The Mary Tyler Moore Show (1970) s01e06 Episode Script

How will you make it on your own This world is awfully big And, girl this time you're all alone But it's time you started living It's time you let someone else do some giving Love is all around No need to waste it You can have the town Why don't you take it You might just make it After all You might just make it after all Yeah? Okay, Murray, I'll turn it on.
This is Ted Baxter.
Be with me tonight at W.
J.
M.
election headquarters when this reporter and his team of political experts are the first to predict the winner in the Minneapolis city election.
My comprehensive analysis will begin at 7:30 right after the Three Stooges.
Come in.
I can't.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Grant.
- My hands were full.
- Can I ask you a personal question? - Sure.
- What did you knock with? - With my - Uh-huh.
Mr.
Grant, Murray and I dug up some facts for the election show tonight.
And we thought if you liked 'em, we could put 'em on cue cards in case Ted Baxter runs out of things to say.
Good.
Baxter usually runs out after "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
" Sometimes after "Good evening, ladies.
" Mary, when somebody does a terrific job, I believe in letting them know it.
Good work, Murray! Mary, I want you to be in charge out there on the floor tonight.
- You want me to-to be in charge? - Mm-hmm.
- But that's your job.
- No, it's telling you what your job is.
Look, if it's a question of extra money.
- No, it's not a question of money.
- Good, 'cause there isn't any.
Mr.
Grant, you don't seem to understand.
l-l-l In order to be in charge, you have to be able to exert authority, and I've never been any good at that.
- You can do it.
- No, I can't.
You You could do it.
If I were you, right now I'd probably be saying, "Mary, I'm in a little bind right now and" I don't wanna talk about it.
You're doing it.
You see? There it is.
That's it.
Start by telling the crew to take a half-hour dinner break.
- A half hour? - Mm-hmm.
The way the snow's coming down, it'd be nice if everybody was back by the time they had to start.
Go tell 'em.
Mr.
Grant, really, I've just never been any good at exerting authority.
- They probably won't even listen to me.
- What'd you say? l I'll find out for you right now.
Harry, where do you want camera two? Have him on the tote board.
- I want you on the board.
- Do you have a minute? - Let me check Baxter's - Over here, Murray.
- No, it's okay.
Take your time.
It's fine.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm Ted Baxter.
"Welcome to W.
J.
M.
's continuous election night coverage, and remember.
"We'll stay on the air until a winner is declared.
Take off glasses.
Look concerned.
" - Ted said to put that in there.
- Take it out.
Come on, Murr.
Leave it in.
That's the way I remember my motivation.
I don't mind you remembering your motivation.
It just frosts me when you read it over the air like you did last night.
"Mississippi River rises.
"Thousands flee homes.
Take off glasses.
Look concerned.
" I can explain that.
When I took off my glasses to look concerned, I forgot my place in the cue card.
- Hi, Mar.
- Hi, Ted.
Tom, could you take this material and put it on cue cards for Ted? - Who okayed this material? - I did.
- What about Lou? - I'm sort of in charge tonight.
- You're in what? - In charge.
That's dinner break.
Take an hour.
Could I have your attention, please? Everybody, would you all just gather around? - Please, could I have your attention? - Hey, everybody.
- What's your name, honey? - Mary.
- Mary wants your attention.
- Thank you.
I have an important announcement to make.
But first of all, I wanna thank you all for the very good work Get to the important announcement This is our dinner hour.
That is the important announcement.
We're only gonna take a half an hour for dinner tonight.
I can't eat dinner in a half hour.
Of course you can't.
It takes someone that long to cut up his food for him.
The reason we have to eat in a half hour is that it's snowing really bad out.
I can't eat a whole dinner in a half hour.
That's all there is to it.
Ted, I didn't wanna have to say this, but just a little while ago I was in Mr.
Grant's Lou's office and he put me in charge of the show tonight.
So, as the person in charge of the show tonight, I'm saying that we're gonna take a half an hour for dinner.
As the anchorman of the show tonight, I say I'll just have to eat my dinner a little faster.
Let's go.
Right.
Mister - How's it going? - Well, uh, they're not You know I, uh Mary, it's really starting to come down hard.
- What time is it now? - You have 15 minutes to get back.
- Can I make you a cheese sandwich? - Oh, great.
- Okay.
- I don't know what dress to wear.
I don't know what shoes I don't know what to wear.
- Why don't you wear what you got on? - I already wore that.
Boy, I should have your job.
At least you get to dress up to go to work.
