The Iliza Shlesinger Sketch Show (2020) s01e06 Episode Script

1
[upbeat opening credits playing]
Slip into your house shoes ♪
There ain't nobody like you ♪
And with all your favorite friends
Playing pretend ♪
Pretend, pretend ♪
- [screen chimes]
- [cursor ticking]
- [cheery folk music playing]
- [birds chirping]
[Southern accent] Coulder, Colton,
Bailey, Beltley, Brexton,
Belle, Brixley, Blatten,
Gunner, Portion, Porva, Parvo,
Kolton with a K, Dolce,
Hayden, Hair, Halibut,
Mistly, Cressley, Hashbrown, Axton,
Doom, Winona, Montana,
Shandy, Shaygun, Shandon, Zenith,
Argon, Akron, Harland, Tamblyn,
Marcia, Gay, Harden,
Kristen, Graceland, Templyn,
Zantham, McKenna, McKylie,
Savannah Jo, Paisley, Tippy,
Cresslyn, Chubby Lynn,
Tammy Lynn, Horlicks Lynn,
Zeenon, Hudson, Cooper,
Dream, Trout,
Halibut, Maddy, Maddy, Maddy, Maddy,
Two-Bit Trail, Falcon, Cressley, Haltheon,
Faith, Boron, Carbon, Krypton,
Lippy Jo, Tippy Jo,
Aegon, Tardist, Tanner,
Tyler, Tyrex, Pirex, Mason,
Maslin, Huxton, Craston, Crashton,
Gorgon, Corrugated Steel, Claimer,
Trailon, Trace, Brisket
Have y'all seen Tom?
Tippy Jo?
- [screen chimes]
- [cursor ticking]
- I've made fix thousands of bad house.
- [country rock music plays faintly]
When I'm through, bad house made good,
small house made big,
messy house made brand new.
Just like that. [hushed] Yeah.
This broken house
I don't know if I could make fix.
- [screen chimes]
- [cursor ticking]
[British host] Greg Cantone lives here
with his wife, Beth,
- [gentle music plays]
- in the suburbs
of Lincolnshire-on-Heath boroughs.
Beth Cantone is an engineering professor
at Cambridge,
with a dual focus on sex research.
She's recently taking sabbatical
to focus on her own projects.
Greg is supportive.
Uh, yes. Yes, I I do know
what Beth is working on, but no,
I haven't seen it yet.
[host] That changes today.
- [garage door rattling]
- This will be the first time
that Beth has shown
her completed work to anyone.
[robot whirring]
- [British accent] This is my sex robot.
- [Greg exhales slowly]
[Greg] God, it just came out brilliant.
[host] This robot isn't the first
of its kind.
But according to Beth,
it's different from other sex robots.
I created this sex robot
because other existing sex robots
had too many frills.
Um, its only purpose
is to administer the
strongest orgasm possible
in the shortest amount of time.
[host] To demonstrate
the sex robot's functionality,
Greg has agreed
to be its first human partner.
Yeah, you know,
[stammers] I'm really just happy to help.
Beth's work is so important.
- Sex robot, commence.
- [robot whirs]
[female voice] Sexual encounter initiated.
Please tell me your gender
and sexual orientation.
Uh, male. Heterosexual.
Activating sequence.
[robot zips and whirs]
[gruff voice] Please select
a foreplay preference.
Innocent, normal or freaky.
[stammers] Normal, please. Normal.
Normal. Normal, please.
Normal foreplay sequence initiated.
Oh, baby! Oh, baby! Oh, baby! Oh, baby!
Let's do sex. Now, now, now, now!
- Now, now--
- [Greg] Okay.
Uh [stammers] Good on that, thank you.
Foreplay complete.
Commencing sexual intercourse, Phase One.
Please select desired climax level.
Uh, maximum! [chuckles]
- Really?
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I got this.
Maximum climax level selected.
- Engaging genital lock.
- [grunts] Wow.
