The Midnight Gospel (2020) s01e06 Episode Script

1
[airplane engine buzzing]
[man wailing]
[Clancy] Go, you can do it! Come on!
Clom, have you been smoking again?
Let's go! Go! Go!
Come on, Ousley! You're at the front.
Go! Go!
Rondo, what are you doing?
It's the other direction!
How many times do I have to tell you?
Believe in yourself. Let's move!
What are you doing? You're sitting there!
[phone ringing, vibrating]
[beeps]
-Hello.
-Clancy, it's Sarah.
Welcome to the official voicemail
of Clancy Gilroy.
-[Sarah groans]
-Unfortunately, I'm too busy
working on my very successful,
very popular spacecast.
But leave a message
and either me or my assistant, Charlotte,
will get back to you.
-Beep.
-[Sarah sighs]
[Sarah] The fake voicemail thing
doesn't work anymore.
But that's okay. You don't have to answer.
-I just want you to know I love you.
-[pulse beating]
And if this is about the money,
you don't need to pay me back.
I know you moved to the Ribbon
to get a new start,
but, Clancy, no matter where you go,
things are always gonna be the same
if you don't change.
To quote Mahatma Gandhi,
there is a place in a man's heart,
and wherever there's a rainbow,
you can be sure that God's footprints--
Voicemail full. Message not received.
[beeps]
[groans]
[engine revs]
[Clancy grunting]
-God.
-[computer] Good morning, Clancy.
Which universe will you choose today?
Give me a planet. Pull up a planet.
I need to do an interview.
-What about this one?
-[beeping]
[computer] Due to operator error,
there are no longer
living things on this planet.
[groans] What about this one? Or this one?
Or this one? Or this one? Or this one?
What's going on?
Master, when there is a big red X
on the planet,
-it means that, due to operator error--
-Wait!
-[beeps]
-This planet doesn't have an X.
Send me in here.
You chose 2-Way Mirror Bubble Planet.
Unfortunately, due to operator error,
all sentient bubbles on this planet
have popped.
From loneliness.
[gasps]
Wait! There appears to be one left.
Open view portal. Let's see who it is.
-Opening view portal.
-Thanks.
[mournful ballad playing]
Mirror man ♪
Who's reflecting who? ♪
Can't tell who's more alone ♪
Is it me or you? ♪
-[sniffles]
-I'm sorry to say ♪
But this is goodbye ♪
I hope the next thing you reflect ♪
Doesn't always make you cry ♪
Mirror man ♪
No, wait! Wait! Wait, wait!
Send me in. I can cheer him up.
Target Bubble Man.
No!
What the fuck, Simulator?
You need to fix your operator errors
so that I can do my--
[computer] FAQ. Please read the FAQ.
Just open any of the 40 messages
I've sent to you-- you-- you--
Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine!
-[beeping]
-F-A
Fuck. Q.
[beeping]
[Clancy humming]
Ooh, that looks good.
I was in a flooded basement
snorting cocaine with strangers
when a neighbor brought us
that Pie Messiah.
I ate one slice and it dawned on me
that the solution to my problems
was to bring a Pie Messiah
to my neighbors,
see, and ever since then
-[kids laughing]
-I've been free
of all my emotional pain.
Pie Messiah ♪
Taste, you will see ♪
[vocalizing]
[whirring]
[beeping]
Yes!
Pie Messiah ♪
Join the family ♪
Ooh!
-Pie Messiah ♪
-[grunting]
Taste, you will see ♪
-[oven dings]
-[computer] The pie is ready, Master.
[winding down]
More like "Pie Mess."
[computer laughing]
Very funny, Master.
[stuttering] Very funny.
Isn't it odd
that you can never see your own eyes?
Yep.
[Clancy whistles] Come on, Charlotte.
Let's meet the neighbors.
[distorted voice singing indistinctly]
[dog barking]
[animals moaning]
-[distorted mooing]
-[Clancy] Hmm.
[bell rings]
[man moaning]
[male voice]
Artifact detected in Elyfim 4.
Well, then, let's take what's ours
to glorify the Progenitor.
[snoring]
-Sleeping
-[boy screams]
in the artifact cart again,
are we, maggot pig?
