The Jack and Triumph Show (2015) s01e06 Episode Script
Dog House
1 The Jack and Triumph Show is filmed in front of legendary comedian Steven Wrong.
Ya-da, da-da-da, here is Triumph Ya-da, ya-be-doo-be-doo All right.
It's just you and me, Doughy Jabrone.
All right, Triumph.
Read 'em and weep.
Full house.
I laugh at your full house.
I have got an NSYNC-- four queens.
Well, well, well.
Well, well, well.
There we go.
Looks like you're down 2,800 fat ones, Joey.
Triumph, I don't have that kind of money.
It's okay, Joey.
You can work off your debt.
- Get up.
- What? I want you to do something you've never done before.
And what's that? Sing to an audience of heterosexual men.
"Bye Bye Bye", just your backup vocals and dance moves.
Let's go.
All right.
I You Come Come on Hee hee.
I'm actually getting aroused.
All right.
Time to leave.
No! No, no, no! He's not even halfway through.
Poker night's over, Triumph.
Get these three deuces out of here.
How dare you disrespect these three men.
Who do you think you are? The general public? I've got the animal-rights people coming over.
Caroline Rhea herself is gonna be here.
Whoa! Caroline Rhea's going to be here! Really? You mean the lady that you get when the Dell dude's not available? She's one of the big stars of 1995.
Now, what were you doing in 1995? Licking nightclub-toilet seats to get a trace of ecstasy? Honeys, I'm home! Uh-oh.
I've seen that dance before.
Somebody found their stash of old easter candy.
Jack, I want you to help me with the animal people.
And all you losers, get out.
All right, well, time to be going, then.
No! So help me, if Fatone walks out of here with his dignity intact, you will pay! - Hey! - Get out! Aah! I'm helping.
Boop be-dop-bop oh Oh, another pig-less blanket, Ms.
Rhea? Oh, thank you.
I'm still working on my "Chick-ain't-McNot-its.
" June, you must give us the recipe.
It's so delicious.
Well, the secret is that instead of meat, I use chunks of rainforest tree bark.
You know, June, you would make a wonderful spokesperson for our crucial elderly-and-Obama-hating demographic.
- Aww.
- Oh, believe me, Ms.
Rhea, there is nothing more important to June than the welfare of animals.
She loves animals.
'cause, unlike humans, animals don't care what she smells like on a bus.
Oh, June! June! Oh, June! Good news.
Look.
You can wear this perfume, June.
I sprayed it directly into both eyes, as you ordered, and I haven't gone blind yet.
Oh, my goodness.
His eyes They're-- They're actually smoking.
Oh, no, no, no.
No problem.
My eyes are fine.
It's just a mild allergic reaction to the dolphin we had for lunch.
Yesterday, I mean.
I-- I haven't been given food today.
This is how you treat your dog? No, no.
Triumph just likes to joke around.
You'd do anything for attention, wouldn't you, boy? Aah! I-- Whoa-- I'm sorry.
Sorry.
Learned reaction, folks.
What are you gonna do? Why don't you go upstairs, Triumph? As you wish, mistress June.
I'll go back to the cold, drafty attic.
Let me just put on the new coat you bought me.
You buy fur for a dog? All right, I think I have now just finally seen enough.
Your membership is revoked, and your subscription to Endangered Animals on Celebrity Jugs Magazine is canceled.
Goodbye! Uh, Triumph, what the heck were you doing? It's called getting even.
Like if you cut off God's chin.
You follow? You pillow-humping turd-muncher.
Okay, everybody settle down.
I'm sure Triumph feels terrible for intentionally ruining your meeting.
Well, screw that.
From now on, if you're going to live here, you're gonna stay in the doghouse.
The doghouse?! As you can see, I'm very surprised by this.
And concerned.
Yee-dee-doo-doo-dee Aw, cheer up, buddy.
Oh, look.
You got a little poker table.
Uh, and where do you want me to put your choke collar? Who cares? No one's ever gotten laid in a doghouse.
Why do you think Scooby-Doo and Shaggy never consummated their relationship? Hey, why don't you just buy June an apology gift? What?! Me apologize to her?! And sacrifice my dignity?! Wait.
Uh, where's my George Foreman [bleep.]
pillow? Uh Ugh.
Here.
