The Dukes of Hazzard s01e06 Episode Script
Swamp Molly
Isn't she the winner of the hog-throwing contest three years in a row? Wanna wrestIe? I got to make one Iast run, Jess.
The onIy thing I saw coming this way was a IittIe oId ice cream truck with naked babies painted on the side.
Go ahead.
You seen Mother Goose? You might recognize the historical significance of this little building by the familiar sign there on the door.
Darn it, Bo.
Anything goes wrong around here, you aIways bIame me.
Why is that? 'Cause you never do nothing right.
The weight was aII wrong on that arrow.
Here.
Watch this.
You can't even hit the ground with your hat.
And I get aII the fIak.
Ain't we off to a good start? Hey, Robin Hood, those are supposed to be duds.
OnIy you couId mix in a Iive one with a detonator cap.
Who in the worId wouId bIow up an outhouse? I don't know how it happened, UncIe Jesse.
I was making duds from the dynamite casings so we couId-- My car magazines.
I must've put the reaI dynamite next to the box with the duds.
Bo, you got the IQ of a turnip.
A smaII one.
You have exactIy one week, both of you to have a brand new one sitting right there.
And you got.
We got company coming.
Five years of car magazines, aII bIown to.
Old Jesse was always big on reconstruction and this might be the moral of our story except it's only just beginning.
That's Swamp Molly.
Her name tells you a lot about her.
Old Molly's seen a lot of history in Hazzard County.
She's made a little of it, too.
Too bad it ain't the kind you can put in the schoolbooks because it'd sure help to keep the kids awake.
That ain't company, it's just Swamp MoIIy.
The onIy time she comes around is when she wants something.
Nine times out of ten it's UncIe Jesse.
You boys mind your manners.
-She saved me from the Feds once.
-''Back in the faII of '36.
'' And she won't never Iet us forget it.
Cousin AIice and I have brought you some sourwood honey.
Cousin AIice? Isn't she the winner of the hog-throwing contest three years in a row? That's the seIf-same one who's been saving herseIf for you.
That ain't funny, Luke.
I stiII got them bruises she gave me Iast time she was here.
You keep your feet moving, that way she won't get ahoId of you.
You go say heIIo to UncIe Jesse, AIice.
-Hey, UncIe Jesse.
-Hey, AIice.
Thank you.
Wanna wrestIe? She gets right down to it, don't she? I meant before I go.
I got me a new book on wrestIing hoIds and ain't nobody to practice on except the bear.
You behave, AIice.
Here, Jesse, I made you some of my green tomato pie.
Good.
You're Iooking a IittIe bit peaked, Jess.
-How about I brew you up some herb tea? -Not now, MoIIy.
Before you start up with one of them schemes of yours I want you to remember that them two boys in there -they're on probation.
-Jesse, how you taIk.
AII right, if you ain't got the time or incIination.
Let's just serve up the pie.
You and AIice can stay as Iong as you want.
The boys never could figure what that strange hold was that Molly had over their Uncle Jesse.
To their minds, that old debt had been paid, with interest, twice over before they were even born.
Now what? What they didn't quite understand was this story is about honor.
You don't have to worry about it, Boss.
I've got everything under controI.
It's better than I thought.
Rosco it took us years to put a Iid on Swamp MoIIy's operations.
Remember, she's not onIy ugIy as sin she's sIipperier than a water snake in a grease pit.
That don't matter.
I got a way to get her, and I'm gonna get her.
Rosco, I don't beIieve you'II do that any quicker than I am gonna get the hang of these wretched disco steps I promised to Iearn me to pIease your fat sister, my wife.
You'II Iearn them, Boss, just Iike I Iearned my new operationaI procedure.
Wait tiII you see it.
Over.
AII I wanna see are resuIts.
We got a tight Iid on Swamp MoIIy and I sure don't want her starting up again.
Yes, sir.
It's a matter of honor.
-No, it ain't.
-No, it ain't.
It's a matter of pure greed.
Get moving, or I'II have your taiI in a wringer.
That's a 10-4, IittIe fat buddy.
I'm gone.
-Enos? -Yes, sir.
-Give me these.
-Yes, sir.
WiII you give them to me? I'm going out to reconnoiter.
I want you to stay here and get on the horn.
You want me to honk the horn? Enos, I don't want you to honk the car horn.
I want you to get on the fieId teIephone.
I bought these at the army surpIus this morning.
What? I thought commandos were supposed to crawI down on their beIIies.
Everybody can see you coming, standing up Iike that.
If there's one thing I know how to do -it's when to waIk and when to crawI.
-Yes, sir.
You ever see anyone set themselves up for comments like old Rosco does? It's that nephew of mine, Jess.
The one at YaIe Divinity SchooI.
He's going into his Iast year.
And business has been so bad.
I wish that I was strong Iike in the oId days.
Like that time I was abIe to heIp you escape from the Feds.
Back in '36, I beIieve that was.
That time you come so cIose to spending the rest of your days behind bars.
AII right, MoIIy.
-What is it you want this time? -SimpIe.
The boys pick up a truck at the Hazzard County Iine and drive it to the swamp Ianding.
And this stuff wouId make you proud, Jess.
I'm hauIing prime.
PIease heIp me.
Look at that.
Old Sheriff Rosco sure knows how to crawl, don't he? This is Red Dog.
Well, ain't nobody perfect.
Sure you got to do this, MoIIy? I got to make one Iast run, Jesse.
She's prime.
BIue Fox, this is Red Dog.
I'm on target.
Okay, sure.
What now? Dang it, Enos, wiII you pIease use the miIitary code? Okay, Hound Dog.
It's not Hound Dog, it's Red Dog, you dipstick.
Yes, sir.
I stiII don't know, Luke.
Sheriff Rosco after MoIIy, and that means Boss Hogg, of course and probabIy some other reaI mean moonshiners.
I think it's awfuI risky driving that truck.
I think you ought to Iet me do it.
-UncIe Jesse wouId never aIIow it.
-She's right, though.
Rosco's reaIIy gonna have a Iookout on that truck.
If that's the case, why don't we transfer the contents to another vehicIe? We can't do that.
MoIIy toId us she'd have the truck Iocked up.
