The Midnight Beast (2012) s01e06 Episode Script
The Sloman Show
1 I wanna play Cluedo with my bros I wanna paint rainbows on my toes I don't wanna ho, I want Hello and welcome to the Sloman Show, aka things I've got on my laptop of the Midnight Beast that I want to show you.
I've done that too bright, it's too bright.
Woo! I've been partying all night long with the Midnight Beast.
It was a crazy party.
When I say party, I mean par-tay.
So for the first clip I've got for you, it's called I Kicked A Shark In Its Face.
The Mid-night Beast! We're the greatest unsigned gimmick rap band from southwest London.
We're not unsigned because we're shit, we're unsigned because corporations suck! And because we're shit.
Shut up, Ash.
Mum, your little boys flown from the nest Moved in with his best boyfriends We're the best To a very big mansion of a crib No more nappies, no more bibs What? Nothing.
We've got our own fridge The wide world's very, very mean But Mum, I can handle myself, you'll soon see! Just the other day I was walking, felt a tap on my shoulder There's a shark standing there and he looks much older He's like "Raar raar raar" I turn around and I'm like "What the hell?" He looks back at me, he's like "Raar raar raar" I look at him and I'm like "What the hell? "What the hell?" Then I kicked the shark in the face He kicked the shark in the face Then I kicked the shark in the face His face was a total disgrace Humans are fitter You can't punch me with a flipper I'm sitting on my arse playing Xbox games Then I hear a voice and it's calling out my name I'm like "Yo, what you want, motherfucker?" He's like "Yo, y-y-you motherfucker" What happened next? I'm getting to that Zip up my flies, roll my sleeves, grab a baseball bat I look left, look right, but there's no one around Then a bear, tap, tap, pulls me to the ground He's like "Raar raar raar" Then I get up and I'm like "What the fuck?" He looks back and he's like "Raar raar raar" I'm not even scared, I'm like "What the fuck? "W-w-w-what the fuck?" Then I hit the bear in the balls He hit the bear in the balls Take one for the team to the balls Should have protected his balls Go cry to ya' momma A bear couldn't cook carbonara I hit the bear in the balls He hit the bear in the balls Swim with a school of fish Hunt with a pack of wolves The only thing I know is I love animals We put this bit in the song So the animal lovers don't come for us I love animals We put this bit in the song So the animal lovers don't come for us Then I kicked the shark in the face Humans are winners Cos we'll have you later for dinner Unless you're vegetarian And that's OK, being vegetarian's fine with me-e-ay.
Hello and welcome back to the Simon Show, aka things what I've got on my hard drive.
This next song is called Quirky.
Quirky.
Cos I'm quirky Cos I'm quirky Cos I'm quirky When I'm 30 Why? Cos I'm quirky Not married but I wear a wedding ring on my hand I go to sleep when I want, cos I don't have bedtime planned Don't obey by the rules, sometimes I don't even care If I'm out eating at a buffet, I'll have more than my share What?! I'm a bad influence Don't hang around with me I ride my bike on the pavement, wear my clothes in the shower I'm straight up crazy I've got a beard I've got an afro I've got eyebrows that rock So if you want to out-quirky us, then take your best shot I don't sing in tune, why? Cos I'm quirky Backwards lyrics my of all rap I Cos I'm quirky I sip my coffee through a straw, bitch Cos I'm quirky And I still rock a cap when I'm thirty Why? Cos I'm quirky The other day, I had a piece of toast But I didn't even butter it, it tasted gross I don't care what I do, I'm a real live wire I hold a match till it burns, I'm playing with fire Fuck vegetables, I don't eat none of that shit Fuck education, I don't study one little bit Fuck the Fonz, he thinks he's fucking cooler than me And fuck singing this song, cos I'm too quirky to sing I wear red and pink, why? Cos I'm quirky I greet you with a goodbye Cos I'm quirky I have eleven beers a day, why? Cos I'm quir No, no, that just makes you an alcoholic.
.
.
And I still have a beard when I'm thirty.
Why?! # Cos I'm quirky Ripping a hole in your jeans Owning a pink limousine Learning to ride a unicycle whilst you're dressed as the queen Fighting a bear with one hand Getting a full-body tan Joining a post-apocalyptic gothic hardcore band I like Home Alone 3 Cos I'm quirky I'm drinking peppermint tea Cos I'm quirky I got a picture of the Hoff, see? Cos I'm quirky And I'll still rock a cap when I'm thirty.
