The Loop (2006) s01e06 Episode Script

[Man Singing.]
Sully! Sully.
! - [Snickering.]
- I'm ready.
Test me.
All right, look alive, lady.
The subject is anatomy.
Thanks for helping me.
It really means a lot.
It's not a problem.
Although I don't get why you're still in college.
- You already have a degree.
- Sully, we've been over this.
- I need the science credits to get into med school.
- Sully.
! All right, here we go.
Whoa, is that what my ass looks like in that bikini? - Nice.
- All right, I point, you identify.
You ready? Ready.
Liver.
Spleen.
Omentum.
Transverse colon.
Rectum.
Prostate.
Testicles.
Prostate.
Testicles.
Prostate.
Testicles.
Testicles.
Prostate.
Testicles.
Prostate.
Testicles.
- Testicles.
Testicles.
- Sully! What, man? We're studying.
Nice work.
Eighty-six percent right.
That's good stuff.
You gotta stop duct-taping me to my mattress.
You gotta stop forgetting to bring toilet paper.
It's a simple equation.
- How hard is that? - How's the studying going? Awful.
If I fail this final, I fail the class.
- I think I'm gonna have to get a tutor.
- Typical American.
You just get a problem, and you outsource it.
What is an "an-us"? Sully, come on, man.
Get this off my back.
I'm late for my carpool.
All right, I gotta get my scissors.
[Rips.]
Testicles.
[Radio: Easy Listening.]
- [Clears Throat.]
- Morning.
Morning.
- So, uh, carpool, huh? [Chuckles.]
- Yep.
Yeah.
So, you new to the airline? - Twenty-four years this July.
- Wow.
I'm 24.
[Continues.]
Good morning, Darcy.
Any messages? - Russ wants to see you.
- He does? Wha Did he say why? I'm not supposed to say anything but he told BobbyJohnson who told Mickey Poe that he wants to ask you to the Harvest Dance.
- You didn't hear it from me.
- Uh, thanks.
You've had a good run at this company, Thesis.
Um, great.
I've really enjoyed working with you.
Um, thanks? We're giving you a bump, an extra five percent.
- What? - A raise, boy! More money to buy your short pants with or Wonka Bars or whatever it is you buy.
You also get a membership to the company gym.
See ya in the cold plunge.
Oh, this is great! Thank you, guys.
This This is such an honor to work Save the speech for the Oscars, Sally.
You've got work to do.
We want you to do a profit analysis on all the divisions within the company.
Oh, wow, that's big.
With more power comes more responsibility.
Like Spider-man.
Spider-man? If I had said that to Howard Hughes when I started working for him he would have chased me down in his Kleenex box shoes and drowned me in a jar of Katie Hepburn's urine.
[Man Singing.]
Okay, I know we don't have much time left so let's just go ahead and wrap things up by talking about the endocrine - Hey, guys.
- [Man Singing.]
You must be the new tutor.
I'm Lizzy.
- Nice to meet you.
- Right back at ya.
Matt, would you excuse me for just one second? Lizzy, I love you like a sister, but you gotta holster your "snootch.
" - What did I do? I just walked through the room.
- Please, I saw bottom melon.
I only have this guy for an hour.
Cover up, for me.
Fine.
I didn't realize you wanting to be doctor was going to require some sacrifice on my part.
God! - I hope that doesn't count against our hour.
- [Sniffs.]
Sam's home.
He's got pizza.
I'm home.
I got pizza.
Dude! You rock.
You are the best brother ever.
Thin crust? What, am I homeless? Guys, I got a raise.
I'm taking everybody out.
Piper? No, I can't.
I'm studying.
Come on.
You can take a little break.
We gotta celebrate.
- I can't.
I only have Matt for an hour.
- I'm ready to go.
Happy, now that I'm wearing birth control? [Man Singing.]
I'll give you a free hour tomorrow if you take me with you.
Two free hours, I'll tell you everything you need to know about her.
- Done.
- Her name's Lizzy.
She likes dancing, frozen yogurt and animals dressed like people.
But she hates people dressed like animals.
I cannot stress this enough.
Do not mix these up.
[Man Singing.]
[Easy Listening.]
You know what they say about Chicago, right? No.
There's only two seasons here winter and road construction.
[Laughs.]
[Continues.]
Good morning, Darcy.
This came for you.
It's a "you got a raise" gift basket.
- Congratulations.
- D-Do you want some? No, I can't eat for 12 hours.
I'm taking part in a medical study.
