The League of Gentlemen (1999) s01e06 Episode Script

Yes? - Hi.
- Can I help you at all? - Don't you know who I am? - This is a local shop for local people.
There's nothing for you here.
I'd like to buy the snowstorms.
All of them.
- The precious things? - Yeah.
In fact, I'd like to buy it all.
Everything in the shop.
How much would that be? Well that's Seven and twelvety pounds.
Would you put it all on this, please? Look at the name! Who are you? Are you local? Yes.
It's me, Mum.
David.
David? I'm your son.
POSTBOX: My next collection's at 3.
30 and my last one's at eight.
Come along, girls.
You'll miss the bus to the farm.
We want Benjamin to come.
- Oh, yes - No, he can't.
He doesn't go on school trips, he's a grown-up, and he and Daddy have some grown-up things to discuss.
Bye.
So, Benjamin We do agree that you have to make amends for this accident? Yes.
And you are prepared to do anything that might be required of you? Very well If you care to accompany me to the bathroom we can begin.
Val! - Do you have the lubricant? - Yes.
And the rest.
BARBARA: It's not like you, Geoff, getting a taxi to work.
I thought I'd treat myself.
It's a special day for me this.
Me too.
I'm going in for me op.
It's the biggy.
Oh? Are you nervous about it? Not really.
One little prick and it'll all be over.
- Oh? - Yeah.
Then they cut me cock off.
Don't you remember? I went away to college.
- Local college? - No, London.
London.
Yes, yes, London.
You bought me this.
Look, Mum, I wanted to tell you Hello, hello, what's all this shouting? We'll have no trouble here.
- It's David, he's our son.
- He's no son of mine.
Didn't you see the sign? Strangers are not welcome here.
- Edward, do you deny him? - It's all right, Mum.
He left the town of his own free will, he'll return from whence he came.
- Dad - I trust I don't have to use force.
Dad! Mum.
There's something I have to tell you both.
Are you gay? No.
When I went away from here I went to college, as you know.
And then I set up my own business.
It's a construction company.
No.
We specialise in road building.
No! - I fought for this contract, Dad.
- Not my son! - I was trying to bring us closer.
- By tearing down the local shop? No! It's called "progress".
There's a whole world out there, there's nothing to be afraid of.
Why don't you come and stay with me in London, just for a weekend? Yes, a weekend! - Edward, may we, may we, may we? - Silence! You should not have come back here.
Listen, Mum.
Pack some things, I'm taking you with me.
- No, I can't.
- Dad can't keep you here.
I have some business to attend to at the site, then I'll pick you up.
Yes, come for me when the fiery ball weighs heavy in the sky.
About seven, then.
I love you, Mum.
What is love? POSTBOX: Thank you for posting a letter inside me.
Okey, cokey, pig in a pokey! Good morning, job seekers! Morning, Pauline.
As I'm sure you're all aware, today's a very special day, because we've all come to the end of our restart course.
- Ahhh - Thank God.
I want to thank you for being so well-behaved.
You've been a lovely bunch on the whole.
I know it's been hard getting up at 9 am six weeks in a row, but it was either that or have your benefit stopped.
And let's face it, job seekers, you all need your beer money.
How would you stagger from one giro to the next if you weren't pissed? You'd probably all kill yourselves.
That's a thought, that would get the unemployment figures down.
I was joking, gents.
As it's the last day, I thought we'd play a game I've invented called Shop a Scrounger.
Here, Pauline.
- What's this, Mickey? - I've brung you a present.
A present? For me? Why? Don't know.
I think I like you.
- What is it? - A pen.
I can see that, but Like Swap Shop.
Thank you, Mickey.
I shall treasure this.
Can I have a word with you, Pauline? What is it, Ross? What have you bought for me, a lump of poison? No, it's better than that.
Come on then.
Spit it out.
Don't be so egregious.
I regret to inform you that as of 4 pm today you are suspended from the Employment Service pending further investigation.
Oh, piss off! I work for the Social Security, Pauline.
Internal investigations.
I've been assessing your working practices over the last weeks, and I'm appalled.
You what? You work? You don't have to come here if you work, Ross.
This is all the evidence I need for your dismissal, and I'll push for that.
- What is it? - My report.
"Use of abusive and threatening language.
" "Unprompted violence and physical attacks.
" Sit down, Ross.
Do you think I'm going to fall for that one? You work-shy set of bastards Sit up straight, you lazy cunt - What's that? - Your workshop on self-esteem.
- It was only a bit of fun.
- It's not a joke, Pauline.
You're finished.
