The Guest Book (2017) s01e06 Episode Script
Story Six
1 Things are really starting to heat up on "The Guest Book," bruh.
That stripper fell for some dude who was staying at the cabin, but he bailed on her.
So now, she all pissed.
And the doctor who lives next door, his wife brought a date with her to his house.
So things aren't looking great for that marriage.
And the people the stripper rented the cabin to broke the shitter, so the old dude is worried his wife might find out what he's been up to.
Is there nudity? Partial.
Wherever we go That's fine by me We'll settle our bones Eventually Yeah, I need a break, I need a minute Just give me one day Let's get, get, get away [BIRD CALLING IN DISTANCE.]
ADAM: What a cool place! You have 63 VHS tapes, 12 spoons, 11 forks.
The kitchen has 21 cabinet doors and 2 curtains.
There's 16 chairs in the house and 2 stools.
The deer antlers on the chandelier have 32 points.
There are three peanut M&Ms under the couch cushions.
I would have thrown them away, but I'm allergic to peanuts.
- There are 13 lamps, 71 frog figurines.
- [CROAKS.]
There are 21 pieces of plastic food in the bowl in the kitchen.
My name is Adam, and I love to count.
7 hours, 23 minutes, and 18 seconds ago, I drove 84.
6 miles to the mountains to stay in your lovely 781-square-foot cabin.
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING.]
Heel, two, heel.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
Mount Trace Rentals.
Did you rent Froggy Cottage last weekend? Uh, no.
Why? I think somebody busted in and broke the toilet.
- I'm a call the police.
- No, no, no.
- Hello? - [RECEIVER CLATTERS.]
Hi.
My name is Adam.
I'm here to get the keys to Froggy Cottage.
There might be a little delay with that.
- The toilet's broken.
- No problem.
As long as it's ready by 8.
I planned a surprise date.
Ooh.
Mints.
May I? - Knock yourself out.
- Yeah? [MOUTHS WORDS.]
Did you say A surprise date? I sure did.
With a woman from work.
ADAM: Gillian.
We both work at a sewing machine factory in the accounts receivable department.
Gillian has worked there for 134 and one-third days.
She went home early one day with the flu.
I hope there's no caffeine in that.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm kidding, of course.
What kind of coffee doesn't have caffeine in it? Decaf? Yeah, but the decaf pot has the orange handle, so - [BOTTLES RATTLE.]
- [SIGHS.]
[UNDER BREATH.]
Stupid, stupid.
You know where they keep the extra creamer? All out, huh? That's strange.
There were 18 packets in that bowl this morning.
Maybe try the supply closet.
Okay.
Thanks, Adam.
[EXHALES.]
[UNDER BREATH.]
She knows my name.
She's too young for you.
Oh, how would you like if I said that about you and Adam Lambert? - I'd be hurt.
- And don't forget, I do things to help keep me young.
Like I I watch reruns of "How I Met Your Mother," and I listen to popular music on the radio.
Do you know what the fox says? I do.
I know what the fox says.
So, grow a sac - and ask her out already.
- No.
I'm too scared.
[SIGHS.]
I need to figure out a way to force myself to do it.
Okay, here's the deal.
The next time she wears her blue sweater with her gray pants, I'll ask her out.
And if I don't If I don't, then I have to pull out all the hairs on both my legs from the knee down.
And we all know how much it hurts if you accidentally pull off just one leg hair.
So, if that's not an incentive to get something done, - I don't know what is.
- Listen, I really gotta get going.
Why don't you explore the town for a few hours - till the place gets ready? - Okay.
So I went to a place called Chubbys.
37 light bulbs.
But back to Gillian.
All I had to do was wait for her to wear the right outfit so I was forced to ask her out.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
Over the next few months, Gillian wore her blue sweater eight times, but always with red pants or a skirt.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
She wore the gray pants a lot, but never with the blue sweater.
It was almost like she knew.
Then, exactly 189 days after I made the bet with myself - Excuse me.
- It happened.
Blue sweater, gray pants.
Blue sweater, gray pants! [POPPING LIPS.]
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Go get your Adam Lambert.
But as I rounded the corner, you could have knocked me over with a mouse fart.
Well, what happened to your sweater? Oh, hi.
What? You were wearing a blue sweater earlier.
Oh.
I spilled juice on it.
So I'm sorry.
I was W-wondering If I could borrow your stapler.
Mine got wet.
