The Full Monty (2023) s01e06 Episode Script

1
[WAVES LAPPING]
[CHILDREN LAUGHING]
["HERE COMES THAT FEELING" PLAYING]
Here comes that feeling
again, and it ain't right ♪
That lonely feeling that
came to me last night ♪
It hurts to see you in
the arms of my friend ♪
[CHILDREN LAUGHING, CHATTERING]
Here comes that lonely,
lonely feeling again ♪
I saw you last night in
a drive-in way downtown ♪
[WATER DRIPPING]
Locked in her arms, you
didn't know I was around ♪
Alone in my room, I
remember where you've been ♪
Here comes that lonely ♪
Lonely feeling again ♪
[GROANS]
[SIGHS] Shit.
I've gotta get rid if
that lonely feeling ♪
That makes me feel the way
I do when a day is done ♪
[PILOT LIGHT IGNITER CLICKING]
Someday you're gonna know
what it means to be lonesome ♪
You're gonna want me back ♪
[SIGHS]
Here comes that feeling
again, and it ain't right ♪
That lonely feeling that
came to me last night ♪
It hurts to see you ♪
[MUSIC ENDS]
Maybe you shouldn't be
doing all this driving.
Oh, no, it's not you.
The bump's an early riser.
I was online shopping at
five o'clock this morning.
You should see my hall, Horse.
Full of crap I've bought.
- Yeah, I know what you mean.
- [CHUCKLES]
See the Amazon courier
more than I see Guy.
- Are you all right?
- [SNIFFLES]
Don't mind me. It's just the hormones.
- Hey, are you sure?
- Yeah, of course. All good.
[HORSE] Oh, it's good of you to take me,
but I can't have you waiting about.
- I'll get a bus back. Honestly.
- [YVONNE] Oh, don't worry.
I'm not rushing back for anythin'.
Oh. Besides, when you come out,
you could do me a small favour.
I need someone to practise the Botox on.
[GIGGLES] You can't do it on
yourself when you're pregnant,
and you've got some tasty
worry lines I could sort out.
[STAMMERS] Guy?
Too busy. Anyway, he doesn't
seem to worry about anything.
No lines.
[STAMMERS] Yeah, yeah, okay. Yeah.
Aw, thanks, Horse!
You remind me of me grandad.
He used to let me put
ribbons in his hair.
[ADVISOR] Ms Dalton?
- Watch me carpet.
- Sorry, mate. Sorry.
- [CARPET FITTER] You all right?
- Yeah. Yeah.
[GRUNTS]
[SIGHS] [TELEPHONE RINGING IN DISTANCE]
[GROANS]
[GROANS] Shit.
I know you.
- [SIGHS]
- I know you.
- What?
- I know you.
I know you. Where do I know you from?
Um, Dickie Pump's Pub?
I'm banned.
Big Baps? Big No, banned.
Uh
Oh! Army! Were you in the
No? Fucking hell. I know ya. I know ya.
Oh, God. I never forget a face,
especially if I've seen it in uniform.
It's always in there.
I was a redcoat at Butlin's once.
Butlin's? No.
What's your name?
- Horse.
- Horse.
Oh, like the
[IMITATING GALLOPING] Yeah.
Hey, have you got a tab on you, mate?
- What?
- Got a tab? You know, a cig.
Or, uh, you know, I
won't mind a [WHISTLES]
I'm gagging.
[WORKER] Ticket number 50.
[SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE]
- [ANSWERPHONE BEEPS]
- [YVONNE] Guy, barely seen
each other all week.
Sweetheart, please call me back.
Darren!
Oh. Hello, Yvonne.
Uh, Darren, can you do me a big favour?
Horse is in the job
hub. Bob in and check
he's still alive, will
you? I've been here ages.
[STAMMERS] I've actually
got a meeting to go
With Guy?
Uh, uh, no. As a matter
of fact, it's with a
I should've gone in with him, really,
but they'd have my wheels
around here. Be a love.
Okay.
[WHISPERS] Thank you.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
Take a seat. Someone
will be with you in
quite a while, actually.