- Genitals now locked,
- [Greg coughs]
until ejaculation complete.
[host] The sex robot has locked
Greg's genitals in its hand.
[robot beeping] Surveying erection status.
[whirring] Penile function low.
[host] But Greg's penis
isn't functioning well.
- [Beth] Huh.
- [robot] Generating auditory stimulation
- for maximum penile blood flow. [grunts]
- [Greg exhales in pain]
You are a bitch. Come on, bitch.
- Get hard like a bitch.
- Sorry.
Yeah, okay, I got it.
I'm working on--
Just give me a minute. Please.
[beeping] Erection status, hard.
Desired blood flow achieved.
[host] Finally, Greg achieves
an adequate erection.
- [Greg sighs]
- Everyone seems relieved.
[robot] Initiating sexual intercourse,
[expelling air] Phase Two.
- Physical stimulation. [whirs]
- [Greg cries out]
Ooh! Oh
- Stimulating, stimulating, stimulating.
- Holy fucking shit, wow!
- Stimulating, stimulating.
- Oh
[host] The demonstration continues.
[robot] Prostate simulation initiating.
- [whirs and clicks]
- [Greg] Oh
- Ooh
- [robot clicking]
[Greg groans]
Why-- Beth. Beth, why is it--
Why is it stopping?
Phase Three, intermittent
- tantric simulation.
- What?
- [robot dings]
- [Greg grunting]
- [robot whirring]
- Beth, it's so much worse when it stops!
God, why is it stopping?
[host] At this point,
- [whirring and dinging]
- Greg's penis has swelled considerably,
- and it's the color of an aubergine.
- [robot dings]
Beth, I hate this! Why is it doing this?
[host] And then, suddenly, trouble.
- [robot beeps and whirs]
- Greg's weak penis
- has forced the sex robot
- What--
- into emergency mode.
- What's going on?
[droning] Inability to maintain
- current erection status.
- [Greg] What?!
Engaging auto-erotic asphyxiation.
[robot emits high-pitched whirring]
- [Greg groans and cries out]
- [robot droning]
- [Greg moans in ecstasy, sighs]
- [robot's gears hiss]
Oh, God. That was amazing.
- [robot beeping]
- [host] All in all, not a bad morning.
Uh, you know, on a baseline level,
[stammers] it definitely works. Um
You know, I have a few notes,
[stammers] but, you know,
all in due time. [chuckles nervously]
I was very pleased with the results.
[rock music playing]
- [ball whacks]
- Whoa! Sick catch, Cram.
Thanks. Hey.
- We got anything to drink?
- Totally.
Uch, we have wine.
Nah. I need something harder.
[ball splats]
Okay. Oh! Mike's Hard Lemonade?
Not hard enough.
We've got Angry Orchard, Livid Pear--
[yelling] Goddamn it, Kathy!
I need something hard!
How about
a Beelzebubbly?
What's a Beelzebubbly?
[flame roars]
[demonic voice] Made from the blood
of the innocent,
- brewed from the souls of many,
- [indistinct screeching]
Beelzebubbly is the anti-thirst solution
from the Antichrist.
[goat bleats]
Our brew pours
from the wound of the beast,
slaking your thirst
and forsaking all that is holy.
Every sip is a commitment
to craft, taste,
and the Dark Prince himself.
[Cram gurgles] Goes down so smooth!
[goat bleats]
We are proud to brew
right here in the USA
and ship to you straight from Vermont!
Sharing all the flavors of hell,
one sip at a time.
[Cram gurgling]
[Cram sputters]
[Cram cries out in pain]
I think that was harder
than what he asked for.
[spokes-demon] Beelzebubbly.
Harder than wine,
softer than blood.
- [rock music fades]
- [bleats]
- [screen chimes]
- [cursor ticking]
- [Christmas music playing]
- And look Look at that Christmas mouth.
Look at the value.
Look at all the facets.
Look at that Christmas mouth.
Happy holidays.
- Wow.