I think you better Iet me go aIong.
-We couId use a IittIe insurance, though.
-Cooter! Cooter Davenport? Come on, he'd be about as heIpfuI as a fIea in a hound's ear.
We take the truck to Cooter, have him disguise it and then make MoIIy's run in broad dayIight.
Yeah, oId Rosco wouId never figure on that.
Boss, good news! Boss, you know I have dreamed, I have prayed for this day, and this is it.
This is our day.
I sure hope something good happens today.
These disco maneuvers are driving me swimmy-headed.
That party is tonight.
And LuIu wiII have a fit if she winds up a waIIfIower again.
Never mind LuIu's fIower.
Listen, this is important.
You know I've been tracking Swamp MoIIy for three months now.
Today she Ied me up Jacob's Iadder into the Iand of gIory, so to speak.
Land of gIory? What are you taIking about? These pictures.
Look at this.
Swamp MoIIy is gonna make a whiskey run and she's got the Duke boys invoIved in it, too.
I decIare.
Rosco, Iooks Iike you took a correspondence course in brains and actuaIIy passed.
No, I didn't.
But I did take one in photography.
Them ain't haIf bad, are they? I deveIoped those myseIf.
You know the troubIe I have? I have troubIe with my focusing.
Rosco, I don't want no Iecture.
AII I want is that oId hag's moonshine.
And you're gonna get it.
If I couIdn't put a Iid on her at Ieast I can dry her up for my own profit.
We got the pictures, but I aIso got more surprises for them Duke boys.
And I teII you, rain, shine, haiI or storm -I'm teIIing you, I've got them.
-Get out of here.
ln Hazzard, when everybody thinks they got everybody else pegged ain't nobody right.
That's when the fun's just about to start.
WiII you come on? We got to put this barrier across this road.
I want it high and mean.
And when I say mean, I mean, mean.
And I want it done before tonight.
I'II do it.
What's wrong with you? BIue Fox, this is Red Dog.
Do you read me? Come on.
I read you, Red Dog.
Have you seen Mother Goose? No, sir.
But I did spy a Iame possum back yonder, by the HoIIow.
Let me tell you, even without Jesse's old debt to Molly or that outhouse to rebuild the boys would've found some way to make this run.
'Cause in Hazzard County there ain't no better entertainment than beating out old Boss Hogg or the Sheriff.
Red Dog.
I got TweedIedee and TweedIedum over here.
At the garage, as usuaI.
No sign of Mother Goose, though.
That's a roger.
What I want you to do, BIue Fox, is to head over to Zebra sector.
Come on.
Is that MiII Pond, Rosco? Enos, wiII you use the code? Yes, sir.
Cooter, ain't nobody in this county can paint up signs and Ietters and pictures Iike you can.
And we're giving you a whoIe truck to fooI with.
Y'aII teIIing me I can put anything I want on this truck? Yes, so Iong as it ain't dirty.
But we got to have it by tomorrow.
Yeah.
You got a deaI.
-You bIew it.
-What do you mean, I bIew it? I got him to paint that whoIe truck for just the price of some paint.
Yeah, and I couId've taIked him into paying us.
Didn't you ever read Tom Sawyer? lt was a long night, but Rosco never did give up.
He had an image to uphold.
He was paying nearly $1 an hour for that roadblock man.
He wanted his money's worth.
I want this higher.
I want it mean.
I toId you higher.
I mean, higher.
You understand ''higher''? Creep.
I got the smoke bombs.
Yeah, we'd best do the works.
Get some oiI for a spiII, pIenty arrows, and some dynamite.
That is, if Bo can remember the difference between the Iive stuff and the duds.
Luke, that's getting just a IittIe bit oId.
With Rosco hot on MoIIy's traiI, we better be ready for anything.
See what l mean? Did you ever see folks having more fun? Like they always say.
: '"The family that plays together stays together.
'" Red Dog, Daisy's on her way to work just Iike usuaI.
Can't I go home and take a nap now? The boys had a good plan.
The idea was for Rosco to see Dukes everywhere but heading for the swamp.
Then Bo and Daisy would draw off the smokies while Luke made a slow run right out in the open.
lf this was any place except Hazzard County l'd say things would go off without a hitch.
TweedIedee and Dum over at the garage again, Red Dog.
A work of art.
And you did it right across the street from the Sheriff's office.
I thought that'd be a nice IittIe touch.
I'm teIIing you, Cooter, you did a fine job.
You're a reguIar Grandpa Moses.
I was of the mind to make you some of that crawdad bisque you favored so out in the swamp.
I got aImost aII the ingredients.
What do you mean, aImost? Cousin AIice, why don't you go fish us up some crawdads? Me? AIone? And what happens if somebody takes the notion to assauIt my virtue? A person shouIdn't take no chances.
I'II just go aIong with you, Cousin AIice.
I'II get my hat.
4:00.
-Come on, them crawdads is awaiting! -AII right.
-I can't find Rosco anywhere.
-Neither can l.
I got him.
And his barricade.
WouIdn't you know it? Right across the pubIic road.
Looks like old Rosco's finally got it together.
Right here is where things really start cooking.
The onIy thing I saw coming this way was a IittIe oId ice cream truck with naked babies painted on the side.
Them ain't naked babies, Enos, those are cherubs.
Dipstick.
My mama aIways said: ''If you're gonna do anything right, do it yourseIf.
'' Just stay here.
There's no way I can get through, over, or around that thing on my own.
You just keep cruising.
Daisy and me'II be right with you, coz.
Sorry, boys.
I'm gonna be a IittIe Iate.
l got a flat here.
Got you, Daisy.
Want some breakfast? Hey, good buddy, what kind of fIavors you got? You don't have butter brickIe crunch.
I sure wouId Iove to have some butter brickIe crunch.
Bo, where the heII are you? Maybe doubIe-peanut dooIey.
DoubIe-peanut dooIey.
Yeah, that sounds good.
You got some doubIe-peanut.
TweedIedum ! You're under arrest, man.
TweedIedum is running peanut dooIeys in that naked-baby ice cream truck.
That boy ain't never gonna get the hang of this code taIk.
-Daisy, you there? -Yeah, Bo.
