The Larkins (2021) s01e06 Episode Script

1
I didn't think she'd really do it.
How do you get to Paris?
Train, ferry, train.
Or hitchhike, swim, hopping.
If we find her in time, what do we do?
That is a good question.
Whoa.
Shout out if we've lost anyone!
No, they're all in one piece, love.
Right.
Nobody get on that train!
Darling, don't just slip away!
Let us give you a send-off.
No, come on!
Come on, Mariette, a tiny little do,
couple of days' time,
then you go with our blessing.
I've got her passport!
Argh!
Hey, kids, look, organise a gymkhana
and a donkey derby
in our meadow on Saturday,
then we'll have a cocktail party.
Ah! We'll charm her into staying.
How can she resist?
I feel like I've been reprieved from
the guillotine for a day or two.
How long were you
are you going for?
I don't know.
A year or two.
Long enough to never regret
coming back.
I'm just worried that you never will.
COCKEREL CROWS
POP: Shut up,
you dim lump of poultry,
there's a princess trying to sleep!
Oh, you need hands
To hold a brand new baby ♪
Mmm!
You need hands
To guide them on the way ♪
GIRLS GIGGLE
All together, Larkinettes.
Oh, you need ♪
No, don't.
What?
Enough.
You entertain the masses!
Honestly, I'm
Oh, sit down.
Here she is.
CHILDREN: Morning! Hello!
You look wonderful, princess.
She really does.
We made you your favourite breakfast.
Marge, you reckon there's any food
left for Edith Pilchester?
I can take it round.
She's becoming a recluse.
That's not healthy, is it?
I'll leave you to her.
I've got errands.
We need string.
I'm not going that way.
String's everywhere.
There is no string where I'm going.
I just don't understand.
How can you leave when you've got
Charley begging you to stay?
I do love him,
but something's missing.
Oomph.
He's got oomph. The nice kind.
MARIETTE CHUCKLES
And anyway, Tom had it,
and look how wrong that went.
Well, Tom will shoot off,
now he can't build his empire
in the village.
You know your problem?
Gobby sister? Deranged family?
No.
All your life, you've had boys
swooning at your feet.
What is that, is that a swoon?
I think so! I've never seen one.
So, you're bored with adoration,
and you've forgotten
how to say yes to love.
MARIETTE SIGHS
I've said yes.
Even when I should've said no.
Alan from the
From the butcher's!
BOTH GIGGLE
MARIETTE SIGHS
Charley's just arrived
at the wrong time.
RAPS LIGHTLY
Er Larkin.
Ah, Sir George and Lady,
my favourite posh types.
We always enjoy your
your badinage.
Oh.
Though we should be cursing you,
after you scuppered the plan
for our house.
Well, it's no skin off your nose,
is it? You sold it to Tom Fisher.
No, he only had the option to buy
Bluff Court if planning was granted.
Oh, clever basket.
So, of the many,
many potential buyers,
we thought first of you.
Oh, me? Me, is it?
Yes, you. I said you.
Who you ditched when you thought
what you had a better offer?
You want to knock it down!
Only cos it's a death trap.
It would be like
watching your best friend
being punched in the face!
No, it wouldn't.
And then whimpering as
she's steamrolled into the ground,
limbs twitching.
Ignore him, please.
Consider buying it from us, Pop.
I'll give it some thought.
This'll make a good jump.
ENGINE PURRS
Ah!
SHE WHIMPERS
Excuse me, where's the police station?
Admit nothing!
I'll get you a good lawyer.
What?!
So, what is it, then?
Cat burglary? Or did you snap
and kill your husband?
Well, let's just say
I'm no longer married.
That's not looking good for you,
is it?
SHE CHUCKLES You're a scream!
Pop Larkin.
Angela Snow.
Oh, I was caught speeding,
and I need to show my licence.
I usually claim the sign was hidden
behind a parked laundry van.
But this time, I may plead insanity.
Outrageous, but my kind of girl.
Want to come to a cocktail party
Saturday?
Hold me back! Heaven.
What a friendly village.
Or is it just you?
Just me. Come on, I'll show you
where the cop shop is.
SHE GIGGLES
It's only round the corner.
Utterly debauched.
Is he debauched?
Oh, he's debauched.
I suspect he has a whole raft
of women.
A raft of women.