Why? Cos I'm quirky.
Yo, welcome back to the crib.
Shhh.
I'm playing a video game.
I like video games because they allow you to do things simulated that you can't do in real life.
For instance, I always wanted to be an air traffic controller but they wouldn't let me do it cos they said I was unstable.
Ha! Fuck that! It's the year of the beast I'm on it like Sonic It is on like Donkey Kong I'm gonna tell you like Shut up.
Just do the song.
OK.
I like games, they're hot to turn on You can cheat 'em and they don't get pissed when you're gone You complete 'em, they don't hang around wanting more And the only thing that matters is to get top score Girlfriends just whine and bitch and moan But I can get more pleasure when I'm sitting on my own Girlfriends just bitch and moan and whine Get out my fucking room, whore, read the sign I don't wanna take Pebbles for a walk in the street I don't wanna take you dancing, it hurts my feet How come my friends understand when I feel pissed off? I wanna put my cock in Lara Croft Videogames are better than girlfriends Cos you don't have to do things to keep them happy You just play them And have numerous amounts of fun Maybe life would be better as a videogame I could ride a dragon through the sky like a plane I could solve a problem with a fight to the death For the last can of beans or a glimpse of a breast I'd get paper from robbing all the banks Up, down, left, right, turn Gets a tank RSI on my thumbs from Call Of Duty I'd rather shoot my load at a virtual booty I don't wanna give advice on your newest dress I don't wanna wear a trilby, give it a rest How come my friends understand when I feel pissed off? I wanna put my dongle in Microsoft Videogames are better than girlfriends Cos you don't have to think of a conversation You just look at 'em And turn 'em off when you're bored and done My time with Mario Is better than time with you You can call me a saddo But it's all I want to do I'm scared of bajingas They make me want to hurl As long as I have fingers I'll never need a girl.
Sloman Show! I've dimmed the lights for dramatic effect, to be more dramatic.
Woo.
This next song's called Life Is A Musical.
Hit! Da-da-da-dum-da-da-da Da-da-dum-da-da-da-da Da-da-dum-da-da-da-dum-da-da Da-da-da-dum-da-da-da Da-da-dum-da-da-da-da Da-da-dum-da-da-da-dum-da-da Da-da-dum-da-da-da-dum-da-da Da-da-dum-da-da-da-da What the fudge was Mr Jones on about back there? I don't know, man, but that guy is some kind of crazy Are we gonna show these kids how to kick it or what? You're damn right we are, let's do this thing Life could be cool like American High School High school is cool We dance around and use dollars not pounds Different currencies Standing on a car playing my guitar When we reach the final curtain That's one thing we know for certain Because we all love a happy ending We're blessed, we're the best, we're all fucking amazing We all love a happy finish Let's all have a ball Cos life is a musical Life, life, life is a musical Life, life, life is a musical We stick together whatever the weather Sunshine Ra-ai-i-ai-ain Brother to brother, in love with each other But we're not gay I mean it, OK? Come on, yeah! We all love a happy ending Hey, look, there's a clown There's no frowns in this town We all love a happy finish Let's all have a ball Cos life is a musical The Midnight Beast are everywhere Now everybody throw your hands in the air The Midnight Beast are in the place Now everybody slap yourself in the face Now everybody slap your friend in the face Ohhhhhhhh! We all love a happy ending I once was a limb Now I'm dressed as a tree We all love a happy finish No need to have timing, we're all bloody miming We all love a happy ending You'll look like a dick and you'll dance till you're sick.
What show would be complete without an interview section.
The boys are asleep but I've got the next best thing.
Bogdan from the cafe.
Please welcome Now.
Bogdan from the cafe.
Awesome.
Bogdan, welcome to the show.
You're welcome.
Now, you work in the cafe.
You own the cafe.
What do you sell there? Eggs.
What else do you sell there? Bacon.
What else do you sell in the cafe, Bogdan? Napkins.
Oh, really? No, you don't.
For 5p.
Tight.
The next one is specially for Bogdan.
