The Flatshare (2022) s01e06 Episode Script

1
- What the fuck?
- Oh, whoa!
On some level, I still
feel like I'm his,
even though I don't want to be.
I work at Mr. Breyer's hospice.
Would you like to visit?
I need to think.
I don't want you to go.
Don't move out.
I think I could help
your brother, Richie.
- I don't understand.
- I found something
that could be crucial to his case.
So if we're gonna go
back to how things were,
I won't really see you?
No.
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
I didn't know whether
No, I wasn't sure if
House rules.
Exactly.
Come in.
Thanks.
You nervous?
Terrified.
Are you
Oh, yeah. No, I was just gonna
Yeah, it's fine.
- I'll just get my
- Okay.
I'm just gonna go in and yeah.
Thanks for letting me use the flat.
Out of hours, I mean.
No worries.
I wish I could be there today.
Not every day you're
nominated for an award, though.
Yeah, but I'd rather
be at Richie's hearing.
Do you know how to tie a tie?
Um
This is called
a half-Windsor.
- Oh, hold on.
- What?
I'm just gonna go and
Google it, actually.
So, um
once this is all over
I mean the hearing and
your awards thing
Yeah.
- Do you want to maybe, like
- What?
Go out sometime?
Are you asking me on a date?
Maybe? Yeah.
Yeah, I am.
- Oh, my God.
- What?
Am I the first person
you've ever asked out?
What?
Well, Richie told me.
Well, don't keep a man hanging.
Yes, Leon.
I will go out with you sometime.
Well, you look
Extremely beautiful.
I've got to go now.
Good luck.
- See you after?
- Mm, definitely.
Whoop.
Hey, beautiful lady!
Hey, Mum.
Well, don't you look smart.
Mum
I'm sorry.
Are you serious?
What, you want to go prep?
- No, I want a piece of cake.
- All right.
Richie's favorite.
For when he gets out.
Don't jinx it.
It's called a positive mental attitude.
- You sound like my flatmate.
- Oh.
Please don't speak with your mouth full.
So how's that working out then?
Actually, we're going on a date.
What?
You do know what they say
about dating flatmates?
"Don't shit in your own backyard."
Mum.
She's the reason we're here.
No, Leon.
You are the reason we're here.
And don't forget that.
Wow, you look amazing.
Thank you.
Right. Gather 'round, you lot.
- You look amazing too.
- It's official.
We've been bought by
an evil corporation.
Thank fuck for that.
'Cause otherwise, I'd
have had to fire you lot.
So one for you, Tiffany,
whose fucked up flatshare got
us the most clicks this year
and earned us a fucking
NOMMY nomination.
Si, one for you,
who boldly ate a saucepan
of magic mushroom risotto.
In the name of research, of course.
And Rachel.
That partners and passwords piece was
the best thing I've read since
my own late '90s diary entries.
You get on the homepage.
In fact, fuck it, you're
all going on the homepage.
Cheers.
Mmm! Mmm-mmm!
Mm
So when Phil said the winner
- goes on the homepage
- Yeah.
Actually, most of our
readers access articles
via social media posts,
so homepage doesn't
really mean anything.
This is all bullshit, isn't it?
How long are you
planning to keep this up?
Look, I know you're precious
about your article being overwritten
- Precious?
- But you still have your flat,
Richie has his hearing.
Like, what is the actual problem?
The problem is that
you turned my article
into a salacious piece of trash.
Well, it got us nominated.
I don't want to get nominated like this.
Okay, look, maybe
you're in the wrong job
if you can't handle the heat.
I can handle the fucking heat.
And I'll keep this
up until you apologize
for being such a wanker.
Bags, electronic devices.
- Empty your pockets, ma'am.
- Take a swig, please.
Bags, electronic equipment.
So talk me through what happened
on your way home from the club.
Okay, um
- I turned right onto Clapham High Street,
- Uh-huh.
- then took a left onto Crescent Lane.
- Uh-huh.
Uh, and then after, I
Sorry.
Richie, we had this down.
What's wrong?
It's just,
my mum's gonna be out there, and
I'm embarrassed for her
to hear about, you know
The being sick part and
on someone's driveway.
It's just it's so wrong.
Not as wrong as armed robbery.
It's just not how she
brought us up, you know?
Richie, you are looking
at 15 years in prison
and you're worried about
embarrassing yourself
in front of your mum?
Look, this kind of appeal
One in over a hundred.
I know.
I know.
I think we've got a good case,
but I need you to get
your shit together.
All right?
Yeah.
Here we go. Here we go.
