The Girl's Guide to Depravity (2012) s01e06 Episode Script
Rule 21: The Magic Pussy Rule
- Hello.
- Hey.
Hi.
Liz, it's drew.
Oh.
I'm actually outside.
Hey.
Would it be okay if I came in? Yeah, yeah, sure, come on up.
Sorry to call out of the blue.
I just No, no, yeah.
I'm getting you now.
Okay, bye.
Shh Sorry it's so last minute.
I thought this was a Booty call.
It is.
You just started faster than I was expecting.
Then catch up with me.
Shoes.
Fuck, I missed you.
Yes, yes.
Oh, no.
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
I don't get it.
That guy could get any woman he wants.
She must be his sugar momma.
Or not.
Seriously, what is he doing with her? She must have a magic pussy.
What? What? What the hell is a magic pussy? I don't know, but I want one.
Here you are, ladies.
A magic pussy, is when a woman withholds sex for so long, to get what she wants, that the guy puts her pussy on a pedestal.
Um, no, no, no.
A magic pussy is a pussy that's so amazing, a man will do absolutely anything to have it.
It's so otherworldly, that he'll ruin his career, his whole life, just for a single night.
No, wait, wait, wait.
Maybe a magic pussy is one of those girls, that squirts when she comes.
You know, like in porn.
What the fuck is that? Did you just pee on me? No, it's not pee, it's just That is disgusting.
You're disgusting.
No, that's definitely not it.
Last call.
Oh, hello.
My name's I love you.
Yes, please.
Yeah, it usually works.
Do you think she has a magic pussy? Oh, yeah.
You stick your dick in it and poof, your hard-on disappears.
We shouldn't laugh, that'll probably be us in about 10 years.
The fuck it will.
You know what, we're gonna unravel the mystery of the magic pussy and get any guy we want dying to get a taste of our poon.
And then what? And then what, what? All day long, I think of new ways to sell ideas or people or whatever and I never stop to ask, why or if it's a good thing.
Uh-huh, so? So we get this magic pussy.
And we have a truckload of guys just dying for a taste of it.
Yeah.
Yeah, sounds good.
Is that it? Are we just thinking of new ways to fuck and make it more interesting? Oh, Samantha, what are you doing? At least sienna had an end game.
She fell in love.
Is that what you want? Do you? I know, but It's the address, right? Oh, look.
Are you sure that this is the place? The lady on the phone said.
Hi, welcome to tantric for beginners.
Come on in.
Please make yourselves comfortable.
Fuck.
Oh.
She said bring a buddy.
I didn't know she meant fuck buddy.
Awkward.
Com.
Just a tiny bit.
Today, we're gonna learn the magic of sexual connection, sexual energy, and sexual satisfaction.
We're just here to learn about the magic of the poon, thank you very much.
First, you must harmonize.
Too bad I didn't bring my skin flute to join in.
As he breathes out, I breathe in, taking in the essence of his inner being.
Hopefully not the essence of the veggie burger he had for lunch.
I'm sorry.
Oh, really? Now, we will begin the sacred act of love making.
Finally.
Remember, it's not about an orgasm, it's about a deeper spiritual and emotional connection to your partner.
Remember to always maintain eye contact.
I'm sorry, but, are you doing something special that we can't see with your cha-cha, right now? I'm doing something special with my chakra, not my cha-cha.
Holy shit! You rock my world! Damn.
For all that enlightenment, Buddhists have zero sense of humor.
That had to be a magic pussy.
Are you kidding me? That guy had a monster case of blue balls, a stiff breeze could have made him come.
Come on.
Let's go get a drink.
A stiff one.
Ah! How dare Tyler take a night off.
Who's gonna slip us free shots? Tough break, Jason, it looks like you're buying.
Would happily, but I'm tapped out.
Bought a new bed.
Got the feeling I'm gonna meet someone soon.
Speaking of, have you ever encountered a magic pussy? Jason thinks all pussies are magical.
Seriously, you're a man who's wandered the world a bit.
What have you seen in your travels? I would say that my penis has come into contact with a magic vagina, per se.
When I backpacked through Thailand, I saw girls do things with their hoo-has.
They could shoot darts and hit a target.
There was this one girl So not helpful.
How am I ever gonna get a magic pussy if I don't know what it is? I used to have a magic pussy.
You had a magic pussy? What is it? And how did you lose it? Oh, my God.