- [country music plays]
Great job filling this toilet
to the brim, Elaine.
Now let's see if we can flush it.
- [screen chimes]
- [cursor ticking]
- [audience applauds]
- [hosts cooing]
- [host 1] Hi, Mama!
- Hi, Mama
- [host 2] Hi!
- Yeah!
[host 2 whooping]
Look at you.
Look at you, girlfriend.
I love this!
[applause continues]
- I like.
- Me, too.
- Hi.
- [hosts murmuring]
You guys! Beautiful.
- You all look beautiful.
- You. You.
- [hosts fawning]
- [host 3] You're looking good.
- [hosts gasp]
- Oh, my God.
[host 4] Oh! How are you?
- [applause continues]
- [murmuring continues]
- [host 3] See you soon. See you soon.
- [host 2] I'll see you soon.
- Okay.
- Hi!
- [host 1 laughs]
- Call me.
- [audience cheers]
- [hosts chatter indistinctly]
Wow!
Oh my god, look at her nails.
I love it!
- I don't have nails.
- Look at her nails.
I don't have 'em. [cackles]
Welcome, welcome to the show.
- Jumping right into hot topics.
- [applause fades]
Two TSA agents were placed on leave
after a racist display
- was discovered in their office.
- [host 2] Oh, no.
I mean, wow.
What is going on with the TSA?
You guys, they're supposed
to be keeping us safe,
- not being racist.
- [audience applauds]
That is a very interesting question.
- Because I know, for me, my husband
- [hosts agreeing]
- was just on a plane six months ago.
- [audience oohs]
So I know, for me, this is really scary.
[host 1] But, see, I know, for me
and my current situation--
But now personally, for me,
I just know that I'm the type of person--
For me, as a person
that experienced the things
that I've experienced,
living my life for me
- [hosts agreeing]
- I mean, maybe not for everybody else.
- Not for everybody else.
- You know, for me,
- [host 4] Mm
- those experiences have made
this experience of racism
- very hard.
- [host 4] Okay.
- For me.
- [audience applauds]
How so?
- I think--
- Because I know for me,
as an American, being raised
in a one-story home,
- [audience oohs]
- having never even seen stairs
until I was 18
- [audience gasps]
- That's amazing.
- Oh, my God.
- And so I know, for me,
being the first Communications major
in my family,
- [audience applauds]
- like I just go there. Like I just do.
- I just go.
- [host 3] I know for me,
I just remember being 22,
- just out of college,
- [hosts murmuring]
just out of college,
- and no one helped me.
- [host sigh]
- [host 2] They never do.
- No one showed me.
- No one gave me, right?
- [hosts agreeing]
I mean, I remember--
I remember holding a gun
- [audience oohs]
- for the first time because I had to.
And like, I never get mad.
Me, neither.
[clapping] Like I am so chill.
- [audience applauds]
- I am so chill.
I am so chill.
[host 4] But if I do get mad,
but if I do get mad, watch out.
Because if you know me,
you know that I will go there.
- [all agreeing]
- If you know me.
People who know me
and know where I'm from,
they just know that I'm always
trying to be strong.
And you're the only one
who can take yourself there.
And you go.
That's what my book's about.
- You go.
- [hosts agree]
We have to keep going.
We have to keep going.
- [applause fades]
- It's my nature to be a fighter,
and I will fight,
and you need to know that about me
if you're going to know me.
So for me, I will fight
against all of it.
- [host agreeing]
- My family,
- [applause resumes]
- climate, economy, equality--
- Nuclear?
- Nuclear.
- Nuclear is the worst.
- Nuclear.
It's the worst.
[host 2] Nuclear is terrible.
- It's so bad.
- Nuclear.
- But as for me, okay
- [host 2] Wow.
- as a person
- Yeah.
if I have to, as a daughter
- [host 4] Mm.
- to protect my family,
- [hosts agreeing]
- people who are veterans,
[audience applauds and cheers]
Everybody in my family
is a veteran. Everybody.