You'll never work in the Employment Service again.
- I'll have to ask for your pens back.
- No, Ross.
Leave me my pens.
Please.
They're no longer your property.
You'll be hearing from us.
This course is finished, everyone.
Wait! Wait, wait! - You'll never get away with this.
- All I have to do is file the report.
I'm not talking about your report.
I wouldn't wipe my fat arse on it.
What then? You've been working and signing on.
And that, job seekers, is a crime.
We lose millions a year to people like Ross.
If you do any part-time work, you have to declare it.
Don't you see, gents? He's nothing but a dole cheat.
Maybe, but I'm not unemployed.
- What? - I'm not unemployed.
You are.
All right, everyone.
I hope you enjoy your trip to Mr Tinsel's farm.
Now what I hope will be the highlight.
The chance for us all to witness the first steps of a new life.
And this is the star of our show, as it were; Monica the cow.
Monica has been in labour for almost 12 hours.
The little baby cow has been trying to get out of its mummy's womb.
Yes? What's a womb? The womb is a special place inside Monica, where the baby grows.
But sometimes the baby cow needs help coming out, and that's what we're going to do now.
So I have to put my hand inside Monica.
Eeewww! And attach this rope to the baby's hooves and give a big tug, and out will pop the calf.
So, here we go.
Mooo! He's stuck his hand up his bum.
I know that's what it looks like.
Mooo! I am of course inserting my arm into the other passage.
It is its bottom.
I saw it lift its tail and poo came out of it.
No, no, no, no.
My father knows about these things.
It is its rectum.
No, no.
It is tight, though.
Mooo! No wonder it's a difficult labour.
Ah! These feel like the hooves.
I'lljust get the rope around them.
Who would like to come up here and help me pull the baby calf out? - I will.
- OK.
What's your name, love? Natalie.
OK, Natalie, just get hold of that there, and we'll pull together.
- Pull! - Mooo! - Pull! - Mooo! Pull! There we go.
It looks like offal, Mr Chinnery.
No, that's just the birth sack.
Isn't that a liver? Oh, Christ! Don't look, Natalie.
Don't look.
You all right, veterinary? How's she doing? I'm afraid there have been one or two complications.
NURSE: I just have to run a few tests before the operation.
Make sure everything's in full working order.
So if you could just give us a specimen.
Right Um NURSE: Hrm, hrm, hrm I just want to do it standing up.
For old times' sake.
And He will come and give strength to hands that tremble with weakness and to legs that are lame.
The crippled will cast away their crutches, leap and dance, jump up and down in praise of the Lord and receive all the blessings of Heaven.
But it doesn't say they have to have six parking bays at Safeway's.
They're always empty.
I left the car for five minutes.
I only nipped in for a bottle of Taboo.
When I came out it was clamped.
I said to the feller: "Would it be different if I had a stick and a limp?" Ramps outside libraries, and their toilets are massive.
Hymn number 168.
Glad That I Live Am I.
Dad? We need to talk.
That set the cat amongst the pigeons, because the report's not ready, but I've given a specific date.
- Bloody hell! - Do you want another drink? No thanks, Geoff.
- So I find myself at this conference - Give it a rest, Brian! - Eh? - Can't you talk about something else? There are other things to talk about than work.
Leave him alone, he's only telling a story.
But he's boring, ain't he, Mike? - I'm sorry, Geoff.
- Carry on, Brian.
- Oh, no! - Please.
I'm sorry.
Carry on.
- I find myself at a conference - It's just that Well, today is me birthday.
- Oh, Geoff, it's not! - Oh, happy - Happy birthday! - It doesn't matter.
- Why didn't you tell us? - I have now, haven't I? We should've remembered, we were here last year.
Yeah And the year before that.
Happy birthday, Geoff! How old are you now, 43? - He's older than that, aren't you? - 40.
- I'm 40.
- Oh You don't look it.
Well, many happy returns.
- Cheers! - Thanks.
Cheers, Brian.
Go on, Brian.
You were at this conference.
I'm sitting there and Butler finishes the introductions I brought these hats.
You don't have to wear them.
No, we will, won't we? - Do you want the yellow one, Brian? - Why not.
- Don't bother.
- Get yours on, birthday boy.
All right, Mike, Brian I want to say thanks.
Thanks for coming out with me today.
It's no bother, we were coming here anyway, weren't we, Mike? I know sometimes I get mad, and Recently I've said some stupid things.
I can't help it, it's the way I am.
But I'm older now You're only as old as the woman you feel.
All right, now serious, Mike.