Boy, he sure likes endorsing things.
Yes Well, please, Triumph, just apologize.
Well, you could even fake it, like Gwyneth Paltrow expressing empathy for another human being.
No.
This is my home now.
If you want to watch my sweet, little punim at night, you'll have to watch one of these.
Watching our old show won't be the same as being with you.
This tape doesn't smell like tobacco and cat semen.
Have you actually smelled it? What do you know? It does.
Ya bad-a-boop ba be ba Poor guy.
The house seems so lonely without him.
Del-lee-doo I'm scared.
Stupid nature! Hey, nature, screw you! Aaah! Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Okay, take it.
Take it all.
Take everything.
Take my iPhone.
Bastard.
The brightness is set to maximum, you nocturnal piece of shit! Be-ba-be-ba-boo I sure wish there was a way I could sneak Triumph in here without June knowing.
And now we return to Triumph's Boy.
Hurry, Triumph! We've got to get to the other side of this wall before the explosion factory blows up! Oh, boy.
I'm already on the edge of my seat.
I hope they win the show.
Tunnel, Triumph! We need a tunnel to the factory! Yeah! Tunnel! Tunnel! Tunnel.
Of course! That's why Triumph violently threw this tape at my head.
He wants me to dig a tunnel so that he can sneak into the house at night without June knowing.
Triumph Nadler, you're a genius! What? What are you trying to tell me, Triumph? Look at what a star I was.
That's when I used to work out with Steve Guttenberg.
God, I miss steroids.
What?! There's a fire at match-head theater?! Jesus.
How many burning-building ones did we do? The whole town must have looked like Detroit.
Wait a minute.
Burning buildings? That's it.
All I have to do is burn this doghouse down.
Triumph and Triumph's boy, you two will be forever famous in our fair town for the good deed you've done.
Famous? Wait a minute.
"Famous"? That's it.
I get Jack to save somebody from the burning doghouse while I film it.
Then he becomes a star again, and we're back on top.
Aw, yes! Triumph, I love you.
Wait a minute.
Licking? That's it.
That's it! This show is full of good ideas.
Boom-dee-doom-dee-doom What am I going to do? What-- Oh.
Fire.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute Oh, boy.
Got to think.
Okay.
What are some things in the home you should be worried about when you're doing fire safety? Right? You want-- Yeah? Exactly.
You want to worry about matches.
You want to make sure you don't have lighters or matches around.
- You don't light it.
- Exactly.
You want to make sure there's no hazards in your house Just a kid.
Everything's cool.
smoke detectors in the hallways, right? Question! Oh? You have a question? Uh, what is the absolute minimum amount of toasters one needs to plug in before a fire breaks out? Geez, I-I don't really know how-- I've got to say, I think any more than two, because you don't want to blow a fuse.
"More than two.
" Yeah.
Any other questions you guys have? Um, when there's an arson, how often is the family pet a potential suspect? Whenever we've had fires, we never, ever suspect the family pet.
No, we always look to other people in the home.
Which religion has the most candle-lighting? Uh, do you happen to be here with the school today? I just-- I'm a kid.
Look.
I'm a kid.
I'm into Pokémon, right? Pokémon, like everyone else.
Yay! Pokémon! I love Pokémon! There you go.
See? - Okay.
- Up top, buddy.
- Pokémon! - Yes! Pokémon! If you have any more questions, make sure they're intelligent ones.
Oh, thank you.
Okay.
How much resentment do you have towards Moe Howard for constantly poking you in the eyes? Okay, no more questions from the dog.
Does anyone else have a question? I do! I do! I do! I do! I do! I do! - Only the other kids? - Yeah.
Seriously? Not gonna take any more questions from me? No more questions for you.
You talk too much.
- Yeah? - Me! Me! Anthony.
"Which-- Which pajama tops are the most flammable?" Is that really your question? - That's his question.
- All right.
Well, the most flammable would be anything that is not cotton.
You know, cotton is the best type of pajama to wear.
"Not cotton.
" Does anybody else have any other questions? All right.
Right here in the front.
Okay.
Here you go.
"Would a 400-watt halogen bulb "be too dangerous for my grow lamp? "If not, what would be?" You have a grow lamp? Yeah.
That would be very dangerous to have in your home.
