The New Adventures of Old Christine s01e06 Episode Script

"And every day, Ruby Bridges packed up her books and set off for school.
She walked past the angry white crowd with a smile on her face.
She just kept on walking because all Ruby wanted to do was learn.
" And that's the story of Ruby Bridges the first African-American girl to integrate our public schools.
That was wonderful, such an inspiration.
Such a brave young woman.
Oh, thank you, Mrs.
Belt.
Although I wouldn't call myself brave.
I'm just here reading to the kids.
I meant Ruby Bridges.
Oh, right, yes, yes, of course.
Yes, well, she was brave, yeah.
They wrote a book about her.
Thank you, Mrs.
Campbell, for being our parent reader.
Does anyone have any questions, or comments for Mrs.
Campbell about our story Ruby Bridges? - Yes, Ashley? - I used to have a dog named Ruby.
But we couldn't keep her because we got a white sofa.
Well, I'm sure Ruby's really happy living on a farm somewhere with people who love her.
No, she got put to sleep.
Yeah, Kelsey.
My mom says that my cat, Jingles, is at a farm.
But my brother says that she got put to sleep too.
Mom, when you said our turtle went to live on a farm did you mean put to sleep? No, no, no, Ritchie, no.
Ernie lives on a turtle farm with our goldfish.
And Great-Grandma.
- Maybe wrap it up, Mrs.
Campbell.
- Yes, yes, Mrs.
Belt, yeah.
I just wanna thank all of you and Mrs.
Belt for letting me come today to read this important book.
Because, you know, if it wasn't for the courage of Ruby Bridges we wouldn't have the diversity that we have in our school today.
Man, you kids are white.
Hey, Christine.
Heh.
Looks like the village is missing one of its people.
You know, I've been a contractor for 15 years and you've never not said that joke when I come in dressed like this.
That's how funny it is.
What are you doing here? Working around the block, thought I'd say hi to Ritchie.
Where is he? He's at football practice.
Barb is picking him up for me.
Football? Thought he was playing basketball.
No, he doesn't know the difference.
He just likes those orange slices.
What are you doing? I'm looking for a black kid in the school brochure.
Wow, that's a really offensive Where's Waldo? No, it's not a joke, Richard.
You know, there is not one kid of color in Ritchie's grade.
I think his school is racist.
Here we go.
"Here we go"? What is that supposed to mean? It means, here we go, your racist conspiracy theories.
- I don't have racist conspiracy theories.
- Really? Let's recall some of the things you believe are racist: The news, the people who name the hurricanes the Winter Olympics.
- Maybe you're the racist.
- Wha? I'm not a racist.
I drive a Prius, for God's sakes.
I'm not sure you understand what the word racist means.
I know what it means.
And I know that his school has a problem.
The closest thing they have to diversity is that Indian kid.
And they only bring him in once a year to win the spelling bee.
- We've gotta do something about this.
- You? You're gonna do something? Yeah.
I do stuff.
I do all sorts of civil-rights stuff.
Just because you say you'd marry Chris Rock doesn't make you a civil-rights activist.
God, I'd marry Chris Rock in a second.
Ever since Ritchie started that school, all you've done is complain.
Not enough economic diversity not enough ethnic diversity, not enough parking.
Hey, I believe in that stuff, okay? Very strongly.
- You didn't even vote.
- Because I couldn't find parking.
But I did something more important.
I wore one of those stickers that said I voted which shamed other people into going to the polls which generated more votes than if I'd actually voted myself.
And that, my friend, is democracy.
That, my friend, is lazy.
- Hello.
- Oh, hey! There they are.
- Thanks for picking him up.
- No problem.
Hey, where's the cop and the Indian chief? - Why do you laugh at her? - She's funny.
So how was practice, buddy? - He was great.
He scored two touchdowns.
- Yeah.
- Any for his team? - Not this week.
The coach let me pass out the orange slices.
I smell scholarship.
- Hey, sweetie, why don't you go wash up? - Okay.
But before you go, I wanna talk to you about what happened at school today.
I didn't know it was the girls' bathroom.
It was a dare.
- What? - Nothing.
No, no, sweetie, I'm talking about the book that I read.
- Oh.
- Um you know how important it is to Mommy that you're exposed to all different people of races, colors and creeds, right? Mm-hm.
What are creeds? Um Accents.
But, uh, the point is, that it's important to Mommy that you're in a racially diverse environment.
Yeah, so important that you sent him to the Whitebread School.
The Westbridge School, Barb.
And I had a good reason.
- What was the reason? - Because.
Oh, that's right.
"Because.
" - Because why, Christine? - Yeah.
Why, Mom? Because Uh, because Because "Westbridge offers a unique educational experience located on 16 park-like acres overlooking the Pacific Ocean.
" More important than going to school with black kids? No, they're separate issues.
But they're equally important.
So separate but equal? Yes.
No, I don't know.
We'll talk about this later.
Go put your uniform back in your costume trunk.
Okay.
Well, I think we've all really learned something today.
- Look, Whitebread is a great school.
- Westbridge.
Westbridge.
