The Inbetweeners (US) (2012) s01e06 Episode Script

My new best friends-- not exactly ladies' men.
I'm wearing a bum's shoes.
They're so tragic, they make me look cool.
Hey, Will.
Well, almost.
[Upbeat rock music.]
We all have roles to play in life, but in high school, it's voted on and committed to print for generations to come.
Most likely to win a gold medal [Crowd gasps.]
Oh, God.
Most likely to have a video go viral [Phone cameras clicking.]
And, of course, most likely to get bullied.
Hey, briefcase.
Oh, here you go.
I was calling you briefcase.
I didn't want your briefcase.
Oh.
Well, then.
Oh, hi.
Excuse me.
Could I please have-- Oh.
Okay, this is fun.
Uh, I get it now.
It's never gonna come to me.
[Laughs.]
Excuse me.
Oops.
Guess I'm supposed to clean this up like it's my fault? Happy to do it.
Happy to do it.
[Chuckles.]
Well man, what are you doing? Not so fast, huh? [Menacing instrumental music.]
Yuck.
[sucking.]
Your mom makes pretty good hummus.
I'd like to try some of her other dips.
[Chuckles.]
Thanks a lot! We didn't do anything.
What? Stare at a different section of the sky? [Grunts.]
I would've helped, but I don't think it would have gotten a laugh.
And why does it need to get a laugh? Class clown, Will.
I'm a shoe-in, but I don't want to risk it by doing something that isn't funny.
And there's nothing funny about courage.
There's nothing funny about you.
Yeah, I mean, you're just a dick.
He's right, Jay.
I'm scared of clowns, and I'm not scared of you.
Of course you guys don't think I'm funny.
All of my jokes are at your expense.
Everybody else here finds me hysterical.
Do they? Yeah.
I think your physical bits are funny.
I don't do physical bits.
I just figured because of your costumes.
These are my regular clothes, Neil.
Carly! Hey, girl! Ha.
So I want you to tell these jokers who the next class clown's gonna be.
Well, voting hasn't closed yet, but from what I can tell, Nicky D.
's gonna be hard to beat.
[Laughter.]
What? That guy's a hack.
[Laughter.]
Oh, he scares me.
Neil, don't.
[Sighs.]
See you tonight, Simon.
Yeah, definitely.
Wait.
What? What's happening tonight? Oh, you didn't know? Our house is getting fumigated, so we're staying at your place.
Yeah! Nicky D.
! Yeah, that guy's so funny.
Hey, if there's not enough room at Simon's, you can always stay at our house.
It's just me and my dad.
There's enough room.
We'll make room.
Cool.
It'll be just like when we were kids.
Remember all those sleepovers we used to have? Every single one.
[Laughs.]
Those were good times.
Maybe we'll even make a little sheet tent.
Simon's making a tent right now.
[Laughs.]
[Bell rings.]
It's definitely a way to get the ball moving forward or both balls moving forward.
[Laughs.]
Man, I wish some voters heard that.
You think she'll sleep in your room? Man, I hope so.
You hope not.
What? Dude, your room still looks like a five-year-old lives in it.
You really think she's gonna want to bump uglies on your Transformers sheets? Well, maybe she'll think he's Shia LaBeouf.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
She'll think, "oh, I'm in a room with a boy," and that never leads to sex unless you're Neil's dad.
Come on.
So what should I do? Okay, here's the plan.
I'll come over after school and give your room an extreme bone makeover if you promise me you'll help me out with class clown ideas.
Deal.
Awesome.
'Cause that's what friends do--they help each other out.
Both: Yup.
Every day.
Blood is thicker than water.
Friends are thicker than friends.
[Laughs.]
You guys need to help me with Donovan.
Okay, you want help with Donovan? Get a backpack.
No! I will not let that sociopath dictate how I choose to carry my books.
And your snacks.
And my snacks.
People like Donovan get away with treating people the way they do because everyone is too scared to do anything about it, and I will not be one of those people.