Oh, no, I'm I'm
just looking for, um
Oh, uh
Have you been sacked as well?
Uh, certainly not, uh, yet.
Um, no, uh, Y-Yvonne
w-was just wondering
Mr Mitchell!
That's me.
- Oh, uh, well But I
- See you.
Well, I'll I'll just sit down.
[JOY] Mind the carpet.
Take a seat.
[TYPING]
Got an HGV licence?
Well, I drive a, uh, mobility scooter.
There's some shelf stacking here.
W-What happened to
"The job of me dreams"?
Does warehouse work feature
in your dreams at all?
Can't I just stay on the Disability?
Well, you've been certified
fit for work, Mr Mitchell.
Well, I'm fit for nowt, love,
and I've got no money coming in.
You shouldn't have gotten
yourself sacked, then.
What you reading? [SNIFFLES]
Oh, it's, um It's
rather good, actually.
It's about the, uh, the
Women's Kurdish Militia.
I took on that lot in
Iraq. I mean, it was them
or some fucking terrorist
outfit, know what I mean?
Oh, uh, I think you'll find that
they're not actually terrorists.
Sorry, are you telling
me that I don't know
what I'm talking about? I
was there, mate. I was there.
No. I wouldn't dream
What have you got it for, then?
Uh, a friend lent it
to me. She was in it.
So, you are friends with these fuckers?
Well, no, actually. Not Not anymore.
You better not be.
Lend us a couple quid for some scram?
I, uh, I don't actually
carry cash these days.
Fucking contactless society, man.
It's just absolutely killed off begging.
Come on, mate. You must have a fiver.
- [TYPING]
- Well, how long is it gonna be
before I get me dole?
Mr Mitchell, do you remember
the Claimant Commitment you signed?
Yeah.
No.
Uh, well, maybe.
'Kay. In order to be eligible
for benefits, you signed
a Department for Work and
Pensions Claimant Commitment.
- Did I?
- You did.
And when you got sacked,
you broke that contract.
So you've been given a benefit sanction.
Is that good?
If you feel you've been
unfairly sanctioned,
you can challenge the
decision using form C68
or referring your complaint
to the local ombudsman.
What?
No benefit for eight weeks.
- No money?
- [JOY] Nope.
- [HORSE] But I
- Zero pounds, zero pence.
[TYPING]
[TELEPHONE RINGING IN DISTANCE]
[TYPING CONTINUES]
Okay, look, there is
a hardship allowance
or an emergency loan you can apply for
if you've any dependants
or you're pregnant.
Any children at all?
- No.
- Are you pregnant?
- Are you having a laugh?
- Well, we have to ask.
I've been on a course.
[RESUMES TYPING]
[SCOFFS] No.
So, it's an emergency loan you're after?
Well, I haven't eaten for
about three days, love.
I mean, is that not, like, an emergency?
[OPENS DRAWER]
Okay.
[PACKAGE RUSTLES]
What's that?
My lunch.
I'm supposed to be on a diet anyway.
[RESUMES TYPING]
No. Very kind of you, love,
but no. I can't take No.
Thank you. No. No!
Shit.
[GRUNTS, GROANS]
Mind me carpets.
Help me up onto this chair. Thanks.
Uh, right.
- [HORSE GROANING]
- What exactly are you
are you trying to do?
[GROANS] Right.
Okay.
Can I Can I have
your attention, please?
- Oi!
- [JOY] Oh! All right.
I came over here from
Liverpool in the '80s.
I worked, and I paid me stamps.
Roofing, tarmac laying,
whatever I could to work.
'Cause that's what I did. I worked.
Horse, can we talk about
this at ground level?
Won't take long. Promise.
But then me shoulders went, didn't they?
'Cause of the hod-carrying.
My knees got jiggered
because of the bricklaying.
And I've always had a dodgy chest
ever since I was a kid.
But I was all right, you know?
'Cause I got me sick
pay. I got me scooter.
Not a lot to live on,
but enough, you know?
Enough to get by.
All right, mate. Come on.
You've had your say, yeah?
No! No, I haven't.