Intriguing idea.
And so selfish.
Stopping the Bluff Court development,
which would've made us all rich.
The entire Larkin family
is deeply uncouth.
You don't have six children
if you're couth.
You stop at two,
and start building a pension.
HORSE NICKERS
Talk amongst yourselves.
I've come to shovel out your shed.
Ah. Thank you.
Or did you do it?
HORSE NICKERS
Je m'appelle Mariette.
Je suis ravi de votre connaissance.
KNOCK AT DOOR
Mr Larkin, don't look at me.
Why not? Fine figure of a woman.
In need of a sausage.
THEY CHUCKLE
Fried bacon.
Kipper.
You're so good to me, Mr Larkin.
Still no telly?
I couldn't possibly afford a licence.
I'm worried about you, Edith.
You seem so sad.
No, no, no, not really.
Well, I'll admit to sluggish.
Well, we can't have that.
Why don't you help me
with the donkey derby
in our meadow on Saturday?
Oh, I'd love that.
I have a soft spot for donkeys.
If you're talking about your bottom,
you're a saucy so-and-so.
Happy now?
Considerably. One more?
SHE LAUGHS
See, Edith, that's good!
Live each day
like it's your last, love.
And keep your hand on your ha'penny.
CLICKS TONGUE
You've been an absolute lamb.
Je me lave
Tu te laves
Il se lave
Elle se lave ♪
All together now!
Il se lave Il
Je me lave
Il se lave
Elle se lave
Je me lave
Elle se lave. ♪
Hmm?
Nous nous lavons
Vous vous lavez
Il se lave
Elle se lave ♪
Good.
SHE GIGGLES
Now, imperfect tense.
Je me lavais. ♪
Erm I haven't had a chance
to ask you yesterday
what you were up to in the woods.
Oh. That.
Yes, yeah, I
My master plan went awry.
Well, I was worried about you.
SHE CHUCKLES
I really thought,
"He's He's going mad." Yeah!
Yeah, maybe I am.
I mean, you have that power over me.
But, you know, I thought
that romantic props might help,
but I am just going to tell you now,
Mariette, I am in love with you.
Yes, I love you.
I've loved you ever since
I first saw you only weeks ago.
I mean, you have turned me
from a taxman into a
Yeah! A human being.
I mean, you are
the new beating heart of my life.
Well, good.
What could I offer you?
Well, honesty,
free from smooth talking,
and fun and seriousness and
and kindness.
And And actually,
I am surprisingly good at sport.
Honestly, you know
OK, watch. Right, see?
SHE LAUGHS
That's better with a dart, actually.
And OK, music,
I'm really good at music!
And, God, I am just utterly,
utterly dedicated to you.
So, what do you say?
What do you say, Mariette Larkin?
Will you stay with me?
No.
I I'm sorry.
And if you really love me,
you'll let me go.
Yeah.
SHOP DOORBELL JINGLES
It's not even lunchtime,
and I've seen Pop Larkin
flirting with an unfamiliar hussy
and Ma holding a baby -
and not grimly, out of politeness,
like most of us do -
which she's obviously desperate
to keep quiet.
I loathe tittle-tattle, Norma.
But it's true.
The Larkins family are out of control
and capable of anything.
Is there anyone more foolish
than a gossip?
Fish? Chickens?
The Larkins are good, generous folk.
But whose baby is it?
There have been no births
in the village, to my knowledge.
Well, clearly, it's either Mariette's,
or her father's by some mystery woman.
There's your next one.
Do you know what you're doing?
What's wrong?
People are sly and horrible.
There's rumours going round
about Dad flirting
and Mum looking after a secret baby.
Bloody 'ell.
I'm sure it's lies.
But Mum has been off on her own
a lot recently.
And Dad took sausage
to Miss Pilchester.
You all right, Larkinettes?
You're all a bit quiet.
What's up?
Yeah?
I met a lovely woman this morning.
More lovely than Ma?
I heard she's horrible.
No, obviously not more lovely than Ma,
but a nice woman, she's a laugh.
Angela Snow's her name. Yeah.
Very swish, breath of fresh air.
Peculiar.
Mm-hm.
Ta, I feel special, but it's not
gonna affect my decision.
No, no, Mariette, come on, drink up.
Be merry. Enjoy the benefits, eh?
Cigar?