I just think if we all work together and make a plan--and there's something going on behind me, isn't there? [Orchestral fanfare.]
What are you oh.
In most areas of her life, my mother displays a startling lack of perception.
Sweetie, didn't you like your hummus? Uh, yeah, wasn't hungry.
Hmm.
Looks like you dipped a finger in it but not the radishes I gave you.
But when it comes to my humiliations, her abilities are uncanny.
Oh, my God.
Somebody touched it.
It's fine.
It's not fine.
You would never allow that.
You're right.
It's not fine.
You're being bullied again.
Who is it? This guy Donovan.
He's been on my case ever since his ex-girlfriend Charlotte showed some interest in me.
So he's trying to keep you two apart.
Nope.
Did that all on my own.
He's just doing it for sport now.
Well, I've been taking some self-defense classes.
Let me show you a move I learned.
Getting self-defense tips from my mother seems a little emasculating.
Come on.
Get up.
On your feet.
Let's go.
Now come at me like you're gonna rape me.
God! Mom! Ugh.
She's gonna be here in two hours and it looks like Sesame Street in here.
Maybe this will work for her.
Some girls like toys.
No, Jay was right.
Carly needs to feel like she's in a man's room.
Send her into mine.
Shut up, Todd.
You wouldn't even know what to do with her.
My pecker would.
Get out! [Chuckling.]
Yeah! What is that? I want to be his friend.
Be my friend.
Help me get rid of all this stuff.
You know, the great thing about the ninja turtles is that whenever Leonardo was in trouble, the other turtles were always there to help out.
Get a backpack! Oh, here's one.
[Sighs.]
Just help me with the wallpaper, okay? What? Come on! The remodeling mission wasn't going well, but reinforcements had arrived You guys think I'm funny, right? And turned out to be no help at all.
I thought we went over this already; We don't.
You were serious? All those times you laughed.
Are you being funny now? I'm not being funny.
I'm freaking out.
My dad's all over me because of this class clown thing.
How's it going for class clown this year? Uh, you know, there's some competition, but I'm pretty confident I'll get it.
You can't be confident about anything.
Insecurity drives a class clown.
You got to remember that.
Yeah, I know, dad.
I am--I am very insecure.
All right, good, 'cause I got class clown every year, okay? And your older brother got class clown every year.
It's our family legacy.
And if you don't get it, it'll be a goddamn embarrassment.
Now have some peanut brittle.
Dad.
It's fresh.
I'm not gonna open it.
Jay, focus for one second.
Okay, Carly's gonna be here in a couple hours, and I really need some help.
All right, I think the play here is to turn this space into a sexual playground.
Do you have a saddle? What? No.
Do you have an old dentist chair? I don't have a dentist chair! I have a racecar bed! Calm down.
I've got you covered.
Boom.
Black light.
This thing turns your room into Tron, and Tron makes girls super horny.
This room will be dripping with sex.
[Dramatic music rises.]
[All exclaiming.]
Unfortunately, the room was dripping with something else.
Ah! Gross! Simon, you're so gross! Turn the lights on! What is wrong with you? [Exclaiming.]
It's just glue! Let's keep thinking.
It was t-minus one hour to Carly.
[Rollicking rock music.]
Get up off the bed.
And we all pulled together to get Simon's room as ready as we could.
Now he just had to get her in it.
You guys are so sweet to put us up.
Oh, it's a pleasure.
You and Chuck can take the guest room, and Carly can take-- Mom, I've got my top bunk all set up for her.
You're cool with being on top, right? She can stay in my room.
Being in a little kid's room is probably the last thing you want.
I actually like being in kids' rooms.
It makes me want to crawl into a sleeping bag and get all snuggly.
What? Here we are.
Huh.
I don't remember it looking so crack house-y.
Well, I've grown up a lot since the last time you were here.
Todd.
[Laughs.]
[Chuckles.]