You know, except for my mom,
my dad, my cousin, and my nephew.
But I'mma do everything I can
- to protect them.
- [host 2] Right.
I will literally eat glass for anyone.
Who's got glass? I'll show you.
- [audience applauds]
- I will literally jump off of a building
- for my friends, into traffic.
- [audience cheers]
[host 2] She's done it.
[yelling] I will set myself on fire
for my nieces!
- Oh, my God!
- [host 2] That's amazing.
When we come back, we'll be sitting
with special guest, Keith Urban.
We will not let him sing,
but we will all tell him
about our sons with dyslexia.
We'll be right back.
- [audience cheers and applauds]
- [pop music plays]
[phone splats on table]
- [screen chimes]
- [cursor ticking]
- [gentle music playing]
- [British host] Last year, we visited
with Greg and Beth Cantone
to witness the initial demonstration
of Beth Cantone's sex robot.
Let's drop in again,
and see how they're coming along.
[Greg crying out in fear]
No!
[cries out]
[robot] Sexual encounter incomplete.
[whirring] Must complete sexual encounter.
- [breathless] Um I haven't, uh
- [indistinct creaking]
slept in a couple of weeks now.
In the name of science.
But, um
You know, it's just
when I stir,
[stammers] it comes after me.
- [robot zips and whirs]
- [hushed] Oh, God.
- Ah
- [zipping and whirring continues]
Initiating sexual encounter.
Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[stammers] Just give me a second
to catch my breath, please.
Strong sexual desire registered.
- Fine. Fine, let's do this.
- [indistinct drilling]
- [soft music plays]
- It's not your mother's catheter.
It's yours.
Because using your mother's catheter
is unsanitary, William.
- [country music plays]
- Now, I noticed you got a number
of dead animals in your toilet. So
- [screen chimes]
- [cursor ticking]
Sounds like you're gonna have
a great time in Mexico.
Oh, thank you.
- Okay. You're all set.
- Oh!
You are a magician.
- Not much to work with. So, thank you.
- [laughs]
- So great working with you.
- Aw.
Thank you so much.
Good morning.
Hi.
- Morning. [gasps] Hi, Jane. Good morning.
- [Jane] Hi, Iliza.
Hello, Beau.
Good morning.
- [curious music plays]
- Yeah, she's just
real, I think.
Were you at that yoga class on Friday?
I thought I saw you.
There's no pretense.
Iliza honestly just
treats everybody with respect.
That is so funny!
Oh, my God. Precious!
[makeup artist] I mean,
it goes without saying
- that she's professional, but
- [indistinct chatter]
it's more than that.
- [both laughing]
- She has time
for everyone.
Like props.
You're with these people
14, 16 hours a day,
so it can get stressful.
Like I've seen talent get pretty moody.
- [Iliza screams playfully]
- Iliza? [scoffs]
Always in a good mood.
I'm gonna miss working on this show.
Go ahead. Um
I Hi. I just um [clears throat]
wanted to talk to you guys.
Can everybody come over here?
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry. I know you're getting ready
for the next sketch. You're always
working a lot harder than me.
Um I just wanted to take a second,
uh, to thank
everyone for
everything that you do. Um
I'm sorry.
For some reason, I'm so nervous
'cause you're all so talented.
- [crew laughs]
- Such a talented group.
I just wanna say a few things and then
you never have to listen to me talk again,
until season two. Fingers crossed.
Uh, you guys are
have been everything this season. Um
I know
it's The Iliza Shlesinger Sketch Show,
but it is as much [takes a deep breath]
my show as it is yours.
We did this together.
I could not have done this without you.
You guys are just
You're the real rock stars
of this, um, whole production,
and all of your creativity and input
and endless dedication
has just meant the world to me.
I have always wanted my own show,
and you are the reason
that this happened for me.
And the most important part,
in conclusion, uh
we're gonna have a wrap party tonight.