Come on. Out you get.
- Nice umbrella.
- Come on, Tiff.
Ugh! Come on, Maia!
Uh-oh, paps. Look out.
Cheeky bump?
I don't actually do Class A stimulants.
Didn't you read my piece
about casual cocaine use
amongst East London hipsters
funding 70% of Mexico's drug cartels?
Oh, God, your generation is so boring.
Oh, wow.
You're gonna smash this.
Thanks.
Go on.
You're being pretty
fucking sanctimonious.
Excuse me?
- I apologized in my message.
- What message?
And you didn't even bother replying.
You went over my head!
Ladies, ladies. Look,
you both did a good job.
Let's just get pissed
and have a good time.
Are you serious?
What she did was unethical.
Hello, and welcome to the NOMMYs.
We are livestreaming these awards today,
so don't forget to tag
your posts with the #NOMMYs!
All rise.
You're a fine one to talk about ethics.
You appropriated Richie's story.
No, you appropriated my story.
Well, at least my version
might win you an award.
Richie's about to find out
whether he's gonna spend
the next 15 years of his
life in a prison cell,
and you care about a fucking award.
Be seated.
We will hear the appeal
of Richard Campbell
against his conviction
relating to an armed robbery.
The initial appeal was denied.
However, this case has been referred
due to an application
that there is new evidence.
Yes, Ms. Constantine?
Everyone charged with a criminal offense
shall be presumed innocent
until proven guilty
according to law.
Article 11
of the UN's "Universal
Declaration of Human Rights."
And yet,
Richard Campbell was presumed guilty.
I say "presumed"
because there was no
real evidence against him.
A man in a hoodie held a
gun to a shopkeeper's head.
The fact that Mr. Campbell
could not prove he was
where he said he was at
the time of the robbery
meant a jury found him guilty.
Thanks to a witness statement
deemed not relevant
to the case by police,
despite meeting the test for disclosure,
we now have new evidence
that categorically proves his innocence.
Why don't you start a
charity, hmm? Or a cult?
I mean, you've clearly got this
weird savior complex going on.
I was thinking about starting a charity!
- Shut up, Si.
- I mean, we've already
got ourselves a cult leader.
And you're so indoctrinated,
why don't you just,
you know, offer yourself up
as a human fucking sacrifice?
This is CCTV footage
taken from the doorbell security system
of Mrs. Heron's neighbor
at number 37 Crescent Lane.
The footage shows Mr. Campbell vomiting
into Mrs. Heron's driveway.
You will also note the
trainers he is wearing,
white Reebok Classics,
which were examined and found
to still have traces of vomit
despite being put through
a 60-degree washing cycle
the following day.
They do not match the trainers
that this man is wearing.
As you can see, the gunman
is wearing black shoes.
And if we compare times on both films,
in order to be at that place,
at that time,
Mr. Campbell would have
had to run half a mile
at the speed Usain Bolt
broke the world record
for the men's 100-meter sprint
and have time to change his shoes.
Good luck today.
Wish I was there.
I think it's time to
go back in, you know?
If you think it's all bullshit,
why don't you just leave?
I actually think that's the
best idea you've ever had.
- You should pitch it.
- Guys, get involved.
Hey!
Fuck you. Fuck this.
Oh, hey.
Where are you going? We're up next.
The award for Breakthrough Digital
Talent of the Year goes to
Tiffany Moore of Bother!
Hey, come on up here!
Get it. All right.
Come on. Come on.
Uh, thank you.
When I was started out in the
'90s, it was all about print.
I come from analog, so
to win digital is a
Um
I'm an immigrant, but
these guys are the natives.
And Bother would not be Bother
if it weren't for the raw,
young talent stood before you,
behind me.
So I'm just going to pass
the mic over to the future.
Tiffany.
Thank you very much.
Yeah, I went into journalism
because I wanted to write
stories that were
challenging and meaningful.
But then I realized people
didn't really care about that.
It's all clickbait.
I guess real lives and real feelings
are just too boring, and
Hey, baby.
Tiffany Moore
Will you marry me?
Come on, baby.
Give me that hand.
Don't spoil this. Don't spoil it.
Uh, no.
She said yes!
She said yes!
Thank you!
I didn't know she had a boyfriend.
Yeah, she doesn't.
You've made me the
happiest man in the world!
Thank you NOMMYs! Thank you!
Thank you! Come on, baby.
The fact that this witness account
was available but not disclosed
in the first proceedings,
leading to Ms. Constantine's
discovery of the new CCTV evidence,
is a grave injustice to Mr.
