The McCarthys (2014) s01e06 Episode Script

Ronny: This is my hometown.
My family members are scattered all over Boston.
My parents live here.
My sister lives here.
My brothers live here and here.
And I live way over here.
But we always seem to end up over here.
The shrimp sounds good.
Shrimp? On a weeknight? What, are we the Rockefellers? Hey, maybe it's time to update our "rich people" reference.
Oh, my God, it's Tommy O'Gara.
Who the hell is that? He dated Jackie in high school.
For, like, a year.
Do you remember when Tommy broke up with her? She locked herself in her room for a week.
That was a really quiet week.
She never got over him.
Is he coming over here? Looks like you never got over him.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Tommy.
Oh, my God.
How are you guys? Hey, Ronny.
Mrs.
McCarthy, you look amazing.
Oh, Tommy, you were always such a truth-teller.
Seriously, if you get any younger, I'm gonna have to get you a booster seat.
If you bring it, I'll sit in it.
Please don't bring it.
So, how are you, Tommy? I'm great, I just moved back to Boston.
Trying to make a little extra money, I'm opening a restaurant in the spring.
A restaurant?! In the spring?! Have you ever heard of such a thing? We've heard of both of those things.
So, uh How's Jackie? Oh, you know, Jackie's Jackie.
Well, that's good.
No, not really.
(Laughs) You're still so funny.
Oh, Tommy, the truths keep coming.
Well, I'll let you guys look at your menus, but it was good to see you.
Thank you, Tommy.
Oh, he is so sweet.
He's such a great guy.
Eh, I never cared for him.
Why? You don't remember the incident? Prom night? So, I heard the celtics won today.
I was VCRing that game.
I was gonna watch it while you knuckleheads were all at the prom.
He blew it for me.
Worst thing anyone's ever done to anyone on prom night.
Well, I was thrilled when he was dating Jackie.
He makes everyone better.
And he always laughed at my jokes.
You don't make jokes.
I make jokes.
Go ahead, make a joke.
I can't just make up one on the spot.
Why not? Make a joke about beer.
Okay, fine.
Sam Adams What did Sam Adams So, Sam Adams and John Adams Okay, I'm pulling the plug on the world's worst improv show.
(Laughing) What? It was better than I thought it was gonna be.
Oh, we should try and get Tommy back together with Jackie again.
Great idea.
Maybe he dumped her in high school because she wasn't pregnant enough.
Tommy.
Tommy, Tommy.
Tommy.
Are you seeing anyone? No, well, I had a boyfriend, uh, back in Chicago, but we just broke up.
Clearly, you weren't aware that I moved to Chicago.
(Laughing): Oh, Tommy.
What a clever way to say it.
Ronny's gay now.
Wow! Oh.
He's not great at it, though, but he's trying.
Ronny, you should ask him out.
What? No.
I'm not gonna do that.
Why not? If Jackie can't have him, then somebody should.
We've ruled out you, right? Look Have I always thought that he was cute? Yes.
But Jackie wouldn't appreciate me dating her ex.
Oh, please, she'd be fine.
She rolls with things.
She “rolls” with things? You ate all the cashews? You said you hate cashews.
I changed my mind.
But wouldn't she have felt better if she knew she couldn't eat the cashews because they were gay? Maybe let's put aside the cashews.
Or get some.
I'm starving.
Maybe when this guy's done coming out to everyone, he can take our order.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
I can, uh, tell you about our specials.
Tommy, you and Ronny should go on a date.
What? Oh, uh, would you Want to go out? You don't have to.
No, I mean Unless you Uh, why not? Let's do it.
Okay.
I'll pay you a thousand dollars for a roll.
The McCarthys S01E06 Original air date 04/12 Isn't that a great joke? Wait, so Sam Adams is with John Adams? Your mother tells it better.
Ooh, Gerard.
Guess what I got you for our birthday Friday.
My own birthday, separate from yours? Oh, I wouldn't begin to know how to do that.
Oh, Ron, Ronny, Ronny, Ronny.
Ronny, how was the date? Oh, right my date.
Almost forgot about the greatest night of my life.
Oh, Ronny, that is fantastic, you and Tommy.
We had a really good time.
Tommy had a really good time? What are you two eighth-grade girls gabbing about? Wow, everyone is just buzzing about how young I look.
I went out with Tommy O'Gara last night.
And again today for lunch.
(Gasps) Lunch, how romantic.
Arthur.
Do you remember our first lunch? Nope.
Me neither.
But you and Tommy will, Ronny.
Arthur and I didn't, but you and Tommy will.
Sorry, Ronny, Tommy O'Gara's not gay.
He went out with Jackie.
Well, for someone who's straight, he sure likes holding hands with a guy.
Ronny, please, let's keep it pg.
Tommy O'Gara, gay.
Huh, I could see that.
Well, come on, put your arm around her.
She's not gonna bite you.
Get in there, Ronny.
My goodness, what is with you guys? So nervous, it's adorable.