I don't think you answered the question.
Okay, how about one of the older kids now? All right, how about you in the back? "If you get called to a fire, "how much would it cost "for you to drive in the other direction?" All right, guys.
I really don't think these have been appropriate questions.
I think we should move on to another set of questions.
Is there any more questions that doesn't sound like they're written by a stupid dog? Oh, snap! Okay.
How about the girl in the back row? "Do you have to be Irish to be a fireman, or is being chubby and pasty enough?" I think that's enough questions for today.
Thank you all for coming.
Hey, guys, you cool with me sitting with you? - Sure.
- Yes? Yeah.
Salud.
- Salud! - Cheers! Yes Hibachi, the ancient Japanese art of impressing white grandparents.
That chicken looks good.
Make mine light on the E.
coli, please.
It's so good to talk to people again.
I've been living alone for the last day and a half.
This old bitch threw me out.
Hey, do you know anybody who would commit arson for me? You look like a shady guy.
What do you work in? What's your job? - Me? - Yeah.
I do construction.
Oh! Jackpot! Surely you must know someone who would commit arson for me.
Whoa! Right there.
You're a genius.
No one's ever said that to you, have they? No.
Ya ba-da-boo ba-be-ba Oh ho ho, yes! It's poker time.
Cool! Hey, what's with all the candles? Oh, uh, yeah.
For the really religious Jews, it's still Hanukkah.
Yeah, it's the 74th day.
Huh.
I didn't know you were religious.
- So that's pretty cool.
- Yeah.
- Where's everybody else? - Oh, they're running late.
You know how busy Vincent Pastore and Tay Zonday are.
I hear that.
Be-ba-be-ba-boo Oh.
Oh! Oh, darn it, June.
That closet door is stuck.
Okay.
But there's a big anti-fur protest, and I need to wear a coat that wasn't made from animals.
Oh.
This nylon thing, which was sewn by Chinese prisoners, should do.
She's gone? Yes.
But this is sordid business, Mr.
Pastore.
- I hate lying to June.
- Hey, remember! We're doing it for the [bleep.]
dog! - I love that [bleep.]
dog.
- Thank you.
Uh, now I believe there was a matter of compensation.
Yeah.
Come on.
Pay up.
Mmm.
And? Here.
Come on.
Let's get to work.
Step back.
Doo-doo doo-be-doo-be-doo Five-card draw.
Here they come.
Yes.
Tonight's my night.
I plan to bet big regardless of the strength of my hand.
Awesome.
And wait till you see what's coming, Joey.
I hired a chef.
In fact, I'm going to go check on him right now.
Okay.
Lou Pearlman's ghost! Four aces.
Settle down, Joey.
Settle down.
Don't get too excited.
You don't want to scare Triumph off.
You know what? Just better practice my poker face until he gets back.
No.
Wow.
So tragic.
Doo doo-lee-op-bop oh Now we're getting somewhere.
Hang in there, Triumph! We're coming! Hey.
Who's in charge of this operation, anyway? Why ain't I up front? Well, because you keep stopping for salami and sambuca breaks.
Well, I'm a SAG actor.
I'm entitled to my breaks.
Well, plus, I need you to hold onto all these cool things we found that Triumph buried.
I don't want no [bleep.]
frisbee.
And this dead thing? You know, I remember Triumph telling me about that.
I thought he was just bragging.
You know what? We should switch.
I want to take the lead.
Oh, with all due respect, Mr.
Pastore, with your eating habits, you'll never be a leading man.
Come on.
Let's switch.
No! Sir, please! Stop it! Whoa! Whoa! - Aaah! - Who the hell's that?! What? The Dell dude?! Hey.
I'm-- I'm so glad someone finally found me.
Triumph buried me down here years ago.
- He said it was for the best.
- Yeah.
I could see that.
Hey, could you get a message to my family that I'm alive? Oh, well, we'd love to help, but right now we have a friend to surprise.
I get that.
Here.
This will keep you busy.
There.
Yay! Here, get out of my way.
Come on.
I'll show you how to get out of this tunnel.
Ah, arigato.
Arigato, arigato.
Okay, there.
Go.
Perfect.
Jack should be getting home any time now to save Fatone.
- Hello.