Campbell's right to a fair trial
and renders his conviction unsafe.
We are all in agreement.
I quash that conviction
and order that Mr. Campbell
be released immediately.
Mr. Campbell, you are free to go.
Yes.
- There you are, my darling.
- Thank you.
- Thank you, thank you.
- Speech, speech.
I want to start by thanking my lawyer,
Ms. Maia Constantine,
who smashed it out of the park today.
- Absolutely.
- Thank you.
Order, order.
And my mum, Pauline,
who sent me a Tesco fruitcake
every month I was inside.
I nearly forgot.
Because obviously,
homemade black cake soaked
in rum is not allowed.
Lastly, but definitely not least,
my little brother, Leon,
for never giving up on me.
This man was so intent
on proving my innocence
that he worked five night shifts a week,
rented his bed out to a random
girl he met on the Internet.
And lucky I did.
- Welcome back, bro.
- Thank you.
I'm so proud of you.
I was pretty great, wasn't I?
Yeah.
I really want to kiss you.
Well, you can't.
Oh, my days.
That better than pruno, yeah?
I'll make you pruno some time.
I'm all right.
Where's Tiffany? I
thought she'd be here.
Yeah, she's coming.
She's at some fancy award ceremony.
Not an excuse.
Actually
I asked her on a date.
What?
No, you never.
- I know you didn't ask her out.
- I did.
And she said yes.
I'm so proud of you!
Chill, it's not like
I'm getting married.
That's it. Deep breaths.
Let's get out of here, Tiffy, yeah?
Can't you see she's
having a panic attack?
- Let go of me.
- I'm sorry.
- Who are you?
- I'm Rachel, her colleague?
Right. Well, I'm her fiancé, so
Well, she's obviously over
the fucking moon about that!
There you are.
Congratulations.
You have such a great voice.
- Did you do this?
- Yes.
You snuck him in, you
gave him a microphone,
and you played the piano for him?
Yes.
Adele! Really?
I was just trying to do a good thing.
I am trying to be a good person.
I'm trying to educate myself
and check my privilege and do better,
but you always make me feel
like I'm messing things up.
- Tiffany.
- And it's not Adele.
That song is actually
written by Bob Dylan.
Tiffany, this is the
guy who cheated on you,
who threw you out of your home.
- Now he's gatecrashed
- I didn't throw her out.
Jesus, she should have been thrown
out of that fucking flatshare!
- That arrangement is illegal.
- Wait, did you
I was trying to help you, Tiffy.
By reporting me and
Leon to the landlord?
Okay, he is literally a psycho.
You know you can't trust Rachel.
So you do know who I am!
She's trying to break
us up! It's obvious!
She wasn't happy for you
when you won that pitch,
and she never once apologized
for changing your article.
I did apologize.
- It's all right baby.
- Don't touch me.
Tiffany, give me your phone.
What are you doing?
- Wait, come on. Don't
- No, get off it!
Yeah, he has been deleting
your text messages.
That message I sent you, apologizing,
the one I thought you'd ignored
She's lying.
It is literally here on the screen.
How would I delete her messages?
Jesus Christ!
Did you used to share passwords?
Yup, he's still signed
in to your account.
- She's jealous, Tiffy.
- Uh
You followed me to the
bar that night, didn't you?
You hate small plates.
I don't hate small plates.
I just find them very inconsistent.
And Maia? You deleted hers too?
That's him.
- Do you have a pass, sir?
- No, I don't have a pass.
Then you're gonna have to come with me.
Right, you're gonna
have to come with me.
- Fuck off, mate.
- Bye!
Fuck off! Get off!
Tiffy, don't listen to her!
Get off!
Thank you, Si.
Oh, my.
Oh, my God, Tiffany!
We won.
Richie's out.
Oh, my!
I said I'd meet them afterwards.
Come on.
Finally, 4G.
And clickbait.
Look, how about I get an
Uber and take you to the pub?
- Yeah?
- Uh-huh.
What the fuck?
Tiffany Moore, will you marry me?
Mo, come here.
She said yes!
She said yes!
Thank you!
Play it again.
Tiffany Moore, will you marry me?
Hi, guys. Ariella XX here.
So I wanted to talk to
you about "love bombing."
I left the man in this video a month ago
because there were just
too many red flags for me.
And thank God I got
out of it when I did
So she broke up with him?
I don't understand.
I think, don't try to rationalize.
He could have had me any time.
So why did he do all that?
Why did he tell me all those lies?
I told you, he's a psycho.
Well, what does that say about me?