No no, no, Father. [yawns]
I was simply meditating on your glories.
Simpering lies of a coward maggot.
Almost as bad as my krexing daughter.
Sorry, Father.
Oh, sorry to trouble you, my sweet child.
Wouldn't want to disrupt an artiste!
But there's actual work
that needs attending.
-Come on now.
-[yells] Dad!
It's time to harvest!
Simulator, take us
to the Elyfim 4 artifact. Make it quick.
I'll be in the control room.
[male voice] Certainly, Master.
[tuba playing]
[coughing]
[male voice] No breaks!
[playing tuba quickly]
[male voice]
They're close, my sweet master.
Okay. Let's take a look.
[whirring]
I see nothing but ash.
[male voice] Behold. A treasure
appears to lay beneath the ash.
[laughing]
By the Progenitor's beard,
a golden horn of hidden innocence!
[laughs]
What is that fetching at market
these days, boy?
[male voice] Over five million, Master.
Wait, Father.
Maybe we can put her in the zoo.
[man] And waste such treasure?
-Yeah, shut up, tart baker!
-I'm not a tart baker.
[laughing] This horn will cover the cost
of three new simulators.
[voices chattering indistinctly]
[grunts]
[whinnying]
[laughing]
I brought you a Pie Messiah.
What? What is this?
[male voice] Intruder.
[whistle blaring]
Who dares trespass upon my dirty land?
Sorry, I left it in the oven too long.
Actually, It's not even supposed
to be ovenable. Not sure if that's a word.
You microwave it.
I don't have a microwave yet.
But I just wanted to stop by.
We haven't met.
I'm your neighbor, Clancy.
Wanted to say hi,
and I brought you a Pie Messiah.
[buzzing]
Your interruption cost me 50 million,
outsider!
Father! Father! Father
[moans]
The horn. Did you get the horn?
No, Father, and the zygerd got away--
She lies, Father. She let the zygerd go
and now the horn is lost.
Daddy!
Stephreyus Gene Hitch! Ah!
I can't believe
that you've done this again.
[male voice]
Master, have you ever seen your own eyes?
Damn it, she's melting down.
Rub some green oil onto her.
Right now, boy!
I said now!
-[boy panting]
-[clattering]
[grunts]
-I'm surrounded by idiots.
-What's that stuff for?
-[laughs] Oh, a joke.
-[kids laughing]
-We must have a comedian in our midst.
-[Clancy laughing]
Thank you, yeah.
Well, I mean, I do have a sense of humor--
You're not funny at all!
Everyone knows
you need to massage lantern-head oil
into the simulator every day, twice a day,
or the worlds within
will not produce artifacts.
And the simulator could apopty--
[stammers]
Could apocalyptize, outsider.
And that means poof!
Poof! Poof!
-Wobble time.
-[Clancy] Okay.
-[boy snoring]
-Uh
Well, it's great to meet you all.
Come by sometime. Just down the way.
Enjoy the pie.
Never come back!
[Clancy] Okay, I won't.
[whirring]
[Clancy] No big deal, not like I spent
-all day making you a Pie Messiah.
-[pulse beating]
You're gonna do that to the person
who lives right down the way?
We share vibes!
You're gonna do that to me?
You're gonna do that to your neighbor?
If someone brings you a pie,
you say thank you.
[computer] Hello, Eye Master. While you
were gone, I baked something for you.
-You did?
-You bet I did.
What? What did you bake?
Behold the Eye Messiah.
[roaring]
Oh, no.
[snarling]
[Clancy clears throat]
[computer] I want to watch you
eat it, Master. Eat it, Master.
Have a slice.
-[triumphant music playing]
-[crowd cheering]
[pie] Eat
me
please.
No!
Oh, man.
[snarling]
[Clancy retching]
[airplane buzzing]
[beeping]
[call ringing]
Simulator Repair, this is Captain Bryce.
Hey, Bryce.
My name's Clancy
and I think my simulator--
-Is pouring out purple smoke?
-Yeah.
What kinda suckspometer you runnin'?
-I don't know.
-Does it have looping ducts?
-I dunno.