I'm older now and Well, I've made a decision and I'm sticking to it.
I'm glad to hear it, because sometimes you can be a right psycho.
Brian! That's very good that is, Geoff.
I want nothing but the best for you.
You've got your life ahead of you.
Life begins at 40.
So they say.
I've said my piece and that's me done.
I'm parched, I'm off to the lav.
Get them drinks in, you.
Waiter! You can let them all in now.
I couldn't keep a straight face.
Hi, Cheryl.
Come on, hurry up.
Come on.
Who's got banner? - I can't believe he thinks we forgot.
- He's brought his own hats.
He'll get the shock of his life.
I know.
Be quiet, he's only in bogs, you know.
- What's that? - He's brought his own birthday card.
What does it say? "I hate you, Mike.
" "Tell Brian I hate him too.
" "I needed your help.
" "You always knew I had this gun.
" "Geoff.
" Geoff! (GUN SHOT) Grip the shaft firmly.
Nearer the base.
Try going round and round rather than up and down.
You're doing very well.
It's basic hygiene, Benjamin.
The cleaning items must be spick and span.
A dirty brush is a useless brush.
Now turn your attention to the items with which you've been cleaning.
- What about them? - They need cleaning too.
- What should I clean them with? - These.
In this house we wage a constant battle against microbes and germs.
- And I have to clean them too? - Naturally.
For Christ's sake! As if it matters! As if any of it matters! I'm going to hang the black scissors on the blue hook.
No! I need to dry my hands.
What shall I dry them with? What happens if I use the white towel instead of the brown?! I can't even have a shit without someone peeping through the keyhole! Conducting yourself in the solo symphony.
Let me out! Oh, Benjamin Benjamin.
Life writes many different stories upon us.
Stories that make us what we are.
I myself was a shy and awkward boy afflicted with terrible facial warts.
Oh, yes.
People would whisper behind my back; "There goes Harvey toad face.
" "Quick, hide! Toad face Denton is coming.
" And that was just his mother and father.
But the toad can teach us many lessons.
Its life cycle is a model of order and simplicity.
All we've sought to do is create a similar harmony for ourselves and those we love.
Look, I didn't mean to upset you.
If you feel uncomfortable, then of course you must go.
But don't judge us too harshly.
We simply sought to express our love in the only way we knew how.
Benjamin.
Before you go, we'd like to give you something.
Of course.
What is it? It's this.
An itemised bill covering expenses incurred during your stay.
- Wear and tear to carpets.
- Dust creation and removal.
Disproportionate consumption of toilet tissue, used while pleasuring yourself to wicked extremes.
Cheque or Visa will be fine.
Um Brian's waiting for the police.
- Are you OK? - Yeah.
Oh, Geoff.
You had everything to live for.
Why did you have to go and do something stupid like this? To see the look on your faces.
Geoff? Oh, I got you, didn't I? They were blanks.
Oh, you baby! Only a joke.
Hello, Tubbs! What's all this shouting? We'll have no trouble here.
I'm leaving you, Edward.
- What? - I'm leaving you.
I hate this town and I hate this shop.
- David's taking me to London.
- No.
We're going shopping at Harvey Nick's, and then we're off to Leicester Square for a pizza.
Tubbs, listen to yourself.
You cannot trust this boy.
His mind has been corrupted by colours, sounds and shapes.
I want to see Les Mis.
Or any of the big shows really.
Goodbye, Edward.
I love you.
Tubbs.
I have to tell you something.
I saw David earlier this afternoon.
We had a little chat.
He's decided he's not building the new road after all.
Oh, Edward! I don't care about your stupid road.
We're going on the choo train.
Go! David must be waiting for you.
- David! - Hello, Mum.
I've changed my mind.
I want to live locally.
EDWARD: Tubbs? POSTBOX: Thank you for posting All right, it's me.
- Had a good day? - It's all right, yeah.
See you tomorrow.
- Will you look after this for me? - Course I will, Barbara.
- Are you all right? - Yeah.
Just try and relax.
The anaesthetic will kick in quite soon.
Good.
I've heard that Dr Mikos is one of the best in the country.
He is.
Shame he had that skiing accident.
- Eh? - It's all right, Barbara.
We have a replacement who's just as capable.
Hello, Barbara.
Don't you worry about a thing.
Right.
What am I doing? BENJAMIN: Excuse me.
Excuse me.
You don't know if there's a shop around here, do you? I'm starving, and I really want to get away tonight.
Yes.
Come with me.
Oh, I like your boots.
My friend's got a pair just like that.
So, are you local? Yes.
Yes, I am.