Maybe later.
LAUGHTER
What is it, Primrose, gorgeous girl?
Nothing.
I know nothings, and that's not one.
All right.
I heard people gossiping about
well, us being a weird family,
and Dad liking other women.
SHE LAUGHS
Don't smile. You should be jealous.
That's not me and your Pop's way.
He believes in spreading good cheer.
But what if he was serious
about someone else?
Oh, I love your dad so much.
But I hold myself
in pretty high regard, too.
Maybe he should worry about me.
You don't keep a man
by sitting on him.
Least of all Pop.
Looks like a big bosom, doesn't it?
Hold your dad back!
SHE CHUCKLES
They also talked about seeing you
with a baby, and whose it might be.
What, holding a baby's a crime now,
is it?
If that's the case,
I've been a criminal
pretty regularly these past 20 years.
COCKEREL CROWS
KNOCK ON DOOR
Oh, sorry, I'll be right there.
Really, this is far too much.
No, it isn't.
We need you to be happy.
Thanks, dwarves,
but I'm not Snow-ruddy-White.
Look, OK, go.
Thank you.
Oh!
CUTLERY CLATTERS
Ah!
Right, no, look, that is enough.
Right, listen, everyone,
stop treating me like I'm Lady Muck.
It's exhausting!
Quite right, precious.
You're the boss.
Can we bring you anything?
Ha-ha-hey, Tom!
Let's not pretend
we care for each other.
I've already done enough acting
in this godforsaken outpost.
Oh, so are you moving on?
When I'm ready.
I haven't completely finished
with the oil yet.
You don't have to play
the pantomime villain, Tom.
There are plenty
of other parts available
in our lovely little village!
HE LAUGHS
HORN HONKS
SHE CHUCKLES
Pop!
Hello, Angela.
Coppers let you go, then?
Yes. I promised to be a good girl.
Never promise that.
You have to lie to the police
to keep them on their toes. You do.
I'm on my way to the village,
collecting booze for our do.
You wanna rest your pins?
Always, darling.
Come on, hop in.
Just to warn you, though,
I've only just passed my test.
SHE LAUGHS
Oh!
SPORADIC REVVING
BOTH LAUGH
Well, I liked the look
of the place yesterday,
so I fancied a ramble round it.
Well, come and live in the village.
I mean, we always want new people.
We're like hop-growing
Dr Frankensteins.
Thank you, darling.
I may just do that.
Mwah!
Oh, I say.
Pop, you old devil.
I'm telling Ma.
No.
It's nice that old people
still like a quick, informal snog.
Let me in then, big man.
BABY CRIES
Thank God you're here!
You can relax now, Aunt Fan.
We can't cope, he's possessed!
SHE CHUCKLES No, he's not!
He's adorable.
Little Oscar.
BABY STOPS CRYING
How do you do that?
Well, having six babies helps.
Seth, he's got your face.
Poor little squirt.
SHE CHUCKLES
Any word from your daughter?
No, Hattie can't look after herself,
no surprise her own baby's beyond her.
Hat won't rush back.
She's fallen in with rascals
up there in Whitsta-bubble.
Well, it's a strain, being a new mum.
Especially if the dad's run away
like a bastard.
But the word's getting out
about Oscar.
There's snoopers around.
We'll have to shut
all the curtains, then.
Front and back.
I don't want folks knowing
my daughter's had a wobble.
There's nothing wrong with a wobble.
But what are me and my sister here
gonna do, eh?
You're gonna carry on.
Like this, with my help.
And wait till your Hat sees sense
and comes back to her baby.
And in the meantime,
us Larkins'll do our bit.
Just like we always do.
Just like we always do!
BABY BABBLES,
SHE LAUGHS
That is a Ma Cherie cocktail.
Yes, it is.
Frisky but not debilitating.
What do you reckon, Charley boy?
CHARLIE GULPS
Ooh! Ooh-hoo! I like that one. Yeah!
Although on balance,
I've liked them all.
Well, all of them it is, then!
How's, er How's tomorrow's, er
SLURRED WORDS: ..er,
equestrian preparation proceeding?
THEY LAUGH
I can't believe I got that out!
THEY LAUGH I dunno!
Brigadier, the kids are in charge.
Onto the canapes.
'Ere, these'll tickle you.
Ooh, crisps!