They're injecting me with the bird flu.
Fifty dollars is fifty dollars.
Sorry.
Ooh, dried figs! - Thesis! - Walk with us, Sam.
How are you doing on that profit analysis? Jumped right on that raise basket, huh? Look at this little jackal.
Knows to eat when there's food.
[Laughs.]
- I want him in my foxhole.
- So do I.
Um, the frequent user program is killing us.
Oh? Keep talking.
Well, w-we're giving away too many seats.
We can increase our revenue if we increase the required miles for upgrades and free tickets.
That's a hamster's jimmy bag, boy.
How much could that possibly be? Well, requiring 35,000 miles instead of 25,000 for a round trip gives us a seven percent bump.
- Whoa! That's a lot of lettuce.
- We should do this, Russ.
That program's been crushing us.
You wouldn't believe the manpower it takes to prevent people from redeeming their miles.
Good work, Thesis.
Go cram some figs in your boy-hole.
You earned it.
[Man Singing.]
[Lizzy Laughs.]
Oh, hey, Piper.
How's it going? Oh, awful.
Biology is so hard.
I just don't understand glycolipids.
[Scoffs.]
Me neither.
They're dumb.
What's wrong? We covered it this morning in our two-hour session.
Yeah, and I really thought I had it, but I just took this sample test and tanked it.
- Show me the sample test.
- Uh, I can't afford you anymore.
I owe you one, for helping me out with Lizzy.
That's great.
Uh, uh, how long do I have you for? I don't know.
Till she's done getting ready.
- I'm ready.
- Ooh.
You're going out in that? You're right.
I'm a whale! - Okay, sample test, sample test.
- Right.
Guess what's coming tonight, huh? Brand-new hot tub.
I think you're gonna love it.
Well, has Sam seen it yet? No, but that's a good question, because we're gonna surprise him tonight at dusk.
- Be there.
- Matt, y-you should totally come.
I mean, we could shoot the shoe about sample tests, or, you know, whatever.
Listen, uh, just don't bring any friends, okay, unless they're ladies.
I just don't want too many franks boiling in the water.
[Man Singing.]
Hey, Spencer, I'm sorry I was a little late Whoa, let me just get in! I got it.
Click.
They cut the frequent user program.
- They did? - Yeah.
I ran the F.
U.
Program for 10 years.
- Really? - Yeah.
What'd you think I did, Einstein? That was my program.
I built it from nothing into an industry leader.
Then some gutless wonder comes along, crunches some numbers and I get a "cram it up your snooter" e-mail saying it's over.
Oh, wow.
I am so sorry.
Then those "rimrods" moved me to baggage services and cut my pay.
Baggage services? With the animals.
I thought they were just making some small changes to the F.
U.
Program.
- I mean, that's what I heard.
- Nobody's safe at that place.
Except that gutless number cruncher.
You know, I heard they even gave him a raise.
Nobody's gotten a raise in that godless hellhole in years! Oh, what's the basket for? This? Uh, it's nothing.
Um, just 90-days sober.
Let go, let God.
Man, I don't know why I'm laying this all on you.
- You've been nothing but nice to me.
- No, no, you have every right.
No, you're not the one I'm mad at.
You have nothing to do with this.
You have your own struggles.
You don't need some big, fat piece of garbage laying his problems on you.
You know, why don't you just drop me off right here? - I need the exercise.
You'd be doing me a favor.
- Forget it, friend.
You're gettin' door-to-door.
[Man Singing.]
[Cheering.]
Get your ass out of my car.
Get out! [Continues.]
[Cheering.]
- Good morning, Darcy.
Any messages? - Just one.
It's from the whole office.
They hate you.
What? Why? - Spencer told everyone you're the hatchet man.
- No.
- I didn't wanna get him demoted.
I'm not the hatchet man.
- Hatchet man.
Do me a favor when you're about to fire me, don't do it by e-mail put it on paper so I can frame it and hang it next to my diploma from M.
I.
T on my wall of useless documents.
Hey, Thesis.
Great job cutting the F.
U.
Program.
This is really gonna help next quarter's earnings.
No, no, no.
I didn't mean for this to happen.
I didn't know Spencer was gonna get demoted.
Everyone hates me now.
Well, that's business, toots.
The higher you climb the more people nipping at your heels who hate your guts.
- It doesn't have to be that way.
- Ah.
The "cocksuredness" of youth.
Everyone always thinks they're gonna do things differently, change the world.