I mean, they've got an award-winning science program they've got a 12-to-1 student-teacher ratio and, like, a thousand percent of their graduates go on to Ivy League colleges.
I mean, obviously, I don't want Ritchie growing up in an elitist bubble but, you know, it's a great school.
So then you made your choice.
No.
I'm gonna do something about this.
Chris Rock is already married.
Well, then, I'm gonna do something else.
So why are you so dressed up? - Well, remember our conversation yesterday? - Mm-hm.
I'm gonna go and I'm gonna talk to the head of the school and see about getting a little diversity in here.
There's black people.
Yes, sweetie, there's black people and there's brown people.
There are all sorts of people.
They should be represented at this school.
No, no, no, there's black people over there.
Oh, super.
Oh.
Honey, bye.
Have a good day at school, and stay out of the girls' bathroom.
- It was a dare.
- Just stay out, Ritchie.
Um, hi.
Can I help you find something? Oh, we're supposed to be here for a tour.
Our daughter's applying for third grade.
Oh, you're here on a tour? Ooh, that's fantastic! Well, welcome to Westbridge, located on 16 park-like acres overlooking the Pacific Ocean and Japan.
Heh.
Oh, I don't think that's Japan.
Huh.
Are you sure? You didn't go here, did you? Me? Oh, no, no.
God, it is amazing that you're here because I was just talking about you.
Us? Well, not you, specifically.
But you, generally.
You know, us.
You know, people like us.
People like us, how? You know, uh, third graders.
You know? L I'm Christine Campbell.
Hi.
My son Ritchie's in the third grade here too.
Oh, well, we're the Lawrences.
I'm Anita, this is my husband, Nate.
- And this is our daughter, Sarah.
- Oh, hi.
Gosh, it's so nice to meet you.
Do you have a sponsor to help you get in? Sometimes it helps to have a Westbridge family put in a good word for you.
- Uh, we don't know anyone.
- Oh, I'd love to sponsor you.
Really? Why? I'll tell you why.
Because.
Ah, look who's here during work hours.
Hello, Christine.
Hi.
Um, actually, I was looking for Mr.
Parker.
I have a prospective family that I wanted to talk to him about.
Mr.
Parker's on leave till the end of the month.
- He's at an educational conference.
- Yeah.
You can talk to us.
We're the volunteers on the admissions board.
We give Mr.
Parker our recommendations.
In fact, Mr.
Parker's going to the same educational conference that Marly went to.
- What's happening with you? - I don't know.
Well, I guess I'll talk to you, then.
Um I don't know if you've noticed, but there's a lot of blondness to the people at this school.
Yeah, and not all of it's natural.
Ha, ha.
- Seriously, what's happening? - I'm sorry, I really don't know.
Um, anyway, I think that by having such a homogenous student body we're robbing our kids of the benefits of living in a diverse society.
I mean, this is Los Angeles after all.
We could do a better job of representing what's on the outside of this school with what's on the inside.
And so, when picking new families for Westbridge I think we should consider a wider variety of factors.
And with that in mind, I'd like to sponsor the Lawrence family.
Okay, well, what can you tell us about the Lawrence family? They're black.
Ugh, this homework is so frustrating.
I need to clear my mind with a video game.
I'm sure it's not that hard.
I'll help.
- Okay, this one.
- Let's see.
"If Bill is taller than Ted and Ted is smaller than Mary which of the following is definitely true?" Well, obviously, Bill is taller than Mary.
What? - Can I go play a video game? - Yeah, yeah.
Go.
Bill Ted, Mary.
Come on.
Problem.
Solution.
I said I'd take action and I did.
Today, I sponsored an African-American family at Ritchie's school.
- Way to go, Rosa.
- Ha.
God, it feels so good to do something for a change.
- I'm really proud of you, Christine.
- Yeah, me too.
And my black family was so appreciative they invited me over for dinner.
- Your black family? - Yeah, I can say that.
I sponsored them.
They'd love to meet you if you wanna come.
I can't.
I told Ritchie I'd stay and hang out with him tonight.
That's okay.
I'll ask Matthew.
Racist.
Okay, I really insist you learn the meaning of that word.
I know.
Why don't you ask your black family what it means? So Matthew, what do you do? - I'm a stay-at-home bachelor.
- What? No, he's not.
He's my nanny while he figures out what he wants to do with his life.
Took me six years to figure out I wanted to be a stay-at-home bachelor.
I am done.
So the admissions board called and said you made quite an impassioned plea for us.
Yes, looks like we're gonna get in and we wanted to thank you.
Oh, you don't have to thank me.
I'm not a hero.
I'm just a regular person who happens to do heroic things.
What? I am.
Shut up.
No, she's a model citizen.
She would have even voted last year if it hadn't been mildly inconvenient.
No, no, no, he's kidding.
I'm actually very politically active.
She did make over 200 phone calls on the American Idol final last year.
That's true.
- Uh, excuse me, which way's your restroom? - Uh, down the hall to the left.
Ahem.
You know, I've gotta tell you, I loved what I saw at Westbridge today.
We're excited.
I think we're gonna be happy there.
Oh, yeah, I think you will be too.
It's a first-rate education.
I mean, the science lab alone is worth the tuition.
