The Duchess (2020) s01e06 Episode Script

I already feel ♪
Like doing it again, honey ♪
I just want to stay high ♪
I just wanna stay high ♪
I just wanna stay high ♪
With you ♪
[Olive] Oh, my gosh, Mum, look at this!
[man] And coming through
to the master bedroom.
It's south-facing.
Is it just the three of you?
For now.
Oh, cool. There's a half-bedroom next door
that'd make a perfect little nursery.
Or a study.
Or a glam room.
Or a pet room or a panic room.
Is it always this hot?
Mum, it's got the best loo I've ever seen!
I would have two sinks.
Oh, those are his-and-hers sinks.
But I'd make them gender-neutral.
What makes you think
you're getting the master bedroom?
'Cause I got here first and I called it.
Well, where will Evan and I sleep?
Separately. Come on, Evan.
Let's find you a room.
[Olive] This is the one.
[Evan] Wow, perfect.
It's got no windows,
so I can sleep in on the weekends.
- Cozy.
- Loads of places to plug in your phone.
- This is a utility room.
- Is this where you want me to sleep?
That's completely up to you,
but I think it ticks all your boxes.
That's what I'm hearing.
Is this the bedroom you had in mind, Evan?
No, I imagined it to be blue.
But otherwise it's not far off.
Yeah, it's a beautiful house.
And if you're expanding your family,
this neighborhood is full of older mums.
[Bev] You are not seriously
thinking about keeping it?
My Papa Don't Preach window is closed.
Look at me.
I'm not sure I could line up
next to a bunch of teenagers
and ask for an abortion
with a straight face.
Will you tell Evan what's happened?
We just put an offer on a house.
Not ideal timing for, "Oh, sorry, babe.
I can't help lift boxes
while I'm still deciding
whether or not to stay pregnant by my ex."
You sure it wasn't a false positive?
I took three pregnancy tests this morning.
Well, you got what you wanted.
Both your kids have got the same dad.
You're in a happy relationship with Evan.
Evan proved me wrong.
Evan is a hero who swooped in
when I needed him the most.
I love him more than ever.
I wanna have his babies.
Plus, I'm hardly even pregnant.
It's just cells.
So, ethically,
it'll be like chopping down a tree.
A tree?
'Cause a tree is like
alive, but is it?
Listen.
The doctor said that it was gonna be tough
for you to conceive,
so this might be like a miracle.
What if the miracle
is that I snapped out of a bad decision
before it added 18 years
to my Shep sentence?
Couldn't you just tell Evan that it's his,
then have, like, ten more,
like Eddie Murphy?
By then, it's not even news, is it?
It's just admin.
Paternity fraud! No.
Plus he'd figure it out
when the baby insisted on cutting
its own umbilical cord
'cause it didn't believe
in Western medicine.
Olive needs this baby.
So what do I do?
I didn't need a baby. This whole time,
I needed a fucking therapist.
Bev, why would I double down
on the stupidest shit I've ever done?
[Olive] I know you said no makeup
for the wedding,
but I found a YouTube tutorial
that showed me how to do this.
Is it okay?
[Bev] Oh, babes.
Was it a Drag Race challenge
you were watching?
[Celtic rock music plays]
[Shep] Hey!
- Look whose wedding it is!
- [cheers and chatter]
All right! How's it going?
Ladies! Whoa-oh-oh!
[laughs] Gorgeous.
Go on, give us a twirl.
Ooh, yeah!
Lads, great to see ya! Come on in.
How's it going? You're very welcome.
Let's get a photo!
Yeah!
You know it! You know it!
Oh, yeah, give us one of them.
Have a good time, guys. Let's get wrecked!
[classical music plays]
Well, I've just won the award for the man
with the two most beautiful escorts.
- Christ, do I sound like Hugh Hefner?
- I draw the line at calling you Daddy.
I mean, um
[hesitates] You know what I mean.
[Evan] Ooh, proper stuff.
Well, here's to Cheryl
and the end of Shep's home-brew cider
Cheers.
Oh, your nose is bleeding.
Oh, that's weird. Um
Never usually happens.
I guess it's 'cause I'm at this shitshow
wedding and I'm stressed about the house.
Hey, don't be. It's a buyer's market.
If you don't wanna be here,
I can bring the car around.
- [scoffs] If only.
- [sighs] Yeah.
Olive, let's go find your dad.
He'll be excited to see you.
I don't blame him.
I'd be excited to see me, too.
I look completely fire.
[Evan laughs]
[Shep laughs]
[Olive] Daddy!