-Suckling nodes?
-I don't know.
-Plate dilometers?
-I don't know.
-Accenuating vapors?
-Uh
-Do you even know
what is going on in your simulator?
It's the ducts! I don't know.
Yeah, I guess.
-Let me go check it out.
-[Clancy] Captain Bryce
-[pie roaring]
-[Bryce] Oh, God!
-Why didn't you say there was a--
-[pie screeching]
[Bryce screaming]
[computer] can eat their own eyes.
[Bryce screaming]
-[buzzing]
-[Bryce screaming]
[Clancy] Don't!
-Shit!
-[carnival music plays]
-[slashing]
-[music stops]
Captain Bryce, are you dead?
Whoo! Yeah! [laughing]
Holy cow, son!
You've got a forbidden Velma 960
and she is fixing to wobble.
Wobble?
When was the last time
you rubbed green oil on it?
And where's your lantern head?
Bryce, I'm gonna be honest with you.
I don't understand
most of the words you're saying.
I just moved here from Earth.
I bought this acre real cheap online
and
[sighs] I don't know.
I kind of bit off more than I could chew.
Clancy, Captain Bryce
is gonna take good care of you.
Thanks, Captain Bryce.
And I won't tell anybody about
the highly illegal contraband simlife
that you've been harvesting.
-What?
-I myself have harvested
magically-imbued life from a simulator.
[chuckles]
Now you know my secret
and I know yours.
We are intertwined.
[Clancy] Shit.
Holy moly, it's making more!
[chittering]
[snarling]
[crying]
[Bryce] Come on, my boy,
let's locate your lantern head
and get some green oil on that Velma
before she wobbles us into shards of time!
Wait up, Captain Bryce.
[Bryce] Clancy, my boy, look at this.
[Bryce sighs]
[Bryce] Sparkle.
[Clancy] Sparkle?
The only thing that will stop
your simulator from apocalypticizing
is the green oil
from that beast over there.
Bryce, are we in any danger?
-No. Not if you follow my simple rules
-[Clancy screams]
which I will sing to you right now.
Okay.
-Oh ♪
-[exploding]
Holy moly!
Hustle, you tart baker!
[Clancy screams]
Oh, my name is Captain Bryce ♪
And these are my rules ♪
Don't touch the wobble if it's pink ♪
Or you will age until you stink ♪
-If the wobble's gray like steam ♪
-[twittering]
You'll revert into a cream ♪
If the wobble's red like rust ♪
You'll die and rot and then throw up ♪
If a patch is colored tan ♪
Then your eyes will melt ♪
Don't touch the wobble if it's blue ♪
'Cause your legs will look like that ♪
-If the wobble smells like flowers ♪
-[sniffs]
Run real fast or we'll both die ♪
If it's brown, then it's okay ♪
But don't confuse brown with tan ♪
[screeches]
-When the wobble's neon green ♪
-[squeaking]
Then I'm not sure what will happen ♪
Thus concludes my list of rules ♪
I am Captain Bryce ♪
Wow. You're a really good singer.
[chuckles] Oh, thank you, Clancy.
I'm not a professional, obviously.
It's just a part-time hobby.
It's just something I like to do
for many hours of the day.
Captain Bryce, what about this-- this guy?
He seems fine.
This unlucky looter broke in and found
himself inside a patch of purple wobble.
[laughs]
-That's the kind that locks you in time.
-Shouldn't we get him out of there?
I'm afraid it's too late
for this sorry sap.
His heart's still ticking,
but his mind is pickled.
[swallows]
I'm gonna poke him out of there.
[whispering] It's Brussels sprouts,
not brussel sprouts. Brussels!
Yep, just as I thought.
-[man] Not brussel.
-He's pickled.
Rewinding this mush brain back
is the only humane thing left to do.
What the fuck is "brussel"?
Hey, Bryce. What What is
What does the kind of wobble do
that's pee-pee yellow
-and creeping up behind you?
-[laughing]
There's no such thing, you fool!
Whoops, that's not in my rules!
[screams] Hey!
[Clancy and Bryce screaming]
[chirping]
[gasps]
Clancy!
-What?