Drinks and food
on me at Molly Wee's,
- [crew applauds]
- so I'll see you guys there.
Thank you so much.
Thank you, thank you.
- [knocks]
- Yeah.
- Hey! Iliza?
- Yes. Hi.
Hey. I just want to say
thanks for everything.
It's been great working with you.
James, thank you so much.
I'll email you that meatball recipe, too.
- Yes, James. You better.
- [hands slap]
- Feel me? Almost messed up there.
- Yes. I feel it.
- You're getting it.
- I got it, though.
- See you at the bar?
- See you. Yes.
- Later?
- Absolutely. Thank you so much.
I'm so excited.
- Oh! Later.
- Okay, bye. Love you. Best friends.
- [door closes]
- Wipe. Now, now!
- [friend] On it.
- Now.
[friend] On it.
Now, is that grip fucking psychotic?
- What is wrong with him?
- I do not know.
Like, coming into my green room.
Like, this is my space.
Does he think that we're dating
or does he just have
a fucking blood clot in his shitty brain?
And how does this motherfucker
have my email?
Are we just handing out
my social security number
to any jackoff
who likes to lift heavy equipment?
I'll handle it.
I'm telling you,
these people are so fucking needy.
Like, the makeup girl
asked me where I vacation.
Where I vacation. Like, oh, I don't know.
How about, "Where do you
mind your own business?
Why don't you worry about cleaning out
your blush brushes,
you pinkeye trafficker?"
- They have no boundary.
- Right?
What about my behavior?
Am I Am I lifting up my dress
and being like,
"Come on in, everyone. Get in line."
I just wanted to say that,
you know, if anybody has like, an idea
or something that they want to run by me,
like a joke or a pitch,
something like that,
you can always come talk to me.
You can always come Just come on by.
I am very open.
I'm not one of those weird celebrities
where you can't make eye contact.
You can always come by my green room.
I have a total 100% open door policy.
Anytime.
- Yeah, I don't know. They're crazy.
- Right?
And what was that weird award
they gave me?
Like, what is with that shape?
Does it double as a butt plug?
[Iliza] Oh, my God!
It's not an Emmy.
Yet.
No, it's not an Emmy. It's a Crewey.
It's a Crewey!
Iliza Shlesinger, Most Grounded Talent.
You guys!
I love this.
I love this. Thank you so much.
I'm not exaggerating.
This is a literally
my most prized possession ever.
Emily, get this award
out of my eyeline.
Grind it up, put it in your cat's litter
for all I care.
Where is my lunch?
- It's right here. It's right here.
- You know what?
I think that intern Me Too'd me.
- [dishes clatter]
- Oh, really?
Yeah, I swear, I swear.
She looked right into my eyeline
and it was violating.
- Hey, Lizzie.
- Hi!
How are you liking
your internship?
- I'm loving it.
- Yeah?
I really am. I'm learning
something new every day.
- [chuckles]
- That's awesome. And how's your mom?
She's a lot better.
- Thank you for asking.
- Good. Good.
- Thanks.
- See you later.
All I do is give, [sobs] and nobody
Nobody cares, nobody
[strained] I know, for me like,
[sniffles] this is really hard
[muffled] because I've always just
Let go of my lobes!
- [droning music playing]
- Carol!
[squawks]
Do I have to go to this thing
at this bar tonight with these people?
Can we [sniffles]
Can we just say my cousin died or I died?
I'll handle it.
[breathes heavily]
Beautiful.
[exhales slowly]
Beautiful comedy star ♪
So bright ♪
- So high ♪
- [droning music intensifies]
[music stops abruptly]
- [upbeat ending credits playing]
- Slip into your house shoes ♪
There ain't nobody like you ♪
And with all your favorite friends
Playing pretend, pretend, pretend ♪
Oh, oh! ♪
You're the captain of the pontoon ♪
Now it's time
Yeah, you know it's true ♪
And with all your favorite friends
Playing pretend, pretend, pretend ♪
Oh, oh! ♪