The Office (US) s01e06 Episode Script

Are you listening to me? - Affirmative.
What did I just say? You just said Let me check my notes.
You just said Alan and I have created an incentive program How is Alan? Tell Alan that the Mets suck.
OK? From me, big time.
Go Pirates! I'm not going to do that.
We've created an incentive program to increase sales.
You can reward your top seller with a prize worth up to $1,000.
Woo.
Howdy-ho.
Wow.
A thousand big ones.
That's cool.
Do I uh get to pick the prize? Yes.
Yes, you can.
Question.
Does top salesman include people who were at one time such outstanding salesmen that they've been promoted to No, Michael.
- You can't win this prize.
- I didn't mean me.
What we have to do is find out what motivates people more than anything else.
- Sex.
- It's illegal, can't do that.
Next best thing.
- Torture.
- Come on, Dwight.
Help me out here.
This is stupid.
- Michael.
- Pam! - There's - Burger with cheese.
- There's a person here.
- And fries.
And shake.
What? Go ahead.
There's a person here who wants to sell handbags.
No vendors in the office.
That is a distraction.
- I told her you'd talk to her.
- Pam, come on, I'm busy.
- So just tell her to go away.
- OK.
All right, I'll talk to her.
- This one is hand-embroidered.
- Girls, you're being infiltrated.
- Cock in the hen house.
- Cocks in the hen house.
- Don't say cocks.
- No.
What is your name, my fair lass? - Katy.
- Ah.
Katy.
Wow, look at you.
You are like the new and improved Pam.
Pam 6.
0.
Oh, look! No cat fights, you two.
I'm against violence in the workplace.
- So am I.
- Nobody cares what you think.
Doesn't matter.
I usually don't allow solicitors in the office, but today I am going to break some rules.
You can have the conference room.
It's yours all day.
- Thanks.
- There's an HR meeting in there at 11.
30.
Well, let's put 'em in the hallway, give them some chairs.
Right? Decisiveness.
One of the keys to success, according to Small Businessman.
I do.
I read Small Businessman.
I also subscribe to USA Today, and American Way magazine, that's the in-flight magazine.
Some great articles in that.
They did this great profile last month of Doris Roberts and where she likes to eat when she's in Phoenix.
Illuminating.
This is my conference room, so please make yourself at home.
I'm right on the other side of this wall.
There used to be a window here.
There's not anymore.
So that's where I'll be.
So, if you need anything else, something to make you more comfortable, just don't hesitate to ask, I'm right here.
- I guess a cup of coffee would be great.
- Wait a second.
Oh, I should have spotted another addict.
- Gotta love the 'bucks.
- What? It's slang for Starbucks.
They're all over the place.
Oh, man.
That place is like the promised land to me.
What a business model, too.
- Too bad we don't have the good stuff here.
- A regular coffee is fine.
No, it's not, it's - No, really, it is.
- No, here's the thing.
You know I do my best to to be my own man and go by the beat of a different drummer.
And nobody gets me.
They're always putting up walls and I tear 'em down.
Just breaking down barriers, that's what I do all day.
So, a coffee.
Regular coffee.
For you.
High test or unleaded? - Bring it on.
Yeah.
- Oh! Woo! I will.
I'll bring it on.
All right.
So are you jealous because there's another girl around? No.
She's prettier than you, though.
That's a very rude thing to say, Kevin.
suit you.
I can see you pairing it with gloves.
The purse girl hits everything on my check list.
Creamy skin, straight teeth, curly hair, amazing breasts.
Not for me, for my children.
The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.
There you go, nice, steaming hot cup of joe.
- Thank you.
- An idea.
Why don't I introduce you around? You can get your foot in the door, meet potential clientele.
Right? Gosh.
I would love to, but my purses.
I should Oh, uh, well, we can have Ryan.
Ryan, would you look after the purses, please? - I'm installing file share on the computers.
- Blah-dee-blah.
Techno babble.
Just do it.
We have company.
Right? You should sell a lot here because this branch made over $1 million last year.
Not that we're all millionaires.
I'm probably closest.
- Here's Oscar.
Oscar, this is Katy.
- I'm on the phone.
Woo-woo.
Oscar the grouch.
Right? I thought of that.
- That was on Sesame Street.
- I know.
I made the connection.
Can you believe he'd never heard that before he worked here? - No, I don't believe that.
- It's unbelievable.
It's nice having Katy around.
It's another person for Michael to um interact with.
Here is Toby from Human Resources.
- Katy, Toby.
Toby, Katy.
- Hi.
Did you go to Bishop? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Me too.
- Cool.
What year were you there? - Toby's divorced.
He uh God.
Recently, right? You and your wife.
- And you have kids.
- A girl.
That's so It was really messy.
You slept one night in your car, too.
I should probably get back to my table.
OK, all right.
Cool.
See you in a bit.
Oh.
She's cute.
