The Odd Couple (2015) s01e06 Episode Script

Oh, wonder who's gonna get it.
The overworked assistant who's building your new chair, or the pretty princess boss who won't get off his lazy ass.
Hey, guys.
He can't hear you.
There's something going on with his hearing.
Isn't that right, Lazy Ass? Ooh, fun.
Let me try.
I haven't listened to your show in three weeks.
Hey, Teddy.
Did you listen to my show today? Yeah, yeah, of course.
Yeah, wh-when you said that thing to that guy? That-that was classic.
- I know.
Right? - Yeah.
Come on.
Let's, uh - Let's go over your schedule for next week.
- Great.
I'd love to.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa Oscar, are you okay? No, I just got a little dizzy.
What's going on? First your hearing, and now this.
It think it's just a cold.
Whatever you do, don't tell Felix I'm sick.
Oscar, you're sick? Wow, he just appears out of nowhere.
Amazing.
Yeah, it's not so nice when you're in the shower.
Oscar, when was the last time you saw a doctor? Well, let's see.
It's Thursday, right? So, uh, 1998.
Look, Oscar, you have to take your health seriously.
- What are your symptoms? - I'm not playing this game.
He's having trouble with his hearing, and just now, - he got dizzy.
- Hmm.
Let's see.
Could be an ear infection or a tear in the tympanic membrane, or Meniere's disease.
That's just off the top of my head.
Ooh, top of my head could be a brain tumor.
Would you please stop? - Felix, how do you know these things? - Oh, it's my hobby.
Some people crochet, I read medical journals.
I also crochet.
Any other symptoms I should know about? Yes.
I've got a huge pain in my ass.
Chortle, chortle, chortle.
Yes laughter is the best medicine, they say.
Unless, of course, you have a brain tumor! Would you stop? There's nothing wrong with me.
Oscar, I need you healthy.
You're 20% of my income.
And a dear, dear friend.
You can see my doctor Sharon McManus.
She's the best in New York.
I am not going to a doctor.
There's nothing wrong.
I'll just take some vitamins.
Dani, get me two Wilmas.
What's wrong, Oscar? Are you afraid of doctors? Or are you afraid of what they'll find? They're not gonna find anything.
They're just gonna nag me about my diet and lack of exercise, and I already have you for that.
Oscar, we care about you.
I'm going to text Dr.
McManus and tell her that you will take my standing 2:30 Friday appointment.
Thanks to you, I have to take care of myself.
You are getting on my last nerve.
It's like working for a grumpy five-year-old.
This is my good ear.
I know.
Felix! Hello, everyone.
Frank, love the haircut.
Annie, I tried that three-bean chili recipe of yours.
Muy caliente.
What? What did I do? You're sitting in my chair.
Oh, sorry.
I didn't see the plaque.
Not your fault.
It's back here.
What are you even doing here? Well, if Dr.
McManus sees that we're friends, she'll give you the best possible treatment.
Now then, I took the liberty of starting your intake paperwork.
But I was not comfortable filling out all of the sexual history.
But you weren't afraid to sketch the mole on my back.
Not a sketch.
More of a rubbing.
You are a deep sleeper.
Not anymore.
Oscar Madison.
Ah.
Marilyn, take good care of him.
Give him room C.
It's got a little bit of sports history.
One of the Globetrotters died in there.
How is it? Everything okay? - Oh, fine.
- I knew it.
My dumb roommate thinks I'm dying of a brain tumor, because I smoke cigars and don't exercise.
I'm sorry.
I'm a little winded.
That was a really long sentence.
It's okay, sir.
I'm sure there's nothing to be nervous about.
I'm not nervous.
You're the one who's nervous.
Nervous Mervous.
That's not a name.
Oh, my God, I'm having a stroke.
I'm going to be the second most-famous person who died in here.
Look who I found.
Dr.
Sharon McManus, this is my good friend Oscar.
- Hello.
- Good to meet you.
What brings you in today? Oscar Madison, 43, white male.
Patient complains of vertigo, - auditory problems in the right ear.
- Marilyn, has Felix seen the new blood pressure machine yet? - Hmm? - The T-200 is here? How did I not know about that? Marilyn, am I off the group e-mails? - Have a seat.
- Okay.
So, when did you start feeling dizzy? It started Tuesday during the Knicks game.
Oh, I saw that game.
Made me sick, too.
I know.
Carmelo's killing us, right? Seriously.