Watch out for Rosco.
He'II be hopping mad when he finds out what we did to his barricade.
Don't you worry, Bo, I'm aImost there.
Looks like the boys are home free, don't it? But y'all got to remember that this is Hazzard.
Dang.
Come on.
Get out! Luke, Bo, come here.
Move! What'd you do, Rosco, join the NationaI Guard? Hush.
Don't you go smart-mouthing the Iaw.
AII right, open it up.
-We ain't got no key.
-No key? No probIem.
Good, good.
Got you.
l don't want y'all thinking Molly was lying when she said that business was bad.
lt was so bad that she even had to switch her line of merchandise.
Rosco, you got to beIieve me, we had no idea.
WiII you hush? It wasn't bad enough you running booze now you're running guns for those pinko fascists.
-You can't beIieve that.
-You hush.
I got you this time on a FederaI arms reguIation.
And that's enough to put you away for your naturaI Iife.
You have the right to remain siIent.
You have the right to remain.
WiII you give me the card? Give me that.
Okay.
''You have the right to remain siIent.
'' Don't look too good, does it? lt was lucky for the boys that old Rosco was a slow reader.
He wanted everything to be real legal, so he didn't skip any of the parts.
That's enemy fire.
Cover the prisoners! SaddIe up.
BIue Fox, this is Red Dog.
I'm under attack.
Boss.
Them Duke boys, they've sunk to a new Iow.
They're running guns.
I'm not taIking booze.
I'm taIking guns.
-Did you say guns? -I said guns.
Grenades, bombs, rifIes, enough to outfit a whoIe army.
Booze is one thing, but running guns is un-American.
But don't worry.
I've got it under controI, just Iike usuaI.
I caIIed the FBI.
Over there.
You jackass.
If you caught the goIden goose, you'd boiI it for breakfast.
BIack-market firearms are worth a fortune.
And you caIIed the FBI.
You just go and meet those FBI agents and you teII them you were drunk, or having fits.
Or better stiII you just act naturaI, and they'II know you're deranged.
Whatever scheme your IittIe mind can manage you get the FBI out of Hazzard County or I'II divorce your fat sister and send her back to Iive with you.
Boss, you wouIdn't do that.
Look, LuIu keeps a good home for you.
I'II hire a housekeeper.
She'd eat Iess, scrub more, and sIeep downstairs.
I'II do something.
Daisy, you best head on home, teII Jesse what's happened.
What are you two gonna do? We're not gonna deIiver this truck, for one thing.
Aunt MoIIy's gone too far this time.
We best meet her at the rendezvous and have us a IittIe taIk.
Then what? In case you haven't noticed, we're on the run.
But I got us an idea.
If we can make it tiII nightfaII, we're home free.
I think.
Two FBl men had already arrived in Hazzard County.
And them boys ain't nothing to fool with.
Old Rosco was sweating, and it wasn't even hot outside.
Why don't you just reIax, Sheriff, and teII us the facts? Yes, sure.
I'II just reIax here.
I had night duty this one night and I was having some coffee.
And I get this anonymous phone caII about a fIying saucer.
NaturaIIy, I just thought it was some oId drunk.
-You know? -We know.
Go on, Sheriff.
Go on? Yes, you see it wasn't the onIy caII that came in.
There were severaI caIIs that came in during that week.
And they were aII at night.
PeopIe caIIing in about red Iights way up in the sky down there by the swamp.
Did you investigate? Yes, I did.
I did it.
I investigated.
But I wasn't Iooking for any fIying saucers, because I don't beIieve in them.
EspeciaIIy this one.
-What did you think you had? -Gas.
Swamp gas.
That's why I went down near the swamp 'cause, you know, that is where you find swamp gas.
-And that's where I saw it.
-What? The haIIucination.
The truck Ioaded with iIIegaI firearms.
Yeah.
That haIIucination.
And then I got aII these crazy IittIe tiny sounds in my head.
And I thought I was going squirreIIy.
I'm teIIing you, that was a terribIe experience.
-But you caIIed us? -Yeah, I did.
That was before I knew it was a haIIucination that I caIIed the FBI.
And then this truck the whoIe truck just went, ''bIip.
'' Like cIear out of sight.
Just, ''bIip.
'' -Two bIips? -No, just one.
You know something? You city boys have no idea what a scream that swamp gas can give to a man Iike me when he's overworked, and when he's working for such pitifuI, miserabIe, mangy backwoods wages.
-TeII me, Sheriff.
-What? Have you checked with your doctor IateIy? No.
I can't afford it.
Why? The man's a fIying Iunatic.
I fooIed them.
They thought I was squirreIIy.
There she is.
I got her.
WouId you Iook at that.
We onIy set this trap an hour ago and Iook at aII of them crawdads.
You know, it's aImost as if they wanted to get into MoIIy's bisque.
I think we shouId sIow down some.
-I hear it's bad Iuck to fish fast.
-Bad Iuck? It's bad Iuck for the crawdads, maybe.
Let Ioose! You swamp peopIe sure got some strange ideas.
What happened? You boys are earIy.
I guess we couId ask you the same question.
I thought you were supposed to be with UncIe Jesse, cooking.
Don't you worry none about Jesse.
I fed him up so fuII he feII out to snore.
And where is the truck? Where you ain't never gonna Iay your hands on it.
Jesse toId you we were on probation.
A simpIe IittIe run, you said.
Prime stuff.
So you opened the truck? No, we didn't open the truck.
Rosco opened the truck! What he found there is enough to get us put away for Iife.
UncIe Jesse! I think you'd better reconsider, boys.
No.
That famiIy debt has been paid.
I was afraid something Iike this wouId happen.
I'm sorry to put this so strong but you'd better reconsider or you just might never see your UncIe Jesse again.
What did you do to him? Did you poison him with your cooking? -MoIIy wouId never hurt UncIe Jesse.
-Of course I'd never.
But I'd just Iove to have him for company the next hundred years.
What do you mean? I got him out to my pIace, with Cousin AIice.
If you want to go out there Iooking for him the swamp is free.
The onIy person that can get in or out of that swamp is MoIIy here.
She's bIuffing.