It's called Strategy Wanking.
What? What are you talking? You're stressed about a meeting Cos you haven't got a clue Your girlfriend won't have sex With you because she's got the flu Your cat won't eat it's dinner Cos it doesn't like the taste Your parents had a baby And you're sad you've been replaced Act like you mean it Don't make a sound Keep it a secret People in the place Gotta listen up, right We gonna get loose In our pants tonight Strategy Wanking Oh-oh-oh Got to cure your frustration Oh-oh-oh Strategy Wanking Oh-oh-oh It's only meditation You could've scored The winning goal But you missed the shot You've seen the monkeys Procreating Boy it's got you hot You owe the mob some money But you'll never find the cash You found out you got herpes When you thought it was a rash Urge the temptation Don't feel ashamed Feel the inflation People in the place Put your hands down there And shake it all around Like you just don't care Strategy Wanking Oh-oh-oh Undercover masturbation Oh-oh-oh Strategy Wanking Oh-oh-oh When the pussy's on vacation It's not dumb It's fun It only takes one Strategy Wanking Oh-oh-oh Strategy Wanking Oh-oh-oh You hit the floor With your new song It's immature Your career's bombed Tragedy Wanking Got to pick up the pieces They call it Tragedy Wanking When you've just been defeated Strategy Wanking Oh-oh-oh You won't feel neglected Oh-oh-oh Strategy Wanking Oh-oh-oh You'll never be rejected It's not dumb It's fun It only takes one Strategy Wanking Oh-oh-oh Strategy Wanking Oh-oh-oh.
(BLEEP) loser! Oh, yeah, shouting at me in my own house.
It's not my house, I live next door.
I will see you (BLEEP).
You, I know where you are.
Sloman.
Shut up! All right.
What the? What the fuck are you doing? Hello, boys.
Nice to have you here and for you to wake up, eh? What are you playing at? I was here for the party.
What are these? What party? Just some cameras.
We didn't have a party.
Yeah, we had a crazy party.
I downed that beer.
Remember? There was no party.
And next up, Lez Be Friends.
What? I'm at a party I'm a girl machine I'm gonna have sex with them all, If you know what I mean It's like a sweet sixteen But the girls are eighteen And I can't wait to peel 'em Like a tangerine I'm gonna g-go down on 'em Like a submarine Submarines are fun He-he-he-he-he I walk to a hottie And turn on my charm But before I can start I hear a rape alarm It's going I can't feel my ears I think they're bleeding From the I can't work out Why the girls are screaming I'm the best-looking boy In the world Oh, wait I bet she likes kissing girls If a girl won't come round She must be a lesbian Or turns me down She must be a lesbian If she doesn't fancy me Way-oh She must bat for the other team She's a lesbian Take two It's my rapping debut I'm having trouble trying to find A better girl to pursue I'm like a fire truck What? Full of muscly guys? I meant a pun where I compare The hose to my (BLEEP) size And then I see her And I start feeling sick I say my name is Pogo You want to jump on my stick? I woo her with my words, Ask if I can poker face? She doesn't see the funny side And sprays my face with mace If a girl won't come round She must be a lesbian Or turns me down She must be a lesbian If she don't like me She must be a lesbian I'll let her down lightly She must be a lesbian If a girl won't kiss She's taking the piss Or get down with this I can't believe it If she don't give me the eye Way-oh She must drive on the other side She's a lesbian It's your birthday You go, girl What's your name? I like your shoes We are two boys And we're looking for two girls They are two girls Let's talk to the girls How are you? What's your name? I try to talk but I just came In my pants I am sad Chatting up girls is really rad.
Les-lesbians That girl She must be a lesbian She's a lesbian Les-lesbians That girl She must be a lesbian She's a lesbian.
So, let me get this straight.
You broke into our flat whilst we were sleeping, you've set up cameras and you've started to make your own TV show? Not that bad.
I didn't break in, I sort of snuck in.
And I didn't touch any of you when you were asleep.
It's still a bit weird though, isn't it? It's really weird.
Why don't we watch funny video clips on the internet? I know some hilarious ones.
No, I don't I don't know.
I think you'd better go home.
Just for a bit.
Please.
Please.
No.
Please.
One minute.
One minute.
Twenty.