Are you gonna start plucking that leg hair, - or do you need me to do it? - Oh, she wasn't wearing the sweater when I went over there.
Was the deal that I made with myself to ask her out after she wore it or while she was wearing it? I guess you weren't real clear about that.
Maybe you should just pull out the hair on one leg.
Sounds fair.
Oh.
Your daughter's gonna love that.
Ooh.
Oh, I like it.
It's really smooth.
Like the inside of a baby's nose.
Thanks.
I like it, too.
If I shut my eyes and cross my legs, it feels like I'm laying next to a girl.
You're wasting your time with that love bullshit.
Belie' that.
You give 'em your heart.
You juggle their balls a little in the bathroom stall, help them escape police custody, only to have them take their substantially wide pecker - to Mexico without you.
- [ICE RATTLING.]
Don't mind her.
She's down in the dumps.
I still believe in love.
Me, too.
I also believe in Jesus and ghosts.
I used to believe in myself.
[SNORTS.]
Well, you're wasting your time with that love bullshit, belie' that.
[SLURRING.]
You give 'em your heart, you juggle their balls Wait.
Did I already say this, or did I think it? I'm gonna go see if my cabin's ready.
Anyway, after I chickened out with Gillian, I started to worry that she might find someone else to be her boyfriend.
Theo from accounts payable cut her a really nice corner of his birthday cake last week, and something told me it wasn't an accident.
I hope this cake doesn't have any sugar in it.
I'm I'm kidding, of course.
What kind of cake doesn't have sugar? [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
- [ALL CHUCKLES.]
- I knew I needed to make a move, and it had to be something big.
[TYPING ON KEYBOARD.]
A surprise party for two? It's a grand romantic gesture.
I'll rent one of these cabins up in the mountains, and I'll see Gillian an Evite for a "party" I'm having.
I wrote down a bunch of made up e-mails, and I'll send them all Evites as well.
SnickerdoodleLover4326389? Yeah, I just made a list of things I know about my mom, followed by some of my favorite numbers, like RedHair68253 or NotAliveAnymore81309.
Anyway, when Gillian gets the Evite, she'll think it's a real party, but when she gets up there Surprise! It's our first date.
[CLACK, THUD.]
So, that's pretty much the plan.
I'm gonna make the cabin look really romantic with candles.
I'm also gonna make her dinner.
I brought a dessert.
I read on the Facebook that her favorite food is Chinese and Italian.
I brought a frozen pizza because I refuse to eat Chinese food.
I don't like how it's all mixed together.
How am I supposed to know how many peas I'm eating? At least pizza has the decency to put the pepperonis on top so you can count them.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- There's no sign of forced entry.
Are you guys sure you didn't give the keys to anyone? I know I didn't.
Well, I certainly haven't.
- Who would I give the keys to? - Hey, Wilfrid.
Can I check in yet? I want to take a shower before the big date.
Yeah, as long as you don't mind that one of the toilets is broken.
I don't mind.
Wish me luck.
On the Evite, she was a "maybe," so, fingers crossed.
Hey.
How did things go with your wife visiting? Oh, yeah.
Not good.
She brought a date.
- So sorry to hear that.
- Yeah.
So, anyway, thanks for letting me use your cabin.
Hopefully, Gillian and I will be returning once a year to celebrate the anniversary of our first date.
In love, Adam.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
P.
S.
You'll never guess what happened when I opened the door.
So there I was, all ready to surprise Gillian with our date.
Hey.
Hey.
Oh, you know Theo, right? Of course.
Accounts payable.
- You had a birthday the other day.
- Yep, and a cake With sugar.
[CHUCKLES.]
Actually, maybe too much.
I went back for seconds, and it was all gone.
[UNDER BREATH.]
Maybe if you didn't cut such big slices for some people.
So, a-a-are you guys dating? - Oh, no.
- No.
We're just friends.
Yeah, it was such a long ride.
So I figured I'd ask Theo to join me.
That's great to hear That you're you're being so smart about the long ride.
Way to use the old noodle.
[BLOWS AIR.]
When it's just me in the house, I try not to waste electricity.
[BLOWS AIR.]
I wasn't [BLOWS AIR.]
expecting [BLOWS AIR.]
people [BLOWS AIR.]
This early.
I'm sorry.
The Evite said 8.
Yeah.
[BLOWS AIR.]
I just kind of put that on there.
[BLOWS AIR.]