Daisy, you there? Daisy, where are you? I just got home, and something's wrong.
Things ain't perfect anywhere.
Put UncIe Jesse on, wiII you? That's what's wrong.
UncIe Jesse isn't here.
Neither is Molly or Cousin Alice.
-Are you sure? -I Iooked everywhere.
UncIe Jesse's cIoset is empty, his toothbrush is gone and his checkerboard.
His checkerboard? lt wasn't looking good 'cause the boys knew Uncle Jesse never went anywhere without his checkerboard.
Everybody, hang on.
With the boys being squeezed between a lifetime of jailhouse grits and the loss of their Uncle Jesse things could get pretty rough.
Old Molly sure had the boys' tail in the crack.
lf she had Uncle Jesse in the swamp there wasn't no one gonna be able to get him out, except her.
After all, Molly did promise to have Jesse back by 4.
:00.
And her intentions were good.
Sneaky, maybe, but good.
I got them.
Cousin AIice, what's going on? I know that MoIIy's up to something.
What is it? -Wanna wrestIe? -No, I don't want to wrestIe.
But I'm gonna find out.
And if you don't get up and start heIping I'm gonna paddIe your behind with this.
Now, get! $239.
95.
$545.
15.
$1,679 even.
I got to add this aII up.
You mind if I come in? I got rid of aII those FBIs out of Hazzard County.
That's a reIief.
You know, Rosco, bIack-market is beautifuI.
Just beautifuI.
What's that? This is part of that operationaI procedure I was teIIing you about.
BIue Fox, this is Red Dog.
Come on, you got your ears on? Hello, Red Dog.
This is Blue Fox.
Can you hear me? -Who is Red Dog? -I'm Red Dog.
This is Red Dog.
BIue Fox, come on.
Hang on to your heImet, Red Dog.
I got the goIden goose.
Or was that supposed to be Mother Goose? Anyway, I got them.
Listen, BIue Fox, don't you itch, twitch, or anything.
I want those guys.
You just watch them, that's aII.
Give me that.
-Here? -Push the bIack button.
You recognize this voice, Enos? -Say, ''BIue Fox.
'' -BIue Fox? J.
D.
Hogg speaking.
Listen good.
That truck is mine.
BIue Fox, we're on our way.
Over and out.
Get on in the truck.
Y'all look here, because this is where you got to pay real close attention.
They're heading for Swamp Road now.
Watch out, wiII you? Sorry.
Listen, BIue Fox.
You just keep your distance.
Don't crowd them, just watch them.
UncIe Jesse? -How did you escape? -What are you taIking about? MoIIy said you was down at the swamp at her pIace.
So that's it.
I was down there fishing for crawdads and this grinning femaIe here sabotaged me.
What's this aII about, anyway? Sheriff Rosco caught us on the run.
And it wasn't moonshine that we was running for MoIIy.
No, it wasn't.
It was guns.
Firearm reguIations.
AII right.
We got to get rid of that truck and everything that's in it before Rosco catches up with you.
What about MoIIy? Let her go back to cheating at bingo.
Let's get that truck down to BIack HoIIow.
Red Dog.
CaIIing Red Dog.
The Goose has got company.
They're heading south toward BIack HoIIow.
I've got it, BIue Fox.
That's BIack HoIIow.
-BIack HoIIow? Can you get there? -Yeah.
Step on it.
I got it.
I'm putting the pedaI to the metaI.
Don't Iose controI.
If we crash, I'II put your body between us and make an airbag.
Daisy, we're headed for BIack HoIIow.
Meet us there.
And hurry! I'II be there.
What did you pick this road for? I'm sorry, Boss.
This is the onIy road.
Bo, where are them dynamite arrows? You brought more than one, didn't you? Of course I did.
I got them, and you packed them.
It's fuII of ammo.
It'II bIow sky high.
Everybody get in back of something.
You packed them, cousin.
Now teII me, which is worse having one bIow up when you don't want it to or not bIow up when you do? -Okay, we're even.
-No, we're not even, we're behind.
Hear company coming.
We got to get rid of that truck.
But how? Let's back her up so Bo can get a run at it and we'II put it in the Iake.
It's got quicksand in the bottom, and it goes aII the way to China.
Sheriff, you better get over here quick.
Cousin AIice, get over here and give us a hand.
Red Dog, this is BIue Fox.
I request permission to move in now and arrest the enemy.
Do it, BIue Fox.
He's gonna hit us.
Everybody back! Oh, no.
There he is.
Come on, Bo.
It's gone over.
AII right, hoId it.
You're under arrest.
You're definiteIy under arrest.
And the ice cream truck is under.
It's reaIIy under.
She's on her way to China.
Are you crying? Listen, Iet me.
Here.
I'm sorry, but that truck went right into the oId drink and it wasn't anybody's fauIt, it just rammed it right in there.
If I ever, in aII my days.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Wait.
lt took a while for the Sheriff to revive Boss from a choking fit.
But the boys got off okay, because there wasn't any evidence.
And Molly wasn't mad, even though she didn't get her gun money.
I ain't had such a rush to my veins since the oId days.
It was exciting.
But, MoIIy, you didn't pIay square with me again.
-I know it, and I'm sorry.
-Sorry don't get it.
I'm gonna make it up to you by brewing you up the best batch of crawdad bisque you ever put in your whoIe mouth.
And I'm gonna bake up some pecan cookies just for you, Bo.
I'm gonna heIp y'aII.
That MoIIy, she's a card.
I wonder what she's gonna think up next.
I hate pecan cookies.
What about the outhouse? After what we've just been through? I did aII of us a favor.
We ain't never used that thing but for target practice.
What do we need an outhouse for, anyway? We've had indoor pIumbing for 20 years.
Don't you think I've thought of aII that? But A: The pIace don't Iook right without it and B: There's something to be said for preserving the famiIy heritage.
Is there a C? C: I got the feeIing we're supposed to start preserving.
You're feeIing just right.
Get out there and get with it.
This time I want to buiId it a IittIe wider and use a Iot of sandpaper.
And that was the legend of how Swamp Molly tried to get the Duke clan to contribute to her nephew's preacher training.
And how Jesse gave the boys a lesson in finding their roots.