It was fan-fucking-tastic.
I could get any man I wanted.
Rich, famous, insanely hot.
They couldn't get enough of me.
I was with this one guy, who wasn't only rich, famous and insanely hot, but he would do anything for me.
And not just in the bedroom.
He was hooked.
I knew no matter what I did, he would always come back for more.
Come on, Cheyenne.
Ah! How can you do this to me? Cheyenne! Well, I guess that's not entirely true.
Got knocked up by another man.
Couldn't lie and say the baby was his and he broke up with me.
I'll do anything, just don't go.
After I had that baby, I was never the same.
The magic was gone.
Having that kid ruined my magic pussy.
I'm sorry, so what exactly did you say a magic pussy was? You try pushing a watermelon out of your cooch and see if it's ever the same.
Well, that's 10 minutes of my life I'll never recover.
New rule, I'm never having children.
Ooh, darts.
Kate.
They delivered this book to me, I think by mistake.
Thanks.
Those books don't work, you know.
Maybe not for you.
Look, I'm just saying that instead on focusing on finding a husband, maybe you should try and have a little fun before you turn 30.
Yeah, sounds like you're having a lot of fun.
You think she has a magic pussy? When you look like that, you don't need a magic pussy.
She's coming.
She can't hug us both at once.
Stand next to me.
Hey, girls.
Hey.
Kaylie? You okay? I guess.
My boyfriend and I just broke up last night.
Aw! Did he cheat on you? Did you turn him gay? Mmm, nothing like that.
I guess we just didn't have as much in common as I thought.
Sorry, sweetie.
That sucks.
Whatever, I'll have a new one by tomorrow.
So, what are you girls up to? We're trying to solve the mystery of the magic pussy.
Yeah, do you know what a magic pussy is? Well, of course.
You do? Yeah, isn't it that pet cat that girl in all the wizard movies has? Must be blissful to be an idiot.
I'm jealous.
Magic is all about illusion, right? We could get vajazzled.
Pick up a couple of guys and see if they are stunned by the illusion, of our sparkling vaginae.
Eh, vajazzling is so 2010.
Okay.
There's this place in koreatown that does a vaginal steam bath, it's supposed to give it all these superpowers and shit.
Super pussy? Let's try it.
Your vag could use a good steam clean, anyway.
So we give our cooches a magical bath, pick up a couple of guys and see if they come back for more.
Has it really come to that? It's Sunday.
Would you rather watch football? This feels like the time we crowd surfed at coachella.
This feels like when out Saint Bernard used to hide under the table and huff his hot doggy breath up my skirt at dinner.
Ew.
This feels like the time your grandma removed her dentures to go down on me.
Ew! Ew! I know, too much, huh? Just a tad.
Excuse me.
This is supposed to give us special pussy powers, right? Be careful, you get too close to the pot, your lady bits get burned.
But this is supposed to be magic, right? Not magic, holistic.
But yes, I've heard of miracles happening after treatment.
Oh, like what? Sometimes, women who can't get pregnant, suddenly poof! Bun in the oven.
Aw, hell no.
I've heard of genitals being on fire before, but this is ridiculous.
I'm so sorry, she said the p word and I just freaked.
Ah, snatch better not have heat stroke.
At least you can go out and try your freshly steamed vag and see if it works.
No way.
With my luck, I'll get preggers and my magic-free vagina will lose any kind of powers it does have.
My mom thinks it's bad enough that I'm 27 and single, she'd disown me if I was 27, single and knocked up.
Don't even waste your breath, douche, we're closed for business.
Why is everyone looking at us? Because the minute you stop looking for it, is the minute guys start throwing their dicks at you.
Is that the secret of the magic pussy? Act like you don't want it? No, because when you do that, the minute you give in, they don't want it any more.
Jeez, it's like trying to find the holy grail.
Yeah, I can use that and some holy water to cool my vag.
Don't look at it.
It's not funny.
It's a little bit funny.
No! It's not funny.
I'm doing the fucking pee-pee dance here.
I hope you do get knocked up.
It's been five days and one burnt vag and we're still not any closer to unraveling the myth of the magic pussy.
I'd like to uncover the myth of why this pussy keeps following us around like a puppy dog.
What? You asked me to join you.
She's just kidding, j.
Maybe it's like sighting big foot or loch ness.
There's no proof of the magic pussy.