[soulful music plays]
Daddy!
I've never been religious ♪
Instead, my mama showered me in kisses ♪
Thirteen with a big dream ♪
And Daddy said I could be anything ♪
[Shep chuckles]
[Evan] What's Jane doing here?
Millie met up with Olive at Cheryl's,
and you know Jane.
She won't rest until she's friends
with every living person on Earth.
- Hey.
- Hi.
That right there is a sickness ♪
Keep it to yourself ♪
Mother and Father ♪
I wanna make you proud ♪
Brothers and sisters ♪
Holy fudge.
All right. Bye.
Katherine's been drinking alcohol
all afternoon.
Oh, man, staying sober at weddings
must be tough for you.
Oh, sobriety's not tough for me.
It's a gift!
Now, I did have a tipple here and there
during my pregnancy
and, thankfully, it did Millie no harm,
but she shouldn't take chances.
What you on about?
Flush cheeks, swollen face,
fuller breasts.
Katherine's pregnant.
And I found three positive tests
when I was sorting through the recycling
for her earlier.
Are you phone hacking as well?
She's not.
Aha!
She's told you, hasn't she?
Jane, I swear to God,
you don't wanna go near this one.
But I owe it to my friend
to offer my hand in sobriety.
- I mean, she's obviously got a problem.
- Well, you're not wrong there.
Oh.
It's Shep's baby, isn't it?
Whatever you think you know
no one actually needs to know.
Clear?
[girls giggle]
My mum says
that he's Cheryl's cousin's son.
And he's the ring bearer.
And his dad once used
a company credit card to buy a hot tub
and he got in trouble.
How does your mum know that?
My mum knows everything about everybody.
- Well, I'm going to marry him.
- Ooh!
- [sing-song] Olive has a boyfriend!
- Stop that.
My mum told me another secret.
But I shouldn't say.
- Go on, tell me.
- I'm not allowed.
But if you blow him a kiss
I'll tell you.
[they giggle]
Hey, Even!
Well, isn't this all very mature?
Congratulations, Shep.
I'm just surprised to see you
participating in this cultural institution
recognized by both church and state.
How dare you?
Christianity is a facade
used by conservatives
to pursue their global ambitions,
and my marriage to Cheryl is for love.
It's a beautiful thing.
It's just cool to know that a marriage
license is a public government record.
- What?
- You're back on the grid.
Congratulations, dipshit.
Being in the middle of you two
gives me the same feeling as walking in
on my grandmother on the toilet.
[she laughs]
[glasses clink]
[harmonizing]
Ladies and gentlemen,
but especially the ladies
Hey, girls ♪
[cheers and applause]
The ceremony's about to begin.
That's no disrespect to his baby's mother.
I've been told she's here,
and that's a bit pathetic.
- And it's a bit awkward.
- It's fine, Gareth.
Oh, hey, Kath.
I hope this day
brings you the closure you need, babe.
I'm here with my boyfriend, moron.
Okay.
Let's take this party inside, yeah?
[cheers and applause]
Are you sure
you wouldn't rather wait in the car?
I've got half a can of lemonade,
a packet of crisps?
No! These are the things
I have to do for my family.
It can't always be like this, with us
living together, you pulling us away.
- Not at all! I just hate confrontation.
- [Bev] Katherine!
- Oi!
- Oh, can you give me a minute?
Have an hour.
I've got heaps of friends here,
so it's gonna be fine.
[quietly] Listen,
we've got a slight situation. Jane knows.
Jane knows?
Oh, fuck. How?
[groans] Jane with information
is like the sea receding before a tsunami.
We've got about 30 minutes to get Evan
off the coastline before she crashes.
She loves it.
You've gotta get him out of here.
Thanks.
["Somewhere Over The Rainbow" plays]
[music ends]
[pop music begins]
Tru-Sé in the house!
The comeback is real!
Let's go!
For one night only, Shep and Cheryl.
Tru-Sé, one time!
[raps] Baby, when I saw you
Queuing in that white jumpsuit ♪
Girl, I knew you were an angel ♪
Supernatural, not religious ♪
Comin' into my life
You give me love and understanding ♪
Guess what, baby?
You're my soulmate ♪
Right now, I'mma make you my wife
Wife! ♪
[sings] I was feeling so lost
And lonely ♪
In the corner with nobody to hold me ♪
Until you came into my life
And showed me ♪
What true love can be ♪
Girl, I knew it
From the moment I saw ya ♪
All I wanna do is everything for ya ♪
I never really knew love
Before you gave it all to me ♪
I was caught in the middle ♪
Between never and forever ♪
But you made it all better
With one touch ♪
I was falling apart ♪
This is one of the worst things
I've ever seen.
