The Old Guys (2009) s01e06 Episode Script

Where is he? He should be back from his date by now.
What's going on? Anything could have happened! Roy'll be fine.
I'm sure he won't have got hit by a bus.
I'm not worried about that, but he might be having a good time without me.
I'd be pleased for him, but he might not be able to cope.
He needs me.
Dad, have you ever thought about what's going to happen after you die? After I die? I think maybe they might finally come up with a viable jet-pack.
That would be typical.
I've been going to this course at the church and I thought you might want to come too? Church?! Have you gone raving bonkers? Human, English church, for the old people and the feeble-minded? Yes, and it's great.
Now we're getting down to it.
You're using church as a meat-market.
Fair enough.
I'm getting a lot out of it, you should come.
The Moonies, Communists, bird-watchers, the county council would all love me to join their clique, but that's not how I roll.
There's a food hamper for everyone that finishes the course.
What, a food hamper? Look, Amber, yes, your mother's dead and obviously that's very sad, but you can't keep taking it out on me.
I didn't kill her.
That was proved in a court of law.
Joke! Thank God Here he comes! At last! Initially, and then I'll go over it again and again until we find the holes in his story.
So, come on, how did it go, the matinee? Did the "spare ticket" gambit pay off? Er, not exactly.
At first it was lovely.
Then it turned rather sour.
Oh, dear.
Tell me all about it, but skip the good bits, when did it all start to go so wrong? Well, while I was at the bar getting the interval drinks she met this man What, she got chatted up? On your date? And then she said that she'd loved the first half but she was gonna give the second half a miss.
What and she left with him? Oh my godness.
Oh, I'm sorry.
That she'd been taken ill, but they didn't seem interested.
They probably thought if they said anything you'd tell them about your role in the Suez Crisis, and try and get yourself invited Tom, I sometimes think I should give up on Sally.
Perhaps she's out of my league? Of course she is.
She's in the Champions League, and you're in the league of extraordinarily boring gentlemen.
I think you're great, but Well, I don't know if I'll have a full sexual relationship ever again.
Come on, of course you will.
You're a sex machine.
You make it sound seedy.
It's just good, clean, dirty fun.
Yeah.
In the '60s and '70s we were all at it.
Sometimes I'd pay them, sometimes they'd pay me, sometimes we'd both make a donation to the Red Brigade.
Good heavens.
So what's it actually like, physically, with a professional? Good Lord! Well, not that I'm entirely ignorant about these things, you know.
I almost finished Memoirs Of A Geisha! You can't find out about life from books, Roy.
Won't help you when down an alleyway bargaining with a yardie with gold teeth and a parrot on his shoulder.
They don't make Rough Guides that rough.
You've done all these extraordinary things.
Horse riding through Uzbekistan, you've boxed in Rio, smoked pot with Keith Joseph Richards.
Keith Richards.
Keith Richards.
If I wanted to investigate that side of the world, research it, would you show me the hot spots? What, you mean now? Why not? We could get the train into town.
The politicians have given us free public transport, let's abuse it! All right, mate? See that? That's where Francis Bacon invented the idea of modern art.
But surely modern art And right here, me and Jeffrey Bernard puked in a copper's pockets.
I didn't know you knew Jeffrey Bernard? Tom, there's one.
What do you do? Do you just go up? Yeah, just go right on up, check in at the front desk.
Bim-bam, merci, Madame.
Well, you're not really going to do it, are you? Why not? Well, it'll be I mean, horrible.
But you said Yeah, but no, I mean For a start, She might take you places you'd never come back from.
You think I need something Exactly.
Let's get down to a hotel bar or something.
We need to find you a hooker for dummies.
A call-girl with stabiliser wheels.
Yeah, this is the sort of place but, using my expert eye, I would say there is currently no sexual intercourse for sale in this bar area.
Never mind, let's go and see about cheap tickets for The Lion King.
You're better off in the long run.