The truth is [BLOWS AIR.]
the crew I usually hang with [BLOWS AIR.]
doesn't get started [BLOWS AIR.]
until much later.
Well, as long as we're here, do you need help setting up? No, that's okay.
I was just heading out to get ready to go buy some beer.
You guys just, uh, [MOUTH FULL.]
make yourself at home.
ADAM: Guys! Guys, she brought someone with her.
I have to throw a real party.
Do you know this guy? Ish.
I know him -ish.
Can you please come over? I have to make it look like I'm throwing a real party.
Uh I guess so.
I gotta call my son first, wish him good night.
Perfect.
I'm gonna go get alcoholic beer.
And then head into town to try to round up some more party guests.
Say, hey do do you want to go to a party? - I'm working.
- Well, what if I order a bunch of food? Will you just stick around a-a-and act like we're friends? I'm not comfortable with saying we're friends.
But you could tell people I used to date your sister, and I'm still hung up on her, so I'm hanging out with you as a way to try to get her to take me back.
Deal.
Hey, just curious Wh-why couldn't we just be friends? I just don't see it.
Okay.
Anyway, it's Froggy Cottage, and it should be a really fun party.
I invited a bunch of people I met in town, and the guy next door might show up.
- [POLICE RADIO CHATTER.]
- Dr.
Brown? - I don't know his profession.
- Tall, really handsome, looks like he could lift you onto a dresser? Yeah, that's him.
Maybe I'll stop by after my shift.
[PAPER RIPS.]
- Slow down, okay? - Will do.
I'm sorry.
Sometimes I count the numbers on the speedometer when they're going up, and I don't want them to stop.
- [DOOR CREAKS.]
- [LAUGHING.]
Oh, hey.
I hope you don't mind, we cooked the pizza.
No.
Not at all.
That's what it's there for.
Although save some room for Chinese.
Do you like Chinese food? - Are you kidding? I love it! - Huh.
Me, too.
[SINGSONGY.]
Twinsies.
As it turns out, this little mountain town is super friendly.
And once they heard I needed help, they were more than happy to come to my fake party.
Hey, I hope it's okay that we brought a few friends.
- They heard there'd be free beer.
- Oh, yeah.
The more, the merrier.
There's 149 beers left.
Hey.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Hey, look that old dude we're blackmailing is here.
He's with his wife, all right.
- Maybe we should leave? - Hey.
Let's have some fun.
[DOOR CREAKS.]
Hey, look, it's my sister's ex-boyfriend.
- He brought food.
- [CHEERING.]
Before I knew it, I was throwing a real party.
Seal goes ow, ow, ow But there's a sound That no one knows What does the fox say Ring-ding-ding-ding dingeringeding Ring-ding-ding-ding dingeringeding Ring-ding-ding-ding dingeringeding What the fox say Wa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pow Wa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pow Wa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pow What the fox say Hatee-hatee-hatee-ho Hatee-hatee-hatee-ho Hatee-hatee-hatee-ho What the fox say Joff-tchoff-tchoffo-tchoffo tchoff Joff-tchoff-tchoffo-tchoffo tchoff Joff-tchoff-tchoffo-tchoffo What the fox say [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING.]
Hey, Adam.
This is a really cool place.
- What happened to your food? - I spilled it.
And then I was cleaning it up, and, wow, I didn't even realize I was putting it into these piles.
I guess you could take the accountant out of the office, but you can't take the counting out of the accountant.
[CHUCKLES.]
Do you like Kung Pao chicken? I love it.
If it's Chinese, I love it.
I love Chinese food.
You know, you you and I, we share that in common.
We were sharing chopsticks.
That's like one step away from kissing.
If she has a mouth disease, now we both have it.
So good.
[GRUNTS.]
There aren't any peanuts in there, are are there? Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, you're kidding, right? [LAUGHS.]
Okay what kind of Kung Pao doesn't have peanuts? [LAUGHS.]
I'm beginning to get your humor, Adam.
Yeah, well, you know, my mother always said, "Adam, humor is the bedrock of any relationship.
" Ha.
And stay away from peanuts, because you're allergic.
Hey.
Do you have recycling Holy shit, what happened to your face? Peanuts.
I ate peanuts, - and I'm allergic.
- All right, we need [SETS CAN DOWN.]
to get you to the hospital, pronto.
No, no, no, no, don't say anything.
It will ruin everything with Gillian.
Okay, I'm breathing okay, and the the itching is getting better, okay? I'm fine.