Well, guess what, Joan Baez, the world doesn't work that way.
The sooner you learn that, the sooner you'll be making love to me in the supply closet.
- What? - Not everyone's gonna like you.
- I've had so much fun hanging out with you.
- Mm-hmm.
You want some beers? I'll get some beers.
Uh, sure.
- Great.
I'll get them.
- Matt, is that you? That is so weird that you're here.
I just saw you in the house with Lizzy.
Ha.
So, I've been looking over the sample tests and it seems like there's a lot of cellular biology.
- Should I expect that on the final? - It depends on your professor.
Well, h-hold on.
Let me go get my notes.
Lizzy, this is so great.
You've got yourself a great guy, and I've got myself - I'm breaking up with Matt.
- What? I know.
I'm sorry.
He's the first supersmart guy I've ever dated.
And I like that.
It challenged me.
But there's just this thing about him.
It's kind of a deal-breaker.
No, no.
Just tell me what it is.
We can fix it.
He's, what, a bad kisser, calls you "Mommy," teeny-weeny, what? No, it's [Man Singing.]
Ew.
Fuzzy Wuzzy.
See? And he won't dry for a while.
Hatchet man.
[Sighs.]
Hey, Spencer.
Look, I'm really sorry.
Really, I am.
I got a tiny raise, my brother went overboard with the party.
He's a moron, but believe me I never recommended they cut the frequent user program.
Well, you should have.
Because it's a dog, and I'm a dog.
Everyone knows I've been phoning it in for the last 10 years.
I'm a big, fat piece of nothing.
That's not true.
You were the first guy to implement blackout dates.
- I mean, that's revolutionary.
- It was an accident.
I handed my secretary a marked-up calendar with all my vacation days.
She C.
C.
'd it to the office by mistake.
They became blackout dates.
You ever wonder why you can't get a ticket between March 10 and the 15th? It was my cousin Barry's wedding.
They were right to demote me.
I'm garbage.
Hey, come on, man.
Don't talk like that.
I'm sorry.
I don't know why I'm laying all this on you.
It's just my wife and kids are out of town and [Sighs.]
I'm in a really bad place right now.
Why don't you come over tonight? Come to my house.
It'll be great.
We can hang out, have some beers.
I don't know.
I'm really tired.
Come on, man.
It'll be supermellow.
[Man Singing.]
Hey, Sammy! Take my picture.
Go.
[Continues.]
So, is, uh, Matt comin'? I'm sorry, sweetie.
I tried to make it work.
No.
Can't you just live with the hair for one more week? - My final's on Monday.
- My eyes were watering.
My throat was itching.
I just can't.
He's a very nice guy.
- He's just covered in pubes.
- Yeah.
Sully.
- This about Chewbacca? - Yeah.
I'm just really freaked out about this test, and I need a tutor.
I got it.
- Nair.
- What? We put Nair into the hot tub.
We invite over Grizzly Adams.
We lure him in with some honey and campfire garbage, and boom he's a nine-year-old boy.
It's genius.
- [Lizzy.]
Sweet.
- Huh.
[Ends.]
Hey, Darcy.
Any messages? - Spencer wants to see you.
- Oh, yeah.
I did a little damage control last night.
- He probably wants to thank me.
- Probably.
If we weren't in an office, I would put you through a plate glass window.
Don't let the fat fool you.
I will throw you into the sky! - Wh-What are you talkin' about? - You know what you did.
- You little suck.
- No, I thought you had fun last night.
- I e-mailed you pictures.
- Yeah, you dill-hole.
You e-mailed them to my wife! No, no, no.
I e-mailed them to your personal account.
"Spencer Andval" at hotmail.
Com.
No.
That's "Spencer and Val," you moron! Val's my wife! Val, short for Valerie? We share an account! Oh.
I thought it was your middle name.
I thought it was Slavic.
Well, you don't have to worry because there's no more "and Val.
" There's just Spencer.
She kicked me out of the house.
I'm living on the couch in my office.
Look at me.
You think that's comfortable? You ruined my life.
And I'm not sorry about what I did in your hot tub.
I told you.
The harder you try, the more they resent you.
Just face it, butter cakes, to him, you're the hatchet man.
No, uh, it was an accident.
We were friends.
- I'm not the hatchet man.
- Hey, hatchet man.
[Chanting.]
Twenty nine and a quarter bottles.
Just like the Internet told us.
- Ba-caw.
! Ba-caw.
! - That's the sign.
Go.
Go, go, go.