A magic what? A magic pussy.
It's like that thing, a not-so-special woman has that can pull in any man.
Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
How do you know it's a magic pussy and not a magic mouth? I went to college with this girl susie, she'd brag about how she gave the best blow jobs at the university of Illinois.
And to illustrate she would grab ginormous things and stick them in her mouth.
I mean, susie wasn't exactly a top model, but she could get any guy she wanted and every guy I wanted.
None of us got it.
I mean, her name was susie for fuck's sake, After all, a cooch is just a cooch, but a mouth can do so much more.
Well, sure, leave it to a gay guy to say a bj is better than the va-Jay-Jay.
I've had both, can you say that? Bet you can't.
I've neither been a party to nor a participant in the giving or receiving of a blow job.
Ever.
I'm gonna hit the head.
You think? Who didn't experiment a little at camp? I'll bet he didn't.
Hmmm.
Are you gonna go talk to him? He can come talk to me.
Damn straight.
Hmmm.
So, are you still trying to be the bigger bitch? Nah, those days are done.
Tell me something, you come in here like you're at peace with the world.
What's your story? What do you picture? You've got some creative gig.
Ah, calloused.
You work with your hands.
Maybe I'm a bricklayer.
More like a Glass blower.
Then what? You get women.
And I don't mean that you can hook up with them, because I know you can.
But you really get us.
You have sisters.
You're a little brother.
Now, really wow me.
You know the secret of the magic pussy.
Indeed, I do.
What is it? Confidence.
Hey, hon.
Let's grab a booth at the back.
By the way, you were close.
Whatever happened to "he can come to me"? Sensed he wouldn't.
I miss drew.
Is it drew that you miss or just being in a relationship? Both.
Not that I have much experience in this department, but Getting over an ex takes time and lots of rebound sex.
Your rule.
Think he's in love with his new little girlfriend? That punk tween? Please.
She's just a rebound.
But it is probably a nice change for him, to have a conversation with someone who doesn't use all those big words he can't understand.
That's 'cause I'm a lawyer.
Come on, girl, let's get out of here.
What do you feel like doing? Throwing rocks in lake Michigan.
I am in.
Like fifth grade.
Can we change shoes? Absolutely.
Let's go.
Guess we can't take these with us, can we?
- Hey.
Hi.
Liz, it's drew.
Oh.
I'm actually outside.
Hey.
Would it be okay if I came in? Yeah, yeah, sure, come on up.
Sorry to call out of the blue.
I just No, no, yeah.
I'm getting you now.
Okay, bye.
Shh Sorry it's so last minute.
I thought this was a Booty call.
It is.
You just started faster than I was expecting.
Then catch up with me.
Shoes.
Fuck, I missed you.
Yes, yes.
Oh, no.
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
I don't get it.
That guy could get any woman he wants.
She must be his sugar momma.
Or not.
Seriously, what is he doing with her? She must have a magic pussy.
What? What? What the hell is a magic pussy? I don't know, but I want one.
Here you are, ladies.
A magic pussy, is when a woman withholds sex for so long, to get what she wants, that the guy puts her pussy on a pedestal.
Um, no, no, no.
A magic pussy is a pussy that's so amazing, a man will do absolutely anything to have it.
It's so otherworldly, that he'll ruin his career, his whole life, just for a single night.
No, wait, wait, wait.
Maybe a magic pussy is one of those girls, that squirts when she comes.
You know, like in porn.
What the fuck is that? Did you just pee on me? No, it's not pee, it's just That is disgusting.
You're disgusting.
No, that's definitely not it.
Last call.
Oh, hello.
My name's I love you.
Yes, please.
Yeah, it usually works.
Do you think she has a magic pussy? Oh, yeah.
You stick your dick in it and poof, your hard-on disappears.
We shouldn't laugh, that'll probably be us in about 10 years.
The fuck it will.
You know what, we're gonna unravel the mystery of the magic pussy and get any guy we want dying to get a taste of our poon.
And then what? And then what, what? All day long, I think of new ways to sell ideas or people or whatever and I never stop to ask, why or if it's a good thing.
Uh-huh, so? So we get this magic pussy.
And we have a truckload of guys just dying for a taste of it.
Yeah.
Yeah, sounds good.
Is that it? Are we just thinking of new ways to fuck and make it more interesting? Oh, Samantha, what are you doing? At least sienna had an end game.