You don't think I can handle it, do you? You think I should stay where I belong with my cocoa, Classic FM money belt and sexual frustration! You don't have to do this to prove you're cool.
I already think you're cool.
What about her? No! She might be a policeman dressed up.
Don't do it, Roy.
Why not? You do it.
But I'm a man of the world, I carry a gun.
No, you don't.
Not an actual gun.
My gun is my mind.
You know, the Bible has totally become my Bible right now.
That's fantastic.
Mm.
I love Jesus, though.
He's so great.
He's like Che Guevara and John Lennon and Santa all wrapped up.
Yes, well, there are many different sides to Christ.
Like you, Phil.
You seem to me the kind of man who's nailed loads of chicks and done loads of charlie, but now you've turned it all around and you're ready to settle down? Yes, well, that's not exactly my story, but Dad! Wow, you came! I'm only here cos Roy blew me out.
Good.
Well, welcome, everyone.
This evening we'll be discussing unconditional love.
Let's open it up, shall we? Now, does anyone here feel they've experienced God's unconditional love? Oh Does that count? Where were you when this happened? She had chickenpox and a temperature of 103.
She also thought the seat belt was made of liquorice.
And, er, what about you, er Tom.
Tom? Oh, don't look at me, I'm only here for the hamper.
There is a hamper, isn't there? You weren't pulling my pisser about the hamper? Right, you're just here for the hamper.
That's fine.
Tom, how would you feel if I said, "I loved you?" I'd say, try someone else.
I don't swing that way.
What about him? He looks a good bet.
No, no, Tom, I'm not talking about lust, I'm talking about love.
If you could see yourself the way God sees you, you'd never feel frightened or lonely ever again.
I know what you're doing and it won't work.
What am I doing, Tom? You're trying to trick me into being happy.
Forget it, I'm already happy.
I'm like an already contented guy who's just necked three Ecstasy pills on his wedding day and banged a bird on the side That's how I feel all the time.
Oh, God, sorry! That's all right, don't worry.
It's only a piece of wood.
Oh, yeah, right, only a piece of wood, tell that to Dracula! Since when were you Look, it's just a bloody good story, all right? You should be watching it.
I mean it's no Spaceballs but it's funny.
So? Oh, for God's sake, man, come on, tell me.
What? What? "What?" he asks! With the prostitute? Ah, she's not a prostitute.
Katia is a courtesan.
No, this is not a sex traffic experience.
No, this is not a sex traffic a Billie Piper.
Well, it was amazing.
Remarkable.
I laugh at myself now for being so worried.
Only a very good bike that rides you back.
Amazing, amazing.
So what exactly did you get up to? No, Tom, physical attraction brought us together, but our relationship is evolving into something more profound.
Oh, Roy.
Roy, Roy, Roy.
What? You don't need a muse to do the crossword.
No, you can't.
Now, come on, cut to the chase, what was it like with this Katia? Well, it's like Well, the best way I can think to describe it is what you said, Is it? Is that what it's like? Er, thanks for seeing me, Phil.
Quite all right, nice you're taking an interest.
You're starting to feel something, aren't you, Tom? I have to admit that I am beginning to wonder whether everything you say isn't necessarily total shit.
Well, thank you, Tom.
And there's a question An issue that I've been grappling with that I was hoping you could solve.
Fire away.
Er, yes.
Right.
OK.
So let's say there's this pie? Is this a metaphorical pie? No, it's just a very, very tasty pie, only it's your friend's pie.
Well, actually, it isn't really his, he just saw it first.
Although you showed him where it worked.
In a situation like that, do you think it would it be OK to have a slice of the pie? You mean, steal some of his pie? Didn't you hear me, Phil? It's not his pie! Anyway, it's a magical everlasting pie.
There's plenty for everyone.
No, sorry, Tom, you've lost me.
OK, simple question How does God feel about the prostitution? So sorry, I didn't hear what you said.
Ahem Prostitution.