Twenty minutes.
Four.
Eleven minutes.
Four and a half.
Nine minutes.
All right, five.
Five.
Just five.
Five minutes.
All right, five minutes, cool.
I know a great clip about a monkey pissing into its own mouth.
Check it out.
Now that we rolling in dough Let's get a yacht with a bed But we don't have enough Let's buy a dinghy instead We wanna drink Cristal But settled with soda We couldn't buy a Porsche Let's pimp out a Skoda.
Yeah! Medium pimpin' Living the dream Instead of caviar, bitch Got vanilla ice cream No care in the world Just got numerous pounds We only travel first class On the underground Medium pimpin' Car with wheels Moderately pimpin' Fancy meals Averagely pimpin' Sex appeal Medium pimpin' Pimpin' pimpin' Train to Soho Pick up some ho-hoes Can only get a chat Not enough for a blow-blow Ha! Medium bitches Hard to afford I shop so much at ASDA I'm sponsored by George We wanted some dancers But children were cheaper Got so much fucking money I could buy your sister Buy your mama Buy your papa Dress 'em up as animals And take a picture Medium pimpin' Chandelier Standardly pimpin' Unlimited beer Mediocre pimpin' New career Medium pimpin' Pimpin' pimpin' N-N-N-Now I am a rich man Na-na, na-na, na-na Na-na-na-na-naaa Medium pimpin' Medium pimpin' Medium gangster Medium height Ba-na-na-na Optician told me I got medium sight Ba-na-na-na Average pits With an average smell Ba-na-na-na And downstairs Pretty average as well Ba-na-na-na Medium dance With a minimal beat Ba-na-na-na Minimum clothes On medium seats Ba-na-na-na Medium shoulders, minimal hands Spread your legs, Lois Lane I'm super-medium-man Medium pimpin' Bronze shoes Moderately pimpin' Bronze cane Averagely pimpin' Bronze gloves Medium pimpin' Bronze brain Wow Now I am a rich man Na-na, na-na, na-na Na-na-na-na-naaa Medium pimpin' Bigger than small Medium pimpin' Smaller than big Ba-na-na-na Medium pimpin' baby Ba-na-na-na That's right spending cheese Ba-na-na-na Cheese? Yeah, that means money Ba-na-na-na Oh.
I've done that too bright, it's too bright.
Woo! I've been partying all night long with the Midnight Beast.
It was a crazy party.
When I say party, I mean par-tay.
So for the first clip I've got for you, it's called I Kicked A Shark In Its Face.
The Mid-night Beast! We're the greatest unsigned gimmick rap band from southwest London.
We're not unsigned because we're shit, we're unsigned because corporations suck! And because we're shit.
Shut up, Ash.
Mum, your little boys flown from the nest Moved in with his best boyfriends We're the best To a very big mansion of a crib No more nappies, no more bibs What? Nothing.
We've got our own fridge The wide world's very, very mean But Mum, I can handle myself, you'll soon see! Just the other day I was walking, felt a tap on my shoulder There's a shark standing there and he looks much older He's like "Raar raar raar" I turn around and I'm like "What the hell?" He looks back at me, he's like "Raar raar raar" I look at him and I'm like "What the hell? "What the hell?" Then I kicked the shark in the face He kicked the shark in the face Then I kicked the shark in the face His face was a total disgrace Humans are fitter You can't punch me with a flipper I'm sitting on my arse playing Xbox games Then I hear a voice and it's calling out my name I'm like "Yo, what you want, motherfucker?" He's like "Yo, y-y-you motherfucker" What happened next? I'm getting to that Zip up my flies, roll my sleeves, grab a baseball bat I look left, look right, but there's no one around Then a bear, tap, tap, pulls me to the ground He's like "Raar raar raar" Then I get up and I'm like "What the fuck?" He looks back and he's like "Raar raar raar" I'm not even scared, I'm like "What the fuck? "W-w-w-what the fuck?" Then I hit the bear in the balls He hit the bear in the balls Take one for the team to the balls Should have protected his balls Go cry to ya' momma A bear couldn't cook carbonara I hit the bear in the balls He hit the bear in the balls Swim with a school of fish Hunt with a pack of wolves The only thing I know is I love animals We put this bit in the song So the animal lovers don't come for us I love animals We put this bit in the song So the animal lovers don't come for us Then I kicked the shark in the face Humans are winners Cos we'll have you later for dinner Unless you're vegetarian And that's OK, being vegetarian's fine with me-e-ay.