When a person dresses dummies in a store window like I do, the big deal is every Monday morning when your smock is starched.
You don't know what it's like giving orders to Ted Baxter.
Oh, is he gorgeous.
Most people on TV are so phony, but that Ted Baxter When he takes off his glasses and looks concerned, oh That guy Rhoda, can you get that for me? I'm not dressed.
Mary, I'm making a sandwich here.
Besides, it's probably for you.
That's it.
Wear the fur dress.
Goes great with the fur shoes.
Hello? Yeah.
Oh, no.
Oh, that is a problem.
Well No, listen, it's nobody's fault.
Sometimes no matter how many precautions you take, these things just happen.
- Who's having the baby? - That was the employment agency.
- Our extras won't come in the blizzard.
- What were they supposed to do? - Just answer the phones - I can answer phones.
- And look good on television.
- I can answer phones.
- You're on.
- Great.
- My cheese sandwich.
- Yeah.
Um, how is it possible to make a bad cheese sandwich? Well, you were out of cheese, so I used yogurt.
- Five minutes to air time.
- Five minutes.
- Mimi, has the other girl shown up yet? - Not yet.
- Everything ready, Mar? - We still need a girl on the phones.
We need someone to run the tote board.
- The political analyst hasn't shown up.
- Uh-huh.
- Can you tell us when we wrap tonight? - Uh, I've no idea.
- Think it'll be before 9:00? - We'll stay till we predict a winner.
- What difference does it make? - Well, it's not hard to understand.
I wanna go to bed early so I can get up early tomorrow so I can read the reviews about what I did tonight.
All right.
Excuse me, Ted.
I think this is Dr.
Newton, our political analyst.
- Doctor? - I'm not even a dentist.
Rhoda! I'm sorry.
I thought you were our political analyst.
I'm glad you're here.
I gotta show you how to work that board.
Look, when the numbers come in, you get them up on the board.
Yeah.
Right on camera behind Ted Baxter? Oh.
How's this, Mary? Is this okay? Yes, it's wonderful, but you have to do it in back of the board.
- You mean behind this thing? - That's where the gadgets are.
- I'm not taking this crummy job.
- Rhoda, come on! You're my friend.
Who else do you give crummy jobs to? How about one of those losers over there? You know I have trouble telling people what to do.
- You seem to be telling me pretty good.
- Rhoda, please? All right, but this is the last time I do a favor for you, Mary Richards.
You see that headset? Put it on.
When the numbers come in, get them up on the board.
If I'd known this was the job, I would've bought an ankle bracelet.
Stand by for air.
- Good luck, Ted.
- Thanks, Mar.
Mary, I am smiling.
When I am smiling, I am happy.
The first results are starting to come in.
Turner: 85; Mitchell: 23.
There it goes up on that tote board.
Good.
Baxter seems in good form.
Fine.
Everything's working smoothly.
Mary, when someone does a terrific job, I believe in letting them know it.
You're doing a What was that? What's wrong with the lights? The Teletype stopped.
It can't stop.
If it stops, we don't get votes.
It stopped.
We don't get votes.
The storm must've knocked the lines down.
At least we have people at the precinct to phone the votes in.
Hello? Hello? - Stand by.
- Hey.
- Action! - Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
It's 7:30.
The polls are closed.
And I'm Ted Baxter.
Welcome to W.
J.
M.
's continuous election night coverage.
We'll be on the air with returns until a winner is declared.
We're in for an exciting evening here at W.
J.
M.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, for those of you that have tuned in late, we've been on the air for two hours now, and the up-to-the-hour totals.
Turner: 85,; Mitchell: 23.
And the tension is mounting.
Oh, a commercial.
Good.
We'll be back with more results, I hope, right after this commercial.
And cut! I can't take it anymore! Two hours of 85-23, 85-23? I need new numbers.
I can't ad-lib anymore.
- But, Ted, your ad-libbing is great.
- Really? Really.
Yes, just fine.
Fine.
A couple of small points, hardly worth mentioning, but do you think it's right on the election show to do impressions of Humphrey Bogart? That's all you know.
I was doing Jimmy Cagney.
I'm not going back out there alone.
- Has the political analyst arrived yet? - No.
I'm going back out there alone.
I'll never make it.
Look, Ted, I'm positive the phone lines are gonna be repaired soon.
In the meantime, we're all counting on you to pull us through.
Thirty seconds.
Stand by.
- Ted, you're gonna be just fine.
- Why do we have to go back on the air? Why don't we rerun last year's elections? At least last year's elections, the numbers changed.