Yeah. But look how much
Olive's enjoying it.
Till you gave me your good, good love ♪
Your good, good love ♪
Stay here right by my side ♪
Stay every day and every night ♪
Until you give me your good, good love ♪
Your good, good love ♪
[cheers and applause]
[whistles and applause]
[Cheryl laughs]
[applause continues]
[joyful music plays]
This will be ♪
Everlasting love ♪
- [applause and cheers]
- Shep Knight, my knight!
[mouths]
[cheers and applause continue]
[mouths]
[mouths]
[Olive] Mum!
There you are!
Oh, you did so well, I
You're having my baby sister?
Well, we discussed
that I would try to have a baby.
And now you're pregnant.
How do you know that?
I know people, Mum. They tell me things.
- Jane!
- Why didn't you tell me first?
- Olive, I only just found out.
- Well, I'm so happy.
We're finally getting everything
we wanted.
You, me and our baby.
[sighs]
You're right.
It is what we wanted.
Our baby.
I'm excited, too.
Now I'll have someone to look after you
in your fifties.
In my what? Olive, my fifties?
Fifty's like 20, but with money.
[Shep] Ladies and gentlemen,
look what Shep got!
[cheers and applause]
All you people, can't you see
Can't you see ♪
How your love's affecting our reality? ♪
Every time we're down
You can make it right ♪
And that makes you larger than life ♪
All right ♪
Lookin' at the crowd
And I see your body sway, come on ♪
[Cheryl whoops]
[Shep cheers]
[crowd cheer]
Wishin' I could thank you
In a different way ♪
- [chatter]
- [faint pop music plays]
[Shep] Oi, you.
What's going on over there?
Well, despite my best efforts, it appears
your daughter's heteronormative.
- What do you want?
- I want the abolishment
of the UK firearms regulations
and the monarchy,
new episodes of MASH
Shut up! Shut up! Why are you
addressing me now in this moment?
I leave for Zimbabwe tomorrow.
Dressed as a rhino?
With CherBear. We're gonna see the Falls.
I bet you £100 you can't go over them
in a barrel without dying.
[scoffs] You're on.
Listen, it's a 32-day trip
and I'm waiting to tell Olive,
to avoid a big dramatic scene
or, you know, she'll be in hysterics.
She doesn't give a shit about us
or our whereabouts these days.
Well, she's gonna take it pretty bad.
I'm gonna call her every day
and make absolutely sure
[shouts] Olive!
Your dad's leaving for a month.
- Okay, get me a present!
- [Katherine] See?
Shit. I wasn't expecting that.
How do you think I feel?
Like a fat slag?
- Evan and I are buying a house.
- What, in Amityville?
Sheppy, there you are! Katherine!
I've been dying to find you
to explain why I haven't got a delivery.
Don't worry about that, Cheryl.
Obviously, it's my wedding day
so I had to swallow it.
Seven years bad luck, otherwise.
Not a superstition that exists. Guys
mainly Cheryl
thank you so much for all your help,
I really appreciate it,
but Evan and I are gonna give things
a proper go as a family.
Oh, my God, that's amazing!
Congratulations.
He's gorgeous. Can I give you some advice
as a married woman?
No.
Honesty is the key
to a Tru-Sé relationship.
Sheppy and I, we laid out all our flaws,
we confessed to all our mistakes
and we wholeheartedly
accepted one another.
Thanks for the advice.
Congratulations, Cheryl.
- [Cheryl] Thank you.
- Not you.
Peace. Come on, babe.
God! Jane, from up there,
I saw Millie sneaking some vodka.
What? Millie!
Sorry, this is the wrong place
and the wrong time,
but I didn't want you to hear it
from Jane. Okay
I need to tell you something
and it's huge.
And I'm gonna be fully honest,
from now on.
I love you and I want to be a family.
Me too.
But before we got back together
I got pregnant.
Am pregnant, by Shep.
I don't want any more secrets between us.
- Shep?
- [cheering]
Shep?
- Shep? [hesitates]
- I'm sorry.
I was gonna tell you,
but I didn't wanna ruin the night,
and Olive's so happy.
Do I feature in your list of people you
were morally obliged to discuss this with,
or do I lose out to the dogs?
This happened
when I thought you weren't coming back.
Evan, people are complicated,
they screw up.
And if you love each other enough, then
you can work on this stuff, as a couple.