Yeah, but flavoured
with cheese and onion.
Ooh, what will they think of next?
Mm!
These.
Ooh!
"Twig-lays"!
I-I don't think they're French!
THEY LAUGH Sorry, sorry.
I've got France on my mind.
You know, France and unrequited love.
And goats, for some reason.
Goats?!
THEY LAUGH
Urgh! No! No, I don't think
drink is the answer.
Then you're asking the wrong question!
I think we're gonna win this tomorrow.
Don't you, matey?
Go on. Go on, Biscuit.
New parish magazine, two bob.
You're going straight to hell!
Rev, keep it civil.
HORSE APPROACHES
So, word is Mariette Larkin's
going away.
SHE SIGHS She'll never leave.
And her mother's been seen
with the baby
everyone's trying to keep quiet.
What's wrong with your face?
Obviously,
it's Mariette Larkin's baby.
Oh
That's probably balls,
but fair enough.
Yeah, don't ruin a nice bit of dirt.
I don't remember her looking pregnant.
She could've knocked it out
in the winter,
when we were all half asleep.
But who's the dad?
God, I love village life.
SHE CHORTLES
How are you, Ma?
I'm in love with that baby.
I bet.
Oh I loved it
when our lot were tiny, 'ey?
Playing in the barn
with them, in the hay Mm.
..rain drumming on the roof.
Mm.
Yeah.
Ooh, you know there's rumours flying?
Oh, let 'em talk.
Well, they'll have to do.
Seth's ashamed that his daughter's
abandoned her new baby, so
he wants it kept quiet
until she comes back.
Yeah, I'll bet.
They're gossiping about you doing
the funny business with a new lady.
Angela?
Mm.
No, codswallop.
Oh, well, I know that.
Hope you gave Edith Pilchester
a nice little kiss, though.
Course I did. Pepped her up a bit.
You know, tomorrow
we should find her a man.
Oh, there'll be too much else to do.
Most of all, show Mariette
that this is the best,
most fun place on God's earth.
Yeah.
Otherwise, it'll be her last day here.
Dim the moon, would you, love?
Ta.
Come here, come here.
Come on, come on.
Oi! Big ears!
Yes, you! Slow down!
DONKEYS BRAY
Well, you say that Hang on.
Come on, come on.
BABY CRIES
Doo-doo-doo-doo! ♪
CRYING CONTINUES
CRYING STOPS
Hattie, er
Hattie's not coming back.
She says she'll be worse
than no parent.
Oh, Seth
You and Pop need to take him.
No. No, we got half a dozen.
That's an egg box.
Here, you're good with kids.
And the kid's a rellie o' yours!
Second nephew once removed or whatnot.
Yeah, so you could adopt him.
You know casual, like.
You're his only hope!
Otherwise, he'll end up
in a kiddies' home.
All right. I'll take him
back with me for a while.
Just till Hattie recovers and
and comes back for her baby.
BABY WHIMPERS
I mean, I love a tricky old pile
as much as the next man.
I'm not talking about
the backside ones, either.
Oh, no, they're horrid.
Granted.
But look at it! And you!
It's killing you, Sir George,
you know, trying to keep it going.
Especially with the orangery,
isn't it? Which has never produced
so much as one orange.
FRENCH PRONUNCIATION: Orangery.
On Huh?
FRENCH PRONUNCIATION: Orang ery.
Orangery. I agree.
Buy it and knock it down.
No, please don't.
It's got some lovely period details.
Haven't we all?
Look, I've got a lot to do today,
but, you know, pfft, I'll buy it.
SHE GASPS At last!
Thank you!
OK.
What are you gonna do
with the property?
HE SIGHS
HE CHUCKLES
FEEDBACK Testing, testing.
DONKEYS BRAY
Charley!
Oh, hello, Ma.
You coming up to our do later on?
Er, no, no, I don't think I'll bother.
Come on up now.
All right.
I got a job for you.
Oh, all right.
BABY CRIES
Oh Whose is that?
Hard to say.
Can I wear your red dress?
Get lost, that's my favourite.
I'll wear them all if you leave.
MIMICS: "I'll wear them all
if you leave."
THEY LAUGH,
BABY WHIMPERS
What-what's going on?
We might be having another baby.
There you go, Pa.
Yep, cheers, Reg.