-You must go save Sparkle.
Harvest the green oil
and rub it into your simulator.
Destiny calls but once in a lifetime!
Uh
I'll just go steal it from my neighbor.
[Bryce] Okay.
[animals moaning]
[chittering]
[distorted voice] You gonna eat me now?
[whispers] No. Shh!
-[pie] Eat me now.
-[Clancy] Get out of here.
-[pie] Please?
-[Clancy] Scat.
Yeah.
-[grunts]
-[glasses shatter]
I'm sorry.
I was just checking on the Pie Messiah.
I wanted to make sure y'all liked it.
[laughing]
You think I could borrow
some lantern-head oil?
Funny story.
I didn't know my simulator needed any.
And now, I think it's about to--
-[male voice] Intruder.
-Thanks for the pie.
-[Clancy screaming]
-Bye, Clancy.
[grunts] Oof!
-[alarm blaring]
-[glasses shatter]
[grunts] Ah!
[screeching]
[computer] Master, I can see my eyes.
[stuttering] I can see your eyes.
This is our eyes.
The eyes have it.
Good morning, Clancy.
Which universe will you choose today?
[panting]
[Clancy] Fuck!
Hey, you okay, Clancy?
I'm fucking fine, Bryce!
[Bryce] Okay. Bye.
All my work, it's gone.
How was I supposed to know
you needed fucking oil every day?
-[computer] Master, I did tell you.
-No, you didn't. When?
I showed you a week ago.
-[Clancy] That's a week ago.
-I showed you the day before that.
Okay, twice.
-I told you in your hammock.
-Three times. Big fucking deal.
-I showed you five minutes ago.
-Too late!
-Master, it's become clear to me
-I don't need you to fuckin' tell me
that you've been avoiding
dealing with the real world
-by going into my many universes.
-how to live my life!
May I suggest
meeting my friend David?
-How the fuck do you have friends?
-He lives on Buton 78914.
He's a meditation master.
I don't want to meet
your boring-ass friend David.
You could be Octopus Sheriff.
How about this--
[screams]
Bon voyage, Master.
[Clancy] You failed, asshole!
-Have fun.
-Shut up!
[wind gusting]
[David exhales]
Intriguing on so many levels.
Hey, hi, Clancy. I'm David.
Why don't you take a seat?
Mmm. How about you take a seat
on my fucking face, Mr. Meditation Man?
How does that sound
with your big dolphin smile
and your comfortable fucking pants?
How does that sound?
Now you see who you really are?
Filled with fucking rage!
Are you done?
Yeah, I'm done.
Let's take a minute together, okay?
Here are three principles
we could at least check out.
First one, silence.
Giving you room to listen.
Second one, stillness.
Giving you room to feel.
Third one, spaciousness.
Just giving you room.
[Clancy's voice] This sucks.
It's literally the worst experience
of my entire life.
Why the fuck
would anyone do this to themselves?
I wonder if I left the faucet on?
Man, bees are amazing.
My sister's allergic to bees.
That was pretty cool
when her face got all swollen,
her lips looked like clown lips.
I miss her. Sarah's cool.
Too bad I ruined that relationship.
-My face itches.
-[monkey chattering]
Holy shit.
[monkey screeching] Whoa!
[Clancy's voice] Monkey?
[continues screeching]
-[rhythmic music playing]
-[monkey screeching rhythmically]
Monkey?
Oh! Monkey! Ow!
[screaming]
Monkey! [screaming]
-Monkey! Monkey!
-[monkey chattering]
[laughing]
Monkey! You're so cute, little--
[muffled chattering]
Get your mother Hey!
[muffled chattering continues]
Shh.
[lapping]
[chewing]
[wings buzzing]
[plug pops]
[monkey chattering]
[footsteps approaching]
I did it. David, I did it.
That's great. Have a good day.
[stammers] Wait. Do you think
you could help me untangle myself?
Yeah. [grunts]
[grunts]
Here we go.
The moment I just accepted where I was,
instead of wishing I was somewhere else,
everything just got better.
Fantastic.
[grunts]
It's like, for a second,
my thoughts weren't much of anything.
Like I
-How do I say it? It's like I just "was."