Please let this take off his hair and not his skin.
Amen.
Operation Bear Drop Soup in full effect.
- Act casual.
- [Laughs.]
I'm so glad you called.
I didn't know what was going on.
I thought maybe you were breaking up with me.
Are you kidding? No.
I just had some bad allergies.
- I'm better now.
- Hey, Matt, what's up, man? - You should jump on in.
The water's fine.
- Thanks, man.
Yeah, let's get in up to our necks only.
- Lizzy, no.
- It's okay.
I'm a bald eagle.
The old canoe paddle, huh? - Hey, are your eyes burning? - Oh, only for you, sweetness.
No, I'm serious.
I gotta get out ofhere.
- My skin's starting to tingle.
- Easy there, Hairy Potter.
Bring it in strong for me.
Three, two and go.
[Laughing.]
Whoa.
What happened? You've got a rockin' body.
Do you work out? Yeah.
But I could never see any definition because of all the hair.
- Wow.
- This is awesome! I'm ripped.
[Sully.]
Eh, not really, bro.
- [Piper.]
What are you doing? - Relaxing.
I had a rough day.
Spencer freaked out on me.
I'm pretty sure I ruined his marriage.
Why are my "nards" on fire? - [Water Running.]
- Oh.
Um, I'll come back.
No, no, no.
That's all right.
Come on in here, Crazy Horse.
- There's enough room for two hatchets.
- Okay.
Oh, sweetJezebel's ghost.
- What happened to your ground cover? - Oh - Looks like London after the blitz.
- Yeah.
I had a little accident.
Um, hey, do you know Spencer Hines, head of the frequent user program? Not anymore.
We cut his pay, put him in baggage with the sodomites.
Right.
Th-That's what I wanted to talk to you about.
Is there any way we could not cut his pay? I mean, he's got five kids.
He's been working here 24 years and now he's living in his office, and I feel totally responsible.
Man to man, is it affecting your work? Uh, I mean, honestly, yes.
It's all I think about.
Problem solved.
He's fired.
Now take a zinc pill and put some fuzz on those dumplings, will you? What's up, Sarah Jessica Parker? Why the long face? - What? - You know, 'cause her face is kinda long and horsey.
You look depressed.
I'm trying to cheer you up, horse face.
I got Spencer fired today.
Oh, that sucks.
I'm sorry, dude.
He's been there for 24 years.
He's got five kids.
He weighs 300 pounds.
I mean, why him? You gotta do something, man.
You gotta help him out.
- It's not that easy.
- All right, listen, bro.
I know two things about you.
A you always find a way to do the right thing.
And B your underwear's riding up a little on me right now.
- Sully! - What, you want me skin-surfing in your pants? Imagine being 48 years old and getting fired because of some young punk.
- That sucks.
- Yeah.
I think I know what I'm gonna do for Spencer.
My God.
I got more room for my junk in Lizzy's panties.
Seriously, what size are these, Sammy? [Man Singing.]
- Hot fudge sundae? - Uh, yeah, that'd be great.
Thanks, Spencer.
Oh, no, thank you for getting me a new job with the airline.
I heard you really stuck your neck out for me.
- Chocolate or vanilla? - Uh, chocolate.
I'm just sorry you lost your job to begin with.
Oh, don't be.
I get to keep my benefits which is good because they found something in my colon.
- Hot fudge sauce? - Uh, sure.
- That's terrible.
- Oh, it's probably nothing.
I was gonna use my frequent user miles to see a specialist in London but that program doesn't exist anymore, but [Laughs.]
Who am I talking to? You know that.
Would you like caramel? - Some people like both.
- Excuse me.
Can I get a napkin? As soon as I'm done talking to the douche-lick suck-bag that ruined my life! - If you would like some more nuts, just ring the call bell.
- Thanks.
Sundaes, anyone? Shell of a man here.
I'm a shell of a man.
Sundaes.
[Stammers.]
I don't know him.
- So, did you talk to Matt? - Yep.
He doesn't wanna see me anymore.
He fell so in love with his hairless body he said he wanted to try for someone even hotter.
P.
S.
He sucked as a tutor.
I totally screwed the pooch on my exam.
- Oh, no.
What happened? - I got an A-minus.
The lowest grade of my life.
Hey, Sam.
How's it going? - Eh.
- [Pump Chugging.]
Probably got his hair caught in the filter again.
Dude, my junk looks huge down there.
- [Whistling.]
Uh-oh.
- [Zipper Zips.]