Hello and welcome back to the Simon Show, aka things what I've got on my hard drive.
This next song is called Quirky.
Quirky.
Cos I'm quirky Cos I'm quirky Cos I'm quirky When I'm 30 Why? Cos I'm quirky Not married but I wear a wedding ring on my hand I go to sleep when I want, cos I don't have bedtime planned Don't obey by the rules, sometimes I don't even care If I'm out eating at a buffet, I'll have more than my share What?! I'm a bad influence Don't hang around with me I ride my bike on the pavement, wear my clothes in the shower I'm straight up crazy I've got a beard I've got an afro I've got eyebrows that rock So if you want to out-quirky us, then take your best shot I don't sing in tune, why? Cos I'm quirky Backwards lyrics my of all rap I Cos I'm quirky I sip my coffee through a straw, bitch Cos I'm quirky And I still rock a cap when I'm thirty Why? Cos I'm quirky The other day, I had a piece of toast But I didn't even butter it, it tasted gross I don't care what I do, I'm a real live wire I hold a match till it burns, I'm playing with fire Fuck vegetables, I don't eat none of that shit Fuck education, I don't study one little bit Fuck the Fonz, he thinks he's fucking cooler than me And fuck singing this song, cos I'm too quirky to sing I wear red and pink, why? Cos I'm quirky I greet you with a goodbye Cos I'm quirky I have eleven beers a day, why? Cos I'm quir No, no, that just makes you an alcoholic.
.
.
And I still have a beard when I'm thirty.
Why?! # Cos I'm quirky Ripping a hole in your jeans Owning a pink limousine Learning to ride a unicycle whilst you're dressed as the queen Fighting a bear with one hand Getting a full-body tan Joining a post-apocalyptic gothic hardcore band I like Home Alone 3 Cos I'm quirky I'm drinking peppermint tea Cos I'm quirky I got a picture of the Hoff, see? Cos I'm quirky And I'll still rock a cap when I'm thirty.
Why? Cos I'm quirky.
Yo, welcome back to the crib.
Shhh.
I'm playing a video game.
I like video games because they allow you to do things simulated that you can't do in real life.
For instance, I always wanted to be an air traffic controller but they wouldn't let me do it cos they said I was unstable.
Ha! Fuck that! It's the year of the beast I'm on it like Sonic It is on like Donkey Kong I'm gonna tell you like Shut up.
Just do the song.
OK.
I like games, they're hot to turn on You can cheat 'em and they don't get pissed when you're gone You complete 'em, they don't hang around wanting more And the only thing that matters is to get top score Girlfriends just whine and bitch and moan But I can get more pleasure when I'm sitting on my own Girlfriends just bitch and moan and whine Get out my fucking room, whore, read the sign I don't wanna take Pebbles for a walk in the street I don't wanna take you dancing, it hurts my feet How come my friends understand when I feel pissed off? I wanna put my cock in Lara Croft Videogames are better than girlfriends Cos you don't have to do things to keep them happy You just play them And have numerous amounts of fun Maybe life would be better as a videogame I could ride a dragon through the sky like a plane I could solve a problem with a fight to the death For the last can of beans or a glimpse of a breast I'd get paper from robbing all the banks Up, down, left, right, turn Gets a tank RSI on my thumbs from Call Of Duty I'd rather shoot my load at a virtual booty I don't wanna give advice on your newest dress I don't wanna wear a trilby, give it a rest How come my friends understand when I feel pissed off? I wanna put my dongle in Microsoft Videogames are better than girlfriends Cos you don't have to think of a conversation You just look at 'em And turn 'em off when you're bored and done My time with Mario Is better than time with you You can call me a saddo But it's all I want to do I'm scared of bajingas They make me want to hurl As long as I have fingers I'll never need a girl.
Sloman Show! I've dimmed the lights for dramatic effect, to be more dramatic.
Woo.
This next song's called Life Is A Musical.