[BYSTANDERS GASP, MURMUR]
But then things changed, you know?
People got, I don't know, mean.
Meaner than the Thatcher days,
and I never thought I'd say that.
And suddenly, I'm a scrounger.
That fucking hurts, that
word. Fucking scrounger.
They started poking round in me life.
Do I cook me own food?
How many times a night do I use
the toilet? Do I piss meself?
Are my knees still jiggered
after all these years of hard work,
or am I just fucking pretending?
'Cause we don't trust your type anymore.
Then I had to go to this
disability assessor
This "doctor" who says to me,
"Horse, mate, you're a miracle cure!
You're not disabled
anymore. You can work.
And if you don't work,
you don't fucking eat."
So, this is it.
- If I can't eat, I'm gonna die.
- Horse, no!
Well, at least maybe someone
will notice if I do it this way.
- Fucking right, mate.
- Sorry about the mess.
At least it's on the
old bit of carpet, hey?
[RETCHES] No, I can't
[BYSTANDERS GASP]
- Shit.
- [DARREN] Christ!
- [JOY] It's not you, Avi.
- You all right, mate?
I'd know what to do if he were drowning
or having a heart attack.
We didn't cover this in First Aid.
How do you know he's not
having a heart attack?
- Oh, shit!
- [JOY SIGHS]
- Do you think?
- Oh, come on, let's get him up.
Hey. Come on, give us a hand here.
- [JOY] Oh, God.
- Is he all right, Darren?
I don't know. I don't
know what is going on.
Well, you wouldn't, would
ya? I haven't eaten in days.
Got no gas to make a decent cup of tea.
And I've got no money to
feed the fucking meter!
Found it! Right.
You have just started
a revolution, mate.
I admire people like you,
people who change the world.
And you take this, right,
you get back up there,
and you finish the job.
Like the man says, you've
started, so you should finish.
- I'm I'm not sure now.
- No, no, no, listen.
Don't be put off by some wuss
who's scared of a bit of blood.
You are gonna go down in history.
Martin Luther King,
Gandhi, Che Guevara, Horse!
Hey, I'm not bothered
about going down in history.
Maybe I should give
the guy his knife back.
Ah, yeah. That's one option.
It's a bit disappointing.
Option two
[WHISPERS] we rob the fuckers.
But there's no money here, is there?
It's a dole office, isn't it?
Yeah, apart from the staff.
All right, folks! Uh, this is a robbery.
So, anyone on benefits,
you got two minutes
- to fuck off out of it.
- What's the matter with this
Wait Not Not Not Not you.
- But I'm on benefits as well.
- Get with the programme.
We're partners in crime now, right?
Definitely not Mr Fucking
Friend of the Islamic State.
Off you go! Go on!
- What are you doing? Go.
- I'm not on benefits.
Yeah, but you're a kid,
and you've got one leg.
- So?
- So, I'm not robbing a hop-a-long, am I?
Did someone call the police?
[ALL CLAMOURING]
I wouldn't go in there if I
was you. All sorts of weird.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
[SIGHS]
- Sorry.
- Ah, Jesus.
You're not very good at this, are ya?
Sorry.
Right, folks. Me friend
here's been fired.
I'm gonna come round
again. But this time,
we're gonna dig a bit deeper, all right?
So, as well as all major
credit cards, cash and phones,
I will also be taking jewellery,
recreational and
prescription drugs, cigs,
and all house and car keys. All right?
[BYSTANDERS GROAN]
Horse? You've been ages. Can we go?
Um
Hello. Having a robbery.
Sorry, are you pregnant?
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Ten minutes of lovin'.
[IMITATES POP] One in
the oven. [CHUCKLES]
Okay, right. What you got?
Yeah? Oh, aye, yeah. Oh,
yeah, now we're talkin'.
You.
Oh. [CHUCKLES] It's always
the quiet ones, isn't it?
What's this? This is
Is this whizz or posh?
- Posh.
- Posh? Posh and Prozac.
Whoa, cocktail hour. Beautiful.
Coke! You head up our
zero-tolerance drugs policy.
I confiscated it off a
client, we got rounded in,
- and then this all kicked off.