Dumb kid.
Don't grow up too quickly.
We had a lot of fun back then.
Remember when we would swear we were going to stay up all night long And you'd fall asleep in five minutes.
And then you'd start poking me.
I'm gonna poke you tonight.
[Coughing.]
I mean, you know.
We had a lot of fun back then.
Yeah.
So what about tonight? Do you want to get out the old Ouija board and see what the devil wants us to do? Actually, there's something that I really want to try.
- It's kind of goofy, but I read an article about it, and I think-- - All right.
I'm up for anything.
Okay.
Oh, you've come prepared.
Well, if we're going to do what I think we're gonna do, we're gonna need these.
What do you think we're gonna do? Lie down and I'll show you.
Thud! [Mystical flute music.]
The key to astral projection is to relax your body, Simon.
Astral? Can't try something simpler, like vaginal? I'm talking about an out-of-body experience.
Just breathe.
[Exhales loudly.]
You need to clear your mind of all the fears and doubts that hold you back.
[Breathes deeply.]
Okay, okay.
Just be in the moment, Simon.
Let it go.
Listen to your body.
Breathe in [inhales.]
And out.
[Exhales.]
In and out.
Now, as your spirit leaves your body, you are not your body.
Your body is not you.
You are not responsible for-- Simon! I'm sorry, I left my body! I'm back now.
It's me again.
What happened? I can explain everything.
So Simon's sleepover turned out to be a bigger disaster than his room renovation.
Well, you're an idiot, Simon.
Astral projection's like a free pass.
Once you're outside of your body, you stay outside of your body until you're in her body.
Well, I blew it, okay? They're moving to a hotel now.
Ugh, I wish I could stay at a hotel.
My dad made me sleep on the porch last night.
Still trying to feed my insecurity.
It's sweet, but I don't think it's gonna get me there.
That's it.
[Rollicking electronic music.]
Have you had your flu shot today? No, where you see a seasonal reminder for a vaccination, the class clown's brain sees an opportunity for a prank.
If I just rearrange some of the letters here And while Jay struggled to establish himself as a class clown, Donovan further established himself as a bully.
I heard about your little speech.
People say you're making plans to do something about me.
No, no, there's no plan.
Yeah, you said there needs to be.
No, that's not a plan, though.
Oh, well, here's my plan.
[Hostile percussive music.]
Hey, Jay, can you give me a wrench? Jay! Jay! [Ethereal music.]
Jaybird! I've got it! I did it! All I need is a "Z," a "P," and an exclamation point.
Oh, there's a church down the street with some Jesus quotes on it.
Neil, you're a genius.
There's still time.
Hey, if you think about it, could you get me some "R"s? And as Jay sought out a higher power for help, so did I.
Donovan.
Donovan, Donovan? Nah.
Doesn't sound like him.
He's a menace.
He's been harassing me since I got here.
Ugh.
Are you sure you're not just letting old-fashioned stereotypes influence you here, Will? I mean, not all kids with violent tendencies, "C" averages, and alcoholic stepfathers are bullies.
You probably shouldn't be giving out that information, Mr.
Gilbert.
Donovan can take care of himself.
Well, I'm afraid I can't, and you need to do something about it.
Do you know how long I've been trying to get through to this kid? [Twinkling percussive music.]
[Cheery whistling.]
[clears throat.]
[Laughs.]
There you go.
Yeah, not bad, Mr.
Gilbert.
Hey, call me Jean.
All right, Jean.
Yeah.
[Laughs.]
Oh.
I'm sorry, Will, but until I witness something personally, my hands are tied.
Well, don't say I didn't warn you.
And though my problem remained unsolved Wait.
There's still time.
Neil, grab a ladder.
[Defeated piano cadence.]
Jay's didn't.
No.
[Laughter.]
So brilliant.
[Laughter continues.]
With no friends or authority figures to back me up, I had to take matters into my own hands.
[Door latches.]