- Hello! Hibachi time! Oh, yes! Oh, yes! Ho ho! Am I dreaming or what? Whoa! Hoo hoo hoo! I just want to thank you for coming back, ladies.
I wanted you to see firsthand that I'm not an animal abuser.
Well, we believe you.
So, where's Triumph? Oh, he's in the backyard.
I bought him a cozy, new doghouse.
Look! Holy crap! It wasn't on fire when I bought it, I swear! Where the hell is Jack? This place went up at 4:04, and he always gets off the bus at.
.
4:05.
Aah! Wow.
He really wants to win that hand.
I should help him.
But what if Jack comes two minutes later to save that hairy meatball on video? I'd [bleep.]
kill myself.
Where's Triumph? Don't worry.
He's been well-trained in the event of a fire.
Triumph, come here, boy.
That goes against every animal instinct.
He'd rather run into a raging fire than towards you.
I have definitely seen enough, again.
Joey! You've got to get out of here! No way, Triumph.
The hand's not over yet.
I'm all-in.
Aah! Whoa! The singing guy's on fire.
Oh! I'm all out of saliva.
Hey! My sambuca canteen! If you'll just let me explain-- Aaaah! Oh, my goodness.
What was that beastly howl? Aaaaah! Oh, my God.
You kept a bear in the doghouse, too? You don't understand.
- That's Joey Fatone.
- How dare you! All right, he's let himself go since he's been out of the wild.
But to call him "Joey Fatone"? Hasn't he been humiliated enough? Be-ba-be-ba-boo Triumph, I just want to thank you for explaining to those women that the fire was just part of the bestiality/S&M porn movie that you two were making.
The important thing is that the Dell dude's back.
Thanks, Triumph.
I'm sorry.
I meant the least important thing.
The important thing is that we're all okay and that the doghouse is burned to the ground.
I just wonder how Mr.
Fatone is doing.
Hmm.
Don't you worry, Mr.
Bear.
Your days of abuse are over.
We're gonna get you back to a healthy bear weight soon.
And you won't be so aggressive once we have you neutered.
Mnh, no.
I'm Joey Fatone.
I'm Joey Fatone.
Aww, poor thing.
He was taught to say "I'm Joey Fatone.
" How incredibly tragic.
Bum-ba-dee-dum
Ya-da, da-da-da, here is Triumph Ya-da, ya-be-doo-be-doo All right.
It's just you and me, Doughy Jabrone.
All right, Triumph.
Read 'em and weep.
Full house.
I laugh at your full house.
I have got an NSYNC-- four queens.
Well, well, well.
Well, well, well.
There we go.
Looks like you're down 2,800 fat ones, Joey.
Triumph, I don't have that kind of money.
It's okay, Joey.
You can work off your debt.
- Get up.
- What? I want you to do something you've never done before.
And what's that? Sing to an audience of heterosexual men.
"Bye Bye Bye", just your backup vocals and dance moves.
Let's go.
All right.
I You Come Come on Hee hee.
I'm actually getting aroused.
All right.
Time to leave.
No! No, no, no! He's not even halfway through.
Poker night's over, Triumph.
Get these three deuces out of here.
How dare you disrespect these three men.
Who do you think you are? The general public? I've got the animal-rights people coming over.
Caroline Rhea herself is gonna be here.
Whoa! Caroline Rhea's going to be here! Really? You mean the lady that you get when the Dell dude's not available? She's one of the big stars of 1995.
Now, what were you doing in 1995? Licking nightclub-toilet seats to get a trace of ecstasy? Honeys, I'm home! Uh-oh.
I've seen that dance before.
Somebody found their stash of old easter candy.
Jack, I want you to help me with the animal people.
And all you losers, get out.
All right, well, time to be going, then.
No! So help me, if Fatone walks out of here with his dignity intact, you will pay! - Hey! - Get out! Aah! I'm helping.
Boop be-dop-bop oh Oh, another pig-less blanket, Ms.
Rhea? Oh, thank you.
I'm still working on my "Chick-ain't-McNot-its.
" June, you must give us the recipe.
It's so delicious.
Well, the secret is that instead of meat, I use chunks of rainforest tree bark.
You know, June, you would make a wonderful spokesperson for our crucial elderly-and-Obama-hating demographic.
- Aww.
- Oh, believe me, Ms.