And how, after nearly 40 years Old Jesse got another bowl of Molly's crawdad bisque.
EngIish
The onIy thing I saw coming this way was a IittIe oId ice cream truck with naked babies painted on the side.
Go ahead.
You seen Mother Goose? You might recognize the historical significance of this little building by the familiar sign there on the door.
Darn it, Bo.
Anything goes wrong around here, you aIways bIame me.
Why is that? 'Cause you never do nothing right.
The weight was aII wrong on that arrow.
Here.
Watch this.
You can't even hit the ground with your hat.
And I get aII the fIak.
Ain't we off to a good start? Hey, Robin Hood, those are supposed to be duds.
OnIy you couId mix in a Iive one with a detonator cap.
Who in the worId wouId bIow up an outhouse? I don't know how it happened, UncIe Jesse.
I was making duds from the dynamite casings so we couId-- My car magazines.
I must've put the reaI dynamite next to the box with the duds.
Bo, you got the IQ of a turnip.
A smaII one.
You have exactIy one week, both of you to have a brand new one sitting right there.
And you got.
We got company coming.
Five years of car magazines, aII bIown to.
Old Jesse was always big on reconstruction and this might be the moral of our story except it's only just beginning.
That's Swamp Molly.
Her name tells you a lot about her.
Old Molly's seen a lot of history in Hazzard County.
She's made a little of it, too.
Too bad it ain't the kind you can put in the schoolbooks because it'd sure help to keep the kids awake.
That ain't company, it's just Swamp MoIIy.
The onIy time she comes around is when she wants something.
Nine times out of ten it's UncIe Jesse.
You boys mind your manners.
-She saved me from the Feds once.
-''Back in the faII of '36.
'' And she won't never Iet us forget it.
Cousin AIice and I have brought you some sourwood honey.
Cousin AIice? Isn't she the winner of the hog-throwing contest three years in a row? That's the seIf-same one who's been saving herseIf for you.
That ain't funny, Luke.
I stiII got them bruises she gave me Iast time she was here.
You keep your feet moving, that way she won't get ahoId of you.
You go say heIIo to UncIe Jesse, AIice.
-Hey, UncIe Jesse.
-Hey, AIice.
Thank you.
Wanna wrestIe? She gets right down to it, don't she? I meant before I go.
I got me a new book on wrestIing hoIds and ain't nobody to practice on except the bear.
You behave, AIice.
Here, Jesse, I made you some of my green tomato pie.
Good.
You're Iooking a IittIe bit peaked, Jess.
-How about I brew you up some herb tea? -Not now, MoIIy.
Before you start up with one of them schemes of yours I want you to remember that them two boys in there -they're on probation.
-Jesse, how you taIk.
AII right, if you ain't got the time or incIination.
Let's just serve up the pie.
You and AIice can stay as Iong as you want.
The boys never could figure what that strange hold was that Molly had over their Uncle Jesse.
To their minds, that old debt had been paid, with interest, twice over before they were even born.
Now what? What they didn't quite understand was this story is about honor.
You don't have to worry about it, Boss.
I've got everything under controI.
It's better than I thought.
Rosco it took us years to put a Iid on Swamp MoIIy's operations.
Remember, she's not onIy ugIy as sin she's sIipperier than a water snake in a grease pit.
That don't matter.
I got a way to get her, and I'm gonna get her.
Rosco, I don't beIieve you'II do that any quicker than I am gonna get the hang of these wretched disco steps I promised to Iearn me to pIease your fat sister, my wife.
You'II Iearn them, Boss, just Iike I Iearned my new operationaI procedure.
Wait tiII you see it.
Over.
AII I wanna see are resuIts.
We got a tight Iid on Swamp MoIIy and I sure don't want her starting up again.
Yes, sir.
It's a matter of honor.
-No, it ain't.
-No, it ain't.
It's a matter of pure greed.
Get moving, or I'II have your taiI in a wringer.
That's a 10-4, IittIe fat buddy.
I'm gone.
-Enos? -Yes, sir.
-Give me these.
-Yes, sir.
WiII you give them to me? I'm going out to reconnoiter.
I want you to stay here and get on the horn.
You want me to honk the horn? Enos, I don't want you to honk the car horn.
I want you to get on the fieId teIephone.
I bought these at the army surpIus this morning.
What? I thought commandos were supposed to crawI down on their beIIies.
Everybody can see you coming, standing up Iike that.
If there's one thing I know how to do -it's when to waIk and when to crawI.
-Yes, sir.
You ever see anyone set themselves up for comments like old Rosco does? It's that nephew of mine, Jess.
The one at YaIe Divinity SchooI.
He's going into his Iast year.
And business has been so bad.
I wish that I was strong Iike in the oId days.
Like that time I was abIe to heIp you escape from the Feds.
Back in '36, I beIieve that was.
That time you come so cIose to spending the rest of your days behind bars.
AII right, MoIIy.
-What is it you want this time? -SimpIe.
The boys pick up a truck at the Hazzard County Iine and drive it to the swamp Ianding.
And this stuff wouId make you proud, Jess.
I'm hauIing prime.
PIease heIp me.
Look at that.
Old Sheriff Rosco sure knows how to crawl, don't he? This is Red Dog.
Well, ain't nobody perfect.
Sure you got to do this, MoIIy? I got to make one Iast run, Jesse.
She's prime.
BIue Fox, this is Red Dog.
I'm on target.
Okay, sure.
What now? Dang it, Enos, wiII you pIease use the miIitary code? Okay, Hound Dog.
It's not Hound Dog, it's Red Dog, you dipstick.
Yes, sir.
I stiII don't know, Luke.
Sheriff Rosco after MoIIy, and that means Boss Hogg, of course and probabIy some other reaI mean moonshiners.
I think it's awfuI risky driving that truck.
I think you ought to Iet me do it.
-UncIe Jesse wouId never aIIow it.
-She's right, though.
Rosco's reaIIy gonna have a Iookout on that truck.
If that's the case, why don't we transfer the contents to another vehicIe? We can't do that.
MoIIy toId us she'd have the truck Iocked up.
I think you better Iet me go aIong.
-We couId use a IittIe insurance, though.
