Sign the papers.
Somebody just found a way
to get water
into the new
Baven blow hair-dryer
and we're gonna be
up to our elbows
in people with skin grafts.
[chuckling]
Up to their elbows.
I'm not signin'.
If you go to court,
you will lose.
You wanna make a federal case
out of this?
Look, it already is. Now
I'll tell you somethin' else.
For seven years I worked
in this cramped little cubicle
where the lighting sucks!
Uh, bustin' my hump
for a company
that won't even back me up
when I'm right.
So if I'm the only one
that's gonna stand up and say
"Hey, it's just
a stupid little cartoon"
that's my own stupid choice
and I'll take my
own stupid consequences.
No lawyer in his right mind
will take this case.
That's the other stupid thing.
I'm gonna represent myself.
Now, if you gentlemen
will excuse me..
Hello, Peaches,
this is your psychic friend.
Yes, I knew
you were about to call me.
That's why I called you.
You see, I'm psychic.
In fact, I can tell you
what you are wearing right now.
- You are wearing, uh..
- Curlers.
Curlers.
And you are also wearing..
curlers.
Anyway, uh, let me tell you
why I called you.
I sense danger for you.
There is a man in your life.
A handsome man,
crew cut, glasses
a little portly,
but it works for him.
Listen to me
and you must listen carefully.
He's trouble. Stay away.
Also, while I have you
on the line
it is imperative
that you mow your lawn.
Don't ask why, just do it.
The fates have decreed it.
And make sure
you bag it this time.
Drew! Drew,
I gotta use your phone.
Yeah, Peaches, it's me.
Yeah. You can come over.
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]