Rhea, there is nothing more important to June than the welfare of animals.
She loves animals.
'cause, unlike humans, animals don't care what she smells like on a bus.
Oh, June! June! Oh, June! Good news.
Look.
You can wear this perfume, June.
I sprayed it directly into both eyes, as you ordered, and I haven't gone blind yet.
Oh, my goodness.
His eyes They're-- They're actually smoking.
Oh, no, no, no.
No problem.
My eyes are fine.
It's just a mild allergic reaction to the dolphin we had for lunch.
Yesterday, I mean.
I-- I haven't been given food today.
This is how you treat your dog? No, no.
Triumph just likes to joke around.
You'd do anything for attention, wouldn't you, boy? Aah! I-- Whoa-- I'm sorry.
Sorry.
Learned reaction, folks.
What are you gonna do? Why don't you go upstairs, Triumph? As you wish, mistress June.
I'll go back to the cold, drafty attic.
Let me just put on the new coat you bought me.
You buy fur for a dog? All right, I think I have now just finally seen enough.
Your membership is revoked, and your subscription to Endangered Animals on Celebrity Jugs Magazine is canceled.
Goodbye! Uh, Triumph, what the heck were you doing? It's called getting even.
Like if you cut off God's chin.
You follow? You pillow-humping turd-muncher.
Okay, everybody settle down.
I'm sure Triumph feels terrible for intentionally ruining your meeting.
Well, screw that.
From now on, if you're going to live here, you're gonna stay in the doghouse.
The doghouse?! As you can see, I'm very surprised by this.
And concerned.
Yee-dee-doo-doo-dee Aw, cheer up, buddy.
Oh, look.
You got a little poker table.
Uh, and where do you want me to put your choke collar? Who cares? No one's ever gotten laid in a doghouse.
Why do you think Scooby-Doo and Shaggy never consummated their relationship? Hey, why don't you just buy June an apology gift? What?! Me apologize to her?! And sacrifice my dignity?! Wait.
Uh, where's my George Foreman [bleep.]
pillow? Uh Ugh.
Here.
Boy, he sure likes endorsing things.
Yes Well, please, Triumph, just apologize.
Well, you could even fake it, like Gwyneth Paltrow expressing empathy for another human being.
No.
This is my home now.
If you want to watch my sweet, little punim at night, you'll have to watch one of these.
Watching our old show won't be the same as being with you.
This tape doesn't smell like tobacco and cat semen.
Have you actually smelled it? What do you know? It does.
Ya bad-a-boop ba be ba Poor guy.
The house seems so lonely without him.
Del-lee-doo I'm scared.
Stupid nature! Hey, nature, screw you! Aaah! Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Okay, take it.
Take it all.
Take everything.
Take my iPhone.
Bastard.
The brightness is set to maximum, you nocturnal piece of shit! Be-ba-be-ba-boo I sure wish there was a way I could sneak Triumph in here without June knowing.
And now we return to Triumph's Boy.
Hurry, Triumph! We've got to get to the other side of this wall before the explosion factory blows up! Oh, boy.
I'm already on the edge of my seat.
I hope they win the show.
Tunnel, Triumph! We need a tunnel to the factory! Yeah! Tunnel! Tunnel! Tunnel.
Of course! That's why Triumph violently threw this tape at my head.
He wants me to dig a tunnel so that he can sneak into the house at night without June knowing.
Triumph Nadler, you're a genius! What? What are you trying to tell me, Triumph? Look at what a star I was.
That's when I used to work out with Steve Guttenberg.
God, I miss steroids.
What?! There's a fire at match-head theater?! Jesus.
How many burning-building ones did we do? The whole town must have looked like Detroit.
Wait a minute.
Burning buildings? That's it.
All I have to do is burn this doghouse down.
Triumph and Triumph's boy, you two will be forever famous in our fair town for the good deed you've done.
Famous? Wait a minute.
"Famous"? That's it.
I get Jack to save somebody from the burning doghouse while I film it.
Then he becomes a star again, and we're back on top.
Aw, yes! Triumph, I love you.
Wait a minute.
Licking? That's it.
That's it! This show is full of good ideas.
Boom-dee-doom-dee-doom What am I going to do? What-- Oh.
Fire.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute Oh, boy.
Got to think.