-Oops.
Is that normal?
Yes. You see, Duncan--
[whispers] Clancy.
Oh, okay.
[both laughing]
If you're caught up in your story,
it's like living in a tiny apartment
with just enough room for you
and your little mattress.
The moment you get a little space
between yourself and your thoughts,
it's like moving into a much bigger house.
[grunts]
Then there's room to invite people in.
There's space for you.
And there's space for them.
That's spaciousness.
Cool.
Like, you're talking about
the thing where--
-I've thought about this a little bit--
-[buzzing]
you could be living in a massive house,
but you're still a hoarder.
Even though the space is empty,
your mind is still filled up
with all of this stuff
that's making you miserable all the time.
Basically,
we're talking about psychological space.
Your mind is overcrowded.
That's it, yeah.
So then you go,
"What if I just emptied my mind?"
-Right.
-Just empty your mind.
Well, go ahead and try.
Can it even be done?
Yes. You could learn how to do that.
But it isn't the goal.
And a lot of people teach meditation
as if the goal is to treat your mind like
an unruly teenager and make it shut up.
-Right. It's aggressive.
-It's very aggressive.
So, just to be clear, you're sort of
You're saying don't
It's not like you're supposed to shove
some kind of butt plug
in the asshole of your mind. 
[David laughing]
[both laughing]
Shoving a butt plug
in the asshole of your mind!
But corking up that part
That idea of corking
It's not the idea.
It seems more like it's accepting
there's this infinite swarm of thoughts
and that by understanding
that you're not necessarily as connected
to them as you thought, it allows--
-Which is what this is talking about.
-Right.
Yeah. You don't have to kind of grasp
and dwell on that
as the only solution
for continuing to be alive.
-Wow.
-There's another option,
which is to use the sense-percept
to arrive back at the present.
I get it.
I'm enlightened now.
-I thank you, my enlightened brother.
-Okay.
Now I will return to my world
and transform it forever.
-I just have one question for you.
-Sure.
On the way out the door.
How can you tell that you're feeling
that you are enlightened
and that you're gonna go save
all the other beings?
Mm-hmm.
[inhales, exhales]
Um
Okay, cut to commercial.
[laughing]
I'm gonna walk out of the studio
right now.
Before you go, here.
Take this with you.
[chuckles]
That's a good one, David. I get it.
You gave me nothing.
Take a closer look, Clancy.
[Clancy] Whoa.
Whoa.
-Thank you.
-Think nothing of it.
[horn blaring]
I'm back!
[computer] Greetings, Master.
Did you have fun talking to David?
-[laughs] I did.
-Cool.
Did you see the monkey with the cape?
Yeah!
-Thanks, Computer.
-You're welcome, Master.
Hey, call me
Clancy, "the Enlightened One."
[computer] Oh, damn.
[Clancy] Boop. Boop.
[Clancy humming]
[sighs]
[Bryce] Hey, Clancy?
Oh, I'm sorry, Captain Bryce.
I completely forgot
you were still over there.
Sometimes, the mind flies
get the best of us. It happens.
I'm sorry you're trapped in there, man.
Oh, no worries. I'm fine.
I finally have time
to really think about things, you know?
Gives me a whole new perspective.
That's great.
-Hey, Clancy, could you do me a favor?
-Yeah, sure.
If it's not too much trouble,
could I bother you
for a little something to eat?
Oh, yeah, sure thing.
Ah, num, num.
[squealing]
Ah, yes, you'll get two chariots when
you ascend to the spirit plane, for sure.
Thank you, good man.
You're welcome.
[distorted voices] I am the prisoner
And these are my rules ♪
Don't touch the wobble if it's pink
Or you will age until you stink ♪
If the wobble's gray like steam
You'll revert into a cream ♪
If the wobble's red like rust
You'll die and rot and then throw up ♪
If a patch is colored tan
Then your eyes will melt ♪
Don't touch the wobble if it's blue
'Cause your legs will look like that ♪
If the wobble smells like flowers
Run real fast or we'll both die ♪
If the wobble's neon green
Then I'm not sure what will happen ♪
This concludes my list of rules ♪
Chirp.