- Well, what are the families like? - They're great families.
Very involved.
But would you describe them as having good values? Good values? Oh, definitely.
Great values.
I mean, just like us.
Good.
Because our last school had way too many fags.
Amen.
- I'll clear the dishes.
- Let me help.
Excuse me.
I looked through their medicine cabinets.
Nothing interesting.
- Big flossers, though.
- Come on.
We're getting out of here.
- What's going on? - Nate just said the F word.
You say that word all the time.
You said it three times in the car on the way here.
No, the other F word.
The gay one.
Fancy? Frilly? Flight attendant? What? I'm not gonna say it.
It's too offensive.
Here.
I'll write it down.
- No way.
- Yes, I am serious.
They left their last school because there are too many of these.
- What school, Oakcrest? - I don't know.
Probably.
Anyway Doesn't matter.
We're getting out of here.
No, you must've misheard him.
Maybe he said there were too many flags.
What? What're you talking about? How can there be too many flags? Ever try to have a conversation in front of the U.
N.
On a windy day? You can't hear yourself think.
There's They're nice people.
There's no way he'd say that.
Come.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
I mean, educated people don't blurt these things out at the dinner table.
- You must've misheard him.
- Yeah, I must've misheard him.
Okay, here we go.
My semi-famous meatless lasagna.
Probably should've warned you, we're vegetarians.
- We don't eat anything with a face.
- Well, I'm almost there.
I don't eat anything with a mustache.
So, Nate, what is it that you do? - I work for a defense contractor.
- Oh.
I was in the military, but things got so off-track, I took an early retirement.
Yeah, I don't blame you.
It all went to hell once they started letting in the fags.
Amen.
Well, because I'm concerned.
My son uses your company's textbook in his class and it's important that it's correct.
Yeah, I How the hell can Mary be taller than Bill? Is she standing on Ted's shoulders? Me? Two years of community college, why's that matter? Hello? Hello? - Hey, how'd it go? - Horrible.
Nate Lawrence used the F word twice.
So? You use that word twice before breakfast.
You should've heard her in the car.
The ride home was sponsored by the letter F.
- So you're upset because the guy cursed? - No, it wasn't just a curse, Richard.
It was the other F word.
The gay one.
Fabulous? Flamboyant? France? Wow, that one.
They left their last school because there were too many of these.
- Oakcrest? - We think so.
They have a great theater program.
I know.
Saw their production of Pippin last year.
It was to die for.
- Oh, I heard it was great.
- Guys, guys, can we just focus? The whole reason that I sponsored the Lawrences was so that Ritchie could be in a more tolerant environment.
They're homophobes.
I don't want him around that.
You're gonna try to kick out the only black family in Ritchie's class? I just wish the Lawrences were more like us.
Ah, so you wanna be able to handpick your tokens.
Don't put it like that.
That's completely offensive.
You know what? I'm gonna call Barb and see if she knows any good black people.
You want me to what? I just need you to help me find some good black people for Ritchie's school.
Why? What are they gonna do with them? Nothing, just to have their kids go to school there.
I sponsored this one family, but then they turned out to be homophobic.
I want different ones.
Well, did you keep the receipt? Christine, that's racist.
What? That's not racist.
How can I be racist? I drive a Prius.
Oh, yes, that's right.
I forgot how much racists hate good gas mileage.
You know what I mean.
I want Ritchie exposed to good values.
It would be so perfect if you and Pete had kids.
Damn Pete and his low sperm motility.
Yeah, Pete and I are always talking about how hard that must be on you.
- "Poor Christine.
" - Shut up.
Listen to me.
I just wanna do the right thing for my kid.
You did.
You introduced some color into that lily-white school.
That's progress.
You can deal with the gay thing on your next crusade.
That's true.
I do love gay causes.
I used to drive a Miata, for God's sakes.
It's hard this year.
There's so many qualified applicants.
I know, but it's important, so we have to focus.
Okay.
Okay.
- Where'd you get those shoes? - I've had them.
- The sweater? - It's new.
- Wanna go shopping? - God, yes.
Oh, hi, ladies.
Hi.
Sorry to bother you.
I wanted to talk to you about a prospective family.
It's okay, Christine, the Lawrences got in.
You don't have to burn your bra.
Uh, no, it's not the Lawrences, although I'm glad they got in.
I think the kids are really gonna benefit.
Um, ahem, actually, I have another couple that I wanted to introduce you to.
It's a Guys? Come, come.
Um, this is Frank and Allan.
They're transferring out of Oakcrest.
Yeah.
It's a great school, but too many Jews.
Oh, damn it.
I'll tell you what, it's exhausting being a do-gooder.
What good did you do, exactly? What good did I do? I single-handedly introduced hate to this school.
See? This is why I don't vote.
Oh, come on, don't be so hard on yourself.
I mean, this is a beautiful school.
If I had a kid, I would send him here.
Yeah, I know.
But I mean, we didn't go to a big fancy school, we did okay, right? Yeah.
- But what a view.
It's so clear today.
- Yeah.
Hey, is that Japan? No, that's not Japan, it's too far.
- Hawaii? - Yeah, probably.
Yeah.