- What you got? Oh, no, no, no.
- Not that.
- [CARPET FITTER RETCHES]
A compass?
Well, batteries die,
and gadgets malfunction.
But you're never lost with a compass.
- Okay.
- [CLATTER]
Today.
- [CLATTER]
- Thank you.
Well, it's been lovely, folks,
but I'm gonna have to skedaddle.
Uh, let's stay in touch.
Christmas cards, et cetera.
So, thanks for all the goodies.
I'm just gonna say goodbye, so long,
auf Wiedersehen, ta-ra.
[SIREN WAILING]
[SIREN WAILING]
- Okay, give me the keys.
- [MANAGER] Hmm?
Give me the keys to the front door.
- Here, here.
- Which one is it?
- The blue one! The blue one.
- The blue one. Right.
- Don't move. Don't move.
- You hand over the keys?
[DOOR CLOSES]
[MANAGER] You're supposed to protect us!
You think I'm gonna get stabbed
for £9.50 an hour? [CHUCKLES]
- [KNOCKING]
- Get fucked, Saj.
- [OFFICER] Police!
- Right, back! You, get back.
Get back. Back in the room.
Back. You and all, back.
Okay, everyone stay calm. Don't worry.
We're gonna fuckin' come up with a plan.
- [KNOCKING CONTINUES]
- It's the police! Open the door!
Police!
Pictures of 'em all
over social media, Sarge.
Oh, shit.
- I know this one.
- Might need more backup?
No, no, no, no. He's
an harmless old fellow.
He can hardly bloody walk.
I can talk him out of there. Come on.
There goes my elevenses.
I've never seen so many happy pills.
You should try working here, love.
You should try signing on here.
[SNORTING]
Can I try some?
- Say please.
- Please.
[GRUNTS] No, you can't.
[AMPLIFIED VOICE] We're
police officers out here.
We know you've got a weapon.
We don't want this to end in tragedy.
- [HOSTAGE] Tragedy?
- Give yourselves up now.
Okay, so, we're gonna
need a plan, Horsey.
Well, my plan is to go
outside and apologise.
Yeah, I don't remember Che
Guevara doing that, though.
Come on, mate. You started this.
I know, I know. That's
why I'm going out.
No, no, you don't. You
sit down. Sit down! Okay?
- Fine, I'll come up with a plan.
- [TELEPHONE RINGING]
Uh. I just need to, um Uh
[PANTS] Fuck.
Fucking [GRUNTS]
- Shut up!
- [HOSTAGES EXCLAIM]
[IMITATES PHONE RINGING]
You know? Fucking hell!
Right. So, on account of the fact
that we are now surrounded by coppers,
you lot are all hostages!
And that is the plan.
[NEWS ANCHOR] We go
over live to Kate Brimmy
for a breaking news story.
And the main news in Yorkshire today
is an armed siege at a Sheffield Job Hub
where the employees
have been taken hostage
by two men wielding knives.
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]
- Nath!
- Hey, hey!
- Get back through to the line.
- Tell fucking jobsworth here
to get his hands off me!
It's all right, it's all
right. I'll deal with this.
- Stop behaving like a pillock.
- What?
Horse is in there.
Why do you think I'm here?
It's all over the bloody web.
I don't know what's going
on, kid, but I'll sort it.
[CHUCKLES] Have you been smoking puff?
There's a bloke with a
bloody knife in there, Dad.
Look, we're trained for this.
We know what we're doing.
- Now piss off.
- Yeah, great track record
the police have got at de-escalating.
What's the plan? Stun
grenades and tear gas, is it?
Back off, Dad.
PC Bond.
Get this man out of here, please.
Call the Alsatian off.
It's all right, Lee. It's all right.
- Sir.
- What?
Building plan has come
through. Back doors are chained,
but there might be another way in.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
- Horse! Horse!
- Horse, who's that?
Who the fuck is that?
Oh, that's me mate, Gaz.
Oh, is it?
Horse!
- Oi!
- Dad?
[NATHAN] Dad! Dad.
[GRUNTS] What you doing?
