The Job Lot (2013) s01e06 Episode Script

1 Hmm? All right.
We're all ready for the briefing.
This is from Chris.
Chris, Chris? Your ex Chris? Yes Chris.
Is there another Chris? OK.
I'm just gonna go.
It's no big deal.
I'll open it later.
Cool.
I'm not even bloomin' bothered what it is.
I'll just pop it in my end tray.
Mm-hm, yeah.
Actually, I may as well open it now.
"Simple Minds".
He remembered.
Something's come up, Karl.
I'll need a bit of head space today.
I'm making you acting manager.
What? No.
No, thanks.
I don't think I can be acting manager.
You're ready.
No-one likes you if you're manager.
Don't be silly.
People like me, don't they? Do they? Yeah.
Yeah, I just Just I mean, I-I I won't do it as well as you, and no-one will listen to me.
Make yourself heard.
If you do not throw a stone, the pool will not ripple.
What pool? Thanks, Karl.
You're my special number two.
Uh, apparently we're running low on copier paper.
So, uh, essential use only.
That's been underlined, so it must be important.
Other than that, just, you know carry on as normal.
Do we have to call you "sir"? No, just Karl.
Sir Karl? Can we knock off early? Well, if it was up to me It is up to you.
We'll strike if you don't let us.
Then, I'll sack you all.
That was a joke.
I don't understand why you're acting manager.
Well, I think Trish is just really busy, so - No.
I don't understand why YOU'RE acting manager.
Well, because I'm .
.
cos I am.
Oh right.
So, she's written here that we're breaking at 4:30 for cards and presents.
Who for, Sir Karl? Oh, my giddy ant, it's her birthday.
It's Trish's birthday.
How could I forget? Same day I had my hysterectomy.
Happy anniversary.
Why don't we get her a card and a present? It needs to be something special.
Smelly candle.
No.
What about one of them day experiences? Swim with dolphins, that type of thing.
I wouldn't.
My mate's misses did that in Florida, and the dolphin touched her up.
With its nose.
Shall I put that down as a maybe, then? Can we go? Oh, right, yes.
Go Go get 'em.
Karl, a little favour to ask.
I need to store a few roles of carpet in here later.
How many? Two or three.
Well, is it two or three? It's eight.
Lovely job, this.
Massive house.
All cream.
They haven't got kids.
Trish wouldn't be too pleased with that.
Obviously, I don't care.
Pfft! Whatever.
But Trish would.
I won't tell if you don't.
But there won't be anything to tell, will there? Trust me, Karl, there won't be nothing to tell.
Hi, Chris.
It-it's Trish.
Look, I just wanted to say At the tone, please record your message.
Hi, Chrish.
It's Tris.
Sorry, no.
It's Chris.
No.
Sorry.
You're-you're Chris.
I'm Trish.
Sorry, start again.
Erm I just wanted to say - I just wanted to say thank you for the uh "Minds" CD.
I-I know what this means.
Trish? It-it's Mum.
Something's wrong with the oven.
I think we erm We need to talk.
Don't you? I've cleared my diary for the day.
I'll be in our usual place at 1:00.
All right then, see ya.
Karl? As acting manager, there's a problem you need to deal with.
So sorry to keep you waiting, Mrs Carter.
This is Karl.
He's ACTING as manager.
How can I help? I had a capability assessment, and they say I'm fit for work, but I'm not.
She's got osteoarthritis.
They tested me on a good day.
Just cos she can do it once, doesn't mean she can do it all the time.
Right, OK.
As acting manager, what can you do about that? I can't afford to lose my benefits.
She needs money to live on, Karl.
Well, you can appeal.
And in your experience as acting manager how long will she have to wait? Up to six months.
Six months? It's terrible.
Sorry, I don't make the rules.
But you're the manager.
Acting manager.
Karl, love, have you got a minute? Yes.
People have been waiting ages.
They're getting fed up.
Even Graham's looking restless.
And I'm on my own.
Well well, is Paul not around? Oh, I'll try him.
Oh, hang on, the doo-dah's knackered.
Excuse me, Karl, got a bit of a problem.
Mother Hen to Balls of Steel, what is your position, please? Karl? Huh? Mother Hen to Balls of Steel, - what is your position, please? - Keep coming.
Mother Hen to Balls of Steel Bit more.
Bit more.
Bit less.
Then, right, I got up on the Saturday morning, and the squirrel was there again.
So, I let him into my flat and I've called him Steven.
Oh, yeah? I did give him some crisps that I had in the fridge, but he didn't like them.
I think that's cos they were salt and vinegar.
Squirrels don't like vinegar.
Or salt.
Or crisps.
Sorry, Graham, what did you want? That's what I'm getting to, Karl.
I should have signed on an hour ago.
I have got to get back because I shut Steven in the airing cupboard to sleep.
I think he might need the toilet.
Who are you booked in with? Danielle.
Danielle? Sir Karl, look at this, we're getting Trish a photo cake.
It's perfect.