Please, don't say anything.
This may be my only chance at love, please.
Okay.
Okay, settle down.
Maybe you're not anaphylactic, but I'd feel better if we could get an epinephrine injection in you.
- I'm gonna run to the hospital.
- Okay.
If you start to have trouble breathing, you call 9-1-1.
- Okay, I'm fine.
- Okay? I'm fine.
[HAWKS THROAT.]
Hey, would you mind giving me a ride somewhere real quick? - Like, with sirens and everything? - I'd love to! If go real fast around the turns, you might have to hold onto my thigh for safety.
It's called Chubbys Bikini Bar.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- Okay, I know that place.
- I pass it on my way to dialysis.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
What exactly goes on in there? You know, sometimes a pervert tries to lure us into the storage room, but mostly, we just dance.
I just started dancing myself.
My husband and I are practicing so we can go line dancing.
That's my husband over there.
Wilfrid, this is Vivian.
Oh, hello.
Nice to, uh, meet you, Vivian.
I'm so sorry about this.
Yeah.
Yeah, whatever.
Your shoelace is untied.
So, why do they call it Chubbys? A chubby is what some people call a fella's wiener when it's half hard.
Really? Damn, they got a name for everything, don't they? My granddaughter just taught me what a queef was.
What's a queef? Pussy fart.
Thanks again for coming with me.
I had no idea what to expect.
Adam didn't strike me as the type of guy to throw a crazy party.
- He's kind of old.
- I know.
He kind of reminds me of my uncle Lou, always trying to act - younger than he is.
- Yeah, well, I'm sure we'll be - the same way when we're his age.
- [BOTTLE CAPS FIZZ.]
Plus, Adam is just super sweet.
That's why I had to come.
I'm just glad we're becoming friends.
He's a good guy.
Listen, I know earlier you said this isn't a date, and I didn't think it was, either.
But would you want to go out some time? I'd love to.
[CHUCKLES.]
You know, Adam is gonna love it when he finds out that his party is the reason that you and I got together.
[SIREN WAILS.]
[ENGINE TURNS OFF.]
[BIRD CALLS IN DISTANCE.]
Oh, my God.
Oh, Jeez! - Adam! - [PANTING.]
Oh! [CAP POPS.]
[THUD.]
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hi.
Hi.
Thanks for coming.
Before long, I was breathing normally again.
And after a few more hours of fun, the party was over.
[LAUGHTER.]
Thanks for coming, friends.
I'll see you later, Eddie.
Good luck with my sister.
- Bye.
- [BICYCLE BELL RINGS.]
- Thanks.
- Bye.
- Thanks, Adam.
- Bye, Theo.
I'll see you guys at work in 31 hours and 17 minutes.
Okay.
As far as my love life goes, the night was a bust.
But I did make some new friends, and I'm alive.
So, I guess it wasn't a total loss.
Your tenant, Adam.
P.
P.
S.
you've got a serious insect problem inside your kitchen cupboard.
There were too many to count.
[KNOCKING.]
[KNOCKING.]
Who is it? It's Abby.
I'm here for the party.
Hi.
I know I'm kind of late.
I got an Evite about a week ago.
I thought it might be a mistake, but my e-mail address is so strange, I don't know how that could happen.
SnickerdoodleLover4326389.
The number signifies how many snickerdoodle cookies I think it would take to ease tensions in the Middle East.
Anyway, I was sitting at home tonight, doing nothing, as always, and I thought, "What the heck?" "Maybe I should go to that party.
" But I just couldn't muster up the nerve to walk to my car.
So, I made a deal with myself that if I saw a commercial for that egg-shaped cheese grater thing that you use to get the dead skin off your feet, that would be a sign I should get in my car and go.
And wouldn't you know, halfway through "How I Met Your Mother," there it was That silly foot egg.
So Here I am.
Party's over.
What a weirdo.
Show me the best that you got And I'll show you one better Tell me a dirty joke And I'll laugh it off lightly If I tell you a dirty joke You might not like me Everyone gets to make one big mistake And if you're waiting on me Well, I guess you gonna have to wait Tommy! Oh, baby, look! Look at these cabins they got up here.
Honey, we should rent one.
I don't want to sleep in the El Camino.
I don't have a lot of cash.
We don't need cash, baby.
I still got all these stolen credit cards, okay? You gotta do it, though, 'cause they all got boys names on them.
I'll meet you in the car, okay? Uh, but I already got two strikes.