Cutie pie.
Back to work.
I live by one rule.
No office romances, no way.
Very messy, inappropriate.
No.
But I live by another rule.
Just do it.
Nike.
Hey, Jimmy, what do you think about the purse girl? - Cute, sure, yeah.
- Why don't you get on that? She's not really my type.
What? Are you gay? - I don't think so.
- Well, what is your type? Moms, primarily.
Soccer moms, single moms, NASCAR moms, any type of mom, really.
- That's disgusting.
- Stay away from my mom.
Too late, Kev.
Man, I would be all over that if I wasn't dating Pam.
We're not dating, we're engaged.
Engaged, yeah.
Pam and I are good buddies.
I'm sort of Pam's go-to guy for her problems.
You know, with stuff like work or her fiancé, Roy.
Or um No, those are pretty much her only two problems.
She'd be perfect for you.
- She's been talking to Michael a lot.
- So what? - You're assistant regional manager.
- Assistant to the regional manager.
He's your work boss.
- He is not your relationship boss.
- That's true.
You have so much more to talk to this girl about.
You're both um salesmen.
- That's something right there.
- True.
Plus I could talk to her about the origins of my last name.
It's all gold.
Guys are usually my best customers.
They buy the high-end stuff, the beads and the sequins.
For gifts, you know.
They don't know what they're looking at, so I make suggestions.
Just keep talking to her.
If you hit a stall, you have a fall-back.
- What's that? - You buy a purse.
- I don't want a purse.
Purses are for girls.
- That's not true.
Do you read GQ? - No.
- I do.
They're like mini briefcases.
Lots of guys have them.
- Like those? - Yes.
You are spending time talking to me, when you could be talking to her.
- I'm just gonna use the bathroom.
- You don't need the bathroom.
Go.
- Friday - OK.
Stop whatever you're doing.
This is going to be good.
Hi, my name's Dwight Schrute and I would like to buy a purse from you.
Good Lord! Look at these purses.
This is something special.
Oh, my God.
Is this Salvatore de Chini Definitely step in and out of it like that.
Yes.
Well, I want to stress-test it, you know, in case anything happens.
Oh! That was really This is necessary to do to really give it a good work-out.
This is the This is the prettiest one of all.
I'm going to be the prettiest girl in the ball.
How much? Oh, God.
It's sad.
It's so sad.
Here he comes.
Shh.
- He did pick a good one.
- You're horrible.
- This one's really good for a hot date.
- Yeah? What's that? I'm engaged.
Congratulations.
You need a hot date more than anyone.
I wish, right? Giggle, giggle Chuchee, chuchee I get it.
Divine Secrets Of The Ya-Ya Sisterhood over here.
Right? So how was that coffee from earlier? - It was good.
- I knew it.
Guzzled it down, you greedy little thing.
So, Pam, is this your lunch break or was that earlier when you were eating in the kitchen with those guys? - Sorry.
- Busted.
- Come back.
- I want to show you something.
Come here.
I know you are gonna like this.
I picked it up today, a thousand big ones.
- Is that from Starbucks? - Yes.
This is a Starbucks digital barista.
This is the Mack Daddy of espresso makers.
Wow.
Is that for the office? I know what you're thinking.
You're not prying this out of my hands.
- Don't tempt me because I'll give it to you.
- I wouldn't think of it.
Coffee is the great incentivizer in the office.
It's a drug.
It is quite literally a drug that speeds people up.
It's not the only drug that speeds people up.
You hear stories about Dunder Mifflin in the '80s, before everybody knew how bad cocaine was.
God Man, did they move paper.
The rotating steam wand.
What? What's the matter? Oh, nothing.
My ride just bailed on me.
Oh.
Oh! God.
I'm sorry.
Where are you going? Nearby? - Because I could give you a ride.
- No.
- Sure? - I don't want to inconvenience you.
No inconvenience.
I'm out of here at five sharp.
- At five? - I can go earlier because I'm the boss.
- I'm outta here, slaves.
- OK.
- What? - OK.
OK.
I guess that would be OK.
Sounds good.
Five o'clock sharp, I will give you and your purses a ride home.
- OK.
Cool.
- Excellent.
Great.
Cool.
Cool.
Yeah, OK.
I should never have let the temp touch this.
I had all these great icons and now I have four folders.
- It's actually better this way.
- No.
I could just click on the icon and then I'm onto something.
Could I ask you something? I wanted to ask your permission to ask out Katy.
- I know it's against the rules.
- It's not against the rules.
She is not a permanent employee, so it's not.
Thank you.
I appreciate this so much.
But you should know that I am going to be giving her a ride home later.
What? She asked me for a ride, so I'm going to give her a ride home.
Is that all it is? Just a ride home like a taxicab? Well, it might be a ride home.
It might be a ride home and we stop for coffee and dot, dot, dot.
Please.
Please.