-Cooter! Cooter Davenport? Come on, he'd be about as heIpfuI as a fIea in a hound's ear.
We take the truck to Cooter, have him disguise it and then make MoIIy's run in broad dayIight.
Yeah, oId Rosco wouId never figure on that.
Boss, good news! Boss, you know I have dreamed, I have prayed for this day, and this is it.
This is our day.
I sure hope something good happens today.
These disco maneuvers are driving me swimmy-headed.
That party is tonight.
And LuIu wiII have a fit if she winds up a waIIfIower again.
Never mind LuIu's fIower.
Listen, this is important.
You know I've been tracking Swamp MoIIy for three months now.
Today she Ied me up Jacob's Iadder into the Iand of gIory, so to speak.
Land of gIory? What are you taIking about? These pictures.
Look at this.
Swamp MoIIy is gonna make a whiskey run and she's got the Duke boys invoIved in it, too.
I decIare.
Rosco, Iooks Iike you took a correspondence course in brains and actuaIIy passed.
No, I didn't.
But I did take one in photography.
Them ain't haIf bad, are they? I deveIoped those myseIf.
You know the troubIe I have? I have troubIe with my focusing.
Rosco, I don't want no Iecture.
AII I want is that oId hag's moonshine.
And you're gonna get it.
If I couIdn't put a Iid on her at Ieast I can dry her up for my own profit.
We got the pictures, but I aIso got more surprises for them Duke boys.
And I teII you, rain, shine, haiI or storm -I'm teIIing you, I've got them.
-Get out of here.
ln Hazzard, when everybody thinks they got everybody else pegged ain't nobody right.
That's when the fun's just about to start.
WiII you come on? We got to put this barrier across this road.
I want it high and mean.
And when I say mean, I mean, mean.
And I want it done before tonight.
I'II do it.
What's wrong with you? BIue Fox, this is Red Dog.
Do you read me? Come on.
I read you, Red Dog.
Have you seen Mother Goose? No, sir.
But I did spy a Iame possum back yonder, by the HoIIow.
Let me tell you, even without Jesse's old debt to Molly or that outhouse to rebuild the boys would've found some way to make this run.
'Cause in Hazzard County there ain't no better entertainment than beating out old Boss Hogg or the Sheriff.
Red Dog.
I got TweedIedee and TweedIedum over here.
At the garage, as usuaI.
No sign of Mother Goose, though.
That's a roger.
What I want you to do, BIue Fox, is to head over to Zebra sector.
Come on.
Is that MiII Pond, Rosco? Enos, wiII you use the code? Yes, sir.
Cooter, ain't nobody in this county can paint up signs and Ietters and pictures Iike you can.
And we're giving you a whoIe truck to fooI with.
Y'aII teIIing me I can put anything I want on this truck? Yes, so Iong as it ain't dirty.
But we got to have it by tomorrow.
Yeah.
You got a deaI.
-You bIew it.
-What do you mean, I bIew it? I got him to paint that whoIe truck for just the price of some paint.
Yeah, and I couId've taIked him into paying us.
Didn't you ever read Tom Sawyer? lt was a long night, but Rosco never did give up.
He had an image to uphold.
He was paying nearly $1 an hour for that roadblock man.
He wanted his money's worth.
I want this higher.
I want it mean.
I toId you higher.
I mean, higher.
You understand ''higher''? Creep.
I got the smoke bombs.
Yeah, we'd best do the works.
Get some oiI for a spiII, pIenty arrows, and some dynamite.
That is, if Bo can remember the difference between the Iive stuff and the duds.
Luke, that's getting just a IittIe bit oId.
With Rosco hot on MoIIy's traiI, we better be ready for anything.
See what l mean? Did you ever see folks having more fun? Like they always say.
: '"The family that plays together stays together.
'" Red Dog, Daisy's on her way to work just Iike usuaI.
Can't I go home and take a nap now? The boys had a good plan.
The idea was for Rosco to see Dukes everywhere but heading for the swamp.
Then Bo and Daisy would draw off the smokies while Luke made a slow run right out in the open.
lf this was any place except Hazzard County l'd say things would go off without a hitch.
TweedIedee and Dum over at the garage again, Red Dog.
A work of art.
And you did it right across the street from the Sheriff's office.
I thought that'd be a nice IittIe touch.
I'm teIIing you, Cooter, you did a fine job.
You're a reguIar Grandpa Moses.
I was of the mind to make you some of that crawdad bisque you favored so out in the swamp.
I got aImost aII the ingredients.
What do you mean, aImost? Cousin AIice, why don't you go fish us up some crawdads? Me? AIone? And what happens if somebody takes the notion to assauIt my virtue? A person shouIdn't take no chances.
I'II just go aIong with you, Cousin AIice.
I'II get my hat.
4:00.
-Come on, them crawdads is awaiting! -AII right.
-I can't find Rosco anywhere.
-Neither can l.
I got him.
And his barricade.
WouIdn't you know it? Right across the pubIic road.
Looks like old Rosco's finally got it together.
Right here is where things really start cooking.
The onIy thing I saw coming this way was a IittIe oId ice cream truck with naked babies painted on the side.
Them ain't naked babies, Enos, those are cherubs.
Dipstick.
My mama aIways said: ''If you're gonna do anything right, do it yourseIf.
'' Just stay here.
There's no way I can get through, over, or around that thing on my own.
You just keep cruising.
Daisy and me'II be right with you, coz.
Sorry, boys.
I'm gonna be a IittIe Iate.
l got a flat here.
Got you, Daisy.
Want some breakfast? Hey, good buddy, what kind of fIavors you got? You don't have butter brickIe crunch.
I sure wouId Iove to have some butter brickIe crunch.
Bo, where the heII are you? Maybe doubIe-peanut dooIey.
DoubIe-peanut dooIey.
Yeah, that sounds good.
You got some doubIe-peanut.
TweedIedum ! You're under arrest, man.
TweedIedum is running peanut dooIeys in that naked-baby ice cream truck.
That boy ain't never gonna get the hang of this code taIk.
-Daisy, you there? -Yeah, Bo.
Watch out for Rosco.
He'II be hopping mad when he finds out what we did to his barricade.