Aren't people supposed to break
out of sieges, not into 'em?
Fucking "Dad"? That copper
definitely said "Dad."
Okay, are you Plain Clothes Plod, mate?
- You what?
- Are you the Dibble in disguise?
I'm his dad for real!
I blame meself. Too
liberal a parent, you see.
Told him you can be anything you like.
Astronaut, footballer, whatever.
- He chooses policeman.
- You what?
- Kids, they break your heart.
- Do they?
You broke his heart, you
know! Wanker in a hat!
- Hello, Gaz.
- Darren! Yvonne.
It's like a party. [CHUCKLES]
So, uh, what's going on?
So far, the armed men
are refusing to
negotiate with the police.
We don't know what
their demands are yet.
- But we did see earlier
- [OFFICER] Oi! Come here!
the extraordinary sight
of a member of the public
joining the hostages
inside the building.
Our friend? Gaz?
Correct.
[DAVE] Might have known. Bloody typical.
But surely this begs the question:
Is the current police presence
enough to handle the situation?
[HORSE] So, it all
got a bit out of hand.
I mean, he sort of took over.
Yeah, well, that's 'cause
someone had to, didn't they?
'Cause you bottled it, Horse.
Look, the thing is, mate.
Right. I've done a robbery now.
I've sort of taken all of
these hostages. That's, like
That's, like, raised the stakes a bit.
- You know what I mean?
- [YVONNE] You could say that.
Did I ask for your opinion, sweetheart?
Have it for free.
And trust me, I'm not your sweetheart.
Wait Wait a minute. There's
an easy answer to this one.
Give everybody their shit back.
Won't be a robbery, will it?
[JOY] Oh, that's good.
[SAJID] Mmm.
What about the knife?
- Anybody see a knife?
- No.
'Cause if nobody saw you with a knife,
wouldn't be a crime, would there?
[MILLER] Mmm.
I was just fitting the carpet.
Yeah, yeah, but, um
Moment of madness,
Horse. We all have 'em.
[STAMMERS] And you did
it to harm yourself.
Yeah. True. That's true. Yeah.
- Good. Are we all good?
- [HOSTAGE 1] Yeah. Absolutely.
Quickest way to get home in time
for tea and Eastenders.
And what what about
the hostage taking?
- What hostage taking?
- Yeah, what hostage taking?
Maybe I took my lunch break
at my desk. A long lunch break.
Maybe she did. She was here
because she wanted to be
- Yeah.
- as were we all.
- Absolutely.
- Yeah, and who wouldn't want
to spend their day in our Job Hub?
Exactly. A sentiment I
can only agree with, sir.
Now, did anyone else feel
in the least bit hostage-y?
- Not at all.
- No.
I did.
Is it all right to kick a child?
[HOSTAGE 2] Fucking hell.
Now, uh, the lost property bin here.
Give it all back.
So, if I just, like, get the bin.
And give it back.
- Just gonna give it back.
- Mmm.
I'm giving it back.
Nine grand's worth of
engagement ring there.
[WHISPERS] 1.8 carats.
- Bag of carrots, more like.
- I'm sorry?
[BLOWS] Rounded edges,
failed the fog test.
Paste. Good paste, but,
uh, give you 150 quid tops.
And what would you know
about diamond jewellery?
One of the few advantages
of having an ex-burglar
as a husband, love.
Do you know, c-can I keep the coke?
Yeah. Yeah. It's not
like it was mine, anyway.
Brilliant. Love coke, me.
Aw
I'm on a repeat prescription, love.
Plenty more where they came from.
That's magic.
Grand. We're out of here!
Sarge.
He's bloody done it.
All good here.
[SIREN WAILING]
Back in! Back in! Back in. Back in.
- Fuck.
- Get back.
[AMPLIFIED VOICE] You're
surrounded by armed officers.
- Come out with your hands up.
- [DOOR CLOSES]
Fuck off!
[NATHAN] For God's sake,
they were coming out!
Cheers, pal.
Okay, what now, brainiac?
I don't fancy getting shot.
- [BREATHING HEAVILY]
- Easy, mate.