Have you been doing any work this morning, Danielle? Only Graham's been waiting to sign on for ages.
Give us a chance.
We've been trying to find Trish a pressie.
She is gonna love this.
I know for a fact they do it in Asda.
We need a picture of her.
Karl? Just-just a minute.
I can get a picture of her, and she won't know I've taken it.
How you gonna do that? So, anyway - I take secret pictures of people every day.
Do you now? In my capacity as a fraud officer.
Uh, Danielle - Karl? Just hold on.
Seriously, just get back to work.
How do you even get a cake in a printer? Danielle, they don't put the whole cake in the printer.
They just put the icing through.
Karl? What do you want?! - Sorry.
- What do you want? Mrs Carter has glued herself to my desk.
I'm not going anywhere until I get my benefits sorted.
Thanks for all your help.
Oh, great! All right, Trish.
You called me.
No, I didn't.
My mistake.
What's this? I just got a text.
What? Sorry, it's a long text.
George, can I ask you a hypothetical question? Free country.
Fire away.
Imagine there was a woman who worked very very hard.
So hard, in fact, she was rarely at home.
And her husband ended up having a sexual affair with let's say for argument's sake, a spiteful little tramp who works in a leisure centre.
I'm listening.
And um and when this woman found out about the affair, she was very sad.
Medically.
And and she did some some silly things, which she now regrets.
Like what? Oh, you know, silent phone calls in the night, followed him into work, went through his bins.
What? But now time has moved on.
And he has made it clear he would like to try again.
And she feels ready to forgive.
Why? Because she feels stronger.
No, why does he want her back? She sounds like a nut-job.
He should stick with the bird from the leisure centre.
He's not going to do that! Because she's not his soul mate and she never will be.
OK? OK.
Well, thanks, then.
Oh, no.
Oh, Trish.
Oh! Where is Paul? Can you radio him in? I can't get it off my belt, Karl.
Let me have a go.
I'll warn you now, love, I'm not letting anyone move me until I get what I need.
You're in for a long wait, then, because we do not and will not negotiate with terrorists.
Terrorists? I thought you were on my side.
You're gonna rip my trousers.
We've got to pay for these ourselves.
Fine.
Hello, Paul? He won't answer unless you use his handle.
Balls of Steel, where are you? Well, I'm not down there.
Where have you been? Getting that carpet.
Looks like rain.
Oh, yeah, it smells when it's wet.
Oh.
I said you couldn't.
No.
You said Trish wouldn't like it.
Yeah, but I meant I wouldn't like it.
You can't store eight rolls of carpet.
It's more like 15, what with the underlay.
Oh, this is all one, big joke to you, is it? How about this for a joke? You've got a verbal warning.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! I don't get it.
No, well, I mean it.
Verbal warning.
Don't be daft, Karl.
You can't do that.
Do you want one, as well? Don't you cheek me, young man.
I've got knickers older than you! - What are you doing? - Look at this.
"Trish.
We found this under the car seat.
We don't want it.
Chris & Paula.
" I thought he'd remembered my special day.
I thought he'd realised he'd made a mistake, and wanted to give our marriage a second try.
Still, at least you got your CD back.
I'm meeting him in an hour.
What do I say? I've made a complete boob of myself.
Come with me to the pub.
It would kill him to see me with someone else.
Would it? Yes! Someone young and fit, he'd hate it! Oh, but the thing is I've just given Paul a verbal warning and a woman's glued herself to Angela's desk.
I love the way you're throwing yourself into this role, but some things are more important than being manager of this job centre.
But if I leave, who's gonna be in charge? Manager? Are you joking? I get ID'd buying scissors.
You'll be fine.
How come you get to go to the pub? I don't want to go.
I'll go, then.
You can't.
You're manager.
Can I give myself the afternoon off? Oh, please, Dan, it's you or Angela.
Fine.
I'll do it.
You go and be teacher's pet.
I'm not teacher's pet.
Come on, Karl.
Here's your coat.
What does Chris look like? He's a fireman.
Someone's coming, look like you're having a good time.
How? Just laugh.
We're having a good time.
He is definitely coming, isn't he? Yes.
You spoke to him and he said he was coming? - Not TO him, I left a message.
- Oh.
We're enjoying ourselves.
So, you've not heard from him at all? No.
Oh, Trish.
I don't think he's coming.
No.
I'm sorry, Karl.
I had to come, just in case.
Do you know what it's like being on your own? It's lonely.
Going to sleep and waking up in an empty flat, buying dinner for one, having the same meal two nights in a row cos - Everything comes in twin packs.
Yes! What do you want? I will have a Jagerbomb.
Like it explains in the letter, you're no longer eligible to sign on because your partner's income exceeds the threshold.
Like I've been saying, I'm not married.
You know this, I've been signing on for ages.
According to the system, you married a Susan Braithwaite in 1974.
I wasn't born in 1974.
Well, I can only deal with the information I've got.
Come on.
That's obviously a mistake.