Don't be a pussy.
Everyone gets to make one big mistake
That stripper fell for some dude who was staying at the cabin, but he bailed on her.
So now, she all pissed.
And the doctor who lives next door, his wife brought a date with her to his house.
So things aren't looking great for that marriage.
And the people the stripper rented the cabin to broke the shitter, so the old dude is worried his wife might find out what he's been up to.
Is there nudity? Partial.
Wherever we go That's fine by me We'll settle our bones Eventually Yeah, I need a break, I need a minute Just give me one day Let's get, get, get away [BIRD CALLING IN DISTANCE.]
ADAM: What a cool place! You have 63 VHS tapes, 12 spoons, 11 forks.
The kitchen has 21 cabinet doors and 2 curtains.
There's 16 chairs in the house and 2 stools.
The deer antlers on the chandelier have 32 points.
There are three peanut M&Ms under the couch cushions.
I would have thrown them away, but I'm allergic to peanuts.
- There are 13 lamps, 71 frog figurines.
- [CROAKS.]
There are 21 pieces of plastic food in the bowl in the kitchen.
My name is Adam, and I love to count.
7 hours, 23 minutes, and 18 seconds ago, I drove 84.
6 miles to the mountains to stay in your lovely 781-square-foot cabin.
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING.]
Heel, two, heel.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
Mount Trace Rentals.
Did you rent Froggy Cottage last weekend? Uh, no.
Why? I think somebody busted in and broke the toilet.
- I'm a call the police.
- No, no, no.
- Hello? - [RECEIVER CLATTERS.]
Hi.
My name is Adam.
I'm here to get the keys to Froggy Cottage.
There might be a little delay with that.
- The toilet's broken.
- No problem.
As long as it's ready by 8.
I planned a surprise date.
Ooh.
Mints.
May I? - Knock yourself out.
- Yeah? [MOUTHS WORDS.]
Did you say A surprise date? I sure did.
With a woman from work.
ADAM: Gillian.
We both work at a sewing machine factory in the accounts receivable department.
Gillian has worked there for 134 and one-third days.
She went home early one day with the flu.
I hope there's no caffeine in that.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm kidding, of course.
What kind of coffee doesn't have caffeine in it? Decaf? Yeah, but the decaf pot has the orange handle, so - [BOTTLES RATTLE.]
- [SIGHS.]
[UNDER BREATH.]
Stupid, stupid.
You know where they keep the extra creamer? All out, huh? That's strange.
There were 18 packets in that bowl this morning.
Maybe try the supply closet.
Okay.
Thanks, Adam.
[EXHALES.]
[UNDER BREATH.]
She knows my name.
She's too young for you.
Oh, how would you like if I said that about you and Adam Lambert? - I'd be hurt.
- And don't forget, I do things to help keep me young.
Like I I watch reruns of "How I Met Your Mother," and I listen to popular music on the radio.
Do you know what the fox says? I do.
I know what the fox says.
So, grow a sac - and ask her out already.
- No.
I'm too scared.
[SIGHS.]
I need to figure out a way to force myself to do it.
Okay, here's the deal.
The next time she wears her blue sweater with her gray pants, I'll ask her out.
And if I don't If I don't, then I have to pull out all the hairs on both my legs from the knee down.
And we all know how much it hurts if you accidentally pull off just one leg hair.
So, if that's not an incentive to get something done, - I don't know what is.
- Listen, I really gotta get going.
Why don't you explore the town for a few hours - till the place gets ready? - Okay.
So I went to a place called Chubbys.
37 light bulbs.
But back to Gillian.
All I had to do was wait for her to wear the right outfit so I was forced to ask her out.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
Over the next few months, Gillian wore her blue sweater eight times, but always with red pants or a skirt.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
She wore the gray pants a lot, but never with the blue sweater.
It was almost like she knew.
Then, exactly 189 days after I made the bet with myself - Excuse me.
- It happened.
Blue sweater, gray pants.
Blue sweater, gray pants! [POPPING LIPS.]
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Go get your Adam Lambert.
But as I rounded the corner, you could have knocked me over with a mouse fart.
Well, what happened to your sweater? Oh, hi.
What? You were wearing a blue sweater earlier.
Oh.
I spilled juice on it.
So I'm sorry.
I was W-wondering If I could borrow your stapler.
Mine got wet.
Are you gonna start plucking that leg hair, - or do you need me to do it? - Oh, she wasn't wearing the sweater when I went over there.