I'm sorry, Gaz. Haven't eaten in days.
- All right.
- Ooh, now that you mention it,
this morning's muesli
seems a long time ago.
And I threw up me breakfast.
[AVI] Yeah, I'm pretty hungry,
actually. I I would eat.
- Yeah. I would eat.
- [HOSTAGES CLAMOURING]
All right, all right.
I'll order a takeaway!
I'm opening negotiations.
[AVI] And could you get us a cake?
Nathan, kid, we'll talk
about those fuckers with guns
in a minute, but right now,
do you have a pen handy?
Pineapple on a pizza.
Try asking for that in
Sicily. See what you get.
Concrete wellies, that's what.
You're not taking them
in yourself, Lomper,
- and that's final.
- I am. They're my friends.
I know how these things end.
I'll be walking behind
a horse-drawn hearse
in widow's garb.
You'd get me a horse-drawn carriage?
- Certainly.
- Thanks, love.
[DENNIS] And the catering
will be magnificent.
I'm not dead yet.
Well, it never hurts to plan ahead.
Oh! Now, if they think they
can demand gluten-free bread
at such short notice, they've
another thought coming.
A touch of IBS is the
least of their worries.
Hey, since when did you bloody smoke?
Since I was about to get gunned down
in a hail of bullets, that's when.
Customer left them.
Oh, my legs are like jelly.
I told you not to come.
There's a principle at stake.
I have a duty to the man I
love. Even if it kills me.
You've got a duty, all right.
This is the last of the lemon drizzle.
You have a duty to go
back and bake another one.
'Cause when we're finished here,
I'm gonna eat the whole bloody thing.
- Now, come on.
- What? A-Are you coming with me?
Well, you can't carry all
this on your tod, can ya?
Let's go.
If owt bad happens,
look after the pigeons.
If you let anything bad happen,
your pigeons are going
on the bloody menu
with a redcurrant and beetroot sauce.
I love you.
Right, so leave the food at the door,
ascertain the state of the hostages,
and walk slowly back here.
- Are we clear?
- [BOTH] Clear.
Right. On you go. Go on.
[SIGHS]
[AMPLIFIED VOICE]
The food is coming in.
Hand it over.
Hang on a minute. How you doing, Horse?
Been better, to be honest,
lads. Not feeling all that great.
- Shift, you. Go on. Shift.
- [MILLER] Hey! Watch my foot.
- [DAVE] Comin' in.
- Hey!
[LOCKS DOOR]
What is wrong with them all?
[CHEERING]
Whoa! Whoa, whoa!
You can't bring food
into this area, really.
Oh! You're welcome to watch, Saj.
Very popular siege, this, isn't it?
You sure they're not coppers?
I definitely recognise him. And him.
And him, too.
I know you lot from somewhere.
I just can't fucking It's
doing me fucking head in.
Pineapple on pizza. Marvellous. Mmm.
That were you? For God's
sake, don't tell Dennis,
he'll send armed coppers in himself.
- Is this gluten-free?
- No.
[SNIFFS]
What are you doing here?
I'm just Deliveroo, me.
I'd like to hear your excuse, though.
Thought Horse was in trouble.
Oh. And it's Gaz to the
rescue, again, is it?
How's that working out for you?
Lemon drizzle, anybody?
Oh, aye. Fucking hell
yes, mate. That's mine.
Here, you have that one.
Lemon drizzle's gone.
Fucking love lemon drizzle.
[CHEWS, MOANS]
[MILLER, MOUTH FULL] You
know what? I've not had this
since me uncle Mike was
released from prison for arson.
[MOANS, CHEWS]
[DAVE] Okay. Uh, this one is pepperoni.
[NATHAN] It's Miller. He's got demands.
He wants a fully fuelled Ford Focus RS2.
Ah. Good choice.
Safe passage to
Newark Sorry, New York.
In a Ford Focus?
Coke, antidepressants
and more pizza with pineapple.
It's gonna be a long day.
[DAVE] That lemon drizzle
cake certainly shut him up.
Hey. Guy never told us you were
eating for two. Good for you.