Don't you worry, Bo, I'm aImost there.
Looks like the boys are home free, don't it? But y'all got to remember that this is Hazzard.
Dang.
Come on.
Get out! Luke, Bo, come here.
Move! What'd you do, Rosco, join the NationaI Guard? Hush.
Don't you go smart-mouthing the Iaw.
AII right, open it up.
-We ain't got no key.
-No key? No probIem.
Good, good.
Got you.
l don't want y'all thinking Molly was lying when she said that business was bad.
lt was so bad that she even had to switch her line of merchandise.
Rosco, you got to beIieve me, we had no idea.
WiII you hush? It wasn't bad enough you running booze now you're running guns for those pinko fascists.
-You can't beIieve that.
-You hush.
I got you this time on a FederaI arms reguIation.
And that's enough to put you away for your naturaI Iife.
You have the right to remain siIent.
You have the right to remain.
WiII you give me the card? Give me that.
Okay.
''You have the right to remain siIent.
'' Don't look too good, does it? lt was lucky for the boys that old Rosco was a slow reader.
He wanted everything to be real legal, so he didn't skip any of the parts.
That's enemy fire.
Cover the prisoners! SaddIe up.
BIue Fox, this is Red Dog.
I'm under attack.
Boss.
Them Duke boys, they've sunk to a new Iow.
They're running guns.
I'm not taIking booze.
I'm taIking guns.
-Did you say guns? -I said guns.
Grenades, bombs, rifIes, enough to outfit a whoIe army.
Booze is one thing, but running guns is un-American.
But don't worry.
I've got it under controI, just Iike usuaI.
I caIIed the FBI.
Over there.
You jackass.
If you caught the goIden goose, you'd boiI it for breakfast.
BIack-market firearms are worth a fortune.
And you caIIed the FBI.
You just go and meet those FBI agents and you teII them you were drunk, or having fits.
Or better stiII you just act naturaI, and they'II know you're deranged.
Whatever scheme your IittIe mind can manage you get the FBI out of Hazzard County or I'II divorce your fat sister and send her back to Iive with you.
Boss, you wouIdn't do that.
Look, LuIu keeps a good home for you.
I'II hire a housekeeper.
She'd eat Iess, scrub more, and sIeep downstairs.
I'II do something.
Daisy, you best head on home, teII Jesse what's happened.
What are you two gonna do? We're not gonna deIiver this truck, for one thing.
Aunt MoIIy's gone too far this time.
We best meet her at the rendezvous and have us a IittIe taIk.
Then what? In case you haven't noticed, we're on the run.
But I got us an idea.
If we can make it tiII nightfaII, we're home free.
I think.
Two FBl men had already arrived in Hazzard County.
And them boys ain't nothing to fool with.
Old Rosco was sweating, and it wasn't even hot outside.
Why don't you just reIax, Sheriff, and teII us the facts? Yes, sure.
I'II just reIax here.
I had night duty this one night and I was having some coffee.
And I get this anonymous phone caII about a fIying saucer.
NaturaIIy, I just thought it was some oId drunk.
-You know? -We know.
Go on, Sheriff.
Go on? Yes, you see it wasn't the onIy caII that came in.
There were severaI caIIs that came in during that week.
And they were aII at night.
PeopIe caIIing in about red Iights way up in the sky down there by the swamp.
Did you investigate? Yes, I did.
I did it.
I investigated.
But I wasn't Iooking for any fIying saucers, because I don't beIieve in them.
EspeciaIIy this one.
-What did you think you had? -Gas.
Swamp gas.
That's why I went down near the swamp 'cause, you know, that is where you find swamp gas.
-And that's where I saw it.
-What? The haIIucination.
The truck Ioaded with iIIegaI firearms.
Yeah.
That haIIucination.
And then I got aII these crazy IittIe tiny sounds in my head.
And I thought I was going squirreIIy.
I'm teIIing you, that was a terribIe experience.
-But you caIIed us? -Yeah, I did.
That was before I knew it was a haIIucination that I caIIed the FBI.
And then this truck the whoIe truck just went, ''bIip.
'' Like cIear out of sight.
Just, ''bIip.
'' -Two bIips? -No, just one.
You know something? You city boys have no idea what a scream that swamp gas can give to a man Iike me when he's overworked, and when he's working for such pitifuI, miserabIe, mangy backwoods wages.
-TeII me, Sheriff.
-What? Have you checked with your doctor IateIy? No.
I can't afford it.
Why? The man's a fIying Iunatic.
I fooIed them.
They thought I was squirreIIy.
There she is.
I got her.
WouId you Iook at that.
We onIy set this trap an hour ago and Iook at aII of them crawdads.
You know, it's aImost as if they wanted to get into MoIIy's bisque.
I think we shouId sIow down some.
-I hear it's bad Iuck to fish fast.
-Bad Iuck? It's bad Iuck for the crawdads, maybe.
Let Ioose! You swamp peopIe sure got some strange ideas.
What happened? You boys are earIy.
I guess we couId ask you the same question.
I thought you were supposed to be with UncIe Jesse, cooking.
Don't you worry none about Jesse.
I fed him up so fuII he feII out to snore.
And where is the truck? Where you ain't never gonna Iay your hands on it.
Jesse toId you we were on probation.
A simpIe IittIe run, you said.
Prime stuff.
So you opened the truck? No, we didn't open the truck.
Rosco opened the truck! What he found there is enough to get us put away for Iife.
UncIe Jesse! I think you'd better reconsider, boys.
No.
That famiIy debt has been paid.
I was afraid something Iike this wouId happen.
I'm sorry to put this so strong but you'd better reconsider or you just might never see your UncIe Jesse again.
What did you do to him? Did you poison him with your cooking? -MoIIy wouId never hurt UncIe Jesse.
-Of course I'd never.
But I'd just Iove to have him for company the next hundred years.
What do you mean? I got him out to my pIace, with Cousin AIice.
If you want to go out there Iooking for him the swamp is free.
The onIy person that can get in or out of that swamp is MoIIy here.
She's bIuffing.
Daisy, you there? Daisy, where are you? I just got home, and something's wrong.
Things ain't perfect anywhere.