Form an orderly queue
then orderly R, then an orderly S.
Classic jokes, no charge.
JOHNNY OVER SPEAKERS:
We're just moments away
from the donkey races,
so do grab a ride
if you're a bit thick
and don't value your own life.
Just four kamikazes so far.
If you throw me off, you'll be
dog food and glue within a week.
Got that?
Actually, that reminds me
of when I played Jesus
in Worthing Rec, for my sins.
Every show, twice nightly, I'd come
on stage riding this donkey.
And how I managed to get
to the end of the week
without strangling that
lardy grey slob, I have no idea.
Say what you like about actors,
but very few of them pee on stage
and paddle around on it.
Anyway, on with the ladies' race.
Go on, then, on you get, Edith,
join in.
No, it'd be absolutely ghastly.
I've never ridden anything in my life.
What did we agree about living
each day like it's our last?
I don't think I agreed.
Well, then, let's start today.
Come on. Mr Larkin!
Come on, Edith.
Come on.
Oh
HE CHUCKLES
There you go!
BREATHLESSLY: Mr Larkin
There you go.
Debauchery.
DONKEY BRAY Steady, steady.
Oh, that guy's
going to shoot a donkey.
Maybe it's been naughty.
Bit excessive.
Apologies. I've been told it's
a starting pistol.
PISTOL FIRES
CHEERING
There are going to be
some red lady bottoms tonight.
Ah, she's listing heavily,
and she's gone!
LAUGHTER You're a shambles!
Grip with your thighs, Edith,
grip with your thighs!
Shameless.
Filth.
Like it, eh? It's a bit heavy.
PISTOL FIRES
DONKEYS GRUNT Whoa, whoa!
Oh, no, Ma, it IS
the last day of her life!
GRUNTING CONTINUES
Whoa!
SPLASH
Edith!
Are you all right, Miss Pilchester?
I've never felt more alive!
Or more injured!
THEY LAUGH
Well, everyone else has given up.
Don't know why she's bothering.
LAUGHTER
The winner is
er, an angry blonde girl.
BABY BABBLES
DOOR OPENS
Sorry, Charley, sweetheart.
You go and have some fun.
Oh.
You're a lovely boy.
Oh, we so want you to win
Mariette over and be with her.
Mm, me too.
So I'll go and do that, then.
I don't like these clouds.
But there's one thing
I've learnt in life,
is to ignore the weather and critics.
So, it's time for the horse jumping.
Er, and that doesn't mean people
jumping over horses, although, er
although perhaps
we could do that a bit later, yeah?
So, first to jump is, er, erm
erm, the-the-the pretty one.
Mariette Larkin.
APPLAUSE
She's only a slip of a girl,
she'd make a good jockey.
Go on, yeah, brilliant.
Or you could send her up a chimney.
Go on, Mariette! Go on.
'Ey up. Cat, pigeons.
CROWD GASPS
Oh, she's clattered into that
er, what's-it.
Hello.
You made such a mistake.
Watch this.
Excuse me, there's a system!
Yeah, yeah.
And this is Mrs Fothergill
on Debbie?
Dressed all in black,
going for that mystery man look.
Reminds me of a shadow.
He's good, though, the lad,
he's good, he's good.
Oh, he's hopped them too.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
CROWD GASPS
And that's a clear round
from the man in black.
Very slimming colour,
of course, black.
Feel free to take me on.
Right, that's it, I need a horse.
No, wait, Charley,
don't rise to it, son!
No, rise to it!
Win!
I swear Sorry, can I?
What?
Erm, right
No, Charley, don't,
it's not your thing.
Oh, what is my thing,
being a lovable loser?
No-one's obeying the system!
Oh, he's doing it without a saddle.
He's never been on a horse, has he?
So, he's either very good or
The technical term for that
is "untidy".
Oh! Sorry! Sorry, sorry.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Oh, he's gone again.
They really should
make these horses wider.
Or could we tie him on?
Whoa!
LAUGHTER
No, perhaps we should all look away.
Reminds me of a drunk actress
I once worked with.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
This is almost over, I promise.
HORSE WHINNIES
Sorry. Thank you, thank you.
Yeah, well done, Charley, lad.
Well done for giving it a go,
Charley boy.
APPLAUSE
Woo!
We love you, Charley!
Ladies and gentlemen,
the lovable loser.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good lad.