Yeah, congrats.
What, three days in Budapest,
and Guy never mentioned it once?
- Budapest?
- Guy's stag do.
Stag do? You're getting wed?
[YVONNE] What? Of course. What
- You've RSVP'd, for starters.
- Have I?
Said you can't come 'cause
you and Jean are off to Crete.
- Still waiting for your reply.
- [STAMMERS]
Darren, you work with
him. He must have told you.
- In In Budapest?
- No. You didn't go.
[INHALES DEEPLY] Let everybody
down at the last minute.
And you never put your hand
in your pocket all weekend.
Well, now, that's nice, I must say.
Refused to go in the spa
because it was 67 quid a session.
[STAMMERS] It does sound a lot.
And the things you got up to
with that barmaid in the hotel.
I'm surprised you're still
on the guest list. [CHUCKLES]
- When did we go again?
- Two weekends ago!
- Surprised I could afford it.
- No. You couldn't.
Guy paid for your ticket,
and Gaz hijacked one
of those golf buggies to get you
through the airport. [CHUCKLES]
- Cheers, Gaz.
- You're welcome.
Yvonne, love.
We, uh
[DAVE CLEARS THROAT]
You didn't go?
Budapest. What? N-None of you?
You really didn't eat
that 32-ounce steak
that got everyone free drinks?
I would definitely have
remembered that. Sorry.
He sent me texts about what
you were all getting up to.
Came back utterly shagged out
from your antics. Oh, my God.
Sounds like a great weekend.
Real bender.
Can't believe I didn't go.
Guy's a compulsive liar, isn't he?
I knew he massaged the truth a bit,
but this is industrial scale.
I'm supposed to be marrying him.
Perhaps he's having
some sort of breakdown.
It's a highly pressurised
environment at Excello
Don't stick up for him! You
didn't even get an invite
to his imaginary stag do!
M-Maybe you two can have a little chat
once we're out of here, eh?
It'll be more than a chat.
Hey, where are you going?
Toilet! Just try and stop me.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS IN BACKGROUND]
Right, ladies and gents, now
we've all had a bite to eat,
may I suggest we draw this
happy gathering to a close?
What do you say?
Shall we all move towards the exit
in a quiet and orderly manner?
Oi! Oi! Whose siege is this?
No, no, no, no, mate. I-I-I
don't wanna tread on your toes,
but you see, we've all had enough now.
So, why don't you just give us the keys?
Back off, mate.
All good sieges have to come
to an end sometime, mate.
- Don't come at me.
- Give us the keys.
Don't come at me.
Don't Don't come at me.
- Give us the keys.
- Don't fucking come at me!
[GAZ SHOUTS] Fuck!
Look, I don't like it
when people come at me!
- [GROANS]
- [JOY] Is he all right?
[DAVE] Get him sat down.
Hurry up. Here we go.
Oh, shit.
I said, didn't I? I
said don't come at me.
[HOSTAGE] Help him. Go on.
Help him. He needs help.
Press against the wound.
Right. Harder, that's it.
Keep your arm elevated. Come on.
- Shit!
- First aid kit!
Yeah. Now, where was it?
Dave Dave, I'm bleeding.
Yeah, press hard against it. Press hard.
- Cool.
- [GROANS]
Get back in your box,
you, or I'll clock you.
Oh, Dave. Feeling a bit weird now, Dave.
Is it bad? [GROANS]
It's not fatal. You'll live
to piss us all off another day.
- You sure? [PANTING]
- If it's the last thing I do,
my friend.
[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]
[YVONNE GROANS]
- [BREATHES DEEPLY]
- Are you all right, love?
Yeah, fine. I just need to sit down.
I'm I'm fine.
[DAVE] I'll get you some water.
Fuck! Hey! Hey, hey, hey! I've got it!
Uh, it's you, you, you and you!
Uh, fucking men in uniform!
Security guards' uniforms!
In that Working Man's Club.
About a billion years ago.
Oh.
- Strippers!
- [LOMPER] What?
You were! Strippers! Fucking yes!
They were, like, really
bad strippers, but, like,
really good and all. They
went all the way. They did!