She fell in love.
Is that what you want? Do you? I know, but It's the address, right? Oh, look.
Are you sure that this is the place? The lady on the phone said.
Hi, welcome to tantric for beginners.
Come on in.
Please make yourselves comfortable.
Fuck.
Oh.
She said bring a buddy.
I didn't know she meant fuck buddy.
Awkward.
Com.
Just a tiny bit.
Today, we're gonna learn the magic of sexual connection, sexual energy, and sexual satisfaction.
We're just here to learn about the magic of the poon, thank you very much.
First, you must harmonize.
Too bad I didn't bring my skin flute to join in.
As he breathes out, I breathe in, taking in the essence of his inner being.
Hopefully not the essence of the veggie burger he had for lunch.
I'm sorry.
Oh, really? Now, we will begin the sacred act of love making.
Finally.
Remember, it's not about an orgasm, it's about a deeper spiritual and emotional connection to your partner.
Remember to always maintain eye contact.
I'm sorry, but, are you doing something special that we can't see with your cha-cha, right now? I'm doing something special with my chakra, not my cha-cha.
Holy shit! You rock my world! Damn.
For all that enlightenment, Buddhists have zero sense of humor.
That had to be a magic pussy.
Are you kidding me? That guy had a monster case of blue balls, a stiff breeze could have made him come.
Come on.
Let's go get a drink.
A stiff one.
Ah! How dare Tyler take a night off.
Who's gonna slip us free shots? Tough break, Jason, it looks like you're buying.
Would happily, but I'm tapped out.
Bought a new bed.
Got the feeling I'm gonna meet someone soon.
Speaking of, have you ever encountered a magic pussy? Jason thinks all pussies are magical.
Seriously, you're a man who's wandered the world a bit.
What have you seen in your travels? I would say that my penis has come into contact with a magic vagina, per se.
When I backpacked through Thailand, I saw girls do things with their hoo-has.
They could shoot darts and hit a target.
There was this one girl So not helpful.
How am I ever gonna get a magic pussy if I don't know what it is? I used to have a magic pussy.
You had a magic pussy? What is it? And how did you lose it? Oh, my God.
It was fan-fucking-tastic.
I could get any man I wanted.
Rich, famous, insanely hot.
They couldn't get enough of me.
I was with this one guy, who wasn't only rich, famous and insanely hot, but he would do anything for me.
And not just in the bedroom.
He was hooked.
I knew no matter what I did, he would always come back for more.
Come on, Cheyenne.
Ah! How can you do this to me? Cheyenne! Well, I guess that's not entirely true.
Got knocked up by another man.
Couldn't lie and say the baby was his and he broke up with me.
I'll do anything, just don't go.
After I had that baby, I was never the same.
The magic was gone.
Having that kid ruined my magic pussy.
I'm sorry, so what exactly did you say a magic pussy was? You try pushing a watermelon out of your cooch and see if it's ever the same.
Well, that's 10 minutes of my life I'll never recover.
New rule, I'm never having children.
Ooh, darts.
Kate.
They delivered this book to me, I think by mistake.
Thanks.
Those books don't work, you know.
Maybe not for you.
Look, I'm just saying that instead on focusing on finding a husband, maybe you should try and have a little fun before you turn 30.
Yeah, sounds like you're having a lot of fun.
You think she has a magic pussy? When you look like that, you don't need a magic pussy.
She's coming.
She can't hug us both at once.
Stand next to me.
Hey, girls.
Hey.
Kaylie? You okay? I guess.
My boyfriend and I just broke up last night.
Aw! Did he cheat on you? Did you turn him gay? Mmm, nothing like that.
I guess we just didn't have as much in common as I thought.
Sorry, sweetie.
That sucks.
Whatever, I'll have a new one by tomorrow.
So, what are you girls up to? We're trying to solve the mystery of the magic pussy.
Yeah, do you know what a magic pussy is? Well, of course.
You do? Yeah, isn't it that pet cat that girl in all the wizard movies has? Must be blissful to be an idiot.
I'm jealous.
Magic is all about illusion, right? We could get vajazzled.
Pick up a couple of guys and see if they are stunned by the illusion, of our sparkling vaginae.
Eh, vajazzling is so 2010.
Okay.
There's this place in koreatown that does a vaginal steam bath, it's supposed to give it all these superpowers and shit.
Super pussy? Let's try it.