Not like Turner: 85; Mitchell: 23 Turner: 108; Mitchell: 61.
Like that.
Turner: 112,; Mitchell: 74.
- The board's working.
- Don't stop me now.
I'm rolling.
- Turner: 136,; Mitchell: 114.
- Hold it.
Hold it just a Rhoda, you're leaning on the switch.
Hi, Mary.
Nice guy.
He's the floor manager, whatever that is.
Do you have to do that at a time like this? You know what it's like all alone behind that board? - It was Turner: 85 - Mitchell: 23.
I know.
- Rhoda, please, get back there.
- Okay, okay.
Ted, I'm sorry.
Rhoda made a mistake.
These are the wrong numbers.
Stand by, everybody.
What's wrong is I'm standing here and he's gonna throw his finger at me, and I'm gonna have to say, "Welcome back to election headquarters.
" It's still Turner: 85; Mitchell: 23.
A definite trend is being set.
Turner's lead seems to be holding quite steady.
And the excitement is just beginning.
Meanwhile, let's have a look at some of the other hotly-contested issues.
For example, the controversial Proposition "A" seems to be shaping up as quite a cliffhanger.
Right now the figures are zero to zero.
Have you ever wondered what the letters W.
J.
M.
stood for? Well, I certainly have.
And so, in 1951, W.
J.
M.
was granted a license by the F.
C.
C.
Have you ever wondered what the letters F.
C.
C.
stand for? That man is dying out there.
He's read everything in the studio, including his driver's license.
What we need are votes to talk about.
What's happening with the phone company? - I sent a man over there.
- And? He's missing.
So I sent another man to look for the first man.
- Don't tell me.
- Yes.
I'd like to send another man, but it's getting harder to find volunteers.
Maybe we ought to send Baxter.
No, no, no.
With our luck, he'd be the only one to make it back.
Mr.
Grant, why don't we just rerun an old movie until everything gets fixed? That's a good question for someone who doesn't know anything about this business.
We sold our election night coverage to sponsors.
They don't have to pay us unless we give them election night coverage.
So, unless there's a movie called Election Night Coverage Lou, Ted ran out of things to say.
What? He ran out of things to say three hours ago.
- This time it's different.
- What? - Turn on the sound, Mary.
- The sound is on.
Oh, this is different.
- What's he doing out there? - Breathing.
I don't believe I've ever seen that before.
- Murray, get into commercial fast.
- Right.
That settles it.
There are votes out there, and I'm gonna bring 'em here.
Mario, get the mobile unit gassed up, check the chains.
I'm taking it out.
- No! - What do you mean, no? - No, don't go.
- I didn't say no I said yes.
- Yes, I'm still going.
- Mr.
Grant, please don't go.
If you go, who's gonna be in charge? Same person who's been in charge you.
They only let me be in charge because they knew you were here to be in charge.
Why don't you stay and let me go get the votes? - I can't let you go out in that snow.
- Why? I'm good in the snow.
I drive very carefully.
I've driven in it before.
- You really think you can? - Of course I can.
The mobile unit has automatic transmission, doesn't it? Four on the floor, double clutch, compound low, four-wheel drive and a hydraulic shovel.
- I can learn.
- Look, Mary.
I hate to tell you this, but the mobile unit is a truck.
A big truck.
- A big one.
- I can still learn.
It's It's something It's-It's like an "H," right? It's more like an "H" with a "W" in the middle of it and a "T" on the side.
I'm sorry, Mary.
You're still in charge.
- And will you stop looking like that.
- Like what? Like that.
Like a poster for Radio Free Europe.
Well, l I suddenly just feel so lonely.
Turn on the TV.
That's always good company.
Add the yolks of three eggs, half a cup of walnuts Makes a wonderful late-night snack.
He's doing recipes? I'll hurry.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's still Turner: 85; Mitchell: 23.
But I'm sure our phone lines will be repaired soon and we'll have some new results.
With luck, maybe right after this next commercial.
And cut! Ted, are you all right? You you're doing this to me.
I'm gonna find you some help.
Murray, he needs somebody to talk to.
Don't look at me.
I don't even talk to him at parties.
Who we gonna get? What about him? He's already in makeup.
Thank heaven.
That must be the political analyst.
- Doctor? - Father.
- Doctor Father? - Father Flint.
Well, I'm very pleased to meet you.
I wasn't expecting to meet a priest.
It's my turn to do sermonette.
Oh.
Father, we're having a little trouble here.
I know, I know.