Put UncIe Jesse on, wiII you? That's what's wrong.
UncIe Jesse isn't here.
Neither is Molly or Cousin Alice.
-Are you sure? -I Iooked everywhere.
UncIe Jesse's cIoset is empty, his toothbrush is gone and his checkerboard.
His checkerboard? lt wasn't looking good 'cause the boys knew Uncle Jesse never went anywhere without his checkerboard.
Everybody, hang on.
With the boys being squeezed between a lifetime of jailhouse grits and the loss of their Uncle Jesse things could get pretty rough.
Old Molly sure had the boys' tail in the crack.
lf she had Uncle Jesse in the swamp there wasn't no one gonna be able to get him out, except her.
After all, Molly did promise to have Jesse back by 4.
:00.
And her intentions were good.
Sneaky, maybe, but good.
I got them.
Cousin AIice, what's going on? I know that MoIIy's up to something.
What is it? -Wanna wrestIe? -No, I don't want to wrestIe.
But I'm gonna find out.
And if you don't get up and start heIping I'm gonna paddIe your behind with this.
Now, get! $239.
95.
$545.
15.
$1,679 even.
I got to add this aII up.
You mind if I come in? I got rid of aII those FBIs out of Hazzard County.
That's a reIief.
You know, Rosco, bIack-market is beautifuI.
Just beautifuI.
What's that? This is part of that operationaI procedure I was teIIing you about.
BIue Fox, this is Red Dog.
Come on, you got your ears on? Hello, Red Dog.
This is Blue Fox.
Can you hear me? -Who is Red Dog? -I'm Red Dog.
This is Red Dog.
BIue Fox, come on.
Hang on to your heImet, Red Dog.
I got the goIden goose.
Or was that supposed to be Mother Goose? Anyway, I got them.
Listen, BIue Fox, don't you itch, twitch, or anything.
I want those guys.
You just watch them, that's aII.
Give me that.
-Here? -Push the bIack button.
You recognize this voice, Enos? -Say, ''BIue Fox.
'' -BIue Fox? J.
D.
Hogg speaking.
Listen good.
That truck is mine.
BIue Fox, we're on our way.
Over and out.
Get on in the truck.
Y'all look here, because this is where you got to pay real close attention.
They're heading for Swamp Road now.
Watch out, wiII you? Sorry.
Listen, BIue Fox.
You just keep your distance.
Don't crowd them, just watch them.
UncIe Jesse? -How did you escape? -What are you taIking about? MoIIy said you was down at the swamp at her pIace.
So that's it.
I was down there fishing for crawdads and this grinning femaIe here sabotaged me.
What's this aII about, anyway? Sheriff Rosco caught us on the run.
And it wasn't moonshine that we was running for MoIIy.
No, it wasn't.
It was guns.
Firearm reguIations.
AII right.
We got to get rid of that truck and everything that's in it before Rosco catches up with you.
What about MoIIy? Let her go back to cheating at bingo.
Let's get that truck down to BIack HoIIow.
Red Dog.
CaIIing Red Dog.
The Goose has got company.
They're heading south toward BIack HoIIow.
I've got it, BIue Fox.
That's BIack HoIIow.
-BIack HoIIow? Can you get there? -Yeah.
Step on it.
I got it.
I'm putting the pedaI to the metaI.
Don't Iose controI.
If we crash, I'II put your body between us and make an airbag.
Daisy, we're headed for BIack HoIIow.
Meet us there.
And hurry! I'II be there.
What did you pick this road for? I'm sorry, Boss.
This is the onIy road.
Bo, where are them dynamite arrows? You brought more than one, didn't you? Of course I did.
I got them, and you packed them.
It's fuII of ammo.
It'II bIow sky high.
Everybody get in back of something.
You packed them, cousin.
Now teII me, which is worse having one bIow up when you don't want it to or not bIow up when you do? -Okay, we're even.
-No, we're not even, we're behind.
Hear company coming.
We got to get rid of that truck.
But how? Let's back her up so Bo can get a run at it and we'II put it in the Iake.
It's got quicksand in the bottom, and it goes aII the way to China.
Sheriff, you better get over here quick.
Cousin AIice, get over here and give us a hand.
Red Dog, this is BIue Fox.
I request permission to move in now and arrest the enemy.
Do it, BIue Fox.
He's gonna hit us.
Everybody back! Oh, no.
There he is.
Come on, Bo.
It's gone over.
AII right, hoId it.
You're under arrest.
You're definiteIy under arrest.
And the ice cream truck is under.
It's reaIIy under.
She's on her way to China.
Are you crying? Listen, Iet me.
Here.
I'm sorry, but that truck went right into the oId drink and it wasn't anybody's fauIt, it just rammed it right in there.
If I ever, in aII my days.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Wait.
lt took a while for the Sheriff to revive Boss from a choking fit.
But the boys got off okay, because there wasn't any evidence.
And Molly wasn't mad, even though she didn't get her gun money.
I ain't had such a rush to my veins since the oId days.
It was exciting.
But, MoIIy, you didn't pIay square with me again.
-I know it, and I'm sorry.
-Sorry don't get it.
I'm gonna make it up to you by brewing you up the best batch of crawdad bisque you ever put in your whoIe mouth.
And I'm gonna bake up some pecan cookies just for you, Bo.
I'm gonna heIp y'aII.
That MoIIy, she's a card.
I wonder what she's gonna think up next.
I hate pecan cookies.
What about the outhouse? After what we've just been through? I did aII of us a favor.
We ain't never used that thing but for target practice.
What do we need an outhouse for, anyway? We've had indoor pIumbing for 20 years.
Don't you think I've thought of aII that? But A: The pIace don't Iook right without it and B: There's something to be said for preserving the famiIy heritage.
Is there a C? C: I got the feeIing we're supposed to start preserving.
You're feeIing just right.
Get out there and get with it.
This time I want to buiId it a IittIe wider and use a Iot of sandpaper.
And that was the legend of how Swamp Molly tried to get the Duke clan to contribute to her nephew's preacher training.
And how Jesse gave the boys a lesson in finding their roots.
And how, after nearly 40 years Old Jesse got another bowl of Molly's crawdad bisque.
EngIish