Hit! Da-da-da-dum-da-da-da Da-da-dum-da-da-da-da Da-da-dum-da-da-da-dum-da-da Da-da-da-dum-da-da-da Da-da-dum-da-da-da-da Da-da-dum-da-da-da-dum-da-da Da-da-dum-da-da-da-dum-da-da Da-da-dum-da-da-da-da What the fudge was Mr Jones on about back there? I don't know, man, but that guy is some kind of crazy Are we gonna show these kids how to kick it or what? You're damn right we are, let's do this thing Life could be cool like American High School High school is cool We dance around and use dollars not pounds Different currencies Standing on a car playing my guitar When we reach the final curtain That's one thing we know for certain Because we all love a happy ending We're blessed, we're the best, we're all fucking amazing We all love a happy finish Let's all have a ball Cos life is a musical Life, life, life is a musical Life, life, life is a musical We stick together whatever the weather Sunshine Ra-ai-i-ai-ain Brother to brother, in love with each other But we're not gay I mean it, OK? Come on, yeah! We all love a happy ending Hey, look, there's a clown There's no frowns in this town We all love a happy finish Let's all have a ball Cos life is a musical The Midnight Beast are everywhere Now everybody throw your hands in the air The Midnight Beast are in the place Now everybody slap yourself in the face Now everybody slap your friend in the face Ohhhhhhhh! We all love a happy ending I once was a limb Now I'm dressed as a tree We all love a happy finish No need to have timing, we're all bloody miming We all love a happy ending You'll look like a dick and you'll dance till you're sick.
What show would be complete without an interview section.
The boys are asleep but I've got the next best thing.
Bogdan from the cafe.
Please welcome Now.
Bogdan from the cafe.
Awesome.
Bogdan, welcome to the show.
You're welcome.
Now, you work in the cafe.
You own the cafe.
What do you sell there? Eggs.
What else do you sell there? Bacon.
What else do you sell in the cafe, Bogdan? Napkins.
Oh, really? No, you don't.
For 5p.
Tight.
The next one is specially for Bogdan.
It's called Strategy Wanking.
What? What are you talking? You're stressed about a meeting Cos you haven't got a clue Your girlfriend won't have sex With you because she's got the flu Your cat won't eat it's dinner Cos it doesn't like the taste Your parents had a baby And you're sad you've been replaced Act like you mean it Don't make a sound Keep it a secret People in the place Gotta listen up, right We gonna get loose In our pants tonight Strategy Wanking Oh-oh-oh Got to cure your frustration Oh-oh-oh Strategy Wanking Oh-oh-oh It's only meditation You could've scored The winning goal But you missed the shot You've seen the monkeys Procreating Boy it's got you hot You owe the mob some money But you'll never find the cash You found out you got herpes When you thought it was a rash Urge the temptation Don't feel ashamed Feel the inflation People in the place Put your hands down there And shake it all around Like you just don't care Strategy Wanking Oh-oh-oh Undercover masturbation Oh-oh-oh Strategy Wanking Oh-oh-oh When the pussy's on vacation It's not dumb It's fun It only takes one Strategy Wanking Oh-oh-oh Strategy Wanking Oh-oh-oh You hit the floor With your new song It's immature Your career's bombed Tragedy Wanking Got to pick up the pieces They call it Tragedy Wanking When you've just been defeated Strategy Wanking Oh-oh-oh You won't feel neglected Oh-oh-oh Strategy Wanking Oh-oh-oh You'll never be rejected It's not dumb It's fun It only takes one Strategy Wanking Oh-oh-oh Strategy Wanking Oh-oh-oh.
(BLEEP) loser! Oh, yeah, shouting at me in my own house.
It's not my house, I live next door.
I will see you (BLEEP).
You, I know where you are.
Sloman.
Shut up! All right.
What the? What the fuck are you doing? Hello, boys.
Nice to have you here and for you to wake up, eh? What are you playing at? I was here for the party.
What are these? What party? Just some cameras.
We didn't have a party.
Yeah, we had a crazy party.
I downed that beer.
Remember? There was no party.
And next up, Lez Be Friends.