OK. Ooh!
And one more fall for the road.
Sorry, I'm sorry, I just
Wow.
SHE LAUGHS
Oh, my
You know what? I think you
might be a bit of a git.
I hear you've had a baby
on the quiet. What?!
Looks like I made a lucky escape.
No, Charley!
I've got this, it's all right.
Ooh!
You're a bloody taxman loser!
Oh, hang on a minute,
hang on a minute.
BLOWS WHISTLE
Whoo!
Well, that concludes
the all-in wrestling,
I thank you, ladies and gentlemen!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Where would we be without the Larkins?
Still stuck in Kent, sadly.
But it's true, they are most generous.
I shouldn't have gone on that donkey.
You know you were facing
the wrong way?
There's no right or wrong way.
There is.
Oh, shut up.
You see, it's another bloody Larkin!
They've brought it home.
What's it doing here?
And whose is it?
It could be Pop's,
if Mariette didn't slip away
and have it.
You do understand
about the nine months?
Yes.
You can strap it down.
Mm-hm.
They'll be looking after it
for someone.
I think we will go to that
cocktail party tonight, after all.
KNOCK AT DOOR
Cocktail party!
Woo-hoo!
MUSIC: 'Move It'
by Cliff Richard
I need you girls to be hostesses.
Go on, on you go. I'll follow you.
Well done.
Help yourself, lads.
There you go, glass of beer,
drop of cider. Well done.
And the twins,
have yourself a Ma Cherie.
Watch yourself, though,
they are lethal.
Not you two, you're eight.
They're Miss Barnwell's.
And welcome. Thank you.
You're welcome, my pleasure.
OK, Lord and Lady B-G,
welcome, welcome.
Everyone having a lovely time?
Well, Victoria said
it was a fancy dress party, so
Yes, never believe anything she says.
Well
THUD What was that?
One of my onions dropped. Sorry.
Are you all right
after your tumble, Edith?
Yes, thank you. Pop's promised
to teach me how to ride.
Grip with the thighs.
MA CHUCKLES
Right, thighs!
It gets worse.
And here's the main one.
Sanctity of marriage
means nothing to him.
Mind you, she is rather gorgeous.
Do you dance at all?
Well, I fling 'em up a bit.
You know, Ginger Rogers
lives over in Pluckley,
she's always dropping in
for a shimmy, drives me mad.
THEY LAUGH
Is it me,
or is that man staring at me,
and has been all weekend?
Alec Norman, has he?
There's a wasp at every picnic.
Hello, Ma.
THEY CHUCKLE
There she is.
Our girly.
Yeah.
Wow.
You look awful (!)
Thank you.
MUSIC: 'In The Mood'
by Glenn Miller
Stop that, Frenchy.
Yeah, come on, share it out.
I, er don't normally dance!
PRIMROSE CHUCKLES
Don't go off tomorrow
looking for excitement,
it's all here.
POP: Fantastic!
Ooh! Hold tight.
Oh, thanks.
Hello, I'm Angela.
I've heard all about you, Mariette.
Oh, dear!
THEY CHUCKLE
Oh, you've got to love
a bopping vicar.
Dancing has never looked
more like unarmed combat.
Yeah, anyone who's seen them
on a dancefloor
never calls us
"the delicate sex" again.
THEY LAUGH
Look, it's none of my business -
oh, God, those fatal words -
but I've travelled a lot,
and I think you should spread
your wings, just like you planned.
He's a sweetheart.
But if I've learnt anything,
it's that it's good
to put love to the test.
MUSIC: 'Sixty Minute Man'
by The Dominoes
Libby, more than that.
You're an active young woman,
not a fruit fly.
It's all bubbling up nicely.
What is?
You notice Pop and Ma haven't danced?
Well, he's obviously
lining up Miss Snow over there
for an affair.
So, Pop and Ma organised today
to paper over the cracks
in their marriage
for the sake of the children.
And they've got a baby upstairs,
which is Pop's or Mariette's.
She's pulling a fast one and joining
Tom Fisher in France tonight,
if she can give the taxman the slip.
Darling!
Now, don't say anything.
But we've got a proposal
we're gonna put to you.
Yeah. We've
We bought big old Bluff Court, see?
And I'm gonna knock it down
before it falls on someone.
And, well, me and Ma, we want you
to have some of the land.