A couple is two, not one.
I never get a say in this relationship.
And you don't get to file this
under screwing up.
That's for people
who forget an anniversary, not
Not for people who conceal a baby.
I feel really badly about it, though.
Do you? Yeah, well, so do I.
We should go.
[upbeat music plays]
[Shep] Whoa. [grunts]
- [balloons pop]
- [music stops]
[crowd murmurs]
What sort of a dentist
punches a fella in the teeth? Jesus!
[Evan] Get up.
I know a guy who can fix 'em.
- Uh, Olive, Olive, your dad is just
- Your dad's a bad person.
Evan!
No more lying, right?
Your dad hurt your mother a lot.
And, whatever he did,
he broke something inside of her head.
- No, he didn't.
- They hate each other!
Don't you?
Tell her! They pretend,
but your mum can't stand your dad,
because he's a loser
who forgets your birthday.
[crowd murmurs]
[Evan] Go on, tell her.
Olive. I was wrong if I ever made you
believe that your dad or I was perfect.
We love you a lot, but we respect you too.
- Okay?
- Okay.
That's why I'm telling you honestly
Dr. Evan is a dickhead.
He is?
Yeah.
You don't decide what we tell her.
We're her parents, not you.
I've done some fucked-up stuff to you.
By accident.
But you just hurt my child on purpose!
And so you truly need to fuck off.
Congratulations, Katherine, you
You got your chaos back.
Sorry, Olive.
[Cheryl] Excuse me, what's going on?
- What was that all about?
- Mum's pregnant.
And I'm guessing that you're on the ground
because you're the baby's dad.
Are you all right, babes?
Ah, sure. Where I come from,
it's tradition to get punched in the face
on your wedding day. I'm grand. [grunts]
[Cheryl] Better than grand, darlin'.
You're gonna have a baby.
[gasps]
Congratulations, we did it!
Shepherd Knight, super sperm!
- [applause and cheers]
- [upbeat music resumes]
Okay?
Sorry.
You gotta gimme
just a little of your love ♪
Gimme just a little of your love ♪
[Shep sighs happily]
[music continues]
I never felt nothing like that ♪
Looking at you looking right back ♪
You say nothing is ever
As good as it seems ♪
Stop running your mouth like that ♪
'Cause you know
I'm gonna give it right back ♪
You're so close now ♪
So don't let me down ♪
So don't let me down ♪
[gentle music plays]
Excuse me.
Sorry if anyone feels like I did anything
to take attention away from the wedding.
I wanna dedicate this song
to my best friend, Olive.
We don't even talk anymore ♪
- Don't even know what we argue about ♪
- See what I have to put up with?
- Makes everything about herself.
- Shh.
Ooh ♪
I breastfed you in a toilet, girl ♪
Until you were three or four ♪
Too long to be breastfeeding
In this country, I know ♪
But I don't care ♪
You sleep in my bed every night ♪
And I love coming home
To your sweet smile, baby ♪
Because I love you, yeah, yeah ♪
[sniffs]
[voice breaks] I love you!
That was your mum?
She's slept in my room too long.
Time to move her out.
How about Merica?
Like America? Uh-uh.
- Seandré?
- No.
Do you like Kila?
I like tequila.
Duchess.
Ugh, you and your dad need to swear off
naming anything, forever.
Hey! Duchess is a brilliant,
creative name.
I can't help that I'm an artist.
- I thought you wanted to be an architect?
- That is art, Mum.
Well, art and science,
and [conversation fades]
[electro-pop music plays]
[woman] What a lovely surprise.
- Yeah, it was.
- [Shep] All right.
- Oh!
- Got all the basics here.
Chili dog, extra cheese,
milk, full-fat,
three bananas, bacon sandwich,
and a strawberry jelly.
Uh, excuse me.
Strawberry jellies are for patients.
- Where did you get those?
- It's all right, I'm the father.
I mean, the father of that baby.
This baby, yeah, and that baby.
Oh, and the other girl that's in there.
I'm the father of them all.
Super sperm.
[baby cries]
But still so near ♪
The lights go on, the music dies ♪
But you don't see me standing here ♪
I just came to say goodbye ♪
I'm in the corner ♪
Watching you kiss her ♪
Oh ♪
I'm giving it my all ♪
But I'm not the girl
You're taking home ♪
Ooh ♪
I keep dancing on my own ♪
I keep dancing, oh yeah ♪
I'm in the corner
Watching you kiss her ♪
Oh ♪
I'm right over here ♪
Why can't you see me? ♪
Oh ♪