Was the deal that I made with myself to ask her out after she wore it or while she was wearing it? I guess you weren't real clear about that.
Maybe you should just pull out the hair on one leg.
Sounds fair.
Oh.
Your daughter's gonna love that.
Ooh.
Oh, I like it.
It's really smooth.
Like the inside of a baby's nose.
Thanks.
I like it, too.
If I shut my eyes and cross my legs, it feels like I'm laying next to a girl.
You're wasting your time with that love bullshit.
Belie' that.
You give 'em your heart.
You juggle their balls a little in the bathroom stall, help them escape police custody, only to have them take their substantially wide pecker - to Mexico without you.
- [ICE RATTLING.]
Don't mind her.
She's down in the dumps.
I still believe in love.
Me, too.
I also believe in Jesus and ghosts.
I used to believe in myself.
[SNORTS.]
Well, you're wasting your time with that love bullshit, belie' that.
[SLURRING.]
You give 'em your heart, you juggle their balls Wait.
Did I already say this, or did I think it? I'm gonna go see if my cabin's ready.
Anyway, after I chickened out with Gillian, I started to worry that she might find someone else to be her boyfriend.
Theo from accounts payable cut her a really nice corner of his birthday cake last week, and something told me it wasn't an accident.
I hope this cake doesn't have any sugar in it.
I'm I'm kidding, of course.
What kind of cake doesn't have sugar? [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
- [ALL CHUCKLES.]
- I knew I needed to make a move, and it had to be something big.
[TYPING ON KEYBOARD.]
A surprise party for two? It's a grand romantic gesture.
I'll rent one of these cabins up in the mountains, and I'll see Gillian an Evite for a "party" I'm having.
I wrote down a bunch of made up e-mails, and I'll send them all Evites as well.
SnickerdoodleLover4326389? Yeah, I just made a list of things I know about my mom, followed by some of my favorite numbers, like RedHair68253 or NotAliveAnymore81309.
Anyway, when Gillian gets the Evite, she'll think it's a real party, but when she gets up there Surprise! It's our first date.
[CLACK, THUD.]
So, that's pretty much the plan.
I'm gonna make the cabin look really romantic with candles.
I'm also gonna make her dinner.
I brought a dessert.
I read on the Facebook that her favorite food is Chinese and Italian.
I brought a frozen pizza because I refuse to eat Chinese food.
I don't like how it's all mixed together.
How am I supposed to know how many peas I'm eating? At least pizza has the decency to put the pepperonis on top so you can count them.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- There's no sign of forced entry.
Are you guys sure you didn't give the keys to anyone? I know I didn't.
Well, I certainly haven't.
- Who would I give the keys to? - Hey, Wilfrid.
Can I check in yet? I want to take a shower before the big date.
Yeah, as long as you don't mind that one of the toilets is broken.
I don't mind.
Wish me luck.
On the Evite, she was a "maybe," so, fingers crossed.
Hey.
How did things go with your wife visiting? Oh, yeah.
Not good.
She brought a date.
- So sorry to hear that.
- Yeah.
So, anyway, thanks for letting me use your cabin.
Hopefully, Gillian and I will be returning once a year to celebrate the anniversary of our first date.
In love, Adam.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
P.
S.
You'll never guess what happened when I opened the door.
So there I was, all ready to surprise Gillian with our date.
Hey.
Hey.
Oh, you know Theo, right? Of course.
Accounts payable.
- You had a birthday the other day.
- Yep, and a cake With sugar.
[CHUCKLES.]
Actually, maybe too much.
I went back for seconds, and it was all gone.
[UNDER BREATH.]
Maybe if you didn't cut such big slices for some people.
So, a-a-are you guys dating? - Oh, no.
- No.
We're just friends.
Yeah, it was such a long ride.
So I figured I'd ask Theo to join me.
That's great to hear That you're you're being so smart about the long ride.
Way to use the old noodle.
[BLOWS AIR.]
When it's just me in the house, I try not to waste electricity.
[BLOWS AIR.]
I wasn't [BLOWS AIR.]
expecting [BLOWS AIR.]
people [BLOWS AIR.]
This early.
I'm sorry.
The Evite said 8.
Yeah.
[BLOWS AIR.]
I just kind of put that on there.
[BLOWS AIR.]
The truth is [BLOWS AIR.]
the crew I usually hang with [BLOWS AIR.]
doesn't get started [BLOWS AIR.]
until much later.