Okay.
What are some things in the home you should be worried about when you're doing fire safety? Right? You want-- Yeah? Exactly.
You want to worry about matches.
You want to make sure you don't have lighters or matches around.
- You don't light it.
- Exactly.
You want to make sure there's no hazards in your house Just a kid.
Everything's cool.
smoke detectors in the hallways, right? Question! Oh? You have a question? Uh, what is the absolute minimum amount of toasters one needs to plug in before a fire breaks out? Geez, I-I don't really know how-- I've got to say, I think any more than two, because you don't want to blow a fuse.
"More than two.
" Yeah.
Any other questions you guys have? Um, when there's an arson, how often is the family pet a potential suspect? Whenever we've had fires, we never, ever suspect the family pet.
No, we always look to other people in the home.
Which religion has the most candle-lighting? Uh, do you happen to be here with the school today? I just-- I'm a kid.
Look.
I'm a kid.
I'm into Pokémon, right? Pokémon, like everyone else.
Yay! Pokémon! I love Pokémon! There you go.
See? - Okay.
- Up top, buddy.
- Pokémon! - Yes! Pokémon! If you have any more questions, make sure they're intelligent ones.
Oh, thank you.
Okay.
How much resentment do you have towards Moe Howard for constantly poking you in the eyes? Okay, no more questions from the dog.
Does anyone else have a question? I do! I do! I do! I do! I do! I do! - Only the other kids? - Yeah.
Seriously? Not gonna take any more questions from me? No more questions for you.
You talk too much.
- Yeah? - Me! Me! Anthony.
"Which-- Which pajama tops are the most flammable?" Is that really your question? - That's his question.
- All right.
Well, the most flammable would be anything that is not cotton.
You know, cotton is the best type of pajama to wear.
"Not cotton.
" Does anybody else have any other questions? All right.
Right here in the front.
Okay.
Here you go.
"Would a 400-watt halogen bulb "be too dangerous for my grow lamp? "If not, what would be?" You have a grow lamp? Yeah.
That would be very dangerous to have in your home.
I don't think you answered the question.
Okay, how about one of the older kids now? All right, how about you in the back? "If you get called to a fire, "how much would it cost "for you to drive in the other direction?" All right, guys.
I really don't think these have been appropriate questions.
I think we should move on to another set of questions.
Is there any more questions that doesn't sound like they're written by a stupid dog? Oh, snap! Okay.
How about the girl in the back row? "Do you have to be Irish to be a fireman, or is being chubby and pasty enough?" I think that's enough questions for today.
Thank you all for coming.
Hey, guys, you cool with me sitting with you? - Sure.
- Yes? Yeah.
Salud.
- Salud! - Cheers! Yes Hibachi, the ancient Japanese art of impressing white grandparents.
That chicken looks good.
Make mine light on the E.
coli, please.
It's so good to talk to people again.
I've been living alone for the last day and a half.
This old bitch threw me out.
Hey, do you know anybody who would commit arson for me? You look like a shady guy.
What do you work in? What's your job? - Me? - Yeah.
I do construction.
Oh! Jackpot! Surely you must know someone who would commit arson for me.
Whoa! Right there.
You're a genius.
No one's ever said that to you, have they? No.
Ya ba-da-boo ba-be-ba Oh ho ho, yes! It's poker time.
Cool! Hey, what's with all the candles? Oh, uh, yeah.
For the really religious Jews, it's still Hanukkah.
Yeah, it's the 74th day.
Huh.
I didn't know you were religious.
- So that's pretty cool.
- Yeah.
- Where's everybody else? - Oh, they're running late.
You know how busy Vincent Pastore and Tay Zonday are.
I hear that.
Be-ba-be-ba-boo Oh.
Oh! Oh, darn it, June.
That closet door is stuck.
Okay.
But there's a big anti-fur protest, and I need to wear a coat that wasn't made from animals.
Oh.
This nylon thing, which was sewn by Chinese prisoners, should do.
She's gone? Yes.
But this is sordid business, Mr.
Pastore.
- I hate lying to June.
- Hey, remember! We're doing it for the [bleep.]
dog! - I love that [bleep.]
dog.
- Thank you.
Uh, now I believe there was a matter of compensation.
Yeah.
Come on.
Pay up.