So, what does old Jackie think about this? You think she's not gonna be happy with me, don't you? Oh, I know she's not gonna be happy with you.
And that's why you're smiling like a cartoon villain? Yes, it is.
Well, she's not gonna mind.
Is what I keep telling myself.
And when I'm feeling really delusional, I add that she might even take it as great news.
(Laughing): “great news.
” who knows? She might be relieved to find out the real reason Tommy broke up with her.
Oh, Ronny, you dating Tommy and having to tell Jackie Is this all an early birthday present for me? 'Cause it's making me very happy! My present's better, it's awesome.
Although it sounds like Ronny went to a lot of effort.
Well, apparently there's no right way to tell a first date you're pregnant.
Well, this has been fun.
I like you.
Well, if you like me, know who you'll really like? The mini version of me that's floating around inside me.
What, every little thing about you is on your profile? I'm starting to think this baby is really gonna affect my life.
W- wait, Jackie, don't go.
Ronny's got some great news that's sure to cheer you up.
What is it, Ronny? (Clears throat) Mom bought cashews.
She did? No.
Why would you do that to me? You're a monster! Do you hear that, Ronny? You're a monster.
And that's just because you lied about nuts.
Here's the section we're looking for.
Adult twin boys birthday.
It's not really a section, more of a row.
It's just this card.
So, your brothers don't mind that you get one card for the both of them? Sean's fine with it, and it enrages Gerard, so I've made it a tradition.
Excuse me, where's your adult twin boys card? Oh, boy.
She doesn't know? Ronny: Nope.
Ronny? Hi, Jackie.
Tommy? Hi, Jackie.
Good to see you.
It's good to see you.
So, what are you doing here? Well, I-I just we I just bumped into Ronny, and I was, uh I was, uh Getting a card.
Yes, was getting a card for, uh, for my Uncle who, um (Moans) Died.
So you're getting him a card? Aw, you're so sweet.
Speaking of sweet, maybe sometime we could grab a fro-yo.
Uh, sure.
Okay, when? Okay.
I didn't just bump into Tommy.
We're actually kind of dating.
Wait, so you're gay? Yeah, so Good news! Wasn't you, it's him.
Yay! Oh, so my ex is gay And dating my brother.
That's Great.
Very great.
Just great.
It's really very great.
Just a whole lot of great in here.
Great.
I'm great.
This is all, everything in this store, super great.
She'll be okay.
Really? Oh, no.
Happy Birthday, Sean.
Thanks, ma.
I gotta hide Gerard's gift.
You got him Rick fox?! That's right.
Rick, my parents Arthur and Marjorie.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, too.
Lovely home.
Oh, we are big, big fans.
You're very attractive.
I booked him to hang out with me and Gerard for our birthday.
Oh, I think I hear him.
Rick, you got to hide.
In here.
Hide, hide, hide.
Hey, happy birthday, Sean! Ah, I thought you were Gerard.
Rick fox is in the closet.
Well, that sounds like Rick fox's business, not ours.
- Gerard, Happy Birthday! - Hey! Happy Birthday! Thanks, guys.
Happy Birthday, buddy.
Thanks, Gerard.
Ready for your gift? Okay, who was your favorite Celtic back in the day? Larry bird.
Who was your second favorite? Kevin McHale.
Okay, but who'd you like in the '90s? Antoine Walker.
Reggie Lewis.
Dee brown.
Name another guy.
I don't know.
Rick fox.
(Laughs triumphantly) You're welcome! Oh, wow.
He was in the actual closet.
Rick fox, you got to be kidding me.
You were my favorite.
Really? I'm Larry bird? Well, I-I love you, too.
How'd you do this? I found this web site where you can book ex-athletes to show up at your event.
This is so cool.
I know.
Go ahead, ask him anything you want.
So many questions.
What's it like playing for the celtics? Good.
What's it like playing for 15,000 screaming fans? Loud.
Wow.
Not much of a conversationalist.
Ah, don't beat yourself up, Gerard.
I think you're doing just fine.
Well, thanks for stopping by.
I'm sure you got somewhere to be.
Nope.
Just here.
There was a two-hour minimum.
Oh.
Well, make yourself at home.
Actually, Rick.
I have to get some things off a high shelf.
Would you be a dear and help me out? You got it, Marjorie.
Two hours? Yep.
Two hours of Rick fox and his amazing stories.
(Knocking on door) Tommy.
Hi.
Who invited the spoiler alert? I'm glad you're here.
I'm glad you invited me.
Wait a minute, I did? Yes, you did.
In an e-mail.
Wow, junior moment.
(Laughing) (All laughing) Hilarious.
Get in the kitchen.
Excuse us.
You honestly e-mailed him as me and invited him here? I was just trying to help you move things along.
Oh, my God.
Is this the one you wanted? No, the blue one.
So, what's gonna happen when Jackie comes? You're so concerned about Jackie You sound like Tommy.
Wait.
How do you know Tommy's concerned about Jackie? Tommy e-mailed me you, us Asking How is Jackie doing.