I haven't seen a man suffer like that since Job.
- Would you consider going on with him? - I'd be delighted.
- I've always wanted to do a talk show.
- Thank you, Father.
Ted, we've got some help.
What's he doing here? Do I look that bad? Relax, my dear boy.
You're going to be all right.
Where's my close-up camera? Am I on my mark here? In the chair, Father.
Coming out of commercial.
Stand by.
Good luck, Ted.
It's gonna be fine.
And, Father, thank you.
Stand by! Action! Back again, ladies and gentlemen.
We're fortunate to have an old friend drop by to say hello while our phone lines are being repaired.
I'd like you to meet Father Father - What's your name? - Father Flint.
Father Flint.
Tell me, Padre Now that you're here, I'm sure our viewers would like to know.
How long have you been interested in religion? Did you hear the one about the minister and the rabbi and the priest who all decided to play golf one election day? Yes, Father, about a half hour ago.
I see it's time for another commercial.
Oh, oh.
Ted and I will be right back after this important message.
And cut! It's going just fine, Ted.
Really fine.
I think you're gonna have to find someone to take Father Flint's place.
Poor man.
He seemed to have lost a lot of his wind after they sang "Danny Boy.
" Listen, everybody.
Channel 3 just predicted Turner a winner and signed off! All we have to do is declare Turner a winner, and we can all go home.
- No, hold it.
Hold it just a minute.
- What was that? That was, "Hold it just a minute.
" We can't go on with that information.
It's not official.
- It's official enough for me.
- Murray, no.
We have an obligation.
Mary, all those people out there are sleeping.
I feel no obligation to sleeping people.
Well, I'm sure at least Turner and Mitchell aren't sleeping.
It wouldn't be right.
It would be dishonest.
- Who is she? - Who are you anyway? Rhoda, I feel very strongly about this.
It would be wrong.
It wouldn't be so bad.
- Hey, what more do you need? - Coming out of commercial.
Stand by.
I am going to declare a winner now.
Ted, Ted, look.
I know you're dead tired and you wanna go home.
We all wanna go home, but I cannot let you make this announcement.
I'm going to declare a winner now.
Ted, if you declare a winner now, you're fired.
Stand by, everybody! And action! Welcome back, gentlemen ladies.
It looks like Turner: 85; Mitchell: 23.
And we'll stay right here until we get all the facts to declare a winner.
Oh, I see Gordie the weatherman just stopped in to say hello.
He's gonna tell us all about what makes it snow right after this commercial.
And cut! Congratulations, kid.
How'd you do it? I don't know.
I just opened my mouth, and "you're fired" just came out.
I guess I'm not so bad at being in charge after all.
Say, Rhoda, aren't you supposed to be in back of that board right now? I don't feel like it.
Oh, Tom, I wonder, could I talk to you Later.
I'm busy.
But I'm supposed to be in charge.
And so I decided to pack my bags and leave New York City and come here to Minneapolis.
People ask me, "Why Minneapolis?" And I replied, "Why not?" Oh, I see it's time for a commercial.
Ted and I will be right back after this brief message.
And cut! And what did you do after you got to Minneapolis? - Ted, we're off the air.
- Oh, are we? - Yeah.
- Would you lead me to the water? I think I'm thirsty.
Of course.
Steady now.
Come on.
Hi.
Hey, what's going on here? Say, aren't you Are you Chuckles the Clown? No, no, I'm Walter Cronkite.
- How did you get through the snowstorm? - I took the bus.
It quit snowing about an hour ago.
Listen.
How come you're still on the air? I have to go on in half an hour.
- We're waiting for the returns.
- Haven't you heard? - We haven't heard anything.
- Oh, for crying out loud.
"Mitchell wins it.
Turner concedes.
" - Turner - Mitchell won it, not Turner.
- Mm-hmm.
- Chuckles, listen.
Ted is not really in any condition to go on.
Would you go on and announce the winner so we can all go home? Chuck-a-luck-a-bunky-wuck! Would I ever! Just point Mr.
Camera at me.
Coming out of commercial.
And action! Hi, boys and girls! Our new mayor is Mr.
Mitchell! So let's all give him a really colossal Chuckles the Clown Club cheer! Chuck-a-luck! Chuck-a-luck! Chuck-a-luck-luck-luck-luck-a-chuck! Luck-a-chuck! Luck-chuck-chuck! Mary, when I put somebody in charge, I never second-guess 'em.
That's my policy.
So I'm never gonna ask you why you put Ted Baxter in a clown suit.