Prostitution! OK? Happy now? Right, Prostitution, the turning of sexual love into a transaction? Yeah, it came up in the pub quiz.
I think I'd have to say God's against it, Tom.
Yes, well, of course, obviously, and in an ideal world we'd all have our five fruits and veg a day, but, obviously, it's not actually possible.
But, I mean, for God, do you think that it's a biggie? Well, the important thing with any relationship is that if love is there then God is there also.
So love makes it all all right? Well, not, not exactly.
Think about it like this.
If you pay a woman for sex, how is that going to make you feel? Closer to God? Or further away? Closer? Is it closer? It's not closer, is it? No Ah! There he is! There he is! Judas Iscariot! Roy, because you're ignorant you probably don't realise, And can you think where I might possibly have got this jerkin? From my jerkin drawer with all my other jerkins? I found it at Katia's.
So? It's a hugely fashionable item.
She could have got it anywhere.
Rubbish! I can't believe that you would do this to me, Tom.
I really just cannot believe it! Well, all right, I'm sorry.
There, I've said it.
Now can we move on? Move on? But you know how I feel about her.
Well, exactly.
What was I supposed to do with you banging on about how amazing she is morning, noon and night? Advertising works, Roy.
How many times have you seen her? Not that many.
How many? Less than ten.
Ten?! No, less than ten.
Listen to what I say! More like eight.
Why, Tom? For God's sake, why? Well, the first time, was a moment of madness.
Then, then I fell in love with her.
You love her? Yes, I love her.
Which happens to make it OK in the eyes of God.
Not that I believe in any of that mumbo jumbo.
But I love her.
She talks to me.
She tells me things.
About Father Krichefsky and her days playing in the meadows outside Sunday School? How do you know? We covered old Krichefsky in the first session.
I don't suppose you know the name of her first dog? Pavlov.
I made a rather good joke about it and we laughed and laughed.
She told me the joke, I didn't think it really worked.
Look, Tom, I think that Katia's the only truly good thing that's happened to me for years.
So, please Well, perhaps it is time for us to admit that we're a pair of foolish old men just stop going to see her? Well, would you if I did? We can console one another in our loss.
I swear, with all the blood in my veins, in God's holy name and on the health and happiness of the entire human race.
Anyway, same time, say, Thursday? Tom? Sally? Hi, Sally.
Well, this is This is my friend, Katia.
Hi, there.
She's my young friend from Belarus.
We were just chatting cos obviously I'm interested in the situation over there.
In Belarus? What situation? Oh, with the president and the oil and the vodka and the snow and the bears.
It's near Russia, but it's not Russia, is it, or is it? Er, Tom, just a word of warning.
You do realise this hotel is well known for, um Well, I mean, ask yourself why is she talking to you? Either she's a call girl or she wants to marry you, get her hands on your pension and throw a hairdryer in your bath! Lovely to meet you, Katia.
Ah, Roy? Hello, Roy! Roy, my goodness, what a coincidence.
What are you doing here? Hi, hello there.
Yes, Roy, what on earth are you doing here? I just came to give these to Sally.
How did you know I'd be here? What a very good question.
How did you know, you clever fellow? I'm afraid that I followed you.
Oh? Yes, bit weird, mate? Because I was very, very keen to give you these to thank you for the pedal bin liners that you lent us.
They're working out very well.
Thank you so much! Thank you.
Oh, Roy, you remember Jason, from the opera? Oh, yes.
Hi.
Don't get confused, it can happen to older people in the city.
So you're still seeing Katia? With incredibly mixed feelings, Roy.
I tried.
You didn't try very hard.
Well, you can talk, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
" It's from Gladiator, I think.
I love Katia and I'm going to go on seeing her.
Now, if you won't stop, you can find somewhere else to live.
So that's what it's come down to, is it? "Stop seeing my tart or I'll throw you out on the street.
" Fine.