It's not your fault.
I'm sorry I called you a wanker.
I actually don't understand
why wanker is an insult.
No. What's wrong with wanking?
Exactly.
Look, it's here.
Hi.
You look smart.
Did you win?
- Yeah, he's out.
- Oh.
Congratulations.
Would you like a hug?
No, it's okay.
Oh, cool, cool.
Wait. What are you doing here?
Didn't know where else to come.
Well, your timing is impeccable.
Come on.
- Maia!
- What is this?
After everything. All the phone calls.
All the messages I sent you
which you never reply to.
All that disgusting rosé wine.
- You said yes?
- No.
- Where's Leon?
- He's left. Tiffany
- We're leaving.
- What?
We need to change our destination,
and don't even think
about telling me that
the app doesn't let you do
that once the ride has ended.
Wow.
You just won an appeal
because you spotted a black
shoe on a grainy bit of CCTV
that you can't even see what's happening
in a video of your best friend?
What do you mean?
Of course she didn't say yes.
Look who I found.
Leon!
Would you like a drink?
Wow.
Mr. Prior, Mr. White.
Call me Johnny.
How long has it been?
Ooh, 63 years.
All thanks to Holly.
She was a true romantic
and stubborn as hell.
- To Holly.
- To Holly.
To Holly.
63 years.
I can't believe it.
That's because your perception of time
is relative to how
long you've been alive.
And you can't contemplate a period
of more than double your own life.
Hey, where's Leon gone?
I don't know.
And I thought Tiffany was coming.
You know he asked her out this morning.
On a date.
- A date?
- Yeah, yeah.
I mean, I couldn't believe it either.
And she said yes.
Oh, God.
I showed him the video.
What?
Tiffany Moore,
will you marry me?
She said yes!
She said yes!
What's the matter?
You look depressed.
I'm not depressed.
I'm
I should be extremely happy.
Well, why aren't you?
Okay.
The girl I like
Who is also his flatmate.
The one I met in Brighton.
Although they've only
actually met twice
Well, three times if
you include erectiongate.
Yeah. Thank you, Al.
So this morning,
I asked her out, like, on a date.
Ooh!
- She said yes.
- Ah!
And now, I find out
she's engaged to her ex.
Oh.
Oh, dear.
It's probably for the best.
We're too different.
We wouldn't work as a couple.
Like, she's attractive,
and funny, and clever,
but she's kind of all over the place.
I mean literally, with her stuff.
- You used to be like that.
- I was not!
You were a bloody nightmare
to share a dorm with.
Then again, I don't know
why she put up with me.
I get mad at her about stupid things
like emptying the rubbish and
turning off light switches.
Well, these things are important.
I told her to move out
when she was actually
trying to help my family.
I wouldn't share my earphones with her.
Of course she said yes to Justin.
I mean, yeah, he's controlling,
and yeah, he tried to get us evicted,
and yeah, he left his
boxers in my bedroom,
but he's got all the moves and the hair
and he rides a modern retro motorbike.
I wish them all the best.
I do.
You know, it was kind
of sweet in Brighton.
She said this thing.
"Everyone is quite fucked up,
but when I'm with you, I feel
a tiny bit less fucked up."
Well, that's nice.
Yeah.
Yeah, it was nice.
Oh, fuck!
It's not for the best, is it?
Great chat, everyone. Thank you.
- Voicemail.
- Look.
We need to find them
before they find each other.
Trust me, I know my brother,
and he's terrible at this stuff.
- What are you doing?
- I'm drinking your drink.
Now put your coat on, Maia.
Come on. Let's go find them.
So what's the quickest way to the flat?
Bus to Charing Cross, then
Northern Line, I reckon.
- We are not getting a bus.
- Come on.
Fuck!
Taxi!
To Hartshill Road, S-11.
- How many more floors?
- Two.
You can't get out here.
It's not a bus stop.
Look, I know this isn't a bus stop,
- but can you please just open the door?
- It's not safe.
I'm sorry. I have to do this.
Mate, it's for your own safety.
Come on!
Thanks. Keep the change.
We don't take cash!
Hey, move!
Move, you fucking asshole!
Whoa!
Fuck! You!
You're a dead man!
Tiffany!
Leon?
Oh, shit. Sorry, out of hours.
Uh, I'll come back at 8:00.
You can't say yes to Justin.
You said yes to me.
I mean to going on a date
with me, not to marry me,
but you can't marry him
if we're going on a date
- Leon
- Because that would be wrong.
Because I'm not marrying Justin.
- But
- Are you mad?