Okay, let's take a look okay? Oh, there we go.
I think I see the problem.
We're calling it a problem now? Okay, hold still.
You'll feel a little pressure.
Arr, arr.
Arr, arr, arr, arr, arr.
- Better? - Oh, so much better! - All right.
- I'm not dizzy.
And the sounds are so crisp, and the colors No, the colors are pretty much the same.
Oh, it's just a little blockage; nothing to worry about.
Blood pressure's down seven points.
Thanks, Norwegian fish oil! Can you plug up my ear again? You know, I shouldn't complain, because his visits paid for my bathroom remodel, but, yes, Felix can be a bit of a hypochondriac.
I believe the technical term is "whack job.
" Must be tough being his roommate.
Yeah, some days, but then, other days, like this, he introduces me to a beautiful, sophisticated lady doctor.
Just doctor.
The "lady" is silent.
Sorry.
I'm a little off my game.
Can I try this again with my pants on? - Okay, Annie, you're a Pisces, right? - Mm-hmm.
"The month ahead brings exciting opportunities.
Don't be afraid to try new things.
" Like dinner for two on your birthday next Tuesday night! Felix, you remembered! Come on, you can tell me.
Who died? Meadowlark? Curly? The guy who used to dunk with his feet? Oscar.
There you are.
Everything all right? Great.
She's an angel of mercy.
I'll see you Tuesday at 7:00.
Looking forward to it.
7:00 p.
m.
? I'm confused.
Have the office hours changed? I'm taking her to a Knicks game.
You mean like a date? Oscar, you cannot date my doctor! Why not? Because it will end disastrously.
It always does with you.
In my defense, I do a lot of volume.
She'll be furious, she'll blame me, and I will lose the best doctor in New York.
So, go to another doctor! No, I can't.
Dr.
McManus is the last top-tier doctor that will see me.
Apparently, I'm on some sort of list.
Oh, Dani, you're still here.
It's taken me three days to put this damn chair together, but I think I got it.
- Looks a little bit low.
- It's adjustable.
Oh! Well, at least he won't fall off.
You know what? He deserves it.
- You're still mad that he's dating your doctor? - Yes.
They're on date three, so it's only a matter of time before they break up, she'll be furious with me, - and just when I need her at the top of her game.
- Why is that? Oh, I think I'm coming down with something.
I was scrubbing the kitchen sink all afternoon, and now my fingers are numb.
Were you using that illegal Chinese cleaning powder again? It's not illegal in China.
And it didn't kill those children who made it.
Still no feeling.
I'm starting to get concerned.
Well, I'm off the clock.
I'll be interested again on Monday.
- Dani, this is Sharon.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I see you finished the chair.
- Took you long enough.
- Yeah, you should try it out.
It's adjustable.
Just push that lever.
So, what are you two up to? Oh, Sharon's taking me to a nice place for dinner, so I figured I'd get my fancy jacket.
Ooh.
The one without the mustard stain.
Bingo.
So, Felix, how are you? I'm fine.
Actually, that was a pleasantry.
I may not be fine at all.
How much do you know about a cleaning product called "Happy Rainbow Best Cleantime Dirt Remover".
- Felix, I'm on a date.
- Uh-huh.
- Can this please wait until Friday? - You tell me.
I've got a numbness in my finger, and then, I've been hearing this annoying sound all day, - like a high-pitched whining.
- Yeah.
Funny, we hear it, too.
Sharon, why don't you come outside and see the view from the terrace? - I would love to.
- Okay.
Wow.
It's so beautiful.
I was just thinking the same thing.
You know, I still can't believe you're going out with me.
I mean, you could have your pick of any guy, and I'm a little bit older, and you're probably a lot smarter, and feel free to stop me at any point.
Well, maybe this will make you feel more secure.
Sorry to interrupt, but the numbness has traveled to my knuckle, and at this rate, it will reach my heart in 36 hours, so Ironically, you figured that out, when you're actually gonna die by being thrown off a terrace.
I know you don't care that I'm sick, but Dr.
McManus swore an oath, and I'm sure - she won't mind a quick exam.
- Okay, Felix, I think you're overreacting, and I don't have my instruments, so - I've got my own.
- Of course you do.
Be right back.
Come on, let's make a run for it.
I can't take it anymore.
It's bad enough when we're at the office, but now that we're dating, I'll never be away from him.
I think I have to drop him as a patient.
Oh, no, you can't.
It'll break his heart.