Mmm.
And? Here.
Come on.
Let's get to work.
Step back.
Doo-doo doo-be-doo-be-doo Five-card draw.
Here they come.
Yes.
Tonight's my night.
I plan to bet big regardless of the strength of my hand.
Awesome.
And wait till you see what's coming, Joey.
I hired a chef.
In fact, I'm going to go check on him right now.
Okay.
Lou Pearlman's ghost! Four aces.
Settle down, Joey.
Settle down.
Don't get too excited.
You don't want to scare Triumph off.
You know what? Just better practice my poker face until he gets back.
No.
Wow.
So tragic.
Doo doo-lee-op-bop oh Now we're getting somewhere.
Hang in there, Triumph! We're coming! Hey.
Who's in charge of this operation, anyway? Why ain't I up front? Well, because you keep stopping for salami and sambuca breaks.
Well, I'm a SAG actor.
I'm entitled to my breaks.
Well, plus, I need you to hold onto all these cool things we found that Triumph buried.
I don't want no [bleep.]
frisbee.
And this dead thing? You know, I remember Triumph telling me about that.
I thought he was just bragging.
You know what? We should switch.
I want to take the lead.
Oh, with all due respect, Mr.
Pastore, with your eating habits, you'll never be a leading man.
Come on.
Let's switch.
No! Sir, please! Stop it! Whoa! Whoa! - Aaah! - Who the hell's that?! What? The Dell dude?! Hey.
I'm-- I'm so glad someone finally found me.
Triumph buried me down here years ago.
- He said it was for the best.
- Yeah.
I could see that.
Hey, could you get a message to my family that I'm alive? Oh, well, we'd love to help, but right now we have a friend to surprise.
I get that.
Here.
This will keep you busy.
There.
Yay! Here, get out of my way.
Come on.
I'll show you how to get out of this tunnel.
Ah, arigato.
Arigato, arigato.
Okay, there.
Go.
Perfect.
Jack should be getting home any time now to save Fatone.
- Hello.
- Hello! Hibachi time! Oh, yes! Oh, yes! Ho ho! Am I dreaming or what? Whoa! Hoo hoo hoo! I just want to thank you for coming back, ladies.
I wanted you to see firsthand that I'm not an animal abuser.
Well, we believe you.
So, where's Triumph? Oh, he's in the backyard.
I bought him a cozy, new doghouse.
Look! Holy crap! It wasn't on fire when I bought it, I swear! Where the hell is Jack? This place went up at 4:04, and he always gets off the bus at.
.
4:05.
Aah! Wow.
He really wants to win that hand.
I should help him.
But what if Jack comes two minutes later to save that hairy meatball on video? I'd [bleep.]
kill myself.
Where's Triumph? Don't worry.
He's been well-trained in the event of a fire.
Triumph, come here, boy.
That goes against every animal instinct.
He'd rather run into a raging fire than towards you.
I have definitely seen enough, again.
Joey! You've got to get out of here! No way, Triumph.
The hand's not over yet.
I'm all-in.
Aah! Whoa! The singing guy's on fire.
Oh! I'm all out of saliva.
Hey! My sambuca canteen! If you'll just let me explain-- Aaaah! Oh, my goodness.
What was that beastly howl? Aaaaah! Oh, my God.
You kept a bear in the doghouse, too? You don't understand.
- That's Joey Fatone.
- How dare you! All right, he's let himself go since he's been out of the wild.
But to call him "Joey Fatone"? Hasn't he been humiliated enough? Be-ba-be-ba-boo Triumph, I just want to thank you for explaining to those women that the fire was just part of the bestiality/S&M porn movie that you two were making.
The important thing is that the Dell dude's back.
Thanks, Triumph.
I'm sorry.
I meant the least important thing.
The important thing is that we're all okay and that the doghouse is burned to the ground.
I just wonder how Mr.
Fatone is doing.
Hmm.
Don't you worry, Mr.
Bear.
Your days of abuse are over.
We're gonna get you back to a healthy bear weight soon.
And you won't be so aggressive once we have you neutered.
Mnh, no.
I'm Joey Fatone.
I'm Joey Fatone.
Aww, poor thing.
He was taught to say "I'm Joey Fatone.
" How incredibly tragic.
Bum-ba-dee-dum