- What about the video?
- No, I didn't say yes.
Wait. Why aren't you at the pub?
Why are you so out of breath?
Because I had to tell you.
I live here, Leon.
I'm not going anywhere.
It's not that bad, is it?
And much more storage
space than you'd think
Hi. You must be Leon.
Rachel.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I've heard so much about you.
You know, the first thing
I heard about was your, um
Tiffany!
Oh, my God. Just give me one minute.
Tiffany, my love! Come on!
Tiffany! There you
are! Tiffy, let me in?
I'm sorry that I handled things badly.
Look, can't you see?
I love you. Can't you see?
We're meant to be together.
Nobody will ever love
you like I love you.
- Will you shut up?
- You shut up, old man!
I'm trying to declare
my undying love here.
Well, can't you do it quietly?
You need to leave now, Justin.
No, no, you're mine. And I am yours.
No, Justin. You're not mine.
And I'm certainly not yours.
I do regret having sex
with you that one time.
It doesn't mean that now
we belong to each other.
- Oh!
- No, no!
- You can take back your ring.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Okay?
- What are you doing?
That is literally your rent
for the next six months.
No, listen to me. I gave you time.
- So what, that's Tiffany's ex?
- Yeah.
Come on down. Let's
talk. Me and you! Please!
- Let's just calm down.
- I'm not calming down!
- Go away!
- Wow.
- He has lost his absolute shame.
- I've had enough of this.
What? What are you doing?
Ooh! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Get the fuck away from our flat!
Whoa!
No!
No, he just tried to kill me!
He just tried to kill me.
I'm calling the police.
You see that, yeah? You saw that?
What, harassment? Stalking?
Not to mention causing
a public nuisance.
Your friend is crazy.
I tried, but there's just
no saving someone like that.
I don't think she wants
you to save her, Justin.
What are you talking about?
She is gagging to be saved.
I can see that you're
struggling with reality.
It might be helpful to talk to somebody.
I am not yours, and I
don't want to be saved!
Maybe I do, but not by you.
And the only thing I'm gagging for
is a bucket of popcorn chicken!
So for the last time, fuck off!
You want a ride?
Go on.
Thank God for that.
Fuck!
A big ego.
Delusions of grandeur.
A lack of remorse, empathy, and shame.
Are you diagnosing Justin?
A classic narcissist.
Oh, my God, please diagnose me!
There's nothing wrong
you, Tiff. You're okay.
Hey, could I just ?
- So sorry.
- Oh, hey.
- You okay?
- Yeah.
- Well done for today.
- Thank you.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
So, um
you know, now that I'm not your client,
uh, do you maybe want to
go for a drink or something?
Actually, I'm spoken for.
Oh, mm-hmm.
Oh, I didn't mean no disrespect.
- I didn't know!
- It's fine.
It's actually, um
it's actually the first time
she's publicly acknowledged it,
so thank you.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Sorry. Can I talk to you for a sec?
- Uh, yeah.
- Okay, I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
I've been a self-centered dick.
And I'm actually really,
really happy for you both.
Thank you.
And I'm sorry for jumping to
conclusions about the video.
I mean, it did look like I said yes.
I mean, it did a bit, but
I should know you better.
I'm sorry.
He'd been deleting all my
messages from my friends.
- What?
- So I'm a dick,
but I'm not, like, a massive dick.
I mean, no, just a small, tiny dick.
So where you staying tonight, bro?
I thought I'd stay here.
Where, exactly?
Well, on the sofa, innit?
It's actually only
two-thirds of a sofa.
There's a full-length sofa at Mum's.
Are you joking with me?
You want me to stay with all them kids?
No chance.
Well, as long as you're comfortable.
Yeah, yeah. I'll be all right.
Great!
Guess I'll get you a blanket.
So do I still need
to sleep on the left
side of the bed tonight?
That depends.
You change the sheets?
- Okay, what's next?
- Um, you hold this.
- This way?
- Mm-hmm.
And I'm gonna just dip.
And then I'll be back.
- See you in a sec.
- Okay.
Oh, my.
- You good?
- Mm-hmm.
Thanks.
Gone for a run.
P.S. I fixed the tap.
You're welcome.
So do you want to move in together?
All right.
But I do have a few house rules.
Firstly, I do think
we should have a cat.
A cat is a big responsibility.
We could put the litter
tray on the balcony.
In fact, we could put your
litter tray on the balcony.
I'm not a cat!
Well, maybe you could start
by putting the loo seat down.
Oh, okay.
Well, maybe you could start
to turn off the lights.