Yeah, we know that
you want your independence,
so you can do what you like with it,
build a house or run a business,
or maybe a riding school.
Yeah.
Or if you fancy it,
live there with Charley boy.
We know you love him.
And if he loved you any more,
it'd kill him.
Not half, yeah.
He always forgets to breathe
any time he's near you. Yeah.
He'll have to stop that,
that's unhealthy.
MA CHUCKLES Yeah.
Oh, Mum, Dad,
you've been so good to me.
MARIETTE SNIFFLES
Better in than out.
Yeah, as Ma and me always says.
But I can't take it.
It's you giving me things again.
I have to make my own way,
fight my corner.
And I I can't be a moon,
revolving round the planet
of Mum and Dad forever.
Yes, you can.
No, I can't.
Yes, you can.
So I'm going to Paris.
My future and Charley's will be
a glorious tale -
or tales -
still to be told.
Right, good.
That's cleared that up, then.
Yeah.
On with the party.
Yeah.
What's that?
I can hear some of our dear friends
shouting out for a speech right now.
Go on, do it anyway.
Yeah.
CHATTER
TAPS GLASS
CLANG
Thank you, Victoria.
Erm Evening, all.
Lord love ya.
Erm
My wife isn't standing with me,
because
well, I've got some news.
And it's been boiling up
for some time now.
And it's actually happening, so
Anyway, Ma?
BABY OSCAR VOCALISES
This is a new member
of our family, Oscar.
His mother tried, bless her,
but she she couldn't cope.
So, she asked us to adopt him.
Which we are honoured to do.
Yeah.
You might be thinking,
"They've already got six!"
LAUGHTER
But
our Mariette is
is off on her travels tomorrow.
So, what better time
to bring a new Larkin
..here to home?
I do a very good christening!
Not what I heard.
Yeah, you dropped my baby.
Well, the little sod kept wriggling.
I know a Buddhist
who does a fabulous service.
If we're widening our horizons,
and it's about time,
the Hindu naming ceremony
is very magical.
We don't want any
of that continental nonsense.
Right, come on,
bit of hush now, everyone,
or I'll get the donkeys back in, eh?
LAUGHTER
Now, Ma and me,
we've been hearing some rumours.
And well,
I know who's been spreading 'em,
and I just want to say this.
It don't make a gnat's arse
of difference.
You know why?
Cos I love this village.
And seeing as Ma,
my family
Aw!
..and you lot are in it,
and we are blessed
with plenty and beauty,
in a world
where they can be in short supply.
Anyway, well,
bugger me if it ain't time
for some fireworks.
LAUGHTER
You know what, Ma?
If we're having a baptism,
maybe we should get wed an' all.
Yeah.
Mm-hm.
Wait, you're not married?
Nah, never got round to it.
UNZIPPING
HE GROANS
Don't ever treat the Larkins
like that again.
Well, oddly, marriage
actually increases your tax bill,
so, it pays to live in sin.
Uh-uh, don't use that word.
There are no sinners
round these parts.
I mean, you'd certainly be
better off when the time comes.
Time comes for what?
To pay your taxes, Pop.
They'll catch up with you eventually.
FIREWORKS BANG
You must be joking.
..off, Charley.
THEY CHUCKLE
Oh!
It's amazing, look at it!
TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS
I can hear you breathing.
Just leaving you your independence.
SHE GIGGLES Thank you.
Though you did insist
on inviting me along.
Erm I don't know about insist.
HE SPEAKS FRENCH
What?
You're on your own, mate.
Merci "boo-coop".
Merci beaucoup.
Merci "boo-coo".
Merci beaucoup.
Merci beaucoup.
Eating like a Larkin, aren't you?
More orange juice, anyone?
You know what?
I'm glad Mariette's gone off.
I'm not.
Look, your Pop's right, sweetheart,
for once.
She's her own woman, always has been.
If you've got an itch, scratch it,
don't sit on it.
So earthy!
Ha!
Shouldn't you be at school?
Holiday started, innit?
Yeah, officially summertime.
Well then, let's stop messing around
and have some fun.
Ideas, anyone?
Let's go to the Roman Museum
in Canterbury.
We've done donkeys,
let's ride on pigs!
Let's paint everything yellow.
What about a balloon ride?
Nah, too draughty!