Well, as long as we're here, do you need help setting up? No, that's okay.
I was just heading out to get ready to go buy some beer.
You guys just, uh, [MOUTH FULL.]
make yourself at home.
ADAM: Guys! Guys, she brought someone with her.
I have to throw a real party.
Do you know this guy? Ish.
I know him -ish.
Can you please come over? I have to make it look like I'm throwing a real party.
Uh I guess so.
I gotta call my son first, wish him good night.
Perfect.
I'm gonna go get alcoholic beer.
And then head into town to try to round up some more party guests.
Say, hey do do you want to go to a party? - I'm working.
- Well, what if I order a bunch of food? Will you just stick around a-a-and act like we're friends? I'm not comfortable with saying we're friends.
But you could tell people I used to date your sister, and I'm still hung up on her, so I'm hanging out with you as a way to try to get her to take me back.
Deal.
Hey, just curious Wh-why couldn't we just be friends? I just don't see it.
Okay.
Anyway, it's Froggy Cottage, and it should be a really fun party.
I invited a bunch of people I met in town, and the guy next door might show up.
- [POLICE RADIO CHATTER.]
- Dr.
Brown? - I don't know his profession.
- Tall, really handsome, looks like he could lift you onto a dresser? Yeah, that's him.
Maybe I'll stop by after my shift.
[PAPER RIPS.]
- Slow down, okay? - Will do.
I'm sorry.
Sometimes I count the numbers on the speedometer when they're going up, and I don't want them to stop.
- [DOOR CREAKS.]
- [LAUGHING.]
Oh, hey.
I hope you don't mind, we cooked the pizza.
No.
Not at all.
That's what it's there for.
Although save some room for Chinese.
Do you like Chinese food? - Are you kidding? I love it! - Huh.
Me, too.
[SINGSONGY.]
Twinsies.
As it turns out, this little mountain town is super friendly.
And once they heard I needed help, they were more than happy to come to my fake party.
Hey, I hope it's okay that we brought a few friends.
- They heard there'd be free beer.
- Oh, yeah.
The more, the merrier.
There's 149 beers left.
Hey.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Hey, look that old dude we're blackmailing is here.
He's with his wife, all right.
- Maybe we should leave? - Hey.
Let's have some fun.
[DOOR CREAKS.]
Hey, look, it's my sister's ex-boyfriend.
- He brought food.
- [CHEERING.]
Before I knew it, I was throwing a real party.
Seal goes ow, ow, ow But there's a sound That no one knows What does the fox say Ring-ding-ding-ding dingeringeding Ring-ding-ding-ding dingeringeding Ring-ding-ding-ding dingeringeding What the fox say Wa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pow Wa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pow Wa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pow What the fox say Hatee-hatee-hatee-ho Hatee-hatee-hatee-ho Hatee-hatee-hatee-ho What the fox say Joff-tchoff-tchoffo-tchoffo tchoff Joff-tchoff-tchoffo-tchoffo tchoff Joff-tchoff-tchoffo-tchoffo What the fox say [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING.]
Hey, Adam.
This is a really cool place.
- What happened to your food? - I spilled it.
And then I was cleaning it up, and, wow, I didn't even realize I was putting it into these piles.
I guess you could take the accountant out of the office, but you can't take the counting out of the accountant.
[CHUCKLES.]
Do you like Kung Pao chicken? I love it.
If it's Chinese, I love it.
I love Chinese food.
You know, you you and I, we share that in common.
We were sharing chopsticks.
That's like one step away from kissing.
If she has a mouth disease, now we both have it.
So good.
[GRUNTS.]
There aren't any peanuts in there, are are there? Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, you're kidding, right? [LAUGHS.]
Okay what kind of Kung Pao doesn't have peanuts? [LAUGHS.]
I'm beginning to get your humor, Adam.
Yeah, well, you know, my mother always said, "Adam, humor is the bedrock of any relationship.
" Ha.
And stay away from peanuts, because you're allergic.
Hey.
Do you have recycling Holy shit, what happened to your face? Peanuts.
I ate peanuts, - and I'm allergic.
- All right, we need [SETS CAN DOWN.]
to get you to the hospital, pronto.
No, no, no, no, don't say anything.
It will ruin everything with Gillian.
Okay, I'm breathing okay, and the the itching is getting better, okay? I'm fine.
Please, don't say anything.
This may be my only chance at love, please.
Okay.