I am your inferior and I'm asking you this favor.
Can you promise me that it will just be a ride home? No.
I cannot promise you.
You cannot promise me or you won't promise me? Listen, Dwight.
Do you love her? No.
I don't know.
It's too early to tell.
I I don't know how I feel.
You've made a good choice.
She's going to like that.
Espresso.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
There you go.
Mm-hm.
Mmm.
Is that from the machine in your office? Mm-hm.
Isn't that the prize for the top salesperson? Very easy to clean.
OK.
Like he's gonna win anyway.
Right? - So did we get any mail? - Yeah, I gave it to you.
Yes, you did.
Yes, you did.
Just checking.
Double-checking.
Checking on the check.
Thoroughness is very important in an office.
And - So can I - Yeah, of course.
One more thing.
How do girls your age feel about futons? - A futon? He's a grown man.
- That's what he said.
That's sad.
Or it's innovative.
You know the futon is a bed and couch all rolled into one.
- What's up? - Hi.
- Are you still mad at me? - Roy - Come on.
- Cut it out.
- Are you mad at me? - Stop it.
- Are you mad at me now? - Cut it out.
Stop! - Come on, Pammy.
- Stop.
I can't breathe.
I was just kidding.
You know I didn't mean it.
Jim's a great guy.
He's like a brother to me.
We're like best friends in the office and I really hope he finds someone.
You seem to like to touch things.
Try the velvet.
I don't like to necessarily touch things, I'm just shopping.
No, it's fine that you Here.
What about the raspberry one? It's really kind of festive.
It's got a lot of personality.
How's it going? Good.
Can I talk to you for a second in private? - I don't think so.
I'm busy.
- It will take a second.
- I can't.
- Just for a minute.
I wanted to talk to you in private because I wanted to ask you out on a date.
No.
Was that no to talking to me in private or was that no to the date? Both.
What colors do you like? Gray, dark gray, charcoal.
Ryan.
Would you like to help me with a special project? - I would love to.
- Right.
- Just throw out all the empties.
- You don't want to recycle them? Um Yes.
Throw them away in the recycling bin.
Do you want this? No.
- What about this power drink? - What flavor? - Blue.
- Blue's not a flavor.
It says "Flavor, blue blast.
" Oh, blue blast.
Yes, put that in the trunk.
There should be an unopened Arctic Chill.
I want that in the passenger's cup holder.
Thank you.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm Jim, by the way.
- Katy.
- Nice to meet you.
- You sit out there.
I do.
That's what I'm best known for.
Sitting out there.
All right.
Let's talk about purses.
OK, um You know what? Don't try to sell me one.
Seriously.
Because I'm just here to learn.
- OK.
- So I know about most of these, but - What's up? That's my Drakkar Noir.
- No, this is Night Sweat.
It's a perfect smell-alike.
I'm not paying for the label.
Give it.
- It's empty.
- It's not.
There's some in the straw.
There.
Now you may throw it out.
Wow.
- How many Filet-O-Fishes did you eat? - That's over several months, Ryan.
Still - What's up? - I'm bored.
Thank you for choosing me.
No, I'm kidding.
So you got big plans this weekend? Uh Well, I think I'm gonna see Katy.
- Really? - Yeah.
What are you guys gonna do? Man, I don't know.
Dinner.
Drinks, movie, matching tattoos.
- That's great.
That's cool.
- Big stuff.
- What are you doing? - I was gonna say, I think that we're gonna help Roy's cousin move.
Cos Roy's got a truck.
- That's cool.
- Uh-huh.
- Yes.
- That is cool.
- I'll see you Monday, though, right? - Great.
OK.
I'm gonna head back.
All right.
I think to be a ladies' man, it's imperative people don't know you're a ladies' man.
So I kinda play that close to the chest.
What can I say? Women are attracted to power.
And I think Other people have told me I have a very symmetrical face.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Maybe they're right.
I don't know.
- Do you want me to help with that? - It was nice to meet some of you.
- See you later! - Good night.
- Good night, Jim.
- Night, Michael.
- Where are you going? - To grab a drink, I think.
With us? I should have told you I don't need a ride now, cos Jim can take me home after.
- You're off the hook.
- Off the hook, excellent.
Cool.
- I got this.
- Have fun.
Don't drink and drive.
Take it easy.
- Have a good night.
- You, too.
- Got that? - Oh, yeah.
- You sold a lot, so it's lighter.
- Yeah.
Here.
- Now, I'm gonna warn you, don't freak out.
- Why? This is a really nice car.
In case you haven't noticed, this is a Corolla.
- It's a very nice car.
- So you're not going to freak out.
Do I have a special someone? Well, yeah, of course.
A bunch of them.
My employees.
If I had to choose between a one-night stand with some stupid cow I'd pick up at a bar, and these people, I'd pick them every time.
Because with them, it is an every-day stand.
And I still know their names in the morning.