I said, don't worry, she's totally fine.
She never is I don't know why we said that.
Exactly.
And she's not fine right now, because she found out about me and Tommy.
And she's gonna be here any minute.
You guys kill spiders or take them outside? Kill.
Okay, sorry.
I didn't know all this.
Oh, Ronny, if I were you, I would not have invited Tommy.
You were me, and you did! This is your lucky day, bro.
Sorry for the delay.
Had a little "kitchen confidential.
" (both laughing) Oh, Tommy! (Laughter continues) (Laughs) Yeah, she's a hoot.
But tonight's about Sean and Gerard.
Blue bowl.
And Rick fox.
Tommy, this is Rick.
He played for the celtics.
But now you can rent them.
I also act.
Ugly Betty, one Tree Hill.
Wow! Two of our favorites.
Hey, everyone.
Sorry I'm late.
Tommy? And Rick fox.
Nice to see you, Tommy.
Sorry, Rick.
She's probably ignoring you 'cause you went to the Lakers.
I am really sorry about Tommy.
Mom invited him.
Ronny, it's fine I've had some time to think, and I'm okay with the whole Tommy thing.
Really? 'Cause earlier today you trashed a card store.
No, I'm okay.
In fact, I'm more than okay.
Is this seat taken? It's nice to see you, Tommy.
Oh, chips.
don't mind if I do.
Oh, I know what this is This is Ronny's birthday present to me slowly unfolding before my eyes.
Do you want a chip, Tommy? Not that one.
Eat the damn chip, Jackie.
And now it's your turn in the crazy kitchen.
(Singsong): I'll be back.
(Singsong): don't threaten him.
Do you not recall our conversation when I told you that I'm seeing Tommy? Marjorie sent me in for a trivet.
Drawer under the toaster.
Jackie, what are you doing? He's gay.
You never know.
You often know.
- They say sexuality's a spectrum.
- That's not the sound of a guy looking for a trivet.
Okay, forget that he's gay.
No.
Remember that he's gay and that I'm dating him.
What are you thinking? Maybe you should remember that I used to date him.
What are you thinking? I'm thinking he's gay.
She's on a mission, Ronny.
All right, everybody dig in.
Wow, that steak looks beautiful, Mrs.
McCarthy.
Oh, thank you, Tommy.
I try and take care of myself.
Remember the steak before the prom, Tommy? Yeah.
That was a good steak.
Remember the kisses after the prom? I mostly remember the steak.
Wow, two people, wildly different prom memories.
Oh, well.
Maybe we can make some new prom memories? How do you make new prom memories? They did it in back to the future.
Wait.
Jackie you know that I'm gay, right? Are you? He is.
Saying “are you” in a weird voice doesn't mean he's not.
Thanks again, Ronny.
I love my gift.
Gerard, cut it out.
Yes.
Cut it out.
Everybody cut it out, or we're gonna lose our Tommy.
(Laughing) Oh, Tommy.
Laugh with me.
Make it okay.
I really should go.
No, don't.
Tommy, stay.
I beg you! I'm really sorry, Ronny.
Hold on.
I got something to say.
I just realized that that guy wasn't the one that ruined the celtics game.
This guy I don't know who he is.
I don't know what you're talking about.
And that was the least awkward thing that happened to me tonight.
Well, don't just sit there Go after him.
You're right.
I'll go.
Not you.
Have some chips.
Ronny You miss a hundred percent of the shots you don't take.
What are you talking about, Rick fox? Go after him.
Thanks, but I don't Go.
You're not the boss of me.
Hey, Rick, how about letting me block one of your shots? I get paid either way.
(Fierce yelling) Not in my parents' house.
- Boom! - Boom! So How'd it go with Tommy? Not great.
He doesn't want to see me anymore.
Sorry, buddy.
- Bummer.
- I always liked that kid.
So, what'd he say? Well I'm not sure how, but he sensed that he and I dating was affecting you in some way.
God, he's so intuitive.
You guys are perfect for each other.
Oh, right, I wrecked that.
I'm really sorry, Ronny.
I don't know what I was thinking.
Yeah, what were you thinking there, champ? I don't know.
Baby, crazy, sad.
I think the cashews really set me on a bad path.
Well, Mom bought some more.
- Really? - No.
Sorry.
That's okay.
Sometimes I just feel like I'm never gonna find anyone.
Oh, you will, Jackie.
You've just got to focus on guys that are available.
And heterosexual.
Mm.
And contractually obligated to be here.
Oh, my God, - he's beautiful.
- See? I was so focused on Tommy, I didn't notice what was right above us.
Go.
So acting, huh? Love to hear more about that.
And I'd love to tell you.
But I'm supposed to be entertaining these guys.
- It's alright.
- Why start now? Yeah.
You okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
Of course you are.
It's his loss.
Aw, thanks, Mom.
I appreciate that.
You're welcome, sweetheart.
Damn it, Arthur, we had two shots at that guy.