Okay, settle down.
Maybe you're not anaphylactic, but I'd feel better if we could get an epinephrine injection in you.
- I'm gonna run to the hospital.
- Okay.
If you start to have trouble breathing, you call 9-1-1.
- Okay, I'm fine.
- Okay? I'm fine.
[HAWKS THROAT.]
Hey, would you mind giving me a ride somewhere real quick? - Like, with sirens and everything? - I'd love to! If go real fast around the turns, you might have to hold onto my thigh for safety.
It's called Chubbys Bikini Bar.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- Okay, I know that place.
- I pass it on my way to dialysis.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
What exactly goes on in there? You know, sometimes a pervert tries to lure us into the storage room, but mostly, we just dance.
I just started dancing myself.
My husband and I are practicing so we can go line dancing.
That's my husband over there.
Wilfrid, this is Vivian.
Oh, hello.
Nice to, uh, meet you, Vivian.
I'm so sorry about this.
Yeah.
Yeah, whatever.
Your shoelace is untied.
So, why do they call it Chubbys? A chubby is what some people call a fella's wiener when it's half hard.
Really? Damn, they got a name for everything, don't they? My granddaughter just taught me what a queef was.
What's a queef? Pussy fart.
Thanks again for coming with me.
I had no idea what to expect.
Adam didn't strike me as the type of guy to throw a crazy party.
- He's kind of old.
- I know.
He kind of reminds me of my uncle Lou, always trying to act - younger than he is.
- Yeah, well, I'm sure we'll be - the same way when we're his age.
- [BOTTLE CAPS FIZZ.]
Plus, Adam is just super sweet.
That's why I had to come.
I'm just glad we're becoming friends.
He's a good guy.
Listen, I know earlier you said this isn't a date, and I didn't think it was, either.
But would you want to go out some time? I'd love to.
[CHUCKLES.]
You know, Adam is gonna love it when he finds out that his party is the reason that you and I got together.
[SIREN WAILS.]
[ENGINE TURNS OFF.]
[BIRD CALLS IN DISTANCE.]
Oh, my God.
Oh, Jeez! - Adam! - [PANTING.]
Oh! [CAP POPS.]
[THUD.]
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hi.
Hi.
Thanks for coming.
Before long, I was breathing normally again.
And after a few more hours of fun, the party was over.
[LAUGHTER.]
Thanks for coming, friends.
I'll see you later, Eddie.
Good luck with my sister.
- Bye.
- [BICYCLE BELL RINGS.]
- Thanks.
- Bye.
- Thanks, Adam.
- Bye, Theo.
I'll see you guys at work in 31 hours and 17 minutes.
Okay.
As far as my love life goes, the night was a bust.
But I did make some new friends, and I'm alive.
So, I guess it wasn't a total loss.
Your tenant, Adam.
P.
P.
S.
you've got a serious insect problem inside your kitchen cupboard.
There were too many to count.
[KNOCKING.]
[KNOCKING.]
Who is it? It's Abby.
I'm here for the party.
Hi.
I know I'm kind of late.
I got an Evite about a week ago.
I thought it might be a mistake, but my e-mail address is so strange, I don't know how that could happen.
SnickerdoodleLover4326389.
The number signifies how many snickerdoodle cookies I think it would take to ease tensions in the Middle East.
Anyway, I was sitting at home tonight, doing nothing, as always, and I thought, "What the heck?" "Maybe I should go to that party.
" But I just couldn't muster up the nerve to walk to my car.
So, I made a deal with myself that if I saw a commercial for that egg-shaped cheese grater thing that you use to get the dead skin off your feet, that would be a sign I should get in my car and go.
And wouldn't you know, halfway through "How I Met Your Mother," there it was That silly foot egg.
So Here I am.
Party's over.
What a weirdo.
Show me the best that you got And I'll show you one better Tell me a dirty joke And I'll laugh it off lightly If I tell you a dirty joke You might not like me Everyone gets to make one big mistake And if you're waiting on me Well, I guess you gonna have to wait Tommy! Oh, baby, look! Look at these cabins they got up here.
Honey, we should rent one.
I don't want to sleep in the El Camino.
I don't have a lot of cash.
We don't need cash, baby.
I still got all these stolen credit cards, okay? You gotta do it, though, 'cause they all got boys names on them.
I'll meet you in the car, okay? Uh, but I already got two strikes.
Don't be a pussy.
Everyone gets to make one big mistake