What? I'm at a party I'm a girl machine I'm gonna have sex with them all, If you know what I mean It's like a sweet sixteen But the girls are eighteen And I can't wait to peel 'em Like a tangerine I'm gonna g-go down on 'em Like a submarine Submarines are fun He-he-he-he-he I walk to a hottie And turn on my charm But before I can start I hear a rape alarm It's going I can't feel my ears I think they're bleeding From the I can't work out Why the girls are screaming I'm the best-looking boy In the world Oh, wait I bet she likes kissing girls If a girl won't come round She must be a lesbian Or turns me down She must be a lesbian If she doesn't fancy me Way-oh She must bat for the other team She's a lesbian Take two It's my rapping debut I'm having trouble trying to find A better girl to pursue I'm like a fire truck What? Full of muscly guys? I meant a pun where I compare The hose to my (BLEEP) size And then I see her And I start feeling sick I say my name is Pogo You want to jump on my stick? I woo her with my words, Ask if I can poker face? She doesn't see the funny side And sprays my face with mace If a girl won't come round She must be a lesbian Or turns me down She must be a lesbian If she don't like me She must be a lesbian I'll let her down lightly She must be a lesbian If a girl won't kiss She's taking the piss Or get down with this I can't believe it If she don't give me the eye Way-oh She must drive on the other side She's a lesbian It's your birthday You go, girl What's your name? I like your shoes We are two boys And we're looking for two girls They are two girls Let's talk to the girls How are you? What's your name? I try to talk but I just came In my pants I am sad Chatting up girls is really rad.
Les-lesbians That girl She must be a lesbian She's a lesbian Les-lesbians That girl She must be a lesbian She's a lesbian.
So, let me get this straight.
You broke into our flat whilst we were sleeping, you've set up cameras and you've started to make your own TV show? Not that bad.
I didn't break in, I sort of snuck in.
And I didn't touch any of you when you were asleep.
It's still a bit weird though, isn't it? It's really weird.
Why don't we watch funny video clips on the internet? I know some hilarious ones.
No, I don't I don't know.
I think you'd better go home.
Just for a bit.
Please.
Please.
No.
Please.
One minute.
One minute.
Twenty.
Twenty minutes.
Four.
Eleven minutes.
Four and a half.
Nine minutes.
All right, five.
Five.
Just five.
Five minutes.
All right, five minutes, cool.
I know a great clip about a monkey pissing into its own mouth.
Check it out.
Now that we rolling in dough Let's get a yacht with a bed But we don't have enough Let's buy a dinghy instead We wanna drink Cristal But settled with soda We couldn't buy a Porsche Let's pimp out a Skoda.
Yeah! Medium pimpin' Living the dream Instead of caviar, bitch Got vanilla ice cream No care in the world Just got numerous pounds We only travel first class On the underground Medium pimpin' Car with wheels Moderately pimpin' Fancy meals Averagely pimpin' Sex appeal Medium pimpin' Pimpin' pimpin' Train to Soho Pick up some ho-hoes Can only get a chat Not enough for a blow-blow Ha! Medium bitches Hard to afford I shop so much at ASDA I'm sponsored by George We wanted some dancers But children were cheaper Got so much fucking money I could buy your sister Buy your mama Buy your papa Dress 'em up as animals And take a picture Medium pimpin' Chandelier Standardly pimpin' Unlimited beer Mediocre pimpin' New career Medium pimpin' Pimpin' pimpin' N-N-N-Now I am a rich man Na-na, na-na, na-na Na-na-na-na-naaa Medium pimpin' Medium pimpin' Medium gangster Medium height Ba-na-na-na Optician told me I got medium sight Ba-na-na-na Average pits With an average smell Ba-na-na-na And downstairs Pretty average as well Ba-na-na-na Medium dance With a minimal beat Ba-na-na-na Minimum clothes On medium seats Ba-na-na-na Medium shoulders, minimal hands Spread your legs, Lois Lane I'm super-medium-man Medium pimpin' Bronze shoes Moderately pimpin' Bronze cane Averagely pimpin' Bronze gloves Medium pimpin' Bronze brain Wow Now I am a rich man Na-na, na-na, na-na Na-na-na-na-naaa Medium pimpin' Bigger than small Medium pimpin' Smaller than big Ba-na-na-na Medium pimpin' baby Ba-na-na-na That's right spending cheese Ba-na-na-na Cheese? Yeah, that means money Ba-na-na-na Oh.