I'm sure he's got a cardiologist on speed-dial.
Oh, come on.
He's not really that bad.
Do you have a preferred brand of tongue depressor? I've got three options.
Let's get out of here.
Oh, please.
Oh, God.
Oh, wait.
My coat.
I'll buy you a new one.
- Done.
Who wants to test it? - Oh, why don't you? Because I haven't had children yet.
But you know what? It's a chair.
It looks like the picture on the box.
I'm just gonna put it in Oscar's room and get on with my life.
- Oh, I think a piece fell.
- You shut your mouth.
Why are you guys still here? I promised Sharon we'd have the place to ourselves, and I think tonight's gonna be the night.
Didn't you see the sock on my doorknob? Oh, great, everybody's here.
I can fix that.
And we're going to a movie, but it doesn't start for an hour, which gave somebody time to surf the Web for medical advice.
Why can't you be addicted to porn like everybody else? Well, if it's any consolation, I may not be bothering you much longer.
Why, are you moving? Perhaps.
To Heaven.
When I die.
Felix, you're being ridiculous.
Oh, really? Does this sound ridiculous? I am riddled with SNeRD.
It's a real thing.
Slovakian Neuro-Respiratory Disorder or SNeRD.
SNeRD.
I love that you find it so funny.
Perhaps you would like to share a chuckle with patient zero, aka Alojz Prochazka.
Oh, why are you showing me that? That's a horrible way to die, isn't it? But how could you have caught it? Have you ever been to Slovakia? No, but I had a very suspicious pierogi for lunch.
It says right there your chances of getting it are one in a million.
Okay.
Well, your chances of winning the lottery are one in 100 million, and yet you buy a ticket every week.
Well, that's because I have a gambling problem.
Here's another person who gambled and lost Viktor Ciernik.
- Ew! - Ugh! Don't show me that! I don't want that picture in my head.
You cannot ignore this.
This is real.
I ignore plenty of stuff that's real.
Taxes, people who have fallen in the street.
When Dr.
McManus gets here, I'm gonna tell her my symptoms.
I've got a headache, erratic pulse, and now look at this.
Look at that rash.
No, do not mention the rash.
Don't even show her the rash.
- Why not? - Because if she thinks you're an insane hypochondriac, she'll dump you as a patient.
How do you know that? She told me last night.
Damn it! I knew if you started dating my doctor, something terrible would happen.
Don't blame me.
And listen, when Sharon gets here, just act normal.
Don't grill her about your imaginary ailments.
Oh, so now it's imaginary? Well, you know who else must have a fanciful imagination? Imbriska Nedved.
- Oh, that's disgusting.
- Mm-hmm.
Which reminds me, I better go clean my room before Sharon gets here.
He's right, you know.
You do build things up in your head.
I have been known to make a mountain out of an irregular mole hill.
You know, Felix, when I was a kid, my grandmother told me about polio, and as soon as she did, I was convinced that I had it.
But polio's been gone since the '50s.
I was a kid, I didn't know any better.
I actually had nightmares about it.
- Well, that's terrible.
- Yeah, I wasted a whole summer worrying.
I will never get that summer back.
So you're saying You are wasting your summer.
How did you stop worrying about polio? I learned about dinosaurs and started worrying about them.
But dinosaurs have been gone since I was a kid.
No no, you're right, I-I wish I could stop this obsession.
You know, we're all gonna die at some point, right? It's like the poet says, "Do not send to know for whom the bell tolls.
It tolls for thee.
" Dr.
McManus.
Acting casual.
Oh, hi, Felix.
Hey Sharon What it is.
This is Emily.
- Hi.
- Hello.
We are just about to blow this Popsicle stand, so - Oscar will be out in a minute.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, great.
So, how are you? Oh, fine.
- Good.
- Fit as a fiddle.
- In the pink and in the prime.
- Good.
Although I-I did have one question for you.
Yes? Does this shirt overpower the tie? Um Hey, Sharon, I didn't hear you come in.
Everything okay? - Yeah.
- Course.
Normal people having a normal conversation.
Okay, well we should go.
If we miss beginning of the movie, we won't know how Adam Sandler got in the body of that Saint Bernard.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Can I get you a drink? - Sure.
- Great.
Wow, Oscar, I'm impressed.
Felix didn't ask me a single medical question.
- Did you talk to him? - Well, I just told him to not get all worked up about things, you know? I mean, what are you gonna do? When your time's up, it's up, you know? Not what they taught us in lady doctor school.