Thank you.
I'm sorry, this is confidential.
I don't even know a Susan Braithwaite.
She's not my wife.
You'll need to prove that.
How's he meant to do that? Yeah, how? You need to get her to sign something.
To prove she doesn't exist? Waste of time.
Glued yourself to the wrong desk, love.
We shouldn't be doing this.
It's breaking and entering.
It's not, it's still half my house.
I'm still on the deeds.
Changed the locks.
Why would they change the locks? In case you try to break in.
No, she's done this.
She's turning Chris against me.
Right, we need to pick the locks.
Have you got a credit card? I've got my provisional driving license.
What? I just never got round to it.
I don't I don't really know what I'm doing.
Wait.
I know how we can get in.
Come with me.
Oh, well, look at this.
She's not separating her plastics.
What kind of monster is she? Please, Trish, can we just go? Someone's gonna see us.
We'll get arrested.
Fine.
Arrest me.
But I'm not going until I've got what's rightfully mine.
What is she thinking? They won't take bubble-wrap.
Cor! Actually, I could get used to this.
Her chair's so much better than ours.
What about this one? She looks like she's about to cry.
You can't put that on a cake.
It was a moving target.
We can do better than this.
Maybe she's got a photo in here or something.
Any joy? Nah.
No, Danielle, I do not want to see that.
It's all right.
It's a frother.
I know what it's for, Danielle.
Right.
Give me a bunk up.
Uh.
Ah! Ooh! I'm fine.
I'm fine.
All right, I'm coming over.
Ooh.
Come on.
Oh, I think I've got a splinter.
Oh.
My meerkats.
What are you doing down there? Everyone loved the meerkats.
They were always laughing at them.
Eh? Go and put them back out the front.
I'm going in.
What? No.
You-you can't! Don't worry, Karl, there's no-one in.
They've changed the lino! Can I help you? Uh no.
Um I'm fine, thank you.
I'm just admiring the drive.
Are you a friend of Chris and Paula's? Yes.
Yes, that's what I am, yeah.
Only we have to be careful.
We've had a few problems.
Chris's ex.
Bit of a screw loose.
Hmm.
Really? He's much better off without her.
Paula's a lovely girl.
Hmm.
I've got them, Karl.
I've got my boys back.
Hello, Trish.
How are you? Up yours, Linda.
Come on, Karl.
Where are your tights? I left them in the fridge as a dirty protest.
Do you have to? I have to eat every three-and-a-half hours.
I'm prone to mood swings.
Can't you use a fork like normal people? Forks are in the kitchen.
I'm not leaving you alone at my desk.
Close.
George, stop moving! Stop throwing them at my head, then.
Why is no-one doing any bloody work? Boss said we didn't have to.
I've only got one rule as manager, and that is, everyone must be having fun at all times.
Oh! Everyone, I'd like you to meet my boys - Ferrero and Rocher.
Come on, boys.
Come and say hello.
Come on! Enjoy the pub? You will not believe what just happened.
What are you doing? You can't bring them things in here.
I've just vacced.
I can do what I like.
I'm the manager.
I am Trish.
Have you had a drink? No, I haven't.
I've had five drinks.
I've never felt so alive.
Look at my beautiful labs.
I'll go and put them in the learning room.
Come on.
Honestly, everybody's so miserable.
Come on! Come on then! Look, I can't do this anymore.
Excuse me, can you help? Have you got anything that can unstick me? Well, I've got some carpet glue remover in my boot.
But it's ten quid a bottle and it's highly toxic.
Well, I haven't got a tenner.
You can have it for free.
On the upside, you can probably go back on incapacity, love.
Ooh! Janette, have you got a scrubbing brush? I don't know what she's been feeding them, but it's coming out like a leaky radiator.
Poor Rocher's practically written his name on that carpet.
Gordon Bennett.
Honestly, Paul, I had to use a spoon.
Oh! It's 40 quid a square metre.
Get this thing off me.
Oh, don't mind him, Angela.
He's just being friendly.
He can probably smell your cats.
I don't care, get this dog off.
Give him a minute.
Come on, Ferrero.
Come on, put your lipstick away, please.
Uh! Get down, Ferrero! Hmm! Hello, Paula.
Trish.
How are you? Very well.
How are you? You look a little run down.
No, I'm fine.
I feel fine.
I'm fine.
You'd be welcome at one of my exercise classes.
We cater for all ages.
What do you want, Paula? I think you've taken something that belongs to me and Chris.
No.
I bought the dogs.
They're mine.
Come on, boys! Come to Mummy! Here! Come on my lap! Come on my lap! Here, boys.
Sit on my lap.
Here, boys! Come on! Come on! Come on! Here we go.
I tell you what why don't you just have one each? No.
No-one splits my labs.
Come on, babies.
Come to Mummy.
Come on! Fine.
Leave them.
I don't need your dogs, I've got your husband.
Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday dear Trish Happy birthday to you Thanks, guys.
Can someone help me just get this dog off?