Your vag could use a good steam clean, anyway.
So we give our cooches a magical bath, pick up a couple of guys and see if they come back for more.
Has it really come to that? It's Sunday.
Would you rather watch football? This feels like the time we crowd surfed at coachella.
This feels like when out Saint Bernard used to hide under the table and huff his hot doggy breath up my skirt at dinner.
Ew.
This feels like the time your grandma removed her dentures to go down on me.
Ew! Ew! I know, too much, huh? Just a tad.
Excuse me.
This is supposed to give us special pussy powers, right? Be careful, you get too close to the pot, your lady bits get burned.
But this is supposed to be magic, right? Not magic, holistic.
But yes, I've heard of miracles happening after treatment.
Oh, like what? Sometimes, women who can't get pregnant, suddenly poof! Bun in the oven.
Aw, hell no.
I've heard of genitals being on fire before, but this is ridiculous.
I'm so sorry, she said the p word and I just freaked.
Ah, snatch better not have heat stroke.
At least you can go out and try your freshly steamed vag and see if it works.
No way.
With my luck, I'll get preggers and my magic-free vagina will lose any kind of powers it does have.
My mom thinks it's bad enough that I'm 27 and single, she'd disown me if I was 27, single and knocked up.
Don't even waste your breath, douche, we're closed for business.
Why is everyone looking at us? Because the minute you stop looking for it, is the minute guys start throwing their dicks at you.
Is that the secret of the magic pussy? Act like you don't want it? No, because when you do that, the minute you give in, they don't want it any more.
Jeez, it's like trying to find the holy grail.
Yeah, I can use that and some holy water to cool my vag.
Don't look at it.
It's not funny.
It's a little bit funny.
No! It's not funny.
I'm doing the fucking pee-pee dance here.
I hope you do get knocked up.
It's been five days and one burnt vag and we're still not any closer to unraveling the myth of the magic pussy.
I'd like to uncover the myth of why this pussy keeps following us around like a puppy dog.
What? You asked me to join you.
She's just kidding, j.
Maybe it's like sighting big foot or loch ness.
There's no proof of the magic pussy.
A magic what? A magic pussy.
It's like that thing, a not-so-special woman has that can pull in any man.
Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
How do you know it's a magic pussy and not a magic mouth? I went to college with this girl susie, she'd brag about how she gave the best blow jobs at the university of Illinois.
And to illustrate she would grab ginormous things and stick them in her mouth.
I mean, susie wasn't exactly a top model, but she could get any guy she wanted and every guy I wanted.
None of us got it.
I mean, her name was susie for fuck's sake, After all, a cooch is just a cooch, but a mouth can do so much more.
Well, sure, leave it to a gay guy to say a bj is better than the va-Jay-Jay.
I've had both, can you say that? Bet you can't.
I've neither been a party to nor a participant in the giving or receiving of a blow job.
Ever.
I'm gonna hit the head.
You think? Who didn't experiment a little at camp? I'll bet he didn't.
Hmmm.
Are you gonna go talk to him? He can come talk to me.
Damn straight.
Hmmm.
So, are you still trying to be the bigger bitch? Nah, those days are done.
Tell me something, you come in here like you're at peace with the world.
What's your story? What do you picture? You've got some creative gig.
Ah, calloused.
You work with your hands.
Maybe I'm a bricklayer.
More like a Glass blower.
Then what? You get women.
And I don't mean that you can hook up with them, because I know you can.
But you really get us.
You have sisters.
You're a little brother.
Now, really wow me.
You know the secret of the magic pussy.
Indeed, I do.
What is it? Confidence.
Hey, hon.
Let's grab a booth at the back.
By the way, you were close.
Whatever happened to "he can come to me"? Sensed he wouldn't.
I miss drew.
Is it drew that you miss or just being in a relationship? Both.
Not that I have much experience in this department, but Getting over an ex takes time and lots of rebound sex.
Your rule.
Think he's in love with his new little girlfriend? That punk tween? Please.
She's just a rebound.
But it is probably a nice change for him, to have a conversation with someone who doesn't use all those big words he can't understand.
That's 'cause I'm a lawyer.
Come on, girl, let's get out of here.
What do you feel like doing? Throwing rocks in lake Michigan.
I am in.
Like fifth grade.
Can we change shoes? Absolutely.
Let's go.
Guess we can't take these with us, can we?