I've seen your penis, haven't I?
How did you see? It was
supposed to be women only.
Snuck in the back with Bodger,
didn't I? Fucking strippers.
I knew it. I told you.
Never forget a face.
- Are you still doing it?
- What do you think?
[YVONNE] Oh, no, no, no.
This doesn't feel right.
It can't come now.
It would be too early.
There you go. There you go.
We need to get you out of here.
- Come on, lads.
- Hey, hey! Do the dance.
For them. Go on, do the dance.
Can barely walk, mate.
Oh, come on. Since you're all here.
We're a couple short, actually.
It was 25 years ago,
and you've just tried to
fucking kill me. So, no
- Do you know what?
- [JOY] Oh, Christ!
That everyone is forgetting
whose gig this is.
- Now, I asked you nicely.
- [YVONNE GROANS]
So, do the fucking dance.
Well, maybe we can remember
the fundamentals, right?
You what? You on the Charlie as well?
Oh. Liven things up.
Cheer folk up a bit.
Yeah, that's right.
The fucking big guy's
got the right idea. Now, fucking do it.
Right. Clear some space. Come on.
Is this more, uh, imaginary stuff?
You know, like Yvonne's stag do?
Yes. Yvonne. Exactly.
Listen. Lads, lads.
- Cover your eyes, kid.
- We've got a pregnant woman
in trouble here. I'm not
having her losing the baby
because of that dickhead.
Right, I'm gonna need
- your high vis and your hat.
- [MILLER GROANS]
Come on. Get in a line, lads.
Fucking knew it. Fucking knew it.
- Should I join in?
- Why not?
Can't be any worse than
what we're about to do.
How long is it since we
- [DAVE] Right.
- Haven't a clue.
- [GROANS]
- Right. Come on then, lads.
[SNIFFLES] Let's have it
then. Like it was. Come on.
[ALL HUMMING "YOU CAN
LEAVE YOUR HAT ON"]
Wait, wait. Wait a
minute, wait a minute.
- The music on the phone.
- [DAVE] Aye.
No need to get any fucking ideas, mate.
["YOU CAN LEAVE YOUR
HAT ON" PLAYING ON PHONE]
Oh, yeah! This is what they played.
This is it, right? Gonna be good.
I'm telling you. I've seen it.
I just remember it being
a bit better than this.
Hey! Have I to put it
through the speaker?
Yeah, 'cause this is dog shit.
It's gonna be all right, this.
They're dead good, I promise ya.
Honestly, it's better than this.
You just warmed up,
right? You just warmed up.
["YOU CAN LEAVE YOUR HA
ON" PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]
Fucking yes, come on! Here we go!
Dance!
[MILLER] Better. Yes, lads!
Yeah, take it off.
Baby, take off your coat ♪
Go on, lads.
Real slow ♪
Go on. Spin it! Oh, yes.
Go on. Fucking hell. Go on.
- Shoes, shoes!
- That's it. Come on. Yes!
I'll help you take off your shoes ♪
[GROANS] Oh! Yes! Fuck!
Do you know what I mean?
Belt! Belt! Belt!
[MILLER] Yeah, go on now! Sexy walk!
Yes, yes, yes ♪
It's like 3D!
You can leave your hat on ♪
Oh, yeah! Go on! Show us your pits!
You can leave your hat on ♪
[GRUNTS] Whoa!
Get off me! Ow! Ow!
- Ow!
- Keys!
- Right!
- Move along now.
- [GASPS] Thank you.
- [OFFICER] Go, go, go!
I I can't breathe.
- [GASPS]
- Horse! You all right, mate?
Police! Nobody move! Nobody move!
Stay down! Stay down! Do not move!
Armed police. Do not move!
Yeah ♪
[MUSIC ENDS]
You never catch me
wasting the morning ♪
I got a lot of time
to take these days ♪
What have you got that I am missing? ♪
I guess you're missing the
point I'm trying to make ♪
[VOCALISING]
Here they come ♪
Watch them roll ♪
City lights ♪
Shining gold ♪
Seven hills and a million souls ♪