But I have to say, your attitude is so refreshing.
I spend my whole life surrounded by hypochondriacs like Felix.
- Oh, I love the guy, but he's a nut.
- Yeah.
He's convinced he's dying of an imaginary disease called SNeRD.
Oh, actually, that's real.
It is? Yeah, it's a horrible disease.
In fact, I saw a patient today who's terrified she might have it.
But she doesn't, right? I highly doubt it, but since she just returned from Slovakia, we're running tests to be sure.
Um, but still, I mean, it's 1,000 to one.
Isn't it a million? I-I thought it was a million to one.
When you say this disease is horrible what do you mean, exactly? Seriously? You really want to know? Well, since you brought it up.
It starts out like a cold.
Fever, respiratory symptoms.
And then your organs shut down, you start to bleed out your nose - and then you - Okay, I get the gist.
Great.
So we can stop talking about it.
Oh.
Peek-a-boo.
Well, I loved that movie.
And I loved watching you eat your first Sour Patch Kid.
It was like watching a baby eat a pickle.
I like Fun Felix.
He's a lot better than Does This Bump On My Ear Mean I'm Dying Felix.
I know you're kidding, but do I really have a bump on my ear? 'Cause a bump can turn into a lump and a lump can kill you.
Felix No, okay, I know.
You're right.
It's just hard to flip that switch.
You know I am going to really try to be more like my friend Oscar.
That guy never worries about anything.
Is something wrong? No, no, I'm just a little wound up.
Well, then maybe we should unwind.
Okay Um Oscar? No, no, no, I'm just, uh, playing hard to get.
Until when? I'm in your bed.
Yes, you're a beautiful woman in my bed.
Here's an idea.
I'm gonna join you.
Oh, I'm hot.
I like your confidence.
No, I just I mean I feel really warm.
Well, I'll go crank the AC.
Make yourself at home.
Feel free to take a shower.
A sexy sanitizing shower.
Hey, guys.
How was the movie? Did you have fun? Is there a cure for SNeRD? Oh, come on, Oscar.
Not you too? Sharon has a patient who might have it.
Which means she might have it, which means I might have it.
Where's your sanitizer? Oscar, you're overreacting.
Yes, I am.
And it's all his fault.
- How is this my fault? - You freaked me out about being sick.
You dragged me to the doctor.
You made me look at disgusting SNeRD pictures.
You're in my head, Felix Unger.
I did, and I'm sorry.
I have a problem, but Emily and I are discussing it and trying to work through it.
This is empty.
Where's your emergency stash? Oh! Uh Ow! Here's a drink, Oscar.
I can't believe you infected me with your hypochondria.
Ugh agh! Face it, Oscar, we're both hypochondriacs, just different breeds.
I run to the doctor every two seconds in the vain hope that I can control my fate; and you never go to the doctor so that you can live in denial.
But in the end, aren't we both afraid of the same thing? Death.
I was pausing for effect.
Death.
But Oscar, you see, we can help each other through this, because we can face our fears together.
Hey, Oscar, do you have a tissue? Nosebleed.
Her organs are melting.
She's got SNeRD! - What? - Wait, are you - protecting me or using me as a shield? - Protecting you.
- Well then shouldn't I be behind you? - Right.
All right, for God's sakes, what is going on? Oscar? - No, no, no! - Aah! Oh, are you kidding me? Well, you're hot and you're sneezing and you're bleeding! Yeah, because you have the heat cranked, I'm allergic to dust, and your basketball hit me in the face.
You know, if you have allergies, I have a specialist Okay, you know what? You're a lunatic.
You're both lunatics.
Felix, you can find a new doctor.
And Oscar, you can find a new girlfriend.
Four dates and she thinks she's my girlfriend.
Who's the lunatic now? Felix.
Tell me it's not true.
I'm afraid it is, Annie.
Dr.
McManus and I are no longer seeing each other.
But you were so good together.
Annie, these things happen.
You're a brave little girl.
I do not want you to blame yourself.
I'm just here to collect my things and get on with my life.
- Of course.
- Mm-hmm.
We've got your records for you.
Okay.
Well I guess this is good-bye.
Take care of yourselves.
Annie, I'll see you for dinner on Tuesday.
Good-bye.
Take care.
Keiko, keep smiling.
Or whatever you're doing under there.
Frank, think of me when you pass that stone.
I will.
I want you people to know that you are more than just a medical practice to me.
You are family.