Will, you're missing another Tupperware container.
It's that bully, isn't it? No, mom.
I don't think you have to worry about that bully anymore.
Hmm.
Well, hey, don't you want your lunch? I'll buy it today.
[Wry guitar cadence.]
And Jay decided to take matters into his hands as well.
Hey.
What do you think? Not your funniest outfit.
Doesn't matter.
I'm not running for class clown anymore.
I've got something planned for lunch today that will completely redefine my image.
Show all these people who I truly am.
A pasty kid with freckles? No.
A badass.
Sweet.
It'll be fun to have a badass friend.
[Sighs.]
I won't have friends, Neil.
I won't let anyone that close.
[Hawk cries.]
Did you tell your dad? Yeah.
He's not happy about it.
Jay! Wait! Take the goddamn fart machine! So what's your plan? Just get a seat at lunch and you'll see.
What does that do? Makes them more cancerous.
But when lunch came, I had my own plan to tend to.
Why are you holding your briefcase like that? No reason.
I had taken a dump in it.
Oh, man, she won't even look at me.
She's probably afraid I'll hump her again.
Why don't you just go apologize? She might not accept it, but at least she'll know you can be around her without trying to grind her bones.
That's a good call.
Just apologize.
Maybe a quick hug.
Hold off on the hug.
Yeah.
Hey, Carly.
Oh, hey, Simon.
I'm sorry about the other night.
I was just--the candles and all the "let your body go" stuff.
It really wanted to go.
It's okay.
I get it.
That game can get a little weird.
Yes, the game.
The game's weird.
So are you guys gonna move back in? I don't want to put that strain on our friendship.
Right, neither do I.
Let's keep it unstrained.
So you and I, we're still cool.
Oh, yeah.
I'm used to you being stupid.
Oh, great.
Wait.
What? So Simon solved his problem by speaking from the heart.
And I would solve mine with a satchel of human waste.
[Menacing guitar music.]
Briefcase.
Oh, no, not on Caesar salad day.
[Whimpers.]
Damn it.
[Unzips.]
Hey.
Maybe, uh, lay off the nerd, let the baby have his briefcase.
You know what I mean? [Quietly.]
Shut up.
Shut up.
No, no, no.
Uh, or else you'll have to face disciplinary action.
Yeah.
No problem.
It's not my call.
Great.
Ugh, I hate talking business.
I'll see you later, buddy.
See you later, Mr.
Gilbert.
[Bittersweet guitar music.]
[engine rumbling.]
Auto shop is gonna be pissed.
Whew, don't care.
That is so badass.
I'm gonna drive this puppy across the courtyard, through campus, probably end up on the football field ripping doughnuts.
[Hawk cries.]
Yeah, I'll get suspended for a few days, but it'll be worth it.
[Tires screeching.]
[Engine revving.]
Jay, okay, look.
I'm sorry for the way I treated you earlier.
All right, but look, I brought some of my comedy bits.
They're classics.
You can still get clown.
No, dad, that isn't me anymore.
Please, don't do this.
You're a Cartwright.
You don't belong on the motorcycle.
You belong in the sidecar.
I'll show you a sidecar.
Yes! There comes a point in your life when you have to show the world who you really are.
[Inspirational music.]
And even if it doesn't work out exactly as you planned [Laughter.]
That was awesome! They're all voting for you! Biggest badass? Try again.
[Laughter continues.]
If deep down you know you really tried to stand up for yourself, you can at least accept what you get with your pride intact.
[Slow-clapping.]
That's my boy.
Whoa! Ugh! Who put that there? [Grunts.]
Even if you all you get is a briefcase full of your own feces.
Ugh.
I just got a text from a girl named Becky at the resort.
Boom! Becky's an RV-er, and she loves sex.
I don't know if I can lose it to someone other than Carly.
Oh, no, then you're never gonna lose it, Simon! Meet me outside in five minutes? Why are you wearing a condom? Protection and luck?