Just because you have panic attacks Phil! Phil, Phil, Phil, Phil, Phil! Come in.
It's great you could come.
Thou art welcome! Thanks, Tom.
Take a seat! Although living in church it must be nice now and again to have a soft chair.
I don't actually live in the church.
Of course, stupid thing to say.
You said on the phone it was an emergency? The emergency is I've got a microwave curry for two and I don't want to eat it on my own, not again.
Er, drink? Christians can eat curry, can't they? Tom, last night was great, hanging with you in your lock-up garage, table-tennis, the disposable barbeque, it was fun, but tonight, if it's not urgent I really don't have time But it is a bit urgent.
I'm on my own and you have to be nice to people and come out when they call, that's your job.
It's just I've got a lot on right now, so Yes, but I've got loads of questions I want to ask you, like, for instance, why do bad things happen to good people? And heaven, is it as boring as it sounds? Or will there be a bit of you know? Roy? I thought you were with Katia? She doesn't want to see me any more.
Ah, hello.
Ah, this is Phil.
He's just a friend.
He's just a normal bloke.
Hi.
Yes, she's started praying again, and reading the Bible.
She says she hasn't been so happy for years! Well, that's horrible.
I really must go.
My sermon's not going to write itself! Tom's been coming to church with Amber and I'm only there for the hamper.
Oh, I get it.
Now I see it.
You couldn't bear losing Katia, so you had to spoil it for me! You've poisoned her mind with morality! Rubbish.
Tell me the truth, Tom.
Have you gone Christian? Of course not, don't be ridiculous! No.
No, I won't.
It might be a load of nonsense made up millions of years ago by psychos with big beards, but, a bit, yes, I do believe in Moses and Jesus and Phil.
Look at it this way We've lost Katia, but we've regained our friendship.
Ha! Or we will do when you forgive me.
And you will forgive me eventually.
Or you'll lose your marbles and forget what I did in the first place.
It's from Katia.
She's replied to my text.
Why are you texting Katia? I just wanted to settle it once and for all.
Settle what? Come on, we've both been obsessing about it us.
Who's the Cumberland sausage and who's the soft-boiled egg? What does she say? Hey! She's going.
Going? Going where? Home.
Back to Minsk.
To Minsk? This is all your fault.
You have ruined everything! What? Can't we just take things a bit slower? What's the big deal? Just because you're a vicar means I can't touch your bum! Hello, Phil.
Dad? Tom! Too busy for Nando's cos you're seeing your parishioners, eh, Phil? What were you trying to see them in, a sexy negligee? Dad! There's only so much time in the day and you can be very demanding.
So you are available to me, but only at certain times, only within limits.
Yes.
You lied to me.
Not really.
Yes, you did.
There's only ten commandments, How many more were you going to break tonight? Adultery? Gluttony? Sleepy? Dopey? Grumpy? Tom, we're just having What about your vow of celibacy? Or did you skip that part? Dad, Phil's not Catholic.
He doesn't have to be celibate.
Oh, well, how convenient.
I can see you're disappointed.
I'm not perfect You're not? Now it all comes out! I suppose Noah's Ark was just a pleasure cruise.
Jesus didn't tell us to eat Easter eggs! I've heard enough.
Happy fornicating.
All I can say is, "I'm sorry.
" I'm sorry I got mixed up with that religious maniac.
And I'm sorry about Katia.
I don't think we'll ever find another love as true as that, not so affordably priced.
But everyone booked on that flight has cleared security.
Yes, I have some availability.
You're not thinking seriously? Why not? What's left for us here? Why not start again in Minsk? Beautiful Minsk in the Ukraine.
Belarus.
Exactly.
Belarus.
You, me, her.
A log cabin.
Who would expect that? That would be quite something! Amber, I need you to jump in a taxi, collect our passports and come straight to Heathrow.
Roy'll pay! We're moving to Belarus to live in the woods with a hooker! We'll talk about getting out of the broadband contract later.
We're going clear!